WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT,
AND I HAVE GREAT NEWS ABOUT COVID 19. IT'S SOMETHING I WISH I COULD
SAY. UNFORTUNATELY -- ON THE LITTLE
PROMPTER IT SAYS COVID 19 CASES NEARLY TRIPLED IN THE U.S. IN
THE LAST TWO WEEKS. COME ON, AMERICA! FOR PETE'S SAKE! HOW MANY TIMES DO WE HAVE TO
MAKE THE SAME MISTAKES BEFORE THE CONSEQUENCES ARE DIFFERENT? ( LAUGHTER )
THIS SURGE IS ESPECIALLY HARD ON DOCTORS. ONE HOSPITAL ADMINISTRATOR
DESCRIBED HIS STAFF THIS WAY: THEY ARE TIRED. THEY ARE THINKING, HIS IS DEÉJÀA
VU ALL OVER AGAIN. THAT, OF COURSE, IS A QUOTE BY
BASEBALL GREAT,YOGI BERRA. REMINDS ME OF ONE OF HIS OTHER
FAMOUS SAYING: THE FUTURE AIN'T WHAT IT USED TO
BE, AND NEITHER ARE THE UNVACCINATED. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A GOOD
DOCTOR, ESPECIALLY AN ANESTHESIOLOGIST IN THE
WILLIAMSBURG AREA OF VIRGINIA, LOOK NO FURTHER THAN DR. RON --
>> ROD. >> Stephen: -- ROD --
FERNANDEZ. >> Stephen: -- FERNANDEZ. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) THERE YOU GO. RIGHT THERE. IN WILLIAMSBURG, HE WILL
ANESTHETIZE YOU WITH A BUTTER CHURN. ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: BACK TO OUR
MONOLOGUE ALREADY IN PROGRESS. ( LAUGHTER )
MOST OF THIS INCREASE WAS CAUSED BY THE DELTA VARIANT, BUT THAT'S
NOT THE ONLY FLAVOR OF COVID OUT THERE. AND EXPERTS ARE WARNING:
MORE VARIANTS ARE COMING. OH, NO. THIS IS GONNA BE JUST LIKE THE
REAL HOUSEWIVES, NEW VARIANTS POPPING UP ALL OVER THE COUNTRY. IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME UNTIL
ONE OF THE STRAINS RELEASES ITS OWN LINE OF VODKA. ( LAUGHTER )
SOME OF THESE NEW VARIANTS ARE ALREADY MAKING A SPLASH. ILLINOIS IS REPORTING SIX TIMES
MORE GAMMA VARIANT CASES THAN DELTA. GAMMA IS A VARIANT
FIRST IDENTIFIED IN BRAZIL -- WHICH MAKES IT EASY TO DETECT. HERE'S NORMAL COVID. AND HERE'S THE BRAZILIAN. ( LAUGHTER )
NOW, THERE'S NO REASON TO WORRY ABOUT ANY OF THIS IF YOU'RE
VACCINATED. THE SCIENTIFIC COMMUNITY AGREES
THAT THE VACCINES ARE UP TO THE CHALLENGE OF EVOLVING VARIANTS. HEAR THAT, PANDEMIC? WE CAN TAKE WHATEVER NEW STUFF
YOU THROW AT US! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MANY
NEW FLAVORS OF OREOS WE'VE ENDURED? ( LAUGHTER )
CANDY CORN, PINA COLADA, PEEPS, WASABI! IF YOU'RE VACCINATED, YOU CAN
EAT A WHOLE SLEEVE OF ANY OF THOSE AND PROBABLY NOT END UP IN
THE HOSPITAL. ( LAUGHTER )
THE ONLY THING SPREADING FASTER THAN COVID VARIANTS, IS COVID
MISINFORMATION. ESPECIALLY ON SOCIAL MEDIA. IN RESPONSE, FACEBOOK HAS BEEN
HUNTING DOWN AND REMOVING GROUPS THAT PRESENT MISLEADING OR
SENSATIONALIZED INFORMATION ABOUT VACCINES. IF YOU'RE LYING ABOUT THE
VACCINE, MARK ZUCKERBERG WILL HUNT YOU DOWN. BY LAND OR BY SEA. FACEBOOK FINDS THE GROUPS USING
KEYWORDS, BUT THEY'RE HAVING TROUBLE BECAUSE SOME ANTI-VAX
GROUPS ARE CHANGING THEIR NAMES TO EUPHEMISMS LIKE DANCE PARTY
IN ORDER TO SKIRT BANS FROM FACEBOOK. SO GET READY FOR NEW DANCE
CRAZES LIKE "ACTUAL SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER," "THE HARLEM ACHE,"
AND "THE FLOSS, OF TASTE & SMELL." ( LAUGHTER )
THEY DON'T JUST AVOID DETECTION WITH THE NAMES OF THE GROUPS,
THEY ALSO USE CODE IN THEIR POST. FOR EXAMPLE, INSTEAD OF
GOT THE VACCINE, THEY SAY DRANK BEER, DANCED OR DRANK BEER. REFERENCES TO PFIZER GENERALLY
USE THE TERMS PIZZA, MODERNA IS REFERRED TO AS MOANA. DANCING, BEER, PIZZA, MOANA. IF YOU'RE GOING TO DESCRIBE
SOMETHING THAT YOU THINK IS KILLING EVERYBODY, MAYBE DON'T
USE CODE WORDS THAT YOU THINK EVERYBODY UNIVERSALLY LOVES. MIGHT AS WELL JUST SAY
MY SISTER DANCED WITH A LAUNDRY BASKET FULL OF PUPPIES AND NOW,
I'M AFRAID SHE'S GIVEN ME ROCK HARD ABS. ( LAUGHTER )
AND NOW SHE'S PRESSURING THE WHOLE FAMILY TO DRINK A
CHOCOLATE MILKSHAKE WITH JASON SUDEIKIS. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) IN ONE POST, A WOMAN EXPLAINED
HER HUSBAND HAD BECOME SICK AFTER GOING ON A CROSS COUNTRY
TRIP WHERE WE SPENT 2 NIGHTS WITH DANCERS. ( LAUGHTER )
IN THIS CASE, DANCERS IS CODE FOR VACCINATED PEOPLE. BUT NOW HER HUSBAND HAS THE
PERFECT ALIBI FOR GOING TO STRIP CLUBS. (AS HUSBAND)
"HONEY, I SPENT THE NIGHT WITH TWO DANCERS AND NOW I HAVE
CHLAMYDIA." FAUCI! DAMN YOU, FAUCI! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: HEY! >> Stephen: OF COURSE,
THE PANDEMIC HAS AGGRAVATED OUR PRE-EXISTING CONDITION OF
OBSCENELY RICH PEOPLE. ACCORDING TO BLOOMBERG
SUPERYACHT, CHARTERS ARE UP OVER 340%. THIS IS DISGUSTING. IN A TIME OF DIRE NEED, THE
ULTRA-RICH SHOULDN'T BE BLOWING THEIR MONEY ON BOATS. THAT'S MONEY THAT COULD BE USED
TO LAUNCH GIANT PENISES INTO SPACE. ( APPLAUSE )
IT'S NOT JUST CHARTERS. YACHT SALES ARE ALSO BOOMING. SOME BILLIONAIRES ARE BUILDING
SUCH BIG YACHTS, THEY CAN COST OVER $500 MILLION, AND ARE IN AN
ELITE NEW VESSEL CATEGORY: THE GIGAYACHT. COMPARED TO A MEGAYACHT, A GIGA
YACHT CAN HOLD A THOUSAND TIMES MORE DOUCHEBAGS. ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MEGA TO GIGA, TERA. THESE YACHTS HAVE EVERYTHING YOU
COULD WANT AND A LOT YOU DON'T. ONE YACHT HAD A DEDICATED
COCAINE ROOM. I'M GOING TO SAY... IF YOU HAVE A DEDICATED COCAINE
ROOM, I'M GUESSING EVERY ROOM IS A DEDICATED COCAINE ROOM. ( LAUGHTER )
IT'S NOT JUST THE BOATS THEMSELVES. DURING THEIR TIME AT SEA, THE
WEALTHY FIND WAYS TO WASTE THEIR MONEY ON OTHER VEHICLES. FOR EXAMPLE, MANY YACHTS WILL
HAVE A CHOPPER, COME TO REPLENISH THE CAVIAR SUPPLY
HALFWAY THROUGH A TRIP. THAT MUST BE TRAUMATIC FOR THE
FISH WATCHING FROM THE OCEAN. ( LAUGHTER )
"LOOK HONEY, THE KIDS ARE HERE TO VISIT! WHAT? NO! TOAST POINTS?! ( LAUGHTER )
THESE YACHTS ALSO KEEP THEMSELVES WELL
STOCKED IN LUXURY HUMAN REFRESHMENT. SOME BIG SPENDERS FILL A
SECONDARY SUPERYACHT WITH WOMEN, WHO ARE CALLED DAY-USE
GIRLFRIENDS. AND WE'VE FOUND IT! ( DING-DING )
THE WORLD'S GROSSEST COMBINATION OF THREE WORDS! JIMMY, TELL US WHAT WE'VE WON. >> PARALYZING NIGHTMARES ABOUT
THE CONSEQUENCES OF LATESTAGE CAPITALISM. ALSO, A BROYHILL DINETTE SET
BROYHILL: NO SEX WORKERS WERE EMPLOYED IN THE MANUFACTURING OF
THIS TABLE. BACK TO YOU, STEVE. >> Stephen: THANK YOU, JOHNNY. ( APPLAUSE )
>> STEPHEN: BEFORE I GET INTO MY NEXT STORY, I JUST WANT TO SAY,
KEEP IN MIND -- EVERYONE'S FINE. >> I'M OK. >> STEPHEN: TODAY ON EVERYONE'S
FINE. TEN PEOPLE WERE HURT IN A
DIPPIN' DOTS FACTORY EXPLOSION. NO ONE WAS SERIOUSLY INJURED,
WHICH IS ACTUALLY SURPRISING. THAT STUFF'S LIKE PASTEL BUCK
SHOT. ( LAUGHTER )
AND I'M BEING TOLD WE HAVE FOOTAGE OF THE EXPLOSION. WOW, EVERYONE WHO WORKS AT
DIPPIN DOTS IS SUPER HOT! ( LAUGHTER )
THE EXPLOSION HAPPENED WHEN A TRUCK WAS UNLOADING LIQUID
NITROGEN, THE SUBSTANCE USED TO FLASHFREEZE DIPPIN' DOTS, INTO
THE BUILDING. LIQUID NITROGEN, OF COURSE, IS
THE HEALTHIEST INGREDIENT IN DIPPIN' DOTS. ( LAUGHTER )
NOW, IF YOU THOUGHT THIS HEADLINE WAS FUNNY, SHAME ON
YOU. BECAUSE WHAT'S ACTUALLY FUNNY IS
THAT THIS IS THE SECOND DIPPIN' DOTS FACTORY EXPLOSION IN TWO
YEARS. IT'S LIKE THE OLD SAYING, BLOW
UP THE DIPPIN DOTS FACTORY ONCE, SHAME ON ME. BLOW IT UP TWICE... WHY DID THEY REBUILD IT? NOBODY ACTUALLY LIKES DIPPIN'
DOTS. BUT CLEARLY, THERE'S A PATTERN. ( APPLAUSE )
BUT CLEARLY, THERE'S A PATTERN. SOMEONE IS OUT TO GET DIPPIN
DOTS. WHY? MAY I REMIND YOU: DIPPIN DOTS IS
THE ICE CREAM OF THE FUTURE. SOMEONE IS STOPPING AT NOTHING
TO MAKE SURE THAT FUTURE NEVER COMES TO PASS. HERE'S MY THEORY --
THE TECHNOLOGICAL DOT-IFICATION OF AMERICA'S STRATEGIC ICE CREAM
RESERVE LEADS TO SKYNET AND SELF-AWARE KILLER DESSERTMAKING
ROBOTS ENSLAVE HUMANITY. BUT FREEDOM FIGHTERS FROM THE
FUTURE ARE SENDING THEMSELVES BACK IN TIME TO SOFT-SERVE SOME
JUSTICE. JUST CONNECT THE TINY FROZEN
DOTS WE ALREADY KNOW THAT THE ONLY WAY TO DEFEAT THE
TIME-TRAVELING KILLER ROBOTS IS LIQUID NITROGEN. ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S IT! >> Jon: THEN THEY'RE DONE. >> Stephen: CASE CLOSED! NEED MORE PROOF? LISTEN CAREFULLY TO THIS FAMOUS
LINE -- >> I'LL BE BACK... FOR SPRINKLES. >> STEPHEN: WE'VE GOT A GREAT
SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT, MY GUEST IS THE STAR OF "HACKS," HANNAH
EINBINDER. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK,
MEANWHILE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪♪
