Lessons from people who are "immune" to narcissists

hi everyone it's dr romini welcome back to this youtube channel on all things toxic narcissistic and otherwise interpersonally unpleasant it's a youtube channel meant to sort of unlock the secrets of narcissism so that you can push back on this and as always knowledge is power when it comes to these relationships the more you do the more you know the more you're able to make better decisions for yourself i'm going to take on an interesting question today and before i start the video i'd love to hear some of your thoughts on it if you know anyone like this do you know anyone out there who's actually immune to narcissists meaning that they're just not bothered by them because that's what this video is going gonna take on is this question are there some people out there who are actually immune to narcissists before we get to that and again drop a comment there if you know anyone like that hit that like button give us that thumbs up if you do like this video subscribe you get the comments alone just to tune into those just about every day is worth it and then also hit that bell if you want to get notifications so let's let's answer this question though are there people out there who are actually immune to narcissists that was a medication i could tell i'd be a very wealthy woman it's an interesting question that clients have raised with me have demonstrated to me and lots of people have asked about i've gotten more than a few emails about this question i can all but bet if there was a magic pill or perhaps even an immunization that you could take that would make you immune to narcissists that more than a few of you would be happy to sign up especially those of you who have to still live your day-to-day lives with narcissists and they really really take a toll on you this idea of being immune to narcissists is a phenomenon i've seen a few times there are people out there who themselves are actually not narcissistic or not fully who literally don't let narcissists get under their skin they will be working with one they have a parent who is one they have a partner who is one and it really doesn't get to them they'll tell the partner to step off and if they don't they'll leave they shrug their shoulders at the difficult colleague and don't let it get in the way of them doing their work they find a way to communicate with a difficult parent and it doesn't get to them it's really interesting to see so what's going on what do these people have going on that lets them kind of navigate these worlds without it really taking a toll on them now let let me please start with a disclaimer some of these so called narcissist immune people i guess can sometimes be a little enably a little gaslighty and sort of benign narcissisty they may minimize the struggles you are having with the narcissist and they may also not call the narcissist out so the narcissist will stay up to their usual tricks it just doesn't bother the person who's immune to it but this isn't always the case the fact is they're not always enabling they're not always a little narcissistic they're just not bothered by the narcissists so what is their secret because once you know it you're gonna know it so their secret is so simple that i know you're gonna roll your eyes i can see right through and i can see you're rolling your eyes as you watch this video but it's really this simple they don't take the narcissus bs personally it's literally that simple they don't make it personal i have worked with clients who had very toxic parents and difficult histories they've worked with toxic colleagues they've had toxic partners and they were fine they were not confused they were not full of self-doubt they weren't ruminating they just didn't take it personally as i said i've worked with more than a few clients like this now they are rare they're very rare people like this but they tend to have a few things i don't know for lack of a better way to put it they have a few things going for them first of all people who are immune to narcissists tend to be confident and self-assured in their own abilities they're clear on what they know and they're clear on what they don't know and addition and in addition to that they do tend to do things that they love whether it's in their work or in their hobbies or both they're just there's a self-assuredness number two that they don't take the narcissist behavior personally the point i was making originally they're able to say yep he's an absolute jerk she is a complete and utter pain in the neck that's on them though it has nothing to do with me so even when the narcissist is saying mean gaslighty invalidating outlandish things they just tend to shrug and they just don't make it their problem the third thing we see in people who are immune to narcissists is that they're really able to hold on well to their reality so even when they are gaslighted again they shrug and will say all right that's your version i got a version and i guess we're just going to have to agree to disagree the fourth thing we see in people who are sort of immune to the narcissist is that they're able to set and maintain boundaries probably because they are relatively immune to the narcissist's bad behavior they know when to quit they are willing to leave dinner parties early quit from jobs stay in hotels instead of at the narcissist house and they have an uncanny ability to know when to say no and to stick by their boundary now the fifth thing is interestingly they may not even know the narcissist is a narcissist and that is a very important point for you to know it's not as though that they all went out there and got educated on toxic personality styles the kinds of things you're doing through this youtube channel and the stuff you read there's there's an equanimity to people who are immune to narcissists and again by equanimity i mean they're like they kind of just sort of are able to get along with everyone and they just sort of shrug and say i'm not going to let them get me down now these sometimes lovely and relatively rare zen scholars in our midst can often have tough backstories of their own it's not as though these sort of narcissistic immune people necessarily come from cushy loving safe places they often had very narcissistic families of origin and relatively tough life journeys it's interesting because it's as though they were engaging in radical acceptance without knowing it was even a thing they don't fight pointless battles they don't personalize and they don't let themselves be abused they may actually make excuses for the narcissist and that's interesting because what you might see is they'll literally say ugh that person he doesn't know what he's saying but then they may back that up with but what they said was not okay so they're just not fully enablers sometimes they're able to back it up with that statement saying that yet that's not okay even though they can't help themselves these immune folks are able to skirt both sides they know that the narcissist is totally not self-aware and they're able to point the behavior out as problematic especially to people who are being hurt by the narcissist they're able to acknowledge like yeah this isn't okay people who are relatively immune to narcissists can be very easy going in general things often just don't bother them so in that way like i said it's not necessarily that they understand narcissism it's that it just doesn't get to them they don't tend to people tend to be people who always personalize everything and what's even more interesting and this is really important they don't try to change the narcissist they actually don't care that the narcissist won't change and it's they don't always end the relationship it's not like these folks are going out going be no going no contact all the time it's the fact that they understand that the narcissists won't change and for whatever reason to them it doesn't bother them now when their narcissistic relationship gets more abusive and it may escalate into a violent realm the fact is the odds are very high that the immune narcissistic people got out of those relationships long before it happened but if it does again the immune person is likely to step away clearly recognize violence as never acceptable and write the narcissistic person off as having an issue that is not their own so what can we learn from these immune narcissistically immune unicorns who are in our midst number one with the narcissist don't take it personally these immune folks have an incredible ability to shrug shrug and shrug and say this isn't about me that's them it's not me number two they don't try to change the narcissist ever they accept that this is how it is and because they don't personalize it it often doesn't get to them it's not saying that they like it but they're like i i'm not going to be the one to change this number three they engage in self-preservation immune folks have solid enough psychological cores and egos to do the things that make them happy and to find the good stuff around them even when the narcissist is making a mess out of everything and if the relationship becomes too unhealthy they set boundaries or they step away but not from an anguish grief-stricken position they just step away saying i can't do this the fourth thing is that they're not afraid many if not most people are terrified of the narcissist rage and this does not apply in cases when a narcissist becomes violent i'm talking about sort of that psychological loud rage the immune folks are just not afraid of traditional rage they'll take the stance off of the stance of of let this narcissist make a fuss they look ridiculous and if they start yelling i'm out i'm not going to listen to someone yelling at me fifth they know when to cut their losses some narcissistic relationships are simply not sustainable the people who are immune to narcissists somehow they have a good sense of when that is and they step away or do a sort of gray rock situation interestingly immune folks often don't go full no contact unless the narcissist initiates it again these immune folks are just able to shrug it off number six they don't derive any of their self-worth from the narcissist one of the most toxic dynamics we observe in the narcissistic relationship is the trauma bonding and the codependency the person in the relationship with the narcissist derives their self-esteem or their sort of sense of self from mastering or taming the narcissist the immune narcissistically immune folks don't have that kind of bond they don't feel the need to master the narcissist and they're just sort of good with themselves none of this is to say that the immune people don't get exhausted by the narcissist they absolutely do they can find it very depleting to be with a narcissist but they are very good at engaging in the sort of decompressing and self-care that narcissistic relationships require they may recognize that they won't for example join folks from work for happy hour because they're really genuinely tired from dealing with all the kinds of ups and downs of the narcissistic conversation all day and they know they're not going to change or they may cut time on a family vacation or family holiday shorter because they know their limits or they go to bed earlier than their narcissistic partner so they just don't have to deal with arguments in the evening they recognize the exhaustion and they don't personalize it but they attend to it almost the way a new parent needs to attend to making sure they get rest because they've got a new crying baby at night and the immune folks are human too and will acknowledge that it's not healthy that these narcissistic relationships are not healthy but again not from a place of being shredded and soul-crushed by these relationships but from a circumspect place they accept i just can't get through to them and i am not going to waste my time and energy on them so perhaps being immune to narcissists may really be about being kind to yourself not taking another person's behavior personally learning to shrug a lot living a life you love and doing things you enjoy cultivating your sense of self and in some ways giving up on the expectations that other people dictate to you about life so many people in narcissistic relationships turn themselves into human sacrifices trying to please an unpleasable human being but if you think about it the day you sort of stop caring about what they think and sort of again shrugging it off that could be a really really important step to your freedom because here's the thing narcissistic relationships are so triggering that most of us are probably never going to fully get to this place of immunity but we can definitely take a page out of the immune person's playbook or at least steal a few of their great psychological antibodies and learn from them and a final point on something that the people who are immune to narcissists are able to do they don't get overwhelmed or tricked by the enablers and the people who do the gaslighting by proxy once again the narcissistically immune people much as the just like any human being want to fit in they know who they are enough and they know that they can see that the narcissist behavior isn't necessarily good that even when the enablers are saying no no no what they're doing is fine that the immune person is able to say yeah no it's actually not fine and it's not good for me so i'm not going to do it and i'm actually not going to hang out with them there's a very matter of fact quality if you've ever been in the presence and again i'd love to hear in the comments if any of you have ever been in the presence of someone who really is immune to this they're very very unique creatures like i said they can feel very zen and i'm going to be honest some of them again can be a little mildly narcissistic they're a little bit there's a word out there it's a good word for you to learn they're a little supercilious it's like oh i can't be bothered so they can feel a little snobby so i'm not saying that these narcissistically immune people are saints or angels by any stretch they can just sort of be a little above it all but it is very interesting to me how they just don't get their their noses bent out of shape and again i want to remind you don't hold this up as a goal a lot of us just the way we're wired present company included we're not going to get to a place of full immunity narcissists still really get to me i still go into the shower and scream and let forth some choice expletives or come home and just yell at the cat and can't believe that this has happened so i i they still get to me so i'm telling you knowing as much as i know i'm not immune i know that there's old ancient triggers for me that gets set off and i'm always fascinated by the people who are relatively immune like i said over the years i've been jotting down the things they do it becomes an interesting playbook so even if you're never going to be fully immune just make it so that the next time you're in the presence of that virus called narcissism you don't get the full-blown flu it can keep it a little milder so thanks again for tuning in i hope you enjoyed this video if you liked it always give me that thumbs up it's a little bit of validation that i wouldn't mind getting and as always if you are enjoying this community subscribe to this channel hit that bell read those comments because there's some good juicy stuff down there and as always keep tuning in for more content you have more ideas for videos please drop us an email or drop some in the comments section bye-bye now

Channel: DoctorRamani

Views: 1,165,985

Keywords: yt:cc=on

Id: hsC2_CUVBp4

Length: 17min 19sec (1039 seconds)

Published: Sun Jun 28 2020