8 common patterns in trauma bonded relationships

hi everyone it's dr romini and welcome back to this youtube channel on all kinds of issues related to narcissistic relationships today we're going to be talking specifically about trauma bonded relationships and i'm gonna lay out eight common patterns we observe in trauma bonded relationships the term trauma bonded is often used to describe a key dynamic in the narcissistic relationship it reflects a pattern whereby a person remains bonded or remains in an unhealthy relationship characterized by manipulation invalidation and emotional or other forms of abuse early experiences of neglectful chaotic inconsistent and in some cases frankly abusive relationships impact attachment and relational expectations and result in an equating of love and abuse or a relationship being a place where a person is always having to work to maintain a partner's interest while the trauma bond most consistently plays out in adult intimate relationships it can also be reproduced in close friendships and relationships in the workplace the language of trauma bonding is a little tricky if used correctly it is never meant to blame a survivor who is in one of these relationships but rather to lay out the unconscious dynamics that may not have been adequately addressed in trauma focused therapy so a person can identify these patterns and become aware of the pathological dynamics inherent in the relationship these are very difficult cycles to break and it definitely takes time in this video i want to lay out eight core dynamics we observe in trauma-bonded relationships it can be useful to understand these so you are aware of what may be happening in your relationship so pattern one is justification justification is the signature move of trauma bonded and in fact all narcissistic relationships the litany of they don't mean it my partner is stressed my parent had a tough childhood it's not their fault blah blah blah justification in the trauma-bonded relationship is reflexive you don't even think about it it's a manifestation of the cognitive dissonance a way to break that inconsistent thinking i want this relationship to last this person is being cruel to me so you break that uncomfortable dissonance by saying uh i know they're being mean to me but they're stressed and they didn't mean it and then you get to keep the relationship now justification starts in childhood the child attempting to justify the narcissistic or abusive parents behavior or words and this is how it becomes an almost reflexive pattern in adult relationships and not only keeps people stuck in narcissistic and trauma-bonded relationships but enables others number two is believing the future faking future faking is a key element of narcissistic relationships future faking is those many promises that are made in toxic relationships prom promises that are made about getting married having children where you're going to live sure i'm going to support you when you go back to school one day when i retire we can do this and that and it is also seen when things start getting unhealthy in a relationship and you may even start making moves to leave the relationship and then your partner says i am going to go get therapy i'm going to work on myself and it never does really happen at least not in a substantial way and then you stay longer people in trauma bonded relationships want to believe and as a result even a little future fakey throwaway statements become a branch to hang on to and to pin those justifications on people in trauma-bonded relationships may even share the future fakes with friends my partner said that we are finally going to move so i can pursue my career closer to the city next year the move will never come and the trauma-bonded person lives in the hope but never in the reality number three trauma-bonded pattern is you keep having the same fight over and over again there is sort of what we call a repetition compulsion to the trauma-bonded relationship the same fight over and over again happens with no resolution because the narcissistic or toxic partner has no intention of changing it may be about money about not spending enough time together about a past indiscretion or lapse in trust about your respective families and it never ends the same fight every holiday season this is indicative of the lack of empathy or growth on the side of the unhealthy partner and the trauma-bonded partner caught in a cycle of hope and addressing the same issues and having the same argument but hoping for a new outcome a major piece that gets missed and the trauma-bonded relationship is that toxic personalities are really rigid and do not change so in the absence of that recognition the same cycle keeps repeating number four you have mystical magical thinking about the trauma bonded partner people may even point out to the trauma bonded person how unhealthy the patterns are in the relationship and many people in trauma-bonded relationships will not be able to give clear and healthy reasons for staying in the relationship but rather we'll say things like i don't know it's just something about my person no one gets it but it's just something something this vague referencing is a form of magical justification that keeps a person stuck it's something nobody can understand right so it's magic when giving reasons for commitment we look for hard and heavy stuff respect kindness compassion mutuality reciprocity empathy and growth a person in a healthy relationship will be able to clearly articulate these clear reasons and not say it's just something number five pattern is fear of leaving a major theme in the trauma-bonded relationship is that even as a person gets closer to recognizing that this is not a healthy relationship and maybe i want to consider stepping away a fear overcomes a person the classical fear of most narcissistic relationships self-doubt about what if i'm wrong after so many years of making justifications and second guessing and being confused that confusion can drive a fear of leaving and going into the unknown trauma bonded and toxic relationships are almost a form of indoctrination like we would see in a cult and the way a cult keeps people around is by generating fear of what is out there in the great unknown number six pattern is becoming a one-stop shop for your partner in trauma-bonded relationships we see the trauma-bonded person attempting to become a one-stop shop for the toxic or narcissistic partner or family member not only their partner but they sort of become trying to become a personal assistant who keeps everything running you try to be their friend their shrink a parental figure who sooths them their chef their housekeeper their cheerleader you try to look the way they want and be what they want which is exhausting because what they want at any given time can shift on the daily and when they are not interested in you they do not want to be bothered so you just never know whether to be on or not this zeal to be all things to the difficult person can overtake a person in a trauma-bonded relationship with a belief that if i do enough for them they will be happy newsflash they will never be happy not because you're lacking anything but because they're not capable number seven pattern is hiding your feelings and needs this may be one of the most painful patterns of the trauma-bonded relationship that you do not feel that you can share your feelings your needs your vulnerabilities and you know what it is actually true you can't share those things at least not without getting hurt but the pattern of hiding needs and feelings in a trauma-bonded relationship is not about a survival strategy it often reflects a self-devaluation and a fear of upsetting the narcissistic or toxic person again back to that proverbial walking on eggshells so holding back needs and feelings is a way of keeping the illusion of the relationship alive yes you are right strategically if you do decide to stay you do not get to share your feelings because it is not worth the strife and disrespect but that is from an informed place and you can intentionally cultivate new and healthy supports in a trauma-bonded relationship hiding your feelings and needs is a way to keep the relationship afloat and a devaluation of self after a lifetime of relationships in which your feelings were not valued number eight is rationalizing the relationship to other people or hiding the patterns from others in trauma bonded relationships people often do not share what is really happening in the relationship with other people around them people who are trauma bonded are aware that what is happening in their relationship is not a good look but for all the reasons i have listed here people in these relationships are caught in a cycle of defending it to themselves so obviously that defending it to themselves is going to extend to the world at large much like a child who's growing up in a very emotionally abusive or chaotic or invalidating home who talks about their childhood in glowing or happy terms the shame of being from an unhappy family is overwhelming a trauma-bonded person may describe the relationship as good may talk about the future faked stuff as though it is really happening may hide the uncomfortable stuff or be very vague when speaking about the relationship what is so difficult about this is that it means that many trauma-bonded people do not get the support they need since they are sort of offering up a rosy picture of their life and in this way they may not be hearing the dissenting voices meaning that the patterns of justification sustain and the person in this relationship remains more stuck even in therapy and i have worked with lots of trauma bonded people in therapy initially they will talk and share about the relationship and we'll back it up with and that what's happening in my relationship that's normal right this is just the daily stress of a relationship right and my job is to give them the gentle no it's not as many of you hear about the trauma-bonded cycle you may recognize that these are cycles we see in traditionally abusive relationships such as those observed in domestic violence in childhoods characterized by abuse and neglect in abusive workplace situations and these cycles are observed in all of those and in any relationship characterized by trauma bonding you may be wondering is this permanent can it change yeah it can and it is very effortful in fact trauma bonding is likely why when a person meets a partner who is stable and kind and command and compassionate and no drama and will say gosh darn it this person is so nice and this whole relationship is so healthy but i don't know i don't think we have a connection in the absence of the chaos and the frantic trying to get the partner to notice and jump through hoops it's a place that nobody recognizes at home it's not dysfunctional enough it takes a while to let go of those worn patterns of childhood and break out of the cycles of drama equals love abuse equals love invalidation equals love trauma bonding can change it can and it does happen and it requires you to understand the architecture of these relationships and of yourself there is so much shame activated by these relationship cycles and then subsequent self-blame this isn't your fault it's the not understanding it or not getting it and sometimes once you get it you can start changing these patterns i hope this gives you some clarity on the trauma bonded patterns that you might be reading this and saying ah is that what the trauma bond is i hope it gives you that clarity and if you want to add anything to these eight patterns please do so and just throw that in the comments so we can all benefit thank you

Channel: DoctorRamani

Views: 421,823

Keywords: yt:cc=on

Id: yH-H4PkoH88

Length: 15min 30sec (930 seconds)

Published: Tue Mar 23 2021