DeRay Davis: “I Got Six Senses.” - Full Special

from New York City Comedy Central presents d [Applause] [Music] Ray like that you can stop you can stop now I'mma let y'all know something up front this ain't a comedy show this a get together so I want y'all to get comfortable don't feel like you at no everybody at home sit down relax this is I want to apologize like I always do for not having jokes this is my life and it's messed up why the hell I got to have a garbage can on my set look at as the black why a black man got to have a garbage can so things just not for black people certain jobs black people don't trust black people with don't lie if you at home tell you this is the dray way check it I'm telling you certain things we do not trust black people with black valet hate to see this right now but I ain't giving no my keys I pull up he standing out chill this your car how long you going to be hell no hey Pedro come come here Pedro come here a black lifeguard hell no tell the truth you you go to the damn Beach and you see a black lifeguard he's sitting there chilling he got timling on he can't even dive and save you right he got to dive all sexy I got [Applause] him certain things we just can't do like black men certain things we can't do like be in relationships it's not for us it's just not for I do not want to be in a relationship women crazy man women are crazy I don't know women clap you know you nuts look they you sitting next to a crazy woman now you don't even want to speak I'm sorry I don't I'm just just saying women don't like broke men hell we don't like being broke you think it's our choice to be broke I live in Los Angels I hang with the richest people in America and they treat me like hell I'm out hanging with ball players you ever hung with a basketball player they make you feel like you ain't nothing they call me hey let's call D so he can uh make us laugh while we shopping now I'm at the mall following around around telling jokes they buying stuff they not even looking at give me that uh give me that give me that ask me if I want something like a hey you want some mhm some jeans I hope you don't think this mean nothing women are hard on the broke M like the first date trick y'all do women got a first date trick they do whenever the bill comes you ever had a woman do this they in the purse and pretend they looking for money cuz they want you to say no I got it hell no I let they ass look did you find it cuz I'm going to need that hat I can't do it relationship I can't I just don't want to I can't do it it's a Dray way I just can't do it it's my way of thinking my life is who I am like gas gas got too damn high so the broke man we fall out I can't be in relationship gas too damn High I can't come get you it's too expensive now I'm dating in the community if I could walk to you it's going to last forever women put too much pressure on us man like women women control the clubs the clubs are set up for rich men and women it ain't set up for the broke brother like it ain't two lines when you walk in they like broke Rich no you just caught up in it and women make you feel like like dirt in a club what is it about the club that make men just shrink you ever try to grab women how many women are tired of men reaching for them like they grab you how many women are tired of getting grabb in the club well turn around when we call your ass then you sick of this hey hey girl hey hey hey girl hey hey hey girl see women have different ways of going out than men like a woman won't let her woman leave the won't let none of her girlfriends leave the house in a messed up outfit hell no they care they give a damn they see a girlfriend come out says what's wrong you don't want to go you can just tell us she don't want to go it's okay but not men hell no we don't give a damn what our friend got on we want him to look bad so we look better than him he like how thises look it look good we run down to the car watch what he got on man got his socks pulled over his jeans it's our way man we we treat stuff totally different like men go to the club women go to the club women go to the club to actually have a good time sometimes women go to the club there four of them dance you ever had the four women danceing Circle they dance by theel in that little circle why is it always a guy I feel like that's his Circle he could walk hey he y'all been waiting on me hav you they go to have a good time and if women are ever out and they have a girlfriend that's single they look out for that girlfriend they say girl you know what you don't have a man tonight we're gonna find you a nice guy not somebody not a boyfriend cuz the girl like I don't want a new man I don't want a new man I'm look I'm just trying to live no we understand we just going to find you I got six sisters let me tell you I heard all this I'm just trying I don't want a boyfriend and no no no we're going to find you somebody who's just chill just comfortable okay just real cool okay and they okay all right and if a guy walks past and they like that guy the girlfriends all agree he's nice one of the girlfriends will walk over to him and say I'mma go talk to him she don't no don't don't do that I'mma go talk to him I'mma hook y'all up I just want y'all to meet okay so she walks over to the guy she talks to the guy now if that guy comes on to that girlfriend in any kind of way the woman gets mad hey how you doing um my girlfriend Shirley is so nice and I just want you to come what who me oh thank you I appreciate that I appreciate that but it's not about me my girlfriend who what my look I'm trying to tell you about somebody no what my number look you know what you a ass she don't need you anywh you looking at me already girl forget [Applause] him when I was young I wanted to commit suicide I did I want to kill myself my mother was on drugs since I was like eight I was like it got to be something better than this so I try to kill myself it don't work man I'm still here I tried man I tried to take a lot of pills you ever I tried to take a whole lot of pills and messed around and took 20 Flintstone vitamins I was up for 17 days I was when when am I going to die I tried to smother myself with a pillow that don't work man I couldn't breathe death is is amazing I'm fascinated by it sometimes I'm like Dam you you ever want to just die just to see people just to talk to them just dying go like hey I'm going go back in a little while this is cool no man death is crazy what if you could pick the day you died what day would you pick never don't nobody want to die you in a plane a plane going out you're like God not now what if God was like then win Hell I don't know Tuesday I'm going to die death is horrible man the main reason I don't want to die cuz I don't I don't want to put my family in charge of my funeral I don't think they going to do a good job my family cheap as here I'm from the streets of Chicago I mean they would put me in a damn car I wouldn't have a casket there have me in a damn refrigerator they cheap man plus plus I I want to plan my own funeral I want to plan my own funeral cuz now I want to make it live I want my funeral to be off the hook I want it to be like a party I had Flyers out live dead D ladies free before 11:00 a.m. have it cracking had a bounce up there people be on the list trying to get in on the back of my obituary it's going to be a different obituary on the back of my obituary I'm going have pictures of all the women I slept with saying goodbye right you know what I mean the obituary old worry your picture will be on the back on my way out another reason I don't want to doubt too soon cuz I don't want to I I really don't want a casket caskets are boring in a casket you just land there people could walk up play with your lips lift your eyes up he ain't dead hey I don't I don't want no casket I want to mess people up in my funeral I want you to walk in I want to be propped up with my eyes open that'll mess you up you walk in my funeral I'm like this on a rotator Point N you know man death is amazing man you think animals think about death cuz I wonder like in the street I I wonder do you think animals think about death like man today might be my last day getting walked cuz I I know it's wrong but I laugh I laugh at road kill I do I laugh at road kill cuz I think you don't see them other animals land in the street what make an animal look in the street and say hey that might be cool and it's messed up because you see a dog land you like oh you see a cat Landing like oh and I accident I killed a cat before I did I was driving home from a comedy club in Chicago and I was riding and me and my cousin we were rapping in the car you know how you doing ain't nobody around we rapping to each other yeah yeah I'm yeah yeah we shooting a video in the rear of your mirror yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah kid he you know you do all y'all didn't shot a video at home by your damn self so we riding and I I I feel a little bump boom it's small it's like boom and he said hey I think you hit that cat and I said I didn't see a cat and we roll back around and sure enough I had hit the cat and I felt bad I was like damn cuz the cat was beautiful I knew it belonged to somebody so I pulled off like a crime scene I was like damn I killed him it was like a one of those horror movies I was like I can't believe I did that I was as I was driving I started feeling tougher like I had did some you know did some gangster you know what I'm saying I was driving I was like shouldn't have been in the damn street C so now I'm out at the clubs feeling like I'm tougher than I am I'm at the club people looking at me I'm like what you looking at I kill cats but the dumbest thing i' ever seen I seen a bird get hit by a car as a bird how do you get hit by a car I start then I start thinking it was a blackbird showing off with some girl Birds hey hey hey hey watch this dip dog watch this dip look I like I like I don't know man my preference I like dark ass women I like black I don't know if it's cuz I'm lightskinn it's just a Dray way I love black ass dark I want a girl so dark when I turn the light off I don't know where the hell she at she just run past and do freaky stuff to me huh huh I know you in here darkish man women women put you through too much stress and women y'all know y'all do that stop stressing the man stop talking about absolutely nothing sometimes I don't care you can be mad at me I'm cool women talk about nothing I wish women could run out of words like cell phone minutes right in the middle of an argument and another thing aha I'mma talk to you on nights and weekend look at the women the women mad at me get him foret him women get mad quick man a lot of men don't know how to cheat you know why your woman catch you cheating huh you want to know cuz you don't do it the dray way your woman catch you cheating because there's a there's a there's a change in your Trends that's how your woman see every man here needs to know your woman knows you she knows you inside and out so if you do anything different see this how your woman knows you like this so you do anything I se that I seen that that's why when you start the relationship mess her mind up start like this that way she never know what you going to do see a lot of men don't know how to do that man you got to make your woman think you crazy if a woman thinks you crazy and I don't mean crazy like domestic violence crazy crazy like something is wrong with you crazy she would never question you cuz she don't think nobody want your crazy ass make a woman think you nuts wake up in the morning just have your head between the mattress she say baby what's wrong did they call did who call just walk out the room just wait till it starts raining outside and go wash your car baby what's wrong did they call before you know your woman going to think you so crazy she don't want to get embarrassed she like yeah they call just come in just come in they on the phone right now just bring your crazy ass in you got to pin proof your house man do it the dray way a lot of men come home you get caught cuz you take a shower your woman like oh hell no why you taking a shower full no hell no man you need to learn how to dway your house when you come in take a shower when you wake up in the morning take a shower you eat some cereal take a shower play the video game take a shower take out the garbage I feel dirty take a shower that way when you come in at 5 in the morning she like why you taking showers I always take showers ladies I'mma bind with you on this is sometimes it's our fault that we don't know how to come home right you know why because we don't pimp proof our house you have to pimp proof it make it comfortable for you to come home see when you leave never give yourself a curfew men we have a bad habit of doing that your woman acts that sneaky little nice way so when you going to be back don't fall for that tell her like a movie coming soon leave out cuz you tell a woman a time you tell a woman a time you come home women lock you to that time am I telling the truth ladies cuz you feel like right he said it right you asked him you said what time you going to be home and men say uh about two so now two is in their minds two hits all the walls of the house two two settles in two now you come home late now you're messed up you coming in the house late any man ever had to sneak in their own damn house you pull up to your house you look in damn it ain't that we scared of you we just don't want to hear your damn mouth and and nobody here want to break up nobody I don't want to break up I can't do it cuz breaking you wonder why you get stalk women huh cuz you try to leave our ass and we don't know what to do now we lost wh full of go that's why you get stalked cuz we we not stalking you to find out what you're doing we stalking you to ask you where your should I be right now don't stop me he following me don't stop me don't don't don't don't another reason we stalk your ass and I I this ain't part this is is my I just need to get this out the reason we stalk you because you leave us and you get with another man and you do everything the first week for him you should have didy ass the last damn six months she get with a new man she doing everything having sex every kind cooking at the same time I hate that she get with a new brother doing everything for him that's why I pull a trick on her I DeRay way her I wait three weeks until she in a new relationship I just pull off a mask yeah I'm the new Dude too you've been with me the whole time cuz I don't I just don't I'm telling you I I have a problem with breaking up cuz I don't want I have a a nightmares of going out and and having old game y'all know what I'm talking about like the white people like what what is game I mean game like go out and have the same lines I had from when I first met her so all the young cats and came up with a new game and now I'm out saying old stuff hey how you doing Miss Lady miss lady baby baby girl baby I don't want to be that dude I know a lot of y'all like what the hell is he talking about the dray way yeah it might not be the right way but hell try it you got to do it the dray way proof your house man a lot of men don't know like and this is I'm going to give you guys this lesson when you if you do want to come home late go to an acting class because women are tired of your lies women have seen the same lies how many how many women is sick of the lies sick of your man coming home he always had to drop somebody off or do something else that's why he's late or he got an argument and he was in the club and the bouncers wouldn't let him leave you got to make your woman feel bad you got to pin proof your house make your woman feel bad that you come in late make her feel messed up I come in late I know she's standing there mad I come in mad I come in clam slam the door she like where have you I can't believe they tried to shoot at me and walk away who tried to shoot at you who tried to kill my baby I don't know but I'm going go out every night this week until I find it do it the dray way and the last thing I'm going to tell women if you have a good man if you believe in your heart you have a good man and a good man does not mean that he doesn't see other women a good a good man means he comes home cuz some men don't stay out of his things women love to search through men's things it's none of your business you search for things you hurt yourselves why don't search and hurt yourself you looking for stuff like women love to read your text messages stay the hell out of a man's text message and Men sometimes it's your fault too because you didn't do it the dray way you didn't pimp proof your house before you go to sleep this is what I do I send myself a text that way when she open it it's me close my damn phone before I wake up and we argue I'm deay y'all peace out street to the stage Chico we going to do it [Music] [Applause] [Music] e a

Channel: Comedy Central Stand-Up

Views: 411,951

Keywords: stand up comedy, comedy central stand up, comedy, comedian, comedians, special, funny jokes, funny clips, best comedy, best stand up, best comedians, DeRay Davis, DeRay Davis Stand-Up, death jokes, funerals, clubbing, deray davis stand up, deray davis lost dog, deray davis wild n out, deray davis power play, deray davis all star comedy jam, deray davis katt williams, deray davis stand up snoop dogg, deray davis rickey smiley, deray davis heckler, deray davis stand up full show

Id: sYOnj5mU5js

Length: 21min 12sec (1272 seconds)

Published: Fri Oct 13 2023