-Welcome, everybody,
welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show"!
You're here. [ Cheering and applause ] ♪♪ Here's something positive
to kick things off. A new poll shows that
almost 2/3 of Americans are feeling optimistic after President Biden's
first 100 days in office. [ Cheering and applause ] Yeah. Of course we're feeling good. We have vaccines in our arms, stimulus checks in our pockets, and hot sauce in our goldfish. Come on, things are --
-Come on! That's right --
64% are feeling optimistic, while the other 36% had a rough
weekend at the Kentucky Derby. According to polls,
the last time we were close to being
this optimistic was 2006. -Ooh!
-I'm not surprised. That was when Tom Hanks
brought back the mullet. Do you remember that? Meanwhile, as pandemic
restrictions ease and the vaccine
rollout continues, major companies, like Domino's, are now struggling
to hire enough employees. Yeah, you can tell
Domino's is desperate. Earlier today,
they ordered Papa John's and kidnapped the driver. -Really?
-Yeah. That's not good. -That is desperate.
-Yeah. I also saw that Lowe's
is looking to hire 50,000 employees,
while Home Depot is looking to double the employees
on the floor to two. Hello?! Hello?! [ As echo ]
Anyone-anyone-anyone! -Use your app-app.
-Echo-echo. -I need a nail! -What aisle are
screwdrivers is in-in-in? -Bay sixteen-teen-teen! -I've been here
for four days-days-days. How do I get out-out-out? -Now it's my home-home.
-I built a home in Home Depot-ot. One place that looks
like they're going to need some workers is the
world's largest White Castle. It just opened -- Yeah, it just
opened today in Orlando, and there was a bit of a line. Watch this.
Look at this. That's all people waiting for --
-Oh! -It's a mile long. Yeah. And you know,
after hours in that line, someone is still going
to get to the window and not know what they want. "Uh, it's my first time
here, so..." -"What do you got?" -You know one guy
was calling his wife like, "Look, I know I missed
the birth, but... you'll be psyched when I show up with a couple of these
steamed burgers, okay." -"I ate them all." -Some news from overseas. After Biden criticized
North Korea in his joint address last week, the country is
now warning that the U.S. will face a "crisis beyond
control" in the near future. That would actually be
scary to hear, if we weren't already living
in a crisis beyond our control. I'm not worried.
North Korea's threats are a lot like the cicadas. They randomly show up,
make a lot of annoying noise, and then you just go back
to forgetting about them. [ Applause ] Some business news. I read that Verizon is selling
Yahoo! and AOL for $5 billion. The deal is already being called
the most successful tech sale of 1999. I didn't even know
Verizon owned Yahoo! and AOL. That's like finding out
Apple owns RadioShack. -What?
-What? Apparently, the deal
almost didn't happen, until Verizon threw in a CD-ROM
with 100 free hours of AOL. -Enh! -Yeah, it was telling
when they emailed the news to the heads of Yahoo! and AOL and they both had
Gmail addresses. I'm sorry, but if you paid
$5 billion for AOL, then... -You've got...
-...scammed. [ Cheering and applause ] Timing? -Nice!
-Oh, this is interesting. More business news.
I heard that Gerber is searching
for a new spokesbaby. -Ooh! -I mean, it's about time
Gerber finally started looking for a new baby. I mean, the commercials
were getting a little weird. -We're a company
you can count on, because here at Gerber, we provide only the best
for your children. Gerber --
babies are our business. -Goo-goo. Ga-ga. [ Coughs ] -What?!
-A little weird. -Goo-goo, ga-ga?
-Yeah. -Smoking? -And this has been going
viral here. A Starbucks employee
tweeted out a photo of a customer's extremely
complicated order. Take a look at this thing. Look at that order.
Oh, my gosh. Then Edward left Starbucks
and held up the line at the world's largest
White Castle. And, finally, we all know
the world can feel overwhelming sometimes, but it's
good to have some perspective, so we wanted
to give you something to make you feel a little bit
better about yourself. That's why it's time for, "Hey,
at Least I'm Not That Guy." ♪♪ -Take a look at this.
A tree fell on this Porta PottI
while a man was inside. ♪♪
-There you go. Today is
Teacher Appreciation Day and... [ Cheering and applause ]
♪♪ ...tonight's audience is filled with New York City
school teachers. [ Cheering and applause ]
So welcome. Thank you for being here. ♪♪ You always do incredible work, but to spend a year
teaching remotely during a pandemic
is really amazing. [ Cheering and applause ] You're all heroes
for kids, parents, and liquor stores everywhere. [ Laughter, cheering,
and applause ] I'm so honored
that you're here. I want you to know,
right before the show, I made sure none of tonight's
jokes end in a preposition. [ Laughter and applause ] I know a lot of you are back
in the classroom. I'm sure it's nice to see
the kids in person again, but you can be honest --
I bet some of you are missing that sweet, sweet mute button. [ Laughter and applause ]
Yeah, right? "We don't care
about your weekend, Candace." [ Laughter ] A lot of businesses are offering
discounts for teachers. I saw that Buffalo Wild Wings
has a special deal, but Hooters doesn't. [ Laughter ]
-Oh. -Which is probably smart
because, if you thought running into your teacher
at the mall was awkward... [ Laughter ] Speaking of school, yesterday, President Biden visited
an elementary school in Virginia and he talked to some students
about their remote learning experience.
Watch this. [ Laughter and applause ] Biden was like, "Okay,
there's two kids who are too honest
for politics." [ Laughter ] Then, Biden started
telling his story and the girl was like --
[ Snoring ] [ Laughter ] After the Bidens left,
the teacher was like, "What?! What did you just do?! [ Laughter ] The president and first lady
were just here! Alright, we're going to learn
a new lesson, called Not Being a Rat! They're never coming back
to the school!" [ Laughter ] Meanwhile, everyone is
talking about this. The Jimmy Carter Library
just released this photo of the Bidens visiting
the Carters last week. Have you heard of this? Take a look.
See if you see anything odd with this photograph. [ Laughter ] That looks like a second grader
made a presidential diorama. [ Laughter and applause ] Can we see that photo again? [ Laughter ] They look like
Jeff Dunham's retired puppets. [ Laughter and applause ] I learned two things
from the photo -- the two families are very close and Biden is the size
of Jason Momoa. [ Laughter and applause ] Yep, Biden is busy today. He gave an update
on the vaccine rollout, but he struggled a bit with the name of the website.
Listen to this. [ Laughter and applause ] -Yeah. That should make it easier. [ As Biden ]
Again, the website is WrigleyWrigleyWrigley.
vaccines.gum. [ Laughter ] The White House is like,
"Damn it, somebody buy vaccines.gum,
right now, stat! [ Laughter ]
Buy it, just to have it! Everyone's going to --" [ As Biden ]
Vaccines.gum. [ Laughter ] Yep, it's either
Pfizer, Moderna, or Bubblicious.
That's your choices. [ Laughter ] [ As Biden ]
Make it easier for everybody. Go to vaccine.gum, .gov, .com. [ Laughter ] Here's some great news --
next week, the FDA is set
to approve the Pfizer shot for kids between the ages
of 12 and 15. [ Cheering and applause ] Parents were like, "Good,
because, either way, they were going to summer camp." [ Laughter and applause ] Meanwhile,
Governor Phil Murphy announced that New Jersey
is offering free beer to residents who get vaccinated
through its new Shot and a Beer program. [ Oohs and applause ] Which is why every 15-year-old just said they want to get
vaccinated in New Jersey. [ Laughter ] Right now, some guy in Jersey's
enjoying a free beer at a Bada Bing, thinking -- [ Italian accent ]
Not all heroes wear capes. [ Laughter ] Ah! Some more COVID news --
I read that Washington, D.C. just unveiled
new social distancing rules that ban dancing at weddings. [ Grumbling ] So, if you planned
a big choreographed dance, the mayor just did you
a huge favor. [ Laughter and applause ] If you're keeping track, we have an old guy
as our president, tensions with North Korea, and we've banned dancing. This is going to be the best
summer of 1952, ever! [ Cheering and applause ] Well, guys, not only is it
Teacher Appreciation Day, but it's also Star Wars Day. [ Cheering and applause ]
That's right. Today is May the Fourth, and that means news anchors
around the country decided to try their best
Yoda impression. Here are some of our favorites. -[ As Yoda ] Do or do not. There is no try. -[ As Yoda ] Do or not do. There is no try. -[ As Yoda ] Do or do not.
-[ As Yoda ] Do or do not. -[ As Yoda ]
There is no try. -[ As Yoda ] Do or do not. Because there is no try. -[ Robotically ]
Do or do not. There is no try? [ Laughter and applause ] -Come on.
-You actually did and didn't try,
at the same time. [ Laughter and applause ] [ Robotically ]
Do or do not, to that is try? [ Laughter ] Well, here's another story
everyone's talking about. After 27 years of marriage,
Bill and Melinda Gates just announced
that they're splitting up. [ Awws ] You know Melinda Gates
is thinking, "Finally, I can use a MacBook!" [ Laughter and applause ] I think they both
deserve their privacy, but, if ABC wants to make Bill
the next Bachelor, I'm all in. [ Laughter ] We're wishing them the best. Remember what they say --
"When God closes a door..." He opens a Windows 95. [ Laughter ] Finally,
I saw that American Girl is bringing back
its six original dolls to celebrate
its 35th anniversary. [ Applause ]
Yeah. And this is nice -- after the news yesterday,
they're adding two new dolls. That's very interesting. [ Cheering and applause ] Hey, this is fun.
Today is Cinco de Mayo. [ Cheering and applause ]
Happy Cinco de Mayo. Cinco de Mayo, which,
of course, is Spanish for "I puked in my Uber." Just a reminder for today --
if you're thinking, "Is what I'm
about to wear racist?", then, yes, yes, it is. But this is nice.
In honor of Cinco de Mayo, anyone who got
their vaccine shot today got to suck on a lime right after.
-Oh! -Let's get to some news.
Well, guys, everybody is talking about this. Earlier today,
Facebook ruled to uphold former President Trump's
suspension. [ Cheering and applause ] Yeah, so if you want to see
crazy conspiracy theories, you'll have to settle for any
other person on Facebook. Yeah, it's a tough break
for Trump. Now, he's scrambling
to figure out how he'll keep in touch with his
friends from high school. [ Laughter ] That's right --
no Facebook for Trump. On the bright side,
he still has a good excuse for forgetting
his kids' birthdays. You got to give this
to Trump, though. He's the only person
to leave social media without a long, annoying
post about how he's leaving social media. "I just can't do it anymore." Get this --
since Rudy Giuliani is under investigation
and facing a lot of legal problems,
he's turning to an old friend to help pay for it all.
Check it out. -New twist now
in Rudy Giuliani's legal challenges.
The New York Times detailing today
how Giuliani allies were pressing
former President Trump to help pay the former New York
mayor's escalating legal costs. So far, to no avail. No shock there, yeah. Rudy's basically saying,
"Pay me, or I'll spill everything,"
and, when Rudy says he's going to spill everything,
he means it. Things keep getting
worse for Rudy. A former Ukrainian official
told NBC News about a phone call
that he heard between Rudy and the president of Ukraine's
top aide. Listen to this. Hang on a second.
Could we see that guy again? [ Laughter ]
-Oh, wow! -When did I become
the top Ukrainian official? -Wow! -Good-looking guy. He's a very --
He's a good-looking guy. But let's focus
on the current administration. President Biden
just announced that he wants nearly 40,000 pharmacies
to start offering walk-in vaccine appointments. [ Cheering and applause ]
Yeah. If the walk-in
appointments don't work, Biden's going
to make pharmacists blow-dart the vaccine
into customers. Thank you. Did anyone see this?
Today on "Fox & Friends," Brian Kilmeade
interviewed some kids about remote learning
and returning to school. Let's see how that went. -How close are you
to getting back in the room? -I think that we're very, very close
to getting back to school and I think that the way
that our new president is handling things
is a very good way and we would not have
gone to this if it were still
the last president. -Really? That's hard to believe,
because the last president was saying, "I want every kid
back in school." [ Laughter ] -You know a "Fox & Friends"
producer was like, "Mute. Mute him. Mute that child.
No, not Brian. The child." Kilmeade was then like,
"And another thing. You're a big dumb-dumb face." Speaking of school,
New York City just announced that, next year, snow days will be replaced
with remote learning days. [ Booing ] Which explains why third graders
spent the day learning to say, "Friggin' de Blasio." Meanwhile, teachers were like -- [ As Vito Corleone ]
You come to me on this week
of teacher appreciation and ask to cancel snow days. It's very disrespectful. -Nice. Wow! ♪♪
[ Cheering and applause ] -Nice! -It's just some
of the many voices you'll hear in my one-man show. -Oh, really?
-Coming this holiday season. -Oh.
It's remote? -It's a remote one-man show,
yeah. And, weirdly,
there's a 10% capacity on that. -Oh, really?
-Yeah, even though it's remote. -On Zoom.
-Yeah. I do all the impressions.
-Really? -Do a version
of the "Christmas Carol." -"Christmas Carol"?
Do you do all the characters? -Yeah. Give me a character.
-Tiny Tim. -Tiny Tim as played
by John Travolta. -Really? -[ As Travolta ]
I can't believe, like, we're not going to
eat this Christmas, right? What's going on?
-Wow! Bob Cratchit.
What about Bob Cratchit? -Oh, Bob Cratchit.
Of course, it will be Seinfeld. -Really?
-Yeah. -How's that going to go?
How would that sound? [ Laughter ] -[ As Seinfeld ] I can't believe
I'm not getting a raise! It's the holidays!
You give people raises! Where is my bonus?! -Is this part of your --
-I thought they were showing a video clip.
-Is this part
of your one-man show? -This is part of the
one-man show where it looks like
I had technical difficulties. -Oh, okay.
-And then I get out of it by -- -Doing the dad
from "Punky Brewster?" -No. No. -French Stewart.
-No, I don't do French Stewart. Talking about --
No, I do Bullwinkle Moose. -Oh, what does he say? -[ As Bullwinkle ]
I can't believe there's all these technical diffi-- No. Thank you.
It's a long show. It's about three hours.
Three hours and change. And, finally,
someone in Wisconsin just filed a lawsuit
claiming that Bagel Bites do not contain
real cheese or tomato sauce. -Mm! -I guess they missed the
authentic mini pizza bagels that Grandma brought back
from the old country. [ Laughter ] [ Fresh laughter ] [ Cheering and applause ] -Wow.
-Wow. -Wow! ♪♪ -Well, guys,
it seems like there's so much going on right now. You got Prince William
and Kate Middleton. They just launched
their own YouTube channel. Cicadas are returning
after 17 years. -No!
-Yeah. Oh, they are. Sunday is Mother's Day. [ Cheering and applause ] And I heard about a woman
who claims to have found a cigarette in her taco
at Taco Bell. There's a lot to go over,
so let's just jump in and cover it all at once. It's time for a "News Smash." [ Cheering and applause ]
♪♪ First up, Prince William
and Kate Middleton have launched their own
YouTube channel. They plan to upload videos,
though it's not clear how often. They could post every day
or they could post once every 17 years. That's right --
the cicadas are back. Experts are expecting trillions
of these loud, obnoxious bugs to emerge from underground,
just in time for Mother's Day. It's this weekend, so,
if you haven't bought a gift, you should get on that,
though Mom would be happy with whatever you get her,
as long as it isn't a taco
with a cigarette inside. That's right -- a woman said
she found a damn cigarette in her Taco Bell meal. That's disgusting. To be honest,
I'd rather find a cicada. They only pop up
once every 17 years, so it's easy
to forget about them, but it's okay, as long
as you don't forget about Mother's Day.
I mean, how could you? Flowers, cards, chocolates -- Mother's Day stuff
is everywhere. No matter where you turn, you can't escape it,
kind of like the royal family. Every TV show and movie
is about them, and now they're
taking over YouTube, too. I can't wait to see their
first prank video, when they put a cigarette
in someone's taco. What a terrible meal. It is the opposite
of what you'll get on Mother's Day. And you get to eat in it bed. So, in conclusion, this should be fun, there's going to be a ton, Mom, you're number one, think outside the bun. [ Cheering and applause ]
This has been a "News Smash." ♪♪ Oh, hey, this is exciting. Today is National Nurses Day. Yeah.
[ Cheering and applause ] That's what I'm talking about.
Absolutely. Yep, after Cinco de Mayo,
everyone spent the day either thanking a nurse or needing one. And listen to this.
The CDC just announced that they expect to see
a sharp decline in COVID cases
in the U.S. by July. [ Cheering and applause ] That's right. So get ready
for Etsy's newest item -- bikinis made
from recycled masks. This gives me hope that we can
celebrate the 4th of July the way it's meant
to be celebrated -- at a neighbor's barbecue, judging their house
and trying to leave. Speaking of COVID,
I read that the Mets and Yankees will soon offer free tickets to people who get vaccinated
at their games. That's fantastic. Then, after parking,
food, and a T-shirt, the vaccine will only cost you
about 400 or 500 bucks. It's actually a great idea,
except they're having the peanut vendor
hurl the needle at people. You could also look for the guy
in the parking lot who's yelling, "Pfizer!
Get your ice-cold Pfizer here!" I'm kidding. Fans just have
to show up on time and hope that Mr. Met
has steady hands. Meanwhile, I saw that
New York City is taking the effort a step further and now wants to start
vaccinating tourists. -Ooh! -I can't wait to see
a German tourist be like, "Yeah, I just got ze
J&J at ze M&M store." Yeah, that's right --
tourists are excited. They're like,
"It's New York City. We're going to get stabbed,
one way or another." The vaccines would be
administered in a mobile van. Here's a word of warning
to tourists. If someone rolls up in a van
and offers you a shot, don't get in, unless it's Mr. Met. Some news from overseas. I read that Russia
just authorized use of a one-shot COVID vaccine
called Sputnik Light. Which means everyone lining up
in Russia is hearing -- [ Russian accent ]
We're out of Sputnik. Is Sputnik Light okay?
Is that fine? It tastes the same, basically. I mean, it's just as effective. Some news from Washington. I saw that House Republicans
want to kick Liz Cheney off of their leadership team
because she refuses to side with Trump
and say the election was stolen. You can tell Republicans
also upset Dick Cheney because they were like,
"We should totally ditch Liz. She's such a..."
[ Asphyxiating ] [ Imitates whooshing ] -[ As Darth Vader ]
Liz, I am your father. -Liz Cheney said Republicans
have to choose between the truth and Trump,
to which Republicans said, "Um, the truth
never gave us free hats." [ Brief laughter ] You guys getting tired?
It's alright. [ Laughter ] We're almost at the end. Some entertainment news. HBO just released
the first images from its "Game of Thrones" prequel
series, "House of the Dragon." Yeah, here's one
of the photos they released. [ Ewws ] We don't know much,
but you can tell that they're not brother and sister,
because they're not making out. Can we zoom into the
background for a second? How did they miss that? -Oh, come on!
-Come on! -Come on!
-How did they miss that? You'd think someone would --
-Learn their lesson. -Well, now can we zoom out? What's going on?
-Oh, come on! -I've seen those people
in the Hamptons. -Really?
-Did you guys see this? Last night, the New York Rangers
and Washington Capitals played each other,
and the game was pretty wild right from the start.
Take a look at this. -Dowd and Garnet Hathaway -- they combined
for 2 goals, 3 assists. -Here we go.
Right off the draw. -And right off the face-off,
three fights simultaneously. Rooney and Dowd. -People were calling it
"The View on Ice." Yeah, there were six fights
in the first five minutes, and a photo of the Capitals'
penalty box went viral. Look at this. Looks like a Canadian prison. Can we see it again? It looks like
a white-guy vending machine. Hey, get this --
in Ohio, lawmakers introduced a new bill against
distracted driving, okay? And, on the same day that
that bill was proposed, one senator tried
to hide the fact that he was driving
during a meeting. Watch this. -Programs to allow
for the legislative process and discussions to continue. -On the regular agenda, are there any holds,
no votes, or abstentions? Senator Brenner. -No holds. [ Laughter ] -The guy was like, "What,
what, what, the seat belt? Yeah, when I get this
rocking chair moving, who knows what's going
to happen? I'm not in a car.
You're in a car." Then he was like, "Sorry.
My Zoom's cutting out. I'm going through a tunnel. I mean, I'm not going
through a tunnel. I mean, I'm going
through a tollbooth. I mean, not a toll--
Why would I say tollbooth? I'm just going to pull over. I'm going to pull my house over.
Hold on." And, finally, a 12-year-old
just built the world's tallest Popsicle-stick structure.
Check this out. Wow.
-Ooh! -Oh, yeah, we've got to get
the kids back in school. It was cute until he said,
"I'm building my own 5G tower to avoid government
surveillance." Yep, everyone said,
"Great Eiffel Tower," while the kid was like,
"Eiffel Tower? This is Shaq's toothpick." ♪♪ Hey, this is exciting.
This Sunday is Mother's Day, everyone. [ Cheering and applause ] We love all the moms out there. The kids and I planned
something special for my wife. We made our own cards. There's going to be
breakfast in bed. I booked her a mani-pedi. Whereas, on Father's Day,
I got a Post-it note. It said, "We love Mom" on it. [ Laughter ] I read that, over the years,
the average mom receives 45 pieces of homemade artwork. [ Cheering and applause ] That's a lot. I'm sure, after the first five,
even da Vinci's mom was like, "How long before
I can chuck this thing? I mean...is he watching?" Yeah, Mother's Day
is almost here and, if you're looking for some
last-minute inspiration, you may like this commercial
I just saw. Check this out. -Here at Zales, we know
how special moms are, and that's why we have
the perfect gifts. Like a giant locket
that goes with nothing, even though she mentioned
wanting a manicure. Or a diamond-encrusted
Mickey Mouse necklace, even though she handed you
the number to a spa with a note that said,
"Buy This!" Or a Casio watch that looks like
you got it from a claw machine, even though
she literally screamed "Running shoes" at you
over breakfast. [ Cheering and applause ]
-Aw, that's sweet, isn't it? Kind of beautiful. Well, let's get to some news. Yesterday, President Biden
visited Louisiana. Did you see this?
-Yeah. -And he opened his speech
with a story about another time
that he visited the state. Listen to this. -First time I came down here, with a guy named Russell Long, who I served with. I was 29 years old
when I got elected, and I went to see Russell Long. He said, "How much money
did you spend in your campaign?" "About," I said,
"a little over $285,000." But then I had to borrow
some money to get through it. And he said,
"Good thing you won." And I said, "How's that?" He said, "Well," he said, "You got yourself
a $38,000 'dee-ficit.'" And I said, "Yes, sir." He said,
"Well, if you hadn't won, you'd just have
a plain old dee-ficit. Now you can have
a dee-ficit party." [ Laughs ] God, I miss him.
He was amazing. [ Laughter ] -You know you're talking
for a while when you watch the tide come in
and go back out, right? You know that. I'll tell you one thing.
Biden sure doesn't have a "dee-ficit"
of long, rambling stories. Can we check in
on Biden right now?
Where is he? What's he doing? [ Crickets chirping ]
-It's hard to believe that... -Oh, yeah, yeah.
You already said -- Yeah. I believe it.
I believe it. -Hideout.
-Gosh. Holy moly. -Hogging the entire time. -Well, things just keep
getting worse for Rudy Giuliani. [ Audience member whoops ]
I saw that 'cause of his gr-- [ Laughter ] I saw that, 'cause of his
growing legal bills, Rudy had to lay off several
members of his entourage. -Mm.
-It's the worst news those people have gotten
since they found out that they were
in Rudy Giuliani's entourage. [ Laughter ] -Me? I'm in his entourage? [ Cheering and applause ] I didn't know
he had an entourage. I always assumed those people
with him were orderlies. [ Laughter ] Well, this made me laugh.
Last night on "Jeopardy!," I saw a contestant ran
into a little trouble answering a question.
Check this out. -Hot Stuff for $1,000.
-Hot Stuff. -Steve. -What is a calzone? [ Laughter ]
-No. [ Beep beep beep ]
"What are ovens?" [ Laughter ] -Calzone? -He's like, "Of course,
I'm sorry. Who -- Who is calzone?" When he said that, other
contestants were thinking, "You idiot," while everyone
at home was shouting, "What are Hot Pockets?" They actually are 800 degrees. Well, here's some news here.
This isn't good for those of you trying to take an Uber or a Lyft this summer.
Listen to this. -We're back with a heads-up
for Lyft and Uber customers. A shortage of drivers
is making the cost of the rideshares much higher
than they used to be. -Oh, wait. I have to pay more
for Uber now? -Yeah, sorry about that, Tariq. -It's all good.
I actually bought a Hyundai last week, so, I'll drive myself.
It's fine. -Oh. -"Oh," what? -Roll the clip.
-Hyundai is recalling more than 390,000 vehicles for two problems
that can cause fires. -What?! Now, how am I supposed
to get around this summer? I guess I'll just sit at home and eat some ice cream
or sherbet. -Well... -Don't you dare. -Roll the clip.
-Almost 100 popular ice cream brands
and sherbets have been recalled
over possible listeria. -Well, at least I can eat
some of that chocolate shell topping
that goes on ice cream. Here's hoping there's no recall
they want to make me aware of. -A recall we want
to make you aware of. Hershey's is voluntarily
recalling some of its chocolate
shell topping. -Come on!
-I'm sorry. Tariq, there's got to be
something else you enjoy. What's your favorite snack? -Oh, that's easy. The Ruffles
All Dressed potato chips. -Frito Lay is issuing
a voluntary recall of select bags of Ruffles
All Dressed potato chips. -What do I even have left, the beans in my cabinets?! -Check your cabinets. There's a recall of black beans
and chili beans nationwide. -I give up! [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] This summer is a bust! -Oh, come on, Tariq!
Look on the bright side. I mean, aren't you going
on a double date this weekend? -That's true.
I'm looking forward to that. -Yeah. Who are you going
with, again? -Bill and Melinda Gates. [ Laughter ]
-Let's just move on. Let's just move on. [ Cheering and applause ] [ Chuckles ] "The beans in my cabinets?" [ Laughter ] Oh.
-[ Laughs ] -Oh, man.
-[ Laughing ] And, finally -- It's such a good read. Finally, I heard that Rome
just unveiled a new vending machine that makes hot pizza
in three minutes. -Ooh.
-Here it is. Yeah, look at that.
And, if you buy a vending-machine pizza in Rome, it also comes
with a T-shirt that says, "Rob me.
I'm not from here."
