30 Minutes of Gabriel Iglesias

a lot of streams of Paso a lot has changed one thing's for sure I'm still the fluffy guy and I say full of because that is the politically correct term for those of you that don't remember I used to say that there were five levels of madness reason why I say used to say is because now there are six I'm at the new one in Las Cruces the original five levels are big healthy husky fluffy and damn people ask what could be bigger than diet the new levels called oh hell [Applause] what's the difference you're still willing to work with level five example if you're on an elevator and you're with your friend and this really big guy gets on and you and your friend look at each other and you're like dude but you still let the big guy ride your elevator that's the difference level six you see walking towards your elevator that's the difference the guy that I met was six foot eight six hundred and fourteen pounds and he was offended at my show not by anything that I said but because of the fact that now at the shows I started selling t-shirts and apparently I didn't have his size keep in mind I go all the way up to 5x on the t-shirts and he was like you don't have my size I was like dude I didn't know they made you I have up to 5x I don't have a picture of a dinosaur on the back of the tag enough I had to tell you guys Trevor Noah has been on the road with my Athena and I for like I said the last 4 months and I he's like he's a great friend and a funny funny man and any of the stories you guys might have heard about us in the past and the practical jokes they've all been true especially when a new guy shows up you know Trevor's a cool dude you guys but we couldn't wait to have fun with him so let me tell you a quick story we were doing a show in a city called Eagle Pass in the state of Texas now that's something he knows in the house what's up you far from home coño so anyway we're doing a show out in Eagle Pass Texas now I have a friend of mine named Rick Gutierrez who's also a comic who was on last season who lives in San Antonio Texas which is about an hour or so away from Eagle Pass he bought a new car and he drove from Eagle Pass I'm sorry from San Antonio to Eagle Pass to meet up with us for a show that night after the show was over he says hey man he goes you want to leave a little bit early and we'll take my car and you can drive it and the guys can catch up with us tomorrow in the tour bus so I'm like cool let's take off so I tell my teen and Trevor and the rest of the guys I'll see you guys tomorrow night I'm leaving with Rick so we get in Rick's car and I get to drive we head it to San Antonio about 30 minutes into the drive we start seeing flashing lights on the side of the freeway and then a big sign that comes up and it says immigration checkpoint ahead don't worry this story ends differently so anyways I still get nervous you know I'm driving and I pull up to the line I'm sitting and I'm just I'm just waiting for the officer to say something that's gonna annoy the hell out of me so I'm just waiting and here comes the officer and when he saw me he said Oh and when I heard that in my mind I was like I'm not going to jail so do what are you doing here I said well we have a show tomorrow night in San Antonio we're just passing through where's your tour bus I said well my tour bus is back in Eagle Pass with the other guys because can we take a picture I go what about you no cars coming goes there hasn't been a car here in hours so we get out of the car we take some pictures with the immigration officer in the bog you know we get back inside he says thank you so much for taking the picture with me I really appreciate it man we're just bored right now I will really you guys are bored yeah we're bored I said well my tour bus is gonna be past and through here in about two hours and I says we have a new guy on the bus was from South Africa and he's he's been bragging about his immigration status and how he never has problems with customs or immigration because all of his paperwork is always an order I'm just saying you know if you're bored next morning you guys I get a text from Trevor okay you see how cool and calm he is that takes sounded mad I just look at and it said you're a dick I couldn't get to Trevor fast enough to hear the story right so my Depina and I we pull up to the theater and he and he already told me in the car they do Trevor's man I'm like I see traveling like Prairie okay and he just went off Gabriel it was insanity I tell you it was insanity they pulled me off the tool bus like I was a common criminal I wasn't wearing any pants they took away my passport my cell phone all of my money they stuck me in a jail cell with other criminals don't you have anything to say I said dude you said you wanted to be black Crocodile Hunter I give him I give him a lot of love a lot of credit but you know people go it's such a loss to the nature community you know he taught us so much about nature and I got Madeline I heard this lady on TV saying that he taught us a lot about nature and it was like no he don't really teach a lot about nature if you want to learn about nature you watch Discovery Channel or one of these you know nature programs where they have a guy on safari and he's studying from afar crooked a hundred and all come on every episode hey all you doing look over there right there it's a tiger and Tiger weighs 800 pounds and it could kill a man in ten seconds I'm gonna touch it [Music] boy he's anger next episode yeah that's a king cobra the most venomous snork and all the playing go on boy no I'm dead I'm gonna pick it up if he really wanted people to think he was out there man America we should have borrowed him and sent him to Iraq with no gun just a camera crew you imagine how bad that would have freaked out the enemy you know you're freaking a soldier working for al-qaeda and you're out there you know oh good good people came to me to get the food and he's walking towards him wearing shorts no good food go the parolee can and he's walking up to him I look over there that's an arcade of Mumbai there rackin soldier one of the most dangerous creatures in all the planet one push of a button and I'm gone I'm gonna poke him with a stick [Applause] but this is great man we've just been touring going all over the place and it feels good to be somewhere for this long yeah usually it's just what you know every day we're going somewhere like Vegas was the last stop right for the big fight yeah oh yeah we were there for that fight either me or Nadia I gotta tell you guys something though for me the most entertaining thing about that fight was was the interviews the interviews leading up to the big fight you know especially the ones in Spanish because the interviews in Spanish those guys get down here I mean it's intense the guy comes out estamos aqui on ESPN des portes estamos con Canelo Canelo please por favor como vas la pelea contra Mayweather and then Canelo sounded hardcore and cool and bad he's like well no Mira la we're gonna kill you look at the work on letter H I gotta pee so he's have a Maria oh my god it was like such an intense interview and I wish they would let the guy just do interviews in Spanish do not make a guy who does not speak English well do interviews in English because in English she doesn't sound intimidating at all hey over here with our Canelo Alvarez for ESPN sports Canelo can you tell us what's gonna happen what's your strategy against Mayweather [Applause] when I ain't going to hit him like this and then I'm going to hit him like this and he's going to come on so the circus mccurdy going to fall and a tan tan is like a since you're quite be aficionado here what can people do to spice up their life toys hey come on you can only go so far with what you got hey yogi when it yogi but he says toys he doesn't me like transformers he's like and he's like bringing stuff to the room your relationship looks fairly fresh it looks like you guys just got together you're still touching each other which is really cool but not everybody's at night and not everybody can handle toys no no no not every what everybody's not everybody's ready for toys no no no but if you are you know it doesn't hurt to go to the shop like you took me to the sex shop the other day [Music] [Applause] tell me dirty like him let me tell you guys what happened okay I did not take him to a sex shop okay the sex shop just happened to be in the same parking lot as his restaurant we went to go eat it okay here's what happened we went to go eat at this place it was amazing we walk outside and I'm starved Martine stuff and he goes ain't look what's next door oh yeah big deal dude you know it's this place in Dallas Texas called condom cents which is an amazing catchy name for a you know a place like that here I mean and I goes let's go check it out I go dude I'm good bro and he goes man it's freaking hot and I go oh let's get in the car in the car wouldn't start and we're freaking burning up so I'm like I bet you anything there's good a/c in that you know in that shop let's go over there and I get closer and I start getting recognized in the wind I'm like I'm not going in there my peoples come on go with me like on great so we walk inside and as soon as we walk into this shop that freakin little sensor at the board you know in my head I hear pervert yogi I wasn't feeling it on IR you know why I don't need anybody taking pictures of me in this type of place so I tell my PA per I'm out I'll be outside and he goes come on broke up with me I said dude man this is not cool then this guy leans over the counter and he sees my teen and I stand in there and he goes get in here you're chill get any air it's a party couples only and I'm like oh my god might think he thinks were gay I said I'm going outside and then my teen yells at me go with me and I'm like great he's yelling at me that makes me the [ __ ] now I'm stuck now I'm stuck with his smoke we walk into this shop and I'm not about to start walking up to the you know the stuff that's in there next to him so that he can look at it and have the guy think oh that's what he's gonna use on the big guy he'll know so like my Athene go do your thing and I just went to go find some neutral corner to just hang out and and it might be funny by the way bro when you're looking at toys he kills me he does it just look at it go yeah I want that he actually takes the time to grab something turn it around take off his glasses and read what it does like medication over for he reads it now oh this one only takes two batteries right meanwhile I'm in this other part of the store where they sell these uh I don't even want to call them toys they're more like tools yogi like straight up like devices you know I saw some stuff in this store you guys that I'm like why would anyone physically try to do that to themselves you know like one thing I saw was from the floor about this high and I'm like why who could handle something like that it didn't even have batteries it didn't have a cord for the wall this sucker had a string on the side one of those you know ladies we don't have that we don't have that we can't go to the house tonight babe you ready you ready hold on here we go [Applause] [Music] you can't get it started you gotta call a friend to come jump you a year ago I got to do a movie called Magic Mike and I couldn't really promote it cuz you know well not for kids anyway you know hey kids go tell your parents to take you to see you if that fool Pacino yeah so I couldn't do that and then you know a few months later I went from an r-rated film about male strippers to a Disney film called planes and to do yeah to do a Disney film you guys is amazing because you cannot work for a bigger company than Disney you know you work for Disney no seriously you work for Disney it's like a relationship because before I work for Disney no one wanted to work with me now all of a sudden you get a hold of a good one and everyone is calling you know Nickelodeon was calling Fox and sports and in Cartoon Network and Disney makes you feel very comfortable they let you know right away Gabriel you have nothing to worry about Disney is going to take really good care of your really good care of you and then nickelodeon called and said we'll do things Disney won't I was like whoa hello Nickelodeon so there I go cheating on business go to Nickelodeon Studios in Burbank because they want to pitch me a cartoon and to get a show pitch to you is very different than auditioning I walk in and the director comes out and she was really cool she's like let me just cut to the chase this is a special cartoon here in Nickelodeon it's about a little toy car this toy car has a bunch of other little friends that are also toy cars each toy car has its own individual personality there's the happy car there's sad car there's crazy car and one of these toy cars we need to be a little different and in Hollywood when they say different they mean Mexican that's that's what they don't ever tell you that because there's a little politically incorrect you know we want you to play it no no no so what they do is they give you a series of suggestive words to let you know the type of direction they want you to take a certain character so they walked me into a sound room they closed the door they put me in front of a podium with a microphone and a script and they gave me the headphones I'd put them on and then the director goes behind the glass and she starts to talk to me through a PA system and she's like okay listen Gabriel if you could just read the top line we're gonna figure this character out and they were gonna take it from there okay whatever your attic so the line that I'm supposed to read is hey guys I can't believe we're all here so I'm like I got this here we go I don't this is Gabriel Iglesias take one hey guys I can't believe that we're all here okay listen that's really good really really good if you could just do me a favor and give me a little spice that would be super as soon as I heard her say spice I'm like oh my god they want me to play it like a gardener now I realize I messed up so I'm like ah here we go this is Gabriel let's just take two hey guys I cannot believe that we are all here okay listen you sound really unenthusiastic if you could do me a favor and give me more energy and double the spice I'm talking muy caliente okay whenever you're ready this is Gabriel Iglesias take three okay listen we know you do sound effects in your show can you give us a sound effect for a toy car I'm like toy car I got this no problem here we go can you put spice on that they want me to put an accent on a sound effect I'm frustrated I don't know what to do I'm like I don't know room can you give us anything else I am so frustrated I'm so annoyed I'm so ready to walk I just grab the microphone and I do this just as I'm about to take off my headphones she looks at me she says perfect Disneyland I love Disneyland but they're not fluffy friendly you're not man they care about safety you know it sucks cuz I can have a one bar one bar I'm cool but now they got the whole you know you're fluffy one of those is not gonna lock your try people are in line you'll get once I might to the trip on my buddy Monde all right big guy another big guy and I went with him cuz his family you know they decided to go and he didn't want to be the only one hanging up by the stores so we're hanging out at the end of the day my buddy mondo goes dude we should get on a ride I go which one we can't get on another do or - there he goes there's a ride here at Disney man it's called Splash Mountain I go what is that he goes just a log and you get inside the log and it goes uphill Goes Down makes a splash no seat belt no cool bar you just get in and go no shita no so we get in line for all pumped up and I see people getting off the ride with these little note cards I go what are those he goes oh they take a photo of you when you go downhill okay cool so we get to the front of the line and then we have to deal with the lady with the headset the lady who takes you drive way too serious okay how many people for up to here to here how many five okay three there to there we go to the front how many people who cares we get our own boat right we take off we're splishing and splashing like little kids three minutes go by the moment of truth we get to the hill right [Music] [Applause] my buddy mondo turns around he says dude let's flash the camera I said you're stupid soon as a little rich we are soaking wet we go to buy the picture and there's a lady behind the counter with her hand on the screen and I asked my buddy mondo I said bro what port are we he says when you do discovering 22 goes all we better sneak out of here oh yeah we're gonna sneak out we get past the picture girl but then we get stopped like Disney security and you have not lived until you've been stopped by a freaky man wearing a badge in the shape of a mouse this guy was like hold on a second man move your hand away from the screen you guys see what I see here that's a disgrace to this spark we can't believe anyone could take such a photo my question to you guys do you recognize the two big women in this picture [Applause] and it wasn't until we walked over to this photo that my buddy Armando and I realized something about ourselves and that is that when two full-grown fluffy men are going downhill at a 45 degree angle let no shirts on going like this we both look like sexy [ __ ] how do you come up with your material Gabriel how do you come up with the things you're gonna say things happen to me and then I instead of just going to a shrink or something I suck it up and I come up here like when I did the joke about the frickin Volkswagen I really used to own a Volkswagen I didn't just go let me see if this is funny I had a book sayin no I lived it people go why do you wear Hawaiian shirts I've always worn Hawaiian shirts bottom line is simple why do I wear them because they fit they're colorful and I'm sorry when you wear a Hawaiian shirt and you're living in the ghetto people don't think you're up to no good you're not a gang member wearing a Hawaiian shirt nobody's gonna take you serious you know were you from Honolulu you can't be hard and colorful no way man I believe me I've had my encounters I had a little encounter one time on a plane some guy was getting a little weird uh-uh no more from me every time I get on a plane there's always drama always one time I'm flying to Florida and our plane got hit by lightning uh-huh the plane dropped 600 feet straight down that's better than any ride you've ever been on I don't care who you are you could have been freaking doing 20 years in prison you killed a hundred people you can be the baddest toughest dude ever when you're in a plane and it just drops out of the sky I was gay for five seconds all the brought back Mexican yes I was I don't mind I love you guys trust me you guys make it possible for me to have an incredible life and take care of my family look I'm all for it not a problem trust me right now it's so crazy cuz I'm still adjusting to people walking up to me I'm checking into the hotel and they already knew me which is crazy I go like ah hi I'm checking in here's your key sir but we know it's you sir I think that's awesome I needed that like six years ago one time I was trying to check into a hotel in Chicago at one o'clock in the morning because I missed my flight nobody's at the front desk just a little bell and a sign that said ring for service so there I am all of a sudden I heard this [Applause] [Music] okay what's your name my name is Gabriel Iglesias yes yes okay okay vgl no no it's the girls just with an eye what but you're Iglesias you lazy lazy it's delicious for an iron whatever you say is your damn name okay you know it's bad for you oh this is my grandmama need to be a honey you go smoking okay I found you in the system I got you for two nights full size bed non-smoking I requested a queen-size bed and you would have got a queen if you'd have been here yesterday but it's tomorrow and you're looking I'm talking to you this is what I am what's the ice and salt I need a bigger bed grab a seat is Nacho Libre is tripping oh yeah drinking here in town you gotta be careful oh man cuz some people can handle alcohol you know who you are so people can you have no clue guys especially you know how it goes we get loaded we turn into one of three people right we're either the I love you guy I hate you guy or the mere guy you know the guy right I know cuz that's me oh my god I can't handle alcohol people when they get drunk they say things they don't mean and you know what I'm drunk you hear something like I'm going running you better cut me off oh hell yeah man and when I drink I only drink like regular alcohol I don't do beer beer just doesn't know beer makes me talk to my bunny I don't like that I get drunk on beer I get weird [Music] [Applause] I was saying you just gotta be careful you know and if you're gonna drink and you're thinking about driving don't do it and all it's not a good idea cuz like I say you know when you're drunk you know when you're drunk you're doing laps in the parking lot you can't find the exit hello some of you make it out to the streets you don't want you're drunk you're like you know you know if you hear if you hear the magical sound one of two things will pop on your head either one I'm okay I'm fine I can eat this or two I gotta let you go babe I wanna go to jail again if you can make the police laugh you have a chance if you do get pulled over for drunk okay pull over as slowly and as safely as you can get over here now if you know for a fact that you are gonna go to jail okay you ready I'm gone have a little fun I don't mean take off in a high-speed pursuit do that cuz you're not gonna get very far I mean if you're drunk you know you're gonna go to jail hell and you have tinted windows have a little extra fun take off your seatbelt jump over to the passenger side throw your seatbelt back on and just wait for the cop [Applause] you have no idea how bad you're gonna throw his hands off you guys he's gonna come over to the driver's side with a flashlight you're sitting there and he was here a second ago I don't know he went what mid-drive oh hell no [ __ ] up [Applause]

Channel: undefined

Views: 3,332,418

Rating: 4.8806686 out of 5

Keywords: gabriel iglesias, best of gabriel iglesias, stand up comedy, gabriel fluffy iglesias, fluffy, comedy, jokes, funny, iglesias with an i, trevor noah, five level of fatness, spanish interview, crocodile hunter, voices, driving, toys, gabriel iglesias martin, gabriel iglesias full, funny jokes, stand up revolution, laugh planet, 2020, gabriel iglesias snoop dogg, mexican, comedian

Id: qiXYw9zTIHo

Length: 30min 37sec (1837 seconds)

Published: Sun May 24 2020