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[Music] you will have a new nephew born about 937 pounds 12 ounces baby mom and dad doing great to be named tomorrow tomorrow is a really stupid name for a baby stop ruining the moment delay in improv class we had to come up with a kind of neutral statement for someone to respond to and one of the guys said to me hey did you hear they've stopped making socks and I just lost it that [ __ ] is so funny why would they just stop making socks I wanna explore that world replica of Titanic we'll set sail in 2022 iceberg bold of you to assume there will be icebergs by 2022 traffic lights in a fall on the next season of stranger things I heard a cardboard noise and turned around to find this fashion I want to be a reverse tooth fairy where I rob people and then scatter human teeth on their bed a dentist I don't know what your dentist is doing to you but I think you need to go to the police do you ever just get a vibe that someone has a crush on you and then you're not sure if they actually do or if you're just really really self-absorbed shirts are crazy your body goes in one hole and out three excuse me as a procrastinating overachiever I feel like I don't necessarily half-assed things it's more like a 3/4 ass like overall did I do pretty well yeah did I reach my maximum potential though I think the [ __ ] not the bonds named James name please - what Bond names the James are you alright Bane's norms having a strong caller Banga Lance this shouldn't have made me laugh so hard but I almost cried appreciation posts for these random fishermen in Burma who keeps perfectly convey the exact emotion you feel when two people you know well but don't know well get into a family argument in front of you smells like my Lysander is ready I was in the middle of being kinda upset but this made me laugh really hard out of the whole book I'd rather be Malfoy than anyone else because I get to be a baddie I take great pleasure in terrifying children from all around the world I love him more than I can say why is it so easy to stay awake until 6:00 a.m. but so hard to wake up at 6:00 a.m. things in motion tend to stay in motion while things are best tend to stay at rest physics physics physics physics physics physics physics physics physics physics physics physics physics physics physics me I've been awake for 36 hours please let me sleep my brain mr. Sandman - and make it the cutest man card or hook hand 180 thousand dollar Aston Martin killed by $200 pink car ascetic class war steward sample attacking an escape or woman shocked to find her chicken snuck into her house and was riding around on a Roomba let him Roomba quarter puppy so I was writing a small paper in Microsoft Word in the program suddenly crashed I saved a couple minutes before thank God and I get this message in the corner of my screen two seconds afterward Microsoft Word is now playing the elderscrolls v Skyrim what the [ __ ] a whole new level of procrastination where your paper itself is procrastinating brn she looks like an older crane Ian woman who lost her son Dimitri in the war and now sits by the side of a weary road less traveled selling potatoes for a very modest price which is better a dog with a backpack or a dog in a backpack clearly a big dog with a backpack containing a smaller dog true national news first comes the cat why do we never talk about the fact that for the past 15 years in a small town in Alaska the mayor has been a count their stuffs he doesn't raise our taxes we have no sales tax he doesn't interfere with business said law read stag he's honest and he only drinks water from a wine glass a town decided that a cat would be a better me than people he's good probably the best we've had I really hate coming out but still want my extended family to know so my mother took it upon herself to invent the game guess which one of my kids is gay the rules are simple sit down with uncle so-and-so he says something about gay people in passing my mom says there's a gay person at this table right now guess which of my kids it is he looks frantically between the three of us trying to figure out if she's joking or not and trying desperately not to offend anyone but also she won't continue with the conversation unless he makes a guess so he has to make a guess we all enjoy his discomfort immensely when you pull your headphones out of your pocket and out comes your keys money tampons and Russia okay I've had so many people asking me why a boy would have tampons in my pocket but not a single person asking me why a boy would have the actual nation of Russia in my pocket everyone knows that Putin made a travel sized Russian Russian accent are yes I make perfect country to put in your pocket you'll never just in the mood to mutilator jpg I got one of the best pictures I ever made out of that urge hots the cha-cha slide in full metal armor slide to the left indescribable of screeching of metal against asphalt one hop this time plug two hops this time clonk clonk everybody clap your hands Clank Clank Clank Clank Clank musical instruments fire extinguisher wait a minute jazz for your soul this makes so much more sense now why didn't this mean come with the translators note T Eyal Albert Einstein was a fan of the children's puppet show time for beanie on one occasion the physicist interrupted a high-level conference by announcing you will have to excuse me gentlemen it's time for beanie beanie time mute vampire with gloves tintype on silver 1864 artist unknown and possibly consumed this is the greatest [ __ ] caption I've ever seen it only takes three generations for you to be basically forgotten tell that to my great-great uncle who is the reason that it's illegal to drive a tractor while drunk in the state of Kansas umbrage boys and girls are not permitted to be within eight inches of each other gay was of laughter me walking my cat I'm going to run in front of you I'm going to sprint in front of you so fast mid-step and you are going to punt me into the Sun me okay sir yes sir sorts lmao Nate I literally read this ass me okay sir yes sir my cat laminate Punjab candidate cries after getting only five votes says there are nine members in his own family brain cow you play too much videogames also mom who plays candy crush there has got to be a better way to display children's clothes 20,000 flies tied two strings pull my lifeless body into the sky you would not believe your eyes if 20,000 tethered flies hoisted my corpse into the sky when someone is explaining something to you and you get hit with the realization that you haven't retained anything that has been said to you and the moment they stop talking you won't be able to recall any part of it you look fat today yeah I'm sad everyday I just didn't have the energy to hide it today every post on reddit is like my wife left me so I spend one hundred thousand on a new man cave and there's always a storm trooper of some kind in the room I've seen this happen so often onra did that now I associate storm troopers of the entire Star Wars universe with divorce may divorce be with you just found out blues can dive as deep as 20 feet six meters for aquatic vegetation can you imagine like being a diver and you're 20 feet underwater it's murky and you run into a moose a moose this is by the way one of the reasons that a regular predator of the Moose is the Orca well so someone stole my credit card and spent four hundred and seventy six dollars at McDonald's in a single transaction just saw this on my Facebook me oh I'm dying I feel so sick and weak eats food and drinks water oh I'm fine and I have powers now there's a new girl at our school and she's been here for five days and she's already dated two guys what is her secret I love how instead of slut-shaming her you legitimately impressed and slightly envious this [ __ ] playing Fire Emblem in the club lmao she has her priorities straight Anakin when Palpatine tells him to kill Dooku that's outrageous done do it so tell me Megan what are ye planning on going out in area 51 when you eat grass from your neighbor's lawn for a living professional brontosaurus mymusictaste my personality me on the outside inside my earphones cute Japanese girls singing in the background infinity train more like therapy train everybody's traumatized [ __ ] let's get you some therapy when you got to reject another potential lover because you're still emotionally unstable anxiety depression and heartbreak me blasting pop-punk your sadness me doing my best to make you smile one meme at a time do not drink alcohol with this medication me gamer's again seriously boomers the dumb parent Trump Fox News boy what's a palindrome teacher racecar ten years later boy bursting out of bank in ski mask where's the palindrome getaway driver sitting in kayak statistics say that one out of three people in a relationship is unfaithful I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend Annabelle I keep having this weird dream where a giant disembodied hand keeps poking me with a stylus some of y'all were raised by parents who are abusive homophobic racist and crooked but you were in pathetic paid attention figured it out broke the cycle cultivated goodness in your lives and it shows hey I like your personality Thanks it's a disorder Facebook is more detrimental to mental health than video games forty-year-old Facebook mom's my brain whenever I find a new thing to fantasize about I've obtained happiness short-lived obsession he dragged the [ __ ] sprinkler in through the doggy door hey what's your fav song baby by Justin Bieber dude that's so old so is your mom but you still listen to her shutting down [Music] supercalifragilistic existential crisis currently listening to summertime sadness while standing in the rain and sunny while my drenched hair covers my face and the raindrops streamed down my face as a german kid i used to wonder why our radio stations like to play the american national anthem so much until a friend explained to me that country roads take me home is not in fact you guys national here graphic design is my passion I emailed this to my graphics art teacher before he quit and sometimes I ponder if this is a reason why he did if you wake up much earlier than normal you feel secret emotions one time I just woke up at 7 a.m. and stared at the sunrise for like an hour don't know what emotions those were but they sure were a lot if you stay up late enough you feel those same emotions but the bad version of them when a stupid [ __ ] asks if there's going to be a swimming pool there's not going to be a swimming pool you stupid [ __ ] pío male mice fed yogurt was shown to have 10 times fat city / luster larger testicles and more swagger we will eachother knee today elapsed is there a quantifiable method of measuring Mouse swag bro if you saw these mouse you'd know sometimes I'm tired of being nice one day your femur will be mine wrong blog wrong guys stop blogging this catch eBay even though the date on the photo literally dates it to two months ago this gives off strong feelings of being in the 90s T il Pizza Hut restaurants in China stopped offering one trip salad bath due to customers creating elaborately engineer salad towers carefully balanced on one plate hi I'm frugal Freddy come on down and buy your brand-new queen-size bed right here at nothing really mattress anyone can sleep pale pee water this is the most pure and underappreciated photo ever Freddy nervously eyes McKellen dela la 1989 like any cat owner he knows they will descend on his meal the moment he takes his eyes off them character flaws are [ __ ] important me when someone tells me to stop eating Mayo packets like their goggle tubes you what did humans invent math or did we discover it does math even exist I already regret making this post because smart people keep messaging me trying to explain math and it's making me nauseous out of the way everyone America's Sweetheart is coming through and tell us lifters with me Ellen always makes me laugh I always imagined peewee birds as the size of kiwi fruit and I was so wrong wait how big are they they're closer to pumpkins warning Beauty Andaluz last seen browsing tumblr properly reading this post whitener description it's you you're the cutie place yourself under arrest immediately you'll never take me alive Japan's population is in rapid decline also Japan could you introduce your wife to us imagine being planted this post was made by feral sunflower gang I know next to nothing about botany but the phrase feral sunflower is hilarious to me reduced a chunky boy reduced everyone who read blog this post with an hour law you woo is under arrest for crimes against humanity crimes against humanity I'm going to break your fingers this mal wattle vessel is only a shell of the how was with him my hands look like this so her hands can look like that work harder damn she need a philip why she only got four fingers allow me to explain the anatomy of a cat's paw smash beans little paws little poodles smoosh bean good leaders fluff stuff a pink little chubby bubbles as a biologist I can attest for the accuracy of this he said a a his fortnight actually overrated Plato Aristotle and Socrates we getting some Irish dick oh please don't stop them I yell at that do yamp what yellow Aggie far went harder what yellow ik that she a little salute me up yet then what was that at me up I then mute I actually want to kill myself a sinkhole roughly the size of six to seven washing machines has closed the northbound lanes of State Line Road near 100 Street in Kansas City Missouri Americans will measure with anything but the metric system September 1st 1939 colorized Hitler playing his first video games that caused him to be violent and start World War two I bet it was minecraft me looking for my house in Minecraft because our hostage yo let's stop the drama instead let's laugh at this picture of fenice looking straight forward how many potatoes does it take to kill a million Irish from 1845 to 1849 how many non cow none liberate a booty flake why does this lizard look like he's about to make me an offer I can't refuse what happens when you freeze the ocean pouring liquid nitrogen in the ocean to stop global warming yeah this is big brain time I was eating a mango and the pig was so hairy so I gave it a habit shampooed and conditioned it and blow-dried it so what I'm hearing is you're unemployed whenever I feel like I'm an idiot I remember that Peter Parker tried to shoot a weather to water monster and I feel a bit better because not only am I an idiot so is Peter Parker and he turned out pretty great I hate hell on tumblr a username like Lisa 486 is almost certainly a porn blocked while someone named Solid Snake ass cheeks is almost certainly a real person I could be a porn bot if I wanted to pepper pay attention to me I guess she forgot to take him on a walk today if anyone needs me I'll just be over here laughing for the next ten years one of my favorite tropes is when your group of main characters has been split up for questioning and they're all answering the same questions in a neatly spliced montage my favorite trope is when the store is blatantly and hilariously conflict air pods the car is coming air pods look out of God they can't hear us they are airports or take on a scandal nerd vs. jock laughing is a more jock ish activity than fantasy football Lobby people going outside and being physically active requires working as a team with people fantasy football Poindexter's on the computer playing with stats when I was a kid I asked my dad where babies came from and he said something like your mom had a stomachache and she went to the bathroom and then came out with you and I feel like that's his way of calling me a piece of [ __ ] I'm sure this has been asked before but would vampires drink period blood and more importantly with the Klumps just be a bonus for them ever had bubble tea I'm going to hurt all of you I'm going to hit both of you with a heavy rock I'm a teenager I wanna be dangerous I wanna do something crazy I wanna go steal a traffic light rebellion at the mall just past the Microsoft Store there was a life-size 3d cardboard Steve my soul left my body me waiting for my mother in the checkout ah man that guy who painted the Mona Lisa is pretty good anyone know if he does commissions bad news guys Len guess that was his only normal piece and the rest is Sherlock inflation art if you hear weird noises at night make weird noises to assert dominance this is swamp culture oMFG I grew up in a bog and we did this people from states with nice roads may never understand what it's like hitting a pothole so hard that your soul leaves your body for a moment and you feel an obligation to audibly apologize to your car that sounded expensive what are your elected officials doing with all of your tax money embezzling the year is 2022 you and your gang shoot down Amazon delivery drones and sell their contents for a living is this a prompt or a prophesy it's an instruction of course my house is haunted I live here I keep local property values in check gentrification buyers starts throwing chairs around and slamming cabinets closed poltergeists are activists as slightly stable relationship brain ruin it me why brain you gotta okay so this just hit me humidifiers fill the air with water molecules from a source of water so what if someone filled a humidifier with holy water would this essentially cleanse a room of evil either demons aren't radio or demons are afraid because humans keep coming up with $40 solutions to demon problems my refrigerator would legs barrels towards me and grabs me and stuffs me into its vegetable drawer then casually walks away hey is your refrigerator running my refrigerator with legs is standing in the middle of your street gripping a rolling pin are you running mini M&Ms are better than normal ones because they cater to the very specific urge to eat colorful aquarium gravel game theory which Pokemon could I most easily kill with my bare hands current first place mister mine not because mr. mime is particularly weak but because if I ever saw mr. mime in real life I would be filled with the exact power needed to kill him mr. mime nunchucks are illegal in some states but guns are not so if you tie two guns together and create gun chucks it's neither legal or illegal its protein is gun sharks why does Rodina have so many things protein is hoarding problem me is bought 4.5 seconds me I want to learn how to work what I need to build a boat officially starting a rumor that the dudes from Dave & Buster's are the same as a dudes from Barnes & Noble Dave Barnes and Busta Noble why not who [ __ ] cares Dave Benjamin Barnes and Buster Jerry mobile Dave Mike Benjamin Barnes and Buster right Jerry Noble [ __ ] you Stephen King Stephen King well [ __ ] you too kid there's not even 19 billion people on the planet meaning 12 billion people came back from the dead to like that post that's the kind of power Stephen King has reblogging again for the comment who's the burger now hand burger my grandpa who knows nothing about videogames but loves me very much and wants to relate to me are you winning doing nothing because you're depressed being depressed because you do nothing me stupid [ __ ] deuce there's big penises and they're small penises that the best penis of all is a penis friend relax man the final bosses of that strop the final boss a man is on trial for cannibalism a man is on trial for cannibalism he says to the judge well your honor if you truly are what you eat then I'm an innocent man today I was in driver's ed and we had to identify street signs and the teacher said what's this one and we all looked at each other until one guy said roadwork ahead and we all unanimously muttered oh yeah I sure hope it does what if I'm actually really hot and everyone just thinks I'm out of their league we'll talk there was this guy in my school and everyone would talk about how hot he was in class but no one thought they were good enough to talk to him so he stayed single throughout high school this is a possibility there has never been a well-written character that wears an eyepatch I only want one slice me too pizza is very fattening in front that's - no honey not when you eat it like this the body doesn't know how I deal with food coke with Molly they either didn't think this through all they really thought this through do you ever just know the answer to a trivia question and have no idea where the knowledge came from sources do you trust me t il New Yorkers buy ten times more people than sharks do worldwide maybe the real sharks were the New Yorkers we bit along the way the hosted our Airbnb has the most talkative cat that is the host the above is a violet back Starling he looks like a galaxy he fancy not that wheel Jesus the steering wheel this is the funniest thing I've ever seen [Music] see ratings and reviews raid this model to me is an average kid who no one understands mom and dad and Vicki wonder why he has forks for hands I didn't vaccinate my kids in the one who lived turned out fine I choked a husky walks on water in northern Russia the image was taken after heavy rainfall covered the frozen lake the rare phenomenon was captured by the dog's owner Fox Gras nice try science side of tumblr but this dog is clearly Jesus can someone tell me why the [ __ ] the people in my grandparents old folks community dressed up as sperm for Halloween I feel like I'm having a stroke fallopian tubes wimpy what if he's your Oh Mia but you're not as chilly yet that means that you're his Ross aligned and you survived the friggin play if I die my funerals gonna be the biggest [ __ ] party and you're all invited if great the only party I've ever been invited to and he might not even die this is not any less creepy in daylight me when I wake up late groups cousin that they don't like to invite to family reunions a Disneyland on the teacup ride Tony Steve and cello spinning calmly enjoy their ride in peace Peter cherie and Bucky flying past them spinning as fast as they can screaming someone draw this please sir look at my pantaloons sir you also look at my pantaloons me my back hurts I wonder why my sleeping position who's the blacksmith out there molding to the armor to every strong female character more accurately than the bra Furter at Victoria's Secret tis I man dick the titty sniffing better to see showing a game you mastered for many years to someone you care about okay now press space to jump and take your time you got this mama always said life was like a box of chocolates you never know what you're gonna get disappointing my family trauma trust issues suicidal tendencies crippling fear of inadequacy self-hatred losing friends stress depression constant exhaustion debt failure anxiety heartbreak cute girl brushes against my leg red blood cells on my way woody girls depression new hair color Japan source to its highest temperature ever recorded 106 degrees extra doubt girls he's gotta be over 6 foot 8 look like Zac Effron and owner Ferrari guys I'd prefer if she wasn't morbidly fast girls shut up Hitler I'm really tired and was trying to find a picture of a horse with a cat head and I found this [ __ ] painting look at it part me as the sole survivor of the apocalypse commenting last on every YouTube video one day you get an alert that someone liked your comment it was me on a separate account Wheel of Fortune puzzle a cheaper category greeting contestants spans wave $5,000 contestants l-pad Noel this is a horror novel too much water on this planet what are you gonna do about it how the hell did fan a snap with the metal glove on he just did the motion and made the noise by clapping his ass at the same time Mario's wiener just got a little bit harder the US is unreal like girls can't wear shorts to school you can literally lose your job for being gay and unarmed black children are brutally murdered on the regular but old white people are still Mike what a beautiful country I can freely carry a gun for no reason and some of our mountains look like presidents god bless haha ryone Lee got four hours of sleep last night I only got one the pride and superiority you feel from having an unhealthy lifestyle the lovers is a short-term gratification that will lead to long-term detriments name a more iconic duo directs extra-small stop sucking on Satan's USB stick in this good Christian bathroom dualism cool Christian bombs against vaping nudes are so 2070 send me a photo of yourself in full plate Armour wielding battle ready weapons send sword bags that's fact 58 about snow every swear word taps barn with lighter I'd like to make a toast when you're trying to persuade someone you're not a loser and you have some friends this is a friend of mine tree was pinned Black was very white was George Strait was Marvin Gaye sure makes Stevie Wonder go I feel insecure about my body some [ __ ] dude I would [ __ ] you shouldn't that be enough have a great day shark Bieber please urinate with precision and elegance this is my favorite motivational poster its 2019 we showing hull have you ever wondered what a spider wearing a tiny little flip-flops running across the table would sound like probably sounds like my parents on a Sunday night I screamed starfish have melts in the middle of their bodies yes or what mermaids use them as bronze so basically this is what elephants look like when they're wet they just be nashi the whole time [Music] if you flush drugs down the toilet you could be creating negative cops say Arial Arial black you go to your boyfriend's house and find this as his bed WYD marry him it's strexy time tech support explaining to my grandma that her toaster doesn't have a virus under communism we all have to share one toothbrush with this man getting ready for bed let me guess your hand it is not for long oh you think love isn't real huh you think it's just chemicals in your brain and a social construct then explain this [Music] love to planes having kiss 50% where we are halfway there what 1% woah livin on a prayer family evening Shrek 12 my economics textbook sees a bright future ahead 4 year old shares cocaine addict err what a good friend I'm sick of being a person I'm gonna go into the woods and lay down in the dirt and become a geological feature and none of you are powerful enough to stop me you linked is the opposite of unique but it's just as fast the Lord user than the Lord you Inc earth away none of that matters but it's important to me that you know that when you describe details about your characters that you will literally never use again in your story man tells police he stole food truck because he's a dumbass vibes the humbucker electric kazoo a screeching kazoo that plugs into an amplifier this is proof God exists and loves us pineapples except pronounced like mini palace no Ellen realizes the animal is a tiger Ellen Rex is Ellen gonna [ __ ] the tiger [Music] live I would take a bullet for you who Neutron no one minecraft redstone youtubers it's quite simple really if caps knew what sin was they wouldn't even care take me to your leader as the a and version of I'd like to speak to the manager then tell ya something New York is da greatest [ __ ] city in that world my city I was a kid in these streets I started in da [ __ ] gutter and I made it to that song a Ren YC rapid pace you [Laughter] [Music]

Channel: Tumblr Reads

Views: 1,431,800

Rating: 4.891161 out of 5

Keywords: daily memes dose, cowbelly studios, cowbelly, memes

Id: qSH9Vi6zal8

Length: 34min 20sec (2060 seconds)

Published: Sun Aug 25 2019