How narcissists react when they realize they are in a relationship with a narcissist

hi everyone its dr. Romani welcome back today we're gonna take on a very interesting topic what happens in the narcissist is in a relationship with a narcissist and as always I invite you to hit the bell subscribe you'll get notifications not only on the two videos we put out every week but as we have a special series and all of that as well as our live events YouTube lives and things like that so let's take on this interesting topic what happens when a narcissist is in a relationship with a narcissist in some ways it's a relief right that means the two of them are kind of getting out of the water supply so they can't hurt the rest of us but that said a lot of people do have this question you know do they ever find each other or are they much more interested in preying on empaths they get together quite often because think about it narcissus especially a traditional grandiose narcissist are really flashy they really care about how they look they want the whole Instagram Abul lifestyle like they're you know again it's sort of two superficials drawing into each other so early on they may attract each other in the love-bombing phase the they really are probably actually having a great time together because they want the big gesture so both people are excited to give the big gestures receive the big gestures post about the big gestures so it really really works out well until the day comes when as narcissists always do in relationships they start to get a little bit bored and a little bit contemptuous and that's when things get real interesting and honestly it's like putting two cats in a bag it does not work invariably one person is going to get bored more quickly than the other or one person's gonna need more narcissistic supply than the other one can offer or something's gonna go wrong in one of their lives the thing that often doesn't work in a narcissistic relationship if somebody has a things go much better in their life for one of them than the other so I don't know let's say two people are trying to make it as performers we'll use a very kind of narcissistic example two people are trying to make it as performers and they're kind of doing the thing and making the rounds and going to the auditions but then one of them lands a big job forget about it it's gonna be World War three all hell is going to break loose and not only with a little relationship not and not only will the relationship not last it's going to end and it's going to end badly because when you think about it we go back to the fundamentals of why narcissistic people cannot maintain healthy relationships it's because they view other people as a convenience they view them as a source of narcissistic supply they need they need to regulate through other people they invalidate them and so on and so forth well we also know that narcissists are deeply hyper sensitive so when you have two of them together and neither of them are paying attention to what they're saying because we know that narcissists are incredibly careless and how they talk about you or me or anyone but they expect people to walk on eggshells with them well they're not gonna pay attention on how they're talking to their narcissistic partner and you can you can be for sure that the narcissistic partner is going to get incensed why do you say it that way why did you look at me that way why didn't you remember this and back and forth and back and forth so it's every conflict any of us have ever had in a narcissistic relationship but in some ways it's sort of like the seventh circle of hell because this mirror goes back and forth and back and forth and frankly these relationships can be really really volatile there's a lot of suspiciousness when a narcissist is with a narcissist lots of suspiciousness that somebody's cheating because let's face it narcissists are more likely to cheat and be unfaithful than other people in a relationship so they themselves always flirting and looking for new supply what are they going to do they're going to assume their partner's doing the same for any of you who have ever been in a narcissistic relationship and are not our statistic you remember it you were just sort of doing your thing maybe you had to work late because you had to work late and the accusations often come flying but in this case it starts early and because both of them are constantly seeking out validation from other people there'll be lots of why do you have to have that bikini picture on Instagram why did you have to message that girl on Instagram why did you like that person's picture on Instagram back and forth back and forth where it starts to get really interesting it's something I've even seen clinically with folks is when a narcissistic person is in a relationship with another narcissist and then when the relationship starts to fall apart they actually have a harder time dealing with it then a non narcissistic person would have an anarse Assisting breakup so here's part of why this can happen in some ways when you have two narcissists in a relationship they're like two junkyard dogs always sort of sniffing around suspiciously and kind of always gunning for a fight again when things are going well they're playing and frolicking and having a grand old time when they start going badly they start going badly fast what's so interesting is how surprised a narcissist in a relationship with another narcissist is by their partners entitlement by their partners lack of empathy by their partners grandiosity and by their partners validation seeking they're literally shocked by the thing that they are - so it's very fascinating to walk someone through this because you'll say yeah you know your partner sounds really entitled and so they'll hear that of course and when you're going through a breakup you like to hear that yeah what the other person is doing wrong right but then what gets interesting is you say and in this case I would say this is a clinician working with them or a consultant working with them I'd say you know in this case you may not want to defend yourself you may not want to explain this you may not want to personalize this all the things I've told everyone on these videos countless times so it's the same guidance I'd give her don't defend don't explain don't engage don't personalize what do you think they do they go back into the argument with a narcissistic partner and they engage defend explain and personalize they keep having the same fight over and over again it doesn't work when two people are entitled it's almost like who's gonna be the most first in the line and when these patterns come together and two people have to have everything for themselves I have to be the first in line I have to be the very best that might have been intriguing in the beginning but over time it doesn't work and the arguments get more and more contemptuous one of the things that often keeps two narcissist in a relationship is the sex because we haven't done the sex and narcissism video but to kind of give you a sneak peak on that with narcissistic people the sex can sometimes seem like it's really good because there it's almost like performance art narcissistic individual sometimes do take very good care of their bodies but not always I'm sure more than a few of you know some Rell not very well put together narcissistic people but it is often about like it's showmanship you know I was like I'm gonna make them have the biggest whatever you know the biggest orgasm something like that so the sex is often what keeps people in nurses is to narcissists together and it's very hot and sexy and exciting so those kinds of things and we'll keep them in and when they have these big volatile arguments it's not unusual for this sort of big sex let's forgive each other party to happen and then they go back into the same cycle again some of the things that a narcissistic person complains about when they're in a relationship with a narcissist is they'll say things like why aren't they listening to me why aren't they getting it why does it only have to be their way and no matter how calmly someone like me whose job it is is to explain this to people explains it to them over and over again they simply don't get it when you try to explain that their partner's deeply entitled and doesn't feel like they have to I don't know get back in touch with them or ensure that some of their belongings are brought to them they just don't get it and in many ways it's because we can't see our own faults so if you have a narcissistic friend out there and I kind of hope you don't but if you do and you're trying to walk them through a breakup especially if that breakups with another narcissistic person you're going to feel like you're forever stuck in a loop because they simply don't want to believe that these are the patterns the other person shows and I find it fascinating because you're literally describing themselves to themselves you're literally saying all the patterns this narcissistic person has but when they have to see it in someone else it's like they can't accept that someone else is going to be like this it's a really funny inversion phenomenon that I've seen because you'd think like well one narcissist to be willing to throw another narcissist under the bus and say you're a narcissistic person they're willing to do that but what they can't do what they can't see is why they can't get through to them think about what narcissism is the grandiosity leaves a person feeling like they're Superman or superwoman a Wonder Woman that they can do anything that they have superpowers they're really drunk on their ability to think that they can get anyone to do anything with enough money with enough convincing of course they're gonna do what I say well if the other person's a narcissist no they're not and it is really like watching them two people two adults throw massive massive Tantrums because they can't see through to the other side I mean listen for most of you this doesn't matter but some of you may for example have a sister who's narcissistic married to a narcissistic person they may wonder how is this all going to go down if you do try to give your narcissistic sister or a friend or someone else guidance how about how to deal with their own narcissistic partner I can promise you that they're just not going to get it they can't see the very thing they are and they can't believe that their pad that they don't have power in this situation to turn it around so it's sort of a funny sort of parlor game to watch it all unfold and in most cases it's not your problem if you ain't in the relationship step away if anything maybe get some popcorn and watch the fireworks for people who are clinicians therapists or anything like that working with these kinds of situations it can really really be quite volatile and difficult because in these kinds of narcissist versus narcissist relationship both of them feel like they want to be the winner both of them want to keep the power one of them wants to say I want to walk out of this relationship with all the power and if you've ever watched two narcissists go through a divorce these are the ones that often get very very expensive when two narcissists divorce each other they'll sometimes spend more on attorneys than they will on a settlement because they're so obsessed with the win if there's one thing to remember at the end of any relationship with the narcissist the only win is getting out but when two of them get together for some reason they just can't look into it maybe the mirror is reflecting back something they simply don't want to see so thanks for tuning in subscribe if you haven't and then also stay tuned we have information here about upcoming retreats and other events we'd love for you to join us if you want to do a deeper dive around issues related to healing from narcissistic abuse thanks again

Channel: DoctorRamani

Views: 395,424

Keywords: yt:cc=on

Id: Fdm9DvDi-Lg

Length: 12min 12sec (732 seconds)

Published: Mon Jan 27 2020