(upbeat music) (exciting music) (piano music) - It's a nice office, no? You don't expect something
like this to happen here. - Yeah, we're all still pretty shaken up about it. - There are still so
many unanswered questions in this case: who killed Pat? Why? Where is this documentary
going to be distributed? HBO? Netflix? How famous is this gonna make me? Y'know, these are the questions that just fly around in my brain and it's baffling. - Pretty sure Trapp killed Pat. (funky music) - [Interviewer] Did you kill Pat? - Well that's, that's the real question, isn't it? (stammers) The only way we could know for sure is to watch the show. - [Interviewer] What show? This one? The one we're making? - Yeah, that's, (stammers) it's such a mystery, y'know, I can already hear people saying, "Oh, are you watching
Trapped in Darkness?" And then other people say, "No, I've been meaning to." And then the first people say, "It's crazy, you have to watch it!" And then like 6 weeks later they watch it, and they agree it's really good. - Trapp was getting into a lot of trouble right before Pat died. (tense music) The Serial one is especially weird, since it's not something you can watch, but somehow Trapp did. - True crime's enjoying a
lot of popularity right now, and I can't think of a better way to get the public's attention. - [Interviewer] For Pat... - Oh, yeah, of course! Yes, for Pat. Yeah, obviously. Yeah, it was real terrible
what happened to him. I made the 9-1-1 call, okay? And the police didn't do anything. - [Dispatcher] 9-1-1,
what is your emergency? - [Trapp] My friend is, uh, oh god, I think he's dead. - [Dispatcher] Where are you? - [Trapp] Right?! And who did this? And will they get away with it? What's gonna happen? Does this sound like something you would watch? - [Dispatcher] Sir, it is illegal to prank call 9-1-1. I'm hanging up. - This is a miscarriage of justice! People are gonna love it. (dial tone) I'm just looking for justice. How is that a young, talented comedian could just be forgotten? And also the Pat thing. - [Interviewer] So you
were talking about yourself in the first part of that sentence? - Yeah. But then, also Pat. - [Interviewer] Who do
you think killed Pat? - I've only been working
here half a day but Trapp, definitely. - Mike Trapp killed Pat. - Trapp definitely killed Pat, it's obvious! I don't know why we're still pursuing it, you're just stretching this out, that's what she's doing, she's just stretching it out. Don't linger on her! (tense music) - Was I stretching this story out? Clearly all the evidence is pointing to one answer. And yet I don't know, I kind of felt like I
should keep this going. Maybe the story wasn't about Pat or Trapp; instead the story was about me. - No! The story is about Pat and Trapp. - Note to editor: we'll cut after 'me.' Sure, it seemed like Trapp killed Pat. But maybe that was because I was withholding a key piece of
evidence for dramatic effect. Maybe Mike Trapp didn't do it. (tense music) Next week on Trapped in Darkness, I find a clue from out of fucking nowhere that blows this case wide open. No way! - (panting) Please don't write me out of the show! Please! I'm important! - Or was he? (dramatic piano music) (she sneezes) - Bless you. - Thank you. (she sneezes) - Oh, bless you again. - Thank you. (she sneezes) - Okay, enough already. - You heard that? - Oh yeah, these are just cosmetic. They make my head look thinner. (she sneezes) - (he laughs) All right, shut up Cynthia. - We're on a deadline. - I can't help it. (she sneezes) - You're not getting any
more of our blessings. - Allergi-- (she sneezes) - You're a complete distraction! (she sneezes) - Stop it! (she sneezes) - One more, and we get her. (tense music) (she breathes sharply) (knife scrapes on metal) - Pineapple, pineapple, pineapple! (staplers click) It worked! (she sneezes) (tense battle music) (shouts and grunts) (she screams) (scissors whoosh) (she wails, then sneezes) (she chokes) (he roars) (thuds and shouts) (gunfire) (tone dials) (he shouts) (she laughs) (crossbow bolt fires) (she screams) What the fuck?! (elastic stretches) (pencils twang) (she shouts) - Get her guys! (he laughs) - Oh, you think you can just sneeze more than 4 times in an office, in our office? - Friends, I've stopped! I've stopped sneezing! - We'll see about that. (can sprays) (Cynthia shouts) It won't stop her from sneezing, but it will be annoying for her. (they all laugh) - Finish her. (battle music) (thuds) (bell dings as the scissors land) - See ya later. (squeaking) - My eyes, how ironic! - Oh, sorry! (whooshing) Who's there? - I only hear laughter and
sneezes from my office, and I haven't heard any laughter today. - It's involuntary! - 1, 2, sneezes, sure! 3, 4, frowned upon! After that you're just a terrorist. To good will, and productivity. (music swells) (they roar) (beeps) (he sniffs) Is someone microwaving fish? - Oh yeah that was me, sorry guys. - Get him. (battle music) (roars and shouts) (dramatic piano music) - Hey everybody, Sam Reich here. Head of video for CollegeHumor. I don't normally appear
in front of the camera, but given the recent deaths of some of our cast and crew, it felt important to try and find some official way to say goodbye. So, I now present to you an In Memoriam. Please enjoy. If you can. (somber guitar music) ♪ I wanna be the very best ♪ ♪ Like no-one ever was ♪ ♪ To catch them is my real test ♪ ♪ To train them is my cause ♪ ♪ I will travel across the land ♪ ♪ Searching far and wide ♪ ♪ Each Pokémon to understand ♪ ♪ The power that's inside ♪ ♪ Pokémon ♪ ♪ It's you and me ♪ ♪ I know it's my destiny ♪ ♪ Pokémon ♪ ♪ Oh, you're my best friend ♪ ♪ In a world we must defend ♪ ♪ Pokémon ♪ ♪ Our hearts so true ♪ ♪ Our courage will pull us through ♪ ♪ You teach me ♪ ♪ And I'll teach you ♪ ♪ Pokémon ♪ ♪ Gotta catch 'em all ♪ ♪ Gotta catch 'em all ♪ ♪ Gotta catch 'em all ♪ ♪ Gotta catch 'em all ♪ ♪ Gotta catch 'em all ♪ ♪ Gotta catch 'em all ♪ ♪ Gotta catch 'em all ♪ - They will be dearly missed. A Bulbasaur? Guys, a Bulbasaur! Everyone's dead. I remembered it as soon as I said it. (dramatic piano music) - Hey! - Hey, what are you doing here? - Oh, just going for a walk. It's so funny running into you. - I know, I never run into people I know. - Siobhan? - Oh, hey guys! - Siobhan! - You guys hanging? - No, we just ran into each other, and now we ran into you. - Oh, that's crazy. - It's really crazy. - I know, what do we do now? Do we hang out or something? - Yeah, I guess. Cynthia? - Oh, hey! - Hey! - How does this keep happening? - What's going on? - I was just gonna go check
on where I buried Pat's body. - I was just gonna pick
up some cocaine for Katie. - Something's off, right? - Hey! (they cheer) Look at this, isn't this fun? - This is fun, this is wild, y'know? - Something's wrong, this
would never keep happening. - Shane! (they chant Shane's name) - It's like someone is
setting something up! - Zaz it's me, your
freshman year roommate! - And me, your sophomore year roommate! - No, we gotta get outta here! - Hey Zac, it's all your friends! - Wow, it's like people
you specifically know? - This is all wrong. - Zac is that your parents? - Hey! (Zac shouts in protest) (the group cheers) (tense music) - No, this is bad! No no no no! (he wails) (explosion) (slurps) (dramatic piano music) (radio static) (synth music) - This is what you wanted to show us? Shouldn't we be looking for Pat? - We are! Siobhan can help us. - (lisping) How? She's just sitting there! - Siobhan. Do you know where Pat is? - Pat. Pat. - Wait a minute. What year is it? (a modified version of the
Stranger Things theme plays) - What are you talking about you dork? It's 1983, it says so in the intro! - Yeah! - But these D&D figurines
weren't manufactured until 1984! (lights splutter) (synth music) - Are you saying we time traveled? - I don't know what I'm saying, something isn't right. - Who cares? Let's focus on finding Pat! (synth music) - What's going on? (TV static) (man shouting on TV) - He's trying to communicate with us. - Whoa. - Wait, this is a clip
from the movie The Thing which didn't come out on VHS until 1984. - Seriously? - Then maybe it's 1984. - Sure. - No, because All the Right Moves just came out in theaters, which is definitely from 1983. - Seriously man, it's fine, it's the 80's, it's fun. Don't nitpick it, it's close enough, just focus on what's important: finding Pat! (voice over radio) It's Pat! - Wait! This is a TRC-214. This walkie-talkie wasn't
released until 1985! - Seriously?! - What does it mean? - It doesn't mean anything, it's just a really small anachronism! - Or maybe we punched a hole through the space-time continuum. (he gasps) (they groan) No no no, think about it! Would you really be excited to get an Atari for Christmas? - Sure! - No, these came out 6 years ago! That's late 70's! If it were really 1983, you'd want a Commodore 64. - I guess. (plaster cracks) (synth music) (they yell) - And Chief Hopper's car is from 1985. - Thank you, yes, good point! - Oh no, Trapp, he must
have been attacked! - He needs CPR. Give him 30 chest compressions and 2 rescue breaths! - Wait, before 2005, the standard was 15 chest compressions. - Start now. Just start any of them. (dramatic piano music) - So, there's a tower. And it's on its side, like a bridge. And it's underground, and people go through it and when they come out, they're in a furniture store. And there's a salesman, or a doctor-- - Okay, sorry, your
idea is to prank people with a tunnel that always
goes to furniture stores? - They don't know what
kind of store it is. They all think that they're in a hospital. (tweet notification) - Okay great, shut up, sorry. Okay so apparently someone has started an @RogueCHWriter Twitter account, and they're tweeting out inside information about the company. (tense music) (tapping) (tweet notification) Huh. Moments ago, "Grant pitches
another failure of an idea, no-one knows what's happening anymore." - There are couches
everywhere in the store-- - And from 30 minutes ago, "Katie's bringing her lunch to work, she thinks the snacks here are bad. It's a fiasco here." - What is the picture? (sighs) I just like bringing my lunch, and I don't love the snacks, it's not a big deal. (tense music) - Well I would hope that
whoever is doing this would feel comfortable
airing their complaints out in the open, instead of tweeting behind people's backs. I mean, this is pretty sensationalist, and frankly I don't see
that it's helping anything. (tweet notification) Okay, another tweet from just now: "Still really hung up on that Grant idea, a magic tunnel to furniture? CollegeHumor is a sinking ship." - I'm not explaining myself well. - Zac! Is it you? - Yeah, what are you doing? Why is your thumb so busy? (tweet notification) - Okay again, one from right now: "The brass is cracking down, have to lay low for a bit, not sure when I can come back." - Okay Zac, just stop, all right? This isn't news, nobody cares about us. (tweet notification) Okay, another one: "King Shit telling us
what we can and can't tell the public about, bombs are raining down, I'm brave for reporting this." What does King Shit mean? - There are couches everywhere-- - Shut the fuck up, what
does King Shit mean? (tweet notification) - "Climate change is real, this place is stuck in the past." - Zac, why are you tweeting
about climate change? (tweet notification) - "Told to hold any
comment on climate change wow we are officially going backwards." - Okay that's not what I meant. (tweet notification) - "Trapp murdered Pat, this place is a nightmare." - Okay, that's old news! (music stops abruptly) That's old news, everyone! And it was never proven! - Trapp, you seem really nervous. - I probably didn't kill Pat! - Why do you say probably? - I didn't kill Pat, probably, is what I'm saying-- - You gotta get better at answering this. - Stop spreading rumors, rumors about these things! 1 more tweet out of you and you're fired, so how's that treat everyone? (he sighs) Okay, now we can get back to-- (tweet notification) Zac I swear to god if this is-- no, it's another rogue CH writers account? They're going live. - Everything here is crazy. Grant has good ideas
but people don't listen. Furniture is very funny. - Grant! - Let me defend myself! (tweet notification) - "Grant's a moron, this place is burning to the ground." - Zac, get out. (tweet notification) - [Katie] "Bye, losers." (bluesy guitar) (panting) - Hello? Trapp! (tapping) Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. (crickets) (thunder) Ow. (dramatic piano music) - So we're agreed: Trapp definitely killed Pat, and we need to call the police. (murmurs of agreement) - Hey! What you talking about? - Nothing! - Yeah, just boring stuff! (tense music) - Wait a minute. How tall is Grant? (playful music) - [Grant] What do you mean? - How tall are you? I feel like if I look at you like this, I can tell that you're clearly taller than everyone else. But, sometimes I feel like you and Katie are the same height. - You mean how in our videos, sometimes they have to frame
the camera angle around me? - No, I mean like in real life, like right now, Katie even looks a little bigger than you. - He looks pretty tall to me. - Wait, is Katie taller than Zac? - I don't know, let's see. Nope. - Well now, hold on that
doesn't make any sense. - Why not? - Because! Katie was taller than you, but then you are taller than Zac, and now Zac is taller than Katie? And now it looks like you're taller than everyone else! - I am taller than everyone. - I know that, I know that objectively, I'm just saying that sometimes, it looks like you're not. Like, you're way down here now. - Maybe it's like a perspective thing? It's like the angle at
which you're standing. - Maybe? Can we try this, can everyone just move apart from each other? (violin music) Katie, go move next to Grant. (she sighs) Now Zac. Come on, what the hell?! - Does this really matter? I mean, who cares how tall Grant is? - (high-pitched) Yeah! - Oh, I'm losing my mind. - Oh you know what I've been crouching, let me just stand up. - Oh okay. Oh. - Oh yeah. I'm also crouching. - All right. - Oh, me too. (playful music) - No no no no, stop, stop stop! What is this? No! Now it's just legs! It's just crazy spider legs! None of this makes any sense! - Of course it makes sense, you're looking at it! Grant. - How?! - I don't know. Zac. - Son of a bitch! - Okay Trapp, you're a
little too worked up, we're gonna put you away for the day. - What?! (creaking) (he yells) (battle music) - You know, I just don't
know what got into him. - I don't know. (Western guitar) - It's called The Star-Spangled Banner, not Oh Say Can You See. - Really-- - Where's Trapp? - What? - Oh my god, Pat, we
thought you were dead! - Where's Trapp? - At the office. - Yeah man, it's the
middle of the workday, where else would he be? - The office. (faster Western music) (whooshes) Wait so why are you guys here, then? - It's $3 margaritas! - I don't have any fingers! (they gurgle) (dramatic piano music) - He is the first
President in modern history to have zero political
or military experience, and he has no interest in
helping the disenfranchised. - Raph, how do you feel about this? You must be more concerned than all of us. - Yeah, that's a really good question. - Well I mean, obviously
I have cause for concern. But my parents saw a lot worse, so I still have hope. - That is such a positive outlook, but all I feel is outrage, you know? How can we expect to progress as a nation if this is how we're treating our poor! (they scoff) - Right... But, I mean. I'm not poor. (they agree patronizingly) - Oh my god, that was so rude! - It's okay. - We know we're all rich in our own way. (they agree) - Rich in love. - Rich in blood. - Nope. - Rich in stamps. - Nope, see, I'm not poor. Just because I'm black,
doesn't mean I'm poor. (they agree patronizingly) - I don't even see race! - I'm not racist! - Seriously, if anyone's poor, it's me. - Exactly. Same, same, y'know, we're not here to judge. (they agree) - Uh, pizza's here. - [Katie] So hungry! - How do you guys wanna pay for this? - Split it 4 ways? - Yeah, totally. - No, there's 5 of us so 5 ways. - We know you'd pay if
you could, Raph, no need. - Seriously dude. Save that, get a phone
card, call home, whatever. - We work the same job! I can't talk to you guys anymore. Hey, Trapp! - Oh, I'm sorry I only have a dollar, I hope that's okay. God bless. - What is wrong with all of you?! I'm black, not poor. I have a 401k! - Jeez, how slow is that internet? - They only have dial-up? - Is it just like how
your neighborhood works? - I live a block away from you. - It's crazy to think how
different things can be just a block away. I think we find that gentrification is a bigger problem than any of us ever realized. - Tell me more. - Gentrification now is
where affluent people are coming in and they're
pushing these poorer people out of the neighborhood, (piano music) just because they think it's kind of cool taking from these people, these families. (the chatter echoes) - Cheer up, friend. Things are gonna turn around. - I'm not poor! - We can all see your toes sticking out of your shoes, dude. - These are sandals! Act like you've never seen sandals before! How did you even get in here? - Found this keycard. - Hey! We don't have to look at that. - Forget this man, I'm going home! (they aww) This hobo bindle is a very expensive item at Urban Outfitters! - Hey man, can you lend
me a hundred bucks? - I'm queer, not rich. (dramatic music) - Thought I was dead, didn't ya? Mike Trapp sure thought I was. And now I'm heading right for him. In a matter of minutes, I will be-- oh come on, really? Really? This traffic is just,
it's not even rush hour, I have a thing to do, and I want it-- it'd be so-- (horn honks) Go! (dramatic piano music) - So. How much will it cost for you to spill all of CollegeHumor's secrets? - Give me a number and then we'll talk. - I like your style. (she laughs) - You must not want these secrets. - Then make me an offer. (he laughs) You're dreaming. (the pen scribbles) Maybe we should just
say the number out loud. - No. This is procedure, this is how it's always done. Do you wanna use my pen? - I like this pen. (pen rattles) Now we're cooking with gas. Maybe this will tickle your fancy? (she laughs) - You, sir, insult me. Do you have another piece of paper? It's just that this is
getting kinda crowded. - Oh, yeah, sure. - I'll look too. You have anything? - No it's all cash. - It's all cash? - I feel like we should
just say this out loud. - No, no, we're gonna
figure this out, okay? Aha! Okay, see? This is more my style. - Wow. That's certainly tempting. But I can't read this. You can't use a fountain
pen on receipt paper, it smudges! - Damn. - This is all I can do. - Yes. 100%, for sure, we've got a deal. - Wait, let me see. Oh, I see. No, you read it upside down. It's supposed to be this. - What?! Why would you put all
those 0's in the front? - Can we just talk? - This whole place could be bugged! - All this incessant writing down! - I have never seen anybody
say the number out loud when they're making these kind of deals. - Fine. - It is simply not done! And that is the kind of standard we are going to uphold, here today! - Fine! My final offer. (neck cracks) I have a crick in my neck! - Okay, you should be exercising more. - Don't tell me what to do! - All I'm saying is, this
table didn't get any bigger. - Okay, enough! I want secrets and I want them now. I am willing to offer this
entire case full of cash, more than any other offer
I've put on the table today. So, what do you say? Wait, no that's expensive! I bought that at Sharper Image. - My final offer. - Fine, yes, I'll take it I'll take it! - Excellent. - Now, give me those secrets. - Pat Cassels... Used to work here. - What? I know, Trapp killed him. - What?! Oh my god, nobody tells me anything! (Western guitar) - Looking for Trapp? - Yeah. - Then you might want this. It's one of the finest
weapons ever created. A sword with a revolver
attached to the end with some rubber bands. It's sharp enough to cut through a tank. And it has, like, infinity bullets. The bullets are shotgun shells. Except for some that are grenades. You can also take it on a plane. - Cool. (dramatic piano music) - What's going on? - I've asked you all to meet me here because somebody in this room got me sick! (he coughs) (they scream) Yes, one of you. - (he scoffs) One of us? Why, that's preposterous! You may not be sick at all! Perhaps you're simply
tired, or dehydrated! - Yes, hydration, it's terribly important. I read an article about it you know. - No, the fact is that I am sick. All the other warning signs are there: swollen lymph nodes, headaches, scratchy throat. The only people I've been
around lately are you. - Well, pish posh, why! Maybe it was an accident! Or maybe there's just
something going around. - These things don't just go around, no! Someone got me sick. Justice will be done. You, Brennan. You seem quite keen to
dismiss this whole thing. Very curious for a man who has spent hours breathing in my face on set. - (he stammers) How dare you sir! I have never been sick a day in my life, besides we all know who got you sick, it was Grant! (they gasp) - Me sir? - Yes you sir! Why we all saw you hacking
and wheezing away yesterday. - You misunderstand. They were my allergies. - Your allergies, and what
exactly are you allergic to? - Why everything. My constitution is as weak as my arms. - Oh please, they surely
can't be that weak! - Oh but they are. On account of my old age. - This is a most convincing story. I can see with my own eyes how old and frail this man is. - Well I refuse to believe
that it's one of us, I mean perhaps it was your wife, Trapp, or maybe one of those dirty old bus poles. (thunder) (screams) - [Trapp] Nobody move, nobody move! (Brennan coughs) - My god. - Someone got Brennan sick! - It was Jessica. - Grant, no! - I shan't be silent any longer. Jessica was tweeting
yesterday about vomiting. You were ill. - Jessica, is this true?
- No! - Was it you?
- No! - Did you get us sick?
- No! - Did you get me sick?
- No, no, no! (she talks over him) I vomited because of a
very intense workout, and then I vomited again
because I was excited, and then I vomited a third time because I saw the first pile of vomit! I vomit literally all the time. - You probably weren't
drinking enough water. - Water doesn't fix everything! - Well I don't know, if you'd read this article that I'd read, you might be quite convinced! - Well here's the thing Siobhan, we're not going to read
that article anyway. You all seem to be forgetting
there's a monster here. A monster in our midst, a monster named Raph! (thunder and gasps) - Who, me? Why I didn't even come
into the office yesterday! - No you weren't in the
office were you Raph? And why was that? - I took a personal day,
can't I take a personal day? - You can take a personal day Raph, but I have seen the personnel calendar and I know for a fact you took a sick day! (they gasp) - No!
- Yes! It's right here, plain as paper. Now why would you lie about that? Why would you try to hide it? I'll tell you why, it's
because you're guilty! You got me sick, you got
Brennan sick, blammo! Blammo I say to you, case closed! - Okay! I took a sick day! - Raph, no! - But I wasn't actually sick, I was hungover. (thunder) - On Wednesday. - Don't judge me. - Well I hope you drank plenty of fluids. - God damn it Siobhan, if you bring up this
water theory one more time I'm going to lose it! - Here's the sticky wicket of it all, if it wasn't Raphael then
who in the blazes was it? - Who indeed, this is a most twisted case. Not Brennan, who got
sick in this very room, not Raph or Grant or Jessica whose ailments were not contagious, which can only mean... (tense music) - Hello. - Slap my tit, it's Siobhan! (gasps) - No! - Thank you Colonel, wow, what would I do without you? - But it can't be me. I've been drinking simply
bucket-loads of w-- (she sneezes) - My god Siobhan. There is no crime so low
as getting another sick, no victim more undeserving than I. - Didn't you kill Pat? - Allegedly. (they talk over each other) Rumors, rumors rumors rumors. In the eyes of the court, in the eyes of America, I definitely did not kill Pat. (they talk over each other) (dramatic piano music) - Congratulations
everyone on your first day here at Chompsky's! Let's get things started with
a round of introductions, my name is Bamantha and I'm the Chompsky's hiring manager. - I'm Pat, I'm gonna be
head of customer service. - Okay, next! - Hi. I'm Johnny Leatherbaby. (rattlesnake noise) Head of public relations. - Oh my god, that's so nice! Okay, next! - Sorry, Bamantha? This is probably totally inappropriate, but Johnny just looked so familiar: he's the guy that started the
'Deport the Browns' website that everyone thought was about deporting the Cleveland Browns but was actually about
deporting brown people. (tense string music) - Oh my god. How did you figure that out, are you some kind of tech mastermind? (playful music) - What, no, I just Googled it. Did you not do a background check before you hired him? - Oh, we did but no
criminal record came up, so we thought (she blows a raspberry) - Well maybe technically
nothing was flagged, but I do think somebody's prejudices should absolutely be taken into account during the hiring process. Especially in a forward
facing position like PR. - Oh, yes, you are so right. Next time we hire someone, we are getting your tech expertise. - I just Googled it. - Johnny, I am so sorry but I'm gonna have to ask you to go down to HR for a little chat. - Y'know, I'm just pushing boundaries, and it's just (he stammers) is there no safe space to try stuff out? Like people don't even
know what jokes are, I'm joking, do you know what a joke is? - Okay, now let's keep it
rolling with these introductions! Who's next? (dramatic music)
- I am Smurp. I come from the land of Shadows and Evil. - Oh my cousin went to college there! - I'm here at Chompsky's to be the new social media manager. (thunder and menacing laughter) - Oh, I love that, we
need one of those, yes. - Bamantha, I'm looking at Smurp's Twitter and he actually led the
Translucent Souls Matter march in South Carolina last year. - Oh my god. - Yeah. (playful music) - How are you digging this stuff up?! You are technological wunderkind! Are you with the CIA? - No, I just Googled it. - I mean seriously, we knew that Smurp didn't list the proper years he lived
at his previous address. - My bad. - That was your bad, Smurp, that's one of the worst things anyone we've ever hired has done here! But you! What are your tech secrets,
can you reveal them? - I Googled him, and
then his Twitter came up, and then I read the
first three tweets I saw. - Wow, I only read the pinned tweet. - Really? He's gonna be the new
social media manager. - Smurp, I'm so sorry, we're gonna have to let you go. - This is a disgrace. (ominous tones) But at least I have a very
generous severance package. (he inhales sharply) - You see that? I fired him. - (stammers) Yeah,
that's the bare minimum. - And I love that, that's
actually incredible. So now, I know we have 1 more new hire. Introduce yourself! - I'm Martin, and I'm the new
spokesperson for Chompsky's. - Bet we're gonna be seeing a lot of you! - Okay, that's fucking Martin Shkreli! - Yeah, I am. - That's the guy that raised the price of AIDS medication by 5000%! - I did! - Oh my god, Pat! (starts chanting Pat's name) You are a technological marvel! We've gotta get you on the JFK case! We've gotta get you on the Zodiac case! The way your mind works, the technology you know how to use-- - That's Martin Shkreli, everyone knows who Martin Shkreli is! I didn't even have to look him up! Besides, he's drinking out of a mug that has his name on it, and his crime! He admitted to it, did you even look into these people for 1 second before you hired them? - Pat, we don't really have the detectivery skills that you have-- - I just Googled it. - I don't have access
to all the technology that you have-- (they talk over each other) - I just Googled it! - Well! I guess we're at a standstill. Because we don't have as
advanced of technology as Pat here does. I am so sorry to say Martin, we're gonna need to show
you to the HR office. (he groans) I know, I'm sorry, I'm
sorry, company policy, the line's gonna be extra long today too. (he groans again) - [Bamantha] Come on. - No, get off me! (tense string music) I guess it's a good thing she didn't Google me. (menacing laughter)
