The "I Release You" Response To A Narcissist

[Music] as we begin today I want you to think about some of the most common responses you give to a narcissist when that person is acting well like a narcissist you know that person can come at you with their craving to be in control and they have to be dominant so they are going to be stubborn toward you or they can invalidate whatever it is you're saying or they can mess up the various plans that you have or they may just show that they hold you in contempt or the people that you care about in contempt and they just can be a disruptive force in your own personal emotional development as you respond to those individuals it's very common that you do so with what we might call an irritability flare-up you can go into your place of tension and agitation pretty quickly and annoyance you know why do you have to be the way that you are many times with that being the case you'll respond by trying to plead your case then you ask questions like why can't you do this or let me explain to you why that I was doing the thought the way I did and you want to give them all of your good logic they're not going to listen to it very well but sometimes you respond that way anyway many times your response draws you into a fruitless discussion you try to have that long-standing talk about how we're going to define our relationship and where we're going from here and then you realize this is a debate that sounds a whole lot like some of the other discussions we've had before that have gotten us nowhere particularly good you can respond by becoming guarded calculated and having that walking on eggshells kind of feeling sometimes you go into appeasement mode towards that person because it's like whatever sometimes you you can respond by going into shutdown mode and you pull back and then you just can go into your feelings of bitterness or resentment things of that nature depression anxiety many times you'll respond by just talking about that person behind their back now I want and by the way we could add more kind of responses but I think you kind of get the trend there I want you to notice that each time you respond in these kinds of ways and and I get it you're gonna have these reactions but it keeps you tethered to the narcissism the narcissus instead of thinking whoa since you responded like that I guess I'm gonna clean up my act they don't do that those responses become fuel to their soul it's like see you're proving to me why I have to stay dominant over you and so they double down on all of their controlling and insensitive kinds of efforts and not only do they not become any better they tend to become worse or they just perpetuate their narcissistic pattern but it also illustrates when you go into these kind of responses that you you've got some unfinished business on the inside of yourself that you'll need to come to terms with and right at the top of the list of your unfinished business is you're clinging to a hope that is not going to come to fruition you know anytime that you think to yourself well maybe if I speak the certain way or respond in this kind of style or give them a convincing kind of argument maybe this is going to be the time that they show the cooperation I'm so desperately looking for or maybe they're gonna give me the kind of affirmation that I was hoping for or perhaps this is gonna be the time when I get respect or you're hoping for the possibility of change I know that we can get there because you're you yourself are committed to it but you're hoping that other person will join you and it just doesn't happen and one of the things that I would encourage you to think about is just the sheer numbers of times when you've had these kind of responses so many times used to feel like oh I guess I could just punch the button and play the replay and it'll just kind of be a repeat of what we've been through before now if we've heard about many people talking about when you're with this narcissistic person you just need to go no content with them and I get it sometimes you need to physically remove yourself particularly if if it's going to be totally destructive or if you have very better alternatives go - sometimes that's not possible but even so you can still learn to psychologically go no contact if you will by taking the I release you approach as you respond to these people now I'm drawing from some of my information that I've given in years past with my anger workshops when you feel angry intense and agitated you have five options basically one is you can suppress your emotion two is you can be openly aggressive and just go toe-to-toe with that other person and in doing so you wind up becoming a nun groovy person yourself three is you can be passive-aggressive as you respond to that person those are options they're not good options a fourth option and this is a good one is you can be assertive and there are in fact times when you'll need to hear yourself stand up for who you are what you believe you want to stand up for your convictions and put into play consequences and stipulations that's a part of the way that you can respond to the narcissism but ultimately in number five the way you can respond is you can learn to release that person from these false hopes recognizing this individual is broken they don't know how to do life very well and I'm going to release them to themselves and I'm going to release myself to a different way of life now in order for you to take this I release you approach you'll need to have in your mind what I refer to as your higher priorities I just want you to think you do you have some higher priorities begun just trying to get along with the the narcissist or trying to get through your day with your behaviors and tasks and all of that I hope so for example when I talk about that I give higher priority to my own good decisions I don't need to be over here arguing with this person who won't be convinced of anything or I want to give priority to being a steady person in the way that I am emotionally I want to give higher priority to my own inner peace and learn how to live into that I want to give higher priority to a life that's based upon goodness and I want that to be something I'm known for I want to give higher priority to self-restraint which is a characteristic narcissists know little about I want to give higher priority to being known not as a person of fear or anger but as a person committed to the way of love I want to give higher priority to connecting with people who actually know how to connect and reverse I want to give higher priorities by to shedding myself of individuals who don't know how to do relationships well and bring only negative energy so when the narcissist comes at you and you have all of these other kind of responses that you can give to their narcissistic behavior I'm hoping you can just think of those three simple words I release you as you engage with this individual and I want it I want you to see if you can understand how this can actually help you commit to being a much healthier individual now these three words I release you are not words that you'll necessarily say out loud but you can be thinking them inside your mind as you engage and respond to that person let me give you an idea of how this can work for example you can this is you thinking toward the narcissist when you're being intrusive or pushing toward me I release you I'll drop any presumption that you can think and behave like a big boy or a big girl you're released when you cling to your anger even if it turns abusive I release you I'll set into motion instead consequences indicating my unwilling to be a party to your bullying behavior when you speak poorly about my character I release you your opinion serves only you and your broken ego I get it when you refuse to listen to me or even just give me simple courtesy I release you I'll move on to people who have more refined relationship skills when you indicate your lack of trust in me I release you I don't need your trust in order to be a good person when you presume that I'm supposed to overlook any of your inappropriate attitudes or behaviors I release you I won't compromise my integrity to a person who has low character when you give me advice that I don't need or want I release you you're not someone I look to or take counsel from as I plan my life when you threaten me or intimidate me I release you I'm willing to adjust my life circumstances so I no longer have to filter my life through you you owe me so much for your poor treatment of me and I will stand upon my my boundaries and my stipulations and my convictions and yet you owe me nothing as it relates to my own inner healthiness and peace I'm a free person I'm going to be fully me and you are officially released from any requirement to help me find my way into a life of serenity I release you I do hope that you find some sort of good stimulation from words such as this and insights like this and I know that you can tell I feel deeply about this I want you to have a good life and I want you to have a life that is is grounded in what you know to be wisest and best and stop staying tethered to somebody who just doesn't know how to do life well at all now if you've not already hit that subscribe button I invite you to do so we will have more videos coming your way sometimes when you are listening to videos such as this you're talking to other individuals about these struggles it can prompt the need to say you know I want to talk with a licensed professional counselor and we vetted a trusted group now that can help you with that we have a link below that will not take you to the place where you can get some online counseling and in today's age online counseling has become more and more popular I would encourage you to seek that out all through my career I've been referring to other therapists and that's what I'm doing right now in addition we we have our surviving narcissism TV website and my doctor les Carter comm website links to my books and online videos and even coffee mugs when we say I release you that narcissist we're also saying I released me to become the person that I need to be and that being the case I'm hoping that you release yourself into your place of peace and goodness I hope that you're released into being an individual who who knows and lives the essence of love [Music]

Channel: Surviving Narcissism

Views: 264,514

Rating: 4.9623785 out of 5

Keywords: narcissism, covert narcissism, dr les carter, how to respond to a narcissist, responding to a narcissist, dealing with a narcissist, surviving narcissism, communicating with a narcissist, how to talk to a narcissist, toxic relationship signs, signs of a narcissist, signs of a toxic person, narcissistic abuse, narcissistic, narcissist, dr carter surviving narcissism, therapy, therapist, communication, narcissistic personality disorder, mental health, covert narcissist

Id: L36iqVsWdHk

Length: 12min 29sec (749 seconds)

Published: Thu May 14 2020