Three Little Pigs Like You've Never Heard Before. John Branyan

family is another proof that God has a sense of humor I think marriage had to be a joke had to be the whole idea marriage has just had to be a joke man and woman imagine God saying to the angels hey come here look at this what I did it's a man and a woman to put him down they're two entirely different creatures different sensibilities different ways of processing things emotional levels they're not alike in any way and I'm gonna make them spend the rest of their lives together [Music] he started with man first you know the story he made man first and then he took a rib from that man and made woman and clearly that was the rib that we used to use to read minds so what's our the humor in your life all right don't be don't be hung up and and correct and tolerant just just have fun it's not fun there's comedy everywhere we don't communicate very well anymore in this culture that's the problem too we used to be able to communicate we used to have words some of you old people remember words remember those kids you don't know what we're talking about but there was there was an alphabet and you could take letters from the alphabet and arrange them in certain ways to form these things called words and those could be used to communicate ideas and now we just text people things emojis I got a I got an emoji from my kids a couple of months ago and it was just a smiley face and explosion and a pile of poop with eyes in it that meant happy birthday dad but it wasn't always that way used to be we had words we have communicate I did some research William Shakespeare William Shakespeare had an active vocabulary of 54,000 words 54,000 today in the United States we all of us have an active vocabulary of 3,000 words which is why when we read Shakespeare were lost for what light through yonder we're pong wouldn't break it and just put in a DVD I don't I don't pay for Netflix oh you kids could sit there and read [Music] and I started thinking about little kids in the 16th century those kids had a bigger vocabulary than I have now as an adult because they were exposed to that language which means I am not smart enough to read fairytales to 16th century children I'd be lost in the kids section at the library in the 16th century can you imagine what their books were like be like in time passed on not long ago there lived pigs and stature little in number 3 who being of an age both entitled and inspired to seek their fortune did set about to do thusly when they had traveled a distance pigna but first spake saying Hawken brethren heed this tempestuous realm Terry we long from hop and we shall fare I fear not well and so being collectively agreed but individually impelled the diminutive swine set about each to erect for himself and abode pigna but first it construct his house from straw pig numbered second did likewise though rather not from straw instead from six meanwhile unique in his imagining people number three the directors his domicile stalwart and garish a structure made from brick entirely ah but soon there happened along as is frequently the scenario and classic tale of protagonist pig or red hooded child a wolf carnivorous nature in full season he called out to the straw ensconced swine saying braid a little peg grant me entrance but pick one recalled with sage foreboding that he is mad who trusts in the tameness of a belly pinned to this most expected response to the wolf replied immediately then steal thyself little pig forthwith shall I endeavor in Blowing means both huffing and puffing to dismantle yon slipping flexin fortress whereupon there issued forth from the wolf an exhale of Gale proportions that quickly rendered straw hovel to dregs and dross and carried aloft piglet and shattered quarters both expose now to claw and Fang piglet one made haste wolf in pursuit to the stick festooned sanctum of peccaries secondary causing peak to to cry out in dismay well this nots my knickers the marshalling of feral wolf to my doorstep is nowhere among those endeavors amenable or congenial a Thousand pardons big one it would seem the beasts painful breath hath purged me of home and sound judgmental like the malevolent blasts of the wolf's exhale splattered second swine jackets shortest sanctimonious calling simultaneously lo and behold squealed to stand we now amid wooden wreckage tremulous and vulnerable with nary a strategy for a shoeing the canine devour deadly proximity Santa cheeks flame one while tis noble the contemplation of tactical particularity 'he's pressed as we are with time restraints forbidding detail strategical conversation i would urge we run [Music] whether by their own fleet-footed competence or the wolf's winless attitude the Bantam porkers arrived that their ultimate kindred neighbors in expungeable brick ingress unscathed upon the third Pig store with urgent hooves they pounded calling our unbox entrancing with haste we beseech thee the third Pig hailed from the American colonies it was possessing a vocabulary substantially less robust than his impromptu visitors replied say why [Music] sanctuary they implored on the verge of hysteria lest we fall forthwith to the ravenous epitaxy of younger approaching carnivore still confounded by their important at words pig 3 did render a jaw his portal whereupon one and two spilled through and collapsed beyond his threshold innervated so y'all just wanted to come in why didn't you say that yes of the wolf could be heard pray thee pigs grant to me entrance the wolf said one and two wolf said three would you suppose he wants he seeks to gain purchase within indeed he would occupy this very alcove where he but afforded the most meager of opportunity right reg and I'll just ask him what he wants circumstances squeal - flinging self against portal there is not to be gained a costing external opponent save our own immediate demise what did you say about my mama house and occupants who are den engulfed in a malevolent blast of wolfish wind the foundation shook the frame rattled and low to the astonished eyes of piglets and encroaching scoundrel alike stood the third pigs lodging undaunted aghast and befuddled - queried of three how does against such relentless and torrential onslaught this domicile endure Pig 3 puffed out chest tapped a hoof to the hearth and responded it's American made [Applause] [Music] [Applause] hey did you know Drybar comedy has its own app no you didn't don't lie they do here it is you can download it right now and watch my whole special

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 4,723,427

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, John Branyan, John Branyan Dry Bar Comedy, John Branyan Comedy, John Branyan Comedian, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedians, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Dry Bar Full Show, Three Little Pigs, Fairy Tale, nursery rhyme, big bad wolf, huff and puff, brick house

Id: l_UegL1R3X8

Length: 9min 29sec (569 seconds)

Published: Mon Jul 06 2020