The Real Reasons Cheaters Don't Want To Talk About Their Affair

[Music] so in this video we're going to be talking about the twelve reasons why cheaters don't want to talk about the affair number one to protect their partner from further hurt and pain see the reality is what that person did hurts there's no question about it there's a whole lot of emotional pain that a person experiences when they discovered an affair but then for the unfaithful partner to go through all of the gory details is uncomfortable for that person and they know that it's just gonna cause further hurt and pain for their partner so to avoid hurting their spouse they will hold on to those truths for dear life they will carry it to the grave they don't want to do it because they already know what impact or they believe when in fact they don't have on their spouse so that's one of the reasons why they lie why they omit the truth what they give false impressions why they deceive or why they just shut down all forms of conversation to avoid further hurting pain reason number two to avoid the consequences of what may happen if the truth comes out here's a reality there's a fear that if I tell you the truth I may lose my marriage I may lose my family I may lose everything that's attached to being a relationship with you our lifestyle our community our shared friends our reputation and for fear of losing those things I rather than that tell you the truth number three it's quite common that a person doesn't want to talk about the details of the affair because they are trapped in between guilt and shame now guilt is a negative feeling that a person experiences based upon the hurt that they've caused someone else so every time I think about what I've done to you it pains me when I see what you're going through oh it just really gets up within my skin and I feel horrible about it so the last thing I want to do is address the issues and talk about it but then I'm also battling with shame and as a negative feeling that I may have based upon how I see myself and I beat myself up all the time I struggle with the fact that I actually did this and to avoid guilt and shame I rather not think about it I rather than not talk about it I rather not engage you in any type of back and forth dialogue that will conjure up all of those emotions again so I just want to get rid of the negative feeling the fourth reason why a person doesn't want to talk about the affair is because they're compulsive liars and they have been history and a track record of always lying and so what happens is if you've been lying and lying and lying eventually your lies catch up with you and sometimes you don't remember the last toll last month last week last night and so now to have a continual conversation you may wind up contradicting what you've said in the past which then opens up another can of words because it proves that you're still holding on to truth that you are not willing to share another aspect of the lie is the minimizing that occurs when a conversation takes place so typically if a person says it was only it was just declaring what never happened a lot of times those aren't true and so there's a tendency to engage in the Trickle truth the trick with truth is pieces and parts of truth that come out slowly maturely over the course of time and a lot of times that's done to avoid the negative impact of telling it all and so much like peeling off a band-aid you know how how painful that can be when you're peeling it off slowly you're actually pulling on the skin you're pulling on the hair and it's a long painful process than just ripping that band-aid off well typically people have the tendency to engage in conversations about the affair the same way they get pieces of truth over the course of time which actually makes matters worse because it reach triggers the partner and it's almost like you're experiencing a new betrayal with every new truth and even though it's attached to the same situation it's new to your partner which makes it even more challenging to overcome and it sets a person back in terms of their ability to trust but the minimum is a huge thing that people engage in so we never had sex when the truth is they did we only had sex four times when it could have been 20 30 times it was only an emotional affair when there was a lot deeper than that I really didn't know them or care for them or have feelings for them when it was really more intense and so people minimize and deny these truths because once again they don't want to make the matter worse number six to avoid confrontation every time we talk about it it seems like we wind up in a fight it becomes a world war 3 level of engagement of conflict between the two partners and one attempts to avoid any type of confrontation at all costs and so that's why they don't engage and share those details another thing they may fear what consequences may come to their spouse if this vows finds out because maybe they know that their spouse has an anger problem maybe they fear the spouse engaging in some type of dialogue or conflict with the affair partner and they're looking at the potential of what can go wrong if these truths come out and so that is one of the reasons why they don't tell to avoid all types of confrontation number 7 they want to keep conducting the affair that they're currently in see as long as I don't have to talk about it and revealed all the details and show you all the things that I've actually done I'm actually covering and protecting the current affair that I'm actually in and so a lot of times the if there isn't actually over and the more I talk about it the more revealing it becomes so to avoid blowing up what I currently have that I want to maintain I will shut down any type of conversation to avoid being discovered number 8 the unfaithful partner is now foggy on the details see if this affair happened months ago possibly years ago the first thing that the unfaithful partner wants to do is compartmentalize everything about that affair and store it away and if I don't have to think about it I don't have to remember it I don't have to recite it I plant it internalize it in any way I just want to release it and so when the conversations come back up they're foggy they don't really know or they choose not to know and so one of the common responses is you know I just don't know I don't know I don't know and the more you say I don't know to a person who has a need to know the more it triggers them more what's the more it sets them back the more keeps them in a stuck place and so whenever you're having a conversation and you can't remember the facts it's a process that takes place because sometimes you have to uncover or dig into what has been buried some time ago for sake of not wanting to deal with the pain number 9 d-day has come and gone see d-day is the day of discovery that is a day that all the truth comes out that is the day that the unfaithful partner if they weren't completely honest fest up and revealed everything and so now that that day has come and gone that's exactly how they approach it it's come and gone I don't want to deal with it anymore I don't want to feel the hurt and so I've got to be able to move forward and so therefore hate the idea of engaging in the conversation again what they don't realize is that there's a process that the betrayed spouse has to go through to get the clarity and the closure that they need and so in that position this particular individual may want to have several conversations from different perspectives to gain clarity in ways they never had before think about this if you've ever read a book have you read a book and got great information out of it and then read it again and actually saw something you didn't see the first time and then read it again and then got a level of insight that you didn't get the two previous suns and then read it again and so the point is every time you read it every time you watch and learn something you're in a different season in life a different perspective you're listening with new eyes and new ears and a new interpretation and so there's clarity to be gained in multiple conversations and so you have to have as the unfaithful partner the sensitivity to where your spouse is to have multiple conversations so that all begins to come out just think about a fruit squeeze all the juice out of a fruit until this comb drei that's what the that's what the betrayed partner is in terms of squeezing the truth out of a conversation until it all comes out so there's got to be a level of patience but then there's got to come to a point where both of you mutually decide to close the chapter and to move on into your healing and so it's quite possible that having this conversation will come up periodically sporadically at times when you don't anticipate it and times when you don't desire it but it's necessary for the process until you enter into what is called full disclosure which is a completely different process but during the season of discovery you will have multitudes of conversations so deep day is not just about a day it is a season it is a period of time that's what you need to embrace number-10 unwilling to take ownership and responsibility for what was done see as long as the unfaithful partner doesn't have to talk about it then there's no conversations of accountability responsibility what must be done to help the spouse heal and so shutting down the conversation relieves a person of any responsibility of anything and so that's one of the things that they want to do because they feel like listen it's over I made a decision not to cheat anymore that should be enough but there's a lot of residue that takes place when an affair happens and if you don't realize that you have to show up differently and that the nature of your relationship is different and now you're entering into a new season with new responsibilities and new expectations if you haven't embraced that you're gonna have a difficult time in your marriage while you see your partner continue to hurt number 11 the unfaithful partner is honoring a pact that they have with the affair partner now here's a reality if the unfaithful partner is in a relationship with a married person then both of you have something to lose you may have your family to lose he or she may have their family to lose and so to keep the secret keeps both families intact but once the information is revealed who knows what the impact will be on the affair partner so it's more of a protection that you have for the affair partner than you have for your own spouse and oftentimes when you don't reveal those details that's exactly how the betrayed spouse feel that you're protecting the other person at your own spouse's expense and number 12 the unfaithful partner hasn't accepted the fact that they actually cheated now it's really interesting because a lot of couples get stuck on this one point because there's different definitions different interpretations different perspectives as to what the behavior actually was and so while the betrayed spouse looks at it as a full betrayal and an affair the unfaithful partner might say no it wasn't an affair at all I only had sex within one time that couldn't have been an affair or it was it was just emotional conversations that certainly isn't an affair and couples get stuck with their own interpretation and definition of as what the behavior actually was and so one of the ways that I'd like to help couples through that struggle is to say listen whether you want to call it infidelity cheating adultery or an affair the fact of the matter is there has been a betrayal now that betrayal may either be emotional or sexual but a betrayal call by a different name ultimately is still the same and if it sets your spouse back if it breaks the foundation of the family if it's created a vulnerability in the relationship if it's cause of mistrust unforgiveness and a completely disconnect and if it even if it's threatening the potential of your relationship in terms of whether you stay together or not call it what you want the impact is still the same but the spouse oftentimes wants you to take ownership and until you take ownership for what is done it keeps them in a stuck place that they aren't able to move forward and so these are the reasons why a person would not want to discuss the details of the affair so our recommendation is if you're in a stuck place and you're struggling to have conversations with your spouse about the details of the affair for the purpose of moving forward seek help seek someone outside yourself that can help guide and facilitate a conversation that can get you to to a healthier place [Music]

Channel: Hasani Pettiford - Infidelity Recovery Specialist

Views: 89,011

Rating: 4.9009347 out of 5

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Id: y1JVyJchmtg

Length: 13min 0sec (780 seconds)

Published: Sat May 09 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/davemchine]

It really is amazing what cheaters are willing to do. They are a breed unto themselves. Strangely they are the ones who get to sleep at night.

[u/tillingmyowngrave_2]

Thank you

[u/HerOpsecFail]

Number one is bullshit.

[u/YakBest638]

Thanks for posting, listened to couple of videos on his channel. Think may ask WS to listen in with me to try and open some dialogue

[u/MizJen71877]

8 was spot on. Great find. I bet he's a fantastic couples counselor