We open as we usually do with the
southern narrator, talking over flat landscapes probably shot by Roger Deakins. They leave just enough space for the credits to go over, but they rarely take advantage of that. Instead, they leave me to tell you about a main
character: A fat cat. That's right, a political fat cat trying to shift things his way by simply throwing money at his problems. This is usually where we cut to a symbol of the movie, while a Carter Burwell score plays. And even if he was a lazy man, quite possibly the laziest in Muncie, Indiana, he will push it pretty far by staring at
his calendar, so he would know when Mondays were coming. Honestly, we hold all these awkward
stares to a point where it becomes gimmicky, but the critics seem to like it. Jon: Hey! But even fat cats have owners... like Jon Arbuckle here. Played by Steve Buscemi. You got a job to do man. I give you money so that you can spend it on keeping those rat spies out of our political house! I told you, Pookie's on it. Take the rats out of the house, Garfield! He's just angry, because he can't get a date from one of his party supporters. An Army veteran named Liz played by Frances McDormand. So uh...Liz, how about that date, huh? You're not just asking me because I'm
a vet, are you? There are rules. I'm hoping that the comedic desperate angle overrules the creepy stalker angle. Sorry Jon, I have to draw a line in the
sand. And apart from millions of fans demanding that I break character and date you... No, that really happened. Look it up. I'm going to keep this running joke running. God damn running joke! Garfield had many people he couldn't stand... like Nermal. The wise black man who was so humble and sage-like, that it made him despicably cute. He's played by some salt-of-the-earth actor that can easily be switched out the next time they do this cliché. Yeah...he'll do. I suppose we should probably do that simple plan during the complicated mess thing. It was only seem popular. You know... your best friend's been taking half the shipment, right? What? I thought he was off the stuff. Come on boy... falling off countertops, walking on all fours, he can barely speak half the time... You know Nermal, I think it's time I sent you to Abu Dhabi... in a box. <gunshot> *Dramatic music.* That's right, you don't know whether or
not to root for me. And finally there's Odie. played by John Turturro. I'm a dog - I'm a dog! Woof, woof, bark, bark. My skin is turning yellow! Sorry it's come to this, Odie, Garfield, is that you? but the time has come to put you down. My God, what are you going to do? I'm gonna kill you in a gruesome, yet quirky way... No, Garfield! The audience will be emotionally confused! True... they won't know they actually like the movie after seeing it. But after they let it sit for a while, they figure it to themselves... Eh, it was fucked up enough. I guess I like it fine... NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! CUT! That's lunch, everybody. Coens! I just want to say, again, I am so thankful that you're having me star in your latest movie. I mean...where did you get the idea to have me playing an egotistical lazy jerk? God, I see where you guys get your gift
for dialogue. Anyway, I just want to say thank you so much again. I know you didn't just cast me in this role because I have a studio and
I'm letting you use it for free. We don't really care. That clearly shows when you directed 'Ladykillers' Hey Joel, great work on the shoot today, sweetie! I'm Joel... Oh, I'm sorry. I always get you two mixed up. We don't care. Oh, hey Critic! What's your next scene? Oh actually, I don't know I guess the Coens have to.... Oh, I hate it when they do that... Joels...Joels...where are you Joels... Ok...well I'm just gonna go do a
review that always ties into my personal life somehow... Good work, everybody! Good work! Timing is everything. Who would have
thought the Coen brothers would actually make a Garfield movie? I mean...this newspaper comic strip that was also a Saturday morning cartoon... and the directors of gritty surreal suspense? They just go hand in hand! Too bad Bill Murray didn't know that
he signed on to do the first one. Not that Bill Murray's a bad choice to play Garfield, in fact that it's actually fitting seeing how the late voice actor Lorenzo Music
replace Murray as Peter in The Real Ghostbusters and now Murray
is replacing Music as Garfield. However, that wasn't the reason he did it. He agreed to it because he
thought the writer, Joel Cohen, was of the critically acclaimed Coen Brothers. When really, he was from the critically panned Cheaper by the Dozen Because of this, Murray didn't read the entire script and blindly agreed to take the role. Big of a mistake there... What followed was a painfully painful
bit of pain that's so bad that even Murray's talent couldn't save it. Fans of anything Garfield could quickly see not only did this have little to do with what made the character so entertaining, but it was going to punish you for liking those things to begin with. It's a hard one to watch whether you're a fan of the beloved cartoon or not. There's a lot of kitty litter to get
through so let's start scooping... this is 'Garfield' As the credits roll, we see pictures of a man who clearly likes his pet too much. Who wears a suit and a picture with your cat,
unless you're a Bond villain. When we get our first glimpse of our
main character. I hate Mondays. By God, is that hideous. Not only is he sinfully ugly, but the CG is so bad that I actually think the hand-drawn commercials
from the past look more convincing. He looks like Grumpy Cat
if he was shit out by Chester Cheetah. Just to give you an idea... these are the hard drives of jokes I
made just based on his appearance. But, seeing how this is a short review,
let's just stick to the best of the best. 'The sun-kissed tumor' seems to do things
associated with Garfield. Eats lasagna, annoys his owner John, played by Breckin Meyer, who we pray to God will make
fun of this in 'Robot Chicken'. Thank you! and talks with annoying friends like Nermal. It just seems like a weird thing to do. Who the fuck is that? Doggie to a house that already has a cat. Maybe you heard me wrong. Hangs out with Nermal... Come on, it's just across the street. We're cats, we like milk. Thatta boy, Nermal. You're...you're really going with that, huh? That, this is Nermal? Last time I checked, Nermal was said to be the world's cutest kitty cat. He was innocent, had a sweet high-pitched voice, and Garfield resented how adorable he was. Here.... well you got that he's a cat. Yea, fuckin well done! You looked on the back of a DVD box! It makes even less sense because Garfield doesn't have any reason to hate him. He's not cute, he's not a kitten, he doesn't really even do anything that
annoying. Yet, Garfield still puts them through this incredibly implausible
mousetrap stunt. Come to papa, baby! Got milk? Wow! You're really proud of that
one, weren't you? I mean, it wasn't like a side joke or
something you said under your breath. No, no. You made sure everything went quiet to deliver that incredible zinger. Got Milk? Ow, BAM! It's a thing that said and now you said it! It worked on so many levels! Hey, hey, I got one. I'm sorry, I'm sorry I know I'm only
five minutes in, but I can just tell pain is guaranteed on this viewing. It actually says it on the ticket stub as required by the FCC. Mouse! Get 'em, Garfield! So 'The font of fungus' also spends his
time socializing with the mouse named Louis. Louis, what are you doing in the house when John's home? Sorry Garfield and I couldn't help it. Jon got those macadamia nut cookies. I'm trying to maintain... As long as you understand, I have to eat you. You know, this conversation is so believable... I mean, between 'The Annoying Orange' trifle I know isn't there, and the mouse that's clearly being tortured by someone waving cheese above him, I'm really enjoying how these two fake effects are not distracting from the moment at all. He also enjoys, as you've probably
observed, making really forced jokes. That cat is everywhere. TV,
newspapers, t-shirts... who would want that kind of exposure? Well, if it leads to a cinematic testicle
chop like this, I suppose no one. Let's go for a ride to someplace you love. It always leaves you feeling pampered and refreshed. Chuck E Cheese...Wendy's? Taco Kitty? Olive Garden for you? What about product placement? Are we going to product placement? I heard they had really good 'Buy this shit!' He takes 'The pumpkin cancer' to a vet named Liz played by Jennifer Love Hewitt. Some part of me always wanted to know what it'd be like to have a pet that actually wants to play with you? You're a good friend. And you probably noticed the main problem with her as it's the exact same problem with Jon they're both too good-looking and bland. Don't get me wrong... both these two have
done good stuff in other films, but... who is Jon? He's a doofus, he's a dork, he's a loser that always
strikes out. Who is Liz? She's a cynic, she's a smart mouth, she doesn't care to impress anyone, especially him. Here... they are fucking greeting card
commercial. They're not funny, they're not smart, they're not quirky, and their chemistry is about as convincing as this nurse holding 'a wad of lifeless air'. Oh sorry, Garfield. But Liz decides to
give John a dog. Kinda random. His name's Odie. and he's not gonna make it if he has to live his life in the cage. He needs to be loved. Ok, ok...couple of things. One: There's gotta be a ton of dogs around
there that don't have homes. What makes this one so special? Second: Fuck you, that's not Odie! I mean what the hell? If Garfield can look like a
computer-generated abortion, why can't Odie look more like the cartoon? For fuck's sake, at least make him like a beagle or a basset hound. I mean...what the piss is this? Are you trying to go for the Goomba Award and making something that looks like something not looks like something? How come the majority of the characters look nothing like the ones they were based on? It be like totally changing
characters around here. Right, Santa Christ? Yeah, whatever bitch. Fuck you hoe, I got a rocket ship and a Harley. Wow, he sure is acting strange. Isn't he, Devil Boner? Oh yeah, totally strange.... Devil Boner? I'm definitely Devil Boner. You wouldn't call me Devil Boner if I
wasn't double boner, right? Well, I guess I can't fault you on that logic. What do you think, Uncle Yo? I don't really know what you mean! I'm still a high pitch New York Jew stereotype you all grown to love! OW! I guess I stepped on my foot! OW! That's going to ruin my day.... Nope, you're seem exactly the same! (The REAL Uncle Yo) That son of a bitch! I knew I kept that gun for the Ponyo review for good reason. Time for a sudden crossover! Ow, ow, ow, I stepped on my own foot... This is going to ruin my day... So they take Odie home to Jon's Hollywood rich house, paid by no see-able occupation, where Odie and 'The Lorax's butt' don't seem to get along. You can tell of course because they have.... a dance-off... is that we step out of here. Is that butt broken? Walk this way, please. I'm a walking yarn. Well, I hope you're blown away by this folks because it takes up a good couple of minutes... You probably should have practiced in
the garage, before you stepped up to someone of my level. Yeah...Have you ever wanted to entertain your baby while punishing him at the same time? Just show 'Q'bert's nutsack' dancing here and it will give him nightmares for a week. Oh, come on with that. I never thought of saying this before, but... you could be watching actual cat videos and probably get a lot more out of it. So Jon and Liz take Odie to a dog show
that she has to judge. Oh, are they gonna try to submit him or something? No, they just brought him so he can watch. Bizarrely useless. But Charmander's pubic hair follows and naturally gets in trouble. I'll catch up with you. It's probably just a mild concussion or maybe I'll get a CAT scan.... A CAT scan Quick vote. Um, do you think the writer work hours on that joke? Like stayed up super late at night coffee after coffee trying to perfect that joke? Or, do you feel he ate some paper, drink some ink, and farted out a screenplay? I am watched by good people. The dogs chase Wilford Brimley's
urine-stained mustache while Odie gets up and starts to do...this... It's certainly have a no-star in the arena. Ladies and gentlemen, this is amazing. I guess it is kind of amazing. I mean can science explain this: A dog on his hind legs? It just never happens. This is amazing. I mean...fuck the butt ugly cat that can
do karate moves, dance, utterly beyond any realm of reality, this dog is on his hind legs! Of course it deserves a standing ovation! What are we, just blind to miracles? The front page of the newspaper! Naturally! This is big news people! A dog stood on his hind legs! This is amazing! Let's see what else they'll applaud. Oh look, shiny keys! My fingernails! Air! Well, I think we found our real headline: Town High as Hell! Now it's starting to see why Garfield eats so much. So 'Tony the Tiger's Taint' accidentally
knocked over the world's most accident-prone room. Leading to Jon
putting him outside. But wait... he puts the cat outside? That's really fucking dangerous. You know me. I'm too lazy to try to destroy your house. Yeah I'm too lazy to destroy a house, but not have several dance sequences. You can't kick me out of my own house like I'm some kind of animal... Thanks for a lack of collar by the way in case I get lost. You're a seriously terrible owner. ♪ I used to have...Jon to myself.... ♪ Oh...it's a musical now! Fuck you! But the 'Star Fox ass hair' locks Odie outside... causing him to run away. This leads to him being found by a greedy TV show host looking to bank on his popularity. As you can see, Jon and
Liz are really torn up about it. We can't go out tonight. Why not? Odie's run away. What? That almost made me change my facial expression. If I cared, I'd be really upset. I can't find him . Why didn't you just tell me? I guess I figured... it was the only reason you're spending time with me. Wow...I really believe they were asked to say those lines. So they go looking for Odie, but 'The Wet Oompa Loompa armpit' sees him on TV. You're going to miss this! He's the small one! The small on in guy's hand! Christ, can I take this time to say that the product placement in this film is not only bad, it's Man of Steel bad? It's Fucking Everywhere! Not only is it
in every scene in the movie, but it's in areas you wouldn't even see in real life! Who the fuck puts Pepsi and Wendy's stickers on their train set? Or... did Pepsi actually say to their marketing team, "You know what market we haven't tapped yet? Train sets. I mean...I was going to invest in this animated cat movie, but the more I think about it, we gotta go where the real goal is. Tiny little signs and this incredibly popular demographic." I think you have something there. Thank You, Wendy! So 'Tigger's colon' decides he's gonna try to find Odie himself. "No...can't do this..." Yeah, he's barely at the house. He's barely out the house. He's barely out the house... He's barely out the.... yeah, let me just look at...yeah, he's barely out the house. If we guess the joke's before they happen, can we make the movie go faster? He gets the help of his friend, Louis,
who's now in the city. You know, those commuting suburbia to Big City rats. As he points out where Odie is being held. I guess we'll just purge the system. Don't you love those vents that just
take one button to purge the system? Hey, don't question 'The Purge', it just works. I'm just going to choose to ignore this. I don't need anyone to know I was in a Garfield movie. He finds Odie, only to discover the owner is using an illegal collar to control him. And... also works for the President of the United States. Um.... how does that work? We have to make a
deal with Iran to get more electric collars. Now, some of you might see this as... controversial. But, Bo needs to stop wetting the bed. <dog barking> <dog gets shocked> See? Pays for itself. Odie's taken away but 'Starfire's moldy cooch' isn't ready to give up. Dead. Let's have a moment of silence from the audience. Oh wait, you're watching 'Garfield'. There's been nothing but moments of silence from the audience. My life has been saved by the miracle of lasagna. Is it too late to be a Garfield minus Garfield movie? He of course survives, but gets captured by a dog catcher and put in the pound. Yeah that's right, carry that nothing. It's so looks like you're trying to pretend that something is there. Don't worry, these animators will get great jobs in Jurassic World. But 'Heathcliff vomit' frees everybody, allowing him a distraction to escape. Thus, he goes to save Odie at the train
station, where he's being taken away. What will you be having today? Salmon, steak or lasagna? Steak I hate lasagna. Oh, now we know he's the bad guy. Not kidnapping the dog pulling it through a bunch of tortures. No, it's the fact that he doesn't love lasagna. In case you're wondering... no, this never comes into play again. You think Garfield would knock a bunch of lasagna onto him or something. But no, it's an entirely pointless line. It's like Shredder in the Ninja Turtles movie suddenly saying.... I hate pizza. Just to let you know that. Well you act like a jerk sometimes. To stop the train, he sneaks into the control panel and he starts randomly pushing buttons controlling every single train. Because, yeah, that's how it works. I think I recognize that whine. It's similar to the people who want
their money back. Good to see you partner But the villain comes in and stop them because... clearly neither of them could jump over that suitcase. Just to recap, easy... impossible to get over. This movie has a
'Masters of What the Fuckery'. Let's see how you feel with 200 volts coursing through that thick canine skull of yours. Well I can't possibly find another dog who stands on his hind legs. You're like the Jesus of canines. But the animals he free from the pound show up to save the day Ok....they don't kill him, but they do put a stop to his evil plan just as Jon and Liz show up to pretty much contribute nothing. So, basically like the rest of the film. "Garfield! Odie!" Come here you sack of air you... And because this movie had so many good idea that they couldn't film the thematic running time, here's a completely pointless dancing... ♪ Wow, I feel Good! I knew that I would...♪ Yeah it literally ties into nothing. It just cuts to him dancing out of nowhere. And that was 'Garfield' the movie How does it hold up? I think Bill Murray said it best. You have any regrets? Garfield maybe... Garfield is a great character. In many respects, he's kind of an immortal. Much like the Looney Tunes or Mickey Mouse, even if when he's not funny, we'll still watch him because he's timeless and will last forever. That's how good a character he is. This.... in no way represents any of that. It's the wrong mood, the wrong look, the wrong feel, and the wrong humor. I love this character even to this day. And usually when they don't get them right, I still love it because he's so easy to love. This is the first time I actually felt betrayed. Trust me, I seen him
poorly represented before, but I still kind of bought it. Because when that stuff failed, it's still at least tried to represent the heart and spirit of what Garfield was. Here, you feel every lazy, manipulative, empty, corporate whoring second like you're watching a funeral at a pet cemetery. I will still always love Garfield, but only when some element of care, even the tiniest bit, is put in. As far as I'm concerned, I don't see any of that effort here. Therefore, I don't see Garfield. And I'm pretty good at spotting the real thing. Speaking of which... Action... or don't. We don't care. it's a dog-eat-dog world boy. NOOOOO!!!!!! It's lead-tasting time, assholes! Oooh, I am so bad as well.... Who the hell was that? Beats me. This is amazing! Maybe I'll get a cat scan. A CAT scan
