Tom Segura Answers the Internet's Weirdest Questions

all right hey hi I'm Tom Segura I'm going to answer the Internet all right if you could have any two people fight in a no-rules cage match who would you choose we'll choose like like Brock lesner and what's that little gymnast yeah just be funny fucking-a I should do that answer again I would like to see Garth Brooks take on 30 UFC fighters because I know he would murder each and every one of them like he has countless fans would you rather throw up every time someone says McDonald's or wear a fedora for the rest of your life and if anybody asks about it you have to sincerely say I just like the way it looks [ __ ] that no way every guy that wears a fedora is a piece of [ __ ] starting with Bert Kreischer he's the worst he wears a dumb [ __ ] hat and no shirt on every show and is this gonna actually work like it's gonna for a year but like how long can you do your I mean the sleeveless shirts already with [ __ ] lariat like a blade come on put the [ __ ] put a shirt on if there were stats available for every aspect of your life what three stats would you want to see dude you don't want to see any of them it's all bad I mean like how many salads if I had single digits man how many hours of sleep two hours a night single [ __ ] digits okay but less than five I would want to see how much water I drink in a day I think it's like I averaged probably three and a half gallons a day how many times I've jerked off it's probably sad it's yeah way less than how many times have had sex how many [ __ ] hours I've wasted watching adult video content would you rather live in a world where everyone but you is male or female what do you mean that is the world Oh everybody is just one gender you get you get to say now I mean I'd take it for a ride sure like if everybody's female they have one option right yeah might as well get in there see what you can do and then like what about what i reproduce are they all gonna be they're all gonna come out female 2 I could just leave because there's so many right you could just be like it'd be like Viking village [ __ ] where you just like [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] and then be like I gotta go then you just leave yeah I don't know wouldn't you do that wait what would you do hey no I wish the world was all guys and then I would be in a fight like I can't wait to have this [ __ ] be out of me by a world of MIT no [ __ ] that how much money would it take for you to not know how to read hundred million I mean I would just be like hey you read this right I have a hundred million dollars here's a thousand dollars read this [ __ ] to me right hey you know how I pay you start writing [ __ ] isn't that the answer yeah more than a hundred million I'll put you on [ __ ] salary Jesus Christ don't don't you have interns here hey Denny you guys want to be my reader like you can come with me cool places get the [ __ ] out of this building and then just reach it and I'll be like hey thanks for reading that here's a sandwich you've been put in charge of running heck the afterlife for people not evil enough for hell what's the first torture you design oh yeah I just have them waiting a lot of lines you know like lines are kind of the worst thing and you know what I would have I would make it so that the the waiting line that they're in has a bunch of other people having public speaker phone and FaceTime conversations so they're just sitting there and they're like well everyone shut the fire it was like now we got to keep talking so like it just like just makes them crazy that everyone would shut up you know yeah that's that's what Garth Brooks is gonna stop with one day if your bellybutton was a real button and you could push it once a day to make anything happen what would it do right now it kind of works as a fart machine is that not an option I could make it do anything I mean quarters are always nice to have you know like if you like this and like on that quarter comes out yeah I mean I'm always looking for quarters dude all right six quarters come out I go like this howl and then six quarters I vomit six quarters would you rather walk in on your dad having sex with a dog or a dog having sex with your dad Jesus Christ I'd rather think I'd rather see my dad [ __ ] a dog you know then to see a dog mounting my dad like and my dad kind of look up with that like like hey buddy and I'd be like who are you talking to you know like if he [ __ ] a dog I'd be like yeah we all got our thing you know right you're like dad loves to come - all right would you rather every time you come it comes out of your mouth or it's two-liter bottles worth I got to tell you I already do about two liter bottle driven I come buckets it is absolutely revolting and exciting - whoever's on the other side of it like I it's not an impressive piece of equipment but if you want to see a lot of jizz any interns what thank you very much

Channel: Answer the Internet

Views: 2,915,849

Keywords: Tom Segura, Tom Segura Stand Up, Tom Segura Comedy, Two Bears, Tom Segura Podcast, internet, entertainment, answer the internet, barstool answer the internet, kfc barstool, feitelberg barstool, feits barstool, feits, feitelberg, john feitelberg, hypotheticals, weird hypotheticals, dumb questions, weird questions, tom segura, comedy, stand up, ati, ati barstool, stand up comedy

Id: hjxVH9Wr45Y

Length: 7min 3sec (423 seconds)

Published: Tue Apr 02 2019

Reddit Comments

[u/BlackKnivesMatter]

Ted is starting to look like Burt

[u/Natura70]

Tom will fuck ya good lol

[u/saxguy9345]

Bucket Champ

[u/nouakchott1]

He really did put most of the weight back on. That's too bad :/

[u/[deleted]]

Buckets