The Best Of Ron Swanson (Parks and Recreation)

ready I was born ready I'm Ron Swanson my name is Ron Swanson I'm gonna tell you everything you need to know about the miserable screwed-up world of local government you muster in your mustache don't sass me burkas let's get started life liberty and property it's john locke under my tutelage you will grow from boys into men from men into gladiators and from gladiators into Swanson's behold the Swanson pyramid of greatness I've been developing the Swanson pyramid of greatness for years it's a perfectly calibrated recipe for maximum personal achievement categories include capitalism God's Way of determining who is smart and who is poor crying acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon rage poise property rights fish for sport only not for meat fish meat is practically a vegetable air cuts there are three acceptable haircuts high and tight crew cut buzz cut are the scissors broken in your house son hi there is there a project you're working on I know more than you all right when it comes to government hearings the only type of witness I enjoy being is a hostile one that's why I intend to answer every one of their questions with the question were you aware that all of the entertainment and food was provided by rec center teachers would I have stayed if I knew that I don't know what you have what do you have yeah I wouldn't have did you hear Lesley make any promises what constitutes a promise a quid pro quo oh do you know Latin okay thank you Ron are we done every year I give Leslie the same present I give everyone a crisp $20 bill and every year she gets me something thoughtful and personal it makes me furious this year she outdid herself she had it installed over the weekend so so beautiful the human resources department requires that I be available once a month to discuss workplace disputes with my employees the rules did not specify whether or not I'm allowed to listen to Willie Nelson on my headphones and Kyle parked his car in my spot again now that is the fourth time this month hello wal sorry how'd things go for you less I know about other people's affairs the happier I am I'm not interested in caring about people I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name best friend I ever had we still never talk sometimes are you Ron Swanson I am okay what exactly did you teach my daughter oh you must be mrs. Berkus Lauren was supposed to do a paper on why government matters this is what she wrote it doesn't well SID April yeah get my lunch for me please okay like order you something no get it from there this is some kind of weird power trip please thank you that'll be all you're welcome I have a hernia I've had it for a while and I've been ignoring it successfully but this morning I made the mistake of sneezing but as long as I sit still and don't move my head or torso I'm good I got this say my club is better on say it my club is better Sam come on safe there say it say it's better say my club is better say it give it a who's called is better mine say you know it it on principle I never say anything that another person is obviously trying to get me to say my first wedding ceremony took two hours because after the priest said repeat after me I felt silent I want to be your assistant really you hate it here so do you I'll make sure you don't have to go to any meetings if anyone comes to see you I'll scare them away wait April if you had to choose between these two ties you're hired I have a joke for you okay the government in this town is excellent and uses your tax dollars efficiently hmm that's not really a joke I disagree I find it hilarious Ron Ron last name dud is that your name or are you telling me you're finished talking booth done and done I like Ron crazy right stories awesome indeed thank you for sharing Jenny Ann was getting a little chummy when people get too chummy with me I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don't really care about them that's a genius move thank you you're welcome Lester you're more Pawnee than anyone I know so I say tell them the truth and trust that they're gonna respect you for it damn it he's right well son thanks Ron you're welcome Steve working late yep I have some very important news about our favorite mini horse lil Sebastian yes he died last night oh but we can take comfort in the fact that he isn't having now doing the two things he loves doing the most eating carrots and urinating freely when I walked in this morning and saw the flag was at half-mast I thought alright another bureaucrat ate it but then I found out it was a little Sebastian half-mast is too high show some damn respect okay all the permits cleared for the horse funeral what was that tone what oh nothing I have cried twice in my life once when I was seven and I was hit by a school bus and then again when I heard that little Sebastian had passed see how it works what about my office and its many walls that becomes a new public waiting room you're gonna be more accessible than ever excuse me there's a sign at ramsett park that says do not drink the sprinkler water so I made Sun tea with it and now I have an infection sir sir are are you are you are you listening to me sir sir I'm talking to you sir sir are you aware that there is waste in your water system okay Eagleton Ron tell me a little about yourself well I love the outdoors love nature a man I'm a big believer in environmental conservation recycling and composting and alike I'm a yoga net and I'm nut nut they make delicious milk man and I'm a vegan of course slowly working towards full freaking the vegan when God's name is friggin vegan you only vegetables that have been thrown out in people's dumpsters what is on your foot sir my trusty sandals the man's feet should remain uncaged same goes for all chickens well uh Eagleton Ron we here in Pawnee value loyalty above all else so would you be opposed to signing an official loyalty pledge to our new town as long as that new town we're open to the ideals of communal living everyone pitches in towards a common good and the immortal words of Cat Stevens we want to be free be free I no longer like Ron if any of you need anything at all too bad deal with your problems yourselves like adults I would prefer that she asked me for my permission so I can say no I like saying no it lowers their enthusiasm hey Ron you're not gonna slow to that pig here are you not to worry I have a permit this just says I can do what I want I am the director of the parks department and this is a park for the last three years I have served as troop leader of the Pawnee Rangers this is our handbook I wrote the whole thing myself I am only here because I owe Leslie a thousand favors I'm not big on charities give a man a fish and you feed him for a day don't teach a man to fish and you feed yourself he's a grown man fishings not that hard thank you all for being here let's get started Wow great attitude Ron sorry I was talking to these ribs just give me all the bacon and eggs you have wait wait I worry what you just heard was give me a lot of bacon and eggs what I said was give me all the bacon and eggs you have do you understand this is taking a lot longer than I thought it would can you guys run up ahead and set up the picnic sure ah where they going with the food I'm starving I only had one breakfast okay relax look what was going on back there while the sniping not exactly sure the only one I know is Michael and we're not exactly best friends I'm hungry okay well don't be such a baby I cooked you some bacon for a trail snack I ate it already what I could smell it in your purse before I even parked my car and now it's gone and I hate everything and I'll have the number eight that's a party platter that serves 12 people I know what I'm about son [Music] yeah can you get me out of it yes normally if given a choice between doing something and nothing I'd choose to do nothing but I will do something if it helps someone else do nothing at work all night if it meant nothing got done truthfully I barely registered his attack he's incredibly frail and his arms are weak when I punched him he dropped so quickly I thought he was diving towards the ground I regret nothing the end Hey okay how are you feeling feeling are you dizzy dizzy or you like headed when I look at my palm I see a lady's mouth french kissing a dog is that Norman oh well the pain medication I gave you is pretty strong Donny uses it for menstrual cramps how many did you take so he better wash them down with plenty of fluids no Ron you cannot drink scotch with this you're gonna need to purge right now hey oh yeah yes yes one of yours yes sir can you open smell Leslie what open his mouth no open his mouth okay I'm not making myself through oh right Ron you have to do this it's wrong good I only are you wrong your mouth listen grab your mouth [Applause] well good news is Ron is resting comfortably you know all those leave the Super Bowls in a couple months I usually watch it with my brothers maybe you could come by at halftime and shoot me in the head Ron I'm really sorry that I ruined your weekend well perhaps next time I'm enjoying some alone time in the men's restroom you could invite yourself into my stall and shoot me in the head look if there's anything I can do to make it everything how about you shoot me in the head oh wait you already did that Ron would you like some salad since I am NOT a rabbit no I do not try it sounds good for you you got it mmm delicious ah nirvana hey guys amber Annie no Johnny no I don't plan to buy anything here i buy my burger and agree dance at food and stuff a discount food outlet equidistant from my home in my work I came here for the same reason people go to the zoo Shh look at that bag nature is amazing hey what do you ring I was in charge of the cake to be fair it's not a cake so much as it is a vegetable loaf you got your mushrooms your of Alpha sprouts your spinach and I had it sweetened with fruit reduction but did they ask you to bring a vegetable loaf or a cake no a cake it's so much healthier so not only does this thing exist but now you have deprived everyone of cake you can lock me yep hey call me let me know where you are if you haha run what in the devil's name is this portobello mushrooms where's the steak well there's no steak that's a healthier option it's organically grown raw okay whoa okay can you get us a cold compress or something I am starving I haven't had lunch since yesterday so I'm gonna head over to callaghan's oh no no no don't go there they totally skimp on pickles let me go to bighead joes for you they have the most insane burritos I don't much go for ethnic food Oh trust me they have one that's called the meat tornado literally kill the guy last year you had me at meat tornado would you like to sample our vegan bacon 100% meatless yes please another please sir is there a problem I'm just making sure no one ever has to eat this I I don't think I can give you any more I want one and I will spend the day getting to know London's history history began on July 4th 1776 everything before that was a mistake Dyanne suggested we tag along to London for a honeymoon I agreed because my love for her Trump's my hatred for Europe then she hit a phase of morning sickness that knocked her for a loop and decided to stay home but she insisted I go and take pictures for her all of this could have been avoided if we'd followed my plan for a honeymoon a steak dinner a glass of Lagavulin whiskey than vigorous lovemaking for two hours and we're both asleep by 8:30 speaking of bad reviews computers are mostly pointless but that Yelp thing gave me a great idea on how to criticize people in places I am composing strongly worded letters about things I disapprove of and I am using the Internet to get addresses where I can send them so far I've written to a vegetable farm several European ambassadors a manufacturer of male Cologne and a nonfat frozen yogurt bar dear frozen yogurt you are the celery of desserts be ice cream or be nothing zero stars Tom and April were excellent witnesses in my defense unfortunately every single word out of their mouths was a lie there's only one thing I hate more than lying skim milk which is water that's lying about being milk don't worry I have tons more ideas okay so sorry new ringtone phishing relaxes me it's like yoga except I still get to kill something can I help you yeah I own lettuce eat the vegan restaurant on Lowell Drive and I wanted to know why you nailed this letter to my door veganism is the sad result of a morally corrupt mind reconsider your life because I believe it good-day carnivores you're all the same Notting Hill bus tour starts at 2:00 and the Love Actually bus tour starts at 2:30 and oh the Bridget Jones bus tour starts at 2:30 also we do Ron your pick look a clock we don't have that in America you call that a tower try the Sears Tower friend London at night that is very funny can happy sad yes I will take this we don't accept American currency sir of course you do that's the most wonderful piece of paper in the world accept it baby so he said fine enjoy the fact that your royal overlords are a frail old woman and a tiny baby you survived huh indeed I did how were they really could've been better we had a wonderful time oh well that's good coz my sitter is still out of town so I really hate to ask you this but is there any way that you could take him again tomorrow no of course I'd be delighted you're a lifesaver thank you girls want to spend another day with Ron hey I don't suppose you'd want to move to Canada you know that no I don't suppose I would how much postage does it take to send a letter to Canada who's it going to Canada it says dear Canada you shouldn't you be taking her to lie down somewhere no no if she ever found out that we took her off camera we'd all be fired so just keep taking phone calls you're doing great three two hello again I'm Ron Swanson and I am still taking your calls hopefully about tonight's gala you're on the air hi what's wrong with Joan she has a bad hangover which she is pretending as allergies is she gonna be okay wouldn't know never been hungover after I've had too much whiskey I cook myself a large flank steak pan-fried and salted butter I eat that put on a pair of wet socks and go to sleep that works it does please call now if you have questions about tonight's gala or one of my other interests woodworking novels about tall ships meet that sort of thing Ron you've been sweating in here all day are you drinking any fluids yes plenty no you need to drink water usually I take it neat but I will make an exception in the name of health last Lana watched a movie with Diane and the girls in which an orange fish is separated from his father the children were sniffling which I believed to be due to the sad nature of the film I was wrong you need to take off those layers rehydrate and go to the doctor thank you for your concern I will be fine please turn the thermostat up to 90 and leave me alone Ron this isn't safe I'm a grown man I have had a cold before I need no help so if you don't mind that seems about right I'd like to object again to being brought here against my will okay I'm just gonna double-check your form here Ron you redacted all the information answered some of them for date of birth you wrote springtime which is true everything you write down is confidential we need you to give real answers fine how many drinks of alcohol do you consume a week one that's it one drink one shelf do you exercise yes lovemaking and woodworking do you have any history of mental illness in your family I have an uncle who does yoga allergies cowardice and weak-willed men and hazelnuts sexual history epic and private okay before you begin a few ground rules I need you to explain everything you do before you do it so I can determine whether I will allow you ah la balsa wood you could at least use mahogany there's something occluding your ear it's sawdust just blow you got strep throat running your prescription for penicillin we'll have the rest of your test results in about 20 minutes cholesterol I'm interested good day my first ex-wife's name is Tammy my second ex-wife's name is Tammy my mom's name is Tamara she goes by Tammy I have to go talk to her and you got to give me something I can use does she have any weaknesses no what do you mean no everybody has a weakness not machines I honestly believe that she was programmed by someone from the future to come back and destroy all happiness I see just I knew that you had two ex-wives named Tammy so I was hoping that there's one that you got along with no I hate them both on my deathbed my final wish is to have my ex-wives rushed to my side so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to hell one last time would I get married again oh absolutely if you don't believe in love what's the point of living it's really good to see you Ron you've aged horribly you son-of-a-bitch and didn't oh my god what is your problem nothing's changed has it we set the bed on fire yes I did okay that what you want to eat we're fine we're fine please really I'm taking it when you're metal in someone's personal life it's just so rewarding congratulate us Braun's got one just like it on his penis oh yeah what the hell happened to you well you may now kiss the bride [Applause] it's been kind of a crazy night you can you turn the radio off this is our song song is dancing on the ceiling by Lionel Richie oh well look at that you shaped off part of your mustache that's lovely and you can shave it off it rubbed off from friction ah oh my god Ron tell me the truth are you giving her the lot not giving we have discussed a trade for what Morgan excuse me more sex hello Ron it's Ron if you're watching this it means that once again you have danced with the devil right now you're probably thinking Tammy's changed we'll be happy together but you're only thinking that because she's a monstrous parasite who entered through your privates and launched herself in your brain so you have two choices one get rid of Tammy or two lobotomy and castration choose wisely stupid this is a waste of time you people have no idea what you're talking about that was you on the tape that was you talking she's in your head you said that she was a manipulative monster and you were right no no Tammy's changed look me in the eye and tell me that she's changed look me in the eye I'm so screwed no her hooks are in my brain yep she has all the power and I have nothing I'm so little Ron in 60 seconds Tom I haven't seen you tonight I've been working on my presentation I just came by to congratulate Leslie and then I'm heading back I admire the work ethic I'm always looking for new investments ever since I got my first job at the age of nine I have put all my money into gold which is currently at an all-time high I have a certain amount of money I've said too much okay well I am on operation no more fence so I'm putting you in charge of operation Ron's party : shocking aw I'm all over it I just need you to do what's on that list Leslie has a lot of qualities I find horrifying but the worst one by far is how thoughtful she can be I'm only gonna ask you this once what is going on with my birthday oh my god Ron it's your birthday happy birthday shut your damn mouth it's a fun conversation just tell me what Leslie is planning honestly I don't know I haven't heard anything why don't you tell me what she did for your last birthday oh well that was intense she totally surprised me she kidnapped me from work and then she took me to that place in your Vegas you know where the mariachi band comes out they put a big sombrero on you and then everybody sings happy birthday damn and then we went back to my house and she invited basically everyone I knew and she had this great guy doing face painting and I had my face painted like a fairy tiger hmm also she did it like a week before my birthday which is genius cuz I had no idea it was coming and then there was a bouncy castle did you know they made those for adults mm-hmm so while they repaint the lines in the parking lot we're asking everyone to do street parking I'm not street parking my Mercedes well everyone is I'm doing it cuz nobody wants to steal a Saturn all right moving on to recycling ah you okay run just a little tooth pain I'm fine continue okay each department will be getting blue bins ah do you need to go to the dentist run I don't like dentists just a second Hey oh no oh my god I'm sorry everybody what were we talking about recycling dentist pulled the tooth out yesterday but it's always a good idea to demonstrate to your co-workers that you are capable of withstanding a tremendous amount of pain this is Ron go ahead call her hi my Yorkshire Terrier has chewed up the legs on my kitchen table is there a cheap way to repair that great question take a wall nut and rub it into the legs of your table that'll mask the scratches next thing you want to do is ditch the Terrier and get yourself a proper dog any dog under fifty pounds is a cat and cats are pointless come to the gala next caller grapes of wrath' chocolate chip ice cream and Johnny Cash don't trust big banks or small banks banks or Ponzi schemes run by morons your house isn't haunted you're lonely whatever happened to hey I have some apples would you like to buy them yes thank you that's as complicated as it should be to open a business in this country I've seen three movies in my life Bridge on the River Kwai Patton and Herbie fully loaded my girlfriend's kids love it it's pretty funny next caller good morning I've had the same will since I was eight years old upon my death all of my belongings shall transfer to the man or animal who has killed me where are these weird symbols the man who kills me will know ah run can you make the opening remarks I just I'm not in the mood neither am i ever what's wrong with you you live for this kind of stuff I don't have it in me right now Ron please do it for me make the speech Ron please please give the speech room oh yes please Ron please please give a speech please give the speech yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes please please please please please please please please yes yes all right Damon woman okay everyone shut up and look at me welcome to visions of nature this room has several paintings in it some are big some are small people did them and they are here now I believe that after this is over they'll be hung in government buildings why the government is involved in an art show is beyond me I also think it's pointless for a human to paint scenes of nature when they could just go outside and stand in it anyway please do not misinterpret the fact that I am talking right now as genuine interest in art and attempt to discuss it with me further end of speech someone needs to be alert tonight this snakejuice is basically rat poison everybody's wasted wrong bring in the only veg the mama know what buddy smell trophy yes you were

Channel: witchorking

Views: 24,127,470

Rating: 4.8930182 out of 5

Keywords: Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation

Id: Tch4v0L0GHA

Length: 32min 15sec (1935 seconds)

Published: Wed Feb 22 2017

Reddit Comments

[u/nietzkore]

Lead up scene about Li'l Sebastian starts at 6:52. Flagpole is shown at 7:27.

Also worth watching the whole 30 minutes just because Nick Offerman is hilarious.