THE SIDEMEN BAKE OFF

baroque boondoggle fastidious sycophant i don't know what any of those words mean but it is rather fitting for what we're going to be doing today ladies and gentlemen this is the sidemen bake-off the show where middle-aged people toss off over baking [Music] morning all i am your host my name is sir thea though the third [Music] now uh okay before we start have any of you taken public transport today please raise your hand if you have taken public transport okay for those of you that raised your hands we're going to need to change your clothes yes i'm very serious okay we cannot be having peasantry in this vicinity i think one of your clothes have touched a commoner it's disgusting please change it i've got spares is this where mine went this ain't even washed mine smells good don't pipe up please but we need to promote the new hoodie shut up i'm richer than you and i'm more [ __ ] relevant theodore's at it you have been blocked you have been virtually blocked do you want to be blocked as well yes he's a monster what is wrong with you huh oh you on benefits now that we've got that sorted i'm going to put you into teams vic josh simon you will be team a so we've won ethan toby harry you shall be team b today we shall be making black people food that's right to lost you guys are going to be making and joel off drumsticks watermelon milkshakes and a penis-shaped cake oh we've got this voice the penis shape cake isn't black it's just i just wanted to see you guys make a peanut shaped cake before we start i'd like to ask you guys some questions team a what does cooking mean to you it means something i don't often do but you eat it people might i'm glad brexit is happening simon i mean definition the preparation of food josh no okay and to team b what inspired you to become chefs just the ability to to experience the world through taste good answer ex exquisite toby i wanted to bridge the gap between hunger and satisfaction both teams you have two hours on your marks where are our stations get ready suck your mom take all of the knives i've got these i took their knives who get their instructions oh my god it's a fire it's a fire thing this is gonna end i'll let go they stole our watermelon or should we split it up so we've got one person to take the chicken drumsticks no but i feel like we need to do it with the you take the jaw off okay the cake we should do the cake first yeah yeah because you have to the cake says bake for 20 minutes the chicken says roast for 45 minutes okay chicken so start with the chicken can i call you teddy no theodore theodore sir the third can i ask who's actually eating this i will be tasting you don't need to wash your hands don't wash your hands then i'll remember this terrible banter the suit looks nice it's disgusting don't touch me don't touch me you think i'm scared of you well you're going to be here for a while if you're going to be doing things like that says i need dark brown sugar what'd you call me what do you wash your hands with just use this i'm not a plate there's nothing else who's got the vinegar what'd you call it wait what was that no no no no no what are you doing it's a gift i don't want your gift he's trying to hit on you try it what is wrong with you sir do not do that you call me sir disgraceful i be careful please be careful remember what happened in the pumpkin challenge ask me if i'm any good at making jollof i'm not no you bet you will be you reckon my mom's going to kill me when she sees this she'll be like i told you this is what i've been preparing you for your whole life right so again four tablespoons of cash as we can see team b are off to a very good start whereas team a do you mind you saw you stealing stuff bickering with each other do you not know how to turn on the cooker no mate i don't like fire there we go you already got it it's not happening it sounds like what does that feel like that it smells like ah noodle do you know i used to know a trick to cut peppers but i don't remember anymore that is the most pointless piece of information sir is our sugar off because this smells like ass it smells very good you can make one of those instagram videos of the sats satisfaction you like that why don't you start cooking already i'm aborting a watermelon stop saying that that's not a thing what yes because look i'm taking out all those babies ethan is a special human being do you know what i think we should do yes yes yes because we look like this we look like chefs we're just gonna be like oh a splash more than that a little bit more and and how about for extra flavor another splash i swear [Music] there's more than i wanted now though you just feel it it's quite flavoring one clover of garlic chopped cheese have you even started have you even shopped yet look i tasted that works that's what you're eating what is that that's your dinner why have you mixed sugar with ketchup then it's right theodore the third [Applause] oh that's pretty pretty [Music] [Laughter] shot one little one dude no no no one what are you doing no no no no no this is your punishment no no no no he's getting killed you need a big knife for garlic this is bear strong look my mouth's really spicy now because you ate garlic stop stop stop you're making a mess okay behave i'm sorry i'm sorry are you a child yeah yeah i'm sorry that was cool is the chicken alive it looks pretty dead to me did it jump out of the box by itself is the floor clean you reckon five second rule wash it wash it and try again where's my sauce going who's on my where is the sauce where is the sauce i need to know where the sauce is they stay stoned at night where are our knives we are the sauce disgraceful [Music] you're clapped bog look what you did to the off-whites i'm fine my off-whites have [ __ ] harry bro it's a kitchen you shook drumstick at me i should drumstick about this at me maybe look outside the kitchen toby did you just move it i hate zombies stop playing games with me man toby i've got eyes on the sauce i've got eyes on the sauce get here all right let's make a cake all right josh just keep that wait we'll stop blend just yes where is that blender how have you guys managed to ruin the kitchen well you're the closest one today i've been kind of watermelon don't don't talk to me brother we ain't use that side no one knows what to do it's quite disappointing how do you get this to work i don't like gas we have an induction hub please i'm not used to this uh this gas appliance this gas is not good shouldn't make like a igniter noise at this point there's no let's try this one maybe try turning it on that's hood that's long it's a theodore turn it on turn it on there we go yeah where we live it's honorable yeah there we go please hit it please please hit don't miss don't miss [Music] it landed straight back into the strawberry [Music] how's it looking just like your face just like your face sounds good how long have you been on the watermelon i'm not gonna lie probably longer than i should have said yeah yeah you are taking your time team b seemed to be doing quite well those teammates are still well i don't really know this is not sauce this is just solid and that don't look so good this is not sauce your spit's done it's made it go funny this is good this has not gone well oh can we just make one thing and just put everything together can we make a penis-shaped chicken cake you lost your originality you used to have pizzazz what's just happened what's just happened can we have some order in here please please i mean he's standing on our side right now stealing what are we have no vinegar we have no vinegar we made the sauce already no no no it's for the cake i need mustard sauce i'm going to the toilet otherwise i'm going to piss myself half an hour has gone just letting you all know why why does the penis cake have strawberries why does penis cake have strawberries because i like strawberries but where's the strawberry on your penis strawberries and aphrodisiac i get the squirty cream because that that makes sense strawberries look i didn't put the butter in like that that looks like [ __ ] and you have to eat it that looks like diarrhea all right it's gonna have a glow up how much butter have you put in a healthy serving excuse me this is a fruit okay yes that's actually the only box sorry simon i need to borrow salmon salmon don't bend over in front of me please please the cake will be good he's trying to steal our stuff it's not your stuff this is our stuff get ground coming sharing is caring can i have your tie don't touch me you said sharing is caring can i have the time don't why do you want to tie because i want to wear it for what what this yeah i tighten the hoodie do not work have you ever seen it oh my god you are definitely part of the 99 oh lovely sauce oh yeah look that's going to be tasty i hope they enjoy vic spit you know what like i don't think you guys need to see this a little bit of manual well should i see you later i mean like welcome back to the show who's doing it now it's like i'm working with children what's wrong with children yeah you hate children i don't care for children you were a child once i was never a child i was born a man how did you miss her who made yourself i was knighted by the queen herself what which queen the queen how come they have all the ingredients we don't have and then we go try what's this hello can i can i use your cocoa powder please no exactly what the [ __ ] is this where's coco powder oh we ran out let him have some of the cocoa powder what do you mean let me see you think this is a joke huh huh we need that huh you want to fight with me huh hi maybe we need this coco powder we need the cocoa powder please just take it away from them i can't believe this is i'm pissed [ __ ] pissed off it'd be easy they said yeah this is harry's chicken it's in the fridge oh no okay that's great that's good that's good why does this look why is this lumpy oh it's fine once we blend it'll be fine oh yeah oh yeah oh look at that oh we've got alcohol we carry it should i go buy something should i go buy some baileys yeah i did this the wrong way around but it's okay i'm going to take the boiled water now harry it's not boiling it's ryan jj move what have you done shut up what is this show your mouth what's it say don't move it you put the stew shut up first then the rice and now you're putting the boiled water improvisation improvisation improvisation improvisation improvisation you're meant to have the advantage what do you think your mom's going to think of this square square root i know you're ticklish and i'm not so back up just make the food make it good that's what i thought can we change it it's a watermelon milkshake but can we make it like a penis just you know do where you do the cut like the top off and then put it in the watermelon or what to make what you put in there though well we'll cut out the inside mix that up put it inside i'm doing surgery on whatever right now that was fun and again she finished that was quick that was really quick we're not ready well you're easy aren't you just put the four fingers in and she's done that's pretty decent okay because not all penises are smooth so we're trying to make the texture right so this will create the veins the butter yes because if you have too much butter it clogs up your veins yeah yeah high cholesterol penis that's what's all right you're chatting [ __ ] waiting for the secret ingredient you'll like it i promise you yeah i swear to god if it's man sperm we're going to have a problem okay what if it's female sperm it will be allowed oh this has gone to [ __ ] i've [ __ ] this up oh oh we have a huge problem what do you mean what's wrong with you forgot rice [Laughter] wait do we need a little bit stirring [Laughter] no no no honestly it's coming together i just need to mix it together and then we'll find yeah pounded watermelon it's a whole new it's a whole new thing this is that it's not in the instructions but we do it we do what we want to do no no i'll hold it [Music] whipping in the pot yeah now get that in there this is a dress rehearsal right now we haven't [ __ ] it boys you're being so there's no cake there's no rest there's nothing i just what the [ __ ] is going on all right we are actually just incompetent oh yeah secret sauce the secret sauce the secret sauce if he's drunk if he's drunk he'll like it more we apologize if there's a mess in a second i mean it has and not that much [ __ ] can you tell what the secret ingredient is [Music] alcohol brilliant you think about getting me drunk i'm going to give you a better mark yeah you're right they stole the chicken back off me they realized i stole her chicken they stole it back this is a shame wait there's loads there's a mixture left what's this well i'm just trying to get it spreading wasted mixture we don't have time to waste money scrape it out scrape it out go away you get that out of it it's not bad it looks alright okay it could have been a lot better you know my african brethren i've let you down i'm sorry mum i'm sorry please don't beat me we're gonna have 20 minutes we're just sat there doing nothing rock paper scissors yeah that cake isn't going to be pretty oh it's [ __ ] broke in the car it was a beautiful thick thick temperature more temperature more temperature means twice as fast i'm not i'm not making our cake chicken the the milkshake is nearly ready the rice is rice and josh the rice is rice team i don't even know what [ __ ] team you are anymore milkshake are you pretty much done rice pretty much done cake in the oven chicken in the oven oh wow right in the fridge how did you how did you break the fridge he's been getting gym lit recently he just pulled it okay you should try it it's good to know that you guys are making progress pretty much both teams what are we doing now i'm making progress yeah we've got 20 minutes i'm very pleased with how they're doing shut up i'm talking to the camera both teams seem to be doing quite well i am thoroughly impressed especially compared to how they started but we shall see how the food tastes in the end you can all you can always tell when a meal doesn't have love and heart put into it half an extra hot chicken we're gonna pull the legs off and put them in the rice that were all sort of fernando's don't tell anyone who ordered nando's rice uh what's going on with the rice guys guys um yeah are you deaf what's going on with the rice it's rice on the way are you rice on time your rice to eat it rye's talking to you are you on tinder yeah huh are you trying to get the goal then you're part in time you're trying to get the poon tang huh my packs aren't fake i know how to bake oh i can cook a good steak oh um what are you talking about is that steak no i can't cook a good steak if you want to get steak what is that meant to be this is icing our cake might be stinky balloon okay nothing has happened no it's hot in there as well no it's not it's not hot is it not hot bam we got lied to we got scammed all right that chicken looks bath all right this is the cupcake beginning here's what i'm thinking nice little bell here slow and steady slow and steady i might have a flat cake but i got a fat [ __ ] i'm pretty happy with my [ __ ] to be honest it could have gone worse it could have gone better that's for sure but a cock's a [ __ ] harry come on harry harry harry harry harry harry harry harry harry harry harry harry it's fun we can clean up we're gonna get we'll clean it up he's doing it no not we you i just did all my washing up oh you're dripping on the floor oh my god we'll let it drip it's gonna finish dripping and then i'll clean up the mess we don't need to do it as we go i'm quitting i know it's dripping okay i know it's dripping but you're reminding me it tastes better with the sauce on it though to me stop eating it fatty how'd you recognize the head of this should we give him a white tip stop saying we it's this is your responsibility now 10 minutes boys you have 10 minutes that's my prize [Music] thank you very much [Music] so [Music] some of the chickens fall apart but it's all right she's louise jeez louise we're in business oh thank you i'll make an effort don't i do try i do try it finesse that's what you call finesse what's this going on take this out i'm saying we don't use this one there's a chicken eat my chicken yeah hey not bad a little bit burnt but it's fine i think you're good watch your hands i like what you've done here yeah bro impressive five minutes that's that's the meal right there that's the whole time [Music] look at this guy behind the camera look at him can you point out him look at him your work film use the cameras um but notifications check what our actual cake looks like if it's survived let it carry on we'll get there actually all right all right we're doing this all right listen it's pouring time okay let me hold this yeah we're done let's move everything over oh we're not doing anything after a gruelling two hours we finally have our meals team a toby ethan and harry and team b simon josh and vic we'll start out with team a looks wise it's a very good penis it's a very good penis phenomenal i like the detail oh there's comm tips coming out of it absolutely absolutely sublime the milkshake looks looks pretty good and the gel off with the chicken it looks very very good you guys have done a very good job here i'm going to uh have a taste see you in a bowl he's got a proper slice get some fruit in there man get some strawberry on that there's some fruit and vegan this this is bad am i bad i mean michael jackson back that's pretty good so that's really good this is this is really good wow oh my god all right let me started your loss oh no boys i'm expecting big things toby please don't especially since you're african oh god you were gonna do that regardless oh no just what what why are you done with that that is not all off what you mean it's watery you're watery why is it so moist you are what it's disgusting you are what you eat disgusting this terrible terrible jollof the chicken get rid of this disgusting chill off i mean you can tell white people made this that's for sure unbelievable terribly bland disgusting drink it down with some watermelon milkshake i like what you you did there with uh the strawberry very cute what is this why is there so much trough huh why is there so much [ __ ] so much why is that so much trough tell me what is this this is literally undrinkable yeah fricking and break it up you want to you want to go back to africa i will ship you off now huh all right team b interesting look here the chicken looks looks decent the rice looks doesn't look as orange like expected to look is this meant to be milkshake it was our own twist on a milkshake we think milkshakes these days are a bit too thick so this this is extremely watery yes the health version we know you're on a health grind right now slim fit fit okay blood blocked and the cake it doesn't look like a penis at all who are you to judge what it identifies as are you gonna are you identifying i have money i am identifying it it does not look like a penis i think you'll see there's actually the two balls in the little penis there that is not a you can see it now okay well we actually saw it there visually i'm not impressed very good texture a little bit of a tim oh i'm sorry mmm a very good tinge bravo okay let me try a bit of the chicken definitely a bit of a bit of spice there mmm it's definitely not as bland as this out of 10 i'll give it a 6. i mean you added a bit of spice but i can never taste the ketchup now the rice that is not your love it's it's mexican jell-o that's it's not gelato it's called el jolloff el jalop am i ill stupid this what what is this what is this it's a mess now it's disgusting huh are you trying to piss me off where did you get this from huh you flew through mexico you flew to mexico are you serious surely not nando's rice no we gotta eat nando's album [Music] there's rice in there that was actually all right that's actually right there's something wrong with this so what's in here well spain watermelon juice ice and milk and sugar i think vic spit in it as well when he spoke no that's not in that oh is that in the chicken that's in the chicken oh yeah you ate big spit i mean at least ours was drinkable shut up blocked well ladies and gentlemen they're both terrible they're both terrible chefs this this is this is disgraceful i asked you to make jollof and chicken black people food you're black toby you're meant to be able to make ah i'm so disappointed it's hard to pick something good out of two turds so if i was to pick between team a and team b this team wait if we're coming clean then he has to try our real cake why does it look like jelly it could be it could still taste good it doesn't look good how much alcohol did you put in this is not even a cake this is just liquid liquid with some yeast oh i just got a mad winger disgraceful yeah you guys definitely lose ladies and gentlemen this has been the sidemen bake off i hope this never continues please subscribe and goodbye disgraceful disgusting [Music] is the fitness millions are lower to witness millions are lower the bank [Music] millions

Channel: Sidemen

Views: 23,465,372

Rating: 4.9416037 out of 5

Keywords: sidemen

Id: wpU9fPso8h0

Length: 40min 33sec (2433 seconds)

Published: Mon Feb 11 2019