Human Boil Ted Cruz Starts Trouble with Jimmy Kimmel Again

i'm jimmy i'm the host of the show welcome thanks for watching thank you for joining us at our headquarters in hollywood where i don't know if you know this but we were attacked last night we were hit by another devastating ted cruz twitter strike once again i found myself in a squabble with the senate's least favorite senator ted cruz and once again guess who started it me i guess i started but i so last night on the show i mentioned the fact that ted cruz got some flack for being stupid he mocked an ad for the army that featured a female soldier who was raised by two moms he called our military woke and emasculated which i pointed out fairly i thought is funny coming from a guy who let donald trump use his testicles on the driving range and i mean look he was he was trump's theon greyjoy okay and i guess that struck a nerve because i'm at home last night watching our guest lena with show and i get a text saying hey uh you know teddy cancun just tweeted about you he wrote jimmy at jimmy kimmel live keeps talking crap really tough guy here's a reminder when we played one-on-one i kicked his ass he has to live with that forever rematch punk and he's right it's true it's true i do have to live with that forever you have to live with being ted cruz forever which is a lot so much worse but but i also have to live with that so so i paused the show and i was like all right what am i gonna write back and uh and it's late by the way it's he should be in bed by now but this is what he's up doing he's googling himself and getting mad so i wrote back oh ted you get so sad after your masturbate which is undoubtedly what he was doing undoubtedly remember that time he accidentally liked a stepmom porno tweet on 911 of all days and then he blamed it on somebody on his staff that was a tough one anyway 911 by the way was the score of our game he had 11 points i had nine points it's funny you know he posted this video it's edited so you only see the shots he made and he's so proud of himself meanwhile neither one of us had anything to be proud of as far as that game was concerned between us we made this is true he made 20 shots you know how many shots we missed do you remember guillermo like 25 more i don't remember more than 25. i don't remember i just trying to be nice 200 is the number 200 200 shots we shot like 10 from the field [Applause] that game was uglier than him okay so the charities we were playing for almost refused to accept the money they're like you losers need this more than we do anyway you know we're supposed to play to 21 or if you remember this at a certain point it didn't seem like we were ever going to get there i pulled him aside i'm like hey you want to go to 11 he's like yes i do and it was like spinal tap it went to 11. so there's nothing to boast about and secondly and this is the most important point besides the fact that you're a u.s senator and a very convincing grandpa monster impersonator who we would think has other things to do but this is the most important part after you won the game do you remember what i did i said good game thanks and i shook your disgusting hand i didn't complain that it was rigged i didn't ask for a recount on the referee i didn't start a conspiracy theory about the basketball having a microchip in it i accepted it i brought shame on my family and i embraced it as i always do and i mean listen it was a terrible day i i lost a basketball game to a man who ate one of his own boogers during a presidential debate anyway apparently i was mean to ted and he's very upset um and if history is any indication he's so upset that means he'll be watching my car this weekend so i look forward to that in other government weasel news governor ron desantis of florida this guy he signed a new law that will fine social media companies if they remove anyone who's running for office in his state according this law which they know won't hold up banning a candidate from your platform would result in fines of up to 250 000 a day gee i wonder who lives in florida and is banned from twitter who may have had a tiny hand in this can you think of anyone reggaetron was very proud of his toothless new legislation he made a passionate case for why it kind of had almost nothing to do with donald trump the bill is for everyday floridians this is what we said and it allow any floridian to be able to um to provide uh what what they're doing so um but i think i mean i do think that's another issue that that has been brought to bear when you de-platform the president united states but you let ayatollah khomeini talk about killing jews that is wrong the ayatollah died in 1989 by the way and uh 17 years before twitter but he corrected that on twitter but we get around you know how when you go on a road trip and you have to stop to pee at some like sketchy gas station in the middle of nowhere and the toilet seat has like a swastika carved into it for some reason you think why would anyone take the time and even touch to carve in anything into a toilet seat let alone something horrible like a swastika anyway florida is that toilet seat you know there's a lot of nonsense going on and much of it can be traced back to mar-a-lardo this is an ad that has been running on newsmax and it's just it's so brazen one could almost call it magnificent biden is falling down on the job badly we cannot allow our country to be destroyed and that's what's happening president trump is fighting to elect america first republicans to stop biden's disastrous policies and he needs your help send your money to donald j trump.com that's right send the billionaire your money dummies he wants it he's not even bothering to like send a worthless commemorative coin in exchange anymore just send your money to my web last week on his website he bragged about how his jet was being overhauled and repainted and how everyone will get to see it at his rallies that are coming up and gee i wonder who's paying for that donald trump is the personal injury attorney of former presidents and he's multiplying he's got many trumps all over the place now marjorie taylor greene last week she was complaining about being required to wear a mask on the floor of the house and in an interview compared it to the victims of nazi germany having to wear yellow stars during the holocaust and of course most of her fellow republicans in congress said nothing about it until i guess they got some pressure from the jewish community that they couldn't ignore anymore and today five days later senate minority leader mitch mcconnell said that her comments were reprehensible and house minority leaner kevin mccarthy put out a statement he wrote marjorie is wrong and her intentional decision to compare the horrors of the holocaust with wearing masks is appalling the holocaust is the greatest atrocity committed in history the fact that this needs to be stated today is deeply troubling okay good start at a time when the jewish people face increased violence and threats anti-semitism is on the rise in the democrat party and is completely ignored by speaker nancy pelosi oh you were so close you couldn't help yourself though could you you had to gop in the pool and bring it back to nancy pelosi this marjorie taylor green seems to be very focused on nazis someone dug this up this is from june of last year she was speaking at a city council meeting and made a strong defense of statues honoring both hitler and satan we're seeing situations where christopher columbus george washington abraham lincoln all kinds of statues are being attacked and it seems to be just a an effort to take down history and whether i see a statue that may be something that i would fully disagree with like adolf hitler maybe a statue of satan himself i would not want to say take it down but again it's so that i could tell my children and teach others about who these people are what they did and and what they may be about right that's the way to learn about history you build the statue and you take your children to it that's how i learned about rocky balboa it's it's a teaching moment someone should build a statue of satan right outside her house that way she can she can explain to her kids what who mommy is and she's one of the few people that makes you think twice about the first amendment and in happier news i want to congratulate the team at fox 4 news in dallas they are winners of our occasional award for excellence in reporting the vax and scratch program also starts today anyone who gets vaccinated at a state-run site in new york this week will get a free scratch off the jackoff jackpot for the mega multi multiplayer lottery is five million dollars yeah well that's dumb all right you know a lot of states are offering prizes now if you get vaccinated you get a prize or a hamburger or a beer or something here in california there's an unexpected side effect of the pandemic people have stopped having kids here they were currently experiencing what they call a baby bust california will have 50 000 less births this year than last year experts believe it may have something to do with us being fat disgusting slobs all year and um and it's a problem you know if we don't have babies and you know it's not going to be impact us now but in 20 years who's going to clog the 405 between 5 a.m and 2 p.m and then again from 208 to midnight something has to be done first of all usc needs to change their mascot right they can't be the trojans anymore it's not the right message part of the issue is that people haven't been going out they haven't been mingling but it's starting to happen half the residents here in la county are vaccinated fully half of all states in the u.s have now vaccinated half of their residents if you want to know which ones have not uh look at just check ted nugent's tour schedule they're all on there but as we begin to emerge from our coveted cocoons sales of grooming products have gone up deodorant condoms and teeth whitener are suddenly in high demand did people not know we could still see their teeth on zoom calls i don't know but alarm clock sales doubled in april last year i mean we didn't need alarm clock last year our alarm clocks were waking up to a message from netflix making sure we're still alive all in all things are looking up and every week we like to look back to the way things were exactly a year ago it's that magical time once again it was we turned back the clock to one year ago this week in a new edition of this week in covet history this week in covet history as we close may 2020 the president continues to lead the way the fair way [Music] whoopsie sorry your v penis joe biden did a campaign ad saying how dare he play golf when so many people have this virus the president said i'm trying to send a message that we can do this safely leading the way is important and certainly the president trying to do that sometimes is on the golf course most times it's on the golf course what's this breaking news joe biden makes his first public appearance wearing a mask vice president biden wearing a mask as we mentioned he's wearing a mask he was wearing a face mask it's mask hysteria he didn't need to wear it biden like anybody else wearing a mask looked ridiculous it is a bit peculiar that in his basement right next to his wife he's not wearing a mask i thought it was very unusual that he had one on and what does the masked bandit have to say for himself president trump retweeted a photo of you wearing it he's trying to belittle you for wearing a mask he's a fool an absolute fool mr b is the fool we know that the maps really aren't doing any good we're telling people that i'm a sheep and i'll do whatever the government tells me to do there's a man we can trust one who surely won't be forced to step down from his job in disgrace as we close the week a new movement takes to the streets and president trump says count me in mega loves the black people he always says the white thing this has been this week in covet history it's all real if you like that video click subscribe and we'll be together until one of us dies

Channel: Jimmy Kimmel Live

Views: 3,672,284

Keywords: jimmy, jimmy kimmel, jimmy kimmel live, late night, talk show, funny, comedic, comedy, clip, comedian, mean tweets, Pandemic, Coronavirus, COVID-19, Social Distancing, Quarantine, Monologue, Ted Cruz, Twitter Fight, Tweet, Senator, Blobfish Classic, Ron DeSantis, Social Media, Florida, Donald Trump, Newsmax, MTG, Marjorie Taylor Greene, Republicans, Local News, Vaccine, California, Baby Bust, Netflix, This Week in Covid History

Id: 7wRhMnYvkVw

Length: 12min 59sec (779 seconds)

Published: Wed May 26 2021