Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater? - Esther Perel

[Music] hi I'm Esther Perel and this is moments where I answer your questions about love lust and commitment here's a question from Sarah in Portland once a cheater always a cheater true or false that is a very short question with a rather long answer you know Sarah no I actually don't think that that's the case and the fact that that may be so for some people doesn't mean that that is a statement about human beings that's very pessimistic view but in my office the majority of people who have had affairs who have been unfaithful who have experienced transgressions are actually not repeat offenders there are people who have often been monogamous and sexually exclusive for a decade or more and then one day they cross a line that they did not know that they would ever cross themselves they were often the people who would have judged others who do this and then suddenly realize oh my god I am the one now on this side the people for whom this is a true statement maybe people who have difficulty relating to others period empathizing with others there's a narcissism that puts them at the forefront they are grand news they have a sense of entitlement and they do a lot of things to affirm that sense of entitlement and amongst others they also cheat but that doesn't mean that this is the core issue for them this is a symptom of a core issue for them so for you I don't know if this has happened to you if you've had a partner who has betrayed you and cheated on you but it is important for you to get a full picture of the person is this a person like somebody said to me yesterday we have 22 years together you know and I love him still why because he was fantastic to my ailing mother he was really great with my not too great father he has been a wonderful brother she is a wonderful boss he's been an amazing father and he has cheated how do you combine those two things you see I think that so often we want to take this behavior and now reduce the entire person to just that and we want to protect ourselves with that we want to say this will never happened to me again I won't let that happen to me again and the fact is Affairs happen in good marriages and good relationships in bad relationships in open relationships even in relationships in countries where people can be killed for having an affair they happen and then it's for you to deal with the loss of trust in terms of not just will he do this again but can I trust what I'm sensing can I trust my intuition and that is the process of recovery that often is overlooked it's you won't find the trust and the reassurance by trying to peg the other person into a box you will find it by gradually learning to see what you see and to interpret what you're seeing differently and if you feel certain things again this time you know if there's certain behaviors that elicit your suspicion again and there's a coming home late and there's lots of going into the bathroom to send more text and there's all kinds of activities on Facebook and there is all kinds of suddenly a different way of dressing in a different way of going to the gym and all of those behaviors that you've new the first time around this time you won't ask him are you having an affair you will know and you will make your decision now you're gonna say to me but that means that I have to wait til it happens again no but you may be in another relationship the point is it is not true people sometimes act a certain way and then they realize the consequences of their actions and they are able to take responsibility for it and they change the relationship or they end the relationship and that doesn't mean they will do it again often they did it because this was a choice sometimes a poor choice but a choice to express a dissatisfaction with you with the relationship with the fact that they wanted out with the fact that they were stuck that doesn't define them as cheaters that defines them as people who chose a rather lousy way to communicate certain things for which they need a better language and Sarah I don't know you so I don't know if I'm attributing a sentence to you but I have heard people say well you're letting him get we'd murder you're just giving him a clean slate no I'm not but I am giving people the opportunity to take responsibility for their actions to make amends to repair and to show up differently next time [Music] you

Channel: Esther Perel

Views: 478,321

Rating: 4.9063191 out of 5

Keywords: relationships, marriage, infidelity, mating, love, desire, cheating, culture, communication, affair, cheater, dating

Id: ts0W0IcXg8U

Length: 4min 54sec (294 seconds)

Published: Tue Jul 31 2018

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