What is "stonewalling"? (Glossary of Narcissistic Relationships)

hi everyone its dr. Romani and welcome to this seemingly interminable series this glossary series of narcissistic terms this is a group of terms that will gather together because they often appear in videos and blogs and writings about narcissism and there's often a lot of lot of lack of clarity about them my goal in this series is to bring some clarity to these terms and what's been gotten really great in this series is that a lot of these terms have also in terms that all of you have suggested so it meant to be a very responsive series today we're gonna talk about stonewalling and before we begin please I'd love it if you haven't already join us on this channel you'll know everything you ever wanted to know about narcissism please hit the subscribe button and then also hit the bell to get notifications about all of our new videos every time they come out so let's talk a little bit about stonewalling sort of is like it sounds but it's not just simply about stone walls this term is actually part of something we're actually gonna be taking on in a future video but it was an idea submitted by more than a few subscribers to this channel and when I thought about their suggestion I agree the term stonewalling does actually capture a key term that's important to understand in narcissistic and high-conflict relationships stonewalling is a refusal to participate in communication or connection in a relationship in its simplest form it may be the silent treatment stonewalling the term actually takes in a lot of territory and it represents things and feelings that it brings up are things like abandonment and a refusal to participate in the relationship especially when the stonewall er isn't happening this what's what's going on now the most classical presentation of stonewalling is in fact the silent treatment when you talk to a person and they literally do not respond you're talking to them and they do not respond that's the silent treatment stonewalling though can take other forms it can manifest as a person who walks away when you are talking or somebody who does not respond to a message an email or call repeatedly especially when it happens because they do not want to respond to the conversation or the issue that's being discussed now stonewalling is not someone taking a moment before they respond it's not someone just simply holding back on responding because they need a moment so they don't react and so that they can provide a response that's you know that's not hurtful no no no that's not what stonewalling us stonewalling is unhealthy stonewalling occurs when a person does not want to deal with the issue being discussed in the relationship at that time that issue may for example be emotionally evocative it may also require a person having to take responsibility whatever that is and it is something that's very uncomfortable the topic is something that's very uncomfortable for the stonewall er which is why they withhold communication communication and basically shut things down now stonewalling can also take the form of someone saying I'm not going to talk about that I refuse to talk about that and if you bring it up I am going to walk away so stop talking about it but it's just it stops the conversation it effectively silences the other person or people in this exchange and it results over time in issues never being discussed or resolved as well as sort of this kind of sense of censorship in the relationship whereby a person may feel as though they are not permitted to bring up a topic for fear of shutting the whole thing now keep in mind that in some cases through family therapy or couples therapy there may have actually been focused work to designate certain topics that are sort of off-limits or topics that a family or a couple may be asked to wait to discuss before therapy but that is something that is agreed upon by all the players as part of something that all of you are working on together and that's not something that just one person the Stonewall er simply gets to mandate that nobody gets to be talked about so don't confuse those two issues sometimes it does come up in therapy in this case I'm talking about stonewalling unilaterally the Stonewall er makes that judgment so why is the term stonewalling relevant to understanding narcissism it's because stonewalling is a technique that is quite often employed by narcissus because one of their core relational approaches as you guys already know is manipulation stonewalling is the ultimate form of manipulation it can often result in so much discomfort that the other person just relents they talk more they may shift the topic and try to coax the narcissist to talk or come back and then before you know it the uncomfortable issue that was being discussed is no longer being talked about anymore and now the narcissist doesn't even have to think about taking responsibility because you're no longer talking about it the issue is definitely not resolved and the narcissist is off the hook how nice so narcissistic relationships can actually be particularly toxic for people who do struggle with any issues around abandonment now here's the thing all of us at some level struggle with abandonment to some degree nobody obviously who cares about someone wants to be abruptly cut off by them or left by them but if you do actually struggle with slightly deeper issues with abandonment stonewalling can feel particularly painful because even if a person doesn't storm out of a room but instead they just go silent that is in fact an abandonment and because of this stonewalling can be a particularly toxic dynamic because the fear of abandonment or the fear of silence can be so triggering that people just capitulate and give in to avoid it and over time a whole bunch of issues never get discussed and never get addressed now stonewalling is a powerful means by which a narcissist can exert a lot of control in a relationship I mean what they basically what stonewalling does for them is it raises fears of the things that you can't discuss in a relationship it raises issues of being shut down in a relationship of being left alone or having to sit in silence it can also create an environment where you feel like you have to adhere to the narcissus agendas if you're going to keep the conversation going now stonewalling as the name implies means that a relationship gets stuck in essence it gets walled off there is no possibility for addressing relationship ruptures or even an opportunity to feel heard and in some ways in most ways that works really great for a narcissist because for them relationships are really just the source of supply so now they don't have to deal with them because they stumble the idea of growing a relationship from a place of vulnerability and openness and Trust isn't on the radar for them anyhow so it's just easier I'm gonna Stonewall as soon as this relationship becomes uncomfortable now many of you know stonewalling can occur in many narcissistic family systems as well most people from narcissistic family systems recognize the dynamic of a parent using the silent treatment to control the entire family dynamic and this can also be a sibling or someone else in the family system who uses stonewalling once again the family will often end up trying to do whatever they can do to break the silent treatment or break just sort of they're kind of dead stare so they can draw the narcissist back out and once again using stonewalling the narcissist can control the entire family system now if you grew up with the silent treatment you recognize how abusive how invalidating and how confusing it can be and if you are a child it can be particularly unsettling because it really does feel like abandonment and since most children are hardwired to please their parents when a parent goes silent it can be so frustrating so saddening and frankly quite frightening for a child and the child will not only go to great strides to draw their parent back out again they will do anything to avoid the stonewalling and if you experience this dynamic as a child then stonewalling when it happens in adulthood can be incredibly triggering now in family systems the silent treatment can feel almost capricious like you never know when it is going to happen or what sets it off so for example the thing that could set off stonewalling it could be what feels like an innocuous comment or a relatively small transgression like for example not being able to travel home for Thanksgiving one year because of a work conflict and then that's when it it's a stone wall because the narcissistic personality tends to take everything so personally and sometimes years can go by with this silent treatment happening years can go by with the narcissist not talking to you or better yet there's a passive-aggressive twist on this they will try to speak through another family member for example Mary could you please tell your brother that I need a ride to the doctor when you the brother are sitting right there in front of them it can feel heady it can feel childish and over time honestly it can feel really exhausting some people actually find themselves feeling quite guilty in the face of stonewalling in many ways they might literally take responsibility for this toxic pattern even though it's being done to them now stonewalling can also result in a lot of game playing in a relationship they may use sort of a partial silent treatment and say you know I could see us starting to talk to each other again if you could just figure out what you did to upset me that is such a mind F word that you get lost in the abyss of the stonewalling and now the need to mind-read stonewalling definitely contributes to the eggshell dynamic of these narcissistic and high conflict toxic relationships the fear of the stonewalling means that you may be very and take be very careful they're almost very censored because you don't want to set off another multi-year cycle of silence or of watching your partner storm off into the night it's core like I noted there's a strongly passive-aggressive element to stonewalling it is a cruel sort of acting out that is achieved by not actually actively doing something but by withholding something passive-aggressive behavior by definition is really confusing because not only are you hurt by it but it takes a minute because it's not someone screaming in your face but rather it's about you being insulted through a back door the passive piece in this situation and stonewalling it's the withdrawal narcissist Stonewall for the same reason they do most things in security as well as their disdain and their contempt for intimacy and then throw into that their lack of empathy intimacy and sustained closeness really require compromise and even sacrifice in terms of sometimes having to take responsibility for uncomfortable things and talking about topics that may leave any of us feeling vulnerable it means putting in the work of having the difficult conversations if for no other reason than respect but since narcissistic relationships are definitely not characterized by respect that doesn't happen intimacy in general in most cases by narcissist is a devalued and at best a very superficial state for narcissists and as a result stonewalling becomes a viable strategy for them why deal with the deep stuff just walk out and go silent instead instead of having to do the real work and then nurse sister takes the stance of who cares about how it leaves the other person feeling as long as I don't need to deal with stuff I don't need don't need and want to deal with now the marital researcher John Gottman terms stonewalling as something he calls one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in essence these are these behaviors that happen in a relationship that are a foreshadowing of a relationships ultimate downfall over all stonewalling is ridiculously petty and it's an emotionally stunted manner of managing challenging topics or potential conflicts in a relationship so you may be wondering okay this happens to me how the heck am I supposed to deal with this you see it for what it is and most importantly you fight against your own triggers of abandonment and past stonewalling and you don't chase after them you take a long look at this dynamic and reflect on whether you want to participate in it but since this is a narcissist there's no point in explaining this to them no point in saying that I'm on to you this is stonewalling there's no point in trying to teach them about the fact that stonewalling is unhealthy and it makes a relationship get stuck and sort of wither and that this entire cycle is abusive doing all of that is going to get you nowhere once the stonewalling dynamic is revealed you can certainly give it the old college try and attempt to address it in couples therapy or family therapy but I'm going to be honest with you if stonewalling is happening in a narcissistic context the odds are shifting it are pretty close zero but I do want to make a disclaimer because I see something that could end up being a little confusing some of you may be wondering if no contact qualifies as stonewalling no because stonewalling occurs within the framework of an ongoing relationship when no contact happens you are done and the relationship is behind you now you might be thinking well what about gray rock isn't that kind of stonewalling in gray rock you are not stopping conversation with them you are simply and superficially answering questions trying to keep emotion out of it and you are not storming off so no while gray rock may feel sort of Stonewall II it's really not stonewalling has been considered by some to be a form of gaslighting because it does doubt your reality and shape-shift your reality but ultimately it is a manipulation it is cruel and it is a favorite tool of narcissists who truly do leave the kitchen when they feel the heat and by the heat I mean that need for intimacy and that need for closeness stonewalling can definitely happen outside of narcissistic relationships and it is definitely a dynamic that once it happens in a relationship your relationship is probably on borrowed time if it happens in family relationships these are family relationships that often get stuck and can't grow but within a narcissistic relationship it is a common dynamic and it is one that is almost impossible to address or change that it's left to you to figure out is this something I want to live with or is this something that is no longer working for me so thanks again for tuning in I hope that this video clarified this term of stonewalling which you may have heard before please we asked you to hit subscribe to subscribe to this channel if you're interested in this content hit the bell you'll get notifications about our ongoing videos thanks again for tuning in

Channel: DoctorRamani

Views: 395,650

Keywords: yt:cc=on

Id: IhIvZBUfpHo

Length: 19min 52sec (1192 seconds)

Published: Sun Apr 26 2020