-I wish someone bullied me into
not wearing this hat. [ Laughter ] Can you imagine
that that T-shirt was the second stupidest thing
I was wearing that day. [ Laughter ] ♪♪ -And this year,
47 million people will travel home
for Thanksgiving. Here with his thoughts
on going home for the holiday is Pete Davidson. -Hey, hello. Hey, Colin. What up?
-Hello, Pete. Now, you and I are both
from Staten Island. -Yes. -And do you plan on going home
for Thanksgiving? -No, I don't. It's not that I don't love
my family. I do. But at this point,
Thanksgiving dinner is just a bunch of old people
asking me what Kate McKinnon is like,
and I honestly don't know. She never talks to me,
so... Plus, I feel like my hometown
doesn't really like me. -Well, why wouldn't
they like you? Everyone there is so nice. -Well, of course you'd say that. You're like the most popular
person from there. This is how they write about
Colin in our hometown newspaper, the Staten Island Advance. "Colin Jost tees up. It's about three weeks
till election, but you could never tell
by Colin Jost's swing." And here's how they write
about me. This is a review of a "Weekend Update"
appearance I did. "The best part about
this one was his interaction
with Colin Jost. [ Laughter ] No, seriously, it's crazy. Like, look at the picture
they use of you, right. Now look at the picture
they use of me. [ Laughter ] -Well, why do you think
they don't like you, Pete? -I have no idea. I mean,
if I had to guess... it's maybe something I said
in an interview once, that I wished that when
Hurricane Sandy hit Staten Island, it had finished the job. [ Laughter ] -Yeah, I remember that.
I remember that. -No, maybe I did cross a line,
but, like, when a reporter from
Staten Island wrote about it in the New York Post,
here's what he said. "Keep talking like that and you'll be sleeping
with the fishes." That's a death threat.
In a newspaper. Who does that? What are you, the Zodiac? And then he said, "Try taking a cue
from your fellow SNL cast member Colin Jost. He's also way better looking
than you." -Well, I could see how
what you said might make you more
unpopular. -Well, it was just a joke. A serious joke. You know like when you're joking
but you mean it? [ Laughter ] But I don't even
feel that way anymore. I'd be just as happy
if there were no hurricane and Staten Island
just fell into the sea. [ Laughter ] No, no, seriously, no.
If Staten Island -- [ Laughter ] -No, if Staten Island
is so desirable, then why is it free
to get there? [ Laughter ] -No, don't get me wrong.
Don't get me wrong. I know Staten Island
isn't all heroine and racist cops, you know? It also has meth
and racist fire fighters. [ Laughter ] -I just want to say,
what you're describing is not the Staten Island
I know, Pete. -Well, 'cause they love you,
you know, like, because you represent
what they could be. You know,
a kid who got out. He went to Harvard and now,
apparently, according to People magazine, is the world's sexiest
joke writer. [ Cheers ] And, look, the reason
Staten Island hates me is 'cause I represent
what they are. You know, a mentally ill
community college dropout who got a "Game of Thrones"
tattoo before watching the show. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] Direwolves look dope. I don't need to know
what's going on. But, no, hey, congrats on that
sexiest thing, by the way. -Whoo!
-Alright, relax, okay? Come on, relax.
Let's be honest. The sexiest joke writer
is a really specific category. Yeah, it's like being
the world's smartest horse. [ Laughter ] -So I take it you're not going
home for Thanksgiving. -No, I am. -Okay.
Pete Davidson, everyone! "Weekend Updates."
I'm Colin Jost. I'm Michael Che.
Goodnight! [ Cheers and applause ] -And now, here to talk
about how he spent his summer is Pete Davidson. [ Cheers and applause ] -Hello.
-Hi, Pete. -Hi, Colin. -So, my summer, yeah. Do we need to explain or
could I just, like, get into it? -Yeah, I think we could
just get into it. You got engaged
to Ariana Grande. -Yeah, I did. Yeah. Thank you.
I did. I got engaged. No one could believe it,
and I can't believe it. And, yeah, I get it. She's the number-one pop star
in the world, and I'm that guy from "SNL"
that everyone thinks is in desperate need
of more blood. [ Laughter ] -Well, congratulations. I know it's been
kind of crazy. -Yeah. Do you remember
when that whole city pretended that kid was Batman
'cause he was, like, sick? That's what this feels like. [ Laughter ] -And have you been enjoying
all of the attention? -I hate it. It's awful. I'm so scared.
Yo, I got death threats. Yeah. Yeah. It's Malcolm X,
Martin Luther King, and Pete Davidson
are all people who have gotten death threats. And I, like, assumed, like,
I would find out about it like how they do in movies, like the government's
in your living room with, like, headsets and there's detectives
in suits and they're like, "Sir, we have a situation." That's not how I found out. I was leaving my building
and my doorman said, "Yo, man.
Somebody tryna kill you." [ Laughter ] -Now, if you don't mind me
asking, can I ask, what's the prenup situation? -Well, obviously,
I wanted one, you know, so God forbid we split up
and she takes half my sneakers. [ Laughter ] No, look,
I'm totally comfortable being with a successful woman.
I think it's dope. I live at her place,
you know? She pays like 60 grand
for rent, and all I have to do is, like,
stock the fridge... And, yeah. [ Laughter ] -Well, the man doesn't
always have to be the bread winner
in a relationship. -God damn right, Colin! He does not. Yeah, last night I switched
her birth control with Tic Tacs. -Oh. -No, I believe in us and all,
but, you know, I just want to, like,
make sure that she can't go anywhere. -Well, she put a song
on her new album, and it was called
"Pete Davidson." That seems like a very amazing
thing to do. -Sick.
-Yeah. And, like, what have you done
for her? -Uh... I mentioned the fridge thing,
right? I also love her very much. -That's great. -You know I don't even
get royalties for that Pete Davidson song? You know that? Like, if we break up,
and we won't -- we will -- but we won't...
No, I'm kidding. But, like, in 10 years, if
God forbid that ever happened, there will be a song
called Pete Davidson, like, playing in speakers at KMart, and I'll be working there. -Pete Davidson, everyone! -Yeah, Lil Pump trashed
my dressing room. -"Weekend Update."
I'm Colin Jost. -I'm Michael Che.
Goodnight! [ Cheers and applause ] -Last week, Kanye West performed
on the show, and afterwards, he gave an unplanned speech
to the audience in support of Donald Trump. Here with his reaction to
Kanye's speech is Pete Davidson. [ Cheers and applause ] -Hi, Colin. First off, a lot of people
thought Che should be the one to talk about Kanye,
but we discussed it, you know, 'cause Che's black, but,
like, I'm crazy, and we both know
which side of Kanye is at the wheel right now. [ Laughter ] -Fair. Yeah. -So, off to a good start. So, speaking strictly
for myself, what Kanye said after
he went off the air last week was one of the worst, like,
most awkward things I've ever seen here, and I've seen Chevy Chase
speak to an intern. [ Laughter ] And we all had to
stand behind him. And here's what it looked like.
So, like... -And that inspires me. -I'm, like, on the left.
I'm like, "Oh, God." And then I'm like,
"I want a career," so I leave. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] Necessary. So, Kanye was wearing
a MAGA hat. That's what it's called.
It's stupid. Yeah, and he started
by saying people backstage tried to bully him
into not wearing it. He wore it all week. Like, nobody told him
not to wear it. Like, I wish I bullied you. I wish I would have suggested
that, you know, it might upset some people
like you wife or every black person ever,
you know? -I wish someone bullied me
into not wearing this hat. [ Laughter ] Can you imagine
that that T-shirt was the second stupidest thing
I was wearing that day. [ Laughter ] Then Kanye said that Democrats
broke up black families with welfare
and that slavery's not real. You know how wrong
about politics you have to be for, like, me to notice? You know how annoying
that is? Like, Kanye is a genius,
but like a musical genius. You know, like Joey Chestnut
is a hot dog-eating genius. You know, but I don't want to
hear Joey Chestnut's opinion about things that aren't
hot dog related. -That's very good.
Yes, I agree. -Thank you. [ Cheers and applause ] Oh, thanks, guys. But, like, Kanye,
I know you're like, "Yo, this is the real me.
I'm off the meds." Take 'em. [ Laughter ] There's no shame
in the medicine game. I'm on 'em. It's great. Take 'em. There's nothing wrong
with taking them. If I ever got on a plane
and a pilot said, "I just want all of you to know
this is the real me flying"... [ Laughter ] I'd jump out. Being mentally ill is not
an excuse to act like a jackass. [ Cheers and applause ] And I'm quoting my therapist,
my mom, and my mailman. Sorry, Carl. But, no, seriously,
one time, I stopped taking my meds
and I bit my mom. No, it's all good.
I bought her a house. [ Laughter ] -Alright, so is there anything
Kanye can do to win you back? -Yeah. There is. And I'll tell you in a way
that Kanye understands. I made this. "Make Kanye 2006 Again." [ Cheers and applause ] -Pete Davidson, everyone! -And drop that album.
Where's that album? -"Weekend Update."
I'm Colin Jost. -I'm Michael Che.
Where's that album?! Drop the album! [ Cheers and applause ] -We're so happy to have
this next guy back. Here to talk about a very
important experience he had over the holidays
is Pete Davidson. [ Cheers and applause ] Hi, Pete. -Oh, hi. -How are you, Pete? -I'm great. As you know,
I've had a really crazy month, and I want to talk about
something that matters a lot to me.
-Okay, mental health? -No. The new Clint Eastwood
movie "The Mule." [ Laughter ] -You want to talk about
"The Mule"? -Colin, yo,
it's unbelievable. Have you guys not seen it? -No.
-No, I have not. -Morons. Listen, yo. So, I'm glad. I brought someone
who saw "The Mule" with me. It means a lot to us. Comedian and "Mule" appreciator,
John Mulaney, everybody! [ Cheers and applause ] -Hi. Michael, Colin, hi. So, you guys are talking
about "The Mule"? -No, basically never, no. I didn't actually realize
that you guys hung out together. -Yeah, we do, but a lot
of times, it looks like
I'm Pete's lawyer. -Yeah, people usually think
he's like an MBA coach and I'm like
the controversial rookie. -But for real, I've been
spending time with Pete to try to show him that you can have a life
in comedy that is not insane. A sober, domestic life. -Yeah, and after observing
John's life, I publicly threatened suicide. [ Laughter ] I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't
make that joke. But it is funny. -Pete, look at me.
Look me in the eye. You are loved by many.
-Oh, thank you, John. -And we are glad you are okay.
-Okay. -Now, back to "The Mule."
-Seriously. -We went to see "The Mule"
on opening day. -We didn't go in with, like,
any expectations. -And this movie was,
I dare say -- -Yeah, say it. -...the greatest...
-Weirdest. -...most bananas movie
ever made. -About a 90-year-old
drug mule. -You remember
when Clint Eastwood berated an empty chair at the
Republican National Convention? -It's like if that
was a movie. -So, in "The Mule" --
-"The Mule"! -..."The Mule," Clint stars as
Earl, a wildly popular botanist. -Flower man.
-Yeah. -Who, after falling
on hard times, is hired as a drug mule... -At age 90!
-90. ...by a Mexican drug cartel. -Run by Andy Garcia! -Who was rude to me
at a Laker game once. -I remember that. This is true. -Yeah, and when we say
he's a mule, he drives drugs
across state lines. You know, I was hoping I would
get to see Clint Eastwood, like, you know, shove kind of
drugs up his ass, you know, which is like what
real drug mules do. -And what Pete did
on our way to Denver. -Yes, 'cause I forgot
it was legal. -I was just proud of you
for using a condom for once. -Yeah. [ Laughter ] Anyway, plowing through,
as they say. Clint Eastwood drives
hundreds of kilos of drugs across the United States. -And that's not
the weird part. -The weird part is that
he is 90 and he is driving. -He is 90. When my grandma turned 90,
we bribed the DMV to flunk her on her driving test
and they did it. -Yeah. Why aren't you guys
freaking out?! He's old! Okay, there's a scene where he's
driving with, like, no hands, and he's, like, unwrapping
an ice cream sandwich. He's, like, singing jazz
and stuff. It's insane. -That's when we realized
this was a super hero movie for old people
about a guy whose superpower is that he can drive
unsupervised. -Yeah, and he's, like,
so good that the head of a drug cartel
played by Andy Garcia -- -Who was rude to me
at a Laker game once. -Yes, I remember that. It's true. He throws the mule a party for
being their best driver ever. -Fulfilling another elderly
grandpa fantasy that a 90-year-old white man
can do any job better than a Mexican,
even when the job is Mexican drug trafficking. -Oh, we also forgot to mention,
90-year-old Clint Eastwood has two threesomes
in this movie. -And he directed it.
-Two! [ Laughter ] Two! I don't think you guys
understand. I've had one. I guess you
probably have none, right? -You are correct, sir. But according to "The Mule," I have a solid 54 years
before that window closes. So look out in 2072
for my wish-fulfillment movie, "The Mule-aney." [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] In that movie, I am 90
and I have 3-ways and Andy Garcia will move
his legs so I can get to my seat.
-Yeah. -Pete Davidson and John Mulaney,
everyone. -I didn't mention it once! -"Weekend Update."
I'm Colin Jost. I'm Michael Che.
Goodnight. [ Cheers and applause ] -There's a lot of controversy
surrounding recent documentaries about R. Kelly
and Michael Jackson. Here with some thoughts
is Pete Davidson. [ Cheers and applause ] -Hello. -What's up, Pete?
-How you doing, man? Hey, Colin. So, have you guys
seen the R. Kelly documentary? -Yeah, Pete, I did. -Okay, now, before I continue,
like, this guy is a monster and
he should go to jail forever, but if you support
the Catholic church, isn't that, like, the same thing
as being an R. Kelly fan? [ Crowd "Ooh"s ] No, I don't really see
the difference. Only, like, one's music
is significantly better. [ Laughter ] No, 'cause the other day,
my mom was like, "I'm going to mass,"
and I was like, "Okay, I'm gonna go listen
to the 'Ignition' remix." Look, I'm not saying
it's an easy decision. Like, I'm just saying,
you don't know how good someone's music really is
until you find out they're a pedophile. And the reason everybody's
so upset is 'cause R. Kelly and Michael Jackson
made great music, you know? If I found out Macklemore
did some weird stuff, I'd be happy to free up the
space on my iPhone, you know? It just, like,
depends who did it. You know, like... And I understand people
who say, like, "How could you listen to that
music after what he did?" Headphones?
I don't know. [ Laughter ] Look, believe me, look, once
we start doing our research, we're not gonna have
much left, you know? Because it seems like all
really talented people are sick. Don't worry, Colin.
Me and you are good. -Okay, yeah.
Thank you, yeah. -Not Che though.
Che is a genius. -Genius.
-Wait, what? [ Laughter ] -Look, I don't know what it is
with talented people. You know Charlie Chaplin was
like the first movie star ever and he married a 15-year-old,
and he couldn't even talk. [ Laughter ] -Well, he could talk
in real life -- -No, he couldn't.
I saw all the footage. He didn't talk once. [ Laughter ] That's why he's
a silent film star, Colin. -Thank you. -So, with guys
like R. Kelly, the rule should be if you want
to listen to their music, you just have to admit
that they're bad people. You know? -Is it that hard to just stop
listening to them all entirely? -Well, you don't listen
to R. Kelly, you know? But what if you found out
the inventor of like hair gel got caught jerking it
on a train? You know? You can't use
hair gel anymore? -That's a good point, actually.
-Yeah. All I'm saying is, like,
pretending these people never existed is maybe
not the solution. You know, the rule
should be, like, you could appreciate their work, but only if you admit
what they did, you know? You could buy a Mustang,
but you have to say, "Henry Ford hated the Jews,"
as you buckle in, you know? The full sentence should be, "Mark Wahlberg beat up
an old Asian dude, and I would like one ticket
to "Daddy's Home 3, please." [ Laughter ] Because if it's that
important to you, at least own it, you know? Like, I don't need to ever see
a Kevin Spacey movie again, but if the CEO of Swisher Sweets
turns out to be a cannibal, I can't just change
my whole life, okay? So, here's my plan,
and hopefully you guys like it. Any time any of us listen
to a song or watch a movie made by an accused
serial predator, you have to give a dollar
to charity that helps sexual assault survivors. I've already donated $142, and that's just from
the "Ignition" remix alone. [ Laughter ] -That is really nice, Pete. And is there anything else
you want to talk about? Just anything else going on? -No, I don't think so.
-Uh-huh. Not like a new girlfriend
situation at all, Pete? -Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Apparently, people have
a crazy fascination with our age difference. But it doesn't really bother us,
but then again, I'm new to this, so if you have questions
about a relationship with a big age difference, just ask Leonardo DiCaprio,
Jason Statham, Michael Douglas, Richard Gere, Jeff Goldblum,
Scott Disick, Dane Cook, Derek Jeter, Bruce Willis,
Harrison Ford, Tommy Lee, Alec Baldwin, Sean Penn, and whoever the president
of France is, Mel Gibson, Billy Joel,
Mick Jagger, Sylvester Stallone, Eddie Murphy, Kelsey Grammer, Larry King, Larry King,
Larry King, Rod Stewart,
and Donald Trump. -Pete Davidson, everyone. -You're going down, Che.
You're going down! -I don't even know
what I did. ♪♪
