Ted Cruz Trolls the Army, Trump Scams Taxpayers & Marjorie Taylor Greene’s Horrid Holocaust Comment

hi i'm jimmy i'm the host of the show thank you for watching thank you for braving the norovirus to be here you know at the end of the week last week we had a whole bunch of people on our show got sick violently ill suddenly like 40 people went home and started throwing up did you get sick guillermo no i didn't get sick did you guys get sick in the band no no none of you jimmy i heard you got really sick yeah but you didn't raise your hand interesting too too weak or you just didn't want to be seen as the um yeah the lame one in the group all right well yeah you know i a lot of people got sick it's weird when you're reminded that there are other contagious viruses out there it's like oh yeah herpes still hanging in i guess i assume they'd go away out of like courtesy or something but be warned at any point during the show tonight any one of us could blow it could be hey remember that um the youtube video with the two cute british kids charlie bit my finger it was one of the first viral videos it came out in 2007. it right this thing racked up like almost a billion views but now it's off youtube and in the hands of a private collector because yesterday charlie's parents auctioned it off as an nft a non-fungible token and it sold for 761 thousand dollars for a 55-second video that anyone could see on the uh which i don't know if you paid three-quarters of a million dollars for a video of a kid biting another kid are you an entrepreneur or just a weirdo i mean seems like this should get you on some kind of a watch list or something anyway the moral to the story is record every dumb thing your child says because one day it might buy a house in florida um that's always an attention grabber isn't it uh in florida the school year is winding down and that means it's time for the yearbooks to come out and at uh bartram trail high school which is not too far from jacksonville 80 students all female were surprised to find their photos in the yearbook altered someone now this is an original photo somebody took it upon herself to alter it to cover up the shoulders and necklines on the kids here's another one this is the original shield your eyes and then here it is fixed they did this 80 times to 80 kids here's another one they cleaned it up it's like they put the taliban in charge of the yearbook committee imagine some lunatic spending all that time photoshopping high school girls boobs out of the book and how did the school sanitize the male students well let's take a look not at all no they didn't miss it that's from the same yearbook boys and speedos remain untouched wow you'd think educators in the state that gave us hooters would know better than this wouldn't you i guess not anyway it's still not it's nice to know there are still heroes out there protecting our kids from all this sinful v-neckery meanwhile we got some encouraging news covet-wise cases of the coronavirus in the united states are down to their lowest levels in almost a year so now we can do whatever we want to do we can travel we can go outside and be swarmed by cicadas it's if it keeps getting better at this rate they say by july 1st of this year we'll need a new excuse to not want to see people now that things are getting back to normal-ish supermarkets have apparently been left with the glut of sanitizer on their hands there's a big surplus of hand sanitizer and so they're trying to get rid of it a store in rhode island is offering a ten dollar gift card if you buy ten dollars worth of hands-on dodgers they're basically giving it away remember how hard it was to get it was like gold i actually bought the ingredients to make it at home i did and then i was reading that i was like oh forget it this is too complicated i have 80 gallons of aloe vera and isopropyl alcohol in my garage right now the demand for the handset hydra was so huge a lot of vodka producers switched their factories over to making the hand sanitizer which turned out to be a bad move we didn't need more hand sanitizer but we definitely needed more vodka and you know as we learn more about this virus scientists are learning how to protect us from it researchers in london have found that dogs can be trained to smell coveted infections in people with a success rate of more than 90 percent cats can detect it too but they won't let you know until you're a ventilator because they're dicks but dogs can smell it the dogs really are something else dogs can detect all kinds of things cancer malaria even epilepsy someday we'll go into an urgent care it'll be like the dog will see you now senator ted cruz had an eventful weekend thanks to something dumb he tweeted about the army there was a tick tock that compared did a side by side comparison comparing a commercial for the russian army to an american recruitment commercial in the american version they tell the story of a female soldier who was raised by two moms and joined the russian one was like you know drago and rocky iv it was what you imagine a russian army commercial might be so ted cruz seeing an easy opportunity posted this on tick tock or twitter or whatever holy crap perhaps awoke emasculated military is not the best idea ted cruz who four years ago took permanent residence up the ass of a man who beat him in every election by calling his wife ugly and slandering his elderly father says this is emasculated primarily because ted cruz is not human he is a moist gelatinous tube worm whose elastic band pants are filled with an inky discharge every time he speaks maybe this would be more ted speed this would be army be all you can be right tell you something for a guy named ted he gives the worst talks kentucky senator rand paul is also in the running for worst person of the weekend rand paul pictured here says he has no plans to get vaccinated he's just going to keep gelling his hair with purell he believes that protects him what he actually said was he said something to the effect of i won't get the vaccine but i may reconsider which is just the kind of decisive leadership we need right now the good news is everyone in rand paul's life stays at least six feet away from him anyway but rand isn't the only guy in congress who doesn't want to follow covet guidelines there are several others including marjorie taylor greene clan mom is very upset with nancy pelosi who's making her wear a mask to work a restriction she compared to that's right you guessed it the holocaust this woman is mentally ill you know we can look back in a time in history where people were told to wear a gold star and they were definitely treated like second-class citiz citizens so much so that they were put in trains and taken to gas chambers in nazi germany and this is exactly the type of abuse that nancy pelosi is talking about where the hell are those jewish space lasers when you need them it's wearing masks is exactly the type of abuse seen in the hall what's wrong with this woman go home go back to keying other parents cars at soccer games you monster house minority leader kevin mccarthy immediately condemned her comments he said they were reprehensible and totally inconsistent with the values of the republican party no just kidding he said nothing he did nothing and he said nothing but mtg did get a boost of support from soon to be incarcerated congressman matt gates who tweeted i proudly stand with rep mtg marjorie and matt went to a rally together in mesa arizona this weekend before that gates weighed in on a close friend guy named joel greenberg who you may have read pled guilty to six crimes including sex trafficking and who's said to be cooperating with authorities in their investigation of matt gates joel greenberg is literally sitting in jail right now because he originally accused someone who was innocent of having had a relationship with a minor that wasn't true it was just a false thing that joel greenberg had said and that's ended him in quite a bit of trouble but i'm not focused on scandal i'm focused on socialism right right i'm not worried about whether or not i paid a teenager for sex i'm focused on making sure those teenagers do not get health care from the government i love it when they turn on each other i really do i'm looking forward to that happening with the former president now speaking of of the soon to be incarcerated donald trump he may not be president but he's still sponging up all the tax money he can since january the trump organization has been charging the secret service 400 a night for a room at mar-a-lago so far the bill is more than forty thousand dollars at this point it would be cheaper for the secret service to become members of mar-a-lago than to keep paying this not even a discount by the way full rate he has to make a profit off of everything and god forbid the secret service orders room service could bankrupt the entire country these poor secret service agents these guys they spend years training part of this elite security uh task force they wind up on the golf course watching jabba the putt gobble up potato skins although i guess it could be worse today this morning this is not a joke this morning i googled would trump have secret service protection in prison turns out he would they they give them it's never happened before but if it did happen i wonder which lucky agents will get that detail i know from now on you'll be protecting the former president from the crips this is this is now day five of the ceasefire between israel and hamas guillermo have you been following the situation a little bit but it's terrible tell me what you know okay the israel fighting no don't even tell me no because you can't even speak about it or if you've been on social media this week or even opened a newspaper over the past 35 years you know that this is a very touchy subject and it has been made even more so by twitter and instagram there's no right position to take on this even those who say they pray for peace subject to criticism friendships have been ended public figures have been torn to pieces people are scared to speak up and not just on social media they're scared in the privacy of their homes too it's late into game night you've played everything it's time for a game that'll challenge you mentally and emotionally we do have one other game oh what is it let's talk about israel no navigate your way through the holy land stopping to pick up neutral talking points along the way but if those talking points offend anybody obviously this is all very complicated nice one babe and i'm certainly no expert could have fooled me but it just seems like the israeli response is disproportionate you'll spend hours navigating this conversational minefield and having no fun doing it well this conflict goes back a long long way just nice and big but when one force occupies am i not allowed to say that word i don't know these rules are hard to follow you might not know what you're talking about but don't let that stop you from weighing in i feel bad for anyone anywhere who's uncomfortable about anything oh what was wrong with that one can you pass the hummus oh you want to give hamas a pass no no no that's not what i said that is not what he said just like the real conflict this game may never end the two-state solution the violent escalation if both sides [Music] let's talk about israel not fun for the whole family from the makers of daddy's cheating on mom i don't ever want to play this game again now all right let's set a little battleship thanks for watching if you liked that video click the subscribe button and if you didn't like it will you hurt my feelings

Channel: Jimmy Kimmel Live

Views: 1,480,882

Keywords: jimmy, jimmy kimmel, jimmy kimmel live, late night, talk show, funny, comedic, comedy, clip, comedian, mean tweets, Pandemic, Coronavirus, COVID-19, Social Distancing, Quarantine, Monologue, Norovirus, Charlie Bit My finger, NFT, Florida, Bartram Trail High School, Yearbook, Supermarkets, Hand Sanitizer, Dogs, Ted Cruz, Emasculating, Twitter, Tweet, Rand Paul, MTG, Marjorie Taylor Greene, Nancy Pelosi, Matt Gaetz, Donald Trump, Secret Service, Israel, Palestine, Hamas, Board Game

Id: eOPsLNCXr4U

Length: 12min 31sec (751 seconds)

Published: Mon May 24 2021