Matt Rife: Only Fans (FULL SPECIAL)

hey what's up guys i'm matt rife and maybe you  guys know me from mtv nbc the tfil overnight   channel on youtube or maybe you've seen me  do stand up sometime in the last 11 years   i've been doing stand-up comedy ever since i  was 15 years old that's a little over 10 years   ago and it's taken me that long to realize  that nobody is going to hand you [ __ ]   and if you want to do something sometimes  you have to just do it on your own   and that's exactly what we did for this special  i called in all the favors for my very talented   friends and support my fans and followers around  the world we made this happen we made a special   produced by us directed by us for the fans  by the fans because nobody believed in us   nobody wanted to take a chance on this special  no one thought we could do it no one wanted to   put it on their platform so it's here on  youtube for free for you guys and it means   the world to me that you guys are even on this  channel even clicking on the video and i hope   you enjoy it so hit like subscribe share it to  your friends comment your favorite bits below   and i hope you like it please please don't  make me sell my body on only fans i'm close okay what about problematic no toyboy no okay well what do you think i should call it   it doesn't matter what you call it  they're just there to see you naked okay papa all right i gotta go i love  you love you too all right bye bye command we've lost control the engines  bound to crash the lightning strikes went by   do not go gently it's just my luck   you shine my blood down from a thousand  miles i'm falling fast i'm falling fast i okay okay sit down thank you thank you  oh man wow some of y'all didn't stand   you were unsure i get it all right i'll earn it  that's okay how y'all doing y'all good yeah oh   man thank y'all so much for coming  oh you guys uh ready to be offended   don't [ __ ] say that and then go on twitter  afterwards like oh matt has some opinions of   his own and end my [ __ ] career okay just  want to have a good time tonight all right   comedy almost isn't fun okay having to adhere to  everybody's sensitivities since when that [ __ ]   is so new remember like three years ago when  no one gave a [ __ ] about how you felt like   three years ago if you were in public and were  like i don't like a stranger would come up and   be like shut up [ __ ] and punch you in your chest  like ah now i heard on the outside and the inside i feel like we've gotten so sensitive as a society  man we've gotten so soft like fresh out the pool   dick soft that on the fellas understand that you  get out that cold water you don't even recognize   yourself anymore who's dick is this who put a baby  dick on me so i feel like we are as a society man   just on soft it's exhausting so i'm glad we could  all come together for a night of laughter it's   good to see y'all black people good to see y'all  white people sitting in the back how's it feel well you're smiling good i'm glad you're  in a good mood did you say sorry today did you say sorry to a black person today get  your venmo out right now cash out every black   person in here five dollars gets you through  the rest of the [ __ ] we're gonna get these   reparations one way or another okay i'm sorry  it took so long i just got here all right   y'all gotta learn how to take bitcoin or something  but we're going we're gonna figure it out   oh white people been so sorry in 2021 haven't  they oh my god it's been my favorite show   to watch just white people trying to out  woke each other in front of black people   because it'll always start reasonable  and then just gradually get out of hand   like white person number one will start low like  well you know i voted for obama two times in a row   you're like all right solid politics  okay now white person number two has   to top obama so he's like that's crazy i  was just talking about how jesus was black you're like yeah well walked on water probably  couldn't swim my checkout now white person number   three is gonna top obama and black jesus he's  panicking he says some ignorant [ __ ] like well   medea is my favorite franchise you're like gotcha  liar medea is nobody's favorite franchise not even   black people yeah you're a richer i think  they go soul plane than medea movies god it's all this white guilt it's heavy it's starting to feel like alcoholism a little bit   i'm like every room i entered like an  aaa meeting where i got to plead my case   like i have to enter every situation like hey  guys my name is matt just want to introduce   myself let you know i do identify as a  straight white male and everybody's like okay i know i know i'm trash but i would   really appreciate it if you use  my proper pronoun the problem what an uncomfortable time to be a straight  white male it's a tough time for my people for once you know it's you got to know when  to fold them you know i mean we stay in the   game too long we can't be doing that coming  back to haunt us hard rightfully so it's   just uncomfortable because to be a straight white  male in 2021 you're kind of guilty by association   aren't you which is a shitty place to be if  you didn't do anything like i just turned 25.   i just got here you know what i mean like i didn't  do anything i'm a new white like give me a chance   give me a chance to wipe my  wrongs you know what i mean like just want to sing along to  some songs you know what i mean just give me a chance it was it's  not my fault it's not like i made   the conscious decision to be  born a straight white male i probably would have historically speaking why  not be on a winning team you know what i mean   but i didn't get to choose it  wasn't my decision therefore i can't   i can't apologize for it that'd be weird and  you don't have to that's the thing you don't   have to apologize for it just be a decent  [ __ ] human being is that too much to ask listen to the sound of white guilt oh music to my ears don't have to apologize for it  and i and i won't i'll apologize for being born   a straight white male when lebron james  apologizes for being six foot nine   didn't choose this life just  happened to be born that way right   and they both have their own set of perks don't  they like sure he can do a [ __ ] windmill   360 dunk and i can raise my voice to the police  so it's a given to take you know what i mean like   i'd love to yeah i'm on a [ __ ] but i  guess i'll just get out of this ticket gotta choose your superpower man  life ain't fair for everybody okay make white people uncomfortable i'm so happy to be shooting this in la i love l.a love it because i'm not from here so i  have perspective um i'm actually from ohio   yeah that's right that's that that  felt as welcoming as it should have   man if you've never been to ohio you you don't  got them you absolutely don't i don't care who   died there send an email okay you do not have to  go it's so trash oh my god i'm not even from like   a fun part of ohio i didn't get like cleveland  or cincinnati nothing fun i'm from the middle of   nowhere like hour west of columbus surrounded  by corn fields country the sticks we call it   population like 1500 people like the kind of small  town where like the gas stations also the grocery   store you know me [ __ ] get some sandwiches  and some diesel you here why not save a trip   my hometown was so country man we used to have uh  we used to have drive your tractor to school day   swear to god you guys remember school spirit  week well like every day of the week would   have a theme to it like pajama day or twin day  we would have one day in that week when like the   rich kids will pull up and just [ __ ] flex on us  john deere style and the women in my school would   just get wet like oh my lord he's got land because  that's all people cared about where i was from   was [ __ ] farming like you didn't need eight  inches if you had eight acres like that was that was the biggest flex you could come with you  couldn't compete with a farmer if he's plowing   land he could plow your [ __ ] straight up like  there's just nothing you could do nothing you   could do but it's the type of small town where  like life just kind of dissipates you know what   i mean like everyone lives the exact same life  timeline like you you you go to high school   you get pregnant then you graduate maybe and then  you get a job get married and so on so but then   you die in his hometown it's depressing nothing to  do there's nothing to do for fun there everybody   just drinks and does drugs but not cool like  we do it you know theirs is because they're sad so depressing man i didn't realize drugs were  as big of a problem when i was living there but   apparently it's gotten worse um i found out about  three four weeks ago this kid who i went to school   with he's like two grades older than me we didn't  know each other too well there's only like 300   people in a school so we kind of know each other  found out like three or four weeks ago this kid um   od'd from heroin in this town at his job the same  job he got when we were in high school he lived   and died there and obviously the whole town got  together and they mourn the loss of their dealer no guys don't get weird okay there was no  there's a silver lining moment the whole   town i swear to god they started to go  fund me and they raised enough money so   that they could get him a memorial bench  at his favorite park which i thought was   a really sweet momento you know to provide  other people seating to do their heroine i've never done heroin but i  imagine you want to sit down okay whatever you guys don't know him okay  i'm just giving you a little perspective that   i could have been a bench okay but i'm not nothing like where i'm from  it's so weird i'm good-looking i don't like it any more than you guys  do okay this is not good for comedy okay   and it's so weird for me my looks are so  confusing to me because you guys haven't known   me my entire life so you have no context of this  but this [ __ ] just happened puberty hit me so   disrespectfully late i was ugly as [ __ ] for the  first 22 years of my life i was so ugly for so   long if i would have been on wayfair they would  have returned me immediately like i was so ugly now don't oh okay i spent the first 22 years  of my life building a personality for what you think i need to be funny now no it's  a [ __ ] waste of my time to be honest   it's gotten me nowhere oh and it's so weird because when  you spend so much of your life as   one thing and then you're drastically changing  to something else overnight it [ __ ] with you   emotionally like i still it's still  so new to me that i don't quite   grasp it it doesn't i don't see myself that  way like i know i look like every [ __ ] boy   ever but i do identify as an ugly person so i  i think that does technically make me trans um   trans handsome transom uh we wait till we get  our bathrooms there's gonna be all mirrors   bunch of pretty people doing cocaine  it's gonna be dope and y'all can't come it's so weird man it's such a drastic  lifestyle change too because people   treat you so differently nobody likes attractive  people right you assume their lives are easier   like there's no sympathy for pretty people  at all which is another thing you guys might   not know about me is i have clinical  depression and an anxiety disorder and   you guys are just waiting for the punchline that's  how [ __ ] up it is then i that i could come up   here and vent to y'all basically being like help  and y'all like get your cute ass out of here   and it's not funny awesome okay it's so weird  there's no sympathy for pretty people no one   gives a [ __ ] how sad you are if you have high  cheekbones at all people act like i don't have   any problems at all i could be crying my  eyes out in bed and people are just like   what could you possibly be so upset about huh  i bet you're just swimming in [ __ ] it's like   yeah but you know what i'm not swimming  in self-confidence security believe it   or not someone who listens to me i can't even hang  myself because my jawline will cut the [ __ ] rope and i'm just on the ground handsome even if i did die it's got to be an open casket   like god damn he looks good in a suit that's  really nice blue is his color that is nice there's no sympathy for pretty  people you guys are lucky count your blessings ugo's [ __ ] ain't sweet up  here either okay everybody's dealing with [ __ ] i just want you to remember that remember that  next time you're in bed having the worst day   crying your eyes out your friends are by  your bedside of blowing up your phone like   oh my god are you okay is there anything we  can do to make you feel better what's wrong   just remember it means you're ugly i don't make up the rules okay i'm sorry if  you were cute they'd be like get up [ __ ]   we're going to the club three milly rocks be  right back to it no problem but rules are rules it's weird because it's given me um  it's giving me the perspective of   not judging people based on how they look i'm  a big fan of that that's why i like the masks love it you don't know who's ugly with a mask on  do you it's kind of a fun game to play isn't it   just walking through the grocery store like  does this [ __ ] have a beak like you don't know   you don't know what people's situations are  you got to get to know him before you can judge   like you wouldn't be able to just assume i'm a  douchebag if i have my mask on you'd have no basis   i could walk into any starbucks  with my mask on they would just   think i'm any random lesbian you  know i mean i could be anybody could be anybody going like what's your  name like matt they're like you are so brave and the code to your bathroom is forcing man the masks made it so hard  to holler at people didn't it   because you don't know what sixty percent of their  face looks like that [ __ ] was so dangerous you   ever talked to somebody for a while you're like i  gotta know you gotta come up with some like cute   clever way to get them to pull their mask down  say some dumb [ __ ] like have you smiled today   you smile you look like you have accused me give  me a smile real quick and you've been chatting   forever and she's been all eyes and she's like  i don't know i guess i could give you a little   oh god damn it oh my god i talked to you  for an hour i gave you my time i had no idea but i like i'm a big fan of not  judging people based on how they look   because if there's one thing we all have  in common every single person in this room   everybody's going through something right  everybody in here is dealing with some   [ __ ] that nobody else has any idea about i go  through [ __ ] all the time because i have no clue   one thing you might not know is uh i have terrible  luck bad random [ __ ] happens to me all the time and uh i'll tell you an incredibly  embarrassing and humbling story i need a moment she's thirsty uh last year i had to have surgery on my nipples they're fine now you can stop looking last year i  ended up developing this freak medical condition   like this [ __ ] is so rare it only happens  to like 12 year old boys and 80 year old men   and somehow i'm both like it's so rare my  doctor looked me in my eyes and was like   i don't know why this happened to you i was like  first of all i'm up here second don't not give me   an answer okay it's not very professional it was  this freak condition that was causing the breast   tissue um the breast tissue under my pecs that  bench about two eighty five eight to ten reps   that's neither here nor there uh it was causing  the breast tissue to grow incongruently under my   nipples now before your imaginations start running  [ __ ] wild let me shut that down right now okay   whatever image you're drawing up in your head  get it out of there it wasn't anything drastic   at all if you had never seen me shirtless  before you would never even know the difference   but you know your body right if something's off  just the littlest but you notice it more than   anybody else ever would so it was it was just  messing with me mentally like i wasn't i wasn't   comfortable in my own skin i wasn't comfortable  taking my shirt off my instagram was suffering   starts messing with business you gotta  get checked out so i go to the doctor   and he's like yeah you got it i'm like  up so what what do we what do we do   and he explains to me it's actually an  irreversible condition meaning it'll never   just go away you can't take medicine for  it you have to have it surgically removed   from your body i was like all right man what's  what's the damage on something like that   and he explains to me that this surgery is  going to be nine thousand dollars nine racks   out of pocket mind you because technically it's  cosmetic it's not life-threatening so insurance   doesn't cover it nine thousand dollars in the  middle of the pandemic which i don't know how much   you guys know about stand-up comedy but this is  the first time i've been inside in like two years   man i've been performing in pickup trucks and  kmart parking lots money has not been good to me   i definitely didn't have nine thousand dollars  to drop on something that wasn't gonna kill me   breast implants are ten thousand dollars so if  you think my life is just oh so easy and i have   no problems at all you go home and you think about  the dilemma that i had to sit with by myself every   night leading up to this like god damn am i about  to drop 9 dollars on something that's ultimately   cosmetic and really only affects how i feel about  myself and whoever it is that i'm intimate with do i drop ten thousand dollars get these titties  and clean up at the women's olympics are you   kidding me if i go full transition it is over  for you [ __ ] i don't even run track and field   i'm placing bronze guaranteed okay i'm a decent  looking dude but i'm a bad [ __ ] straight up didn't need to tell you all that i don't have a sponsorship somebody gonna buy this a white  cloth would be like yeah 60 gram   i'm gonna be like it's all here bro i don't know  nothing i'll let you suck one for 30 seconds that was weird um when i got this chin i thought things will be different  i thought things would be easier   i thought dating would be easier no maybe  it's me i'm i'm very picky i'm so hard to date   i have such a specific type i i predominantly  only date older women just personal preference   like late 30s early 40s oh my god such a sweet  spot oh well not ones who sit in the back this [ __ ] is a woman from her  handicap spot in the parking lot i also don't know if you match the criteria  it's got to be late 30s early 40s man   because women are kind of like cap'n crunch right  like they're the best right before they're gross [ __ ] y'all that's a solid cereal joke okay  because if you [ __ ] with captain crunch   if you [ __ ] with captain crunch you know  it's a very fine window if it tears your   mouth up and it's oatmeal okay it's a very  fine line it's like 42. apparently who knew   some of y'all not laughing  because you sitting there with   some grits and that's fine that's  snitch on yourself if you want to maybe a little brown sugar in  the front row put your dash on that's how you holler no verbal  communication needed i knew what that meant   yeah older women are so dope man sometimes  i got kids which means they got snacks i'm so easy man i can't cook at all i'll [ __ ]  you for a lunchable that's a fact i'm so easy are   you kidding me if you have a crock pot i will shut  [ __ ] down to the best of my ability i don't know   i don't know who you were dating before me or  what they were doing but i don't want to make   false promises because sex is hard it is ladies y'all have it so easy   never heard that before i fully believe i fully  believe women have sex so much easier than men one hoe in the back just like yeah it just  opens up it's crazy it just does its own thing dude dudes come out of her [ __ ] like this i think it's so true it's so much less work   all you technically have to do is like you  know i mean like that's all just be punctual   that's your only responsibility is to be on time  because we will start without you that's the only   requirement do you really do you realize as a man  like there's a certain level of excitement i have   to get and i have to maintain this excitement the  entire time while i'm focusing on a million things   i'm focusing on me i'm focusing on you i'm  switching positions it's a full court press the   entire time you focus on so much that sometimes  sometimes you go quick you [ __ ] leave me hanging   on this right now like i'm the only dude who's at  my special you're gonna disrespect me like this   y'all ain't [ __ ] man oh oh i'm the only  person ever to bust fast hilarious you guys y'all ain't [ __ ] you know that it happens to  the best of us okay there's noises need to be a   big deal be a big problem about it would you be  mad if your food came out early at a restaurant   no you'd be like the chef is killing  it i got all this time for activities i don't come fast i just  respect your schedule okay now you got to take your kids  to school in the morning so sex is hard the build up is fun though   like sexting sexting is the most fun oh my  god dudes love sexting we're so good at it because we're just lying no no it's so easy we lie  so much we talk so much game of what we can't wait   to do to y'all when we see we ain't doing none of  that ever at all like the jk rallying of dick pics   like we just writing fairy tales and [ __ ] we  are never gonna do to y'all ever we set the bar   too high we say crazy stuff like like girl when  i see you i'm gonna put you up against the wall   i'm gonna [ __ ] you in the curtains like  you ain't [ __ ] nobody in the curtains   you've been to my house i got blinds you  only scratched my back up not very practical i lied recently that's how the game goes i was  sectioning with this girl and like i could see   where she was going with it but it was just  rude of her to assume like i was sexting   with this girl she was like i'm only 103 pounds  you could throw me around like i responded as a   dude i was like that's right but on the inside i  was like that's more than you think it is that's fellas back me up on this for all 103.  get the [ __ ] at oh it's nothing it's   it's light work pick me up then how about how  about [ __ ] your lower back how about that   i haven't done a deadlift since 10th grade  now [ __ ] you've got to be leg day now i   gotta [ __ ] you with one of those weight trainer  belts that mexicans wear in the gym for no reason mexicans be in the gym doing all arms got a  whole back brace like why you got jeans on he said some people didn't  like that well it is what it is i know i talk a lot of [ __ ] but i'm the  problem i'm i'm well aware i'm so i'm so picky   i have a lot of red flags that i look for   that's why like the first date's always the  hardest cause you look like you're looking   for things to not like and that's so tough  because there's a lot of [ __ ] i don't like   i'll list a couple of red flags for it feel free  to tell me if i'm out of pocket for not being okay   with some of these things um red flag number  one i don't [ __ ] with girls who go on boats it's whole [ __ ] i feel like a lot of people  in here have been cheated on not on lands that's what it feels but i'm happy  to have your support it's because it's insanity   to me if you live in l.a and you date a hot girl  for long enough at some point this chick will come   to you and say something like babe there's just  this guy a friend of mine who who wants to just   take me and my eight hot girlfriends into  the abyss are you out of your [ __ ] mind   why why stay dry what like  no people get [ __ ] on boats   boats were built for [ __ ] since the beginning  of boats people been [ __ ] on them b-o-a-t   bring out ass and titties it's been in front of  us the whole time it's always been an acronym my girl not getting on no  boats no kayaks no canoes   no no no paddle boats you're not  working up a sweat next to another man   not dealing with that's why women love  titanic so much it's a beautiful story   about a chick who cheats on her man with  a scrub while her boyfriend is on the ship no you say you like boats get  out get out right now get   got big boat energy right now  and i'm not [ __ ] with it so that's the big one um red flag number  two i don't [ __ ] with ouija boards   obviously this only pertains to white women  um and you know what this shouldn't even be   a story that i have to tell but it's been weighing  heavy on my soul lately so i'll i'll let y'all in   a couple of years ago i was doing a  show at a comedy club in hollywood   and i get off stage and this beautiful  girl comes up to me gives me her number   this happens all the time and i'm kidding  um she comes up to me gives me her number   she's beautiful we go our separate ways for  the evening the very next day she texts me   it was like hey i want to come over and i'm  like bet still got it you know what i mean so she comes over i let her in go sit on the  couch and it's me and her on the couch and then my   roommate is down the hall in his room his door's  open you can't see into the living room from his   room he hears all of this he's a witness so we  sit on the couch and for the first two minutes   i'm asking all the questions that guys you  know don't care about um but you don't want   to come across so too eager so we've asked  silly questions like you know you got a   family or yeah those are real ears  you didn't get your ears done like   vague [ __ ] that we don't really care about at  all so we're talking for like two minutes and   then she hits me with yeah um do you have a ouija  board and i'm like i don't even have a headboard nah don't don't got that on me sorry and she goes  well can we go to target and get one i'm like no   i've got disney plus that's what we're doing and  she's not giving up she was like what well can i   make one i'm like what in the demonic charcuterie  are you trying to bring into my home right now   and i'm trying to hit so i'm like yeah sure if  you can find the things in my apartment to make   a ouija board go ahead biggest mistake in my life  this stranger who i just met starts ransacking my   apartment she's opening every cabinet every cover  every closet going through everything i don't   know if you guys ever seen a video of when a deer  accidentally gets inside and this starts hitting   everything like it's never seen walls before but  she's going crazy she finds a couple of markers   to write stuff down she finds this little glass  piece to be like the centerpiece and she's like   that's how hard she's working she's out of breath  she's like we don't have something to make the   board and i was like damn yeah all right guess  we gotta watch monsters inc yeah well she just   sit on down and she goes hold on a second so  she gets up and she goes over the front door   she opens the front door and she goes outside and  my roommate comes down the hallway and it's like and i'm like so he goes over and slams the door  shut behind her i laughed so hard but again   there's a mission at hand it's on my eye stop  playing so i get up i go open the door it's been   four seconds i go i open the door there's  nobody out there she's gone so i'm like hey ashley i'm gonna shut the door and once it's shut it's  gonna stay shut you're gonna be stuck out here i'm serious amanda all right so i go i swing the door and turn  around and straight out of the scary movie   this chick's foot stops it right before it  closes in the frame i was like jesus christ   and here comes this chick lugging in this giant  piece of cardboard i'm like where did you get   that she goes it was just out there [ __ ] no it  wasn't no it was not just out there so she brings   it in she sets it on the coffee table and we boast  it on the couch and i'm i don't know where it came   from i gotta i lift it up it's from the tv box i  threw in the dumpster four days prior this chick   brought garbage back into my home to summon  the devil so you know the sex is gonna be dope she's [ __ ] crazy i'm in i gotta  do it now you know what i mean   i've never smashed a homeless chick before  but she clearly brought all of her things she's like all right you ready to make one and  i'm like i guess yeah so she draws it out and   before i continue does anybody not know what a  ouija board is yes really you really don't know   oh man okay well first of all god bless you you're so naive a ouija board is essentially it's a it's a  toy board that you can get from any store   like walmart or target or whatever it's uh and  people use it to drunk text the dead essentially   that's all it's good for and it's very simple  layout uh it has the the alphabet right here   close center middle of the boards it's where  um the centerpiece is supposed to be guided   by a spirit to spell out certain words to answers  that you ask it so the middle is the alphabet   right corner is no left corner is yes alphabet  left yes no yes alphabet no so she draws the whole   thing up and she's like all right so there's a  couple of rules you have to know when you're gonna   play with a ouija board i was like yeah duh i mean  everybody knows that but uh refresh me again she   was like rule number one you never play with it  by yourself ever all right okay rule number two   you have to remember to say goodbye cause  apparently you can't ghost the ghosts so she's like alright let's play okay so got  our hands on the piece and she's like we gotta   ask it a question all right go ahead she's like  all right um okay is there anybody here with us   and you just hear my roommate down the hallway go  yeah his name is brandon and he [ __ ] lives here like touche pay his rent um which do you no so  she's like all right i asked another question   did anybody die here doesn't  move i'm like this is crazy   well then you asking something i'm like okay um should we go lay down in my room oh oh oh we don't want to piss off the dead do we  she was like you're right so we go lay down   this chick brings the cardboard in the  room with her she sets it at the foot   of the bed like it's a golden retriever  now we're under the covers or doing more   makeshift conversation you know  i'm like you know you got dreams or what's your favorite picture or you know just   vague [ __ ] i don't care about and about like  four or five minutes after this she just knocks   out like not a subtle like i'm starting to feel a  little bit tired like just straight yeah and then like she is slumped and now it's her asleep  me under the covers and i'm staring down   just terrified of this samsung  tv box and all i could think is this [ __ ] didn't say goodbye now i'm terrified up by myself i'm  trying to wake her up i'm like hey hey alison hey great she's asleep now i gotta play with it by myself so i start jerking off and she  wakes up straight out of an exorcism   and i was like what are you doing and  i was like oh god and i swear to god a   spirit left my body and hit her right in the  face it's the craziest thing i could ever see oh god uh i never saw her again i never saw i'm  to this day i'm not convinced she wasn't a ghost   wouldn't surprise me ah that's that's why i can't mess with young people  i really can't she was 25 26 just put off of it   makes me feel so much older dealing with somebody  like that i do feel older i date older women all   my friends are older i [ __ ] hate kids so much  kids [ __ ] suck man oh my god they're so garbage   i don't like young people at all man we just  don't click i'm not on i don't know the apps   that they're on what's the what's the one app like  literally every kid is on it um no amber alert every kid is on aaron brother aren't  they it's like made away looking for   you how many followers you got  enough for a search party i hope see this is hilarious to me because i can  feel the hypocrisy radiating off y'all right   now like i'm the [ __ ] that's adorable okay  when's the last time you got an amber alert on   your phone and your first reaction wasn't  oh [ __ ] how do i turn this off how do i   uh none of y'all like we gotta find these kids  not one person y'all haven't found a kid since   milk is in a carton okay judge me it's a terrible  app it's the worst app it's vague but be on the   lookout for 2015 silver prius like is he in  my uber this is a ride share did i hit pool the alarm's the worst part  by far they haven't changed   the alarm in like 30 years it's still the same i get so mad when that [ __ ] goes off on my phone  i can be standing next to the kidnapper be like   hey is it in the settings i go to general  notification i closed out the wayfarer app do you guys remember that you guys remember  when wayfarer was selling other stuff for any of you guys who might not remember wayfair  the furniture company in 2020 was accused of   allegedly being involved in human trafficking  and we forgave them pretty quick didn't we they   they're killing it their business is booming  right now supply the chairs y'all sitting on   right now so if you could please give a  warm round of applause for our sponsor   bro they came back hot with some deals too  they were like i'm sorry five are bad ten   i was like these the ages of the discounts i  just don't trust you anymore i don't trust you   it was bad man we found out as a people  we hate human trafficking but not as much   as we hate an unfurnished patio am i  right the umbrellas ain't cheap man no it's not funny it's not funny it's very serious  and i do feel very bad for all the families   affected by that obviously feel terrible about  it but i especially feel bad for the dude who   just wanted a desk you know what i mean how many  times have you got the wrong order in the mail now you got to get a crib too  a lot of money out of pocket it's messed up man can't support them don't  don't support wayfair they're terrible not   as bad as ikea but [ __ ] ikea you kidding me  they're way worse ikea needs to come with a   kid just to help put that [ __ ] together that  somebody got to hold these sides bro goddamn   can i go home now i don't know man that's a lot of  leftover pieces you sure you didn't skip any steps there's always so many leftover pieces after  an ikea project isn't there you look at a final   ikea piece like i guess that's it and you find  out you messed up on step 8 of 49 you're like   i guess we just don't have a bottom shelf  it is what it is we'll put tall stuff there guys relax still me remember the dude who's been  telling jokes for 45 minutes still just a joke   this is why comedy is the most frustrating  job in the world it's because this is the   only job in the world that i would have to  reiterate to y'all what i'm doing then i'm   just kidding i don't mean this [ __ ] that comes  out of my mouth rappers don't have to do that   rappers are literally like i [ __ ] your  and killed your family and y'all just like they don't gotta be like i'm just  rapping i'm just rapping y'all   i wouldn't do nothing like that i'm david  you know me i wouldn't do nothing like that so hypocritical man that's the one thing comedians  do have over rappers it's freedom of speech   it's kind of like an unwritten rule in comedy  right like you can joke about messed up stuff   as long as it's funnier than it is messed up  and rappers don't get that kind of leeway it's   not fair like if they admit to a crime  they did on beat they still go to jail   i don't think that's fair respect the artistry  give them a chance okay i think if you can make   a doper song than the charges you're trying  to beat you get to go home i think that's fair   i think that's been all spectrums of crime  too can you imagine ted bundy in court and   they're like you're going to jail forever and  he's like well wait till you hear this [ __ ] it's a little song i call i eat  the [ __ ] up starring j doms cause he's a cannibal ah okay that one was a tough sell that's fine i  understand see if we can get you all back with   something a little bit more level-headed  we can all kind of get on board with um gun control why not right can't be worse  than the wayfarer [ __ ] it is this was way   worse if that one wasn't your [ __ ] buckle  up uh this this is a lot harder one to tackle   gun control is so tricky because i i see  both sides i do understand i i understand   the amendment everyone's right to have a gun  that makes sense to me especially when it   comes to things like protection or providing for  your family that makes sense but the same time everybody every not everybody gets a gun right  that's crazy you all know somebody you're like   this [ __ ] should not have a gun right it's so  easy to be irresponsible with a gun when's the   last time you held a gun and didn't do this [ __ ]  oh oh oh oh oh people freak out every time like no   don't like i wouldn't but would i it's a timeless  bit that [ __ ] has been funny for centuries   i think it's so easy to be  irresponsible with a gun that i think   a simple interim solution would be it just  needs to be a little bit harder to get the gun   that's all i suggest i think there's so many  tears to responsibility you should have to surpass   before you can have a gun that's all i suggest  and i'm not even proposing anything difficult   simple [ __ ] like if you haven't had sex yet  straight up no gun okay that is way too much power   for you how are you gonna pull a trigger before  you've had to pull out like that takes discipline   and i need to see you in a moment of  crisis okay can you handle the power   do you realize if something as simple as that  was implemented if something as simple as   having sex was a requirement for getting  a registered firearm what kind of impact   that would have on the entire problem school  shootings would drop off almost completely   have you ever seen pictures of these kids  who shoot up schools they are so [ __ ]   ugly you kind of get it a little bit like  they weren't [ __ ] there has never been   a handsome school shooter that they were like  ah he was gonna be prom king like never once   never no one has time to write a manifesto and get  [ __ ] that's science okay it's too much detail look i i'm well aware that school shootings is  a very hard thing to try to make funny but we're   gonna try and i feel like i owe the explanation  as like why would i joke about something that's   [ __ ] up and the reason being is it's sort of my  coping mechanism i try to make light of terrible   situations and luckily through humor so that i'm  not sad every [ __ ] day because what's the first   thing you do when you wake up every morning check  your phone right probably get on twitter or some   sort of news yeah you get caught up it doesn't  feel like there's something negative immediately   there's so much negativity in front of our  faces daily that i can't imagine living any   kind of life where i don't have an outlet for that  negativity it just festers inside of me and makes   me a miserable human being if i have an outlet  through humor i'm gonna use it you be miserable   not me now i respect that that's not for everybody  that's not how everybody's brain works like i had   a woman furious one time she stood up in the  middle of a show one time when i was doing some   other school shooting material and she was furious  she stood up and was like you shouldn't do jokes   about school shootings and i was like why she was like because what if it happened to  you what if you lost your kid in a school   shooting incident could you make  jokes about it then and i was like   this [ __ ] this is like context you know what  i mean it's a comedy show clearly everything   i'm saying is hypothetical like i'm not talking  about this in a literal sense especially because   i don't have any [ __ ] kids okay so it's not  something i have to think about on a daily basis   but it's something i had never taken  into consideration so it did [ __ ] me   up a little bit i had to take a step back as a  man and as a comedian and actually ask myself   like it if i lost my kid in a school shooting  incident can i ever make jokes about it   and the answer is yeah it's a hard yes for me okay  that that is for sure how i would heal to that   traumatic experience are you kidding me second of  all it's my kid that's [ __ ] fair game okay there   is no way i'm not killing it at that funeral  like he was never good at hide and seek like   come on man that [ __ ] is too easy bro the kids  don't play the games anymore it's easier targets hashtag bring back hide and seek i like this topic only because it's it creates  such a divide racially between black people   and white people when it comes to the topic  of school shootings because it's usually us   and black people love to joke all the time  they love to be like oh you know it's all   the white kids shooting up all the schools  shooting up the schools a white kids sport i hear that joke all the time shooting  up to school is a white kid's sport it's   funny it's a good joke until you think  about the history of sports because if   i know anything about the history of sports  it's that if white people are good at it now   black people are gonna be way better at it someday somebody gotta be will somebody  gotta come in and change the game some of you are laughing because it's [ __ ]  up and some of you are cause you're like   he's right they're gonna be  faster they're gonna be stronger and canceled that's awesome oh cancel culture we gotta chill out with the cancel culture stuff  we gotta chill out the spectrum is too broad   i don't have time to care about everything  because you make such a big deal about   nothing that it takes all of my attention away  from the stuff we actually should be canceling   and actually should be upset about it's so  frustrating like just pick and choose man   and stop digging up people's old tweets and [ __ ]  straight up i think it's the most bitch-made thing   you could possibly do because i'm a big believer  that as times change people change a lot of time   for the better not always obviously there's  exceptions but a lot of the times like there's   so many examples of it in american history in  and of itself you could look at someone like   malcolm x malcolm x spent 10 years in prison for  robbery and larson got out went on to become a   civil rights activist that literally changed the  [ __ ] world maya angelou used to be a prostitute   went on a big [ __ ] so funny about  that what white [ __ ] in the back laughing at what i read in february huh he laughed like he hit like  you know what i mean god damn she was a prostitute she went on to  become a poet an author another civil   rights activist that again changed the [ __ ]  world chance the rapper used to make good music   his times change people change right not always  feel better i miss acid rap that's all i'm saying   um and the reason i wanted to talk about this  is because it happened to me a few years ago   um somebody who didn't like me went online and  they dug up a bunch of tweets of mine from when   i was 15 years old and when i was 15 years old as  i mentioned i was born and raised in the middle of   bum [ __ ] nowhere ohio like i didn't know [ __ ]  about [ __ ] i couldn't have been more ignorant   and anybody who said they didn't do or say some  [ __ ] when they were 15 years old that they   shouldn't have done or don't regret is a liar okay  that's the time in your life you're supposed to   make mistakes so you learn from them you grow from  them you don't go on to make those same mistakes   when you're a responsible adult yeah so when i was  15 years old i was going back and forth on twitter   with my best friend brendan now brendan and i  have been best friends since preschool four years   old he's my next-door neighbor and brendan also  happened to be black so brendan and i were going   back and forth on twitter one day and this is when  twitter was like the group chat you know i mean   you were just saying crazy [ __ ] in there because  it was just y'all you didn't think anybody's gonna   care eight years later so we were going back and  forth on twitter just roasted each other right he   would say something i would say some he would say  something i would say something and then he said   some [ __ ] that really had me [ __ ] up because  when uh when i was 15 i also had ohio teeth like   i had a big gap in the middle i had little gaps  on the side my teeth were [ __ ] up and brendan   says some [ __ ] like you're the only person i  know who can eat food without opening their mouth and 15 year old me was shook i was like god damn  that's you know that's a finisher right there   so the rose battle was clearly over so i conceded  and i have responded back with a very famous   chief keith lyric at the time from the  song don't like so the conversation went   you're the only person i know who can  eat food without opening their mouth   and i responded [ __ ] um that's that [ __ ]  i don't like now if you're familiar with the   song you would know i had tweeted the  n word in the song lyrics to my friend   and this was incredibly wrong this was ignorant  naive and stupid i wish i had never done it   and when this resurfaced people lost their  [ __ ] mind i'm sorry white people lost their   [ __ ] mind they couldn't believe it they thought  i had just gotten away with being racist for   eight years they were like what you can't say that  you're not black you're not in the car by yourself like they thought i had just found a loophole  in racism and squeaked through the cracks   and black people couldn't believe that i  knew who chief keef was that was the biggest   uproar amongst the black community they're  like he [ __ ] with sosa i had no idea it was instant outrage amongst the whites okay and  this was such an uncomfortable situation because   white people love to be offended for other people  it's our favorite extracurricular activity to be   like oh oh did you did you did you see that  won't you be upset about stuff you didn't you   weren't even initially upset about white people  are like pc gladiators are you not outraged i wasn't now i am and again this is a  very tough position to be put in because   white people have ruined every excuse in the book  to get out of being called a racist they ruined   all of them and fortunately but unfortunately i  fit a massive cliche if you or anybody watching   were to take the slightest glimpse into my  life you wouldn't have to look far at all   you would see that all of my friends are black  all of them there's one there's others i swear all of them are black i have one white  friend and he's russian his name is   vladislav and i don't know how much y'all  know about russians but they're the black   people of white people okay they're so dope so to my naivety i'm trying to state my case to these  strangers online who don't know who i am or know   anything about me because from my perspective  i'm like no like what are you talking about   i'm not racist if you look at the people who  i hold closest in my life the people who mean   more to me than my actual blood family the  people i love most would probably [ __ ] die   for you would see that they're black like what  i did was obviously stupid wrong but i didn't   mean anything malicious by it i would never in my  [ __ ] life mean anybody any hate or harm based   on the color of their skin that's outrageous to  me the most frustrating thing about the entire   experience and arguing with these people online  was that there's still people who don't believe me   this people right now i'm sure watching being  live this is just another white dude trying to   get out of another sticky situation and  i understand that but at the same time   i also don't have to convince  you of a single [ __ ] thing i i know who i am   i know i'm not racist i know how many times  i've jacked up the queen latifah's beauty shop y'all selena oh y'all sleeping man that [ __ ]  is a classic they so goddamn fun in that movie oh so this is when the conversation got  really interesting because the problem   shifted subjects the issue started with a stupid  mistake i made when i was 15 years old and it   shifted to white people now being uncomfortable  with my comfortability with black people like they   were they were very uncomfortable with it they  were saying outrageous [ __ ] they would be like   uh oh i bet you hang out with so many  black people so that you can justify   saying racist [ __ ] like that for real that's  how you think racism and discrimination works   all right bet so if i hate gay people  i'm out here sucking so much dick   just so i can be like oh these homos are  disgusting am i right on top oh my god that's not   how racism and discrimination works i wouldn't  put myself in that situation but they kept going   they got more and more ignorant they're like  oh why do you hang out with so many black   people then huh what do you want to be black  a little bit a little bit is so much cooler   some of the time okay every white person wishes  they were black a little bit any white person   who says they don't is a [ __ ] liar or a cop  okay do not believe that for even a second okay   but the silver lining of all of this is it made  me do so much reflecting like things that i had   never had to put any thought into because  there was such first nature to me i actually   thought about like i had never thought about  why all of my friends are black i had never   thought about why i'm so comfortable with black  people or why i appreciate black people so much   so i did a lot of self-reflecting on it  and the conclusion i came to is that nobody   goes through more [ __ ] and still enjoys life to  the fullest more than black people nobody it's so   impressive to me and it's such a beautiful way  to live your life because everybody's going to   go through [ __ ] but not everybody can bounce  back and still enjoy [ __ ] to the fullest and   i think it's an absolutely incredible way to  live this is going to seem so dramatic but i   need you guys to take it into consideration do  you have any idea what it takes to have this   country literally built on your [ __ ] back  to this day still have to fight to be treated   like a decent human being and still have time to  write a better version of the happy birthday song have you all heard of this it's incredible  they got a drake verse on there it's   incredible step your [ __ ] up white  people you had such a head start it's absolutely amazing at its simplest form it  just comes down to common interest and common   opinion the people who you have in common interest  and opinion those are the people you surround   yourself with those are your real friends those  are your real family the world should not be split   into like oh white people do this black people  do this if you're trying to do something another   culture does you're trying to do something that  you're not like that that divides us that does   not bring us together and it doesn't even need to  be so cut and dry it goes to all aspects of life   comedy is like that i'm supposed to come up  here say some relatable [ __ ] that y'all   probably kind of already thought about we make  it funny now we have that bond together right   but there's still that judgment until we  have that bond like every time i walk on   stage every dude watching is like not i got  nothing in common with this dude he got bangs   like i'm not gonna think he's funny but as soon as  i come up here and say some relatable [ __ ] that   we can agree on like who in here like big titties  all those dudes are like let's give him a chance   see see what these titties are talking about because we're not that [ __ ]  different man stop dividing people   just because you're uneducated or inexperienced  okay that's why you're uncomfortable that's   why you come across as so [ __ ] corny and  that's why you're not invited to the cookout i'll bring the potato salad no i'm just getting  i'll i'll bring chairs it's okay thank you guys   so much my name is matt rife thank you so much you  guys you guys are fantastic get home safe please right as a burning road   and so how do you feel now that you self-produced  your first stand-up special so i would say this   is one that sounds so depressing it's one of the  few things in my career i'm proud of um wasn't trl   wasn't the challenge wild now didn't cut it  sorry black coalition but i had a terrible time i'm happy for everybody who made it happen  because we did this with [ __ ] no budget at   all the camera crew that's around you guys are so  [ __ ] talented work on jobs that i will probably   never book in my life so the fact that they were  friends of mine that wanted to help out with this   um the the sound team the set design like we  did all this [ __ ] there was no like official   production team involved in it movie magic you  guys this is how you guys should see porn sets you

Channel: Matt Rife

Views: 8,683,939

Keywords: matt rife, comedy, dave chappelle, netflix is a joke, standup comedy, comedy special, mtv, comedy central, pete davidson, only fans, funny, chris delia, hilarious, wild n out, bring the funny, viral video, standup, matt riff, depression, drew lynch, netflix, john mulaney, cillian murphy, cancel culture, snl

Id: kzgFwZEAHZQ

Length: 68min 34sec (4114 seconds)

Published: Fri Dec 17 2021

Reddit Comments

[u/Minimum-Sky2305]

sucks

[u/TheLateThagSimmons]

1. This special is fantastic. He killed. A comic in LA forwarded this to me today and I'm really glad I took the time. Well worth it.

2. When did he get this fucking jacked? God. Damn.

I saw him a few years ago in LA and he was just a funny kid. Now he's this ripped grown man.

Ninja edit: Reviewing some of his recent stuff, he hit the gym hard in the past few years, i just lost track. Get it, Matt.

[u/Lightfreeflow]

will give a try

[u/Shwingdom]

Not sure if it's the color correction/makeup like what happened to Tom Segura in Ball Hog v1, but his lips look SUPER red

[u/nihilo503]

Who?