The Unholy World of Jesus Games - Caddicarus

i'm not doing a christmas video this year bye [Applause] hello i'm jc jesus christ it's christmas time the best time of year named after my dad god christmas you know what that means what can be said about jesus we all know the story two thousand years ago a man had a beard some people loved it so they banded together to form organization 13. and some people didn't so they killed him and he t posed his name backwards is sausage and as you can probably imagine with a fan base as loyal as jesus's it was inevitable that at some point there'd be tons of video games based off of his stories from the holy bible and there are a lot of them trust me there are a lot of them there there are too many of them i'm not even kidding i have too many of them there are so many bible games and why do i have so many of them that's cause jesus christ is man no they've even talked about one of them nearly eight years ago on this very channel called the zoo race even though you probably can't tell it's a racing game about noah's ark except in this version of the story noah tries to bomb all of the animals with explosive barrels and the losers get left behind in the great flood move out of the way sheep i'm getting on that arc every man for himself and you reuben you're a rhinoceros the video i did about that single game was 25 minutes long with an eight minute filmed intro you know the dark ages and that's extra embarrassing because you don't need that much time to talk about it you can sum it up entirely with what's this what's this i'm sick of all your [ __ ] but the thing is games like that and [Music] the bible game on ps2 are a bit too nebulous for me today they're about the whole bible and today i wanted to specifically look at games that were only about jesus starring jesus controlling jesus loving jesus and this also means i'm not going to be looking at dance praise praise champion or guitar praise because they're all basically the same thing and they all play like jesus so let's not waste any time and jump right into it oh no it's that guy the sensitive one that gets really upset about everything what's his name max don't worry he doesn't mind he's dead he's been gone for two thousand years where have you been oh can you get your phone and give him a call then can you add him on whatsapp well i don't want him there can you get him out i want jesus heart surgery the first game we have today is called run jesus run the feds are after you well let's see what this is all about then no so yeah that was fun as it turns out run jesus run is also known as the 10 second gospel and that's because the game does indeed last for 10 seconds just like me i know i don't mean it lasts that long if you game over even if you beat the game it only lasts 10 seconds it's very true to his real life you run left and right while hitting spacebar on each screen too as the game says do jesus things you save the sick you walk on water you jump over a hole my favorite jesus thing and if you do enough of those things at the correct time you beat the game with all of your apostles [Music] yeah so what have we learned today boys and girls the lesson here is don't bother you'll end up dead anyway at least the length of the game is just enough time to make you think if it should be read as run jesus run or run jesus run but we can't just leave him there with his friends mufasa and plus sign especially with his schlong hanging out they didn't even take the ring off do you know what we have to do we have to save jesus save jesus save jesus it's a game on steam steams us and the first thing the launch page told me was this game doesn't look like other things you've played in the past as such we don't have much information on whether or not you might be interested in it i can't wait how do you like your jesus good or simple i quite like my jesus to be on the fastest setting okay let's go it's time to save jesus the story here is that jesus has spent so much time saving you that now he's got stuck and needs you to return the favor well you know what they say when life gives you lemons then you then you then level one click to get rid of the sand blocks okay simple enough did we did we just murder a roman centurion by dropping a bundled collection of human skulls on his head that was metal as [ __ ] and yep that's basically what you do here you click on blocks to make a boulder roll on top of romans and then go whether you use a sack of skeletons a spiked cannonball or a rolling obese cow you just need to click on blocks and hope the physics kill all of the romans being extra careful to stop the rock that is on fire heading straight for jesus and no you can't hit jesse otherwise he heads off back to his dad's house for the weekend my favorite thing in the game though are the explosives oh my god they're so violent they just launch everything right into the face of everyone even jesus i haven't had this much fun since the last time i sang a him and sadly though i'm getting bored so i got to this old whiffley johnny and stopped kill jesus uh okay you know something about those romans they'll gladly die for their caesar yeah i think i'm done sorry everybody i know i came back from heaven to check on all of you but you all seem to be doing perfectly fine with that because i'm gonna go zlatan bye did you know that there is a fighting game on steam where you get to play as jesus christ i'm sorry i think i just pooed myself hello this is fight of gods and even though the game isn't explicitly about jesus who cares you get to play as him beating the [ __ ] out of moses what more do you need fresh off the cross and ready to pound down so what are the pros and cons of this game well the pros are it's a fighter you can play as jesus you get to beat up moses and the cons are there are no cards just look at how he arrives into the arena jesus doesn't need to try and get out of his prison he takes the prison with him and kills you with it and don't worry if fighting moses is a little bit too racy for you then you can always beat up father christmas aha take that you bearded nonce this is for all the years you didn't get me the hot wheels garage set in fact you wouldn't even exist without me where do you think the name christmas comes from i am your daddy and you are my [ __ ] the only problem with fight of gods for me though is that i blow chunks it's way too hard for me and i can't tell if it's because the game isn't very good or i just can't play it right every special move i tried happened by complete accident and even when i changed the difficulty down to very easy i still got destroyed this game nails you harder than me seriously though this is far too hard for me i just can't keep up with it what do you think i am a priest if you don't stop kicking my ass then i'm gonna stigmata all over the floor i'm so sorry for failing you jesus can you please forgive me right then on to the next game [Music] oh damn i forgot to bring it with me well i'm not getting it i'll send a disciple oh uh-huh go to my flat yes jesus i left a game in my bedroom okay i'll be back in a second do you want anything from the shops yeah get me a monster energy [Music] [Applause] [Music] jesus is an anime jesus what am i getting into with this game then [Music] okay bye and then uh jesus what is going on here oh look it's my favorite biblical figure jesus staff wait so why is this game called jesus who or what is jesus i'm completely lost which is because this is a game for the msx2 a japanese home computer system from the 80s that was famous for kickstarting metal gear but is now more famous for having nothing in english like come on i can't even make a joke about what's going on i get given a load of options i click them to make something happen then these squiggles turn into new squiggles and then this lady's face goes from relatively normal to banana yellow with the hand of a crab what am i doing i don't understand this moon language who even is jesus is this jesus is the ship called jesus why is this game called jesus oh lord jesus is that you there's a god somewhere you know what i'm saying right so apparently there is in fact an english fan translation of the famicom version of this game that you can play on an nes emulator and at the very least everything makes a little more sense until this thing pops up and kills everyone at which point i don't know why jesus's name is all over this game because he very clearly abandoned us all right fine this game was a stupid choice but you can't blame me for looking at it it was literally called jesus i had to give it a look didn't i oh came back like jesus so why don't we check out something that's more obviously about jesus with his name in the title like i don't know five loaves and two fishes you all know the story one day a man went to the corner shop to get groceries for 5 000 people but they only had five loaves of bread and two fish oh no luckily though jesus was there and he turned that small shopping bag into a feast only one time though sorry ethiopia you know what with stories like this people eating nothing but bread and fish kids nowadays don't realize how lucky they have it they've got all the food in the world and they still complain it isn't good enough hey i want my pudding no you haven't eaten your fingers yet but mom here's another story for you in order to play this game i actually had to sign up to a bible study forum and purchase a yearly subscription to access the download page you're welcome zealots my username is gaudi has a great body now we need to pick a profile picture and there are some fantastic ones here are some of my favorites yippee sunday school the famous religious figure r2d2 my superpower is jesus on a mug i love sunday school hell the one i ended up picking though is definitely the best friend of the world it's so threatening who's the worm why is he my friend where's god what who is the worm i'm starting to think i donated money to a cult so now i have pleased the almighty worm please don't kill me worm i have to fill out the rest of my details first name span last name ish city spain state churros yeah i think we're done and here we go five loaves and two fishes which should probably just be fish and the word five is written while the number two should be written as a word like the number five but i'm not gonna be that guy otherwise i'll be accused of two blasphemy oh lord don't you know what my wish is just to be with you and serve you all my life i was weak but you gave me strength to see [Music] oh okay it started again is that what we're getting is that the whole song but where's my favorite bit that's cause jesus christ network engineer [Music] oh my god god has he heard me calling to him is my faith being tested oh joyous day sing hosanna to the king of kings hello i'm spod actually i'm spons no rage shadow never heard of it where have you been can i join you it's the sponsor of today's video and it's a giant role-playing game for your pc or mobile phone with over 600 champions to summon and fight with in the land of teletu television [Music] downloading rage shadow legends with my qr code or link in the description i'm not joking when i say that i've been playing raid ever since the first time i got sponsored by them and i've never thought about deleting it once it's incredibly addictive and the high production values are my favorite thing about it along with my personal favorite champion i give all my best gear to crimson helm but she isn't as good as and of course i must mention that i love the huge bosses speaking of there's no better time to download raid because of the newly added hydra boss with six heads blight torment mischief wrath decay and suffering which work together to poison you steal your buffs weaken your attacks remove your healing it's a nightmare i'm supposed to make this game sound fun oh look it's simple he's in it you want him well then log in for seven days total before january 28th and this legendary champion is yours for free if you're old or new to the game it's really that simple and don't forget it's a very special time of year isn't it make christmas spectacular and tell them they have b.o golly gee thanks grandma and my present to you is my download link and my qr code for grampy which will get you the epic hero tai rail 200 000 silver an xp boost an energy refill and one ancient shard so you can summon an awesome champion the second you begin the game all of which will be hiding in your inbox within the game right here plus you don't even need to worry about selling your auntie's present of socks to buy something better because raid is totally free thanks again for the sponsor and [Music] bye let's start this thing up oh hello young man nice boat you have here oh yeah you've also got very nice hips yep oh okay wait what's going on why can't i look up why am i stuck staring at his lump his eyes are up there well it looks like you're steering us in the right direction what are you talking about i just got here wait where did i come from where am i who is moving this boat in fact scratch that why isn't this boat moving we're going slower than mary magdalene's libido and bloody pissing hell man these controls are so broken all it takes is the slightest feathery tap of the keyboard and you go ape [ __ ] flying off in every direction imaginable i know we've only just started playing this deeply spiritual journey but i think i'm already feeling the presence of jesus oh wait no it's vomit the boatman tells us we need to head to the town nearby and convince my uncle to come with us to see me so off we go and no we can't go any faster because going to see the son of god is not that exciting even if he did get dressed up for the occasion hey cool hat thanks it hurts we then find my uncle busy working in a well with his lovely collection of jpegs and he's not happy about us going off to see the g's so now it's time to argue with him i know it's a long boat ride here to bethsaida so why do you want to go now back to the shore and listen to this jesus teacher all day and if you think for a second that these dialogue choices affect anything you're a complete wrong man because in every conversation only one of these choices is the correct one to get the game moving on and if you pick the wrong response guess what happens the messiah here well now i've heard everything i know it's a long boat oh for the love of my dad you know what though he does bring up a very good point do you expect me to drop everything to go listen to a preacher from nazareth we all need bread we do need to you know survive so work is important and i will stay to help you out i mean we'll get it done much faster if we work together and then we can find jesus quicker oh well that doesn't sound right so why are you telling me not to go there no now what the game wants me to do is tell him that the real life food and water we need to keep us alive isn't as important as jesus's morning breath and you know what that convinces him don't worry kids i'll get you some food in the beginning at this point uncle fester tells us to find some bread and fish in a nearby house for the trip only problem is nothing here can be clicked on or jumped on or climbed on or preyed on we're stuck in perpetual misery that not even god could save us from and i was stuck here for 15 minutes before deciding to give up and make my way over to some more buildings over there and i walked the whole way and it took me two entire minutes of nothing and after all of that i got there and i can't even get in sorry jesus i won't be there to hear your lecture i guess i'll just have to go to hell thank you for playing our game and learning this important bible story we hope this story helps you believe jesus is the messiah sent by god to save the world well actually all i learned is that if you want to stop a man from finding jesus put a two-foot wall in the way may you feel fed by his presence and ready to serve him all your life yep this is a cult i really need to do a messy brow quick everyone we have to go to the toilet this here is a sinclair zx spectrum possibly the uk's biggest home computer from the 80s you know back in the days when games for computers came on [Music] cassette tapes that one's horus goes skiing do half of you even know what a cassette tape is bands used to record albums on these things [Music] let's listen to it and that was um why now the spectrum may have been revolutionary for the time but going back to it today isn't that fun at all take the game manic miner for instance you boot it up and then after three minutes and 13 seconds of loading it takes you to this [Applause] [Music] and believe it or not there is a jesus game on the spectrum galilee which is a place jesus went to one time and in that story um i think he wanted to go and see a concert and he didn't have a ticket so he tried to sneak in without anyone noticing like okay well the game isn't about jesus [Music] and jesus isn't in it but it does count because this is a location and jesus can be anything even a place so we boot up the game and this happens [Music] oh you thought it loaded no because it takes a total of four minutes and 50 seconds to load after which we finally get to a title screen time to play galilee galilee galilee galilee galilei figaro magnifico oh it took five minutes to load text galilee is a text adventure yeah no graphics no music just text the real adventure is in your head and that's the best thing about playing a video game you wake up with a throbbing there is something very important to do but you cannot remember what it is what do you want to do now well let's press enter and see you are in the graveyard in the distance a field is ready for harvest obvious directions are north or west okay then uh go north you are in the graveyard you hear groaning and screaming what do you do now join in all right fine oh hang on a maniac jumps on you and hits you holy [ __ ] but we only just started what is this john wick what do i do now uh attack maniac right then i don't know what to do he's been jumping on us like a trampoline for at least a minute and i can't get him off so what if i hit him back you hurt your hand the maniac says i'll kill you again hang on what when did he kill me the first time what do i do now i don't know ask him why i do not see why he i'll kill you again all right fine kill him you do not have a weapon the maniac leaves boy this game's going a million miles an hour well hey i'm not done with him yet chase maniac a maniac jumps on you and hits you god damn it what kind of a place am i living in where i can't walk three feet without a maniac leaping on top of me you know what i want to do move house now he's saying he'll kill us again what the hell is going on i don't know steel weapon okay i need to be smarter about this we have to take another route what would jesus do he's not real talk to maniac the maniac says i'll kill you again well i'm glad we got that cleared up i'm really running out of ideas now find weapon you see the maniac yep i saw him a while ago okay well maybe he's just a bit glum take maniac on a date you can't get that what is the maniac out of my league you know what screw it i'm not giving him the satisfaction kill myself you do not have a weapon you are in the graveyard you hear the rattling of chains well that sounds sick i'm gonna record them for my mixtape i can't follow all that well in that case i really haven't got any more ideas give up you give a denarius what you know what i don't want to go to galilee anymore galilee sucks i think i'm going to have my holiday somewhere else like suckly or maybe even really push the boat out and go to licky end but i haven't decided yet i need to figure out which is closer once i reach piddlebyper okay let's get back on track jesus games jesus games well they seem to be all over steam don't they so let's go back on steam and see what we can find next like jesus christ rpg okay [Music] ah this tastes like fanny we start off in a nice little house where we keep water fish and eggs in treasure chests and then waddle our way over to mother mary to let her know we're leaving to get our first pokemon both i and your father i mean joseph will miss you sniff sniff we walk around the town talk to people and find out that we can't help the organ player get wrecked because i can't perform miracles yet without traveling to the desert to get baptized because even if you are the son of god you're still useless until you get wet we go to the oasis to get baptized and come out looking like a stupid baby hello i'm jesus christ i just [ __ ] my pants as it turns out i learned exorcism and all it took was me getting a little bit damp dude i want that caddy suddenly satan of all people appears and he is looking fire if this guy is supposed to be the root of all evil why do i want to get a beer with him he tries tempting us to jump off of a cliff to prove that we are as great as we say we are and we reply you are not to put the lord your god to the test [ __ ] and because of that cop out satan sends bl zibbab with all of his minions in brown trousers time for a battle then yeah demonic fly uses smelly finger you know what i don't want to fight anymore which is good because in the game i can always choose to refrain i mean after all that is what dad would want well i died and we get the greatest message i've ever read jesus christ was defeated sorry christians right then i guess we can't fix every problem with peace so it's time for jesus to cut kill the demon go to hell kill the demon go to hell kill the lord of the flies go to hell and then i stole his wallet and the bible lesson we learnt today kids is that violence solves everything jesus christ rpg is an rpg while you walk around an overworld explore buildings talk to people for advice and items buy weapons and armor find party members in the form of disciples level up with experience points to learn new miracles and attack everyone that disagrees with you in turn-based battles how table does the turn sadly though you can't walk on water you're not my jesus you can't progress throughout the game without obtaining certain miracles which you can use in combat as well as the overworld but in order to get those miracles you have to do a lot of fights to get a lot of xp i don't remember that bit in the bible where jesus had to grind the thing is though this game may be on steam but it's totally free to download and it's a totally functional rpg i've got no complaints about it really finally after all the bollocks i've seen so far playing jesus christ rpg is just like when you're starving and you finally get your food at a restaurant yes my favorite and to make things even better this game is actually a trilogy yeah three rpgs in one rise jesus christ rpg is more of the exact same so i won't say anything about it but what about baby jesus christ rpg what could this one be like we get some intro text talking about the angel gabriel coming down to see mary for a bit of the old in out in out and she's not very happy about it greetings favored one the lord is with you i also didn't get much sleep last night so gabriel tells mary that she'll be pregnant with the son of god despite her being a virgin and her face sums it all up and then as if by magic with the tiniest tap of the space bar she's knocked up in a single frame sorry can we see that again disappointingly not much else happens after that and it becomes more of the exact same again except now you control a fat blooming mary as she violently shakes her pregnant stomach around the main problem with this though is that i went out of the town to try and explore when all of a sudden i was jumped by a desert thief and mary was surprised so surprised she died in one hit game over and here's baby jesus about to be stabbed sitting in a big pearl fine then i'll stock up on some weapons before i leave hello there poor starving child i don't have any food but did you know the only food you need is the word of jesus christ i'll buy something off of you um battle saw perfect i always wanted to equip the virgin mary with a battle saw oh look it's joseph come on then cut time to go to bethlehem and give birth to our bastard child oh no a tourist appeared and called us hill billy's from nazareth i guess now we have no choice but to kill him with our battle saw and luckily joseph joined our party pre-equipped with a giant battle hammer after caving the tourist's face in we look around all of the inns to stay for the night and sadly there's nowhere to go i can see where this is going time for us to have a perfectly normal and natural birth in a cow pack we find the right stable we need walk in the door and then immediately there's jesus boy that was quick these three kings of orient are bearing gifts with garden gnomes okay then time to move on to the next game i found fluffy and god's amazing christmas adventure i don't know if jesus has anything to do with this game but he did have a lot of hair so fluffy must be his nickname [Music] oh dear fluffy is not jesus fluffy is a sheep i'm so sorry jesus can you please forgive me all right so this game isn't about jesus at all which means it doesn't count but the second that god appeared in the game and started talking hello fluffy the sheep i couldn't bring myself to stop recording it well my name is the lord almighty you can just call me god you can call me matthew mcconaughey so this is one of those i'm just going to tell you the story of jesus games with a few interactive elements along the way but when i say a few i really mean a few because most of this just goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on hey you know what i really wanted to do today become a prophet and like all good prophets i need to rewrite my own version of asaya 9. my favorite movie in the series but we can only edit what's already there a few words at a time name a thing that is super good pre-marital sex name a thing that is really bright my [ __ ] name a form of restraint or force that is really strong the policeman two words that mean the same thing as smashed wasted and drunk one word that describes what the whole world could use youtube.com forward slash category name a profession that helps people my dealer a new more exciting title for god uh mr name a royal title or government title given to a leader yes queen a good adjective oh sorry and good adjectives such as great man or loving mother bulging perfect time to export the prophet fluffy said in the ninth chapter of her book there will be a time in the future when galilee of the gentiles will be filled with pre-marital sex the people who walk in darkness will see a great [ __ ] that will shine on all who live in the land where death casts its shadow for god will break the policeman that binds his people in that day of peace battlegear will be wasted and drunk for a child is born to us a youtube dot com forward slash category is given to us these will be his royal titles wonderful dealer mighty mister yes queen of peace he will rule forever with fairness and justice from the throne of his ancestor david the bulging commitment of the lord almighty will guarantee this [Music] wait a second you can print this well then that settles it the words of fluffy will be set in stone forever now to be honest i was gonna stop the game here but then i discovered that you can have the game read this back to you and that made it so much better there will be a time in the future when galilee of the gentiles will be filled with premarital sex to the people who walk in darkness will see a great [ __ ] that will shine on all who live in the land for a child is born to us a youtube.com forward slash kadika is given to us everlasting father ya's queen of peace the bulging commitment of the lord almighty will guarantee this and then i was going to stop the game there but then i found something else super jesus time to fill in more text gaps and tell the world what really happened on christmas day super baby jesus the super messiah was born in the john legend's house real baby jesus greatest powers were his giant feet and tiny fingers super baby jesus wins friends and conquers enemies by his exploding balls a real baby jesus will grow up to conquer people's hearts with his blaspheming and then i was going to stop the game there i really was but then on the main menu i noticed this little thing in the bottom corner dj fluffy jams i just had to stop looking at me like that and what is this i hark thou whale well it's a dragon drop songs of praise beat mixer set to some christmas hymns and you can change a few words around and add in your own background noises here's what i came up with merry christmas [Music] [Music] you know what for a game that's about jesus and where christmas comes from i didn't see jesus a single time in this game where the hell was he sorry mate i think we forgot about you time to move on to the next game then fist of jesus a game that used to be on steam and mobile phones back in 2015 before suddenly being removed forever meaning you can't actually buy it anymore unless you already owned it before it was taken down or you pirate it like i did i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i didn't mean to illegally download it please let me come home i'm really sorry it's so cold outside please let me in dad what's really sad though is that even after all the effort i went through to download the game and emulate it i really don't have much to say about it maybe it's because i pirated the android version it's the only one that i could find and get working but this is one of the most basic beat-em-ups i've ever played buy something and get rid of the ads buy it it's not particularly good or bad or even actually that funny the story we have here is that there isn't one but that doesn't matter i'm smart i know mathematics okay well lazarus has come back from the dead and is turning everyone into zombies and jesus wants us to send him back to hell otherwise he'll get told off but other than that you uh throw fish at the paw the game is a beat em up you beat him and you up him charging around like a galloping sausage right into the enemy's back door it's incredibly straightforward [ __ ] each level is a little arena you can pick up weapons you have a few unlockable special moves and you can either survive as long as you can or kill a certain number of zombies chickens or dirty stinking lepers i remember that bit in the bible when jesus said to the sick do the world a favor and let me finish you off you don't even control jesus for most of it which is even more disappointing instead you play as judas you know the guy from the beatles song written by paul mccartney and jonathan lanoon hey jude mean if you like the idea of killing sheep with the stars of bethlehem or pulling the hearts out of non-believers because that will make them join your religion then by all means illegally download the game and see for yourself but it's just a bit too wishy-washy for me there's not much going on here and this lazarus boss fight impossible i swear to jesus christ otherwise known as god junior that it isn't possible whenever you try to get behind him to attack during this phase of the fight where he's invincible from the front he always gets multiple hits in or speeds off towards you before you can even get away safely and you will die die die die die die oh stop being such a kick oh wait i'm jesus i can't swear stop being such a twant and speaking of twins here is pathway to jesus on the iphone five incredible adventurers entrusted with an airship that can take them anywhere in the world powered by a special bible that also opens pathways to the past yeah i'm going to need some help with this one okay we all learned a very valuable lesson today and we're all better people for it so yes you heard that right this is a video game where you pilot a time-traveling spaceship powered by a bible that is searching for jesus f christ and on your mobile phone no less i always wanted to finish a phone call to my grandad's funeral director and then hop on my bible spaceship game suddenly the ship crashes because oh i don't know maybe because the controls have been left with a goddamn chimp and we wake up in this very strange place we swipe around the screen to move head for the exit and [Music] it's too hard this is an extremely basic pushing puzzle game and i mean extremely basic this has solely been designed for the kiddie winks so they can easily get their daily dose of the man in the bathroom to be fair though it isn't awful it looks fine enough and it has decent production values but what are we doing all of this for i know where and when we are this is bethlehem on the night jesus was born wait how did we time travel to the birth of jesus it didn't happen though our airship crashed and our team separated it appears that god has used this moment to show us something incredible yeah you hear that kid if your spaceship crashes and you don't know if anybody is left alive screw them it doesn't matter because god made you crash so that you could see his snotty little son and that's more important than finding your dying friends the spirit of god descended on him like a dove and a voice from heaven spoke on him saying this is my son whom i love and that's why i'm going to let him die on a big wooden stick okay i take it back this game isn't that good at all it's actually a little bit i heard say you're not supposed to be here completely broken just check out this ai here i heard something i heard something who's there who's there do you just not like gingers is that what this is oh and you'd think i wouldn't complain about the controls here when all you do is swipe the screen but man it is non-stop you swipe for every single individual space you need to move after a while it kills your finger it's just constant rubbing i feel like jesus is fluffer jesus was only 12 when he was teaching in the temple wow kids really can do amazing things yeah kids i know you don't want to tidy your room or wash a plate but feel free to teach christianity don't even for good i have the hope that he will do just that in this situation sweet he'll finish the game for me then i think he might actually have to because i can't go any further i distract this guy with the only rock available which means i have no more rocks to distract this guy and i physically can't continue hey what do i do where do i go i can't move help me squeezy jeezy wait a second why am i playing this i'm the son of g i can do whatever i want i'm hungry i want free food yes hi everybody welcome to the boys how can i help hi yeah i came back to save you from sin i want a burger actually no scratch that i want to hi come on in it's you yeah it's me how someone gets it finally thank you very much dying for a burger congratulations it's a boy right sit me down and give me all your meat okay thank you this is this way they think i'm jesus but i'm actually not okay then guys here you go here's your table actually can i go to the kitchen instead uh i need to bless it whoa that smells great you might if i had my own thing simply having wonderful christmas time come on keep going chop chop chop it's looking drier than my sandals hey look vegans [Music] miracles of jesus for windows 95 if you want eternal salvation in heaven all you need is 32 megabytes of ram and thus jesus said unto his disciples it is better to set the system color depth to 256. yes oh no we boot the game up and i'm in love with the fact that jesus's corpse is the mouse pointer i love it and let's begin our path to heaven with some puzzles [Music] [ __ ] man this music is banging where can i get the album i didn't know jesus grew up in the project first off there's this painting game and i made my own masterpiece that i call leprosy babe then there's spot the difference and if you get it wrong too many times you burn in hell i don't know hey hey hey hey hey hey hey finally there's these jigsaws to solve where every finished piece makes a lovely noise that sounds like satan's i've heard pap smears more pleasant than this what i find interesting though is that these are the only games on this disc and they are all memory games remember what the right colors are for painting remember what was different about the original picture also that the kids playing can train their stupid idiot p brains to remember as much holy scripture as possible hey i know that sounds cynical but none of the games i've played so far had an entire section dedicated to just reading prayers at you [Music] ah a prayer before going to sleep in case we don't wake up how sweet i want to pray for those who have no shelter that you protect them and keep them from harm well i come to your presence and pray for the people who are suffering from illness you are the healer lord heal their wounds cure their illness oh that's good i guess you won't need hospitals then guide me lord throughout this night and in the days to come yours truly princess toadstool [ __ ] okay time to head off to my favorite biblical game information and let's check out some of the characters of the bible oh wow i didn't know pavarotti was in it and by the way joseph you could really do with a haircut and david you could do with a new face hang on where's mary why isn't she a main character in jesus's life well i guess she didn't do too much she only birthed him right fine then let's ah let's go and see what weapons is joy to the world i didn't come time to check out the word of god now hmm what does he say about wisdom what is wisdom i don't know okay then how about obedience he who does not love god and does not keep his words is in for eternal damnation so you're saying i need to be gay and finally we have the story the main event of this ancient holy artifact from windows 95 and don't let the horrifying silent hill rusted text put you off this is simply a very basic retelling of the life of jesus without any interactivity and that's it play miracles of jesus right now the game critics all over the world are saying you can buy it if you want yeah i thought this was going to be one of those like disney storybook games but with added smiting and no it's just a boring narration telling you things that jesus did and apparently the narrator can't even read but he saw many of the pharisees and sadducees come to the baptism oh boy oh no jesus stop it no to put that back on what are you doing angel's king okay to be fair there is this one awesome bit where you do safe cracking with jesus but aside from that i've got nothing to add it doesn't even finish the story at the crucifixion you know the best [ __ ] just stops right here as he gets taken away after being caught kissing a man in a forest because it was illegal back then luckily the voice acting is easily my favorite thing this is my beloved son with whom i am well pleased yeah did you hear that god's well pleased with his son yeah he's well good in it you're right proper lad oh god i'm my well pleased with my son well please my favorite band is wet work work get up why are you sleeping yeah come on we gotta get some ice cream and find some boys turn away from your sins and baptize yourself but what should we do then go away if you are the son of god command these stones to turn into bread it is written in the scriptures that man shall not live on bread alone but by every word that comes from the mouth of god so what you're saying is you can't do it if you are the son of god [Music] at the end of it all though miracles of jesus does show off my personal favorite miracle he ever pulled off the time when he found the fire exit by the way if any of you out there are genuinely worried that i'll be damned to hell for all eternity for making this video don't worry i was christened so i get a free pass next up we have this special little gem known as the you testament a game about jesus made by a guy called m dicky who is infamous around the internet for making the worst things the game starts off with a character creator and am not changing anything about him welcome to planet earth sid arthur and here is what the cutscenes look like i wish dad was here to see this [ __ ] the game follows your journey to meet jesus christ and become besties with him but first we need to get baptized which ends up not happening because we're told we're a fool and then oh oh look at that oh look the quality just got worse good and then this woman appears claiming to be god but we know that isn't possible because women can't do this and by the way those cut scenes yeah i'm not doing anything to them they just run like that at three frames a second if my 30 90 can't run this beast we are beyond saving i guess we're dealing with a bit of a tricky dicky so this fake god over here she's so fake that as soon as she stops speaking the entire village of bug-eyed freaks all rushed at her to beat her to the ground but i don't join in i watch instead can i borrow some of your toilet roll we run off somewhere else and lo and behold there he is mr christ himself yes i know he looks like an alcoholic bricklayer but trust me it's definitely him and at this point all we have to do is follow him and watch stuff happen yeah that's it map tells us where to go we find him map tells us he's moved somewhere else we find him matt tells us he's moved somewhere else we find him this is as much fun as a dick veruca and every time we find him he gives us a new wisdom a man cannot live by bread alone only by the energy that makes it bread in the first place what wheat if anything i just wish that more interesting stuff happened here because nothing really does aside from the time that i got fed up and decided to beat jesus at which point he said touch me again and i'll kill you jesus loves me this i know what's that father of christianity professor peace mr goodwill toward men you'll kill me will you well we'll see about that to be fair i suppose i was meant to be touched by jesus and not the other way around but come on man do you really think you could just kill whoever you want something that i do actually like a little bit are the loading screens in between each area they give you spiritual quotes about the life of jesus from famous religious figures including mahatma gandhi the prophet muhammad pharrell williams jay-z bruce lee oprah winfrey jimi hendrix obi-wan kenobi tupac kanye west eminem osama bin laden and osama bin laden well i suppose we did manage to find him and nobody's found jesus yet so oh no his name popped up and he made everything go pink silly bin laden by the way on the character creation screen you can make some absolute freaks of nature let me tell you like peter the 33 year old one foot tall fat and angry old man i don't have a small wang it's proportionally very big and then there's elijah the 11 foot tall topless bearded woman with a receding hairline now i know there's a few of you out there that like getting stepped on but is this too much or do you consider it a challenge do you need to conquer mount everest but hey at least i know that if i want to get to heaven all i got to do is fly a plane into a building and i'm not suggesting anything here but osama did run away and hide in a cave and jesus was resurrected and walked out of a cave i'm not saying he's jesus but you gain time here is secrets of jesus and there is jesus telling us a secret but keep it to yourself because the policeman's after him hey do you want to see the scariest thing of all time i love this artwork it's the angriest hushing face i've ever seen why does jesus look so intimidating it's like i caught him in the church touching kids oh wait wait a minute here are some of the steam achievements jesus gets assassinated jesus is ticklish and pissed and here we are the title screen the secrets of jesus the game starts off in italy where a lonely fisherman can't catch any fish so then he starts whinging about having pizza again and then starts complaining about his weight and then oh jesus lord in heaven please don't make me eat pizza again i'm praying to the almighty lord please don't make me eat pizza again please do not let me eat dominoes again so then the angels say fine shut up and god himself hands him a message in a bottle that reads don't get too excited there's nothing actually useful in this message but have you heard of a man named jesus immediately we forget the plight of the starving fish man and end up in jesus's crib and guess what he won't stop bitching either i don't like my house i can't sleep my neck hurts i have ocd just get to the point already look here's mary doing something weird with her arm legs let's give her a pack good boy surprise for god's sake jesus where's the writer's nobel prize secrets of jesus is boring there is so much talking in this damn thing i know point-and-click games tend to be a bit talky but no joke this is mostly dialogue absolutely insipid dialogue that doesn't mean anything explain anything contribute to the plot it's like walking into someone else's text messages from the year 30 a.d well at the very least jesus does give us a bit of the look he goes around the town being so high and mighty it makes me sick he finds an old man demands his name and then when he asks for jesus name in return he replies don't worry simpleton you can't pronounce it anyway he disturbs the home of a naked woman demands that she come outside because he's going to heal people she says no thanks because i'm you know naked and he says back to her that if she comes out right now he'll use his powers to enlarge some of her even candles candles are beneath this man who does he think he is the son of god i'm the light candles are useless compared to me well okay then mr big shot if you're so bright and wonderful you can be my hallway lamp oh no what's this now jesus christ himself refuses to carry on walking forward on this path because there are two rabbits in the way what kind of messiah are you clicking around clicking around clicking around i have no idea what i'm doing can't go this way can't go that way can't pick this up can't pick that up ruin this person's day ruin that person's day shall i jump yes do you want to know what the name of the next game is jesus in space jesus in space this will look perfect on my desktop next to manhunt 2. stardate 9 10 18 somewhere in the alpha gamer system christians aboard the starship tarsus are on a mission too oh man let me guess a mission to save an entire planet ecosystem a mission to end a centuries-long war a mission to rescue a captured galactic diplomat a mission to share the gospel hyperdrive check bibles check sorry dude bibles aren't going to save you from your own hair growing out of your eyes this is stu dent and he's a lovable little christian boy whose sole mission is to explore other planets and share oh i get it and share the good word of jesus with aliens sadly you never get to see jesus in space in jesus in space but it's okay instead you get to see humpty dumpty oh and they also have this robot dressed as a sunday school teacher wow shelby is that a new hair hologram you're wearing nice i would take you out back but luckily for you thou shalt not covered thy robot earth by the way look at this picture i've never seen a game screenshot where absolutely nothing looks like it belongs together and i love it all of a sudden we get an extreme close-up of sunburned buzz lightyear and then we're attacked by asteroids oh no but don't worry if you don't want to do it you can skip every single minigame if you want with this little menu up here you can't lock out the gospel of jesus behind a difficulty wall i do recommend that you do that anyway though because otherwise you'll be stuck listening to these noises whenever you do anything right nice shot stew nice shot stew nice shot stew nice shot stew oh and one more thing shut up okay right so here are three missions we need to do and stu dent is very excited about them jeez gromit and to be honest i'm very curious how they're gonna tell the baptism of jesus christ in space well this is how by explaining it with a fish priest but little do they know at my primary school this is what all my vicars looked like just like with that fluffy game from earlier we need to fill in blank parts of a sentence with our own words but woefully we only get to swap between a small number of sensible suggestions making this whole thing not fun at all russian ties well to be fair the way the robot says reef does make it all worth it reef reef rape then we need to decorate an underwater scene to show off what we learned about the baptism of jesus oh my god there's a shipwreck all the cargo everywhere so many innocent lives are dead what caused this there's also a three-eyed crab up there in immense pain let's have a look at one last mission before we move on though the last supper and foot washing i didn't know jesus was into that and who is going to teach us about the time that jesus opened a spa well this guy's gonna teach us chief whackamack with his oh oh oh no he's gonna be offensive isn't he you tell chief whackamac is good or no good okey-dokey yep he is [ __ ] jesus now this mini game this mini game is tossed what they want you to do is say if the robot here is right or wrong when he tries to remember a bible verse that he acts out if you know it you carry on if you don't you electrocute a child yeah that's just how i remember my church get it right or you die in fact this kid is so desperate to meet his maker he even made this device named it after himself and positioned it directly above him you know just in case he gets an answer wrong oh no silly me what a mistake i made you better shock me then i'm a sinner that needs to be punished sir he clearly enjoys it and who am i to tell him he's wrong but just like his crotch i'm disappointed and concerned so the lesson we learned today is that john the baptist was a mutant fish man and everyone in the call of cthulhu was right i'm not sure i can take much more of this [ __ ] so i've only got enough energy left for one more game what are we ending this pilgrimage on jesus in the matrix this game begins with huh and then he knocks on the door of your heart what will be your answer to that now oh where am i what am i doing who are you why are there christian facebook minion memes i think jesus is pretty g-sus i don't think i've ever been this confused jumping into anything in my life what am i supposed to make of any of this the red pill the red pill are you telling me i need to take the red pill to believe in jesus and earn everlasting life in heaven i thought it was just so you could vote for trump you there yes frightening woman why are you hiding from the lord excellent question and i don't know but maybe it's because he's scaring me with billboards trying to get me to buy his merch from how my hands hurt.com hallelujah hallelujah [Music] actually do you know what these things are they are not subliminal billboard ads they're cards and they're a core part of the game cards according to the website penetrates into the lives of men and crushes the fetters of the lies brackets of the matrix asterix asterix asterix so that anyone who has understood and accepted jesus's sacrifice can freely see and breathe what's that that didn't make any damn sense to you whatsoever good because the whole game doesn't either but then again why am i trying to find sense in this when the website also says the target of this game is that it creates a community where everyone can express their opinions beliefs or conclusions but then also says five seconds later that the most important event in the universe was the death of jesus christ on the cross so your opinion is wrong now i know you're all dying to know how do you play jesus in the matrix jesus in the middle after a very long time of me just running around in circles wondering if this was my punishment after i died in real life i ended up figuring out that all of these floating red pills here are opposite to these blank cards and to beat the game you need to fill all of them in with the correct words of each part of certain bible scripture to make the card light up and according to this lady that i found in a [Music] greenhouse the more messages you make visible to non-believers the more people will choose to leave the matrix you heard that right if you don't believe in the almighty you are living in the matrix and the only way to get out of the matrix is to click on the correct word or you can say sod all of that and follow these people running off towards damnation and just look at how excited they are they're the only people in this whole game actively running they are so hyped for hell that they are sprinting to it kick ass i want to go and see oh hell looks a lot like the place i just came from if you hear my voice and open the door i will come in and we will have dinner together this is terrifying is this game a joke is it taking the piss i actually can't tell if this is all supposed to convince me not to go to hell it isn't working so off i go oh christ oh my [ __ ] jesus mother and [ __ ] mary and god's [ __ ] pants get me out of here right [ __ ] now and i trapped myself in the game forever yep i'm stuck i can't kill myself i can't respawn i'm just stuck but hey i did kill satan because i found his one single weakness draw distance my favorite thing about this whole situation though is that absolutely nothing in this game can kill me not warfare not heights not lava [Music] not even the devil himself but getting a bible verse incorrect does kill me bye more for you see you next week and i know what you're all thinking where is jesus in the matrix yep there he is hi jesus he died for our sins and now he's stuck in the matrix with agent smith and if you ever had any doubt in your mind if jesus ever existed well jesus is so real that you can walk right through him hey guys do you like my new haircut it's really smelly and now i'm sure that you've all heard of the trojan horse but have you all heard of the trojan crucifix if you're interested jesus christ is still on display in the matrix at the london zoo for a limited time only so don't delay get your tickets today london zoo we have animals and a dead hairy man yeah i think i'm just about done here what a trip that was and there we go i hope you enjoyed this video from me this holiday season and whatever you celebrate this time of year i hope you enjoy it it's been a miserable couple of years for everybody so don't take your loved ones for granted have as much fun with them as you possibly can and don't forget if you do celebrate christmas please make sure that you are the best good and loving christians you can be you know just like goofy when he found out about his son's preferences and was abundantly supportive and accepting towards him maxie we don't want any queers in this house actually don't be like goofy goofy's a [ __ ] and you know who i am i am jesus christ this is an actual real game on steam that hasn't been released yet but my boy i am so glad that the world of jesus games isn't going away anytime soon let's check it out an angel of the lord appeared and said [Music] joseph son of david do not be afraid to take mary home as your wife because what is conceived in her is from the holy spirit this game is gonna kill me [Music] hello my son oh jesus it's the real jesus you've been a very naughty boy haven't you oh come on it was just a joke do you know what my favorite joke is i don't care knock knock who's there you're going to hell bye wait no stop it no i don't mean no please don't do that please get your stupid smelly fingers off get please well at least my body's on amazon prime please subscribe and don't forget to hit that bell follow me on instagram and twitter because it's 8 a.m in the morning as i record this and i just got the video done and i think i'm gonna cry if you don't follow me please follow me special thank you to my executive producers on my patreon page in the description below anders and dell basil blake brown can you say rod grodd med float what savior of light cards the mage chris rainbird colin mclean dan and alex dave marshall dredge and bungo and mr turboman evelyn merrill exopas giant firing coal harper onions inflim iron ninja lucifer 1307 mitchell reed m.r rushton peter spedding ramen wall 1485 raven torah red eyed critic rosie stewart skull man slow pog star man stubs stefano urena tardis type 40 the game shed the real kit nathaniel's demonetized word mcgee sorry can't say it try tesla whirlwind abyss and we'll be fat stan catty please word your tweets better you nearly gave me a heart attack

Channel: Caddicarus

Views: 2,625,405

Keywords: jesus games, bible games, christian games, jesus, christian, bible, jesus game, bible game, christmas, gameplay, game review, game reviews, metal jesus, review, jesus christ, game finds, PC, playstation, jesus christ game, i am jesus christ game, god, god game, religious, religious game, gaming, funny, caddicarus, dykgaming, pbg, peanut butter gamer, jontron, exorcism, avgn, saints of virtue, jesus christ rpg, indie game, indie games, indie, game grumps, matrix, jesus in space, beefy boys

Id: Q9EspvjWcRs

Length: 66min 26sec (3986 seconds)

Published: Sun Dec 19 2021

Reddit Comments

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[u/F0rtnite_is_ok]

I'm watching it right now and, don't get me wrong it's good, I just feel like I'm going to hell for it

[u/pipopapupupewebghost]

So I just fhinshes watching this video and I must say this caddicarus video was great the previous video which in my opinion was kind of a mess and unmemorable it felt like a mess this video was really good the humorous was great the live action segments were memrobale the obscurity of the games was a great surprise and I feel caddy should try to do a single topic like this and get random games from so many devices internet rabbit holes and decades that all have a single theme again

[u/nintendonerd256]

Does anyone know the name of the song that was at 48:12? I’ve been looking for it after I heard it in some other videos.

[u/Head_Radio912]

As a Catholic, this is fantastic and reminds me how much I need to watch Monty Python's The Life of Brian.