O Say LESS

[Music] artist Hank Schmid travels to scenic locations only to paint the pattern on his own shirt chaotic neutral honestly being a vampire who is also a goth kid is the best possible cover nobody's gonna think the kid in all black with the number Ella and sunglasses and a shirt that says bike me is actually a vampire they'll just think you're a goth kid pretending to be a vampire I drink blood to sustain myself and to heal mortal wounds here shore yeah decal yo okay so I was in the darman district in NYC just casually window shopping and crap you know the usual when all of a sudden this frickin thing catches my eye this frickin thing it's as big as my freakin hand and it's made of real MA fricking diamonds and gold this has gone too far people look what you've done this is what the world has come to frick person who's about to invent geology I wonder how I could make science boring looks at rock geology is fun geology is bullcrap it's literally looking at rocks and writing things down about said rocks that's fun how can rocks be fun for one collecting them is fun for another smashing them is also fun okay I guess that's the one fun thing they taste good Diigo Brando wrote this not really related but this post made me think of this in archaeology if you pull something out of the ground and you can't tell what it is a practice is to lick it if it sucks the moisture out of your mouth it's bone okay I guess that's another interesting thing you go in to share that the watermark this bird you know we scavenging the seafloor for nutrients oh this is my goldfish his name is wet little beach my favorite thing about big dogs is when you push N over they're just like oh I'm lying down now someone might scratch my stomach I might nap endless possibilities whereas you push little dogs over and they're all like Vengeance death before dishonor unfortunately reptiles never evolved the defense against dentists why spend 20-plus bucks on a new wallet when you can just get a pack of extra gum his little Shrek Z okay I'm still worried about little Shrek see so my mom has a new nickname for the cat he asked me to tell you to stop calling him that he says he's not just a piece of meat I know that's not true he loves that what do you call a snake that studies past events don't you dare a historian I'll kill you okay how do you politely tell someone you want to hit them with a brick one wishes to acquaint your facial features with a fundamental item used in building walls repeatedly that was the most beautiful thing I've ever read are there cat boys at Walmart can we get some yogurt you can get the same quality at Fry's for half the price or in bulk at Costco my reading comprehension is saying Costco sells bulky can't boys thank you for this vital information most parents afraid their child will find their [ __ ] and get hurt me afraid my son will find my protein powder and get too strong and bendy has to be my dad what does the shaft recommend service is a McDonald's I'm sorry what does the MEC chef recommend real friendship is sending the link to something terrible so you can both be traumatized at the same time the internet has ruined me honestly I'm numb to everything it could be the end of the world and I'd be like tad yourself I'm the acid rain my daddy is behind the camera this is better than the kiss-cam when it lands on old couples Oh got that so adorable I felt this sharp pain and looked down and there's a flower growing in my hand someone please tell me how this happened I just pulled it out and it hurt I'm so scared I want to know how this happened you were the first successful human plant hybrid why'd you go and frik it up Furby stalks furbish talks English fun animal toy the Furby rode this bathroom with glass floor overlooking a 15 story elevator shaft in case you needed help crapping yourself OMG that comment though are ya winning dad walking in on dad trading stocks are you stocking the markets dad I don't need to go clubbing anymore I just go to the local grocery store that plays eighties music and stand there me standing and the vegetable aisle of my local supermarket waiting for them to stop playing a bass oh I can leave what do you mean I don't have a social life I just went grocery shopping with my mom I was born on Friday the 13th and weighed six pounds 6.6 ounces nice I found my birth record see my mom literally told me that she freaking told the nurse if creepy crap started happening in her hospital room she was gonna give me up for adoption are you missing a toe imagine roughly a million people realizing the air we could storm a government facility and they literally would not be able to stop us all and not using that knowledge to overthrow the government posts that put me on a list a flower for you my lady sloths are what happens when coconuts come alive that that is the best descriptions of sloths ever I can't oh em gee four Chinese New Year they get all these famous actors and comedians together and they do a little show and one of the comedians was like I was in a hotel in America once and there was a mouse in my room so I called reception except I forgot the English word for mouth so instead I said you know Tom and Jerry Jerry is here Jerry is here whenever I feel bad about having a weird name I remind myself that CS Lewis middle name was staples when I was a kid one of my family members quoted the first line Dawn Treader there was a boy named Eustace Clarence Scrubb and he almost deserved it and I said brave words from a man whose name was Clive staples Lewis and my mom lost it Clive staples Lewis it's also a complete sentence I wonder what places I have already visited for the last time holy crap Oh Frick the gym LMFAO never going there again four Bulls in a landscape rose upon her not a cellphone in sight just living in the moment you versus the guy she tells you not to worry about rely Seeta means exports you as a JPEG and turns the quality way down thanks I really needed that help help I'm being compressed I love farad fighting etiquette so much like when ferrets fight they get so wild and crazy that they crash into everything and fall off everything and throw themselves in every direction and fail with their mouths open as if they have absolutely no concept of their surroundings but if one ferret stops in the middle of a fight to scratch an itch which happens a lot the rather ferret will always stop and wait for them to finish before starting the fight again my 10 plus ferrets over the years have always obeyed this unspoken rule and I think that's so awesome a teleporting cat it's just a regular house cat but it appears in random places when you could have sworn you just saw it somewhere else that's just a cat literally any cat imagine if we lived in a world where you could see the exact date when everyone is going to die except for yourself and then one day people start acting nice to you like really nice write a book imagine being a human and an alien crew in space and leaving with bright blue or pink hair and the color fades and everybody on board wonders why you are losing your colors is it the lack of greens are you sad angry they just don't know human biology is baffling these are the kinds of pure posts I come to this place for strawberry milk doesn't taste like strawberry but it sure as heck tastes like pink tea girl its milk guess what's coming me if you use those fingers correctly oMG I almost spit out the water I was drinking a million gallons Thun standing up and blacking out for a few seconds is just transitioning from a cutscene to the actual gameplay you motherf Riggs need to eat salt is what that means where is that cat with the kind and reassuring face B thank you is three a lot depends on the context dollars no months filled with catastrophes yes if April ends up worse I swear to God sure is something to read this post at the beginning of June Oh to be a handsome young Navy man in 1930 with curly hair and dirt on my nose on my break from hauling cargo from the shipyard reading a little blue book titled homosexual life that I bought for five cents pretending not to notice the bankers son eyeing me in a truly sinful way some of these are getting so specific that I'm not convinced your line just describing your past lives in some weird misconnections forks tumblr mean TI all that millennial dad's are spending three times as much times with their kids than their father spent with them back in 1982 43% of fathers admitted they'd never changed a diaper today that number is down to about 3% Millennials are killing the deadbeat dad industry I've lived in this state my entire life and today I found out Alabama has its own Groundhog Day called opossum day where they get a possum from the wild and name it sand mountain Salmond make it predict the weather sand mountain Sam disagrees with Punxsutawney Phil they got all the details just right speak for yourself file this under jokes you didn't understand the first time around I don't believe in you I believe in you a Nightmare on Elm Street for the dream master 1988 when a dream demon is more supportive than your family blue flavored candy is always the best flavor of candy like what the Frick blue raspberries aren't even a thing we are literally eating the color blue is a flavor and it's freakin magical if you name your child after any license coca-cola product they pay for their college tuition similarly if you name your child after any Olive Garden menu item made free for life don't ask me how I know this is the information they try to keep from you what if we gave every mom an absolute dump truck pick sir every time I open this freaking up I get ever so closer to deleting it so I'm ready to go back to school we'll hang on what are you really sure you're only going to need one pen do you want to avoid people drink water not only will you be hydrated you don't have to talk to people while drinking water then later you'll have to pee which means you get to avoid people even more this brilliant look at her lives look at our choices how has this child not aged today in 16 years dermatologists must hate him the house tonight exists party rockers I got Li eated back - mm petition to have balls again because I really want to dress up in a large pretty gown in socially partner dance like why did they stop being a thing clubs are cool but are they nothing on a ball what is heavier a 200 pounds of bricks or 200 pounds of feathers the answer is the feathers 200 pounds of bricks is just a bunch of bricks but if you try to carry 200 pounds of feathers you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds that was deep and I did not anticipate that I keep cursing in ice cream flavors and my mom has told me to stop update I still haven't stopped how do you curse in ice cream flavors what the mint chocolate chip did you say to me boy I'll kick your okie Road and then punch the ever-loving strawberry cheesecake out of you that was beautiful where's my grandparent who will peacefully die of old age and give me a note only to open when I need it revealing that they have gifted me their old farm that I can use to escape if I have a neater APRI from capitalist corporate life in an idyllic town with lovely villages and also a wizard what if a guy in a hoody comes up to you and hands you a giant book and gives you a sliced Merc when you start to read it you realize it's a book about your entire life would you read it to the end what if you read it up to where you are now and then you realize that there's only like three pages left when you get there but why is the guy wearing a hoody maybe he's cold owls may be symbols of wisdom but they're actually complete morons whoever invented the internet must feel really ashamed because this is what it has been reduced to so I went to the bathroom at Chili's and it was super air-conditioned in there I was by myself and I said wow it's really cold in here and then followed it up with one might even say it's chilly and I realized this is it this is why I'm single I make puns to myself in an empty bathroom the cutest crap though snow war as you can trust me and doctor the morale of Hamlet is don't ever try to go home and resolve conflicts with your family just stay at college and dig a crap with your friends as an English teacher I'm qualified to tell you this analysis is insightful and may be supported fully with textual evidence did I ever tell you guys about the time I got my wisdom teeth removed and right after we stopped by McDonald's thank God not the one I work apt to get me a smoothie and I walked in the door and just screamed Nuggets and my dad was like okay sweetie how many maggots four six and I just looked at him and stage whispered all when you're empty one minute and get it with 75 emotions the next text flirting tip don't reply immediately play it cool wait for a minute then eventually forget to reply and ruin everything why is your nose in the middle of your face because it's the center I stole this from a Laffy Taffy rapper and it got 3,100 notes I'm crying gets rammed inter and pushed around in the stairs and halls there's too many people on this earth we need a new plague do you know what I want to see I want to see a really cool Disney princess who can't sing I want to see this pretty young girl who sounds like a beached whale when she tries to sing happy birthday and none of the musical numbers feature her because she doesn't sing but halfway through the movie she figures out she can rap like heck was Morgan Freeman ever a kid or was he born 60 years old this makes me very uncomfortable getting over someone you never even dated I don't know why this picture is so accurate I don't know why this picture was ever taken a game show where a toddler has to choose between a check for a million dollars or a small basket filled with eight dollars and 14 cents worth of dollar store toys and in the corner of the TV you can see their parents in a soundproof room watching from a screen and screaming the whole time I want to wear a huge beautiful dress and run down a castle hallway at least once what if you trip and die and turn into one of those stereotypical long dress ghosts who's always seen flying down Castle hallways worth it [Music] he flew why was Ariel so impressed with a freaking fork in the ship what's this Wow are you kidding me your dad swings around a giant glorified golden fork every day the state mermaid education is in is appalling four times is a fork three times is a trident one is for eating one is for ruling the seven seas emotionally I'm doing the laminated paper wobbling sound psychic weeds my mind my mind for battle bath Webber will self-love is closing a personality quiz when it asks you to pick one out of ten paragraph long options thanks but I Know Who I am a person who's not gonna stand for this drunk college student smashes through the walls of a spar and eats all their hot pockets I have so many questions what kind of spa has hot pockets why are their walls so thin where can I find one of these spas with hot pockets how did he know that they had them how did he know which walther break to get to where they were kept I need a hug huge amount of money a few months ago I bought a balloon when Luigi I found him again today and I've never been so scared in my entire life it's a cold and it's a broken were lower G every time something whack happens this year which is constantly especially in the UK I keep thinking this will definitely be on the big fat quiz this year gonna be a crazy episode I like how space doesn't care about me it's impossible to disappoint the Sun Googler Docs you are getting awfully uppity for something that can't differentiate between its and its correctly oh hello and now you're questioning my adverb usage you you you freakin dare you try to change stairs two years for no reason but don't catch important I've worked a series of customer service jobs since I was fifteen so that's been a while and I have completely lost count of how many times I have automatically responded to someone thanking me IRL with a chipper no thank you I work at the cinema I had someone over at my house yesterday and at one point and they asked where the bathroom was so I replied sorry ma'am I have to see your ticket before we can let you in and not even three days earlier I was checking out my groceries and instead of saying thank you I said enjoy your movie well I worked as a waitress in some restaurant for about a year and I got used to bringing people's orders after their drinks so I was at my own birthday party and I got a couple of friends over I offered some drinks and everything was normal till that point when I said with a big smile the rest of your order will be here soon please call me if you need anything else all of my friends just stood there not really knowing what to say and it took me like 10 seconds to realize what I have just said needless to say they tease me all night about the incident and they still do occasionally I work in a kitchen and generally we have to say yes chef acknowledging that we were given a task and all the usual stuff one morning my mother was trying to get me up humor yelling barely awakened at my mother chef's give me a minute to pull out the calzones at top volume in my smallest bedroom my boyfriend recently worked in a kitchen and would yell corner while working we recently went to media and we ended up going to different aisles he walked back to say that he yelled out corner saying excuse me to customers when they bumped me is so second nature at this point that I often apologize to inanimate objects when I bump them dark emails to whom it will concern one of my favorite tropes is when your group of main characters has been split up for questioning and they're all answering the same questions in a neatly sliced montage my favorite trope is when the store is blatantly and hilariously conflict toilet water on my balls accidentally got toilet water on my balls not happy secret baptism my momma got home today and she was so excited she said she got me a present so then I was excited too I had no idea what she got me she said close your eyes and put your hands out so I did and then I felt her put something in my hands I opened my eyes on this tiny jyn erso went to the Star Wars Celebration and handed out copies of the Death Star's plans to every Lea she saw you left out the best part she left the last one at Carrie Fisher's memorial at night the coral reef parrotfish sleep in a blanket made of mucus to protect themselves from parasites he looks so pleased with himself I spit on myself so nothing will eat me [Music]

Channel: Tumblr Reads

Views: 143,930

Rating: 4.9559269 out of 5

Keywords: tumblr, tumblr memes, dank memes, dank, memes, meme, funny, lol, comedy, humor, r/tumblr, best of tumblr, top tumblr posts, funny tumblr posts, hot tumblr posts, funniest tumblr posts, cowbelly, comment awards, tumblr reads, tumblr trophies, tumblr awards, text posts, tumblr posts

Id: xKNm3h6-Cjg

Length: 20min 34sec (1234 seconds)

Published: Mon Jun 08 2020