What is "baiting"? (Glossary of Narcissistic Relationships)

hi everyone I'm doctor Romani and welcome back not only to my youtube channel but this series that are sort of like a handbook of narcissistic terms terms that are relevant to narcissistic abuse and just understanding narcissistic relationships in general there's a lot of words floating out there and sort of the narcissism internet space of people talking about them blogging about them and I wanted to create a series that creates not only clarity about these terms defining them and giving examples but also shining a light on techniques that may work for you in some cases or ways that you can sort of be stronger in the face of some of these patterns today we're going to take on the issue of baiting and before I begin I'm always gonna ask please hit the bell and subscribe to this channel because not only will you get notifications each time a new episode in this series comes out you'll also get notifications about the videos we put out every week as well as any special other special series and live events we're doing so let's talk now about baiting so when we think about baiting let's think about someone who is finally understanding the narcissistic story the narcissistic narrative or relationship that they are stuck in the person decides to disengage or they don't fall for the love bombing part 10 or don't succumb to the hoovering and I'll be talking about all these terms in this series a narcissist is actually on a sort of single-minded struggle to have one thing in a relationship and that's power they had the power when they love bond you they have the power when they discard you they have the power when they manipulate you and they have the power when they Gaslight you it's very much a primary driver in the narcissistic time the drive for power so because we don't like power imbalances you might watch these videos and try to take the power back and you don't engage and you don't react and you don't explain and then what happens always the narcissus will switch up their tactics and they're gonna start poking at you and jabbing at you they may do something like make fun of a physical quality that you're insecure about them yikes that dress got a little bit tight or look your sister picked another loser or how interesting that your boss didn't get your evaluation back yet mm-hmm that may not be very good they may say these cruel and dismissive and unsupportive things they may start accusing you of things that aren't even true they accuse you of cheating or stealing they're trying to get to you just when you set those boundaries down they try to get to you and it's a normal human instinct to react when you are provoked especially when someone's accusing you of something especially something that you haven't done but when someone is criticizing you about things that you may be particularly anxious about or may say hurtful things about people you care about in fact that's often how a narcissist gets to you maybe not even going at you but going after the people you care about you may have even learned in trying to manage your narcissist to keep quiet when they insult you but you can't keep quiet when they start going after the people that you care about and if you do not understand the narcissistic relationship dynamic then you may have and you're almost guarantee you will have a really strongly emotional reaction to them you may raise your voice you may cry you may yell you may get really agitated it's going to be very very clear that you are upset you'll even look a little bit unhinged and then the narcissist steps back with a look of very glib satisfaction and uses this as the perfect entry point to Gaslight you what's the matter with you you look like you're totally out of control you're crazy you must have some kind of mental problems you need to calm down you're too sensitive you know the drill well they'll say it with this very even voice just when you became reactive and you literally will believe them and start to feel like there's something wrong with you you get so angry at yourself for reacting cuz you know better and now you know what you just did sadly you just delivered them a different kind of narcissistic supply you left the narcissist feeling superior because now the narcissist is calm as can be while you're all kinds of emotionally frost up which please let me normalize that for you it's a totally appropriate and normal reaction on your part to someone saying terrible things to you normally we react but the narcissist they're almost like they're relieved or they get off and the power I'm getting the upper hand by being non emotional calling you out and then walking away this whole sequence is called bathing bathing is a very common narcissistic technique that often blindsides people bathing involves the narcissist sort of engaging in behavior that's designed to provoke an emotional reaction from you and it tends to be an escalating process they will keep pushing the envelope they will keep pushing the cruelty of the things that they say until they get an adequate until they're satisfied that they rattled you enough so let me give you an example here's what a let me give an example here's what a baiting sequence can look like so let's just say you're getting a little bit more wise to your narcissist so you're doing all the things you're supposed to do you're limiting your engagement and you're generally becoming more distant or let's just say your narcissus discarded you and now your narcissus is trying to suck you back in there trying to Hoover you yeah you're not even actually that interested this time around at that point the narcissist may reach out you've kind of discarded them or they've discarded you whatever they might reach out if that doesn't work trying to pull you back and they might ask you more pointed questions if that doesn't work they may start calling you out for being a jerk or start cursing at you were calling you names then they may double down and comment on something that makes you anxious something that they know about you that they know will set you off and here's where a narcissist behavior can be so atrocious because nothing is sacred you've probably shared your vulnerabilities with them and they know though so they may go after whatever your thing is your appearance your family your children maybe a medical condition you may have and at this point they may also start hurling all kinds of accusations at you and this may even be sort of bizarre stuff from left field like they might say something like oh so I guess you must be a gold digger and replace me with a rich guy which is going to be news to you cuz that's not true or they'll say I get it you're just too good for your family you're ashamed of us and who we are and what we stand for so you decided to go around town passing rumors about your pitiful family huh so now you're almost blinded by the gas lighting it's like being in some sort of carnival house of mirrors you don't know which way to turn but let's say you still keep your cool in the face of this now they may double down again with threats so how would you feel about me telling your boss what you really think of him or something like should I tell your sister about should I tell your sister that I know about that STD you told me she got or it's a veiled threat you know what I know sure would be a shame to share it with the world and you know what even if you go after me for saying something the world's already gonna know they are very good at throwing those threats out there and it can be really unsettling and this is the point when most people break and they succumb and they get back in touch with the narcissist if you didn't break earlier in this process right if you were in an intimate relationship with someone the odds are that you did share confidences with them and you did share them a trusted information and they may actually have some proverbial dirt on you so you agreed to talk to them even though you had set a boundary and didn't want to talk and didn't want to fall for the baiting you agreed to talk and you know what and I can guarantee trust me on this one the narcissist can smell your fear once you are back at the table it tends to be business as usual invalidation and basically once they're baiting works they'll look at you with contempt with the stance of how dare you think you could avoid me now at the most extreme if you really don't crack under any of their baiting baiting can even result and keep kind of escalating into them doing things like filing frivolous lawsuits against you and that might then force your hands take on the cost of a lawyer or going back to court and asking more cut for more custody and not starting that entire process again or just pushing for investigations these sorts of things can be costly they can be time-consuming they can be anxiety provoking now not all baiting goes this deep or this dark in most cases when you're in any kind of a narcissistic relationship baiting often takes the form of simply being provoked or getting provoked by them and giving in to their provocation with a strong emotional reaction now baiting gives any kind of narcissistic difficult toxic people a sense of power you becoming unhinged is a source of power and narcissistic supply for them again it sort of fosters their cold sense of superiority but keep in mind that is just so they can feel in control again because you got to remember they're very insecure so when anyone starts pulling away from the narcissistic person or a very toxic person they don't like the loss of control that comes from someone else calling the shots and that comes from losing that narcissistic supply that they were accustomed to getting so the idea that they can get it back through bullying and manipulation and intimidation and all that that's really a core of baiting to maintain that sense of control now baiting can take lots of forms there's lots of things that narcissistic difficult people can do they can push your buttons they can be cool about sensitive issues they can say unkind things about important people in your life they can make bizarre kinds of accusations about your behavior such as I don't know infidelity or make bizarre accusations about that they may make underhand sort of passive-aggressive comments or they may just do anything that they know that then this is after years of studying you and learning you and getting to know you that they know will upset you and it raises that sort of paradoxical and interesting point narcissus actually don't fully lack empathy and assurance I don't lack awareness of other people they actually really clearly learn and recognize the vulnerabilities of other people they just exploit them instead of protecting them it's sort of the opposite of empathy knowing what someone's vulnerable to and using it to hurt them a good defense though against fading is to know that it's coming it is the dark side of what happens when you do no contact or gray rock things that are also talked about in this series because a narcissist cannot tolerate being ignored they will bait to draw you out to get your attention and then keep ratcheting it up knowing that it's coming can make it feel less scary and also if you feel they're baiting getting ratcheted up it is important to get advisors on debt people on your team who you may or may not need but this may include things like attorneys or other advisers you can turn to for guidance or punt this whole mess to narcissists almost always use chaos to their advantage and under pressure when you're drawn into that chaos it's harder to get things organized like getting advisors on board so that begs the question why do narcissus engage in bathing well first of all they love a fight they are much better at fighting and at antagonism than the rest of us it's almost like they're always uncomfortable so they always want to be mean they want to punch and fight they are also triangulate errs and they are experts at exploiting chaos for their advantage now once they baked and you go for the bait they are able to use your anger and other emotions that you express to their advantage the narcissist sort of limited empathy also means that they don't stop to think about how they're hurting you if they're hurting you in fact in some ways they kind of hope they are because it's gonna get the rise out of you and because they lack what we call self reflective capacity they can't stop and think how's my behavior affecting someone else they lack awareness of how their bathing is experienced by other people like you so bathing in some ways is a way of projecting and externalizing their inner battles and throwing them onto the world at large especially those closest to them but when it's all said and done something I've said before the narcissist is a petty tyrant and a spoiled child that is angry that someone is getting the best of them they have to win artists have to win and it can be hard to hold on to your commitment to no contact but it is really important you do so whatever it is no contact or boundaries or whatever if they're baiting works and you do find yourself pull back in go back to gray rocking go back to being the robot and keeping the emotion out of your reactions they're counting on you becoming all kinds of hysterical don't deliver that to them it is really important that you stay as cool-headed as possible and I know that's really hard when somebody's really getting cute it's very hard to do that but once they've stepped away once they've disappeared the moment you're alone cry and yell it out just don't let them see it don't give them that sad action one question that many of us me is do they ever stop baiting overtime in most cases yeah they do at some point they're gonna find new sources of narcissistic supply and frankly they may just get bored with you they may they just sort of fling you away like a child toilet that they don't want anymore but that's not always the case if your situation escalates to the point two threats that are dangerous or actions that are dangerous please contact law enforcement or other appropriate agencies and also ensure that you speak to some form of legal adviser baiting is one of those patterns that in some small percentage of cases can escalate now in most cases baiting does not happen at that level baiting really is a form of poking at you to get a reaction out of you and if you can remember that if you react in an emotional way you are giving them what they want and if you remember that it may help you temper your response and make you say I don't want to give them what they want over time baiting can and will take a toll on you so you need to make sure that you have supports in place to take care of you to talk to and also learn to take care of yourself years of enduring this pattern of baiting can really take a toll on your mental and physical health and some people will say they often find it hard to even find someone to talk to understands this pattern even some therapists who may not understand baiting and narcissistic relationships may not understand this and it can really be destabilizing do you feel like you're talking to people and they're saying oh you're being paranoid so remember it's very important you find those people you find your people that hear you and believe you and can bear witness to the struggle you're in I hope that this video clarified this concept of baiting the narcissist is poking at you it's a terrible cycle and if you've been through it you know and if you haven't I hope it doesn't happen to you but you need to be aware it may very well happen to you whether it's a family relationship a work relationship or an intimate relationship baiting is one of many things we'll be talking about in this series the sort of handbook of narcissistic terms I hope this was useful and as always please hit the bell and sits and please hit the bell and subscribe to this channel you'll get notifications not only about every video in this series as they come out but of all the content we put out on a regular basis our live events and any other special series thanks again for tuning in

Channel: DoctorRamani

Views: 649,874

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Id: 5HNK07Khk9w

Length: 20min 23sec (1223 seconds)

Published: Thu Apr 09 2020