The Only Thing Spreading Faster Than Covid Variants Is Covid Misinformation

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WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT, AND I HAVE GREAT NEWS ABOUT COVID 19. IT'S SOMETHING I WISH I COULD SAY. UNFORTUNATELY -- ON THE LITTLE PROMPTER IT SAYS COVID 19 CASES NEARLY TRIPLED IN THE U.S. IN THE LAST TWO WEEKS. COME ON, AMERICA! FOR PETE'S SAKE! HOW MANY TIMES DO WE HAVE TO MAKE THE SAME MISTAKES BEFORE THE CONSEQUENCES ARE DIFFERENT? ( LAUGHTER ) THIS SURGE IS ESPECIALLY HARD ON DOCTORS. ONE HOSPITAL ADMINISTRATOR DESCRIBED HIS STAFF THIS WAY: THEY ARE TIRED. THEY ARE THINKING, HIS IS DEÉJÀA VU ALL OVER AGAIN. THAT, OF COURSE, IS A QUOTE BY BASEBALL GREAT,YOGI BERRA. REMINDS ME OF ONE OF HIS OTHER FAMOUS SAYING: THE FUTURE AIN'T WHAT IT USED TO BE, AND NEITHER ARE THE UNVACCINATED. ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A GOOD DOCTOR, ESPECIALLY AN ANESTHESIOLOGIST IN THE WILLIAMSBURG AREA OF VIRGINIA, LOOK NO FURTHER THAN DR. RON -- >> ROD. >> Stephen: -- ROD -- FERNANDEZ. >> Stephen: -- FERNANDEZ. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF ) THERE YOU GO. RIGHT THERE. IN WILLIAMSBURG, HE WILL ANESTHETIZE YOU WITH A BUTTER CHURN. ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: BACK TO OUR MONOLOGUE ALREADY IN PROGRESS. ( LAUGHTER ) MOST OF THIS INCREASE WAS CAUSED BY THE DELTA VARIANT, BUT THAT'S NOT THE ONLY FLAVOR OF COVID OUT THERE. AND EXPERTS ARE WARNING: MORE VARIANTS ARE COMING. OH, NO. THIS IS GONNA BE JUST LIKE THE REAL HOUSEWIVES, NEW VARIANTS POPPING UP ALL OVER THE COUNTRY. IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME UNTIL ONE OF THE STRAINS RELEASES ITS OWN LINE OF VODKA. ( LAUGHTER ) SOME OF THESE NEW VARIANTS ARE ALREADY MAKING A SPLASH. ILLINOIS IS REPORTING SIX TIMES MORE GAMMA VARIANT CASES THAN DELTA. GAMMA IS A VARIANT FIRST IDENTIFIED IN BRAZIL -- WHICH MAKES IT EASY TO DETECT. HERE'S NORMAL COVID. AND HERE'S THE BRAZILIAN. ( LAUGHTER ) NOW, THERE'S NO REASON TO WORRY ABOUT ANY OF THIS IF YOU'RE VACCINATED. THE SCIENTIFIC COMMUNITY AGREES THAT THE VACCINES ARE UP TO THE CHALLENGE OF EVOLVING VARIANTS. HEAR THAT, PANDEMIC? WE CAN TAKE WHATEVER NEW STUFF YOU THROW AT US! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MANY NEW FLAVORS OF OREOS WE'VE ENDURED? ( LAUGHTER ) CANDY CORN, PINA COLADA, PEEPS, WASABI! IF YOU'RE VACCINATED, YOU CAN EAT A WHOLE SLEEVE OF ANY OF THOSE AND PROBABLY NOT END UP IN THE HOSPITAL. ( LAUGHTER ) THE ONLY THING SPREADING FASTER THAN COVID VARIANTS, IS COVID MISINFORMATION. ESPECIALLY ON SOCIAL MEDIA. IN RESPONSE, FACEBOOK HAS BEEN HUNTING DOWN AND REMOVING GROUPS THAT PRESENT MISLEADING OR SENSATIONALIZED INFORMATION ABOUT VACCINES. IF YOU'RE LYING ABOUT THE VACCINE, MARK ZUCKERBERG WILL HUNT YOU DOWN. BY LAND OR BY SEA. FACEBOOK FINDS THE GROUPS USING KEYWORDS, BUT THEY'RE HAVING TROUBLE BECAUSE SOME ANTI-VAX GROUPS ARE CHANGING THEIR NAMES TO EUPHEMISMS LIKE DANCE PARTY IN ORDER TO SKIRT BANS FROM FACEBOOK. SO GET READY FOR NEW DANCE CRAZES LIKE "ACTUAL SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER," "THE HARLEM ACHE," AND "THE FLOSS, OF TASTE & SMELL." ( LAUGHTER ) THEY DON'T JUST AVOID DETECTION WITH THE NAMES OF THE GROUPS, THEY ALSO USE CODE IN THEIR POST. FOR EXAMPLE, INSTEAD OF GOT THE VACCINE, THEY SAY DRANK BEER, DANCED OR DRANK BEER. REFERENCES TO PFIZER GENERALLY USE THE TERMS PIZZA, MODERNA IS REFERRED TO AS MOANA. DANCING, BEER, PIZZA, MOANA. IF YOU'RE GOING TO DESCRIBE SOMETHING THAT YOU THINK IS KILLING EVERYBODY, MAYBE DON'T USE CODE WORDS THAT YOU THINK EVERYBODY UNIVERSALLY LOVES. MIGHT AS WELL JUST SAY MY SISTER DANCED WITH A LAUNDRY BASKET FULL OF PUPPIES AND NOW, I'M AFRAID SHE'S GIVEN ME ROCK HARD ABS. ( LAUGHTER ) AND NOW SHE'S PRESSURING THE WHOLE FAMILY TO DRINK A CHOCOLATE MILKSHAKE WITH JASON SUDEIKIS. ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) IN ONE POST, A WOMAN EXPLAINED HER HUSBAND HAD BECOME SICK AFTER GOING ON A CROSS COUNTRY TRIP WHERE WE SPENT 2 NIGHTS WITH DANCERS. ( LAUGHTER ) IN THIS CASE, DANCERS IS CODE FOR VACCINATED PEOPLE. BUT NOW HER HUSBAND HAS THE PERFECT ALIBI FOR GOING TO STRIP CLUBS. (AS HUSBAND) "HONEY, I SPENT THE NIGHT WITH TWO DANCERS AND NOW I HAVE CHLAMYDIA." FAUCI! DAMN YOU, FAUCI! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: HEY! >> Stephen: OF COURSE, THE PANDEMIC HAS AGGRAVATED OUR PRE-EXISTING CONDITION OF OBSCENELY RICH PEOPLE. ACCORDING TO BLOOMBERG SUPERYACHT, CHARTERS ARE UP OVER 340%. THIS IS DISGUSTING. IN A TIME OF DIRE NEED, THE ULTRA-RICH SHOULDN'T BE BLOWING THEIR MONEY ON BOATS. THAT'S MONEY THAT COULD BE USED TO LAUNCH GIANT PENISES INTO SPACE. ( APPLAUSE ) IT'S NOT JUST CHARTERS. YACHT SALES ARE ALSO BOOMING. SOME BILLIONAIRES ARE BUILDING SUCH BIG YACHTS, THEY CAN COST OVER $500 MILLION, AND ARE IN AN ELITE NEW VESSEL CATEGORY: THE GIGAYACHT. COMPARED TO A MEGAYACHT, A GIGA YACHT CAN HOLD A THOUSAND TIMES MORE DOUCHEBAGS. ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MEGA TO GIGA, TERA. THESE YACHTS HAVE EVERYTHING YOU COULD WANT AND A LOT YOU DON'T. ONE YACHT HAD A DEDICATED COCAINE ROOM. I'M GOING TO SAY... IF YOU HAVE A DEDICATED COCAINE ROOM, I'M GUESSING EVERY ROOM IS A DEDICATED COCAINE ROOM. ( LAUGHTER ) IT'S NOT JUST THE BOATS THEMSELVES. DURING THEIR TIME AT SEA, THE WEALTHY FIND WAYS TO WASTE THEIR MONEY ON OTHER VEHICLES. FOR EXAMPLE, MANY YACHTS WILL HAVE A CHOPPER, COME TO REPLENISH THE CAVIAR SUPPLY HALFWAY THROUGH A TRIP. THAT MUST BE TRAUMATIC FOR THE FISH WATCHING FROM THE OCEAN. ( LAUGHTER ) "LOOK HONEY, THE KIDS ARE HERE TO VISIT! WHAT? NO! TOAST POINTS?! ( LAUGHTER ) THESE YACHTS ALSO KEEP THEMSELVES WELL STOCKED IN LUXURY HUMAN REFRESHMENT. SOME BIG SPENDERS FILL A SECONDARY SUPERYACHT WITH WOMEN, WHO ARE CALLED DAY-USE GIRLFRIENDS. AND WE'VE FOUND IT! ( DING-DING ) THE WORLD'S GROSSEST COMBINATION OF THREE WORDS! JIMMY, TELL US WHAT WE'VE WON. >> PARALYZING NIGHTMARES ABOUT THE CONSEQUENCES OF LATESTAGE CAPITALISM. ALSO, A BROYHILL DINETTE SET BROYHILL: NO SEX WORKERS WERE EMPLOYED IN THE MANUFACTURING OF THIS TABLE. BACK TO YOU, STEVE. >> Stephen: THANK YOU, JOHNNY. ( APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: BEFORE I GET INTO MY NEXT STORY, I JUST WANT TO SAY, KEEP IN MIND -- EVERYONE'S FINE. >> I'M OK. >> STEPHEN: TODAY ON EVERYONE'S FINE. TEN PEOPLE WERE HURT IN A DIPPIN' DOTS FACTORY EXPLOSION. NO ONE WAS SERIOUSLY INJURED, WHICH IS ACTUALLY SURPRISING. THAT STUFF'S LIKE PASTEL BUCK SHOT. ( LAUGHTER ) AND I'M BEING TOLD WE HAVE FOOTAGE OF THE EXPLOSION. WOW, EVERYONE WHO WORKS AT DIPPIN DOTS IS SUPER HOT! ( LAUGHTER ) THE EXPLOSION HAPPENED WHEN A TRUCK WAS UNLOADING LIQUID NITROGEN, THE SUBSTANCE USED TO FLASHFREEZE DIPPIN' DOTS, INTO THE BUILDING. LIQUID NITROGEN, OF COURSE, IS THE HEALTHIEST INGREDIENT IN DIPPIN' DOTS. ( LAUGHTER ) NOW, IF YOU THOUGHT THIS HEADLINE WAS FUNNY, SHAME ON YOU. BECAUSE WHAT'S ACTUALLY FUNNY IS THAT THIS IS THE SECOND DIPPIN' DOTS FACTORY EXPLOSION IN TWO YEARS. IT'S LIKE THE OLD SAYING, BLOW UP THE DIPPIN DOTS FACTORY ONCE, SHAME ON ME. BLOW IT UP TWICE... WHY DID THEY REBUILD IT? NOBODY ACTUALLY LIKES DIPPIN' DOTS. BUT CLEARLY, THERE'S A PATTERN. ( APPLAUSE ) BUT CLEARLY, THERE'S A PATTERN. SOMEONE IS OUT TO GET DIPPIN DOTS. WHY? MAY I REMIND YOU: DIPPIN DOTS IS THE ICE CREAM OF THE FUTURE. SOMEONE IS STOPPING AT NOTHING TO MAKE SURE THAT FUTURE NEVER COMES TO PASS. HERE'S MY THEORY -- THE TECHNOLOGICAL DOT-IFICATION OF AMERICA'S STRATEGIC ICE CREAM RESERVE LEADS TO SKYNET AND SELF-AWARE KILLER DESSERTMAKING ROBOTS ENSLAVE HUMANITY. BUT FREEDOM FIGHTERS FROM THE FUTURE ARE SENDING THEMSELVES BACK IN TIME TO SOFT-SERVE SOME JUSTICE. JUST CONNECT THE TINY FROZEN DOTS WE ALREADY KNOW THAT THE ONLY WAY TO DEFEAT THE TIME-TRAVELING KILLER ROBOTS IS LIQUID NITROGEN. ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S IT! >> Jon: THEN THEY'RE DONE. >> Stephen: CASE CLOSED! NEED MORE PROOF? LISTEN CAREFULLY TO THIS FAMOUS LINE -- >> I'LL BE BACK... FOR SPRINKLES. >> STEPHEN: WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT, MY GUEST IS THE STAR OF "HACKS," HANNAH EINBINDER. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, MEANWHILE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪
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Channel: The Late Show with Stephen Colbert
Views: 2,147,470
Rating: 4.8050184 out of 5
Keywords: The Late Show, Late Show, Stephen Colbert, Steven Colbert, Colbert, celebrity, celeb, celebrities, late night, talk show, comedian, comedy, CBS, joke, jokes, funny, funny video, funny videos, humor, hollywood, famous
Id: PefuuJz2HNs
Channel Id: undefined
Length: 10min 39sec (639 seconds)
Published: Thu Jul 22 2021
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