Narrator: "Once, there was a tree, and she loved a little boy." "Every day, the boy would come and say:" Boy: "Gosh, I love you, tree! Let's be together forever." Tree: "Why, that would be lovely, child, and I will be always be here for you." Narrator: "The boy loved the tree, and the tree was happy." "But time went by, and the tree got older, and the tree was often alone." "Then, one day, the boy came to the tree, and the tree said:" Tree: "Come, boy. Come climb up my trunk and swing--" *tree screams* "What are you doing?!" *tree grunts* *tree pants* "Why boy, why have you done this to me?" "Wait, what is that, what is that?" "No! No, no no no, think of the memories we had, why wont you--" *tree screams in agony* *thunder* Boy: "Go see The Lorax, find out how you too can save the trees!" *theme song* *sad song* Evil Redhead: "Who invited the giant furry peanut?" Lorax: "I'll go right up your nose!" Once-ler: "Woah! You wouldn't hurt a woman!" Lorax: "That's a woman?" *viewers laugh* Critic: "I am the Critic. I speak for the Seuss." "Observing how all this BULLSHIT got loose." "The Lorax, a book that was read by a ton, has been ripped into shreds and can't be undone." "The timelessly writen book of all ages, succumbs to the dumb of the focus group cases!" *analysts laugh* Critic: "Well I'm standing for the small, hairy orange, I'm going up there and--" "You know, I'm done rhyming." *peaceful music plays* Analyst Malcolm: "To the Lorax being a huge hit." Analyst Rob: "Yes, now let's see if we can make a live action version of 'Goodnight Moon', starring Madea." *Cinema Sins sound* Analyst Rob: "Oh great, another pep talk from the Seuss nazi, or as I like to call them, "Seussis" Critic: "You think you can get away with dumbing down Dr. Seuss, like you did with 'Cat in the Hat' and 'The Grinch'!" "Follow-up question: Didn't I kill you two?" Analyst Rob: "We're like mononucleosis. We never fully go away." Analyst Malcolm: "And, we often put you to sleep." Critic: "Don't you see the harm you're doing to the wonderful world Dr. Seuss created?" Analyst Malcolm: "The box office disagrees." Analyst Rob: "Indeed, the people love it." *toast to greed!* Critic: "But that's what's making it worse! Do I have to show you the obvious problems you're causing?" Analyst Malcolm: "No, but I get the feeling you're going to anyway. Critic: "This is The Lorax." *analysts sigh* Critic: "We open in Thneedville as the credits roll, a town made completely out of plastic and where no trees exist at all." Villagers: ♪ "Thneedville! It's a brand new dawn!" ♪ Critic: *sighs* "I'd like to thank this film for making me realise how sick I am for over-the-top upbeat musical intros." "Sorry, opening to 'The Muppets Movie', I have to hate you now." *crowd booing* Critic: "Blame this movie!" "So we see a GAP Kids commercial meet up with a Abercrombie and Fitch commercial, voiced by timeless acting giants Zac Efron and Taylor Swift." Audrey: "Oh, hi Ted!" Ted: "Oh, hey Audrey, hi." Critic: "Wow, that is not the voice I expected to come out of that kid." "You know, because a 12 year old boy should always be voiced by a 26 year old man, right?" Ted: "Alright! Cool, hey I got to run, I got to go do things, so, I'll see you guys." Critic: "I'm pretty sure it's how they did it in 'The Iron Giant', isn't it? Hogarth Hughes (pharyngealized): "Hey Dean! Watch this!" "BONZAI!" *freezing* "Come on in! The water's great!" Dean McCoppin: "No thanks." Hogarth: "You weenie!" Critic: "It turns out that this girl is an artist, who paints pictures of trees, and dreams one day being able to see a real one." Ted: "If a guy, somehow get you one --? Audrey: "Well, I'll probably marry him on the spot." "I bet that sounds crazy. Does that sound crazy?" Critic: "Well, that depends! Do you mean it literally, or do you have a good sense of humor, or-- nothing else is going to revealed about you in the movie, is it?" "You're just a bland piece of who-ass to get his Truffula growing so he can set out on this movie's hypocritical quest. Aren't you?" Audrey: "And people said, that the touch of their tufts, was softer than anything!". Critic: "Well, any other cliché characters, or as I like to call them, 'cliché-acers', you'd like to get out early in the movie?" *Grammy Norma blows kiss* Critic (kewl voice): "The hip rocking granny!" Critic (normal): "Okay, okay, any others?" Ted's mother: "Disco!" Critic (goofy): "The embarrassing parent!" Critic (normal): "Painful, very painful, any others?" O'Hare: "The more smog in the sky, the more people will buy!" Critic: "Oh, of course, the corperate bad guy who owns the town with no redeeming elements whatsoever! You could call him the missing Captain Planet villain, Shempy!" Marketing Agent: "How can I possibly make even more money?! Haha, we can tell ya, sir! We can tell ya!" Critic: "Why, he's so evil, he wants to actually sell fresh air to people because their pollution is already destroying the air that they have." "Umm, Spaceballs did it?" O'Hare: "I make a living, selling fresh air to people. Trees? Oh, they make it for free." "I consider it kind of a threat to my business." Critic: "Okay, first of all, if you're going steal Edna Mode's design sheet, pick a voice that matches." "Those vocals match about as well as:" Ted: "Oh, hey, Audrey." Critic: "THAT. Second, isn't the idea of The Lorax that there is no real bad guy, it's just a cautionary tale of when someone, anyone takes too much without seeing it? Once-ler: "Unless someone like you cares a whole lot, nothing's going to get better. It's not." Analyst Rob: "But, you don't understand! We don't want people to feel bad about themselves. Analyst Malcolm: "Yes, people are less likely to buy things when they feel bad. Analyst Rob: "It's easier to show a clear right-and-wrong message so that no kids are confused!" Critic: "But, maybe they should be confused. Hell, maybe what you're doing is confusing them in a different way. Look!" "When you make your characters less human, you suck out the humanity, meaning people are less likely to see what they could become." Girl: "Daddy, could that be me?" Father: "No, kiddo. He's evil. You're good!" Girl: "Oh, okay!" Guy 1: "Man, I'm glad I'm not so evil as that guy!" Guy 2: "Yeah." Critic: "Just like a delicate seed can grow a great oak, so can a faulty message grow a big problem." Analyst Malcolm: "Yes, but clearly we show it in a satirical sense, so that it makes it alright." *a toast to satirical sense* Critic: "In what way?" "How does laughing at the bad things you do make it any less bad?" Analyst Rob: "Well, the chart says--" Critic: "FORGET IT!" "So, Mini-Trump watches the boy leave the town to find a tree, leading him, of course, to the home of the Once-ler." "Well, there went the surprise of the powerful line that closed out the original." "Oh, fuck it. I'm just going to assume nothing in this film is going to move me at all." Analyst Rob: "It's really the best way to watch it." *Ted pants* Old Once-ler: "Who are you? Who are you and what are you doing here?" Critic: "My God, they finally found Bill Watterson!" Ted: "Woah!" Old Once-ler: "You want to know about trees? About what happened to them? Why they're all gone." Critic: "So, the Once-ler of course, tells the story of about what happened to all the trees, naturally keeping his face hidden throughout the story, so like I said before, he can represent how this can happen to anyone. Anyone watching right now--" "Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!" "FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU!!" "Maybe I'm over exaggerating. After all, it is a hour and a half long movie, an hour and a half is a long is a long time to go without seeing your... kinda main character." "I mean, it's an adaptation. I got it, there's going to have to be changes from an adaptation, fair enough. At the very least they're making him timeless, somebody that anyone can look back years later, and not laugh at so incredibly dated and dumb--" Once-ler: "Gonna chop one down and make my Thneed!" Critic: "fffffffffff--" Critic: "fffffffffff-f Critic: "fffffffffff-f-f Critic: "fffffffffff-f-f-f Critic: "fffffffffff-f-f-f-f Critic: "fffffffffff-f-f-f-f-f Critic: "fffffffffff-f-f-f-f-f-f Critic: "fffffffffff-f-f-f-f-f-f-f Critic: "fffffffffff-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f Critic: "fffffffffff-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f Critic: "fffffffffff-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f Critic: "fffffffffff-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f "I don't care for that." "This Once-ler is a super young, electric guitar playing, tight-clothes wearing, fedora-hat-toting, pop-culture-referencing, Zach Braff...ing, completely dated product of the times. Once-ler: "Na na nanana na! Oh, I got a little jingle. Uh... no... Gonna blow some minds. Whoop-a-dee-po-pow! Yeah. See? Uh, yea-n-uh, no. What's his problem? I'm just sayin'. Weirdo." Critic: "bull-fucking-shit." Analyst Malcolm: "Yes, and the Once-lings seem to love him." Critic: "The what?" Analyst Rob: "The Once-lings. Apparently our character was so 'hip with the ladies', that they decided to form a online community around him!" "Engage." Critic: "Oh my god, this was a thing?" Analyst Malcolm: "Yes, and we have one online right now. She calls her self 'HyperFanGirl' HyperFanGirl: "Oh, my, god, guys! I just love all the emo-haircuts you're giving to the Dr. Seuss characters! You're giving them a style that'll last forever, like the Jonas Brothers!" Critic: "Why do you love this Once-ler? He's every other quirky alternative product mixed into a Michael Cera action figure. They should have called him 'The Hipster'!" Analysts: "Ooh!" HyperFanGirl: "He is clearly not a hipster. Hipsters act like they don't care how they look, and they take 7 hours to put their outfits together. He clearly only took six." Critic: "You can't just like someone because he's really nerdy, into retro media, wears a bunch of half-professional half grunchy cloth--" *Romeo and Juliet Overture plays* HyperFanGirl: "What are you doing this evening?" Critic: "Not you, dump her." *HyperFanGirl gasps* Analyst Rob: "You know, you really are a bit of a hipster--" Critic: "SHUT UP!" "So the Once-ler--" *fangirls scream* "Oh, shut up, comes across a land full of trees and--" *fish sing* "Painfully obvious Minion backwash." *fish sing* *Minions sing* Critic: "As he starts to chop them all down for his new business." Old Once-ler: "Little did I know, that by chopping down that tree, I had just summoned a mystical creature as old as time itself." Critic: "The Danny DeVito cameo!" "Of course, The Lorax is in one of the trees, as all characters circle around the chopped down life to mourn its loss." *music plays* "Now that's actually a very touching moment that fits the spirit of the book. It's new, it's different, but it keeps the message, love and even kind of subtlety of what Seuss was going for." "How do they fuck it up?" "Well, clearly we can make the message much more powerful by adding in Mission Impossible hommages." *fish sing Mission Impossible music* "A dozen more of those Minion moments!" *fish singing* Minion: "Bottom." *Minions laugh* Critic: "And the non-violent pacifist Lorax of the original now tried to drown our hero in the hopes that that'll lead him away." "Oh, and don't forget a few more of those lame-ass pop cultural references." Old-Once-ler: "Why aren't you like other kids, break dancing and playing the Donkey Kongs." Critic: "So Donkey Kong is now officially part of the Dr. Seuss canon?" "I don't know how to feel about that." HyperFanGirl: "I know, it's so retro. Hold me!" the once-ler so we make it up to him by
tearing the shit out of his new home it was cold outside we just fell asleep ok i put my lips on the new what's for
breakfast breakfast is over rated and why do you
have one of these you don't even have a Mustang yes
teaching lessons about staying out of others environment has made stronger by
invading your environment that I got work to do yep I gotta go into town and sell my
knee so the once-ler pal yo makes a deal with the lorax that he won't cut down
any more trees and that the one he got is enough to sell his product called the
need yeah cool had my god i totally want one that
thing makes me like you more ah how advertisers thought marketing for
the large would work and certainly did work and there went my enjoyment for the
update lego movie song . as will be insolent may be realized with being over
yo i should point out that it does sometimes cut back to our main lead
still suffering from blam millennial itís but they're so rushed and so
generic that you forget about them just as soon as you watch them I think the most that happens is all my
own paint over flower girls artwork why wasn't even supposed to accomplish
is that really gonna make such a big difference it's kind of like saying all you want to
see Elsa and Jack Frost together well what if we just put a drag acts over
your fat art now you'll never ever want to see them again as long as you live
with you way over did you damage my fanart still love you yeah yeah yeah so what's good family comes out to live
with him and once again it's not the once-ler himself who is consumed by
productivity that would make an interesting identifiable and complex no it's just as evil family that eggs
and mine so i guess as long as you don't have one of those this could never
happen to you we could always start chopping down the
trees but no buts one seat you're running a business now you have to do
what's best for the company and your mama even his progression seems hastily
rushed the original was good at showing the ones like tube8 himself but then
always find an excuse to keep going bigger and even the story never claimed
that going to another extreme was the answer morning on I should shut down my factory
fire a hundred thousand workers I see your point and then I wouldn't
know the answer it was trying to find that middle row
that wasn't victimless but was the best compromise we could come up with here one song it Oh overnight girls out there just building the instead of slowly but
surely over the course of the film we see the progression of all these choices
and the effect that is having its just one song Anakin Skywalker's transition was more
complex and then there's your allegory for the movie right there just take a picture with the lorax on
your product and boom it's not only likes approved around like this song
it's against everything corporate when that's exactly what the lawrence
marketing was doing enjoy your air polluting car the lorax
says it's okay on top of that i did notice that out of
the five songs in this movie only one is pro trees and it's only played at the
end and yes i know they're being ironic and praising over productivity but by
god for upbeat modern style pop songs about it and only one fucking one song
that actually says give a damn about the trees don't you see even a little bit of a
problem with that it is the people with the money go round
the night and timeless songs they all sound like the top 10 from Radio Disney
when we're just trying to reach the most popular demographic you can respect that trying to get your message out to as
many people as possible. A toast to pandering! yeah but the popular way isn't always
the lasting way look again fad is just one letter away from fade
and that's exactly what they do they fade away that's why it's better to focus on being
good rather than being popular if you can be both great but if you have
to choose one over the other always pick good / popular because once
the people grow out of it and move on to the next popular thing there's nothing of substance to bring
them back and the time was message you claim to fight so hard for becomes just
another passing trend to forget about us okay the internet speeds up everything yes it will be popularly retro and five
minutes and synchronize so as I'm sure you get the once-ler finely chopped down
the last tree and his business as well as the forest is completely gone the lorax lips is a sin to have been
leaving even make obvious to be inspired to be the next big tyrant wonder what
the next million-dollar invention is gonna be yeah! I wonder... and of course you know how the rest of
the story goes the once-ler gives the boy the last seed and it's left up to
him as well as the children watching to make the choice on whether or not
they'll grow cleaner and better world leaving on a powerfully quiet
emotionally fueled and suddenly ambiguous final note... (*pauses for effect) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! back to the idea of
any dr. seuss movie doing anything clever subtle doors they don't do that NO! this one has "car chases"! yeah, because if there's anything that
people were complaining were missing from dr. Seuss if it was more fucking
car chases also we get the "big bad corporations"
trying to take control of the people's minds! brbrbrbr! by god! they're making hail Hydra
sound like a weather-resistant German car (o'Hare: YOU WON'T GET AWAY WITH THIS BOY!) NC: Throw in a "radical snowboarding granny" (GingerSwift: SERIOUSLY! how cool is your Grandma?!) NC: A "tubular scooter" that's probably polluting the more times he rides around on it! ...Seriously you're just talking. Do you
have to ride around in circles like that? and we clearly see the town, not over the
progression of time and patience but rather fucking instantly join the
boy's side, go out to plant a million trees and sing another pop song about it (*Town singing "Let it Grow") Oh God people were satirizing it before
it even came out! HOW POPULAR IS THIS SONG?! we even see the lorax come back yep, he comes back. removing all the
weight of ambiguity and sense of urgency and instead gives the kids their happy
little ending you done good beanpole you done good (Sarcastically) Awwwww. isn't that just precious.... say while
you're at it why don't you just clarify that Bambi's mom never died yeah that was a bit of a downer. Why don't
you just clarify that she came back and they all lived happily ever after? Come to think of it, why don't you just
reveal whether or not the top falls over in Inception? or why don't you just tell us what Bill
Murray said to Scarlett Johansson? or give away what was in the briefcase in
Pulp Fiction? because that's what life is made up of right? Answers. Easy non
thought-provoking answers. and we need to prepare kids for just a fucking easy
life is going to be. Yeah, sure they made us think, but look at it this way: THEY MADE US THINK! AHHHHHHHHH! (Executive Rob): but thinking gives children unclear
answers NC: well maybe that's the idea god damn it!
Maybe the message will last longer because people keep coming back to think
about it! (Excutive Malcolm): No no no is our data has shown this has gone retro right about... (Rob): now surely all the people have retur... *wind blowing ironically)... eh, this sucks. my god that was the last Lorax movie fan (Malcolm) there's nothing left to exploit *clinks NC: yeah
that's because you've given them nothing challenging and thus nothing valuable to
keep coming back to while it's not as bad as the "Cat in the Hat" and the animation style is colorful, and lends its way to Seuss's
world better than live action the Lorax still sucks in capturing the
spirit of dr. Seuss instead of being poetic, it panders to
the mainstream. instead of having it speak to everyone, it paints extremes
that alienates the truth of the story and instead of being dark and subtle, it
knocks you on the head with this message ironically making it far less memorable.
people aren't going to be coming back because you gave them nothing that shows
you respect them as thinking people. You simplified it, made it easy so easy that nobody finds it fun
anymore I don't care how many movies you make how popular they are for the moment
but how often you keep missing the spirit of these great stories because no
matter what you do people are always going to keep
returning to the books of dr. Seuss that not only because they remember them but
because they're worth remembering. Malcolm: Critic, that's exactly what I wanted to hear
Rob: what? NC: what? Black Willy Wonka!? Black Willy Wonka: that's right it was me all along Rob: this
wasn't on your resume Black Willy Wonka: oh look a popular demographic you can
exploit Rob: ooh! wait! I have charts! I have a charts! BWW: come with me Critic. This is my black-wonka-vator! NC: Wow does it
go every way possible? BWW: yes every button goes a different
direction, and I've pressed them all except this one NC: what direction does that go BWW: Up NC: hey aren't those the people who saw the
movie BWW: sure are! NC: but... they're reading the book? I thought they were done with the Lorax. BWW: well you see critic that was part of my ultimate plan. NC: it was? BWW: yes you were right about seuss his books
will last forever but sometimes people take that for granted so what better way to remind them of
Seuss's power than making films that completely fucks them up NC: so the "Grinch",
the "Cat in the Hat", the "Lorax" they were all purposely terrible and
dated BWW: They needed to be popular so that everyone would see them but they also
need to be horrible so everyone would go back to remember just how good the
original stories were. true beauty never fades, you just need to be reminded of it once
in a while NC: and for discovering this I get your money making secrets as well as
a lifetime of happiness BWW: No! you get a button :D NC: thanks BWW: but critic don't forget what happened to
the man who got everything he always wanted NC: what happened? BWW: I killed him and stole all
of his possessions! *music* music music
