8 Ways To Outsmart The Controlling Narcissist

[Music] [Music] one of the most common things that we can say about the person that has that real strong narcissistic bent is they're constantly trying to remind you of who's in charge they have to be in control and they have to make sure that you understand that they've got all of the power they have all of the the resources necessary to make the proper decisions and you don't and one of the common things that I deal with with people in my counseling office is they'll come in here it's like you know these folks just about want to just tell me what to do and run my life and I can't stand it and so they have all of their anger issues well let's see if today we can figure out how to outsmart that controller who's trying to just make you be a mini version of them let's see if we can figure out some ways that that's just not going to happen so what I've done is I've come up with eight common scenarios where a narcissist will let you know I've got the controls you need to conform to my controls and then with each of these eight common scenarios I'm going to see if we can figure out a better alternative and I think you're gonna like what we had to say because in essence what we're the mindset we're going to start with is a person cannot control you until you hand over your willingness to be controlled and so we're not going to do that okay for example one of the first scenarios that we want to look at narcissists will very commonly construct an in-out frame of reference you're with me you're against me you're on the team with me you're not on the team with me and so in essence they want to make sure that you think the correct way that you have the proper kinds of priorities and interpretations and then if you don't then it's curtains for you and I'll have people that it's just like you know they're just so black and white and my response to that is yeah they really are aren't they so here's the outsmarting that you can do why don't we begin with the notion that says you can think in and out for me or again me but I don't I don't think in those kind of terms I feel no need to be deemed in or out and if that's something that you want to do if that's a a label that you want to stick on me okay I'm not attempting to gain entrance into whatever kind of organization you're kind of trying to come up with I don't play the n versus out game well then they'll come back and a second thing that they'll do they'll demonize you when you speak against the agenda that they have it's like well there's just something really wrong with you because you just won't do anything you're just a rebel you're a nonconformist you're malcontents and they can talk all day long about how you're impossible to deal with and so when they demonize you now you're outsmarting of that is going to be something to the effect of well you may have any opinion of me that you want and if you think of me as being some awful human being that's not exactly my favorite thing but I I don't look to you to define who I am and how I think about me I get to have my own opinion of me and so it drives them crazy and then they want to keep coming back and giving all sorts of evidences as to why you're that demon person it's like okay you have all the evidence that you want I still have my same opinion now a third thing that they like to do is they'll rally their flying monkeys to scorn you many times the the narcissists can have other people that they have figured out that if they can kind of make them conform to what they want and so those are their flying monkeys they're the ones who just kind of do the bidding of the narcissist and shake their heads so yeah okay you're right mr. mrs. narcissist and so the narcissist when they find out that you are not willing to conform they start talking they talk to the to the people it's like well let me explain to you Oh Joe or Jane over here they're just so impossible in the flying monkeys it's like oh that's really terrible isn't it how are you going to respond to that well how about you decide I feel no need to be one more flying monkey you people may think whatever you want and if a person is in your social or family or business setting and and they get caught up in that narcissism scoring of you and that they just fall in line with the narcissist what it says is that's not necessarily someone I want on my inner circle anyway now I know it's awkward and uncomfortable when you know that people think of you as that person that's over there but you outsmart the narcissist by determining within yourself I don't need to be on that team I have team healthy over here that I'm going to join and y'all are not part of that team at all are you well a fourth thing that narcissus can do they they may find some of the things that you are tuned in to you're excited about or you enjoy doing and they want to squelch any innovative or creative thoughts and preferences that you might have and it may be things that you like to do in your spare time or it may be that interpretations that you have about doing life or activities that you want to have that's just kind of uniquely you it's like no you shouldn't be doing that and I don't know where you came up with that and that's a ridiculous idea and hell they'll they'll say all sorts of things about that it's their way of saying there's a groove here and you have to stay in that groove what if you decided there I get to choose my own way thank you very much and so if you don't like my creativity if you don't like the activities that I enjoy well I'll either tell you how I enjoyed it later on I'm finished with it maybe you'll ask me about it and if you don't I'm gonna enjoy life in what more in what makes sense to me with people who can appreciate me and and basically trying to squelch all you want but I'm gonna go ahead and do what I want to I've had conversations with people and they'll say well that narcissistic person doesn't want me to do this activity or that activity and I'll say well what would you do what would you think if you just said I'm just going to do it anyway and they'll look at me like now Carter you're a genius ya know go figure and that's what I'm saying go do it let them try to squelch but do what you need to do have your own creativity in your own initiatives now a fifth thing that's highly predictable that's a part of their narcissistic bent is they will mock you and ridicule anyone who goes along with you in your preferred way of living and thinking narcissists I like to control via insults and name-calling and sarcasm and and all sorts of sporting kinds of behaviors now many times people collapse like that and they think oh this is so terrible that that narcissist is saying ugly things about these people that I appreciate let them think what they want to think that you're gonna outsmart the narcissist when they go into the mocking and ridicule mode by letting it be known I will speak my truth and I will make my decisions and if you want to mock me frankly that's it that's a commentary about who you are much more so than it's a commentary about me I have no need to to come back against your mocking and your ridiculing I don't play that game well that's the sixth thing that a narcissist can do is they can remind you over and over and over how other you are you don't measure up you're not worthy to be with me and so you're out there and you're not somebody that that I need to associate with well you outsmart them as opposed to saying please please don't think that about me you outsmart them by letting it be known yeah I really am kind of other aren't I and you embrace it I like being other I don't want to be in in this mindset over here so as you remind me of that I'm I take it to heart that says it's really okay for me to be separate and distinct or a seventh thing that a narcissist might do is that they'll set up impossible conditions for you to be accepted let's suppose that they find out failures of yours or weaknesses or flaws or just things that just didn't go real well and then they come at you it's like this is why I don't accept people like you this is fine I don't have any use for someone like you well you outsmart them by letting them know I realize that and I understand that the the good news is you're not the persons whose acceptance I build my self-esteem line and so it would be nice if you would accept me but if you don't then your acceptance is not the final word anyway and then eighth and finally what they often will do is they'll show absolutely no mercy to you as as you show yourself to be different or human or and just somebody that won't go along with you and they can just kind of throw a barrage at all sorts of decisions that you make a barrage of insults at all sorts of decisions that you make and so you outsmart them there by thinking you know you show no mercy to me I'm gonna become a person of mercy and I'm first gonna have mercy towards myself as my humanity is known and as I determined how I'm gonna deal with the highs and lows of my life I want to have a sense of grace and mercy and goodness and decency and then what I'm going to do is I'm going to do it towards other people who have the same need and so mr. or mrs. narcissist if you have no mercy and if you feel the need to pronounce yourself as above and better I'm sorry that you think that way but I like the fact that I I'm a person that is merciful now what we're doing is we're outsmarting the narcissist by saying I have an entirely different way of thinking but the narcissist wants you to collapse the narcissist wants you to capitulate they want you to think all this is terrible now that you're thinking poorly of me the narcissist wants you to be afraid they want you to be very afraid the narcissist likes it when you argue with them because they let's them think see this is this is how you're why you're such a trouble person the narcissist wants you to live with chronic doubt they want you to live under a yoke of shame and guilt they want you to repeat your mistakes over and over and so they can just keep coming back at you with with all their condescension and criticism the narcissist wants you to challenge your own legitimacy and then they want to put their legitimacy their version of it onto you so we outsmart the narcissist by saying go right ahead people what you are because you're gonna do that anyway the good news is I have separate thoughts I have separate ideas I have separate priorities I'm sticking with that that's how you do it I do hope that you find benefit with videos such as this beneath the video here you'll see a subscribe button I would encourage you to hit that we also have links to some of my books and online workshops we even have links to some promotional stuff like coffee mugs and things like that if you have a need for online online counseling and I know that some of you can take advantage of that we have a link for that too and I would encourage that basically what we want to just help you along your journey and make sure that you're doing well and that you're going to be able to move forward in a way that gets the best from within yourself so all of that having been said thank you for letting me be a part of your journey I hope this gives you some food for thought and I shall see you next time you [Music]

Channel: Surviving Narcissism

Views: 958,217

Keywords: narcissism, narcissist, Dr. Les Carter, controlling people, Narcissists in relationships

Id: wAW1NS2Sspw

Length: 13min 10sec (790 seconds)

Published: Fri Sep 06 2019

Reddit Comments

[u/kl0]

I would say that for anybody who is healthy, confident, comfortable, secure in who they are - these suggestions come extremely naturally. I've never once in my life worried about what other people say about me, if they make fun of me, or if they try to manipulate me in any way. It really doesn't work. But I have to thank my parents and friends for instilling those traits in me from an early age.

I do feel bad for people who truly struggle to follow the suggestions this guy is saying. He even says how people have told him how simple it all is - that he's a genius - and he kind of shrugs it off as "yea, who knew?". He's right though - I've seen how enlightening these very, very basic points can be to somebody who just wasn't raised to follow them and have them come naturally to them. It's sad seeing people get so easily manipulated by other people - almost always as a function of their own insecurities and needing the person trying to control them to give them that praise they so require.

I hope people are able to follow what this guy says as gospel (only real). It's 100% spot on.

[u/tearsinrain66]

This is wonderful.

[u/StrategicalOpossum]

This is actually very helpfull for a lot of people...

I struggled for years by being to nice too machiavelistic personnalities, and I learned these principles the hard way.

I regret my late education regarding social power, not to practice though, but to accept and protect myself from people that can really hurt you bad in the long term.

If you know someone who needs to hear that, you should tell'em even if that means desillusion, and long time friendship ruptures if these relationships are toxic for them.

Educate yourself on people behaviors, for yourself, and for them. I personnaly started with 48 rules of power, by Robert Greene (be careful not to become an asshole on the way)