The REAL Story of the Pilgrims - JonTron

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to clan boskie's 10 mystery shards and one free champion executioner ok thanks bye [Music] Thanksgiving one of America's most time-honored traditions the time to come together with family friends and a dog I guess if you have one but where did all this good stuff come from is this picture accurate is what I'm saying this picture doesn't look historically accurate to me maybe it is I don't know I'm just saying but that's why I'm here today because I have the distinct honor to be able to tell all of you out there today the real story the untold story of the pilgrims our story begins here in a new world far far away chapter one a very questionable voyage ah yes the pilgrims those intrepid few the great founding settlers of this nation willing to risk life and limb to sail across the Atlantic Ocean to escape religious persecution inside of a better lives for themselves and their families and to forge a new path in the new world for generations to come a beautiful story yes indeed one that we commemorate every year here in America with the observance of Thanksgiving if by beautiful you happen to mean really did not have that's not how it happened didn't happen that way well you thought it was about this he thought it was about this you [ __ ] wrong I mean the story of the pilgrims is technically true in the same way that it's technically true that Ridley Scott is not completely lost his mind stop burden me you see here in America in school we learned that the Pilgrims were kind of like the first Americans kind of like an origin story like Adam and Eve only instead of it you know being about the Bible is about a real historical country so you know you could just you could just look that up not only were the pilgrims not the first Europeans to reach the North American continent they weren't even the first English settlers in fact they didn't want to be settlers at all they were headed for the already established English colony of Jamestown Virginia anybody heard about that anyone know about that what the [ __ ] is Jamestown we don't learn about that but we learned about the pilgrims who missed Jamestown they with 200 miles up the [ __ ] country Massachusetts that's right my dudes unfortunately our beloved pilgrims just whiffed it okay they didn't mean to go up there it was just a rather strong wind who's heard about who's heard about Jamestown Sergio I thought it was Jonestown I explained him no that's where Jim Jones forced a bunch of innocent people to drink cyanide different place it was the first English colony kool-aid when I say it was cyanide was in the kool-aid you think the kool-aid killed him I know it's [ __ ] but it's not deadly what was in the Jonestown kool-aid valium chlorohydrate cyanide and phenergan cyanide and Finnegan I'm just saying it wasn't some bad Splenda so you know from now on when you look at a painting of the pilgrims landing at Plymouth Rock looking all fierce and stalwart in the face of untamed wilderness think of him less as being like we finally made it now we Forge onward and more like [ __ ] Jim did you bring the map I'm not a hundred percent on this but I think we might be literally nowhere in the known world at all and all we have is no food and these Dutch buckle hats which brings me to my next point the Dutch Cheers that's right there were Dutch ears how are the Dutch ears well tell you so you know that whole song and dance about how the pilgrims left England to escape religious persecution yeah well that's true I guess if you account for the fact that the religious persecution they were escaping was brought on because they wanted the religious freedom to restrict the religious freedom from anyone in their general area to put it in layman's terms for you the Pilgrims were basically a cult so the king of England was like look you can be free to do that weird Lukie spooky cult [ __ ] or whatever but just I don't want to see it all right do it in the Netherlands or something you see the pilgrims were actually well known as being a more radical sect of the Puritans and I don't know how that's possible what they think the Puritans weren't pure enough it's in the [ __ ] name the pilgrims were like the punk rockers who thought no one else was punk enough no matter what they did oh my god sorry what I mean the whole time I'd be calling on the pilgrims my dad I should know him better man I should be calling them by I'm sorry I should be referring to them by their real name that they made up for themselves and wanted to be called the separatists that that's where the separatists didn't learn that in history 101 this is the name of the kind of group you definitely want in your country what's wrong King II you scared you scared your head on a pike in the middle of Capitol City for all to gawk at what it's just a name how are you scared of a name yeah King James has named a fovea everyone [Music] [ __ ] you to the Netherlands what he said get the [ __ ] a Holland Holland I'm the king so not being able to practice their radical faith in peace in England they exiled themselves to the Netherlands to live out their days amongst the Dutch Schultz that's right they up and moved across the channel to a town called leaden which I'm sure you all know and love is a little slice of heaven between warburg and perth Hoofddorp listen touch people you stop sounding like that I'll stop making fun of you fingers crossed behind my back didn't [ __ ] you're never gonna be stopped being made fun of I'm never alone so finally thanks to the unprecedented tolerance of the Dutch the pilgrims could practice their intolerance in peace until shortly thereafter where they literally said can you [ __ ] believe these duck people before you know what our kids are gonna be talking like that whose drop Dingle dropping this literally happened by the way I'm paraphrasing a little bit but they were the only people to be nice enough to take them in and they just they just take it in their face yes that's right the pilgrims were so actually disgusted by Holland that they were convinced it would actually be better to cross the Atlantic Ocean in a rickety boat of questionable functionality so they could live somewhere in the woods in the middle of nowhere and basically do what they were already doing in Europe except without running water chapter 3 the first Thanksgiving so that's right for some reason instead of learning about Jamestown as the founding of America we learn about a ragtag band of incompetent Dutch hating cultists English separatists who almost all died because their vote sprang leak and they forgot to learn how to steer before departing and the only reason they survived is because a nice Native American man named tus quantum most of you may know him as Squanto some of you may know him as sasquatch but you're wrong came along and was like hey I noticed you guys were like starving over here like let me show you how to like grow some freaking corn I'm trying to intrude I'm just I feel bad dude you're a little boys a skeleton but you put a little fish in the ground and the quarry comes out and then your little boys not a skeleton anymore all right okay I've slayed enough American sacred cows for one day or should I say sacred American turkeys yeah I shouldn't say that this is a high holy holiday coming up Thanksgiving and I'll make good to show my patriotism I'm gonna become a pilgrim myself that's right we're going to Plymouth Rock there she is that's Plymouth Rock seriously this is Plymouth Rock what do they got it in the cage its jailed like a frickin zoo animal I seriously didn't know it's just a rock just an actual rock how do I know this was the one I thought blue Plymouth Rock was more of a metaphorical thing like you know a big kraang on the side of a mountain not like a literal this is barely Plymouth stone my dude don't they just look like they're having the time of their lives [Music] not such a bad life though you know he gets fed a couple times a day every now and then Robert comes down to give them a power washing eye honey I'll see you later The Rock got a bit dirty from sitting and sitting there dude you could just steal Plymouth Rock dude okay I'm not saying you should but you could just steal Plymouth Rock dude this rock clearly needs some company God knows it needs some company so I'm just gonna just chill now with uh with Plymouth over here and you know Rob's gonna stop by later with some white claw we're gonna hang out play some drinking games you didn't hear from me but he can't hold his liquor okay gets drunk rolls around you gotta dodge him toes get all smashed up it's not pretty okay guys I'm not sure what I do on this channel anymore and I'm sure you're also not sure but [ __ ] you huh [Music] [Music]

Channel: JonTronShow

Views: 4,817,399

Keywords: jontron, pilgrims, jontronshow, real story, thanksgiving, funny, america, settlers, founding fathers, england, comedy

Id: z2dXQDNZxgY

Length: 10min 36sec (636 seconds)

Published: Thu Nov 28 2019

Reddit Comments

[u/fireork12]

The raid shadow legends ad ends at 1:00

[u/RealPunyParker]

He really is doing whatever, these days, and we suck it up.

[u/Moist_Crabs]

Jon may not know what hes doing with his channel but Im still enjoying his vids, I wanted this one to be a lot longer because it was very well written

[u/alexmikli]

I'm not sure what Jon does on his channel anymore.

[u/Lukthar123]

I want Jontron gaming videos

/r/monkeyspaw : RaId ShAdOw LeGenDs

[u/LawMurphy]

Jon's team is my favourite. They took the time to bleep 'OK Google' so my phone didn't seize up.

[u/LewdsWriter]

If Jon didn't talk to anyone off screen, I'd be convinced he broke into his studio and filmed this video at 3am last night.

[u/YehosafatLakhaz]

Few comments on this one

1. The Pilgrims were just one group of Seperatists called Brownists. He makes it seem like the entirety of the Seperatists left for Holland, when it was just one sect.
2. He makes the Seperatists out to be way more negative than they were. They were actually persecuted by the English government and that's why they originally left for Holland. They weren't just kicked out for being intolerant or being a cult.
3. Tons of the info in this video is really stuff that most people should or do already know about Thanksgiving. Giving the real name of "Squanto" was cool though.

Overall 7/10

[u/ReKognito]

Getting some real NakeyJakey vibes from this video