What is "codependency"? (Glossary of Narcissistic Relationships)

hi everyone its dr. Romani and welcome back to this series that's sort of like a glossary or a handbook of the kinds of terminology that comes up when we're talking about narcissism in our so cystic relationships and these terms come up in blogs and in videos and many times people aren't fully sure what they mean my hope is to clear it create some clarity there but there also may be terms here that may just be brand new to you and maybe a place for you to understand some of the patterns in your narcissistic relationship today we're going to take on the term codependency but before I go on to that please hit the button that says subscribe and also hit the bell that way you'll not only be a subscriber to this channel and get notifications regularly about the content coming out on this channel but also give you a chance to look at all the other stuff that I have there on narcissism so let's talk about codependency now what's interesting is that this is the video in this glossary series that I almost didn't make it's a risky term in a problematic one in terms of when we talk about it in regard to narcissistic abuse and it runs the risk of blaming the person who finds himself or herself in the narcissistic relationship I thought about it for a while and because it comes up so much when people are talking about narcissistic relationship I believe that at a minimum let's talk about it about it in this series with regard to narcissism and narcissistic abuse so anyone who is listening to this whole series gets a full picture of the kinds of words and terms that are used gets a fuller understanding of the terminology used in this world and perhaps I would love if you want to drop a comment would love to hear you what your thoughts and let you weigh in about this debate about how this term fits into the realm of understanding narcissistic relationships the struggle that comes up with the term codependency is that this term is so nonspecific and poorly defined that it ends up taking in a lot of territory including a person who is an enabler whose rescuer who might be termed dependent or needy or indecisive in 1960 not in 1986 Tim and Cermak published a list of criteria he wanted to have included in the DSM as a formal diagnosis of codependency as a personality disorder now obviously that never happened but in the article he had laying all this out he laid out the criteria basically he highlighted the dynamic of the codependent person as a person who gets their self-esteem in part through enduring an unhealthy relationship and they keep other people stuck in that relationship too classically in a family relationship and they do this even though it is hurting everyone in cermak's definition it came down to putting the needs of other people ahead of the codependent person's own needs he also highlighted the anxieties that arise from separation in the codependent dynamic there's also the process of enmeshment that we see in co-dependent relationships which is really just very very tangled boundaries and an unwillingness to draw appropriate boundaries especially with people who have certain kinds of psychiatric and psychological disorders substance use disorders and personality disorders most specific most specifically now Cermak also highlighted patterns including including denial holding back emotions depression hyper vigilance which hyper vigilance is sort of always being on edge and jumpy and chronically monitoring your environment for threats other things include compulsive behavior and anxiety he also speaks to some of the risks we observe for a person as a codependent pattern and he'll highlight a history of physical or sexual abuse that often appears in a codependent person's life and that a person who's experiencing codependency may also be experiencing stress related physical illnesses these could be things like chronic headaches or autoimmune flare-ups and finally in his definition the codependent person does not seek help the overall picture here is of someone who is stuck in a very victimized situation and is not only not trying to get out but is basically clipping their own wings and staying in it the presumption at least my read on it is that the codependent person is aware that their partner is a substance user or has very toxic difficult kinds of patterns and behaviors but they will minimize those issues ultimately however the codependent personality in some ways gets their self-esteem by the sense that they can somehow control the behavior of someone else in their life so in the case of substance abuse or alcohol it's when their partner for example or someone else in the family isn't drinking so their self-esteem gets completely linked to someone else's behavior and that in fact is something they can't control so it's a very risky place to get yourself esteem from now there are some people who believe that narcissistic relationships largely remain in place because the partners of sort of the the person experiencing narcissistic abuse are codependent enablers who participate in the toxic spiral because the narcissist feeds their vulnerabilities while the codependent partner keeps providing narcissistic supply now it's a little bit risky to view it through this lens because personally I think it misses some key shoes now well before dr. Cermak put his definition out there codependency was a term that originated in the clinical literature that focused on addiction and a lot of its earlier origins come out of the language of 12-step programs such as Alcoholics Anonymous it was believed that the family members of a of an addict of a substance abuser could actually make things worse by over helping the addict are over giving to them in essence enabling the addict substance abuse by not drawing the painful boundaries this whole terminology of codependency describes a family system that's often characterized by patterns such as denial lack of communication and again going back to cermak's definition a restricted expression of emotions so overall when we look at the range of definitions on codependency codependent individuals are often observed to deny their own healthy needs and they attempt to save or rescue the problem person in the family system for example the alcoholic whether by denying the problem or by repeatedly rescuing them with caregiving or money or other resources now definitions of codependency since they have since broadened beyond addiction to take in other kinds of problematic difficult relationships including just generally difficult family dynamics family dynamics that center around abuse as well as relationships associated with other mental illnesses and personality dynamics but the general idea is that one parent or other adult family members just keep sticking it out with the toxic person despite the harm it is bringing to everyone namely their children now in my experience of working with hundreds of people in these family situations I have to say that I have observed that being raised in an in validating family can absolutely create the risk of a person feeling obviously as though they're not enough that's a very common dynamic in these families because maybe if you were enough someone in your family system would have had your back or maybe the invalidating things you're regularly told were true because no one had your back and advocated for you and they would have if you were enough over time a child for no other reason than for survival may also participate in denying the problems within the families you know it is everything everything's fine our family is great everything's fine in their adult relationships people from invalidating family systems may then transition into playing the role of being the rescuer and the caregiver with other people with the goal especially in romantic relationships with the goal of winning over his or her unwinnable partner this is all a replay of trying to win over the unwinnable parent interestingly even though a person could grow up in a family system that played out this again codependent dynamic they may actually remain blind to it and not recognize it in their adult relationships instead of questioning the unhealthy dynamic they accept it because it is all they know and honestly it would probably be too destabilizing to question it becoming educated about the pattern and also being educated by about the revelation that these patterns are not likely to change much do rally many people out there out of their blindness to these patterns and can awaken people to make change but the risk of justice missing these patterns and narcissistic relationships as largely codependent and just simply casting the person in a narcissistic relationship in the role of being an enabler or solely as a victim that is complicit in their own abuse that can often set a precedent that pathologize as a person for simply wanting to make a relationship work until he or she recognizes it never will because they get the information my primary concern is writing this entire narcissistic personality relationship dynamic as merely being codependent I feel like it misses a big hole in how we talk about narcissistic relationships I am struck by how many people once they are educated about narcissism can actually become quite decisive and get out or at least set very different boundaries now do all people get out no and perhaps that dynamic the people who won't get out and just keep staying and staying and hurting themselves in that space maybe that's more of the codependent dynamic but the risk of just simply blanket using the codependent term to understand why people get caught in narcissistic relationships can often render the people who are in these relationships as becoming almost like feeling that they're powerless like I'm a codependent so this is just how it is and in fact they're not that powerless because they just don't know but the fact is that the dynamic raised by the definitions of codependency that we've put out there definitely have parallels that we cannot ignore that the narcissistic relationship and the codependent relationship we know that narcissistic relationships are characterized by the denial of your own needs because honestly it's protective at some level you know that your needs are not going to be met within this relationship they're also characterized by anxiety when the discarding phase begins denial about what is really happening in the relationship saying things like but we do have good days hyper-vigilance because you do not know when that narcissist is going to have that injury and fly into a rage stress that can culminate into physical and significant mental health issues and here is where it gets even more bleak one of the issues that often comes up in co-dependent relationships is this idea of constriction of emotions meaning that the codependent person does not feel safe or at times even able to share their emotions and yet we know that sharing those emotions is dangerous and it's invalidating so the question is does that emotional constriction that holding back on sharing your emotions does that happen in other places in the person's life some people and source stuck in narcissistic relationships have learned how to be very judicious and they've learned to not share their emotions with the narcissist in their life but have a full and beautiful range of emotions with other people who are safe and healthy and loving so it's not like they're constricted everywhere we know that codependency is a cycle that can span a person's lifetime they may have a codependent family of origin and that could be due to many issues that could be due to alcoholism other addictions or narcissism and other high-conflict personality styles in that codependent family of origin and what this can do is that this can set up a vulnerability going into adulthood but that vulnerability is not a destiny it's not a guarantee plenty of people break out of codependent family systems and some people actually find the origins of their codependent cycles didn't start in childhood they actually got they show up in there for adult relationships especially if their adult relationship is with a substance abuser or a person with a high conflict personality style such as narcissism and this codependent style may cut across all of a person's relationships it could be a cycle you replicate in not only romantic relationships but friendships work relationships you name it and given that there are often traumatic origins and codependent cycles and much of this cycle in these patterns mirror the trauma bonding cycle which is also covered in this series to push back on a codependent pattern trauma focused therapies become essential but I'm going to come back to my original premise I do believe I do believe that a certain percentage of narcissistic relationship dynamics do reflect codependency but not all of them I believe that there is a substantial subset for whom education about these cycles namely that narcissistic individuals are not going to change and that they are indeed classical cycles that kind of play out the same way for most people that you don't need to personalize these cycles when people know that it tends to set many people free only you know if this term fits you or someone you know so the term codependency often aligns with the trauma bonding cycle and is often a part of big part of the discourse about narcissistic relationships now I think it is much more complex and is not always a given that codependency is exactly what's happening so before you if you are in in our sophistication ship before you just wrap yourself in the label of codependency I want you to really reflect on your patterns many people who stay in narcissistic relationships are not in denial they know exact what they are dealing with but a variety of reasons I don't know finances court systems that don't get at custody systems that don't get a culture religion practical factors they make an informed deal with the devil and they try to escape as soon as any of the strictures get released for example the day their doll of their children are over the age of 18 or they're able to get secure employment think it up but again each story is very different but if indeed you have turned your narcissistic relationship into a full-time job that you're in denial about the damage that this relationship is incurring to you and others if you're managing false hopes and narratives and especially if all of this is occurring against a backdrop of your own early life trauma you know that that's part of your story please please consider therapy as a place to do that deep dive and explore these patterns narcissists persist because the world enables them it often starts with parents and then narcissistic patterns can also be enabled by school systems by friends by workplaces by social media by extended families and by the world in general our beloved narcissists get praised for their cool efficiency their charm their confidence and their success and sadly there's often little regard for what kind of person they are and in that way it's a little cynical but in that way perhaps all of us are a little codependent with the narcissistic people and systems around us perhaps all of us do derive some level of self esteem on the hope and the very very hazy promise that maybe we're going to be the one to master this other person never ever link your self-esteem to another human being you are you freestanding unit your embedded in lots of important systems but your sense of self your self compassion your self-worth they all come from you think about that when you think about codependency I hope this video clarified this term that's often confusing term codependency for you and again as always I'm gonna say please subscribe to this channel hit the bell that'll also give you notifications about this and you can hit the subscribe button there and you'll get daily notifications when we have content coming out so thanks again so much for tuning in again please also drop a comment love to hear what your thoughts are about codependency and narcissistic relationships bye bye

Channel: DoctorRamani

Views: 399,256

Keywords: yt:cc=on

Id: mNaBlPzdJoA

Length: 20min 34sec (1234 seconds)

Published: Thu Apr 23 2020