10 things narcissists can do to change their narcissistic behavior

hey everyone it is dr. Romani and welcome back to this channel on all things narcissism and narcissistic relationship increasingly this is a channel that is actually often driven by the ideas that many of you as viewers and subscribers to this channel are raising I want this channel to be a useful source of information that's responsive to the questions people have a lot of this stuff is the stuff I pull out of my little head but I want it to also be the stuff that you guys are thinking about too one area I have gotten numerous requests for and I'm finally gotten this together into one place many people watch this channel and say yikes I think I might be the narcissist to which I say number one I applaud you for willing to be self-reflective on whatever any of you are as I say it's an incredibly stubborn person me owning my stubbornness is one of the things that helps me be able to get out of my own way so I think sometimes identifying patterns is important today's video is going to be the 10 things to do if you believe you are narcissist now this topic is sort of based on different things that I want to you know have people sort of think about when they say I think I might be a narcissist because I know I know that I often say that I believe that this is a pattern that doesn't change and so the fact of the matter is is that I think that this is a pattern that is difficult to change impossible to change if a person doesn't think it needs to be changed but for those who say I'm willing to own it this might be me too even to people out there who are in nars in in relationships with narcissus but don't think their narcissistic themselves I highly advise you take a look at this video and I'll tell you why if you listen to this and say there is no way in heck that my partner is even going to do one of these things that's a wake-up call for you because that's not a good sign and for those of you who are in these narcissistic relationship and say you know I think I might be able to get them on board with some of this there may be a bit of a future maybe not be fully healthy but there may be a future you can build through therapy those of you who think you're narcissistic take a look at this and I want you to be honest with yourself this is what you need to do these are the things you need to do if this is going to be a healthy relationship so before we start this journey I'm gonna ask you please subscribe to this channel and you keep getting you know again not only the opportunity to weigh in on what you want to see but more guidance on how to manage narcissism hit that Bell for notification so let's take it on what are the 10 things to do if you believe you yourself are the narcissist as I said I've received so many requests for videos addressing the fundamental question what do I do if I think I'm narcissistic oh listen I I'm not a fan of anyone's self diagnosing or self labeling and narcissism again isn't a diagnosis I am a fan though of people taking accountability for their behavior especially when it impacts other people badly and looking at their patterns and yeah it may be like I said I'm stubborn that all falls under a pattern you might say I'm doing some of these things I want to be aware of it I actually think there's something incredibly courageous about admitting that you may have a difficult personality pattern such as narcissism or that you're antagonistic or any of those things but that is only courageous if you are committed to actually addressing it now I know some of you watching this channel are rolling your eyes at this video and thinking doc why are you even making this video you said they really don't change yeah on a population level and on a probability level that is true but I do work with clients who are narcissistic and I'm heartened to see from the comments I receive that people are watching these videos they're in relationships that aren't working families that aren't working and they are willing to be vulnerable enough to potentially acknowledge it and solid enough to say okay I don't want to be this person anymore I see it I'm starting to see the body count I need to address this I'm gonna tell you now if you think your narcissistic this isn't easy if you're going to changes it means being self aware all of the time catching yourself and not falling falling into your usual patterns of responding if you tend to lash out when you're stressed or disappointed then you need to catch yourself and come up with alternative responses so let's take it from the top what's the number one thing you need to do do you need to be mindful this is the money shot and if you can do this it will be very healing for you and for everyone else this requires slowing down and paying attention to how you listen how you speak how you respond what you say and how your words and actions affect other people in real-time this is not about saying the wrong thing now and then apologizing later it's about being present more often than not and considering other people's feelings when you speak or act it means pausing before hitting Send on the text or the email it means breathing deep before saying invalidating words it means believing another person's reality and never doubting it you can disagree with other people and you can do it respectfully but you don't ever get to take their reality away if this is not how you have run your life to date it's a major shift you may find your bandwidth truly depleted at the end of the day because you are now if you're doing this you are now actually flexing a mental muscle you don't usually use it means shelving your contempt for other people or their opinions mindfulness means being present and aware in the moment and not just thinking about what happened weeks months or years before or wondering if I do this mindful thing is it gonna get me what I want down the road uh it means being present now and that is the only way to learn the kind of self awareness and self monitoring that is essential for pushing past and addressing your past narcissistic patterns number two you need to take the word but out of your vocabulary and this cuts to the core of defensiveness people who have narcissistic personalities tend to be very defensive you also tend to be very argumentative and that is a classical part of this pattern so let's start with an easy good place a good place is to eliminate that word but because it is often the prelude to defensiveness I know I said that but go back to the mindfulness piece listen to people do not shut them down if you don't agree with them you can do so respectfully without saying but and when you are called out for something that may have been uncomfortable for someone else don't defend yourself don't deny their reality don't say things like I never said that or I didn't mean that listen to them commit to learning from the interaction and stop defending yourself all the time it leaves the other person to feel invalidated number three and this is one of the more important ones you gotta get therapy you got to get therapy not only to address than the narcissism but also co-occurring mental health issues and family issues narcissism is a pattern that often co-occurs with other clinical issues these can include depression anxiety substance use anger management issues attention deficit disorder post-traumatic stress and issues related to impulsive 'ti as well as other major mental illnesses like bipolar disorder therapy is an essential tool to address other clinical patterns you may be experiencing and then getting appropriate intervention now in addition we know that the pattern of narcissism has deep developmental routes and these can at times include trauma and neglect or simply inconsistent parenting and a lot of narcissistic folks because they're so defended say no no I had a great family maybe not it's important you also explore some of those issues so you can gain understanding of how long-standing patterns may be contributing to your current personality style and me associated behaviors therapy becomes an important space to learn coping tools and to be accountable we know that narcissism is often associated for example with having difficulties with managing stress and disappointment therapy can be a place to learn different ways of managing those negative experiences like it doesn't ever feels good to be disappointed but to learn to do it in a way that doesn't antagonize other people there are also myriad multiple other issues that a narcissistic personality style can raise and these and can include relationship difficulties problems in the workplace as well as a whole host of other interpersonal problems basically you get into fights with everybody you know and therapy can be a place to learn how to manage these situations in a more healthy and reciprocal manner therapy may also help you with other life challenges including parenting and it becomes an important space to build up that muscle of empathy that you've not been practicing in other areas of your life number 4 focus on gratitude thank you maybe two of the most powerful words in the English language it's one word in many other languages but thank you especially if you say thank you authentically gratitude is good for us and there is good research showing the beneficial health effects of gratitude for your health and let's face it it's also good for other people gratitude forces you to see other people and recognize their contributions rather than take them for granted practice gratitude and specifically take the time to notice the contributions of other people set your entitlement aside and express real gratitude without expecting anything in return and extend that to simply having gratitude for the things that are around you not just people but the life around you number five you got to focus on meaning and purpose Viktor Frankl writes in some ways suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds meaning such as the meaning of a sacrifice the challenge with a narcissistic personality style is that people who are narcissistic are often propelled by very superficial goals money admiration winning and not around meaning and purpose the deeper sense of connection that meaning and purpose give to you to connect you to something larger than you forces you need to grapple with questions like what are you about what do you stand for this is important work inner work and it represents sort of a pinnacle in mental illness if well wellness if you can get there you need to start shifting away from what's important stop focusing on the car you drive the number of followers you have and shift to what is meaningful activities that feel purposeful and connect you to the larger world number six learn to make amends in an authentic manner if you have a narcissistic personality style you have likely hurt far more people than you even know insults lack of empathy contempt invalidation gaslighting deliberate cruelty these things hurt people making amends is critical to addressing family ruptures workplace issues and in your existing relationships it's it's a place to work on reconciliation with everyone it's not easy and not everyone is going to accept your attempt at reconciliation and they don't have to but if you're really going to address this pattern in yourself it's important that you at least make a good-faith attempt to address these wounds number seven create new responses as noted earlier narcissistic personalities like are not good under conditions of stress under disappointment now the tendency is that folks who are narcissistic they take that when they're uncomfortable like when they're disappointed they take it out on other people rather than finding healthier ways to cope for themselves and for others these new ways of addressing stress can include taking a break stepping away before you say something hurtful counting to 10 learning to breathe not personalizing everything and finding appropriate outlet outlets like exercise or meditation number eight you got to take responsibility for your stuff this is a critical issue narcissism by definition is a style characterized by projection denial and even deceit to cover your tracks if you do something or say something just to own it take responsibility for example good leaders take responsibility good friends good family members good partners good co-workers good managers take responsibility yeah it's uncomfortable to take responsibility but it also sets you free from existing cycles of shame the world won't stop spinning if you cop to doing or saying something bad or abusive but if you take real accountability real responsibility and then issue real apology apology then true accountability and Reconciliation can happen this isn't just about saying sorry as a throwaway comment just to keep the trains running this is about taking ownership of your participation and interactions that may hurt people make it right number nine engaging in self compassion instead of self-promotion according to dr. Kristin Neff the three pillars of self compassion our self kindness common humanity and mindfulness self compassion isn't about propping yourself up or bragging or saying I'm really great really luck look how great I am it's actually about being kind to yourself and that isn't always easy believe it or not for people with narcissistic personality styles they're good at bragging but they're not good at self kindness because they are often not kind to other people being kind to yourself means being empathic to your own hurts and wounds and by extension like I said that should help you be kind to other people now common humanity is also not easy for people with narcissistic personalities because they often do not look outside of themselves to recognize that we are all connected to each other and the contempt that narcissistic personalities can have for other people can limit that ability to see this all as part of one whole humanity for narcissistic people you need to stop seeing people as adversaries but simply as people who just all of us deal with the same stuff as you and finally this is where we kind of end where we began good old mindfulness staying in the moment and not always wondering what is happening next or what already happened just stay present get away from that old vindictive pattern of having to always write the old wrongs number 10 take all those patterns of narcissism and turn them around we know narcissism is about validation seeking so turn that around and instead of expecting it for yourself offer it to others narcissism is about lack of empathy instead of having lacking it try showing some narcissism is about entitlement let someone behind you in line go ahead if they have less stuff and wait your taint turn graciously narcissism is about arrogance so let other people be in charge and take note of how well they may do it parts of it that you don't know how to do narcissism is about rage and impulsivity stop and think before you speak and turn down the volume on some of that anger once you suspect that you have a narcissistic personality style and you turn around and you commit to these 10 steps every day I can all but guarantee your relationship with the world will change and as you can see breaking patterns is not easy this is not going to be easy these are different patterns because they're so automatic they're hard to break and hard cycles to change it can be done but it's hard work and consistency is everything you don't embark on a journey like this to convince other people you've changed and then let go of the daily work this isn't about future faking this is about daily hourly awareness and committing yourself to a new way of viewing the world and viewing yourself but wait wait I've come up with a number eleven so consider this little bonus an easter egg in the video think about reacting versus responding for narcissistic individuals their tendency is to react they tend to respond right from the hip it's very different than responding responding is slow and it's mindful and it's thoughtful reacting is thoughtless and careless responding involves taking a moment crafting an empathic response accounting for the other person taking a moment and before you say something really having that pause and thinking before I say this how will this affect this situation how will it affect this other person narcissism is a reactive style reacting can become responding just by being mindful when you react you do things like say I never said that I never did that the reacting is where the gas lighting and the defensiveness can very very easily happen if you can change the pattern and say I'm not gonna react I'm gonna give this a minute and then I'm gonna respond because in our statistic patterns are so impulsive it's much more likely someone's going to react instead of respond it's really about catching that just learning to flex that muscle not going it's almost like physical therapy right you have to learn to move slowly and carefully same thing here you've got to catch yourself not give that reactive response you can do these 11 things you're gonna turn things around for yourself and when you really think about any of these patterns let's use the reacting and responding a great analogy would actually be around losing weight if you've ever tried to lose a lot of weight all of us could pretty much probably do it unless we have underlying health conditions most of us could lose weight and you know how we do it by taking making daily changes every day changing what we eat paying attention to what we saying no to the stuff that's good too good for us saying yes to the stuff that is everyday all the time and are we gonna get it right every day now there's gonna be a birthday party there's gonna be a big night out and we might have a lapse but then we'll say uh next day I'm gonna get back into it it's the same thing every day you have to think about what comes out of your mouth every day you have to think about your impact on other people every day you need to be self reflective if you have a narcissistic style and want to change this you have to do that deep dive you have to pay attention and if you get it wrong one day you eat the psychological equivalent of a bag of chips you stop you catch yourself you take responsibility you make amends and you don't do it again those of you watching this video who may not be having narcissistic patterns yourself but you're watching this to see can a family member be helped can my partner be helped reflect on it do you think this person can do this I'm gonna give you a piece of guidance don't just go show this video to someone unless they're already willing to make the Domitian but if you have someone in your life who's saying yeah I can see that these patterns are true of me share this with them because this is really an 11 point plan for what they need to do and if they can do this every day you might actually have a fighting chance I know a lot of you are sitting there saying come on dr. Romani you've always said this doesn't change I mean it doesn't change because people aren't willing to own that this is their pattern and then do these kinds these 11 things all the time but person really was willing to commit to this hard work I actually think there's some real possibility there it's very very hard so I know a lot of people aren't up to it and some people just say I can't do this I can't be bothered this isn't my authentic self my authentic self is loud and grumpy and mean okay that's I I can get down with that but then if you're in a relationship with that person it's up to you whether you want to sign off on that so this is also for those of you who do have narcissistic personality styles this is what you need - this is what you need to do and there's no other path forward if you stay on the path you are on and you're not hearing with an open ear you are being defensive you are being reactive you're not being mindful it's not good for the people around you but one thing I can all but guarantee is that if you really were to follow these 11 steps and every day for weeks months and years that not only will your mental health significantly improve but so too we have will your physical health your quality of life and your relationships in all realms of your life those of you who say I'm not doing this authentically I'm a loud person I'm used to getting my way that's cool I don't want to get in the way of your authenticity but if that's your authentic style you really can't expect people to get down with that so understand just like we say always it's a rule of physics for every action there's an equal and opposite reaction you're gonna treat people badly I'm trying to teach them to walk away from that but if you really want to put the work into getting this right there really could be a very wonderful rich and connected life ahead of you I would say that if you could try to commit to this and see how it works with you and do it in line with therapy there's a very bright future that could be ahead of you thanks again for tuning in I hope this was helpful if you are enjoying this content as always please subscribe to this channel hit that bell and you'll get notifications and thanks again bye

Channel: DoctorRamani

Views: 739,120

Keywords: yt:cc=on

Id: D60s_zyLeu4

Length: 23min 26sec (1406 seconds)

Published: Mon Jun 22 2020