What did your parents teach you that you would never teach your kid?

like and subscribe right now or else this will be in your bed tonight our /oscar etic by planet reddit what did your parents teach you that you would never teach your children that parents don't have to apologize if they are wrong because they are parents I grew up in a big family and many times one sibling would be blamed for another siblings action both by parents or other siblings if I yelled at sibling a for something sibling B did I would be made to apologize to sibling a if my mom yelled at me for something sibling a did after everything was sorted I'd ask how are you going to apologize to me now and she would said I don't have to I'm the adult I have kids of my own now and if I do something wrong I apologize I'm so lucky that my parents have actually been really good about this my whole life they realize when they have messed up and they will apologize accidentally whack my eleven-year-old brother's face into the couch and made his tooth bleed I immediately apologized made sure he was okay and then bought him a slushy for good measure I don't understand how why some adults won't apologize to kids they don't see them as people I would never compare my kids to other kids not only did it make me feel shitty back there it's made me unnecessarily competitive now and I seem to compare every little thing of mine with other people's got I feel this so hard growing up I wished I had a sibling to hang out with but given how frequently I was compared to my classmate so the kids of random co-workers who I realize now that being an only child was the best thing that could have happened as an only child I was still compared to my mother's friends kids that I hang out with a lot the competitive spirit in me probably stems from that when I think about it oh don't worry you're compared to your siblings all the time how to rewind the VHS remember the first time you watched a DVD and tried to rewind it afterwards that was a trip to learn that you don't have to rewind DVDs yet just flip them over and watch it in Reverse happy cake day never allowing me to tell my side of the story when I was getting in trouble most of the time it was my fault or something I could have done about it but there were times that there was an honest explanation that would have explained the situation and it was always talking back just give me a freaking second got so much this I swore never to do this to my children as a kid I remember vividly sitting there so ucking confused because my parents just made up a completely [ __ ] story about what happened based on the small amount of if they witnessed instead of letting me explain what happened I spent two weeks grounded one time because I broke a car window with my football when I didn't even go outside that day when it was actually broken when it was hit by a parking car I couldn't understand why my parents wouldn't let me explain it's so acting weird and is a complete abuse of power to just arbitrarily decide right and wrong like that but this kind of parenting is what gets people tossed into retirement homes where they live out their days wondering why their kids don't call or visit it's a very depressing state of affairs for all involved I'm sorry you had to live with that I can relate to this my mother's mom didn't give two shits about her my poor mother had to sell her body to get where she is now meanwhile my grandmother is still babying her two sons in relate forties and early fifties that should have made lives for themselves years ago and my grandmother still has the audacity to ask my mom for money never say a word if someone hurts you never object never protest and if you cry that is your weakness coming through don't cry if you speak out when you are attacked you will be attacked twice as hard silence is the only way through to safety say nothing no matter what this advice really really hurt me over where the yuck did you grow up sounds like some shady [ __ ] there but that may be the worst advice I have ever heard this happened to me to keep crying for nothing and I will give you a good reason to cry sadly that is not as uncommon as you think sometimes parents won't specifically say that but this is what our kid Minds understand yet I've heard I'll give you a reason to cry so many times not just by my parents who usually said it jokingly but it was still frightening but others to guilt trips all the damn guilt trips got one today from my mother actually yuck I hate my mom for trying to guilt trip me so much she does it so much that I can tell when she is about to so I can point it out which makes her guilt trip me on accusing her of guilt tripping me it's a vicious cycle guilt rape I know this was a typo but it is so arking accurate my parents taught me not to share my feelings it has taken me a long time to be able to do this I don't want my kids hiding their feelings yo this there's some really important lessons I had to learn as an adult about expressing feelings all because of how my parents treated my feelings I am NOT repeating that [ __ ] my kids will know all feelings are valid and that feelings are meant to be spoken about without judgement if you don't feel that's possible you should be sure to have our safe person to talk to about it to be afraid of them there's a post that keeps circulating that explains how I feel perfectly it goes something like I don't want my kids to mess up and feel like they have to hide it from me I want them to mess up and come to me asking what they should do mistakes are a part of life my mom goes for search when I make a small mistake like spilling a drink and I don't want my kids to be afraid of being human exactly when I have kids and they make a mistake I don't want the first thing they think to be [ __ ] my dad's gonna kill me I want them to think [ __ ] I have to call my dad I grew up with my mother who was open to accepting my mistakes and honestly it was a godsend I never really had to fear when I had done something wrong as she seemed to nearly brush them off as something not as major as I would make it see to something as small as this really makes a difference and it has made her a major role model for my life when I was growing up she was the person I wanted to be there's no reason to be stressed everyone gets stressed whether it's something big and life-changing or small and inconvenient growing up my sister and I always heard you shouldn't be stressed about this this isn't a big thing to stress over and stuff like that instead of being taught to manage our stress we've learned to hide it and bottle the up so our parents wouldn't think we're dramatic or something instead of teaching kids to not be stress how to teach them how to manage stress in healthy ways so they can eliminate it or be able to navigate through it easily my mum made my issues feel so invalid made me feel like [ __ ] I ended up bottling [ __ ] up they wondered why now and then I'd have these big emotional outbursts and eventually became depressed that didn't get taken seriously initially when I opened up about it cause of that I waited and suffered for six months for an upcoming appointment for something else with my mum to tell the doctor out of the blue cause of the way she reacted to it if I have kids I don't want to make them feel the way my parents made me feel ever came here to say this I'm 26 and still struggle massively with guilt when I feel stressed because I shouldn't tell because other people have it worse as my parents love to say okay maybe it shouldn't cause stress but it does recognizing that it is causing stress of dealing with the impacts that hasn't trying to mitigate and reduce the stress is important even just a bit of empathy when it clearly is something that shouldn't be stressed over is important how else do you learn to deal with it as an adult I would tell my dad I was stressed out and his response would be what do you have to be stressed about that crying to them will make things worse not better my parents still tell me that only weak people cry not a huge crier but it does mess up your ability to process emotions this was what my father used to say we're not even talking anymore saying my parents keep telling me crying is bad and unhealthy it has greatly affected my emotional control in a negative way my parents also told only the weak cry - never question Authority your elders that's the worst one for me if a person isn't curious and doesn't think by themselves about reality they are only a shell of a human and will never fully live their own life and it's a tough thing to learn later in life in my experience it's often types of very oppressive religious upbringing I stopped having a relationship with my family because every little conversation became a year too young to understand clean your plate as a registered dietitian I can say that this is hands-down the worst thing you can do to your kids eating habits it destroys their internal hunger and satiety - later in life agreed I think it comes from the Depression era when there wasn't enough food to go around and food was hard to get because everyone was so poor back then we didn't have the nutrition programs to give food to children of poor families that we have now so it was either eat what was given to you or don't eat at all there was no choice you still shouldn't say clean your plate even my parents agree on this one children have different appetite levels and it may not be the same for all children and it may not be consistent one day they may be more hungry than the next and want more food the next day maybe less also you shouldn't make them eat things they don't like it's not good for them you can encourage them to try different foods but if they try it and do not like it then it should not be forced one of my family members did this to their kid in the end result was the child gagging and choking on food because they did not like peace but the parents thought they should be forced to eat them this isn't a very nice thing to just because a child doesn't like a food you can't force children to eat what they don't like please don't do this my grandmother would plug my nose so I couldn't breathe so then when I opened my mouth to breath she would shout food in my mouth it happened upwards of me being around six or seven also was told to not complain because it wasn't abuse and my grandparents didn't have to take me in then when I turned thirteen they would take dinner away from me I have suffered with being underweight for a long time and was yelled for being too skinny I know I have lots of oppressed memories from all the abuse I suffered I did reach out for help but no one believes me because my grandmother is a respected part of the community and she wonders why I have depression that anxiety and depression are not real health problems oh yeah I've dealt with that one too always blaming my sadness on stupid things like my phone why do you have an attitude yes me2 when I was in a bad mood it was always because of those damn video games like are you serious I'm big you're small I'm right you're wrong edit wow this blew up I never watched Matilda this was a smash care expansion reference Matilda lol bless Danny DeVito you're wormwood it's time you started acting like one that my emotions are their fault growing up my mom would get frustrated with me and then lash out she would then say something like I yelled because you're making me so angry no was just a kid doing kid [ __ ] you yelled because you're not in control of your emotions I've caught my mom doing this [ __ ] with my daughter and I call her out on it you can't put that [ __ ] on a kid I let my daughter know that what she did may have been unkind or need correcting but she is not responsible for the emotions of the adults around her my mom did that kind of thing too she would be a complete B CH because something was going on with her or if we did something when she was in that mood that wouldn't have pissed her off another time she would be a B CH it was so confusing and scary as a kid it didn't make any arcing sense once I grew up and realized she did this I saw the same patterns with myself I'm sorry you went through that my mom is exactly like this it's like walking on eggshells around her because I never know what her mood isn't just being in the same room with her fills me with so much anxiety I do the best I can to not disappoint her and it never feels like enough I hate having to live with her she makes everyone in my family so much more miserable and I can't stand it my kid is only barely older than one and I'm watching this kind of behavior developing my wife I'm hoping it's just the stress of having a one-year-old and a full-time job but I don't really see how it's going to be any less stressful as he gets older she's a good mom though I don't know how I'll handle it with her if it escalates but I know I'll always be there for him the whole believe this because I say so hoax same and now I'm stuck with kids who won't stop asking goddamn questions until I lose it proud and annoyed lol I guess it's good for them to be curious a curious child turns out to be a creative man or woman and a critical thinking person good job whenever I ask my mum a silly question like why can't I have sleepovers anymore he says because I can't sleep and worry about you when you're sleeping under someone's else's roof me but there are relatives why can't I have a sleepover with them but they come over because I said so my mind it's because you would hate it if I slept somewhere else where I'm not your servant 24/7 that you have to give granny grandpa uncle pervert to kiss goodbye no no you uh condoned it's your body you get to decide who you hug kiss etc you're not allowed to be rude so you have to say hello goodbye but you don't have to hug or kiss anyone you don't want it not even granny not even if she really wants a kiss and she'll be disappointed if you don't kiss her used to hate that [ __ ] didn't mind hogs but not the kisses some people do some whit behind kisses no disrespect to my granddad but he used to do multiple quick kisses on my neck I knew them as vampire kisses although he didn't bite thang it's just work no it teaches kids the opposite of bodily autonomy it teaches kids that they have no say in what adults do to them to show affection if a kid can't say no to a goodbye kiss from granny without getting into trouble then they'll think they can't say no to creepy uncle touching them in places that make them feel very uncomfortable after all uncle will be upset if you don't let him just like mum said granny will be upset if you don't kiss her really really pisses me off I was always a tomboy growing up but my mom and grandma were very persistent on trying to raise me based off of crazy asian beauty standards and being a proper girl wouldn't let me play outside because they didn't want me to be dark always forcing me to wear clothes I wasn't comfortable in making sure I didn't play with my male cousins games or toys even though I hated playing with dolls I honestly think they were afraid I might be lesbian or on Desson rebel to men 30 plus years later they complained that I'm old and worried I'm not married with kids it's because they left me with extreme low self-esteem and self-confidence which led me to make horrible choices and relationships that teachers are always right pay my 10th grade biology teacher didn't know that nerve cells could reproduce this was in 2002 spoiler alert they can we've known that for a while now edit new spoiler all cells can reproduce that's what allows babies to become adults had a health teacher in high school teach our class about blue blood then I got in trouble for explaining why that wasn't factual my second grade teacher was straight out of a book she had undiagnosed OCD it was quite obvious and never gave any of us the benefit of the doubt oddly enough she also couldn't spell thimble always cry if you need to I spent most of my childhood getting yelled at to stop crying and it really axe you up you grow up internalizing negative emotions and even blow them off which of course doesn't help also to never be scared to approach me with anything you're concerned about I'm 25 but I still have to lie and keep secrets from my dad cause he would blow TF up or shut me up if I vented to him about anything that dealt with relationships my mental health or health related matters tampon usage birth control G no appointment CTC yep I completely agree I'm 25 and I honestly don't remember the last time I cried it was at least a decade ago my dad was always big on the stop crying or all and give you something to cry about but it's not just him where I'm from in England we're taught that men don't cry and unfortunately it's the same in a lot of the world now I just can't I've been depressed I've been upset I've been to the funeral of a man I'd grown up with in nothing so yet I wouldn't do this to my kids join our community discord link in description your father is always right even if he is wrong you must still obey Him because he is your father I always make sure to tell the kids I've been wrong before it was a Tuesday the most important thing I'll teach my children is to be good but don't be nice I've been a doormat my whole life just because nobody ever taught me the difference between being a decent person and a dolmens I'm 30 plus and I'm still working on this part of my personality I don't want my children to go through this ever I feel this you get pulled into a false sense of being a nice person when rarely you just let people treat you however they want and apologize to them for it it's the ucking worst to be ashamed when I make a mistake ultra-conservative religious Mother she's gotten better thankfully nothing more crippling and counterproductive and shame and self-loathing Jesus that's a bad one insults and insults if they come from your family my parents did this all over time I will get mad and then told I'm too sensitive that growing up was something to fear and dread there was a lot of enjoy your chocolate now because when you're an adult you can't eat it enjoy watching TV now because when you're not out you have to clean all the time do you ever see me relaxing I wish I was back at school with my friends all day instead of working a job I hate you just wait you will hate your job too when you become an adult there's no nice clothes just work clothes and home clothes adults don't have hobbies so enjoy it while you can now as an adult I see that these were all choices I can eat whatever I like I do not have to clean all day I do not live in a show home I have had jobs that I didn't like I made the choice to job hunt and find something else I can choose to buy clothes I like and wear for to work and at home it's my choice to pursue my interests or not I'm often in awe of how easy adulthood is not because it is but because it was always presented to me as this mountain of misery and I've chosen to eat the chocolate and play my cello instead childhood was way worse you can't change your family you can't change your school or place that you live in its hell for some kids school is hell too when you grow up you can get a job if you hate it you can look for another job it may not be easy to do this but the option is always there you almost can never change schools at least here because of zoning restrictions and other things you are limited to one school better make it work for you somehow few parents want to homeschool their kids but you always at least have the option of changing jobs if a boy is mean to you he likes you worst lesson ever most of the time boys are mean to people just to have fun and it's easy to tell when that's the case but they are also mean to be mean if saying they don't like someone I would know I am a boy and I'm basically the stereotype playing video games has a dog has a small friend group messy roof I have Lego toy weapons and all that stuff to be afraid of money I spent so much of my childhood walking on eggshells because of my mom's constant anxiety over money if I ever asked for anything she look at me like I was about to put her into financial ruin my mom flipped out when I spent half my money $80 on fireworks I told her that it was my money and I've got four savings account anyway she acted as if I had spent her money to be overly critical of my own body my mom is otherwise wonderful but very insecure about her weight she's not overweight at all I often got comments like those Jean look cute but don't gain 5 lbs and lectures about how I can't go out around other people without makeup because what will people think but it's unfortunate because she genuinely believes people are judging her that much she apologizes every time we video chat if she hasn't put on makeup yet the defending yourself in an argument is bad bad financial habits which I've broken thankfully my parents were unconditionally supportive everything I did was the best and perfect and I was a genius I will be giving my daughter constructive criticism because that is how we get better at things and my life was the exact opposite so I'll meet you in the middle standing over here totally not shipping my mother taught me that yelling screaming and throwing tantrums on your children is good parenting any person of color is of lower status class grades are everything yep never teaching my kids that if I have any have kids wait a minute I loved catching bugs when I was a kid my father told me that dragonflies use their tails to sew people's lips and eyes shut my kids don't need to learn bad luck why do adults think it's so funny to say stuff like that to kids I remember when I was around four years old I was at a vending machine and some old guy came up to me and told me there was a snapping turtle in the vending machine I was terrified and I remember him laughing at me and walking away I'm almost 30 and I still remember that clearly kind of sad my dad is a pretty great guy but he always taught us to only vote conservative that certainly wasn't a great way to foster much meaningful thought about politics my mom only vilified conservatives she taught us they were bad people that's the problem with politics in the u.s. it feels like every Democrats thinks every Republican lacks empathy while every Republican thinks every Democrat lacks logic it's gotten so bad to a point where it feels like there's no room for civil discourse to be clear I am Canadian the Conservative Party was who my dad encouraged voting for the US may be the most flight and example of dividing politics but it exists pretty well everywhere don't have kids I love me a good paradox children will ruin your life my dad said to me when I was a team instead of telling them to get a real job that makes actual money allow them to follow their talents and passion in the first place whatever it may be I also wouldn't want to judge them on their looks when my beard grew out for the first time it almost felt like I was being Harris to shave it off so I ended up doing it for the longest time then when my mom got a haircut she expected me to say it looks nice which felt super frustrating thanks for watching subscribe for three videos a day [Music]

Channel: Ask Planet

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Id: jZE4TkXOQoY

Length: 25min 27sec (1527 seconds)

Published: Tue Jun 23 2020