11 tactics for not letting narcissists into your life in the first place

hi everyone its dr. Romani here welcome back to this YouTube channel where I attempt at least to take on as much as I can about narcissism narcissistic relationships and toxic people so today I'm gonna lay out an interesting I think amazing life hack kind of issue which is how do you not let the narcissist in in the first place right that's the big issue cuz I do a lot of cleaning up with folks people were married to narcissistic people family members toxic bosses you name it they're already in right that's a very different story what if he didn't let him in in the first place not always possible your mom and your dad you didn't have much say about that but a partner boyfriend/girlfriend workplace situation friend what if you didn't let him in in the first place think of all the aggravation you would have saved so let's then talk about 11 ways to not let narcissus in in the first place but before I get to that you you guys are honestly smarter than me a lot of this cuz you've survived some really tough spaces if you come up with more ideas listen 11 I'm coming up with 11 ways you can drop reasons 12 13 14 and 20 drop them in the comments and that means subscribe to this channel become a part of this community cuz honestly I get the platform in the voice but this is only as good as the suggestions that you guys also bring too so please throw it in there I really really value your opinions so let's talk about this 11 ways to not let narcissus in in the first place this video could actually kind of save your mental health this is a video about gatekeeping many of you found this youtube channel because you are married to or in a relationship of some kind with a narcissist that kind of close intimate relationship narcissistic situation can really sting because the fact is you are the person who let this person in in most cases unless it was an arranged relationship many more of you who watch this channel have families of origin who are riddled with narcissists now if you intera Lee chose one you may find you yourself kicking yourself please don't please don't kick yourself all of us present company included have made these mistakes it's just simply part of the process we learned from it but here's the key as you know narcissistic abuse recovery is an issue I care deeply about but gatekeeping matters to me just as much I don't want you as a survivor I don't want this to happen to you again narcissistic relationships if you don't understand them beget more narcissistic relationships until you get enough information and can finally end the cycle so here are some ways 11 ways to be a better gate keeper number one you gotta stop with the second chances I know you're sitting there thinking she's very cold and intolerant I don't mean it in that spirit okay it's not the first second chance you give someone that I'm concerned with it's when you're excusing their behavior and giving them a so-called second chance for the 50th time the hundredth time the first time someone new in your life gets it wrong address it right then in there if they get overly defensive or overly sided gas lady call it a day it's so much easier with these relationships to cut your losses early on second chances turn into habits turn into enabling just as with a child we shape behavior young the same thing happens in a relationship you need to set the code of expectations early and if very basic expectations asking someone to sort of basically be on time be respectful tell the truth respect you listen to when you speak if there's things can't be honored you're in trouble stop giving all those second chances number two catch yourself when you make rationalizations for their behavior now this is an extension of the first recommendation rationalizations tend to be a part of the bigger system of second chances it's sort of the gateway to the second chance when you make an excuse rationalization and attempt to explain away make excuses justify and enable their behavior so it's all that bigger system it may be innocent to start oh gosh they're having a stressful day or we're just getting to know each other maybe they don't even understand what they're doing bothers me even though you've told them it bothers you or maybe maybe it's me maybe I just need to be more clear rationalizations are often wide the gates interrelationships stay open too long and allow a narcissist to get in too deep anyone can justify anything if they want and if you want to stick into this relationship for your own may be dysfunctional reasons your fear of being alone your being tired of being single being alone in a new city whatever your reasons is it's easy to try to force a relationship to fit even when it's not good for you watch those rationalizations number three do your own deep dive in my ideal universe which I don't live in but if I had one every person would complete a course of therapy but before they turn 25 years of age other than the few folks out there that had picture-perfect childhoods the rest of us need someone to look under the hood and give us a tune up and help us kind of do that do that deep dive we need to do these deep dives and when you're young you feel invincible and you're arrogant and you believe that you can master your own story it's so easy to back right into repeating our own narcissistic legacy stories over and over again I'm amazed at how many clients I have worked with who are 50 60 almost 70 years old who have spent decades in narcissistic relationships and only in our therapy together did they begin to realize that there parent or parents were horribly narcissistic do a deep dive so you learn your vulnerabilities and your blind spots did you have a narcissistic parent did you come from a triangulated family system did you have a codependent parent did you have a family role that made you vulnerable to be a rescuer or a fixer I got to tell you I am always so happy when I get that rare opportunity to work with younger clients who are trying to get their backstories figured out before they make a long-term commitment to someone get engaged get married whatever and in my work with those younger clients we really take the time to sort out those blind spots so they can make a good choice for themselves so do that deep dive self-knowledge is always a worthwhile endeavor especially if by understanding yourself you might be able to see those blind spots and save you the world of hurt that is narcissistic abuse number four trust your damned gut trust your gut the grand irony here is that I once wrote a book on weight loss it's been a while it's a book called you are why you eat now the short takeaway on the book is that simply I'm telling people to trust your gut if we all stopped eating when we were full we'd probably be able to better manage our weight ironically mama here has gained about 50 pounds since I wrote that book so so much for trusting my gut I'm owning it it's been a tough few years what can I say but in all seriousness while I am aware of for example the work of the great dr. Daniel Kahneman his Nobel prize-winning work on decision-making and the danger of gut driven decision making I have to say though when it comes to your thinking about people especially in relationships please do trust those hairs that stand up on the back of your neck while I understand understand that hindsight is wisdom in 2020 most people who have been to narcissistic relation chips whether those relationships last three months or 30 years will say that sometime at some point in the first month their gut told them you know this doesn't feel right but then they fell back into the usual rationalizations and second chances and justifications to make it work and then they got stuck remember we store our traumatic memories somatically in our bodies so those early narcissistic relationships like with parents and the hurts and injuries they generated on us are more likely to trigger physiological reactions gut reactions which are primitive and worth heating these physiological reactions are often more honest than those rationalizing voices that can end up end up enabling the narcissist and getting you stuck number 5 don't confuse love and abuse in other words pay attention to the trauma bond aha that almighty trauma bond those of you who've been to this rodeo of the narcissistic relationship once before know it too well some of this relates to the point about doing your own personal deep dive but pay attention to the degree to which you equate love and instability love and chaos love and abuse love and invalidation and love and your narratives and the things you tell yourself about how you're worthless and not enough those bonds have got to get broken again go back to that earlier point do that deep dive and watch yourself when you keep getting hoovered into something that is hurting you and you keep labeling it love number six you aren't six and life isn't a Disney movie please beware of the love bomb somewhere between Cinderella and Instagram people get lost in a vortex of fairytale love stories they want the dream the magic the love story the wedding they want everything short of the Seven Dwarves to be along for the damn ride remember that love bombing is the narcissus ground game yes a whirlwind courtship seems fun and eminently it's so social media shareable look at us we're in Hawaii look at all these flowers that were sent to me hold out for something that has better fundamentals a less of a steep ramp up less grandiose gestures less bells and whistles why because I want you to be able to pay attention and not get distracted by the fluff and the drama number seven be very careful about using words like a magical connection or soulmate when you use those words sit up and be very careful and pay attention I know I know you're thinking wow this dr. Romani is really cynical maybe but I think not really that idea of something being so magical and no one has ever understood me like this and this is my soulmate and we have a deep otherworldly connection may reflect a deeper need you have to be seen and heard and understood in that all-encompassing almost emulating way that is a signature move of the narcissus and the challenge is is that this so-called magical connection is actually can be a rationalization and it can blind you to some very visible red flags and lead to lots of again rationalizations and excuses to keep the so-called magical connection relationships with narcissus can be like magic shows where you look here to distract you from where the illusion is really happening over here listen I love love I think love's great but the entire metaphysical magical love story idea can often get people to loop tin to toxic love stories really quickly catch yourself when you use that word soulmate number eight if this relationship moves too fast it may be risky narcissists are the masters of the fast-track relationship in many though though not all not all definitely not all cases these relationships move fast fast fast you move in too fast you meet families too fast you take a big vacation too fast you backpack across the world too fast you get engaged too fast you get married too fast you have children fast fast fast you may be wondering what's too fast I mean obviously moving in together on the second date that probably qualifies too fast now I know every one of you who has at least one story of people who moved in together after one week or got married after the first date and they had happily ever after for every one of your stories I can promise you we can come up with thousands of narcissistic relationship stories that started with something that was too fast the quicker the narcissist can get you on the hook the quicker the devaluation and discard cycle will start but then you're all you're in too deep when it moves too fast too quick and the usual tricks of rationalizations and second chances will kick in because you get too deep and now you got to make it make sense in your head many times people are afraid to say something about a relationship feeling like it's moving too fast in case they lose that person if I tell them it's moving too fast they may want to end it if a person can't hear you on the pacing of the relationship then you're gonna have bigger issues down the road when you try to talk about important stuff now are there hard and fast rules about how long things are supposed to take obviously not I don't I mean it's not like there's six weeks six months but if it feels like it's moving too quickly for you then it's too quick say something and if you get pushback then this may be a problem also moving too fast is a problem as a pattern sometimes observed in relationships characterized by coercive control the sooner they have you locked in the more they can control you part of them sort of moved too fast paradigm is the constant need for contact 24/7 texting and facetiming and all this stuff good morning princess Tex how's your day princess text what you doing beautiful tax where are you I'd love to see you text take a picture of where you are I'd love to see it tax goodnight babe text it all sounds kind of lovely huh but watch what happens when you can't respond for example you might have a job where you can't be texting all the time or other kinds of life responsibilities and honestly it's not healthy to spend your entire day texting then when you can't respond you start getting irritable textas um hello responses I should say where are you why aren't you responding who are you with ten phone calls in a row then they get so sad because you get frustrated Oh baby I'm so sorry I just missed you so much this is your cue to get out because if they miss you so much they can miss you forever because this isn't a red flag this is an emergency alert it's dangerous by now interestingly there's a corollary to all of this some people have said that relationships with their narcissism ou've too slowly that they couldn't even get the narcissist to respond to a text this is a little bit dangerous I should say a little different and it feels like a game of cat and mouse certainly the hard-to-get paradigm is a big part of some narcissistic relationships they're so arrogant they think you're lucky to be with them and this carries risks too because now you may be focused on the chase and miss the red flags you might be so relieved after two days of not responding they respond and then you start to excuse the major issues boom that's the kind of stuff that comes back to bite you number nine turn off the gas light the first time it gets turned on when you are gaslighted you're being emotionally abused it's pretty much that simple the first time someone questions your sanity your reality your feelings honestly I think your best place to politely say goodbye but if you don't want to take such a cut-and-run approach than what is critically important is that you hold on to your reality and communicate it if your reality and understanding of your reality is met with more gaslighting then now you know this is a gaslighting relationship gas lighting is one of those patterns that is all but impossible to change and it will destabilize you for years to come if you stay once the gas light is turned on respectfully reach in and turn it off and if the person won't let you turn it off then you can turn it off permanently by leaving number 10 pay attention to the almighty future fake I have a video on future faking but the future fake is a classical love-bombing tool someday we're going to do this and one day this is gonna happen and down the road this and that's gonna happen it can suck you in and especially if the narcissist has a good handle on what your dreams are they will cleverly knit your dreams into the conversation but there's lots of some day and all that some day promising happens as they're dropping the ball left and right in the current day and just as you may be getting courageous about saying you know this isn't working for me this doesn't seem healthy and maybe step away from a narcissistic relationship during the early weeks that's when they'll really sweep in with the future fake oh gosh I was already shopping for rings and I saw this amazing house I was gonna put an offer on and I really wanted to support you I gosh I'm gonna pay your tuition I know you dreamed of becoming a nurse or dreamed of becoming or whatever and I really I want to be the one who's going to help you with that beware of gift horses and future promises is all I can tell you you may end up waiting a lifetime and you could have gotten it right in the early months and saw none of this is happen number 11 be careful about making overly big sacrifices early in the relationship moving across the world after three months into our relationship is often not an optimal bet if the fundamentals of your relationship aren't there you're being gaslighted and disrespected giving up your familiar touchstones or perhaps giving up other very important things like your education or your career is very risky many people get sort of swept up in the soul-mate trauma bond future faked love bomb mess that is a narcissistic relationship and this whole idea of the Yolo mindset you only live once they throw themselves headlong into some grand adventure right and it does feel like a grand adventure to move far away if you decide to do that I suggest you leave half your stuff back at your original address it may be a fun adventure but if you leave everything behind you might get sucked into something you feel like you can't get out of there's a major risk if you move move far away or make some other major transition that you could for example get isolated from friends and family and lose supports you need because everything's so far away that's when the real damage can happen and this damage can be augmented for example if you go someplace where you don't speak the language or know the customs or it can even get a job but it doesn't have to be a sacrifice in the form of moving across the country or the globe it can be other chant changes you make like leaving a really good job because a new partner says oh come on I'll cover your bills or dropping out of school or doing anything that takes away things that are important to you give you a more solid toehold in the future and substantiate your life these are risky things to do early on and the ask to give up important things to you or the coy passive nudge that the narcissist will manipulatively do oh you don't have to give all that up for me followed up with Wow you really do love me thanks for doing this for me this is amazing this can set the tone in your relationship that you're a massive sacrifice is what made this a love story and you can easily see how someone who is more of an empath or a rescuer can really get swept away in that self sacrificial thing the tells are there from the beginning and you can be a better gatekeeper if your basic asks are not heard in the early days of a relationship you can all but guarantee they will never get hurt the early months are as good as it's gonna get be bold early on in your relationship if you are rejected for being authentic and for asking for basic things could we just slow down I'm enjoying you but could we slow down or I want to just get my degree done and get those things in order then consider getting out if your instincts are buzzing listen to them fear guilt hope and lack of information are the things that get people stuck in narcissistic relationships they can also be the thing that sucks you in in the first place now you have the playbook use it only the worthy should be allowed to enter your heart in your life these eleven gatekeeping tips are very individual you know what I'm gonna give you a little Easter Egg because I'm sitting here literally making this I just came up with a number 12 okay number 12 gatekeeper gatekeeping issue is be very careful when you listen to other people in the early days of your relationship and I'll tell you why so many times especially if you're in a love Bonnie fairytale a moving fast exciting relationship it'll be the other people say you're so lucky and Wow gosh I wish my person did this for me and I wish somebody always texted me my person barely text me once a day or gosh you know you've always been a bit of a commitment-phobe and now someone's paying attention to you and you're saying your instincts are flying I don't know if you really want this and then they'll enable it and come on you know yeah what is it gaslighting you're talking about you know people make mistakes give them a second chance it's the voices of other people that are often not only what drives second chances and rationalizations but can fill you with self-doubt and that tiny seed of self-doubt in the beginning of the relationship is who could what be what grows into the mighty tree that becomes what gets you stuck in this narcissistic relationship be very very careful when you listen to the voices of others they may even be well-intentioned but they also may not understand our statistic relationships and it may very well be that you skate into this relationship because other people tell you how great this person is or how great this experience is or how lucky you are or don't be so arrogant what do you think people like this come around all the time and you may deny what you know to be true like this feels uncomfortable this person's doubting me it's person second-guessing me these red flags are going up so you've got to learn to trust you that's what I mean about trusting your gut it's about going beyond that just because other people think oh you're so lucky you are lucky you get to be with you always remember that it's so easy to get stuck in this sock sucked into these Ward vortexes vortices I guess they are of what other people think is right for you you need to be the arbiter of what works for you please pay attention to that and that's not tip number 12 actually might be one of the most important of the bunch don't let other people kind of guess like you as you're trying to get into a relationship where you're being gaslighted it's all that confusion of am i doing the right thing if it feels right to you trust it worst case scenario maybe you do walk away from something that had some solid fundamentals but more often than not what I hear about it's people sticking it in far too long in a relationship that they knew was unhealthy by the first month so I hope this gives you some tidbits to focus on and this isn't just from romantic relationships this could be with a friendship this can be in the workplace so a lot of this yes it applies in romantic relationships but think about it any of these things apply and any narcissistic relationships you have I have to say in some of my workplace relationships I knew in the first month something wasn't quite right and then I stuck it out for years and saying oh man I saw this in the first month and I could have gotten out before I got too invested in this particular workplace so pay attention the signs are always there you just need to be willing to see them hear them listen to them and not just rationalize them away I hope this was helpful and if you guys have more ideas for gatekeeping will you please put them in the comment section because all of us will benefit listen I don't know everything it takes a community and all of us learning from each other to help each other get this right thanks again bye-bye now

Channel: DoctorRamani

Views: 439,157

Rating: 4.9619517 out of 5

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Id: UdcGsbcANj8

Length: 27min 18sec (1638 seconds)

Published: Mon Jul 13 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/gruzlica]

Thank you for sharing, I really enjoyed this vid and I will look further into her channel 🙂