T.J. Miller - The Most American Invention Ever Made

it is it is fine to describe women as young that's fine it's a very good adjective it's a great descriptor you know look at all those young women selling girl-scout cookies good for them young business women in the making but it is not okay to repeat the word young twice you can't do that you can't be like look at all those young young women but it doesn't work with boys either you know looking at playing soccer look at all those young young boys some girl doesn't even work if you bookend it you can't say it at the end either you know you can't be like look at all those young boys playing young that's even weirder you know I mean my favorite American historical figure is George Washington Carver you know George rush and carve reinvented over a hundred things the most important thing that he invented was peanut buttery you guys know peanut butter it's one of the great culinary treasures of the Western world if you invented peanut butter would you keep his secret would you just for a week your own little secret treat not even tell your wife I would you know it's why it's like George you want me to bring the jelly sandwiches down to your workshop no no Martha that's okay I don't know if her name was Martha but neither do you now I know Martha that's okay just leave them right outside you sure you know I'm gonna bring the jelly sandwiches down to your workshop and watch you invent bow-wow no no Moffat just leave them outside and I'll eat them without adding anything to them at all certainly nothing that would immediately antiquate the idea of jelly sandwiches but I like to think that like every well he's a great inventor and every great inventor is in a great relationship and like any great relationship there has to exist transparency because the more things you keep from your partner you know the more obstacles there are to Ultem and intimacy you can't reach ultimate intimacy the ultimate impotency you can reach I've reached it many many a time you can't you know everybody's looking for ultimate intimacy and that can only happen through ultimate transparency so I like to think that Mars at one point could tell you know she was Georgia Hans something for me I know it I could see in the eyes what's the secret tell me George this is a safe place and she's mad but you got to admit guys if a woman's mad the best get-out-of-jail-free card is that you've just invented peanut butter I mean that's you know he's just Martha I know you're upset but please come into the kitchen I want to introduce you to a little friend of mine his name's peanut butter not literally that would be super weird if you came in and there was a small man and he was like so it's a figurative I know out dwarf friend Phillip Baker goes by PB but that's literally a hundred peanut butter once you see this in the kitchen and you know as she's yelling at him to George the damn fool you're trying to make butter out of something hard what do you have two variations one smooth and creamy the other one with chunky peanut Senate each equally delicious and I you know he didn't even have to say anything he just slowly pushed a peanut butter and jelly sandwich into her mouth and then she just came just Oh [Applause] have you guys seen this you seen this this is a V on natural mineral water okay and it's in a facial spray and moisturizes refreshes and tons which effectively makes it the most American product on the market chronically imported from France I mean you know there's people all over the world that are dying because they can't get a cleanliness or civ water and in America we're like sometimes we like it on the outside oh sure when they're thirsty we put it inside brother sounds like Safari jungle time yeah so I bought that for the joke obviously I'm a political comedian and um you know I don't know I then I started to use it because it's really quite refreshing and moisturizes and it tones I'm serious and like many things in my life the comedy began to bleed in the reality and the reality began to bleed in the comedy and vice versa and also the inverse so I started using it even outside of that one one place I used it and you can do this too you can buy this is you know when somebody's you know they're texting while they're talking to you they're not even listening to you you know they're just the whole time they're like yeah definitely but they lift their head up so it looks like they're looking yeah no definitely absolutely of course yeah yeah so what I do you can do this too is there just pull out one of these bad boys as soon as they go into their phone I just pull this out and do one of these [Applause] [Applause] [Applause] and then when they look up I just go we got to get out of here we gotta get out ladies and gentlemen my name is CJ Miller I'm from the United States of America appreciate it Denver Mile High till I died 303 [Applause]

Channel: Just For Laughs

Views: 966,109

Rating: 4.8508053 out of 5

Keywords: Just for laughs, jfl, just for laugh, just for laughs youtube, youtube just for laughs, funny comedy, comedian, stand up, stand up youtube, standup youtube, standup, stand up comedian, stand up comedians, funny, laugh, laughs, comedy, joke, humor, tj miller, tj miller stand up, tj miller jfl, tj miller just for laughs, tj miller silicon valley, tj miller deadpool, tj miller peanut butter, tj miller evian spray, tj miller water spray, T.J. Miller The Most American Invention Ever Made

Id: 8OeQ8qfLcFw

Length: 6min 34sec (394 seconds)

Published: Wed Dec 04 2019