but before all that a lot of horrible things have happened this week I don't know why I guess we're just lucky everyone is still talking about America's Sweetheart Christopher Dorner [Applause] police were finally able to stop donors rampage last week after that cornered him in a cabin in Big Bear ironically cups were already in the area shooting up a cabin full of Asian women [Laughter] [Applause] it's a more big news Pope Benedict announced he's stepping down at the end of the month yeah when asked what he'll miss most about being Pope Benedict replied that's a tough one I love the hats but I'm gonna have to go with keeping condoms out of Africa I mean well you guys have heard of aids right all right everybody put your head between your legs and kiss your ass good-bye North Korea pissed off the entire world last week by testing yet another nuclear bomb this brings North Korea one step closer to a full-scale nuclear bomb that we will drop on North Korea now this is kind of tragic mark balelo one of the stars of ane storage wars committed suicide last week by leaving his car running with the garage door closed when police open the garage they found well you'll just have to watch this week's scores you can't stop progress the city of Memphis is changing the name of a park named after Ku Klux Klan founder Nathan Bedford Forrest oh I'm sorry I was waiting for your applause the city has spent years debating a name change but this isn't the first time Bedford Forrest has left people hanging let's get into this one a gun shop in Detroit has agreed to stop selling targets that look like Osama bin Laden after meeting with members of the Council of American Islamic relations instead the store will now sell targets that look like members of the Council of American Islamic and finally I'm sure you heard about this last week singer Chris Brown totaled his Porsche 911 in Beverly Hills this comes as no surprise to me Chris Brown loves that car and now this is crazy a woman in Australia attacked her boyfriend assaulted his mother and then smashed his television after she caught him masturbating in the shower which could sound like an overreaction but it was a baby shower taste the rainbow for the first time ever gay soldiers and their partners will be buried together in Arlington National Cemetery but before you get too excited you should know it's a wall they're still alive last week country singer Mindy Macready shot her dog and then herself and what police are calling a horrible tragedy followed by a suicide here's a fun fact for you guys according to a new study the leading cause of death for children in America is accidents yeah coming in a close second accidents police are on the lookout for a Native American man who's been throwing semen on two female shoppers in a New Mexico Walmart on the bright side the women can now legally claim to be 1/16 Cherokee they can get to any college they want here's some more math investigators say that Newtown shooter Adam Lanza may have been trying to outdo the death toll of Norwegian mass killer Anders Breivik yeah but ultimately brave ik beat Lanza 77 226 77 226 yeah talk about a massacre let's get into this one X porn star Scarlet Rouge has been accused of murdering her boyfriend detectives don't have much to go on but they believe the name of the suspects first pet was scarlet and she grew up on Rouge Road everybody bow down to the RO in Georgia a death row inmate with an IQ of 70 was granted a last-minute stay of execution after the governor decided it would be irresponsible to execute the smartest person in Georgia and finally a beer named albino rhino has been discontinued after an albino woman filed a human rights complaint white people problems everyone's still laughing about this one last week a hot-air balloon crash in Egypt killed 19 tourists 19 people are dead but on the plus side a bunch of lucky guys got out of proposing here she is Miss Teen Delaware was forced to give up a crown this week after her porn video surfaced online but there's another happy ending she was just offered a quarter of a million dollar contract by youporn which just goes to show you when God closes a door he opens up a browser window let's put a face on this story last week a woman in Boston received one of the world's first successful face transplants and she looks great in fact the only downside is constantly having to tell people she's actually not Mindy Macready that'll do Pig the conservative watchdog group 1 Million Moms is upset at a Geico commercial featuring a pig on a date with a woman their biggest complaint the pig torments the Million Moms with it's unobtainable body image that's no moon actress Carrie Fisher was recently hospitalized after a bipolar episode on a cruise ship reps for fishers say she's sad that it happened but happy that it happened I don't I don't think we talked about porn yet a man in Michigan says that he was robbed of over $7,000 worth of vintage porn $7,000 but can you really put a price on watching people give each other aids hey here's some news from the world of porn Joe Francis the founder of the Girls Gone Wild video franchise filed for bankruptcy last week I know right devastating the girls gone wild franchise is now 16 years old but Francis claims he has a release that says it's a teen let's get into this one in Florida at a building for the online College Full Sail University a student yelled racial slurs at a black classmate and then stabbed him with a screwdriver thus answering the question what does it take to get kicked out of Full Sail University dan finally Bobby Brown has been sentenced to 55 days in jail for a DUI Sam Bobby said that normally he would never drive drunk but he was in a hurry to meet Whitney Houston Thank You everybody that's my monologue good night [Applause] thank you you guys are great crowd I don't usually do monologue encores but what the hell plus I'm almost positive we haven't talked about porn yet after open heart surgery porn star ron jeremy has been given the okay to have sex again yeah and his female co-stars are thrilled to have him back too in fact you can see it all over their faces believe it or not Justin Bieber was booed at his concert in London last week stage yeah hear that boo after he took the stage two hours later than a scheduled time but in his defense uh sure takes forever to [Applause] you guys bleep that [Applause] come on do I have to come up there I will all over the place I'm doing science scientists say astronauts traveling to Mars should line the walls of their spacecraft with their own feces to protect against space radiation that is crazy smear your own feces on the wall really does protect against cosmic rays I think embassy suites OHS amanda Bynes an apology [Applause] check out those bunny horns playboy is launching a Hebrew language edition of their men's magazine all the models will be Israeli and all their turn-ons will be negotiating for more turn on now let's get into this one the state of Hawaii has just passed the Steven Tyler act which protects celebrities from the paparazzi after embarrassing photos were taken of Tyler and his girlfriend at the beach house she was on the beach and he was resting on his stick under a heat lamp eating crickets I don't know what to think about this one a transgender and then they fight her who was born a man has set her sights on fighting in the UFC she says she has no advantage over naturally born women except for the fact that she's reasonable you know that's what they're like guys it's so different here's a joke here's a joke for the whole family the director of the video for the classic Fuji song killing me softly is on trial for impregnating three of his daughters to create a pure bloodline yeah that is terrible now I have that song stuck in my head now this story is just cute enough actress Alyson Hannigan has taken out a restraining order against a stalker who's been threatening to kill her of course handing in his best known for How I Met Your Mother American Pie and living at 1442 Lombardo I've West Hollywood California and finally stay classy a man in San Diego has been charged with assaulting a woman he met through a Christian dating website it's like the old saying goes when you see one set of footprints that's when I was raping you huge story right out of the gate Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth have ended their engagement yeah so great news for all you guys out there that love Miley Cyrus Liam Hemsworth is available welcome if you gottem last week a man was caught in a grocery store in California in a bathroom reading a pornographic magazine while smoking marijuana laced with cocaine and and being accompanied by a small child police are still baffled by what it takes to get this man off [Music] don't let me get you down a company in Pittsburgh has developed a new line of dolls called dolls for downs that has the same characteristics as children with Down syndrome the dolls have been very popular although for some reason people keep canceling their orders during the first trimester now where am i painful add the papal conclave has elected their new pope Pope Francis from Argentina he's the first pope ever from South America and the 266 the gay Pope swing batter batter last week a little league in Illinois raffled off an ar-15 assault rifle to raise money for the teams great news if your favorite part of baseball is watching kids get picked off now I don't know what the thing about this one last week Taylor Swift stopped by a Nebraska hospital to pay a visit to one of her biggest fans a 10 year old cancer patient little girl was thrilled to meet her idol in person and since it's something she'll remember for as short as she lives fill her up in Israel President Obama's limo broke down when someone filled it with unleaded fuel instead of diesel you know if we all drove electric cars this wouldn't have happened because the president would never set foot in the Middle East again [Applause] how romantic two teenagers in Steubenville Ohio were sentenced to just three years after being found guilty of raping a girl while she was passed out drunk they actually could have gotten six years in prison but they weren't pirating music as to jokes back-to-back with a message I'm not gonna see that anywhere else real G's role in Cylons like lasagna little Wayne has been released from the hospital a week after being treated for a suspected codeine overdose the rapper says he plans to one day write about the experience either here or here here's some more face tattoo news from my demographic a man known as the human billboard is now having second thoughts about allowing companies to tattoo their names on his face he's also hoping that one day he'll have a third thought being town a politician in Boston has been accused of screaming at a special-needs child at a local restaurant although in his defense he just wanted to know how the boy liked them apples hut-hut in a move to reduce concussions the NFL will no longer allow ball carriers to lower their helmet to hit a defender former players are saying they can't understand this new rule in response the league said yeah that's why we made it now let's get into this one in a recent interview Katie Holmes says that she may one day become an attorney proving that despite all the adversity she's faced in life Katie Holmes doesn't know the meaning of the word attorney we got a bag check citizens of Saudi Arabia the people who brought us 9/11 will be granted trusted traveler status by Homeland Security yeah now they'll be able to breeze right through security like pilots even if they haven't finished flight school yet and finally this just tickles me Kevin Clash the guy who used to be the voice of Elmo has been accused of giving a teenage boy meth and having sex with him to find all odds he'll still be referred to as that guy who used to be the voice of Elmo [Music] Olympus has fallen last week President Obama named veteran agent Julia Pierson as the first female director of The Secret Service see ladies even the president agrees protection is the woman's responsibility spoiler alert a script from the final season of Breaking Bad was stolen from Bryan Cranston's car last week authorities are now on the lookout for any non-white person discussing Breaking Bad how to love it's rumored that a current NFL player is strongly considering coming out of the closet within the next few months insiders wonder whether the player will be ostracized for being gay or praised for having the courage to quarterback the Patriots to three Superbowl account in Ireland has legalized drinking and driving as long as you drive slowly and stay off the main roads so just like what everyone pretends the law is everything now this is heavy CBS is now requiring its workers to reveal their weight or pay an extra $50 a month for health insurance CBS employees immediately slam the policy as an invasion of privacy and then went back to masturbating to your kids bath time photo [Music] happy birthday a high school student celebrating his 18th birthday was killed by a subway train while trying to cross the tracks on a dare when reached for comment a friend who was with him at the time said ok truth do these seeds go all the way back a Knoxville woman was arrested after she was caught performing oral sex on a man in order to get a better deal on a Cadillac the woman called it an embarrassing mistake while the man called it the Cadillac of negotiation and finally cannon ball TVs newest hit show is splash on ABC where celebrities like Louie Anderson and Kendra Wilkinson learn how to do an Olympic high dive into a pool the show would be perfect except for the fact that the pool has water in it oh snap Louisville basketball player Kevin ware snapped his shin bone during a game last week which means he actually might get his communications degree you might be a redneck Shane Gandy one of the stars of the MTV show buck wild was found dead this week in West Virginia kandi apparently died after leaving a bar with his uncle at 3 a.m. to go four-wheeling in the woods or as it's known in West Virginia natural causes my what big eyes you have at an airport recently actress Amanda Seyfried was mistaken for Lindsay Lohan but Amanda is nice she patiently explained to the person no honey you're Lindsay Lohan the best part of waking up to 13 year old students in Virginia are facing felony charges after they tried to slowly poison their math teacher by putting hand sanitizer in her coffee so let that be a lesson to you you can poison people by adding hand sanitizer laughing after 11-year old boy had his finger bitten off by the family dog the boy's father shot the dog and cut it open to retrieve the finger but doctors couldn't reattach it since then the father's been standing outside the boys hospital room trying to think of some good news and finally hey I'm waddling here a new study shows that overweight pedestrians suffer less severe injuries when they're hit by cars great news for the one overweight guy who walks everywhere what's shakin Michael J Fox has released his very own cupcake in honor of Parkinson's Awareness Month the bakery that made them said he was very hands-on but they still turned out okay who cut one authorities have revealed that Dylan quick the student who stabbed 14 people at a Texas college last week is deaf turns out he was just asking for directions to the library and forgot he was holding a knife can be this one last week it was reported that Rihanna and Chris Brown had broken up after he was spotted holding a waitresses hand at a bar Chris Brown denied that there was anything romantic about the gesture he was just trying to break her hand now let's get into this one a father and son were found shot dead in a utah national park last week police are trying to determine if it was a double suicide or a murder-suicide which means this is the first time a family has ever hoped for a double suicide make me feel good Halle Berry has announced she's pregnant with her second child at the ripe old age of 46 to prepare today Halle bought herself the best-selling book what to Expect When You're Expecting your baby to have Down syndrome wish you were here the body of a 21 year old woman was found in the Grand Canyon last week after she'd been missing since January the body was hard to spot since it blended in with his surroundings I mean she was beautiful now I don't know what to think of booth this one police in Toronto are looking for four obese women who raped a 19 year old boy after promising to drive him home just when he thought things couldn't get any worse for Justin Bieber amen the 27 year old son of mega church pastor Rick Warren committed suicide by shooting himself in the head last week oh yeah suicide is a sin but all the religious instruction this guy received one in one ear and right out there the Carnival Cruise Line is offering rates as low as $38 at night for a Caribbean vacation that includes travel lodging and all-you-can-eat of your own and finally this is scary Spice Girl Mel B was booed by the crowd while acting as a judge on America's Got Talent because she criticized a comedian who made a black joke the crowd thought Mel B was being hypocritical since she herself is a black joke you can do it we can help last week a crazed man tried to cut off his arms by song them both down to the bone in a California Home Depot he actually didn't want to cut off his second arm but if you ever tried getting someone to help you in a Home Depot winter's coming Facebook's a billionaire Sean Parker has reportedly spent nine million dollars on a game of Thrones themed wedding to stay true to the series I'll have a half a million dollar gate a $300,000 dance floor and sex with his sister step right up a Florida a carnival ride operator was arrested last week for spanking the bottom of a young girl as she got on a ride even worse the ride she was getting on was the Florida carnival ride operator what's your plan B Barbra Jean Wilkie the so-called mother of the anti-abortion movement died last week at the age of 90 ironically Wilkie died while vacuuming [Applause] Marco in New York last week a young brother and sister who were reported missing were later found drowned in a neighbor's above-ground pool residents in the surrounding neighborhood are calling the tragedy the unofficial start of summer now everybody's talking about this one last week was the WNBA Draft am i right the top amateur female basketball players in the country found out who's going pro and who's gonna be the tall high school gym teacher and finally vegemite an Australian man who was pinned under car for four days was kept company by his loyal dog boy D who didn't leave his side the entire time despite four days of hearing boy D go get help you piece of bad news a man in California who suffered brain damage when a bouncer smashed his skull and was awarded 58 million dollars in damages or as his lawyer explained to him 1 million dollars now this is great a new study has found that children who live with their grandparents are more likely to be fat because they receive extra treats either that or because the parents are dead now this one is a downer scientists have recently developed a new less invasive test for Down syndrome instead of testing amniotic fluid they just take a sample of the mother's urine and see if it can stay quiet in a movie theater [Applause] here's a stumper Bethany Hamilton who lost her left arm in a shark attack ten years ago is getting married her fiance proposed after asking Bethany's father for her remaining hand in America let's get into this 140 bodies recently went missing from a cemetery in Puerto Rico which means it's finally happened Porto Ricans have run out of things to sting in Florida a man just turned himself in to police for killing a guy after a fight at a strip joint that's right he turned himself in voluntarily and that my friends is why they call it a gentlemen's club and finally let's make it rain with some more strip club news a well-known Houston stripper reportedly twerked so hard that she suffered a miscarriage on stage [Music] not the punchline because in her defense she did tell everybody I don't think you're ready or this joke now this just makes me mad in a recent interview actress Ellen Page said that sexism in Hollywood is constant of course Ellen is best known as the star of Juno where she played that mouthy chick with no tits this this is fascinating a centuries old skull found in Australia maybe from the first white man to ever land on the continent scientists don't know what killed him yet but it was a black guy damn it Jim a hospital in New York is in trouble after doctors began harvesting a dead woman's organs only to have her open her eyes during the operation doctors realized they'd made a mistake when her nose turned red and she made a loud buzzing noise I understand laughing at that joke but you guys have got to be old to clap for it to roll tide a female kindergarten teacher in Alabama has been charged with incest and the rape of an underaged boy or as they call it an Alabama prom here's one there have been reports that survivors of the recent San Francisco plane crash actually stopped to grab their carry-on luggage before exiting the burning plant also some people slid down the emergency slide more than once Christie Harris a woman who was caught earlier this year with the gun in her vagina and meth in her butt has been sentenced to 25 years in prison unfortunately Harris couldn't be reached for comment because she was too busy packing fun fact a new study shows that children start having sex at a younger age if the parents are divorced or to put it another way scientists have discovered stepdads and finally actress Virginia Madsen has been named the new spokesperson for a campaign to raise awareness of dyspareunia a condition that causes painful intercourse she replaces former spokesperson Nathan Lane this is big a Danish woman diagnosed with multiple sclerosis decided to literally run for her life completing 366 marathons in a year doctors say the key to her survival was skipping Boston [Applause] speaking of which the Rolling Stone magazine has been banned by 7-eleven because the cover features a photo of Boston Marathon bomber Dzhokhar tsarnaev so now if you want to see his picture at 7-eleven you'll just have to look at the shrine behind the counter [Applause] now here's a weird one last week a woman in Pennsylvania gave birth to a baby girl the way to whopping 13 pounds 12 ounces yeah the mom says she has a couple of good ideas for the baby's name but at this point she's still torn yeah I got to point out that is a Jeselnik offensive first a joke about a baby where the baby survives now on sad notes Glee star Cory Monteith passed away in a Vancouver hotel last week police say the cause of death was drugs and that the cause of drugs was Glee we can music means last week a couple on their way to a Dave Matthews concert pulled over to pick up a hitchhiker only to discover that it was Dave Matthews himself but the couple said a hitchhiker is a hitchhiker so they killed him talk about clutch after 40 years of not owning a motorcycle because his wife said they were too dangerous a Wyoming man finally bought one and was killed after riding only three miles it sounds to me like his death was a great loss but for his wife the argument was a huge victory now here's one for you entourage fan according to a celebrity event Booker in New York Jeremy Piven will show up at your party for $50,000 or for $75,000 you can get Jeremy Piven to stay home and finally Matt Sandusky the adopted son of Jerry Sandusky is changing his name to distance himself from the convicted pedophile so goodbye Matt Sandusky hello Fernando kid Bangor but first it's been a hell of a week a woman was killed at a Six Flags amusement park when she fell out of a roller coaster called the Texas giant tragically the woman had just bought a souvenir t-shirt that read I survived yeah that is as unexpected that's like 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife now this concerns me last week Beyonce's sister Solange Knowles and now she was cancelling her European concert tour for mental health reasons no said she knew it was time to take a break when she started hallucinating that she had a European tour I love this police in Japan are looking for a man who killed five people and then left a haiku poem next to the scene of the crime they're searching for him trying to find a pattern too soft wings of cranes that's a beautiful joke I don't know what to think about this one last week the city of Detroit filed for bankruptcy it became obvious Detroit was in trouble when it offered to suck Chicago's you should be applauding that was also a beautiful joke now this is cool there's a new vending machine in airports that automatically pours you a cup of coffee if you yawn while standing in front of it yeah but if you need help yawning the machine will tell you about this new vending machine in airports automatic or through a coffee if you yawn in front of them here's a little something for the ladies an adult toy company has invented a vibrating bicycle seat that allows women to masturbate while they ride yeah I know I know you ladies have been one that the device turns on when you touch a control pad and it turns off when you crash into a car and finally a student at USC has filed a federal complaint after university police told her she wasn't raped because her attacker didn't orgasm the man who attacked her was invited to the hearing but again he didn't come last weekend Cleveland kidnapping victim Amanda berry made her first public appearance at an Ellie concert yeah Berry said she became a fan of the rapper after ten years of getting hot in there and taking off all her clothes [Applause] yeah that's uh that's actually a pretty harsh joke on I'm sorry Nellie how did you guys hear about this police in Los Angeles fired tear gas at hundreds of rioters after they went on a rampage following a surfing competition yeah cops arrested eight people and hanged 10 Seventeen magazine is in trouble after a published an article that promotes online dating among teens some say it could make it easier for teen girls to meet older men while others say exactly now this is crazy in Arkansas a paralyzed man who had recently adopted a dog woke up to find the dog had eaten one of his testicles but doctors are hoping they can reattach it if they can just get the dog to drop the ball come on boy drop the ball drop it the truth is out there officials in Missouri believe the state may have been attacked by aliens after finding a number of dead cows with their tongues utters anuses and vaginas missing yeah either that or someone was making hot dogs and finally last week a man in North Carolina was arrested for beating his girlfriend with a pizza yeah the police report didn't mention what kind of pizza but the domestic violence was authentic Italian a high-powered New York advertising executive died after plummeting from a 17th story balcony police still aren't sure if it was a suicide or the opening sequence of madness wolf call here uh sure five-year-old son was rushed to the hospital last week after nearly drowning in the star's backyard pool again of course the real question is why I sure even has a pool when you can just go swimming in his eyes [Music] tsa officials are concerned that terrorists may start using a liquid explosive that turns clothing into airplane bombs or as al Qaeda calls it Project Runway [Applause] here's a cool one last week Japan sent the world's first ever robot astronaut to the International Space Station to provide company for humans in space experts are calling it one small step for man one giant opportunity for a guy to get his dick stuck in a robot last week an emotional moment when Chelsea Handler cried on TV after she found out her grandfather fought for the Nazis in World War two but she lightened up when her came out dressed as Hitler now here's a tip here's a tip for you guys a new study said the riding your bike to work lowers the risk of diabetes so if you want to avoid diabetes all you have to do is get two DUIs now I don't know what to think about this one Scottish scientists have designed a computer that tells sexist jokes yeah it finally did it in response feminists have vowed to destroy the mysterious talking numbers box that's mean to women and finally MTV is shooting a new reality show about virgins yeah in order to maintain the cast members virginity MTV will shoot it in their mouths over bachelor contestant Gia allemand died last week after she committed suicide by hanging yeah I'm shocked finally one of those dumb learned how to tie the knot breaking news former CNN anchor Soledad O'Brien is moving to the al Jazeera America Network yeah it won't be that big a transition though all she has to do differently is remember to smile every time she says 9/11 now this is great a new iPhone app tells you if you're good in bed by tracking thrusts duration and noise levels and there's another app that tells you if you're bad in bed by checking to see if you downloaded the first guy I can't believe this last week in Detroit a cop who was ordering bulletproof vests accidentally emailed the female officers bra sizes to everyone in the department a spokesman is calling it a big mistake or in the case of Staff Sergeant Sheila Washington a huge it's a smart joke pop culture in the house Jennifer Aniston reportedly changed her flight to London to avoid flying on the same plane as Angelina Jolie yeah that and a bunch of kids screaming in nineteen different language basketball news rumors are surfacing that Lamar Odom may have cheated on his wife Khloe Kardashian by having an affair with two women but Odom just laughed it off saying the reports are false and that his wife commonly gets mistaken for two women and finally in India a three-month-old baby has burst into flames four times as a result of spontaneous combustion the baby's Hindu doctors now believe that in the previous life he may have been a trick birthday Kim Lewis Gerstner the third the son of a former IBM CEO died last week when he choked while eating a steak dinner in a restaurant Gersten leaves behind a wife two children and most of his garlic mashed potatoes now everyone's talking about this dr. Phil caused controversy last week when he tweeted if a girl is drunk is it okay to have sex with her even worse later he tweeted it wasn't okay now this is scary robbers in Nevada posed as Mormon missionaries to get into a man's house talked about religion for five minutes then beat him up the victim was okay but said that next time he'd prefer they skip straight to the beating now this is interesting new research reveals that 1 in 10 car accidents is caused by drivers whose flip-flops get caught underneath the brake pedal yeah this according to the Center for the Study of Matthew McConaughey now I don't know what to think about this one a self-proclaimed Ghostbuster was arrested in China after he charged a woman three thousand dollars to remove a ghost from her vagina using his penis after detectives unraveled the scheme it turns out the ghost was the old caretakers penis the whole top jenkies and finally former New England Patriot Aaron Hernandez was formally indicted for murder last week Hernandez appeared in court wearing an orange prison jumpsuit or as he calls it his away uniform and that was a great monologue
Did he call you a bitch? Did he call you a cunt? No? Then he didn’t hear it from me.
This guys tickles me with his words