WELCOME ONE AND ALL IN HERE, OUT
THERE, ALL AROUND THE WORLD TO "THE LATE SHOW." I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT. THIS IS, WITHOUT A DOUBT, A
TROUBLING TIME, WHAT WITH THE PANDEMIC AND NOW A BRUTAL,
UNPROVOKED WAR IN EUROPE. BUT EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE
THERE'S A GLEAM OF SUNSHINE IN THE WORLD, A CHILD'S SMILE, THE
FIRST FLOWER OF SPRING, THE JANUARY 6th COMMITTEE LAYING
OUT POTENTIAL CRIMINAL CHARGES AGAINST THE FORMER PRESIDENT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TURNS OUT, THERE'S A CHANCE THAT TRYING TO VIOLENTLY OVERTHROW
OUR DEMOCRACY MIGHT BE ILLEGAL. THE POTENTIAL CHARGE AGAINST THE
FORMER PRESIDENT AND HIS CAMPAIGN IS "CRIMINAL CONSPIRACY
TO DEFRAUD THE UNITED STATES." TO PARAPHRASE AN IDIOT AND HIS
BLOODTHIRSTY MOB: LOCK HIM UP! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( CHANTING LOCK HIM UP ) >> Stephen: WOW, WOW! I'VE NEVER HAD MY OWN BLOOD
THIRSTY MOB BEFORE. ( LAUGHTER )
I GET THE APPEAL, I HAVE TO SAY. THIS INFORMATION COMES FROM A
CIVIL COURT FILING INVOLVING DISGRACED LAWYER JOHN EASTMAN,
SEEN HERE STARRING IN "INDIANA JONES AND THE TRICKLE OF
FLOMAX." ( LAUGHTER )
EASTMAN WAS THE LEGAL GENIUS BEHIND THE THEORY THAT, AFTER
A FREE AND FAIR ELECTION VICE PRESIDENT MIKE PENCE HAD
THE POWER UNDER THE CONSTITUTION TO DECLARE, "PSYCH!"
( LAUGHTER ) NATURALLY, THE COMMITTEE WANTS
ALL OF EASTMAN'S RELEVANT DOCUMENTS AND EMAILS. SO FAR, HE'S TURNED OVER LESS
THAN HALF OF THEM, CITING ATTORNEY-CLIENT PRIVILEGE, BUT
THOSE CLAIMS WERE UNDERCUT BECAUSE EASTMAN HASN'T BEEN ABLE
TO PROVE HE WAS EVER HIRED BY THE FORMER PRESIDENT. IN FACT, AN "ENGAGEMENT LETTER"
THAT EASTMAN PRODUCED LAST WEEK WAS UNSIGNED. NOT THE FIRST TIME THE EX-PREZ
BAILED ON AN ENGAGEMENT. ( LAUGHTER )
BUT THE MORE IMPORTANT ARGUMENT THE COMMITTEE IS MAKING HERE, IS
THAT EASTMAN'S "CLAIM OF PRIVILEGE WAS POTENTIALLY VOIDED
BY THE "CRIME/FRAUD EXCEPTION," WHICH HOLDS THAT COMMUNICATIONS
NEED NOT BE KEPT CONFIDENTIAL IF AN ATTORNEY IS FOUND TO BE
ASSISTING THEIR CLIENT IN THE COMMISSION OF A CRIME." THAT SEEMS PRETTY REASONABLE. YOUR LAWYER CAN'T BE AN
ACCESSORY TO YOUR CRIME. WE LEARNED THAT IN THE
DRAMATIC EPISODE WHERE THEY FOUND MATLOCK WITH A FRIDGE FULL
OF HUMAN FEET. ( LAUGHTER )
THE COMMITTEE SAYS THEY HAVE EVIDENCE THAT THE FORMER
PRESIDENT KNEW HE WAS COMMITTING FRAUD, THANKS TO THE TESTIMONY
OF FORMER WHITE HOUSE ADVISER AND SOFT-BOILED GUY FIERI
JASON MILLER. ACCORDING TO MILLER, THE FORMER
PRESIDENT WAS WELL AWARE THAT HIS MONTHS OF ASSERTIONS ABOUT A
STOLEN ELECTION WERE FALSE, BECAUSE HE HAD BEEN TOLD
SOON AFTER ELECTION DAY, BY A CAMPAIGN DATA EXPERT "IN PRETTY
BLUNT TERMS" THAT HE WAS GOING TO LOSE. HOW BLUNT? IF THE MESSAGE WAS DELIVERED VIA
ANYTHING MORE COMPLICATED THAN "SCRATCH 'N SNIFF," I DON'T
THINK IT GOT THROUGH. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SCRATCH AND SNIFF. >> Jon: SCRATCH AND SNIFF. MMM. >> Stephen: SPEAKING OF
LEADERS LYING TO THEIR PEOPLE... VLADIMIR PUTIN. SO FAR, HIS INVASION HAS BEEN AN
EMBARRASSMENT TO MOTHER RUSSIA. SO TODAY, HE MET WITH HIS
SECURITY COUNCIL, AND HE MADE THIS SURPRISING CLAIM:
>> (TRANSLATED): I WOULD LIKE TO SAY THAT SPECIAL MILITARY
OPERATION IS BEING CONDUCTED STRICTLY IN ACCORDANCE TO THE
PLAN AND SCHEDULE. >> STEPHEN: (AS PUTIN)
"IT'S TRUE. I'VE WRITTEN IT ALL ON LIST:
PHASE 1: INVADE. PHASE 2: WORLD HATE US. PHASE 3: MONEY IN WALLET TURN TO
DUST. PHASE 4: VICTORY. CELEBRATE WITH 'FUDGIE THE
WHALE' CAKE." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
FURNLGY THE TURNIP? FUDGY THE WHALE TURNIP? ONE OF THE REASONS THE
INVASION'S NOT GOING ACCORDING TO PUTIN'S PLAN IS BECAUSE
ORDINARY UKRAINIANS ARE JOINING THE FIGHT-- LIKE ONE UKRAINIAN
COSTUME DESIGNER WHO IS USING HER MOVIE INDUSTRY SKILLS, NOT
TO DRESS ACTORS, BUT TO SOURCE UNIFORMS, SHOES, HELMETS,
GLOVES, BODY ARMOR, AND KNEE PADS. I'M NOT SURPRISED. EVERYONE IN SHOWBIZ KNOWS
THERE'S NO ONE TOUGHER OR MORE RESOURCEFUL THAN THE
WARDROBE DEPARTMENT. EVERY DAY, I SHOW UP IN A FLEECE
VEST CRUSTED WITH CHILI STAINS, AND THEY TRANSFORM ME INTO THIS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THEY'VE GOT TO USE AN ICE SCRAPER TO SCRAPE ME OUT. AND, LISTEN TO THIS WOMAN:
>> WE WANT TO JUST LIVE HERE ON OUR OWN LAND, YES, TO MAKE OUR
OWN MISTAKES, TO HAVE OUR OWN, MAYBE CORRUPTED GOVERNMENT, BUT
THE ONE THAT WE ELECT. >> STEPHEN: YES. DEMOCRACY'S ALL ABOUT HAVING THE
RIGHT TO ELECT AND THEN HATE YOUR OWN LEADERS. ASK ANY MAYOR OF NEW YORK CITY. THAT WOMAN ALSO INTRODUCED US TO
THE NEXT GENERATION OF UKRAINIAN PATRIOTS. >> IT FEELS LIKE ALL 44 MILLION
PEOPLE IN UKRAINE-- YOUNG AND OLD, MEN AND WOMEN-- EVERYBODY
IS UNITED. EVERYBODY IS A SOLDIER. >> YES. THIS IS WHAT IS HAPPENING. YES. EVEN THIS BABY IS A SOLDIER, I
THINK. >> Stephen: THAT WOMAN IS
UNBELIEVABLY TOUGH AND ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. ANYONE WHO'S HAD A BABY KNOWS
THEY ARE SMALL BUT RELENTLESS OPPONENTS, AND FEARLESS MASTERS
OF SLEEP DEPRIVATION TORTURE. "OH, MOMMY, YOU WANT TO SLEEP? YES? WELL, WELL US WHERE THE BINKY
IS. NO, NO, NOT THAT ONE. I WANT THE BLUE ONE THIS TIME. WHOA. WHAT IS THIS THING?! THERE'S ANOTHER! TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW ABOUT
THESE! MMM, THEY TASTE GOOD. FOOT!"
( LAUGHTER ) SEEING THAT WOMAN SPEAKING
WITH HER BABY IN HER ARMS, REMINDS YOU OF THE HUMAN COST OF
ALL OF THIS. THESE ARE ORDINARY PEOPLE
TRYING TO GO ABOUT THEIR LIVES, WHILE A VICIOUS PSYCHOPATH
UNLEASHES MODERN WEAPONS OF WAR AGAINST THEM. AND IT CAN MAKE YOU FEEL
HELPLESS TO SEE THIS HUMAN SUFFERING. BUT THERE ARE THINGS WE CAN DO. THERE'S A LIST OF ORGANIZATIONS
YOU CAN DONATE TO, PINNED TO THE TOP OF OUR TWITTER PAGE. JUST GO TO "@COLBERTLATESHOW" TO
FIND OUT HOW YOU CAN HELP. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
ONE THING EVERYONE'S TRYING TO DO RIGHT NOW IS FIGURE OUT
WHAT'S GOING ON INSIDE VLADIMIR PUTIN'S HEAD, AND WE GOT A
LITTLE INSIGHT THIS WEEK FROM FORMER PRESIDENT AND GRANDPA
REALLY GETTING A KICK OUT OF THIS LIBRARY PUPPET SHOW
GEORGE W. BUSH. BUSH WAS AT A FUNDRAISER
TUESDAY, AND, DURING A Q&A, HE RECOUNTED A VERY TELLING
EXCHANGE HE AND PUTIN ONCE HAD YEARS AGO, INVOLVING THEIR PETS. OF COURSE! THEY WERE BOTH FAMOUS FOR THEIR
LAPDOGS. HERE'S THE STORY. HERE'S THE STORY. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HERE'S THE STORY -- ACCORDING TO BUSH, "I INTRODUCED
VLADIMIR PUTIN TO BARNEY, OUR SCOTTISH TERRIER, AND PUTIN
DISSED HIM." "A YEAR LATER, LAURA AND I GO
VISIT VLADIMIR, AND HE SAYS 'I WANT YOU TO MEET MY DOG.'
I SAID, 'YEAH, SURE,' AND I'LL NEVER FORGET, OUT RUNS A HUGE
RUSSIAN HOUND, AND PUTIN SAYS 'BIGGER, STRONGER, AND FASTER
THAN BARNEY'." PUTIN'S SO INSECURE HE HAS TO
COMPARE DOG SIZES? THAT LITTLE BITCH. ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I MEAN A FEMALE DOG. IT'S A FEMALE DOG. BUT THIS DOES MEAN WE KNOW
HOW TO TERRIFY PUTIN, JUST BY RELEASING FOOTAGE OF OUR LATEST
MILITARY ASSET: CLIFFORD. ( LAUGHTER )
THE ONLY REASON PUTIN FEELS HE CAN ACT WITH IMPUNITY IS BECAUSE
HE KNOWS CHINA HAS HIS BACK. AND, EVIDENTLY, HE HAS THEIRS. BECAUSE, ACCORDING TO REPORTS,
PUTIN WANTED TO INVADE EARLIER, BUT HE WAITED BECAUSE CHINA
ASKED RUSSIA TO DELAY THE UKRAINE WAR UNTIL AFTER THE
OLYMPICS. YEAH, THEY DIDN'T WANT RUSSIA
TO RUIN THEIR OLYMPICS WITH THE INVASION. THEY WANTED RUSSIA TO RUIN
THEIR OLYMPICS WITH 15-YEAR-OLDS FREE-BASING PEE-POP'S HEART
PILLS. ( LAUGHTER )
AFTER THAT REPORT, A SPOKESPERSON FOR CHINESE
PRESIDENT XI JINPING CLAIMED THEY DIDN'T ASK RUSSIA FOR THE
DELAY. IT'S A CLASSIC CASE OF "HE SAID,
XI SAID." ( LAUGHTER )
CHINA IS JUST ABOUT THE ONLY FRIEND RUSSIA HAS LEFT, BECAUSE
EVERY OTHER MAJOR COUNTRY AND CORPORATION IS DISOWNING THEM. FOR INSTANCE, IKEA IS CLOSING
ITS RUSSIAN STORES. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YES. SURE. THIS WILL GO SPOOL EFFECT AS
SOON AS AS THEY CAN FIND THAT LITTLE
ALLEN WRENCH TO TAKE THE STORES APART. ( LAUGHTER )
WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW. MY GUESTS ARE KYLE MacLACHLAN
AND ARIAN MOYED. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK,
"MEANWHILE!"!
