*pop!* Ahhhh. Okay, finally in. That was easy. All right,Tarkov. What's this game at- ..wait. Are these guys you?
Wait. Who are these guys? Whoa guys, I am surrounded by three randoms. Are they - are they us? I don't know! I can't tell, there are no names above their heads! Do I shoot them? Do I shoot them? Well d-don't shoot! What if it's us? But what if it's not us, what if it's not us Rowan? I need to know if I need to shoot them! Am I shooting them?! Guys, I'm freaking out. Okay, this game is way too real! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Guys, they're aiming their guns at me. No, no, no, no, no, no, wait, put your guns down, I'm gonna shoot you. Yes, you put your gun down. Put your gun down, put your gun down. Put the gun down! Put the gun down! Can you hear me? Put your gun down. Guys, I'm gonna have to shoot them. I'M GONNA SHOOT! I'M GONNA SHOOT! I WILL END YOUR LIFE! Put it down. Put it down. No, I won't show you if you don't shoot me. Don't! I will- I'm gonna shoot. I'm gonna shoot! AAAARGH *pew pew* AHHH! *dying noisily* D'you guys just die?
Yeeap. Yeah totally. Yep. Well, I guess now we know!
Now we know. *pop!* Ah. Ahhh! What the hell? I'm still injured from the previous game! You think you're injured? G'ah - this is as fast as I can walk, Rowan. Um, guys?
... I don't think we're gonna have fun this game. What kind of game leaves you injured into the next match? This ain't no game.
.. This ain't no game.
It's a prison. Wait a sec, where's Ben? Yeah, I can't move.
Holy shit! Ben, are you okay? Yeah mate, just having a great time - playing Tarkov, having a great time, fun fun fun. You know. Well... we're in game... Shall we..? May as well see this game through. Move out I guess.
Yeah. ...ah! ...ah! Sorry, Ben. All right, so- you guys are just gonna leave me here? Yup. Sorry, Ben.
I think we're leaving you here, mate. Well, that is- *wince* outrageous. *squeal* *grimace* *flinch* *groan* *whine* *grunt* *squirm* *agonise* Oh great, so you're taking Alan? Yup! Yeah, great. *strain* I'll just- I'll- I'll stay here, and just watch out for enemies and stuff. Yup.! Good, man! *pant* Trigger finger still works, so... Just stay on comms. If you see anyone, let us know. Yeah... *struggle* *wail* Outrageous. *quail* Out-RAGEOOOOOOOOOOO-
*dramatic gunfire* -OOOOOOOOOOO-
*extended mag sounds* -OOOOOoous!!!
*fire superiority* ...ow. *pop!* O-kay.! Let's... give this game another go.
Let's have some fun.! Okay! Tarkov.! Here... we are. ..where are we? No idea. Yeah, I'll just pull up my map. Hang on. ... No, there's no map. Really?!
There's no map.
Oh, god! Guys, I don't know about this. I do not get a good feeling from this game It must be popular for a reason, right? I guess... Guys, if we just if we just get past the learning curve, and figure out the mechanics - I'm sure we'll love it. Yeah, okay.
Let's move out *wheeze* *pant* Wow... we are really unfit. Are we not meant to be, like, combat trained or something? I'm fitter than this in real life! *cough* Hey, you know what we- ..? Wait, where are you guys? Okay, this way, I'll get the door. Got it. *unnecessary Russian screaming* ...what the hell, Rowan? *более неконтролируемый крик!!!!* Rowan, stop! You're scaring me! *Russian fury intensifies*
.. *Russian fury intensifies*
Rowan, stop! *Russian fury intensifies*
Where did you learn Russian? *non-consensual second language*
.. *non-consensual second language*
aaaaaAHHHHHHHH!!!! Okay, it's all clear. I've got a question. Mm? What are we actually supposed to be doing? You know? ... ..huh. Yeah. Well... e-escaping... we- That's it! Escaping.
.. Escaping.
..from..? Tarkov. Yeah, yeah, we're escaping from Tarkov. -escaping from Tarkov! Duh! We're escaping from Tarkov, mate. Pfft! *chuckling* Oh, Ben! Escaping from Tarkov, Ben.! (It's in the title, mate.! Escape from Tarkov.)
.. (It's in the title, mate.! Escape from Tarkov.)
Yeah. Okay. Couple of follow-up questions: Why?! Where?! How?! WHO are we escaping from?
.. WHO are we escaping from?
Where are we escaping to? Where do we go to escape? I mean- I'm so lost, guys. Hey guys, where are the enemies? It's just so quiet. Like, are we the only people on this whole map, or... ..guys? ... ..ah. *HEADSHOT* *slump* *clears throat* Okay.! So - trader.? *finger pistols* Yo. Right, okay. Let's give this a crack. Um... Lemme know if anything takes your fancy. Man. Do you think you could... organise this a little bit? It's- it's pretty chaotic. What d- Whaddya mean this is this is organised. This is well organised. Really? Well, yeah. Okay, um... Man. I don't even know what half this shit is, like... like this. What is this? Don't know. You don't know? I don't- I don't know, figure it out.
..
.. I don't- I don't know, figure it out.
All right, I'll try and... figure it out
.. I don't- I don't know, figure it out.
All right, I'll try and... figure it out
Okay. I don't- I don't know, figure it out.
All right, I'll try and... figure it out
.. Ah! Silencer!
.. Silencer!
..silencer, yeah. Uhhhh, oh! What about this? Don't know. What do you mean you don't know?!
I.. I don't know. Figure it out, mate. Okay... ..man... Ah! Yeap! It's a scope.
.. It's a scope.
..a scope. Should I even bother asking?
Uh, er - I dunno! Frag grenade.
.. Frag grenade.
..frag... yeah. Come on, man! I mean, I really think you should be able to tell me what this stuff is. Should I? I don't know I... I put it out there... take it or leave it. I don't know.
You're trying to sell me stuff! You should like look, look... ..look. Even I know from the silhouette. I know what this is. Do you? What is this? Okay, uh, I don't know.
Just completely flummoxed nooo idea at all? Figure it out! Bottle of water! Bottle of water. Forget it. D- uh... I just want to buy this gun. 10,000 rubles. Right, so you don't know what it is, but you know how much it costs. I don't... uh... Yeah, o-okay. Don't worry about it; deal! Deal. I'm gonna take it. *annoyed sigh* I need some ammo, so what kind of ammo does this gun take? ..don't know. HOW CAN YOU NOT- okay. Okay!
What- what about attachments? What kind of attachments go on this gun? Uhhhhhhhhhm.... ..actually... *guns being poked* ..does it... *more fiddling* *general nudging* You don't know, do you.
.. You don't know, do you.
No. F**k it. Forget it! Uhhh... I don't... Oh! Body... I probably shouldn't, it's right out in the open. ..I wonder if the guy that killed him's still nearby. I should probably just leave it. It's a trap. It's definitely a trap. *audible breathing* [Hissing] Adaaaammm..... *heartbeat* *heartbeat* [HISSING] Come to me, Adaaaammm...
.. [HISSING] Come to me, Adaaaammm...
*heartbeat* [HISSING] Come to me, Adaaaammm...
.. No, it's not safe.
.. No, it's not safe.
*heartbeat* No, it's not safe.
.. [HISSING] Come see what treasures are yours now.
.. [HISSING] Come see what treasures are yours now.
*heartbeat* [HISSING] Come see what treasures are yours now.
.. [HISSING] Come see what treasures are yours now.
*heartbeat* [HISSING] Come see what treasures are yours now.
.. *heartbeat* Maybe just a quick look.
.. Maybe just a quick look.
*heartbeat* Maybe just a quick look.
.. *excited breathing* Oh, seriously? *gunshot*
Ow! *gunshot* Ahh! *gunfire* *center of mass* *headshot* Wait, This is us, right? Yeah, there's- there's four of us. This is us. Yep. Okay. Okay, so this is getting ridiculous. Rowan, you killed two of us last game. You were miles away from the team. How was I supposed to know? Rowan, you cannot just kill the first person that you see. If I don't shoot immediately, and the enemy shoots first and I die- Okay guys, we need to come up with a plan, though; because Rowan, to be honest, you're more dangerous than the enemy out there. (That's bullshit.) Ooh, ooh, ooh! Okay. I've got an idea. How about, if we need to identify ourselves, we wiggle? 'cos like - you've got lean which is Q and E? But if you do it quickly... It's kind of like a wiggle? Yeah, okay, and if they DON'T lean, then they must be the enemy. Okay, let's give it a test. Okay. WIGGLE! Oh, yeah.
Oh yeah? Yeah! It works.
Oh yeah? Yeah! It works.
No, it's good! I think that could work.
No, it's good! Okay. BUT, can we agree that when someone yells wiggle, you've got MAXIMUM one second to wiggle, and if you don't wiggle, and they shoot you - then it's your own fault. That's fair Yeah, totally. I mean we can't wait forever for them to wiggle, right? Mm, yeah. Sure.
Alright. Let's move out.
.. Let's move out.
Move out! Okay. That way?
I guess so, yeah. *startles* Uh, wiggle! Wiggle! Wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle! Y-y-y-yeah! Yeah, it's me! It's Adam. Wiggling, wiggling. Sorry. *whew* Oh well, it works Oh.! Wiggle. Wiggle! Wiggle!! Oh! Er, yup! Yep. Nice. Oh... Oh... okay. Oh, oh, oh, oh! Wiggle!
Wiggle!
Wiggle! Oh! Wiggle! Wiggle wiggle wiggle! Wiggle! [DISTANT] Oh, oh, oh! Wiggle! Wiggle! It works. Wiggle wiggle! Wiggle! WIGGLE! WIGGLE?! Wiggle! Wi-*gunfire* G'ah! F**k! Ow! Rowan, what?! Wait, that was you, Alan? Yes.! Why didn't you wiggle? Because I was the one that yelled "Wiggle", Rowan!
I initiated the wiggle command!! Yeah- So- I wiggled, and then I asked for you to wiggle, and you didn't wiggle! Urgh, you did NOT ask me to wiggle! You were narrating your own wiggle! No, no no! I started wiggling because you asked me to wiggle, and then I turned around and saw that someone wasn't wiggling! So I asked for them to wiggle, and they didn't wiggle. So I shot them! Oh, F*** ***! What was I supposed to do here? I assumed, that you would assume, that the person that you saw- -WAS THE ONE YELLING WIGGLE! How. Was I. Supposed to know?! You. Didn't! WIGGLE. F*** this, I'm out. *pop!* Oh! Oh, so this is my fault, is it?
That's bullshit, I'm playing Sea of Thieves. *pop!* All right, stepping over some grass. Rotating 90 degrees. Taking a few more steps, here. Okay, Alan. 'kay, appear to be passing some rubble here? Yeah? Roger that(!) Dead grass, approaching up ahead. Concrete pillars, ahead of me, to the right. Yep. Sweet, whatever. Concrete house to my left, rotating 45 degrees. Moving forward - edging forward, here. Yeah, okay! Seriously. Alan? We get it. We can see you. We know you're walking around, doing things. We don't need to hear every detail about every step you take Guys, seriously? In Tarkov, communication is absolutely key. Yeah, but you don't need to tell us what you're doing every single second, Alan. There's no indicator to tell us who, or where we are, relative to one another! Communication. Is. Paramount. It's the only reason we know where we are right now Oh! Oh, so we need to know that you took one step from that bush, to that bush, to that bush.?! Well, it helps. No one cares, Alan! Wow. Okay. You know what? Fine. I will stop communicating. Thank God.
Fine! Amazing!
.. Amazing!
That's great. Yep.
That's great. Yep.
Okay, let's go. Let's- let's see how it goes guys. Great. Fine. Awesome. I'm excited. So, I'm thinking- ..? Wait, where are you guys? Uhm... I'm by the... the thing? The big rock thing. What thing? W-what do you mean? Uh, I'm buy some sort of, uh, I'm by a brick wall... again.? ENEMY!!!
.. ENEMY!!!
*gunfire* I'm coming to help! Oh, shi- *gunfire* Ahhh!
*dying noises* *slump* All right, I am approaching 3, I count 3 dead idiots, on the ground... ..approaching Dead Idiot Teammate #1. Shame, shoulda listened. Approaching an arrogant arsehole, who was very aggressive... ..and just passing... a self-righteous prick. Shame. You little bitch. *pop!* Okay. Gentlemen - welcome to Tarkov.
This is uh, the first, basically finished area of the map we have. You can see we've been working really hard on the environments and just, fine-tuning the graphi- Yeah, no one cares about graphics these days. So, the first thing I want to talk about is the general, overall tone and vibe of the game. Are there any updates on that? Ah, well that's my field. It seems like the video game industry is leaning really heavily into making games - a little bit too fun. You've got your Call of Dutys, you've got your Battlefields... Great games. Very popular. ..they're just leaning way too heavily into this "enjoyment" factor, which, I just find absolutely ridiculous. Mm, yep. We want to strip the fun right back- But, are we really committed to that? We are 100% committed to that. In summary, we really want to make playing Tarkov feel like... Getting punched in the dick. I absolutely love it. The feeling of being punched in the dick is definitely a vibe I want to keep, for this whole game. Right. So the next thing I want to talk about is the New Player Experience. What's it going to be like when they first enter the game, when they're looking at their inventory? Are there any updates on that? Ah, yes well I've been working on that. So we've noticed other games have very simple inventory systems. Bleurgh. We're not going to do that, are we? Mm-mm.
Nope! So in Tarkov, new players are going to be greeted by an inventory screen that looks like a spreadsheet. There'll be tons of bullets, tons of magazines, tons of guns - a whole lot of items you have to identify. People are going to be so freaking confused... ..it's going to feel like they've been punched in the dick. Nice. How- however, however - um, I would just like to say that, that yes, this is an incredibly complex game, so... ..we're working on a very robust tutorial that really- No, we'll scrap the tutorial. So the next thing is going to be how health works in this game. How healing, how being injured; how does that work? Are there any updates on that? Can I ask you a question? Have you ever been shot? I haven't.
.. I haven't.
Never been shot. Would you know what to do had you been shot? Wouldn't know. This is exactly how we want the player to feel in Tarkov. If you get shot, we want them to just be... Angry. Frustrated. Terrified. We want it to be a really confusing, horrible experience. There are going to be over a dozen ways to heal in Tarkov, and none of them will make any sense. Aspirin will lead to dehydration, which will lead to death. My theory is: if people aren't angry from start to end in Tarkov, quite frankly, we've failed. We want it to feel like... ..the player's been punched in the dick. Absolutely love that. Okay, okay. But let - let me ask you a question. Now: are you a soldier? No. No! You're not. ..uh... but the players will be playing as soldiers, and I feel like soldiers would know how to heal- The next thing I want to talk about is the general quality of life, uh interacting with your fellow teammates. How does that work? So we've noticed other video games use gamer tags to help players easily identify their teammates. Mm. But... I've noticed that you don't have a name above your head.! Oh.! Ah no, I don't. And neither do you.! Neither do you!
Oh my goodness. You don't either! So there's going to be NONE in Tarkov. Oo! In fact, it's going to be very difficult for players to even know who their teammates are. In fact, they're probably going to team-kill them over and over. It is going to be the worst, most awful experience of their life. It's gonna feel like they've been punched in the dick. I love it. Okay, okay. I- ah, aha. Sorry, I just really like to voice some concerns that I've got right now, because I'm just a bit worried, with the lack of gamer tags and the confusing heals and the nightmare menus, and the general tone of unpleasantness, that I'm- I'm just worried that we might be creating a game that's just too difficult, too intimidating, and just generally... unenjoyable. *snap* Just like real warfare. Mmmm! Love it!
Love it, love it, love it! Love it, lock it in. *pop!*, *pop!* Ugh. Okay. I guess... Go punch myself in the dick for some research. Hi. Yo. I would like to buy a gun, please. Ooh, la laa. Yep, umm, I've actually been saving up for quite a while. I've been doing a lot of raids. Finally getting the hang of this shit. Nice. So I think it's time to splash out on an assault rifle. Well, uh, may I direct your attention to the assault rifle section? *unhelpful arms* You just pointed to the whole table. That's it, dog. So you don't have a specific assault rifle section? Uh, I don't tell you how to- Okay! Okay. Okay. Fine, forget it. Jesus. Ooh. What about this one? Looks good... Yeah. How much? Shampoo, dog. ..what? That one's a bottle of shampoo. What do you mean? Is- is that like a code, or something? You know what shampoo is, eh? Like, literal shampoo? Like, the stuff that you use to wash your hair. Shampoo? ..y-yes... Yeah, that'll cost you a bottle of shampoo. Okay.. Well, this might strike you as odd, but I didn't actually bring any shampoo with me to Tarkov, so... Okay. That's weird. I guess you can't have it, then. I've got cash. I've got like, literal money.? Don't care. That costs a bottle of shampoo. Okay..? Okay, wh-what about this one, the AK? How much does this cost? $Toothpaste This is absurd! Why are ya-? Again, I have cash money. I have money. Mate, that costs: $Toothpaste.
It's what I'm out of, at the moment. Okay! What about that one?
.. What about that one?
Peanut butter. This one?
.. This one?
Mechanical pencil. Tape measure. Okay, what about that one?
.. Okay, what about that one?
Horse statue. I don't have one. Horse statue! Where on EARTH am I g- I- I think, I think I have a... horse statu- like a little horse? Hang on, you've got- you've got a horse statue? I found one in a house somewhere. What colour's it's mane? Uhhh, I- I don't know, yellow? I think? Deal! Deal. Yeah, deal. Like - like, this? This thing? Y-yes. Yes, yes. Deal. Okay, hang on. So: just to be clear...
.. Okay, hang on. So: just to be clear...
Yeah. Yeah, yeah. If I give you this, you will GIVE me this gun.
.. you will GIVE me this gun.
Deal, deal, deal. Just give it. Ah, 'kay... Yes, yes! ..all right.! Sorry, just out of pure curiosity... ..why? Wh- like, what are you planning on doing with a little horse? Uh, one thing I might do with it is mind my own business, if it's all right, like I'll just... I don't ask you what you're doing with your things. Well, I mean, it's pretty obvious what I'm gonna do with a gun. I- I don't ask you, so...
.. I- I don't ask you, so...
..it's not obvious what YOU are ..because it's your business, so...
..it's not obvious what YOU are ..because it's your business, so...
gonna do with a little horse! I'll- I'll just mind my own business.
gonna do with a little horse! Okay, so, see ya mate!
.. See ya mate.
Okay.! Got everything you need?
Okay.! Okay! Got everything you need?
Yup! Fine. See ya mate.
Fine. See ya mate.
You... WEIRDO. You... WEIRDO. Cool.
You... WEIRDO. You... WEIRDO. Now... Ah, yesss... Okay, so yeah... Hey, Rex, a-looks like I've got a little visitor for you. MWARRRRR-R-R-R-R! Hey guys, thank you so much for watching. As you might be able to tell we're really struggling with Tarkov, but uh, I hope you enjoyed the video. Please do consider subscribing and check out some other videos. Whoa whoa whoa whoa wiggle wiggle! Wiggle! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.! *gunfire* Ah, f***! Rowan, ow! Well, you didn't wiggle!
I was doing the annotation screen, what the hell?!
Went in skeptical - was genuinely surprised. Pretty hilarious.
Everyone succumbs to the wispers of the rat at least once
Viva da dirt league are hilarous, they have a bunch of series going on, all gold
Honestly I've stopped trying to explain the game to friends and just show them viva la dirt videos instead
This was hilarious. Great quality, solid jokes, amazing props (like that injured dude on the bed).
I think no floating tags is the way to go tho.