The Best CollegeHumor Sketches Ever (of 2019)

[Music] so it's like see so it's like the but it's difference got comics and chats and stuff too did you guys get my invite to my birthday yeah yeah I'm so sorry you guys shouldn't have gotten that so you can just a Signori times getting to be oh yeah we should probably order food if we're gonna be here all night yeah let's do it you guys want Chinese yeah oh yeah what's do Ming Moon they close in five minutes though so just how much you want to order I'll call it it uh all of the General Tso's combo sorry do they have a menu yeah I mean theoretically they have one but you know it's a Chinese food restaurant so they have you know Chinese food well let me just look at that and then I can decide okay well they're not on Yelp so there is no menu to look at but even if there was you know it's it's Chinese food right I mean you wouldn't need a menu for ordering pizza we are we getting pizza cuz that I definitely need to see a menu no we're not ordering pizza we have exactly four minutes until this place closes all right we're not gonna pit 'aa and even if we were none of you should need a menu right it's the same toppings always forever everywhere and we should all know generally what we like by now you're not sure come to think of it I really would love to take a look at a menu cuz what if I want to change things up grant if you want to live out in some fantasy world where you make new and exciting decisions be my guest but we all know when the chips are down you're getting beef and broccoli pork fried rice and an egg roll like you always do what if they don't have General Tso's that they will have general South's but what if they don't if they don't I promise you that they will have something exactly like General Tso's I just don't know what I want unless they pick it off the menu okay okay okay that's fine that's totally fine here's what you can do using the power of your imagination construct a menu in your mind's eye consisting of all the Chinese food meals you've enjoyed over your long lives then using mental menu tell me what you want to order what if they don't have dumplings what if they don't have dumplings yes God above is my witness grant they will have dumplings are they on the menu cuz be really rude to ask if it wasn't on the menu menus are for cowards and simpletons traps persons of character look in their heart and know what they want to order you always know what you want to order I haven't looked at a menu in 24 years try me ha Patsy you Thai iced tea India she can take him a solid garlic Thai chicken pork chicken chicken piccata go to hell you first Jeanne grates your three wishes world's greatest sorcerer new magic lamp reading for the first gene you're at a diner where you can mix and match medium-well bacon and grilled onions chocolate milk beef broth Lee pork fried rice tentacle I knew it just slime Mina number one and number three and number five and number seven a wonton soup and an egg roll for pickup thank you so much have a great night you know technically an egg rolls of sandwich oh go to hell John Mayer you're not Jerry Garcia Hey hey Scarlett sorry that latest project didn't work out but you know what let's just put those days of picking controversial rolls behind us huh we talked about this scar Joe okay like when you tried to play a trans man in a movie or when you actually did play an Asian woman and ghost in the show and I know you said that an actor can play any person tree or animal but let's stick with person and let's stick with roles that are suitable for Scarlett huh like I got a lot of great scripts over here like Oprah is starring and producing a historical drama about a black mother who befriends a white teacher in the segregation era oh I love to do that yeah except I'm Oprah Spartan Oprah is my part as actors we cannot do what is expected we must be the dark mirrors of society acting is react hey Scarlett I've got some primo Oscar fodder here you play a German spy who aids the Allies during World War two okay quick [ __ ] can they make my character a disabled latina German why I that I'm not even sure that that makes historical sense it's let me call you back oh hey scarlet I got this incredible young Marilyn Monroe biopic on my desk I'm interested you'd play Marilyn as she was no more the characters I know I've got the perfect director for this my dear friend Woody Allen I don't think that's a great idea I'll make it with woody and nobody else he understands young women I want to do the new Benjamin Button movie okay nothing problematic with that yeah age backwards into a baby show your range as an actor right but I want change backwards into a black baby so you age backwards and your race slowly turns black I don't know yeah stupid right that's stupid good call ScarJo I'm black the whole time and I age backwards no yeah you're an actor Scarlett speaking all right I got a lot of options here in case one of these doesn't work out musical where you play a washed-up pop star trying to revive her career as long as she's in a kpop band moving on a they want you to narrate a documentary about endangered wolves only if I can speak in a Native American accent I'm really good at it do you want to hear it absolutely not okay Marvel called they saw your interview they want you to be the voice of the new group like the tree yes okay but I have to be a block off what is that even me also I want to play Malala I'm in a tunnel came out of the tunnel hey Scarlett I got nothing left for you we've been through every script my own screenplay about what about my own life my life story and you'd be you playing yourself I can't wait to read it I'd mostly be revisiting my time playing motoko kusanagi and ghost in the shell' well Scarlett Ingrid Johansson this is a whole Pandora's box full of what's going on I've asked you all to meet me here because somebody in this room got me sick yes one of you one of us why that's preposterous you might open it or perhaps was simply tired or dehydrated yes hydration it's terribly important I read an article about it unit no the fact is that I am sick all the early warning signs are there swollen lymph nodes headaches scratchy throat the only people I've been around lately oh you wear this part right maybe it was an accident oh maybe there's just something going around these things don't just go around no someone got me sick and justice will be done you ready who seemed quite keen to dismiss this whole thing very curious for a man who spent hours breathing in my face on Oh dare you sir ah I've never been sick a day in my life besides we all know got you sick it was bra yes user while we also knew hacking and wheezing away yesterday a misunderstand there were my allergies your allergies and what exactly are you allergic to do I everything my Constitution is as weak as my arms oh please this surely can't be that weak Oh what they are on account of my old age this is the most convincing story I can see with my own eyes how old and frail this man is well I refuse to believe that is one of us I mean perhaps it was your wife trap or maybe one of those dirty old bust poles it was Jessica gret no I can't be silent any longer Jessica this to eating yesterday about vomiting it you Jessica it's true no wasn't you know did you get a sick no you get me sick no no no I not I've vomited because of a very intense workout and then I vomited again because I was excited and I vomited a third time because I saw the first pile of vomit I vomit literally all the time you probably weren't drinking enough water water doesn't fix everything well I don't know if you'd read this article that I had read who might be quite here's the thing Siobhan we're not gonna read that article anyway you all seem to be forgetting there's a monster here a monster in our midst a monster named why I didn't even come into the office yesterday no you weren't in the office were you RAF and why was that I took a personal day can't I take a personal day you can take a personal day RAF but I have seen the personnel calendar I know for a fact you took a sick day no yes it's right here plain as paper now why would you lie about that why would you try to hide it I'll tell you why because you're guilty you got me sick you got Brennan's ik blend oh blammo I say to you case closed okay I took a sick day actually sick I was hungover Wednesday don't judge me but I hope you drank plenty of fluids sod damaged the bond if you bring up this water theory one more time I'm going to lose it so here's the sticky wicket of it although if it wasn't ratified who the blazes was who indeed this is a most twisted case not Brennan who got sick in this very room not raff or grant or Jessica whose ailments were not contagious which can only mean hello it's Sivan yeah Thank You colonel Wow what would I do without you company I've been drinking simply bucket loads of water did my god Siobhan there's no crime so Louis getting another sick no victim more undeserving than I didn't you kill Pat allegedly in the eyes of the court in the eyes of America I definitely did not kill path [Music] hey what is all this I just became a seabird representative and I thought I'd try out my little sales pitch here at the office first you interested yes sure can I help you find anything in particular I'm not familiar with sea bird makeup so I guess is that a joke I'm sorry we do not sell makeup products we sell wellness products okay I mean looks like as a wellness friend we sell products that help you become a better you by building your confidence okay so you can clearly see we are very different okay I mean it seems the thing I noticed you have big big big dark circles under your eyes like a raccoon who's been punched anyway give me that I love it it's really good under-eye concealer that is not a concealer we do not sell a concealer that is actually our inner glow enhancing cream yeah okay I mean between us like we don't have to do this right like I get the whole lingo but it's just concealer it's makeup that's it's really not though it helps you love the skin you're in by completely covering it so it's a smooth even color and it also conceals your facial flaws yeah you just said conceal right so it is a concealer anyway our customers absolutely swear by our have in line there is the heavenly dot cream the heavenly scrub and the heavenly moisturizer which I see you are just taking on your own okay this is just like to cover up acne right those are designed to help with your inner beauty with the enhancement of your inner beauty we don't really deal with older Beauty I don't even what is yeah but I'm looking at the ingredients it's a sick Siebert is totally obsessed with feminism now that's why we sell these adorable little thongs that's a feminist a this is a feminist product being traditionally sexy is one of the absolute best ways for women to empower them Caitie this is a part of the problem we also have an amazing line really yummy foods these are my favorite take a look this is just diet food we do not sell dining foods so that is a life style food it says appetite suppressant right but suppress your appetite for you and not because society tells you to Katie that is such BS alright we know the only reason we're doing any of this is to conform with society to feel like we fit in right have you heard what about our new seabird feelgood waist huggers they will instantly cut inches from your waist waist hugger it's not cute it's a waist trainer and it's not how we have found through scientific study and research and through experimentation but waists of all sizes need to be hugged I need you right now just for my own sanity to tell me that this is lipstick it is strength enhancing lip love is that what you meant by lipstick this right here this is mascara and we could just call it mascara and it's okay we're allowed to call it what it is it is inner light extraction syrup I'm sorry that's embarrassing freeze stop lying this is eye shadow I know you know it's eye shadow no embarrassing again that is actually peaceful thoughts skin sack we're not falling for any of this we know that you are just selling expensive stuff to make women more traditionally attractive it's okay if somebody likes that but we can call it what it is right Jess calm down okay if you do not like my seabird products you do not need to purchase my seabird products Ric is just over there I'll just go talk to her instead alright I'll just start packing these up ok please no don't pack them up great I thought so that will be three thousand nine hundred and seventy eight dollars tip is not included tip is not included usually 30 to 40 percent Oh a lot if it's a friend fifty percent [Music] yeah it's nice to see you again jelly and you as well Tommy I can't wait to answer questions about the whimsical world of Tommy Tommy Tommy that's you Mike Scott bagel daily report Tommy question for you what would you say is the most Zini craziest part of being a chocolatier I'd have to say it's the expansion I started at conglomerates I was in charge of production in Midwestern cities primarily with the population less than 500,000 and now it's very exotic incredible uh Jilly as a woman what does it feel like to be in a male-dominated field oh you're not gonna ask me the fun question to know oh you know I'm Jilly Janka of the junka factory you know my candy can fly can turn your ears blue can sing you a song or can turn you into a bird - oh well I guess as a woman I face a lot of adversity bill bred from the weekly report Tommy by the way big fan of your work what's the craziest day at the Chocolate Factory look like for you oh it's the day so I have gets a phone call took a phone call the other day from one of our distributors in Tacoma gal calls me up she says the boxes that were using to ship the chocolates are too thin now here I go I've got a research the boxes and figure out which one is gonna be big enough of course i I don't have any idea what sort of box is gonna be thick the way we need it to be and so now I'm down a rabbit hole on the thickness and the thinness on the boxes and haha that was crazy riveting and jilly yes the craziest thing about our chocolate is that it is run by actual chocolate Labrador dogs actually I was wondering as a woman of color did you find it difficult to break into the business why does he get to answer all the fun questions I don't want to answer as a woman of color I think a stab at it I mean I literally just told you that I have a lab run by dogs it's not exciting and fun don't you care how that works are how I'm legally allowed to do that sorry miss JA it's just that you know you're one of the very few women of color in your field who've gained this level of visibility and fame so we're curious about your struggles you know to to help the children you look up to have to think about the to answer your question yes it was hard to rise up in my field plenty of people are going to say no to you and you just can't say no to yourself for instance when I was inventing my fizzing magic like gummy is do the magic like gummies also faced adversity as women of color are not women of color they're Terry and lime can somebody please talk to me about something fun I don't want to talk about serious stuff speaking of limes I saw a line for the first time the other day Wow Tommy what was it like when you first saw the line was it exciting tell us everything it was green and it looked spicy [Music] pure Rayz of joy jillee yes what is it what's your favorite kind of candy you've made my favourite candy yes I love this question thank you my favorite candy that is our malted spring of eternal life peanut butter balls they contain within them this secret to everlasting life as a woman of color is eternal life important to you and please reference your struggles in your answer thank you [Music] she's very difficult we have our two new cast members joining us today Lily tale come on out here okay so now let's get to know our two new hires with some fun icebreaker questions Lily if you had to describe yourself with an adjective and of food what would it be well I'm dry and I love tuna so I guess I'd be dry tuna do we have to do these icebreaker questions they're always so lame and everything to know anything real about anyone whatever I'll just go to the bar after work that's a much better way to get to know me oh you're one of those types that doesn't like social conventions yeah we have questions for people like you [Music] Tale on the day of your best friend's wedding you find out that her husband is having an affair with a maid of honor do you completely ruin the wedding she has poured her heart into planning or let her enter a marriage destined to fail this feels like a really dark question so this is it now we get to know the real tale I guess I tell my friend to cancel the wedding what a monster indeed Te'o shame on you Lily if you were gonna go to Six Flags who would you rather go with Taylor Swift or Tom hey gotta go with my girl t swim [Applause] six likes of Tom Hanks I love Tom Hanks you know like life was like a box of chocolates you'd tear the nor other shows up at your door with a body he's killed someone in a fit of rage and now he needs your help bearing the evidence do you help him or do you turn your father in to the authorities answer the Six Flags question I love Hank's I love Hank so in this hypothetical situation Tom Hanks died from syphilis claw tail how could you syphilis me I'm not the one controlling this fictional universe or field or two so I call the cops on my father and I and I would turn him in wow that's that dove I guess none of us will be sharing any secrets with you anytime soon really last question you like snow got to know the real me already I don't think I need another question you everybody gets three questions this is the drunk driver who killed your sister when you're 15 Wendy how do you guys know about that googled it anyway the statute of limitations has fully expired this guy will never answer for taking your sister's life are you prepared to take justice into your own hands [Music] he was really gonna do that that guns not loaded Wow well I'm glad we got to know the real sail this isn't the guy that killed your sister dummy is Luke bill he works here Wow yeah welcome to college humor tale [Music] yeah I'm gonna look at him in the eyes every day it's gonna be a lot of fun for me hear that freak okay so I know that there have been a lot of heated emotions between you two lately so I would like you each to one at a time please tell me how you're feeling everything okay I did say one at a time but okay I would classify this as a textbook toxic relationship so Rick and Morty why don't you tell me in your own words how you think it got to this point you have no idea I can't get rid of him I tried to break it off but he won't leave me alone because your mind babe nobody else against you like I do you don't own me hey let's separate just remember our I feel statements okay now I want you both to think back to when this relationship started all right were you were you ever happy what made you happy I mean I had never met anyone as passionate as him you know non-stop praise and affection 24/7 but eventually it just got to be too much that's baloney it's honestly your friends who are always trying to pull us apart cuz they're jealous of what we have they don't get you nobody but me gets don't want to be around me anymore because of him he scares them all away the first thing everyone thinks about when they think of me is him that's a good thing babe what do you even like about me I'm like Rick to enjoy being around Rick and Morty because you see a reflection of yourself because that brick is a piece of your hero-worshipping a character that's meant to be my super smarty badass he do science he's burping it sounds to me like you've placed your identity into the hands of Rick and Morty and he doesn't want that okay you see how that's unfair to him I guess tell that to pickle Rick frickin rules I don't want to talk to your tattoo I want to talk to you everything I do is for you remember we went to McDonald's and the McDonald's guy came out and he didn't have the Szechuan sauce from the episode and I punched the McDonald's guy in the head and you never said thank you why would I say thank you for that I care about you so much and other people say they do but they don't they don't even know what a shekel is like you like you do you even know what a shackle is yes it's a form of currency we can all shut up for just a couple of moments here I don't often recommend this but I think maybe you two don't belong together I think you should find a new fan base and I think that maybe you should should just be alone for a little while you know discover yourself because it seems like you're hurting the very things that you care about you know I myself like Rick and Morty quite a bit nobody loves Rick and Morty more than me okay what I'm gonna say is that I empathize with you I also like the show I find it very funny it's a good mix of highbrow and lowbrow I love brown you just don't get it I am I'm so sorry about that it's okay you know I really really do like you a lot it's sometimes I'm embarrassed to admit it because I don't want to be associated with them yeah yeah eh I get it I get it [Music] so what I'm hearing from you is that you're confused about where this relationship is going to be honest I don't know what I'm still doing here [Music] 420 baby finally I've been so stressed out lately I just need something to calm me down and chill me totally yeah all right look I got oh gee cooks I got Silver Haze I got true okay trainwreck it's gonna be a little too intense for me I guess I'll go with OG cuz you could stop do not make a decision yet my partner works at a dispensary I have so much stuff to try okay you got any indicas uh yeah totally in to cut off your arms we also have everyone knows all your secrets Hays and what you're doing is illegal cush oh also OG trinova Chernobyl yeah it's kind of like I really like sleepy high just like really relaxing do you have anything like rainbow dream are you serious no no I don't have anything like that hard honestly that was crazy that you even asked for that and he's sativas oh yeah here this one is perfect really mellow but you can still get a lot done Oh perfect that's exactly worst way to die cush yeah it's like really heady how about something more in the euphoric realm Oh totally Carrie you will love we will pluck out your eyes with toothpicks purp no this is your biggest mistakes cush Oh everyone can hear your thoughts you forgot how to speak haze thank God oh gee wow your hands really are big and a spike Lee joint oh that sounds good starring Mel Gibson oh never mind let's see lost both your feet in a car accident could vomit your heart will stop no this is interested aim of the strain your heart will actually stop good that's just the newspaper you're supposed to read it not smoking this has been getting me high is there any strain that isn't named after an ailment or a disaster of course I have as you do that then I also have CBD beads it's not gonna get you high oh gee wet dog foods my oh no that was it my personal oh gee my J seen that coming my rule of three based on the novel push by Sapphire that wheat is based on a book Maya Angelou that's disrespectful cannabis why grant O'Brien how did he get this isn't somebody's : Oh daddy dankey roast dogfish Head 90-minute IPA boring star trek into the dankness that's nerd she rat poison that's just rat poison is that mellow no you got raided no I'm asking you not the plate okay look I thought it would be fun to get high at the office but clearly I was wrong these names are really bumming me out yeah I get that I know where Katie keeps her cocaine oh I'm down welcome one and all to a tale of despair we're in the new technologies all good folk must beware won't be the same it is a new anthology play about the dangers of really the middle black/white behold our play the first being the tale of a young jackanape who hath learned to read young shepherd why dost thou not tend dine flock Shepherd put so much of his mind into this book that he has become but an object and I have become scent even fiction I'd never see young uns what without books in their hands never look up walking around was to say they will go crazy and kill someone obviously one must lead to the other there was I have never seen such a convenient implement such as this here poor I've been thinking about getting myself a plough we all do long for greater ease of living yet laziness can lead to great misgiving young Archer why does thou not practice at thine target behold I have brought my new technology a crossbow be that the same character from the first one no it's a new one each time Oh what's fun yeah I have shot mine bald but it does take too much time to reload take mine long I have become tall weak from the technology and I cannot even hold it and now I have the peg twist indeed who can tell for what's the big arrives who be afeared he did Lee sons and daughters for walking less while stretching work and behold what new technology be taught it is my New York what lets me carry more water than before but if they'll carry us two buckets mus and then now carry three then four the numbers greater still well-reasoned it's what they told me neighbor got a yoke [Music] the Lord mine and now there are two more Bukit than man and we must store the in the village square that be my favorite [Applause] would be why I like it oh you know the town crier have to write them all from best to worst including the Christmas play starring John the ham oh I love John behan t such a handsome man all five teeth so low [Music] you be the ruin of us all bury me eight son are you coming no I've been to enough funerals this morning I think I'm gonna go cover myself in leeches all right come for yourself you know that's what you see sure self-care okay we'll get you standing right over here I got to tell you I'm so excited to finally pick some pictures for some gay people oh yeah yes straights always with these crazy pictures where you can't know what they do you mind just going little or okay well I don't know what I was expecting so I can just write anything I want yes but you want to get people's attention so put your best foot forward as they say yeah I mean yeah that'll that'll do it oh cool you work out I have worked out with what Jim D is let's just go with Equinox but that's the hot one right yeah okay feel the burn listen I'll be honest the picture is really more important than the profile so whatever you say is fine yeah cool unless you say that do you mind just going just a little lower see people won't know who you are then right yeah okay hey why don't you take your sunglasses off and uh you know smile a little bit don't you see I'm better than this app and why are you doing this because I'm lonely no taps [Music] can you frame this up for me that you at one point yes did you get it what do you fellas doing here we're taking profile pictures for Grindr Wow could we take a look no we've always been so curious yeah just you know it can be it can be kind of a lot we got it we've seen a lot I've been abroad then face me when you're ready I don't think you get what Grindr is I don't think you know what Grindr is no I didn't oh so is that like better you can't say something shitty and excuse it by saying just a preference the old braces chopped owners with no Irish signs in their window just had a preference - gotcha so it's just like tinder not really what is that hon what is that is that just it oh my god it's an that's just a huge hard closeup of it what goes on here come on low low good and face me when you're ready okay so we're just we're all saying ain't knapp inches that's just what we're doing now [Music] cool that's cool yeah just a little lower okay why even have a profile picture at all good idea what am I even doing here to you huh yeah do you think you can get us both in oh I can get you both in okay hi I'm here for my annual physical I haven't been in years because I didn't have health insurance great fill up the stack of paperwork that you know none of the information for and wait an hour after your scheduled appointment to be seen really an hour even though there's literally no one else here mm-hmm step on in time for it can joke about getting weighed but I tie a lot of my personal value to the number on the scale and if it's too high I'm gonna be devastated hey can I waste your time by acting like taking off my jackets gonna make any difference at all I'm gonna tear this paper but because it's just hi I know that you waited long but I'm still gonna say that I hope you didn't oh that's okay I've just been on my cell phone despite all the signs telling me not to no I know what you're thinking and yes I am younger than you oh yeah that's what I thought well now I'm wondering are you qualified but also what am I doing with my life let's get started tell me everything that's wrong with your family interesting now you could have all of that or none of that either way most likely we won't be able to tell until it's too late okay no I can tell just by looking at you how much you exercise but I'm still gonna have to ask every day but I do consider walking from the couch to the toilet exercise great while you're lying let's talk about how much you drink oh god the real number shocks even me but if I say it out loud it's kind of cementing a problem right so let's just say like one or two times a week based every weekend gotcha I can't believe I have to ask this one but do you smoke were we not clear that that's a terrible thing to do to your body I do smoke but only weed and since I was so honest about that I don't feel bad about lying about that other stuff oh well all of that really doesn't tell me much of anything so let's get you checked out okay 120 over 80 oh good I have no idea what that means and breathe like a weirdo gross anything else before you leave I guess there's this one tiny thing that bothers me every day but I do nothing about it let me write you a prescription for that so that this annual physical that's supposed to be covered by your insurance is now a consultation visit that you have to pay for but don't worry we won't find out until you get the bill in the mail well thank you so much I'll see you never again gosh she seemed happy today that's cuz I'm on potato chips okay cuts Lily you're doing great just keep doing what you're doing grant a small note can we try this next one just a little bit bigger a little bigger yeah it's just it's playing a little subdued right now so like let's really see that emotion go big you know swing for the fences oh sure yeah camera set and action gosh happy today oh yeah Lily hey no chips oh okay okay cut Lily love the improv that was fantastic grant buddy uh due back no no I was gonna say I don't think you took the note before like let's just go a little bigger this time really yeah yeah just a little bit bigger you know hmm I won't lie that that felt crazy I'm sure it feels weird you know when you're out there and all the cameras are aimed at you and you can't really see what it looks like but trust me like on the monitor it's looking really good I just think we need to push it okay so bigger bigger yeah just go big got your back and action oh she seemed happy today okay cuts grant Wow too big no it was it was a lot of ignoring me is what that was I want you to go big okay big big big big big big go big grant is this a pregnant what no it's not a prank grant this is the end of the sketch right this is the big moment it's got to be huge otherwise what was the whole sketch leading towards you know any notes for me really honestly you're perfect don't change a thing it's a dream to come in and work like maybe I'm not understanding okay what exactly do you mean when you say go bigger just bigger okay go bigger if that last take was a six let me see in a letter that was a six if you go too far I'll bring it back okay I'm already too far looking great I'm on can I see no playback on set ever okay action oh she seemed happy that's because I big pile of potato chips bigger than that just push yourself okay I need you to push yourself or one take all right let me go one take we've done by go a little bit bigger a little bit bigger okay grant written come on all right let's do the Mon right remember being born Brett you're being born okay you're a child you're being born a brand new world full of wonder and curiosity magic the first thing sees your mother and your mother that feeling as a child that love you feel that's the love of potato chips that's what I want from you okay ha you can thank you Lily Grimm you're getting older you can look at me mommy look at me grant why don't you look but it's table holding back go big go big okay great could you go bigger okay red we're trying to make here [Applause] okay cut [Music] hmm grant [Music] Oh what's happening grant wasn't big enough oh how big is grant anyways [Music] we are getting reports of infection now on every continent the EU as frozen border that all are dead sorry you get back something thank God I can look at that protein structure from what I can see the virus will be lethal in all cases but it will only affect baby boomers Oh huh huh well that's yeah so you're saying this virus will only affect people between the ages of 55 and 75 that's what it looks like truly horrible right yes that's a lot of people who own a lot of property yes so you're saying we could finally afford to buy houses yeah honestly I thought that was never gonna happen but at what cost carnage on an unimaginable scale on a match but not awesome vegetable I mean I'm imagining it right now we should do something yeah yeah yeah you're imagining it - they weren't you just think of the change it would make in politics let's clear out like 80% of the Republican Party Fox News is dunzo we could finally get something done about climate change now there's an argument and I am of course not making it but there's an argument that climate change is actually more dangerous than this virus because climate change affects everyone exactly virus just affects boomers you got me exactly yes yes uh-huh but this is their parents we're talking about yes our aunts our uncle's what were the holidays be like without the nation's uncles I wouldn't have to worry about them liking pictures of me and my swimsuits from years ago my parents I would miss though yeah I'd be sad yeah so sad we could put up a statue nice one with powers and a plan their favorite poem and that would actually be very beautiful I'm not like actually yeah yeah yeah way to cure this though yeah I'll call dr. Struthers Oh God dr. Struthers Jesus he sought hard is it to figure out the Wi-Fi my dude he thinks we're all IT I am a literal doctor he calls me sweetheart as what like 60 yeah he's constantly talking about this Summer of Love as if he was at Woodstock and not studying biology at SUNY Cortland we could tell him on Monday I mean ain't nobody wants to get a pile of work thrown at him on a Friday get to work really hard on finding a cure for this horrible virus I mean we're gonna be 55 to someday it will affect us right will and we don't deserve this we aren't the ones who decided to enrich ourselves by clearing out the social safety net and killing the planet all while smugly wielding this unearned superiority complex over everyone else oh we created social media but gig economy we're great microscopes were hello America a mat stool CEO of Jul the makers of America's favorite electronic cigarettes we recently come under fire for advertisements targeting young children and has to face this company I just want to tell you we are so sorry we would never market the developing brains of America's future because bottom line that's what children are they're our future so as a special apology would like to issue all jewel users a free pack of our expanded flavors that means you get cherry berry unicorn raspberry rainbow and minecraft cut cut minecraft that's a game what the hell what would minecraft tastes like it tastes earthy oh I have never seen blue raspberry marketed to anyone over the age of 10 I like blue raspberry no you don't I think children barely like blue raspberry boy you got a dump it got dumped all of it yeah all my jewels stock I don't care partially invested is fine this we got maybe less than a week hold on sorry we a jewel know that adults love our product but don't want the hassle of keeping their ecig arete s-- away from kids which is why jewel owners can now receive our special jewel carrying case it's got plenty of space for your jewel device and up to four jewel pods with enough room left over for a sandwich and a milk carton lunchbox gang anyone disagree it's a jewel carrying case yellow red pink green blue black those are the exact colors of the Power Rangers we want adults to use this one adult in their right mind is gonna put their jewel pods in a brightly colored lunch box next to a carton of milk I use that for myself you use this as a jewel carrying case yeah cool show it to me show me yours did you use my kid to get this glue back today the child took it to school by accident whatever did he think it was that's what I'm talking about the things got lunch we're also happy to announce our first foray into long-form content with the release of our new show just jewel about a hapless guy who runs a jewel shop okay that's not bad so not only is the children's cartoon but we are flagrantly ripping off Pokemon that's Pikachu squirtle Bulbasaur Charmander and the exact font that's a child technically these 475 years old then why did you draw him like this do you understand how we are pulling this with this government we'd be all better off committing war crimes than this level of copyright infringement why are they making bedroom eyes if we would Pikachu its art why only inhale jewels when you can wear jewel to comes with a free jewel device this is a child's backpack look at me and say what you sad adult backpack you're never walking again what are you now for the advanced jewel smoker we want to introduce our new jewel spinners now you can suspend up to five different tools in midair so the flavor train never ends this this is for babies feel like the flavor training might end gang little kids get the popcorn long and their soft little squishy lungs and their dad feel like that's last stop on the flavor train hog hog what happened to this country they're hard to get also make sure to check out our first branded jewel look sleek black case this is actually this is this is our actual brand guys this is great okay check out our first we're monsters hi welcome to the Los Angeles City Animal Shelter how can I help you I look at a rescue a cat today yes I'm do you have a particular kind in mind no no nothing in particular just gonna give it a good home awesome okay you are following me back here okay yeah you're actually in luck we just had in a bunch of new kittens in a Himalayan look how cute it is so being totally honest they're gonna have a much easier time finding their forever house than some of our other cats the ones really in need of rescuing are the jela calls mr. t guitarists at your service that is a cat yeah sadly there's a lot of Jellico's on the street they're you know singing and dancing and alli is kind of rambling on about nonsense only one cat among us will be chosen to be reborn in the Heaviside lair yes you are and what exactly is a Jellicle cat I have no idea i angelical and i am a cat I am a captain I am chair chemical chemical Jellicle cats I am a cats and you see I'm a cat oh you're okay he's - terrible here's the thing this is my first pet I don't want anything to Jaime okay let's go judge too soon mr. Kotter this is a lot of really great he's up to date many shots he doesn't shed he does magic no oh come on is none whimsical and charming no it's weird and creepy he's got the sexual energy about him is he neutered aggressively now is this your wallet I know how did you do now - economist chair your sons and daughters now we do not see a wallet give me my wallet wallet back come on I am so sorry about that you know I think I should just get a kid I understand I'm used to rejection mr. Taylor TARDIS was a glamour cat but he fell on hard times you know and he was ostracized but the other Gela calls don't know what any of those words mean [Music] flashbacks I can think of the pasties [Music] Iowa super hot in the past I had sex with some cats maybe we'll take him after take him anyway great I will start the paperwork absolutely no I don't think I can do this I'm okay with that hi I'm Mike Trapp from CollegeHumor and I'm Zack done from bottleneck you know even here at College Humor our cushy comedy writing jobs aren't safe from the relentless progress of technology our computers analyzed CollegeHumor sketches to create a predictive text engine which our team of elite writer engineers used to write something better than college humor ever could have well I mean I don't know if it's better please enjoy the first college humor sketch written by Botnick we we do all kinds of like you have different styles of comedy like it's like we just launched drop out it's really interesting interior college humor sketch grant reads a website page about how to get a jar jar body he will pass away underneath the couch exactly one year from today Alley Katie Rekha Raphael and Siobhan are sitting around the table like bad candles on a half piece of seaweed touch my mouth and I swallowed it that's trap enters with pieces of coconut business let's get this meeting started like yesterday these four friends have to steal a calm but just when they're about to use the new phone a stranger has celiac disease just gonna use a tiny computer now a sketch where a shark touches my leg and I just love it so much right now not because it's dumb it would probably read the New York Times okay this one's called when the salad man flirts with people it's about how vegetables are getting super friendly a sketch where I eat the kind of rice that would be totally great right now I need vitamin I rice none of these meaningless ideas are a funny sketch I'm all day just for being a terrible human being that's disgusting okay so all crime is legal but just for the Yankees it's not a good thing help us sketch about falling into the little hole in the breakroom has that hole always been there we see a large hole in the ground it winds there are slices of me floating in the desktop how the hell did that happen this apple cider is a granola bar and it hurts to drink theoretically you should be completely non laundry everything goes blurry on grant takes off his glasses grant takes off his glasses and the office looks like oil paint was that radio always saying my thoughts [Music] this is flooding my thought engine don't you think this cantaloupe is making everybody crazy no great so I can put my mouth on Haiti is clearly uncomfortable with her hand hams are being paranoid they're literally afraid to kill my mom's friends Wow I'm screaming in my body but you can't hear it your big fake arms are stressing me out grant takes off his shirt and starts panicking everyone screams his body is covered in his name you people need to make me a human before I talk like a sprinkler everyone exchanges looks McDonald's is actually good for the whole sketch moves around and everyone screams [Applause] [Music] [Applause] it's obvious color Schumer's time and space are broken look around the desks are not usually the Sasquatch grants clothes are advertisements for my ankles and now everything is relationships goals you're grinding my mind beef I can't make sense of sounds repeat are we computer people I think she's got it we're stuck in a big old computer the world is a smart box and we am inside I sneeze Wow it makes you an ad but [ __ ] off it's so not cool my high school named me least likely to be in a computer I'm just a program designed to make haha a file name laughs man computers vaguely God I guess we're made entirely of invisible garbage and flat this girl's going on Twitter to remember her name a moment of decided silence as she looks at her phone and squint about what happened to us tomorrow damn how much time has taken place since we were trapped in here when we started smelling year I sent you a dumb shirt every day it feels like a tuxedo ago now it's useless there's no way to split we're stuck doomed until son explosion to mind jokes in this humor computer [Music] everybody is really freaking out right now the camera pulls out if you know what I mean interior CollegeHumor office night of the dolls trap sits at a desk in front of a very old computer the office is fairly empty of his co-workers trap looks at the camera aren't I [Music] hey it's Mike traps if you like college humor and want to support us sign up for drop outs for the low price is adding walk to two burritos you'll get videos like this a whole week soon to chat with us live in the drop out discord and get exclusive content like WTF 101 sign up for your free trial today and learn why critics are saying who are you why are you in my house what the hell is drop out get out get out I'm calling the cops

Channel: CollegeHumor

Views: 1,427,491

Rating: 4.9029217 out of 5

Keywords: Collegehumor, CH originals, comedy, sketch comedy, internet, humor, funny, sketch, best of

Id: t-O8hYbieZE

Length: 64min 32sec (3872 seconds)

Published: Sun Dec 22 2019