Narcissists and ...

hi everyone it's dr romini welcome back to this youtube channel on all things related to narcissism and helping you understand narcissistic personalities and how they affect your life probably not for the better now today is an interesting topic that several people ask me about and something i've even encountered clinically with clients who are experiencing sort of narcissistic abuse which is narcissists and their consumption i guess watching you know participating in watching of pornography so this is a um this was an interesting topic that came up and it is an issue let me sort of start it with a strange sort of disclaimer this is not a moralistic video like if there is an adult out there who wants to watch pornography and presuming that that pornography features only people who are consenting to being in that film or medium then you do you you know this is again this is not moralistic this is very much a video about somebody watching pornography they're in a relationship typically with someone else that person they're in a relationship with is taking offense to it or saying please don't do this i feel disrespected please stop and um and the person in this case in this video will be talking about a narcissistic person won't stop and there's a lot of betrayal and and bad feelings around that so i want to break this down though why it is if you're in a relationship with a narcissist and they keep watching pornography why they're not so again not meaning to take a moralistic stance about this in general it's just really about this unique kind of a situation within the narcissistic relationship so this could actually be a very quick video if i were simply to say talk to me about narcissism pornography yeah narcissists probably do watch more pornography than people who are not narcissistic now again i'm going to reiterate this disclaimer that i made tack the the the stance i'm taking in this video also is in the literature to date on pornography and narcissism is based on unheterosexual porn so it's based on a man watching a pornography while a woman in a relationship with him is uncomfortable with it and that is a bias in this video so i will need to do more research on non-heterosexual relationships to talk more about it in that setting but this is very much focused on heterosexual relationships okay now to anyone who's ever been in a relationship with a narcissist this revelation that narcissists watch more porn is not going to be surprising to you your partner's pornography consumption may and may still be or was a chronic source of discomfort even resulting in a sense of betrayal in your relationship it may feel that their pornography watching is compulsive something that they do too often too regularly and may also be something that you experience as being inappropriate within the boundaries of your relationship but what is it about narcissist and pornography specifically because as a personality group they really do gravitate to it i'm going to be talking about the narcissism pornography connection someone i worked with actually at one of the retreats programs i had done um and she's an incredible survivor of narcissistic abuse she reached out to me about this particular question and interestingly in her letter to me she steered me to some of the academic literature on this topic for example there was a study published in 2014 by casper and his colleagues which showed some interesting associations between internet pornography consumption and multiple measures of narcissism the architecture of narcissism fits well with what pornography delivers one of the core deficits of narcissism is a deficit in the capacity for intimacy for narcissistic individuals relationships largely serve as a tool to regulate their self-esteem and so their relationships aren't really about love reciprocity respect or mutuality but rather with the narcissist getting what they want and what they need from the other person it also means that all of the elements of intimacy become devoid of depth and serve to feed the need for the narcissistic supply so sex becomes complicated and when it's viewed through a healthy lens sex is really about emotion and connection but when it's when sex is viewed through the limited capacity for intimacy that is really the province of narcissism it becomes about power gratification control performance and validation and pornography delivers on all of that pornography takes sex and boils it into a consumable commodity and it's consumable on demand it requires no empathy no connection no reciprocity no respect and no regard for the other person it's superficial and it's visual and thematically it can often feature themes of degradation control and power but above all else pornography makes no demands on the narcissist other than maybe that they have a subscription to a site which is exactly how they like their relationships isn't it no demands no pressure no asks all gratification pornography is convenient and convenience is the one thing narcissistic individuals want most from their relationships but in essence the ubiquitous availability of pornography means that people with major intimacy deficits like we see in narcissistic personalities can keep reinforcing and feeding their unhealthy schema which is their issue until the narcissist brings it into an intimate relationship now one theme that often arises when one partner confronts the narcissistic partner about their pornography use is not surprisingly gaslighting they'll say things like everyone watches porn it's not a that big a deal men are visual now none of these statements and defenses ever take into account the idea that their partner is hurt or bothered by their part by their narcissistic partners chronic consumption of pornography their unwillingness to recognize their partner's sense of betrayal or hurt that they're watching pornography is a clear manifestation of the utter lack of empathy and the chronic need to justify their behavior this stance on top of all of the other gaslighting that is happening in the relationship can be incredibly destabilizing it's not unusual for a person whose partner is engaging in chronic pornography use and who is being gaslighted to start saying that they feel like a prude or even better the narcissist will often pull out the ultimate gaslight the narcissists will say i'm watching porn because you don't have enough sex with me it's like an alcoholic blaming their drinking on other people narcissists can't take responsibility for their behavior ever and least of all when it is being judged negatively now it's interesting because one thing we do know is a core issue around pornography watching is shame and one of the core issues in narcissism is shame so that means that their rage about you calling out their pornography usage is often magnified narcissists hold too grandiose and image of themselves to want to be seen as a person who is secretly pleasuring themselves while they're watching pornography on their phone while everyone else is asleep in some cases the more malignant narcissists will play off their pornography watching as normal shame may be less of their dynamic but the shame dynamic often means that your calling out of their pornography viewing will activate the shame rage cycle for them and when you do call them out like i said you need to be prepared for gaslighting in every which way you're going to hear things from them like i said everyone watches porn or it's not that big a deal or you are being such a prude or maybe if you had sex with me or maybe if you hadn't gained weight then i wouldn't be watching it again particularly diabolical because they're blaming you for their behavior and this has left many people who have who have narcissistic pornography viewing partners wondering maybe this is my fault i haven't been having sex with him as often so maybe what he's doing is normal hold on to your reality if something doesn't feel right then typically it's not some people also view themselves and want to view themselves as really progressive and they struggle with whether they're being provincial because they're asking their partner to watch pornography you know what it's okay to set boundaries that feel appropriate and healthy to you too many people in narcissistic relationships stretch their boundaries to an uncomfortable point they go along to get along and it's not good for your mental health to do that don't feel pressured to give in to their gaslighting another gambit they will often try is wouldn't you rather that i just watch pornography instead of cheating on you as though that's a meaningful choice they feel entitled to their pleasure no matter whom it harms again narcissists don't have empathy or regard for other people so they do not even consider or care that their partner may view their behavior as a betrayal now some people will gaslight themselves and say well at least he isn't cheating with someone else so maybe i just need to be okay with it you actually don't it can be a conversation with your partner but you do not have to unilaterally adjust to what works for them you may be wondering are some people okay with a partner watching pornography yeah some are absolutely but not most in some cases the pornography is in something that gets integrated into a couple's sex life they watch it together but in almost all cases of narcissistic hyper consumption of pornography it is something they do alone they do not talk with you about it it is never a conversation or a collaboration and finally many narcissists already hold dismissive and contemptuous views of people over whom they want to control and dominate and in the case at least of heterosexual pornography it is often designed to demean and humiliate as well as to maintain derogatory stereotypes of women if a person watches pornography enough it can reinforce these dismissive and contemptuous stereotypes which then can turn into even more dismissiveness within their intimate relationship just when you thought it couldn't get worse now again i know this video is biased to a certain kind of gendered assumption and relationship assumption that men watch pornography and this is these are heterosexual relationships and it's a limitation of this video but i also know that many people in narcissistic relationships have struggled with this scenario and experienced significant betrayal and humiliation as a result of their partner's pornography consumption if you remember also that narcissistic sex is also very performative they like to show off in bed so you again you can understand their attraction to pornography pornography is improbably well groomed and well-shaped bodies having sex in improbable positions in improbable circumstances it's all very grandiose and because narcissistic sex is grandiose and it's stripped of all intimacy and connection they bring those grandiose assumptions to the bedroom if a person is watching porn nothing that is happening in their regular bedroom at home is likely to keep pace with that in fact some people will say that in the early days of their relationship the exciting sex with the narcissist is what got them or kept them on the hook somehow the kink fest starts to become a little less practical when your poodle insists on sleeping in the bed with you or you're sleep training an infant but the performative sex show that the narcissist yearns for and almost needs to get validation from means that many people feel that they just can't keep up with the sexual demands and novelties that a narcissistic partner may have and crave and as real life creeps in those narcissists will waddle on over to the internet different people view pornography watching in different ways some people see it as betrayal some see see it through the lenses of indifference some are disgusted by it the most important thing is that you don't judge your reaction to your partner's porn watching and if your partner cannot respect your request then porn or no porn maybe that's all the wake up call you need that a request that you're making within the intimate space of your relationship cannot be honored pay attention to that because it's definitely not speaking well about the overall health of your relationship if you have any thoughts about this one drop it in the comments like i said i know the limitations of this video so if that's your comment please know that i'm seeing it i get it but so many people have had this question and yeah short answer narcissistic people do watch more porn thanks again for tuning in welcome to this channel if you're new to it please subscribe join if you have any any other thoughts or comments and ideas for new videos please feel free to leave them here thanks bye-bye now

Channel: DoctorRamani

Views: 972,179

Keywords: yt:cc=on

Id: qkgIHS4aGpo

Length: 15min 7sec (907 seconds)

Published: Sun Oct 11 2020