WELCOME -- WELCOME TO
"THE LATE SHOW," LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MR. AND MRS. AMERICA
AND ALL THE SHIPS AT SEA, I AM YOUR STEPHEN COLBERT! >> Jon: THERE HE IS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: THIS CROWD IS ELECTRIC AND LIVE ON THIS PLANET
TONIGHT! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THEY WANT TO HEAR ME TALK ABOUT THE BIG STORY EVERYONE'S TALKING
ABOUT NOW, CONTINUES TO BE THE CHAOS SURROUNDING THE RECENT
POORLY-HANDLED REGIME CHANGE... OVER AT "JEOPARDY!"
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, BEFORE YOU SAY "STEPHEN,
THE 'LATE SHOW' IS THE MOST PRESTIGIOUS OF ALL THE LATE
NIGHT CHUCKLE-FESTS-- WHAT ARE YOU DOING TALKING ABOUT THE GAME
SHOW 'JEOPARDY!' AND WHO WILL HOST IT?", I HAVE ONE THING TO
SAY TO YOU: I DON'T KNOW. ( LAUGHTER )
ALL I KNOW IS, THE MISSION STATEMENT OF THIS SHOW IS TO
TALK ABOUT WHAT EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT. AND FOR SOME REASON, EVERYONE IS
TALKING ABOUT THIS. POSSIBLY TO AVOID TALKING ABOUT
EVERYTHING ELSE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) THAT'S IT. NAILED IT. THAT'S IT. BING, BANG, WRITE THAT DOWN. NOW THAT I'VE ESTABLISHED THAT
THIS IS ITEM ONE OF THE NATIONAL CONVERSATION, LET ME FILL YOU IN
ON THE DEETS. "JEOPARDY!" RECENTLY CONDUCTED A
MONTHS-LONG SEARCH FOR THEIR NEW HOST, LED IN PART BY EXECUTIVE
PRODUCER MIKE RICHARDS, ALSO KNOWN AS BLAND... JAMES BLAND. ( LAUGHTER )
DURING THEIR SEARCH, THE SHOW TRIED OUT EVERYONE FROM FRIEND
OF THE SHOW ANDERSON COOPER TO FRIEND OF THE SHOW LEVAR BURTON
TO FRIEND OF THE SHOW KATIE COURIC TO DR OZ. ( LAUGHTER )
WHICH IS WHY PEOPLE WER A BIT SURPRISED WHEN, IN THE END, AS
THEIR PERMANENT WEEKNIGHT HOST, THE EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS OF
"JEOPARDY!" SELECTED EXECUTIVE PRODUCER MIKE RICHARDS. WOW, WHAT ARE THE ODDS? EXACTLY THE SAME AS ME GETTING
NAMED "STEPHEN COLBERT MAGAZINE'S SEXIEST MAN ALIVE." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) SUCK IT, RYAN GOSLING. ( LAUGHTER )
AMERICA'S LEADING GAME SHOW JOURNALISTS WERE STUNNED,
INCLUDING THE HUFFINGPO, WHOSE HEADLINE BLARED, "SO THE
'JEOPARDY!' GUEST HOST ROTATION WAS APPARENTLY ALL FOR SHOW." WAIT A SECOND! ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT A
TELEVISION SHOW DID SOMETHING THAT WAS FOR SHOW? ( LAUGHTER )
I'M SO DISILLUSIONED. ARE THOSE HOUSEWIVES EVEN REAL? ( LAUGHTER )
IT'S ONLY GETTING WORSE FOR RICHARDS, AFTER RESURFACED
PODCAST AUDIO REVEALED THAT IN 2014, MIKE RICHARDS MADE
CRUDE COMMENTS ABOUT WOMEN, JEWS, AND HAITI. ( BOOING )
>> Stephen: OOOH... LOOKS LIKE RICHARDS' JOB MIGHT
BE IN "JEOPARDY!" (SCARY MUSIC)
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SO WHAT DID HE SAY? WELL, ON ONE PODCAST, RICHARDS
ASKED HIS CO-HOSTS, BOTH YOUNGER WOMEN, WHETHER THEY HAD EVER
TAKEN NUDE PHOTOS, SAYING, "LIKE, BOOBY PICTURES?"
"BOOBY PICTURES"? IS THIS MAN ABOUT TO BECOME THE
HOST OF AMERICA'S MOST BELOVED QUIZ SHOW, OR A 12-YEAR-OLD BOY
TRYING TO SNEAK INTO AN R-RATED MOVIE? MOVIE? "YES, I'D LIKE ONE GROWN-UP
TICKET TO YOUR 2:00 P.M. BOOBY PICTURE. I HAVE BEEN TOLD THESE BOOBIES
HAVE THE NIBLETS?" IN RESPONSE TO THESE NEW
REVELATIONS, RICHARDS RELEASED A STATEMENT, SAYING, "IT'S MORE
THAN CLEAR THAT MY ATTEMPTS TO BE FUNNY AND PROVOCATIVE WERE
NOT ACCEPTABL, AND I HAVE REMOVED THE EPISODES." INTERESTING APOLOGY. "I KNOW I DROVE DRUNK AND PLOWED
THROUGH YOUR ROSE GARDEN, BUT TO PROVE I'M SORRY, I RECYCLED MY
EMPTY LIQUOR BOTTLES." PROVE I'M SORRY, I RECYCLED MY
EMPTY LIQUOR BOTTLES." SPEAKING OF DISASTROUS
TRANSITIONS: (BUZZER)
"WHAT IS AFGHANISTAN?" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
NO ONE'S SURE AT THIS POINT. THE WITHDRAWAL DID NOT GO QUITE
AS WELL AS JOE BIDEN HAD HOPED. AND UNFORTUNATELY FOR HIM, THERE
WERE TV CAMERAS. HE REALLY SHOULD HAVE EVACUATED
THOSE FIRST. IN A POLL TAKEN ON FRIDAY,
BIDEN'S APPROVAL RATING WAS 53%. BUT OVER THE WEEKEND, HIS
APPROVAL FELL FASTER THAN KABUL, PLUMMETING TO 46%. SO, YESTERDAY, BIDEN SAT DOWN
WITH GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS FOR HIS FIRST ONE-ON-ONE INTERVIEW
SINCE THE TAKEOVER, AND HE THOUGHT THE DEBACLE WENT
ACCORDING TO PLAN. >> THE IDEA THAT SOMEHOW,
THERE'S A WAY TO HAVE GOTTEN OUT WITHOUT CHAOS ENSUING, I DON'T
KNOW HOW THAT HAPPENS. GRANTED, IT TOOK TWO DAYS TO
TAKE CONTROL OF THE AIRPORT. WE HAVE CONTROL OF THE AIRPORT
NOW. >> BUT WE'VE ALL SEEN THE
PICTURES. WE'VE SEEN THOSE HUNDREDS OF
PEOPLE PACKED IN A C-17. WE'VE SEEN AFGHANS FALLING--
>> THAT WAS FOUR DAYS AGO. FIVE DAYS AGO. >> STEPHEN: (AS BIDEN)
"LOOK, JACK, NO ONE REMEMBER -- COME ON, MAN, GET REAL. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
NO, I'M SERIOUS, NO, COME ON, I'M NOT KIDDING AROUND, FOLKS,
NO ONE REMEMBERS WHAT HAPPENED FOUR OR FIVE DAYS
AGO. ALL THAT STUFF IS ANCIENT
MONDAY! BUT I DO REMEMBER EVERY SINGLE
THING MY DAD EVER SAID IN 1952. HE TOLD ME, 'JOEY, WHEN YOU
LEAVE AFGHANISTAN, IT'S GOING TO BE MESSIER THAN A PACK OF DOGS
EATIN' A BLUEBERRY PIE.' ANYWAY, WHAT WAS I TALKING
ABOUT? WHO KNOWS AT THIS POINT? THAT WAS FOUR, FIVE SECONDS AGO. COME ON!"
( LAUGHTER ) IN OTHER POLITICAL NEWS, THE
DELTA VARIANT HAS STORMED CAPITOL HILL. TODAY, THREE SENATORS ANNOUNCED
WITHIN HOURS OF EACH OTHER THAT THEY HAD TESTED POSITIVE FOR THE
CORONAVIRUS. OH, NO! I HOPE THE UNITED STATES SENATE
IS NOT FAMOUSLY FULL OF THE OLDEST PEOPLE ON EARTH. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WHAT? THE INFECTED SENATORS IN
QUESTION ARE ROGER WICKER, REPUBLICAN OF MISSISSIPPI;
ANGUS KING, INDEPENDENT FROM MAINE; AND JOHN HICKENLOOPER,
DEMOCRAT FROM COLORADO. A REPUBLICAN, A DEMOCRAT, AND AN
INDEPENDENT! AT LEAST THE VIRUS IS
BIPARTISAN! ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) CLEARLY, SOME SENATORS ARE
REACHING ACROSS THE AISLE... AND NOT WASHING THEIR HANDS
AFTERWARDS. ( LAUGHTER )
WE'RE GETTING NEW SCIENCE EVERY DAY ABOUT WHAT DOES AND DOESN'T
PREVENT COVID. FOR INSTANCE, TODAY WE LEARNED
THOSE ANTI-COVID PLASTIC BARRIERS PROBABLY DON'T HELP,
AND MAY MAKE THINGS WORSE. WAIT, HAVE THEY EVER WORKED? BECAUSE FOR DECADES, THAT HAS
ALSO BEEN OUR SALAD BAR PROTECTION TECHNOLOGY. THAT'S DISTURBING. ( APPLAUSE )
SO, I'M OFFICIALLY OFF SALAD, I'M OFF SALADS FOR SAFETY SAKE,
UNLESS IT HAS FIRST BEEN STERILIZED IN A DEEP FAT FRYER. UNFORTUNATELY, COVID CASES
CONTINUE TO SPIKE, ESPECIALLY ALONG THE GULF COAST, WHERE THE
SO-CALLED "REDNECK RIVIERA" IS NOW A VIRUS HOTSPOT. NOW, IF YOU'VE NEVER BEEN THERE,
IT'S KIND OF LIKE THE FRENCH RIVIERA, BUT INSTEAD OF THE
CANNES FILM FESTIVAL, IT'S "THE SHOW-US-YOUR-CANS FESTIVAL." ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) THAT RIGHT THERE, JON --
>> Jon: I DON'T MESS WITH THAT ONE. >> Stephen: THAT WAS
DANGEROUSLY CLOSE TO AY PICTURE. ( LAUGHTER )
HEALTH OFFICIALS ARE BLAMING THE SPIKE ON THE AREA'S UNABATED
TOURISM AND A DISREGARD FOR BASIC HEALTH PRECAUTIONS. COINCIDENTALLY, THAT'S ALSO
FLORIDA'S STATE MOTTO. SOUNDS BETTER IN LATIN. IT'S A LITTLE CLASSIER. PEOPLE ARE IGNORING C.D.C. RECOMMENDATIONS. FOR EXAMPLE, DON'T GO TO
FLORIDA. ALSO, IN A BAR CALLED "THE
HANGOUT," PATRONS CRAMMED TOGETHER, UNMASKED, SINGING
"COTTON EYE JOE." OF COURSE, THE LYRICS ARE A
LITTLE DIFFERENT: >> Stephen: VACCINE'S FOR
COTTON EYE JOE ♪ ♪ HE'S GOT TETANUS AND POLIO ♪
♪ HE CAUGHT COVID TWO DAYS AGO ♪ ♪ NOW HE CAN'T SMELL MY CHICKEN
GUMBO ♪ ( LAUGHTER )
DESPITE ALL THE COVID CONCERNS, MINI-GOLF COURSES, BARS, GO-KART
TRACKS, AND HOTELS WERE FULL. AND ONE SHOPPER AFTER ANOTHER
WALKED THROUGH THE MOUTH OF A GIANT, FAKE SHARK. IF ONLY THERE WERE SOME KIND OF
METAPHOR FOR WILLINGLY STROLLING INTO THE JAWS OF DOOM. ( APPLAUSE )
THE DELTA VARIANT HAS HIT THE ENTIRE WORLD, WHICH APPARENTLY
INCLUDES ENGLAND, WHERE A WHOPPING 94% OF ADULTS HAVE
COVID-19 ANTIBODIES, AND ROUGHLY 80.7% OF THEIR ADULT POPULATION
HAS BEEN FULLY VACCINATED BECAUSE THEY'VE REALLY FOCUSED
ON REACHING VULNERABLE POPULATIONS, WHICH FOR THEM
INCLUDES PEOPLE OVER 50. SO, BY BRITISH STANDARDS, I'M A
VULNERABLE POPULATION. ALSO BY BRITISH STANDARDS, I
DIDN'T GAIN 14 POUNDS OVER THE PANDEMIC. I GAINED ONE STONE. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: MM-HMM. LOOKING GOOD. >> Stephen: I'M IMPRESSED WITH
HOW WELL ENGLAND IS DOING WITH THE COVID
VACCINE, SO I'D LIKE TO SAY SOMETHING TO MY BRITISH VIEWERS. MEET ME OVER AT THE BRIT CAM. 'ALLO, GUV. THANKS FOR CLICKIN' ON THE OLE
TELLY. JUST MARY POPPIN' IN TO SAY:
PLEASE TAKE US BACK! THAT WHOLE "REVOLUTION" THING,
WE WERE JUST HAVING A LAUGH! WE WERE TAKIN' THE PISS OUT OF
YOUR BANGERS AND MASH! WE'RE GOBSMACKED BY YOUR
VACCINATION RATE, JUST CHUFFED. BLIMEY! LET'S LEG IT TO THE PUB FOR
ELEVENSES AND FISH AND CHIPS, INNIT? WE'LL DO WHATEVER YOU WANT:
WE'LL CALL SOCCER "FOOTBALL," WE'LL CALL MATH "MATHS," AND
WE'LL CALL PIERS MORGAN A JOURNALIST. ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) GOD SAVE THE QUEEN-- OR TOSS THE
OLD BIRD, I'M NOT SURE WHICH SIDE YOU GUYS LAND ON RIGHT NOW. CHIM, CHIM, CHER-EE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. ( PIANO RIFF )
MY GUESTS ARE THE FATHER-DAUGHTER TEAM OF SEAN AND
DYLAN PENN. BUT WHEN WE RETURN, SEX. IT SELLS. STICK AROUND.
Yep, when it makes the opening of the Colbert monologue, I think you can safely say this isn’t confined to grumpy fans on the Internet.
Loved the "friend of the show" gag.
This was really good
So there actually is traction here
That was pretty good.
they downplayed his "offensive comments" to the least of them, basically. and kinda downplayed the whole situation?
methinks Colbert doesn't want to piss off Sony (in case they didn't fire MR) and preserve his ability to get Sony actors as guests?
or they just didn't care? more likely
Now I want to hear those podcasts, you know, for research purposes!