The Horrible World of Kinect Games - Caddicarus

this is jim he lives in the skip oh my aching head what did i do yesterday hey sleepyhead you want a coffee cappuccino no [Music] very good you're the funniest funny on all of youtube you are such a fun i don't want a coffee give me something with a little more woof can you say please no i can say woof why are you being so rude shut up come on i want a real ram you know what screw off forget the coffee take this and shove it up your ass i've got to connect and it smells quite old it is unlike anything you've ever experienced before connect for xbox 360. 2010. bp spilled a load of oil over the gulf of mexico a five-year-old irish kid was falsely accused of stealing a bag of crisps mel gibson leaves a voicemail message with lots of n-words and microsoft released the xbox 360 connect to a very very unsuspecting public originally known as project natal during development which honestly makes it sound like they wanted to give the xbox a belly button or a nose the connect's aim was simple to bring you into video games like no other console had before by forcing you to stand up and wave your arms around like you're having a moment come on what else makes you feel like an epic gamer more than smacking your children in the head oh wait it's pronounced natal that's the dumbest thing i've ever heard i mean let's be real these things here they're just too hard what do you what do you want me to do with this hold it now mate with microsoft's connect your body is now the controller please hold me to be honest though i do have to give microsoft credit here because all things considered the connect itself was a success and continues to be used with xbox one systems even today okay fine it wasn't giving the nintendo wii a run for its money or the nintendo wii but just watch this demonstration at e3 and tell me that you don't want to connect right now that's enough please oh please stop it i can't take it anymore if you lick me one more time i'll skin you and make you a handbag and that is where the story should end shouldn't it xbox has some exciting new technology they sell a load of units they create a dump truck load of games exclusively for it and everybody's happy but it isn't the end because there was only one tiny little thing holding the connect back as you can see when i start making movements my avatar it instantly mimics me on screen it doesn't work even i have tried it out in a couple of videos in the past and the results have always been a bastarding mess what do you mean stand back what are you talking about what stand back here where do you want me to go stand closer make up your mind go to the pigeon throw go to the pigeon throw turn right patrick turn right please turn right you stupid lumpy pink thumb it doesn't matter what i do to rectify the issues either i've used multiple kinect cameras in the past on multiple 360s with multiple lighting conditions and yet i still can't manage to get this thing working to a level where i can say yes this is an acceptable substitution for a controller i don't care if it's better or not i'm just looking for it to be usable but perhaps i just got very unlucky in the past and picked some really bad connect games rather than it being a problem with the kinect camera itself so today's video aims to answer the question is the connect now infamous because it was stuck with a load of really awful games or because the camera itself is a massive piece of [ __ ] so then i what else bought myself 17 new connect games to play through today in order to give this filthy cret in a sporting chart but unfortunately because of youtube's content id system i couldn't play those games with heavily copyrighted music in them meaning no fantasia music evolved or michael jackson the experience which is a shame because i've heard good things about them even though the idea of playing walt disney's fantasia with missy elliot sounds horrific and the michael jackson experience sounds like you'd spend most of the game appearing in court so enough gaggling let's get on with this shall we i think we should start by checking out the first thing that you see when you start the thing up the xbox dashboard [Music] please be nice to me so here i am in the main xbox 360 dashboard menu say hello oh look at that it actually you know what i'm gonna give xbox credit here this works surprisingly well it knows exactly where my body is you'll need a controller why i'm using connect isn't the whole point that i don't need a controller anyway as i was saying it knows where my body is it knows which hand i'm pointing towards the screen and which direction they're being pointed in it's incredibly responsive it knows when i'm swiping and in what direction i'm swiping in like there's no okay that went wrong but overall it's surprisingly good you know it works so um let's try out the best game to demonstrate the power of this thing i'm raving rabbids yes what game couldn't be better at showing off what the kinect can do other than raving rabbids don't know what these things are then i want to open your head and live inside you warm and happy not knowing anything about them either originally an enemy from a rayman game for some reason the rabbits became to games what the minions are to film ugly screaming little munters that exist in their hundreds and sell merchandise every second they can finally a character for me the rabbids are coming to life everybody run i've got a question for you who doesn't love the rabbids aside for everybody i don't even think kids like them which is very lucky because this game begins with you needing to smack one upside the head in order to start it we then see a cut scene where a man is on the foe talking with a goose and then he suddenly throws his phone in the bin which falls down a series of tubes and alongside a rabbit in an acid bath the only place where it belongs then another one comes in and eats the phone and then another one looks at a screen and another one gets stuck in a door is this funny am i supposed to be laughing because i'm not laughing i'm skipping after the main menu and i got an achievement but you don't get an achievement for putting your hands up you get shot now i don't think i should mess with any options here that require more than one player so i'll stick with quick play for now after a loading screen we end up on a game where we need to suck up all of the spaghetti sauce meaning that we need to lean our head left and right to catch it all and that's it oh okay then i didn't even manage to do it that well nice try here have some toilet paper oh and while you're here have a picture of you standing wonky oh after this is another loading screen and we're thrown into another game raise our hand to choose an answer we have to count the fake moving sheep pick the correct answer and that's it [Music] [Applause] after this we're thrown into another game spin a pickle jar lid as fast as possible and that's it so that's all this is a load of 10 second mini games back to back with no point yes yes it is well i don't like that not even kidding that is all this game is slowly moving from one tiny mini game to the next while being shown pictures of how much fun you're having it's like if warioware let you play one game per minute in fact you are in loading screens for more time than actually playing the games that are loading and after all the waiting you're rewarded with a game that tells you that rabbits like shoving barbies up their holes oh what's that you've got another picture for me great perfect i look like a lamp i mean i can't say that the game doesn't work because it does but there's absolutely no reason to bother playing it if you're alone it's just one tiny mini game after the other with no rhyme or reason it's kind of sad actually which is why they included a mini game that lets you play with your very own rabbit to pretend that you have a friend hey what's the point of this game what am i doing oh jesus why is it not working why why are you half a bunny okay doesn't matter he's gone oh no okay he's now the sofa i'm going to sit on him oh he like that now he's leaving so um this is this is a great mode everybody this is why you want to connect so that you can have a fake [Music] i didn't mean to do that but i'm glad it happened so i can kick the thing that's good to know i can't kick the thing that's good to know say what do you want to be when you grow up an astronaut great a little slap will surely make him change his might change his mind about what women's rights ah that's fun oh that's fun this is [ __ ] well obviously that was some pretty low hanging fruit wasn't it starting a connect games video with raving rabbids okay that's fair yeah i'm a big [ __ ] a big floppy yeah i get it i get it i'll play fair then why don't i take a look at two of the launch titles that came bundled with the kinect instead connect sports and connect adventures first off connect adventures which believe it or not actually has a story mode you basically need to do a massive series of full body motion quests like river rafting obstacle courses ball bouncing and bubble popping in order to discover and collect these things called living statues which you can then make bend over you know what's funny though this actually works and not only does it work it works really well this is the first connect thing i have played where i can safely say that if you move your body it then does a thing move your arm the game moves your arm move your leg the game moves your leg move your head the game moves your head move your junk oh no honestly i'm speechless and that's really dumb because i shouldn't be considering how simple this is all you're doing is ducking sidestepping jumping using your arms and feet individually but because connect has such an awful track record with games not working for the bloody thing whenever you get a game that actually reads what your body is doing relatively well it feels like the second coming of christ and the first coming was already pretty good look at that it even knows when i decide to itch my nose or wait do i have a nose but i can't quite see my face oh oh god oh no actually don't stand back no don't get any closer watch out everybody caddy's coming to get you through the tv ultimately it's still as simplistic and family-friendly as a pair of shoes but it's functional and if some of the photos the game took were of me looking like this this and this then i can't say it wasn't at least a little bit fun that is except for one thing the noise that happens when you hit yourself i find that very offensive because my mother died in a car crash last year and the noise it made was no laughing matter the exact same things can be said about connect sports too even though it doesn't look like anyone on the cover wants to be there well actually maybe the kid is a little bit too happy i love stepping on my son take wii sports and remake it so that you use your entire body instead of just your hands and you have connect sports just like connect adventures it's really basic stuff but i can't knock it because it works really damn well it knows where i'm leaning it knows where i'm twisting it knows where my knees are it knows when i'm kicking it knows how much force i put into arm swings it knows how fast i roll my arms it even knows when i'm having a drink of water i'm so impressed i could just go and buy a phone on t-mobile the only sport here i didn't really like to be honest was football not only because i don't like it to begin with i mean just look at me i'm thrilled to be here but also because it's just a load of standing around waiting for you to have the ball waiting for a tutorial window to leave you alone and then kicking it to the next person while you wait to have the ball wait for a tutorial window to leave you alone and then kick it again it's honestly quite boring and i won way too easily i won 10 nil and that was mostly from goals that looked like this cool one thing i did notice while playing both of these games though was something very cool about the kinect camera itself i've never seen this happen on any other kinect game before but i think the reason these two games work so well is because it actually tracks your movement as you run duck and jump in order to get the best accuracy possible they clearly knew what they were doing here and i can respect that for launch titles but i still wouldn't recommend actually buying either of them they're too rudimentary and wear out their welcome in a few minutes and i mean if you really desperately want a game where you fix leaks quickly either have a baby or work in an old people zone ah damn it i'm not doing too well on the javelin throw here but i've got one more chance to boost up my score and win the game i just need to run a little bit faster and throw a little bit harder come on come on board man you can do this i believe in you [Applause] you know what maybe i'm just not fit enough which is a good thing because i've got get fit with mel b yeah yeah yeah jump up boys and girls it's time to get fit with mel b get fit with melbourne oh mellow for those of you who don't know who she is mel b used to be a singer with the spice girls but now she's in a connect game where she shouts at you for being fat you know what though why not connect sports in particular made me realize that i'm not exactly in the best shape to be dealing with something like the kinect so it's a good thing that i've got get fit with mel b to help me out and i do feel good about this because whoever had the game before me burned a little bit of fat on the side of the case so what are we waiting for lads let's strap on our sports shoes and spit in a bucket because it's time for another edition of time to get the disc out then oh where is it oh it's there you win this round melb when were you born [Music] i'm tired already can we take a break there we go hello everybody my name is cad icarus i'm male i was born on the 19th of june 1994. i'm 5 foot 10 and i live on a luxury yacht however little did i know that when i put in the disc of get fit with melb that i would be greeted with one of the most uncanny and disturbing games i've played in recent memory the workout began melon looked me dead in the eye she said put your right hand up now to start and then the floodgates were opened this is what happened when i played get fit with mel b no oh my gosh she's cut my feet off mel what you've done to me it's my good friend everybody mel b on my my luxury yacht mel you changed clothes we're in the middle of the sea where's the wardrobe having problems i'm having major problems mel because you've served me off on a chopping board am i going to be put into a steak bend over and uppercut there you go i'm now properly on your chopping board it's caddy spit roast hey mel do you find it a little bit funny how we're in the middle of a desert and i look a lot like jesus if it wants my feet in the game then i have to be standing on top of the sofa which means i've got to be here i told you about barging into people's yachts and forcing them to exercise i'm meditating i'm floating mel are you not impressed yeah i disappeared mel where have i gone mel did you send me to the end of the dimension where am i the bricks have taken over they're never gonna leave oh god oh my god it's just my legs now it's it's get fit with chicken thighs you're supposed to be helping me get fit not make me think of kfc hey mel have you met my dog he's a big fan of the spice girls and he likes it when his butt gets itched on your luxury hot well i think it's safe to say and you know what i honestly don't know why mel b was needed for any of this it didn't feel like her game at all it could have been anybody standing there mel you never told me your luxury yacht had a hidden compartment the michael jackson game though that would be his game you can't replace mj in that otherwise there wouldn't be that mini game where you dangle your kid from a balcony [Music] oh [ __ ] don't think i need to explain this but get fit with mel b isn't very good now sadly if you're really upset unfortunately it isn't legal to shoot mel b but it's okay if you can't shoot her in real life you can always pretend to shoot her with a gun game up next is the gun stringer another early connect title for the 360 and one that uses animations from granny 3d but i really miss grandfather 2d and not to jump the gun here but this is the most creative use of the connect technology i've seen so far in any connect game not just because of its adorably creative live stage puppet show setting with real human hands controlling all the obstacles and props but because of how it makes a rail shooter work on something like the kinect basically your left hand moves the gun stringer left right and you pull it upwards to jump just like you're holding the string bar of a real puppet while your right hand acts as your gunning arm for whenever you find mel b but obviously the kinect can't exactly pick up teeny tiny individual finger motions meaning that firing your gun while aiming has to be done in a more user-friendly way so how they got around that here is by allowing you to lock onto a maximum of six targets at once for each shot and then when you're ready fling your shooting arm back like the recoil of a gun to activate all the bullets that you had locked on with it isn't perfect don't get me wrong especially if your arms accidentally cross over each other while aiming your gun and moving left and right but it works well enough where i could actually recommend you digging out a copy here there's multiple types of shooting mini games that are thrown your way a good sense of humor a nice mix of platforming as well as shooting in fact it's more fun than dropping your kid from a window and making him cry [Music] by the way i've got a question why does that look like an avocado in conclusion the gunstringer is a good time and it's also very round and what do straight men do when they see whopping galloping breets like that they get a woody toy story mania yay and i hope you're all ready because we're about to dive into some dark throwing ring tossing egg flinging eye gouging sausage licking toe smelling green goblin victim blaming placenta cooking fun now i'm not completely against the idea of a toy story party game that uses motion control sounds like it could be quite fun actually you know being inside andy's room smacking bo peep around for losing her sheet for the millionth time can you find mine so i can't wait any longer let's jump into adventure mode boot up the wild west world and get on okay all right we've got a practice mode mini game to start with and all we need to do is aim while an unlimited amount of pies are flung at buzz's obese chin nice and easy i've got this one in the bag time to start aiming at targets oh oh wait oh dear no there's no targets up there now i'm no expert here but maybe the connect can see my hands when they're there and then but they can't when they're smushed in together close to my chest i don't know i i mean i it's just a thought and i tried using one hand on its own to see if i could get more accuracy but nope the game doesn't even register you aiming at anything if you do that which is kind of a problem in a game without jesse okay well maybe it wasn't such a good world to start with how about we try the space world next we boot it up and get thrown into another practice mode where we aim an unlimited amount of pies being flung towards are we about to play the same game again yes yes we are you know because it was just the first time but guys it's even better than the last game because now instead of dart we're throwing rings you know what i think i'm just gonna quit oh you're not gonna quit are you yes i am woody because you're terrible and i hate you another adventure mode it is then animals and friends this sounds like a nice bit of variety we boot it up and get thrown into another practice mode where we aim an unlimited amount i'm gonna quit this one too okay surely there'll be something else to do if i scrap the adventure mode and head straight for the party mode lots of different types of fast-paced mini-games one after the other what could possibly go wrong this is all the game is isn't it yeah isn't it great toy story mania is a game where you stand still and vaguely rotate your body by a few degrees while a cursor doesn't follow where you're pointing at that's the whole game the kinect only has to do one job and even then it simply can't do it what use is a game all about aiming at targets when you're working with an aiming cursor that stays with you just as much as andy's dad and the weird thing though is that the menus work absolutely perfectly i mean it knows exactly when i'm trying to pause the game by holding one arm down straight and pushing the other one out but has an absolute fit whenever i bend down just a little bit to avoid a pie in the face limbs out of frame what the hell are you talking about you're looking at me i'm right there better with kinect sensor if that's the case then i'd hate to see this game without it so to summarize toy story mania works at its best when you want to quit it which is all you would want to do with it anyway meaning it's actually the perfect video game aim for the bullseye oh come on woody your mouth didn't even say that it was closer to af you know what maybe a connect game built entirely around one pixar movie was never that great of an idea to begin with i think you deserve some bonus credits break the generators for extra power gee thanks buzz how about instead we check out another game that has a million pixar movies in it connect rush connect rush does that mean does that mean we get to play hurry and spin oh okay all right we're great all right we're going we're spinning oh jesus so here we are with disney pixar's connect rush a game where you play as a child that ignores everybody that speaks to him you ain't about any chance want to play cars would you and one day he catches a bus to the pug in order to go to all these different pixar worlds in the park and pretend to be in them i love playing mater he cracks me up yeah i'm not even kidding this is the saddest game ever made all you do is run around a theme park talk to kids and then pretend to have fun what kind of [ __ ] theme park is this where are the rides why is everyone okay with this where are your parents is this lord of the flies so let's take a step back for a second you are playing a video game where you're pretending to go to a pixar theme park but the game itself is you pretending to go to a pixar theme park don't let that turn you off though because i actually had a bit of fun with this one wow i didn't expect that in its simplest terms pixar rush is an on-rails platforming game where you travel through multiple pixar movies and usually means you have to move with your arms like this but sometimes means you have to move them like you're a drowning dog there's a few mechanics added in and changed across all the movies to spice things up and surprisingly enough not only does this game work really well with reading your running arm motions leans and jumps than something like toy story mania but is also 10 times more fun than that game too even though it's like five smaller games in one package i didn't like all of it though like with up where the game couldn't really figure out if i was rowing a boat or having a stroke and on the calibration screen the game was convinced i had scoliosis but overall i'm kind of impressed at how well this all works and you get a lot of variety for your buck too oh look i even got an extra disc in the box here do not make illegal copies of this disc yeah that'll stop him i wonder what's on this disc though [Music] and i'm here to tell you that your house is ugly and you should be ashamed of it look at that wall ah did you paint it with sick isn't there anything i can do yes by heading to display special thank you to display for sponsoring today the only place you need to collect and display everything you're passionate about right on your walls display are the leading website for the highest quality metal wall prints featuring original artwork and branded artwork from some of your favorite games movies and tv shows even better if you can't hang pictures on your hideous walls you don't need to because all the plates come with these handy magnetic strips that stick to your wall extremely easily allowing for easy hanging and easy adjustments in case you want cloud to fall down funny by the way did you like my brand new video intro because there's an exclusive displayed wall print version of that logo with added extra details all thanks to the lovely chi she did the animation for the intro and she did this special thing for display so thank you very much for that that's right you can make any wall in your house infinitely worse by putting my face on it and as a treat for all of you watching this video right now you can activate a special discount at checkout by following my unique link in the description below which will not only give you a total bargain for some amazing decorations but you'll also be supporting this channel directly you also get to plant a tree with every display you buy so you're doing some good for the environment anyway i'm off and then without any smooth transition whatsoever here is the greatest boxer of all time i'm serious this is possibly the best boxer i've ever seen in my life look at it hermione is looking off slightly to the left ron is about to kamikaze the side of hogwarts castle and what is harry doing with his face now this may just be the greatest video game ever created wanna know why because you start it up you see all of the splash logos of the companies involved in making it and then the very first thing you see is neville longbottom are you ready game so in harry potter for the connect you get the honor of playing through a few major events of all of the movies in one big story mode a sound idea for a motion based game starring saint harry potter was living with his awful aunt petunia and uncle vernon when on his 11th birthday his uncle vernon sat on him so we've got our hogwarts letter ready to go and we can choose to have it in movie mode which is addressed to harry or custom mode which is which is which is addressed to cadicorous tv and i'm picking that one based on how great it would be if hogwarts selected students with their gamer tags welcome to hogwarts muff muncher underscore 69. and because we've chosen custom mode this also means we get to customize our wizard by taking a photo of ourselves and using that as our avatar and i ended up with this welcome to hogwarts where if we don't like your face we rip it off and stick this one on it and now we have to get our wand preferably without breaking anything bravo aha got it the perfect wand for the perfect boy with facial hair now we need to be sorted into our schoolhouse and apparently we can shout at the kinect in order to influence its decision slytherin slytherin slytherin hufflepuff well now i'm only left with one question did my parents send me off to hogwarts because i'm magical or because they didn't want to look at my face anymore let's get on with the school year then i can't wait to see what adventures we get up to um potions class perfect what you mean like the one on your face oh wait that's just your nose i mean okay it's pretty straightforward you just move your arms in the way the game tells you to but it seems to be working okay oh what's this five-star rating i'm impressed connect i'm impressed i know i don't look it but trust me i am but now we're on to the true test can we cast wingardium leviosa now you try when guardium leviosa wingardium leviosa wingardium leviosa try again is this microphone broken or am i not giving it enough leviosa when [Music] well if you can't hear me what am i supposed to do i don't know if you guys remember but in harry potter movies they cast spells so how am i supposed to keep playing you can also use movement to select a spell to select wingardium leviosa put your arms in this position you're joking excellent you hand yourself into the fbi to select a spell i don't remember that from the movie okay so that was a disaster but at least the motion control still worked pretty well hey hey guys guess what i'm doing in this picture i'm casting a spell in harry potter when professor quirrell interrupts dinner in the great hall he did a very funny scream ron and harry realize hermione may be in danger and go to the girls toilets to look at them anyway we now have our first boss battle against the troll in the bathroom but there's just one problem i don't know which one is the troll the toilets have big enough gaps for me to come and see you ah no watch out 11 year old boy with beard the troll is coming to get you there's only one thing you can do to get away bend your kneecaps in the wrong direction when professor mcgonagall sees harry catch something in mid-air while on his broomstick she gets moist hey everybody look here i am the youngest quidditch player in a century with a face that's a different color to the rest of his skin to be fair to connect once again though this does work surprisingly well it's not complicated or anything but it's certainly functional steer left and right by leaning reach out your hand to grab the snitch when you're close enough and come on who doesn't love punching the [ __ ] out of spotty children on broomsticks and possibly killing them and okay would you look at that we've skipped a lot of this story because we're already at the end of the first movie off we go to fight voldemort i guess but before that we need to get past a locked door with a million flying keys surrounding it we're looking for a big old-fashioned one probably rusty like the handle ron you're 11. why do you sound 36 this mini game here it is a dumble snore you just float around as still as a statue while using your body to stop keys from flying by you and why does the end of your broom look like you sat on tina turner no time to answer those questions though because here we are face to face with voldemort's face and his other face and even though he is a literal face grafted onto the back of someone else's head i somehow look worse than him by the way do you want to see the greatest introduction to a main villain in video game history [Applause] we meet again see what i must do to survive flawless and so is this boss battle do you know what you have to do hold your hands out in front of his face for long enough and then he just gives up not again not like this no not even joking that's how it ends and if the first movie is gonna end so half-heartedly then i will too who's that at the top of the stairs is it jk walking no it's jk rowling so what do you do when the wizarding world of harry pop off is a little too intense you head on down to good old sea same stream believe it or not there are actually multiple connect games based off of sesame street the most popular one being once upon a monster but after looking into it it just looked like every other baby's first connect game so i decided to skip it may not know you could read your cookie monster this one it's about an onion want to be a cowboy well how did you know that if you can't read you file what no instead i decided to go for sesame street tv on the connect because it actually does something really unique with the technology it teaches you how to stop using your binky since this is indeed for toddlers you aren't expected to actually do anything that taxing so instead you're simply given a collection of sesame street episodes in hd all full length and all tailored around you by using the camera everybody help me i don't know who this man is he promised me sweeties and then trapped me in this mirror i've been here for three weeks help me get me out please let me out of this girl i don't want to be here anymore you become a part of your very own sesame street episode and sure you can't change what happens in the episode or anything but you are taken along for the ride every step of the way so if you're a kid who loves sesame street or an adult baby and a diaper then this is the game for oh you know i think i hear a dog barking are you sure that wasn't your wife this wasn't the game for me so everybody this is what happened when i took a stroll into sesame street here we go we're in elmo's world and it's horrible oh god welcome to elmo's seizure oh [Music] i'm lord for you oh my god this is horrifying what what am i playing what the hell is this i'm a violent number of the alumnist elmo and his three dancing crucifixes what happens if i leave sesame street was brought to you today by the letter of the day v d for visectomy now this is all well and good but if you play this game and still think that it isn't quite real enough for you and you decide to drive to sesame street yourself that's fine but don't park your car there it kind of looks like one of those places where it gets stolen and what happens after your car is stolen it becomes a joyride for a criminal child hence connect joyride i'm the dad and my son is driving the car i'm over the limit sadly though connect joyride is another one of those games that i just can't say that much about not because it's bad or anything but just because it exists and it works so i can't even joke about how terrible the connect is here you pretend to hold a steering wheel twist it to turn left and right lean left and right for drifts pull the wheel back and push forward for a speed boost and tilt your body up down and all around while in midair to try out some tricks but it all works pretty damn well so to be honest like what can i say do you want a racing game with no controller then what's wrong with you i mean then you should get connect joyride for a game about racing built entirely around body motion it's a nice little distraction that does its job well enough and more importantly it's legal oh come on champ why are you so glum well i really want to go to disneyland oh but you can't because you're poor yeah well luckily for you for only 149.99 and an additional 49.99 i can finally afford to go no you can pretend to go you can pretend to go pretend to go precisely the very existence of disneyland adventures for the connect absolutely mystifies me you've got this wonderful and amazing motion tracking camera technology to do whatever you want with and instead of putting disney characters in a grand magical adventure for you to interact with you pretend to go to a theme park as you stand in front of the camera pointing in the direction you want your ugly goblin to run towards look there's even crowds of people that block you from moving see it's just like the real thing i always wanted theme park crowds the video game but it's not all bad because look they included my favorite disney movie the sniffing ticket i fooled that okay i preferred you when you were flat is that supposed to be a man made out of a ticket he looks more like a piece of buttered wood i don't know maybe someone somewhere gets their rocks off to this game but i just don't see it yes finally i've always wanted a video game where i can go to disneyland and run around a crowded theme park in real time without any friends family shops restaurants or actual physical rides why does this game exist help me michael rat let's meet mickey just wave like this hello mickey hello i was hoping to get some of my friends autographs today but i've been so busy with the toontown mayor election but i haven't had the chance wait why do you need to get autographs from your own friends are you trying to sell them on ebay do you think you could ask donald to sign this book for me i'd sure appreciate it all right so i finally save up enough money to make it to the real genuine disneyland and the very first thing that happens when i walk in the gate is the park owner asking me to run errands for him because he can't be asked himself guess you're a little shy what are you trying to say sure why not it's not like i'm a kid that wants to have fun or anything i'll go and get your stupid donald scribble hello okay and now i've got to run all the way back to him fine whatever i was planning on running back out the front door as soon as i got here anyway no worries ronald reagan here mickey i got your stupid autograph and your stupid book can i please run around the park now actually this autographed book's not for me it's for goofy oh great so i haven't actually been doing you a favor you told goofy that you would do something important for him as a friend gave up without even starting and then dumped it on me the second i got here gee thanks bicky minger can i at least get your autograph for me so i don't need to ever see you again wow what an honor you cheap prick you didn't even write anything down when did mickey mouse become a sociopath did he finally succumb to the darkness time to run off back in the direction i just bloody came from to find goofy and give him his goddamned autograph book hello hello can i get one for myself while i'm here sure right so mickey doesn't write down anything at all when i ask him for an autograph and you sign my book with a pen you pulled out from the inside of your ear all i need now is for donald to throw up on me and the holy trinity is complete okay so now i've done that what do i need to do now i still can't go to the park i need to go back to mickey again why i thought i was playing disneyland not papers please when was being a miserable delivery boy anything to do with going to disneyland do you need to sell your life into the slave trade to get inside disneyland nowadays oh there you are mickey what else have you got for me then a metal bucket so you can send me off to get fresh water from 30 miles away i've got a present for you it's your own magical camera if you'd like you can practice taking a picture of me holy [ __ ] the narcissism mickey mouse can't even give me a poxy little digital camera without the one condition of taking a photo of him just because he's that damn brilliant well fine if i must i must oh and after all of this guess what we need to do go on get no you're wrong we have to go back to goofy again take his picture because i guess he's such a gangly [ __ ] he can't figure out how to hold a camera himself and then he gives us a map of the park oh my god finally so after all that pointless busy work i can finally fast travel to some classic disneyland rides and is it worth it absolutely categorically no it is not the first road i picked up was big thunder mountain one of my favorites at disneyland and i was expecting some sort of visual show maybe with occasional things to grab and collect or a cute video where they put your real-life body in the seat of a ride or maybe even a load of themed mini-games where you watch the ride play out in the background but no what you get is one of the most exhausting and painful workouts i've ever done in a game this was more hard work than get fit with mel b so this is what you do for thunder mountain on this game right you stand still reach out to the left and the right occasionally to hit switches and grab coins and you do this as fast as possible for three minutes straight without stopping yeah this is your reward for doing all of mickey mouse's daily chores imagine that one mario party minigame where you mash buttons as fast as possible non-stop but it lasts for three minutes and you're using your entire body instead of just your thumb you're supposed to sit down when you get to the ride not pump up an inflatable swimming pool honey can we go to disneyland no why would we need to do that when we can stay at home and pump not even kidding this single mini game alone absolutely knocked me out for the rest of my recording sessions that day even the connect itself was noticing that i was struggling and told me to take a break it was absolute murder on my back but i didn't want to leave right after that i mean i'd already spent about half an hour of running slowly back and forth to get to this point so i thought i'd give another ride a try and clicked on space mountain another favorite ride of mine and yeah fine okay it's not as arduous as thunder mountain but they expect you to steer a spaceship around an asteroid belt avoiding obstacles and aiming lasers without dropping your hands down once for six minutes straight i know it doesn't sound like much but it's way harder than it looks particularly when the game itself is boring and it's more activity than i would have expected from a game about going to a theme park look at these pictures does it look like i'm having fun i would rather queue than play this game again no i don't mean q to get on a ride i mean stand there and queue for nothing at all standing in a straight line and doing nothing is more fun than disneyland adventures on the connect wow you sound angry yeah i am i am angry well why don't you punch someone you mean in real life yes you don't mean that do you no this here is known as fighters uncaged another game made under the granny 3d engine get ready for the fight of your life starring miguel oh okay no never mind um robert oh okay no worries didn't need to know here's a baker t pistol oh okay oh no i nearly got your name there a dimitra oh my god that was on screen for less than a second jay slow down this game can't even get the opening credits right i'm very excited and you know what to give fighters uncaged a little bit of praise here i was going to contest the reviews of it at the time like 32 2 out of 10 and one because this tutorial sequence here worked surprisingly well for me it was able to read my types of punches decently it got the correct kicking motions it knew when i was dodging i was a little perplexed at the scathing criticism at first but then i got out of the training looked my best friend in the eye whose name is spa and all of a sudden it all made sense this oh mama mama mama this is bad absolutely everything wrong with a shovel where connect cash grab is here and accounted for and that's not good because this wasn't shovelware it was an officially developed launch title for the kinect and given just as much marketing as connect sports and adventures xbox were proud of this they were proud of this gangly brown splat the reason the tutorial worked so well is because they were asking me to do specific moves repeatedly in a slow and spaced out fashion but the second they expect you to perform these moves quickly on a second's notice and want you to change moves up constantly for combos and getting around blocks from the opponent the kinect just doesn't know what you're doing at any given time by the time it reads you performing a punch it's already started reading a second punch that hasn't even happened yet and they expect you to react to your opponent when they move as fast as this so they want you to move fast but if you move too fast the game does a big smelly and they want you to quickly move back from the enemy whenever they strike but even if you move on time it's still too slow for the connect to even realize you moved back quickly fighters uncaged is a disgrace it looks blurrier than a painting someone just sweated on the controls don't work you look like an [ __ ] when you play it and even the voice acting sucks watch out for my feet wow thanks for telling me what you're about to do before you do it dr eggman i'm sure that will help you win i could have dodged that strike yes i'm sure that's what everyone's inside voice sounds like while they're fighting to the death [Music] oh gosh i'm in a sticky situation huh i better shoot my gunny first or me go bye-bye perhaps i can find myself a better fighting game with this hulk hogan's main event hey hey okay good stuff so far the game recognizes where i am it reads all my movements fine so let's head to the main menu and oh my god what is that where on the box does it say that you can play as a swan look at this thing he's disgusting and what is that all over his body is he covered in cheeto dust i have only loaded up the menu and hit start but despite that i can comfortably say this is the ugliest game i've ever seen look at hulk hogan here he looks like an easter egg and check out these cut scenes these silent boring static hideous cut scenes [Applause] and here i come lads oh what a chap oh my jesus look if his face wasn't awful enough for you then you'll be thrilled to know that the developers animated him a wobbling gun oh god oh god this is this is this isn't what i needed today but most importantly is the game any fun to play what do you think hulk hogan's main event is so bottom of the barrel even the milk mould won't grow on it if you ever wanted to play a video game adaptation of happy slaps then this is exactly the game for you you just throw your arms and legs in any direction you want and win occasionally you have to guard your face even though it would look better if it was smashed in but mostly it's a load of invisible fly swatting until you win oh hang on did i say win i meant to say enter into a mini game where you take fat qua man over here and make him pick up and drop your opponent over and over and over again dude please stop it i don't think he has any more backs to break and then just when it couldn't get any worse for captain chin you still haven't won the match because you then go into another mini game where you have to pin your opponent down and pound on him some more at this point you really need to stop man he's already dead i'm never touching this game again you know what i'm pretty sure i've seen that face before somewhere [Music] rise of night nightmares make sense now this box art is not very scary at all you know woman hands those are things that we all have i think they should have used the connectables box oh man i've got to reach my hand out to the screen to start like a zombie is good rise of nightmares okay so i bet you were all thinking to yourselves just now oh golly this connect gadget is a top bit of kit that is certainly worth the money but can i play a horror game on it and the answer is no unless you don't mind swaying back and forth like a drunkard while you spend the first 16 minutes of the game opening the doors of a trade i'm not joking about that by the way for the first few minutes of the game you do nothing but open a million doors is this rise of nightmares or opening of doors we control a man named josh and if you couldn't tell by his waddling at the very start he has a drinking problem the story starts on a train where we do everything that connect was built to do including arguing with your wife walking into a british woman sniffing an old romanian man and crawling under the legs of a russian ballet girl we need to chase after our wife after our little argument but in order to do that we need our ticket which i clearly had in my hands yet the bastard train conductor won't let me through how do you think i got on this train without my ticket see now look i've got my ticket back but that meant i had to be told i was going to die by a fortune teller i don't know lady i think my future consists of opening even more doors i just can't see death coming for me at all oh no bless you oh no my nagging wife just got captured by a human grandfather clock whatever will i do well i won't do that all of a sudden a bold man laughs at me because i guess he loves having no hair the train crashes we've lost our wife we narrowly escaped by climbing across the wreckage on top of a river and josh doesn't sound too upset by any of this didn't think i was their trunk i'm gonna die okay we find the rest of the crash survivors in a cave and do a little bit more drunk wobbling until we fall down a hole now we have to swim oh dude it's so scary we don't need to swim anymore but now we've got icky bugs on our arms get them off are you starting to notice something about this scary game that it isn't scary and i'm getting absolutely sick of these movement controls picking things up with your hand is fine but the game wants you to take a step forward to walk which would be okay except you get reprimanded for doing that what do you mean i'm standing too close you told me to step forward your dick not only that you need to shift your shoulders left and right to turn but since there's a delay to the connect reading you doing that if it even reads it at all you can never align yourself straight for longer than a few seconds and are constantly overcompensating your turns you just wave back and forth endlessly without being able to walk straight it's enough to make me wallace and vomit it literally does not matter that the game recognizes me perfectly and tells me i'm in the optimal play area you are still at the total whim of this thing trying to decide if you are trying to sidestep or get down with your bad self and then there's the combat the lumpiest lump i ever did lump in order for you to protect yourself from enemies attacking you you hold your arms up to your face which is also how you swing a weapon but the problem with that is that whenever your arms are up you automatically lock on and focus on one particular enemy that you can't decide and move towards them without any way to turn around so what ends up happening is you get attacked from behind because you don't have eyes in the back of your head unless you're me which then means you need to hold your arms out to protect yourself whenever any enemies are around meaning you can't control your movements when you need to pick up an important item or weapon after the current one breaks and then you reach the enemy and it's just another round of happy slaps until baddie fall down sure they did think about this a little bit because you can raise your right hand above you to auto move you to the next destination but why on earth would you want to do that first of all it's boring second of all it means there's no point playing it yourself thirdly you can't explore fourthly rise of nightmares isn't scary fifthly rise of nightmares isn't good sixthly rise of nightmare sucks and seventhly at least it isn't as bad as one of the worst reviewed games on the connect steel battalion connect finally has its hardcore game oh man where's my dority so despite this being one of the worst reviewed games of all time on the connect i'm not gonna go that hard on steel battalion even though the game goes hard on the color brown first of all i'm grateful you have to sit down for this one thank you but more importantly the atmosphere here as it tries to make you feel like you're cramped inside a multi-person walking battle tank surrounded by endless death and intense warfare is absolutely spot-on the characters are surprisingly great when compared to other modern war games it's loud it's stressful it's claustrophobic and it's claustrophobic this thing needs to read every precise body movement you make in the middle of a war and it's claustrophobic seal battalion essentially demands from you the impossible wanna know why because everything on the screen here is important this thing that thing that button this knob that knob this knob hello everything here serves a very important purpose and you need to raise specific hands in specific places to enter specific side menus and touch specific buttons in those specific side menus while specific bullets fly through your specific face need to see where you're going there's a hand movement for it need to step back and check your ammo count there's a hand movement for it need to protect your team from bullets entering the cockpit there's a hand movement for it need to go into aim mode there's a specific hand movement to do in a specific area of the screen when you're sitting a specific distance away from the front window you also have to check out your crew by swiping all around the cabin and you need to stand up occasionally and you need to fly this is simply way too much for the poor little connect to handle and this game does not go easy on you it's do or die with no help in between you're in control of a walking tank in a war good luck tweens but that's not all because the game also requires constant use of the controller to move aim and shoot the tank which not only makes me question why can't i just use the controller but also this makes the kinect figuratively poo itself because if you're sitting there holding a controller your hands are too close together and the tracking has an anxiety attack meaning a load of this happens when the game demands precision and quick reactions when everything works as intended which is rare steel battalion is extremely immersive and satisfying to play if a little bit hard i did manage to get through the first story mission on my first try and it felt great to do that but that was only 20 of what i managed to play the rest is a total mess man i got a fist bump from the windfield powers yeah and i got to give a chest rub to natch hello what's that you've got another connect game for me great which one is it sonic free riders oh yeah you were all waiting anxiously for this one weren't you the one connect game i don't think i've heard a single positive thing about yes what a nice intro this is truly i'm grateful because if you leave the screen or sit down for any reason this little johnny up here disappears and the whole game pauses and no matter how much i tried this cut scene is unskippable so for the first minute and a half of the game you are stuck just standing there waiting for a video to end like you're waiting for a bus but instead of it eventually taking you to the high street you're taken to one of the worst racing games ever made i was able to get by every single one of the tutorial missions with absolutely no problem though first time attempt on all fronts actually but you know you're in for a good time when the little man telling you that you're perfectly visible from the kinect turns from chirpy white to sad red after the intro ends it didn't matter what i did what lighting conditions i used what distance i was from the sensor what space i left myself even resetting the game and trying again during the intro it was happy as larry but during the game it was picked off and you know what maybe that is what caused this game to be virtually unplayable maybe it was my end that was the problem except it most certainly wasn't because i recalibrated the damn thing three times and it knew exactly where i was every single time and more importantly the menus worked absolutely flawlessly for me look i've got no issue at all with any of this stuff it knew what direction my feet were standing it knew every time i did a jump and i could even clean steam off of the screen with my hands perfectly but leaning my body slightly backwards to turn a corner no way hoes that's far too much for this little puppy to handle we can't turn any corners here what do you think this is a racing game the best position i could come after three races was fifth sonic free riders doesn't work how many more ways can i say that it murders your back with all the leaning it hurts your legs with how high you have to jump for it to register it hurts your arms with all the flailing you've got to do if you really just desperately want to egg go outside and run into a wall it's free sonic free riders is simply a grim experience from the second it starts when the theme song screams its lungs out at you until you start a race and you slip a disc not even the menus audio tracking works just watch this i'm saying the word next and the connect knows i'm saying the word next because it's lighting up right there and in fact here is me using the microphone feature on disneyland just so you can see that it does indeed work okay here we go park map tomorrowland astro blasters but on sonic free riders like some stubborn toddler it hears me but just refuses to do anything else oh yeah you can say next i heard that at this point i'm fed up i'm exhausted and i'm just about ready to throw in the towel [Music] but there is one game i'm missing isn't there one very special game in particular well i did want to end this video with a right old bang so what better way to do that than with possibly the most infamous kinect game ever made i vividly remember the excitement surrounding this one i mean stop and think about it for a second it's a star wars game that uses your arms to control the action which meant force powers with your arms and more importantly lightsaber swinging but that's not all people were excited about because along with dirty lies the video game there are also four additional main games to play through whoa i suppose we'd better start off with the one they actually showed off though that being jedi destiny but who do i pick from this classic lineup of characters it's a problem to decide do i pick araborata zitara man tren alvar vanilla drews vanilla truth no i know exactly who to pick da singe da god damn sins ah who are you [Music] and that's a bit of a problem because i'm not ready for them i'm only a trainee jedi and how am i going to fight the dark side if i can't even avoid a metal sphere shooting me in the bum bubble feel the force flow between you and the pedestal yeah i'm feeling the force now what is the one thing everyone loves about the star wars movies that's right what are the lightsaber battles they're climactic fast-paced passionate intricate and all of that is captured perfectly in star wars connect as you stand still and move your hand every so often to block attacks after which you push the enemy back and then pretend to haphazardly paint a fence in order to attack back those are all the lightsaber battles are and i know this because the jaws of fate game mode is nothing but lightsaber battles and it's the exact same thing as this i need to see your id star wars connect because i've got to know if you have a license to thrill anyway after about 10 minutes of jedi training we're ready to take down the sith so off we go with yoda and crew to save the wookies time of trials yes time of danger great hope in you we have that's the worst yoda impression i've ever heard it's not even close say the same for you we once did hello i yoda nice to meet you it is now we have to learn how to run jump kick and sidestep in the wookies training grounds and i've got to be honest the delay in the connect trying to read when i stop leaning forward is probably the best thing about the game because it means i'm able to perform the very basic action of moving forward and stopping at the right times whenever i want to without any issues at all your strength comes from the force control it you will feisty one you are wow i get to move rocks with my hand and throw them at other rocks this is what the connect was made for i'm a true jedi after this we're then given eight minutes of pretending to steer a speeder through the trees occasionally pulling back in order to avoid getting shot at and then carrying on that's it nothing else happens here for eight entire minutes aside from the greatest line of dialogue i've heard from any game ever trees hey yoda where do birds live trees what's paper made from trees what in the amazon rainforest was cut down up to seven billion times last year and is a contributing factor to an environmental crisis and after this is when you discover what the rest of jedi destiny is all about standing still and airing out your pants this single movement solves all of your problems sure you can be strategic by using the force to knock out multiple opponents or do jumping smash attacks for wide reaching damage but why bother with any of that when this single movement is able to deflect every bullet that's fired at you bounce them back at your enemies and then make you automatically fly towards every enemy and slice them into pieces the only time i had to think here was when i was being blocked at which point you just need to jump in the air to get behind the enemy and start waxing on and waxing off all over again and the other game modes aren't anything to ride home about either you've got the boring jewel of fates mode which i've already discussed pod racing which is basically just that speeder segment in the trees from earlier but just more uncontrollable and more unplayable rancor rampage which is honestly just dull even though every single family on screen is dying horribly all of them everyone you see here every person all of them perish but that's not the problem it's repetitive who would have thought that genocide would be repetitive sure you have missions to complete like throw a purse in a certain distance or land on top of a person what the [ __ ] you don't need to think really just do this and you'll be set stomp around like a big baby wave your arms in the air like you actually care a little bit and watch in horror as this family-friendly star wars game included a mode where you literally eat a father of four after stepping all over his house just don't bother trying to charge though the game seriously does not work when you try it i am really trying to make it work what do you want me to do game i'm copying the movement i look like i'm trying to start a car from the 1930s why can't i make this thing charged but all of this this isn't why you stayed this long into the video was it because there's one more game mode on star wars connect that we just have to talk about and it is known as galactic dance-off do you think harrison ford knows about this do you think he likes this do you think he did the motion capture for it even though i knew exactly what was coming when i clicked on this game i still didn't know how to react to it when it came on screen that is how much of a culture shock this [ __ ] is but you know what it's the best working part of the entire game it seems to know how well your body is copying most of the moves and it's hilarious oh it's fun shut up they took the song hollerback girl and changed it to hologram girl with subulba on the front get a sense of humor in fact the only thing that stopped me from playing any more of this is one simple fact i can't dance to save my life those famous bigfoot tapes are not real and i'll tell you why because they were filming me but hey at least my girlfriend kerris can dance so she took over the second i gave up and she will do anything for a till of the hand so let's answer my question from the very start of this video is the kinect a giant laughing stock because of the kinect itself or because of the games it was stuck with well if galactic dance-off of all things works perfectly on the star wars disc yet nothing else does i think the answer's pretty obvious throughout this extensive voyage of mine i'm shocked to say that i actually found myself surprised by the camera on more than one occasion whether it be with connect sports and connect adventures pixar rush the gun stringer or galactic dancer i think i can definitively state right here and now that this is indeed not the camera's fault entirely that the connect has become a massive joke it is not perfect don't misquote me there but based on what i played the technology is definitely there and nearly 11 years later it still manages to function extremely well when it wants to and a few times dare i say i thought connect was the ideal way to play some of these games but overall that means nothing when that was only 15 of my entire time playing with the thing the few games that work well may be lovely but the majority of the connects library was built on fake lying demonstrations and cash-grab franchises more interested in making a quick buck than actually spending the time to figure out how the intricacies of the sensor worked and you can't go from something like connect adventures to sonic free riders and tell me that isn't the case if it couldn't be better than a controller or at the very least work as well as a controller then why'd you make it more importantly though who the hell wants to spend their video game time using their entire body to work it this is a relaxing past time not pe you want a motion connect i'll give you that's good because i like a bit of brown please subscribe and don't forget to hit that bell follow me on instagram and twitter and also follow me on twitch don't worry it's the same username i just haven't had time to print out the logo special thank you to my executive producers from my patreon page in the description below anderson dal basil blake brown brienne the goblinoid card of the mage dave marshall david lopez dredge and bungo eric branky exopas fat houdini giant firing coal heart fire inflim iron ninja carmen cj kenneth d lizzy lizzy in a tizzy mentally aroused backer mitchell reed rum and wall 1485 red eyed critic red spade 83 skull man slow punk tardis type 40 the game shed real kit nathaniel zedman enterprises daniel and alex dingle m.r rushton vocalegra nb so habermed astrovec and i don't know how to pronounce this bxes saver of light you let me know how you say it stan cauliflower is just albino broccoli

Channel: Caddicarus

Views: 2,776,384

Keywords: kinect, kinect games, best kinect games, worst kinect games, worst, worst games, terrible, terribe games, xbox, xbox one, xbox 360, xbox kinect, kinect xbox, kinect adventures, kinect sports, kinect star wars, star wars, harry potter, caddicarus, microsoft, disney, pixar, kinect rush, toy story mania, fighters uncaged, rabbids, steel batallion, sonic, sonic the hedgehog, sonic free riders, kinect joyride, gaming, game review, game reviews, bad games

Id: 6rIE5FpqjT8

Length: 64min 54sec (3894 seconds)

Published: Sun Apr 11 2021

Reddit Comments

[u/NotAquaman]

Enjoyed the video but I wish Caddy would cut his hair lol.

[u/sten_whik]

The Kinect sensor needs open space of about 6ft by 6ft to work properly. It's amazing Cad got it to track him at all with two sofas in the way.

The Kinect microphone needs to be calibrated in the Xbox settings menu before you use it.