How to Manage Intrusive Thoughts w/ QuarterJade

we still have some coaching spots left open so healthy gamer can help people understand themselves um our program is aimed at helping people with common mental health issues such as isolation social anxiety low confidence internet or video game addiction and more book a coach today with a peer coach trained by me personally so i train all of our coaches and click the first link in the description to see stats from our coaching program and what coaching can do for you what do you go by by the way how do i oh you call me jody jody okay i'm all oak but a lot of people prefer to call me dr k you can call me whatever you would like okay um and so tell me thank you for very much for coming on thank you for having me i see you are very vibrant still and colorful okay i used to not be i literally got my hair dyed not even two days ago um yeah it looks great thank you what what prompted getting the hair dyed um my i always hear my mom say like oh my god like i wish i could have pink hair of blue hair but i'm too old and a lot of my friends have colored hair and i was like i'm just i'm just gonna do it i i'm i used to be really attached to my hair so it's kind of empowering to just be like yeah i'm gonna bleach the entirety of my head and make it pink what's empowering about that help me understand that i think um a lot of my life has been caring about the perception of myself to others and while i do care uh i don't want that to hold me back from expressing myself and so this was like very different than i think even my last yourself would expect from me what was your last year of self it had would have expected from you i think my last yourself and all the years prior especially with streaming uh has cared a lot about how my first impression is like when people make that first judgment of you or even see you on a thumbnail while they're scrolling twitch like i wanted to be perceived in a certain way i see um in order to yeah how did that change oh i got so sick and tired of it i was just like oh like i'm not myself i don't fee like i feel like i'm constantly trying to appeal to something that is not what i want um yeah so it was kind of more just like like rebellion kind of thing oh wow okay so it sounds like you've discovered yourself well maybe maybe we're like halfway there okay uh so cool that's um sorry for diving right in i i don't know if this is yeah i don't mind at all is there i was just curious about you know the appearance because it happened two days ago and it seems like yeah it's like significant for you that you did this thing um definitely is i feel i feel really happy though like i'm giddy about it so yeah so you're you're like expressing yourself and it's is there something in particular that you want to talk about today or anything that maybe i could help you with when i was asked that question we had listed off the feeling just of being a girl as a streamer and how you're kind of pushing against the grain and then uh how intrusive thoughts make me feel kind of like inherently terrible um they have a way of doing that and i think i struggle with trust friendships okay and that would be all that i can think of right now that's plenty he thinks jody what do you want to start with so we've got intrusive thoughts uh being a female on twitch um and uh trusts and friendships what feels um any of them feel equally as okay so yeah so let me just maybe i can just ask you a little bit about yourself and kind of lay like a foundation for like maybe 10 or 15 minutes and then we can kind of see where that takes us i suddenly find myself feeling like really excited to like dig into this stuff with you and i hope we can really learn something together um and i'm optimistic that we can it's weird i'm feeling unusual maybe it's just because you're so energetic i'm like oh i'm like nervous am so nervous i feel like i'm jittering so i thought you know it's kind of exciting i mean i'm excited i am but i'm also extremely nervous and try i think i'm trying to cope with that nervousness by being extra wobbly oh no i wonder if now i will feel anxious and bubbly okay no no no i'm not feeling i'm excited i'm i'm just as equally excited okay let's let's ask you so can you tell me a little bit about what growing up was like for you oh um growing up i think i was a really happy kid like i i looked back on my childhood with fondness i've there was also some traumatic experiences and such but everything who doesn't go through that and then um i mean my family is really supportive my parents are super supportive of what i do i mean my hair is pink and they still love me and it's great and they're like oh my god i love it and uh i've gamed my whole life my my parents gamed actually like i remember just like waking up in the middle of night and hearing them play halo on like legendary campaign until 2am um so they're like very uh understanding and with the times i would say wow interesting so yeah you know ballpark answers are fine how old are your parents i'm oh yeah yeah my dad is 57 and i want to say my mom is 46. so how did they learn how to use a controller i have no idea um it's very unusual my i'm sure that my brother influenced my parents gaming so my brother was super into gaming as well growing up more even than me and then i'm sure that through my brother's interest in gaming that my parents were like oh well now we have this console let's give it a try um so that would have been around the time it would be like yeah around 7 20 20 something years ago because i'm 23. so okay took the next question out of my mouth and how old is your brother it sounds like he's older yeah he's 20 25 6. okay i should know that i should definitely know that no no we're ballparking you do know that right we're just ballparking for privacy yeah and you have one brother yeah any other siblings no just one brother can you tell me a little bit about him um he is opposite of me okay in many ways i think that i don't know what that means though because i don't know you right he is a lot of the things that i saw growing up that i didn't like was actually in my brother and so i tried to go the opposite way um he i don't consider him a very considerate individual i think he's very in his head about himself and uh has a hard time maybe seeing outside of his situation and so that has definitely affected my life uh because obviously i grew up with him and he he didn't move out to i moved out really so yeah spent a lot of time with him shared a bathroom with him and such he's but he's very like i don't really have anything good to say um well it sounds like he's one of us yeah and i say that with love well yeah so i mean i think a lot of times you know siblings can dislike things about their other siblings and it takes some time to really get to know your sibling you know in a way that is like it's like a process it's like a relationship that develops over time and i wouldn't be surprised if you guys felt quite differently you know five years from now 10 years from now um but i'm i'm almost hearing that maybe there were times when you were growing up that like maybe you could have really used his support a little bit but maybe he was a little bit caught up in himself and maybe wasn't quite as available to you i think that of course they have the same parents so i think that a lot of the things that we felt or were going through as a result of having the same parents uh we could have talked about and i feel like could have definitely relied on each other but yeah i not sure we just have never connected and have always had issues or not okay i like just not gotten along i would say hmm what does that look like um well when i used to live with him and my parents it was a lot of like fighting in a sense where i'm like hi can you do this and he'll be like uh no like that why would i do that and i'd be like well because like this bothers me he's like eh yeah and i'm like okay so that's like really um frustrating so that was a lot of like just fighting and then it came to a point where i stopped caring i was like okay yeah we're just never gonna have that relationship and you're just so drastically different from me and then yeah and then i moved out and we don't talk like he'll text me sometimes i'll like say happy birthday we don't really talk past that how do you feel about that i have a lot of resentment towards him uh not because of me like i don't really care how he's affected me because he i don't feel like he's a really like thing on my life but um i'm like upset with how he affects my parents because yeah he's just um i think like a kind of a withdrawal sometimes but um yeah so um jody i'm just noticing like i don't want this to turn into a you know brother bashing session and it crosses my mind that this is public so i wouldn't want us to talk about anything that um would reflect poorly on him or make him feel embarrassed or called out or anything like that we may have already crossed that bridge but um the reason i'm asking i just wanna because i think we've got kind of an interesting fork in the road here where this feels important to me um it feels like it's actually like a significant part of your life like i know you've learned how to live with it and sort of like wall it off and it's like you know we text each other on birthdays you know um it's like that steam friend that you you know you've got on your steam friends list that like you used to play games with a few years ago and then they changed their names a couple times and they changed their icon a couple times you don't even know who they are anymore you don't know what games you guys used to play it's just the perfect it's just it's just like it's just on your friends list right you're like i don't even know who that person is but like i don't know well continuing i will say like i love my brother and i do see the good things in him it's just that my i can understand how great my brother is if i wasn't his sibling i think because i am his sibling i get to see a different side of him and i and understand just a little bit more so like i if for anyone listening i do love my brother my brother is a great guy like it's just that i get to see totally just a different side of him that i think everybody has it's just that yeah my brother yeah so i think that's where like you know if you want to talk about it i think it's still useful to do so i think we should just understand that the point of exploring these things is to really try to improve on them and i'm sure that you know when it comes to brothers and and sisters that you know text each other occasionally i'm sure you had your fair share in contributing to that relationship you know i mean it's not like a one-way well sometimes sometimes it is but you know usually it's like it goes both ways um so you know i am i i do find myself curious but i also want to kind of acknowledge that it could make him look bad and and make sure that you're kind of comfortable with me continuing to ask questions like i'm really curious when you said i kind of you have some resentment built up for some of the his relationship with your parents so i'm curious about that yeah um i like my parents are i think fine with my brother i just see what my brother does and i'm like you could definitely sorry my cat is eating my mouth um you could definitely yeah uh just be a little bit more considerate and it would make their lives a little bit easier sure it's just that he what is that what is the what do you what do you ask him to do or what do you wish he did differently so i haven't been home so i don't know exactly what his like behavior is like right now but a lot of uh what i have seen in him and know that he does is just like doesn't really pick up after himself doesn't really help out around the house um and is like i said very like one track minded and maybe he tunnels on like his own life um plays a lot of video games but he works really long hours so i can understand that he like went through a really bad breakup and moved back into my parents house and like adopted a dog but i guess didn't really take care of the dog too well like my parents did a lot of it um so yeah sounds like he works really hard maybe had some stuff going on that wasn't too great but also sounds like one of us in the sense that he doesn't play pick up after himself is kind of lost in game sometimes and is maybe a little bit infantilized by your mom and dad yes um so there's a really interesting diagnostic question about whether he's one of us or whether he's not one of us does he do his own laundry i want to say yes there may be hope for him [Laughter] you know doing your own laundry is a big big part of it um my cat is just absolutely destroying my room right now i see that yes sir go ahead um maybe your cat is jealous that we're talking about your brother uh so can you tell me a little bit about your parents yeah um my mom is my rock i love her to death she is absolutely the woman that i've aspired to be um she's just always had like given me that space to be vulnerable and talk about things and really given me the space to express myself in any way that i want like truly wishes for my happiness and i feel that from her my dad my dad is an interesting man um he's rather angry uh we actually you know when you finally like get to talk to your parents about all the things that you've like been meaning to like you you know you make your own paycheck so you don't like hold anything back my dad and i just actually had that conversation um maybe like two weeks ago which was pretty big for me because i think that was weighing on me for a while um but he's a little angry and i definitely see some of him in me and i hate that because i didn't really like him growing up and what um what part of what part of him do you see in yourself that you dislike so i call them my sneezes like behind closed doors um a lot of the times i'll like get angry at stuff and i can't hold it in because it's like what i grew up with like holding and angry emotions were not a thing that happened in my family with my dad uh and so i see that in me and it's mine's definitely not as bad as my dad's but because it's so similar in the sense i like get really angry you can't whatever and then i like sneeze and then it's gone so i don't really like those grudges it's just that because i can get so angry and because i can't really control my emotions it makes me feel really guilty i guess is the word for it okay um can you give me an example i something just happened oh andy milonakis just gifted a shitload of subs to our channel so thanks andy um and he does that from time to time i don't know we love that he shows up and you know bitcoin billionaires asses um but let me just so let me ask you can you tell us like paint us a little bit of a picture or do any memories stand out um and once again you know we want to acknowledge for a moment that this is just an isolated memory it sounds like you're for the most part like you said first and foremost that you were a happy kid and so it sounds like your parents did a wonderful job and they're like actually awesome parents but no one's perfect um the reason i'm gonna ask you a little bit about your dad is more because you see that part inside of you so maybe we can understand a little bit about how to deal with that anger is it okay if i ask you to tell us a little bit about like memories from interactions that you had with your dad okay right as you said memories like i so vividly have this in my mind that's what we want yeah it was around christmas i remember because we were sitting next to the christmas tree and i don't exactly remember what happened or what led to this i actually think it was a pretty big turning point in my life um but my dad i ended up talking back and my dad ended up calling me a [ __ ] and i remember being like my dad just called me a [ __ ] like you can't do that like you should just not do that and i remember like screaming at him and i was like you have no idea how your words affect people and i'm like 16 and you're calling me a [ __ ] and i'm like how do you think this is gonna make me feel like do you think i'm gonna forget this and um i remember specifically like what okay sorry can you hear that my cat is rumbling at times i'm so sorry hi honey um just i remember because it was the time that i had talked back like i had finally stood up for myself and he called to be a [ __ ] because of it and so it was really scarring but also like an awakening where i was like no matter what i say he's just not gonna like that i am talking back i think it's interesting because i i think i'm getting a little bit more context of why changing your hair is so empowering right because you kind of say that for a long time you used to like be what people wanted you to be and now you're being a little bit more of yourself and what i'm hearing is that you know you were taught that being yourself is not okay i definitely was taught to behave and yeah like i would definitely i i it's like i would just my it was like walking on around eggshells or whatever that saying is that i'm not familiar with but walking on that trail it was very much that like one thing could blow up an entire situation so it was a lot of um just kind of minding my own business trying to lay low not bring attention to myself kind of thing and what kind of things would set your dad off um not washing a dish um saying something it changing his ipad wallpaper it could be anything and what would he say if you changed his ipad wallpaper oh this happened to my well my brother changed his ipad wallpaper but it was the end of the world um don't touch my [ __ ] and it's disrespectful how would you like it if i touched your [ __ ] uh took all the clothes out of my brother's closet threw him over the banister just kind of ridiculous yeah but i think he knows it's ridiculous uh i like had the conversation with him i'm like you're you're ridiculous you're a ridiculous man and uh he was so i pretty much had the conversation with him that i was like why do you need to like lash out at people when you're angry and we it actually we had a conversation about my brother because i think a lot of why my brother is the way that he is is because of my dad of course and um it was like you hurt people when you're angry and i'm like do you mean to do that and he's like yeah how are any how is anybody gonna know that i'm angry if i don't like say these words like hurtful meaningful words and i was like how i'm so sorry like for the environment that you must have grown up in where you feel like you had to lash out of people for them to even hear you because that's just not normal and i was telling my dad i'm like and any friendship that i have right now if i was to be like hey you stupid [ __ ] i hate when you do that they're gonna be like okay i'm not gonna be friends with you because why do i need that in my life um and he didn't he didn't really i mean we kind of got to a consensus and he was like okay like i get it but uh i don't know if it really like resonated with him i think it was the only time in his life that anyone has ever talked to him about that or said anything along that those lines wow that takes so i you know i'm a little bit of a boomer so sometimes i say things that could be interpreted as misogynistic so i apologize because i you know um so let me know if i offend you okay but you know that takes that's quite a pair of balls you have there why thank you they're rather large you know like i've tried to say ovaries you know to be like you know but it just doesn't it doesn't mean it do you know and then like then you can always use the gender neutral term which is that's quite a pair of gonads yeah i like that that's what definitely reminds me of middle school yeah like it's it's a middle school insult right i'm still trying to navigate this like you know woke culture of it's tough for me so if i say something that's out of line i apologize uh but that's quite a pair of balls you have there yeah i mean seriously like it's it's it's hard to stand up to your parents um especially when they get so angry and throw all your clothes over the banister well i will i shut my mouth for 23 years there's i was definitely not saying anything but i'm financially able to support myself and uh i don't think that he can emotionally damaged me anymore so i felt kind of just like well we ended up on the call and why not i've been meaning to have this talk with you for literally ever so it was actually like really nice so it sounds like he was actually pretty receptive to the conversation and kind of engaged with you yes he had definitely a moment of anger uh and not really yeah he definitely just doesn't listen it's funny he he's always waiting to talk like if you always hear yeah he's always waiting to talk and i can tell because i'm like you're just yelling back at me and it yeah um he's also just a man of logic so a lot of my arguments and how i now carry forth of my arguments is through logic and i kind of hate that because emotions are always in play it's just that i know how to talk to my dad for him to listen to me so i have to like do everything logically i'm like yeah well this is what you said three years ago and if you don't really follow through with that then that just doesn't logically make sense and he's like um i'm like [Laughter] wow that's interesting usually my experience with with people who are super into logic is that if their logic is incorrect they get really really angry and then they just can't see that their logic is wrong that usually okay he at least if you can out logic him then then it he'll finally make okay i'll think about it but yeah so i'm also hearing that you know he sort of it sounds like you've sort of figured this out that like that was just the only way he knew how to make himself heard so i didn't know that until like two weeks ago i genuinely thought that he like knew what he was doing because i'm like how can you be not how do you not have the awareness to know that you are totally messing up people being mean and like um but no he like genuinely didn't understand and i actually think that makes maybe more sense to me yep yeah yeah it sort of makes sense because he didn't really know what he was doing but also it also sounds like that's the way that he learned that feelings are taken seriously when you are mean to someone and that's how you express to someone that you were not okay with what they did yeah um the way that you demonstrate that you have been hurt is by hurting someone else um so that's that's i'm i'm happy for you guys and i think it takes a lot of strength to have that conversation and it sounds like your dad is kind of willing to play ball which is we'll see but yeah cool and um how did you get into streaming oh uh i went to an event called pax with my then ex-boyfriend and there was like this huge purple booth and i was like what's that and he's like oh it's just like this live streaming platform like oh that's weird and then i forgot about it and then um pax west and then he actually built a computer and started streaming and at the same time i was like well i want to build a computer because i had always been a console gamer and like a laptop gamer um and then i ended up uh having some friends who helped me and i built like this really jank like really just bad computer but um welcome to pc master race my friend yes so i would watch his streams and i was like this is really cool like this is all i've ever wanted in the sense that i've always had moments in gaming where i'm like oh my god i wish someone saw that and that is exactly what this is and so um i started streaming and i was also extremely lonely at the time i was in college and was studying as pre-med and so i literally didn't make any friends all i did was study i like didn't have the luxury or the intelligence to study work and have friends i could really only have work and school and do those two things well and then so you worked when you were in college i worked part-time and then yeah and then i just like loved streaming because i was so lonely how did you decide to become pre-med uh interesting actually i was autofilled to business in college my my parents were like you don't have to go to college but if you like you just have to do something productive in the meantime like you can't just sit at home and like play games and do nothing and i was like okay fine like i do see myself pursuing something i just don't know what it is quite yet and went to college autofilled business and halfway through business i was like um questioning i don't really enjoy this like it doesn't like interest me in any way but i was like but what is stopping me like what do i want to do and if nothing was in my way what would i do um and i was like i would love to be some sort of doctor like i would love to be a dermatologist like in a perfect world i would be a dermatologist um like i just grew up with skin issues like completely understand them and hated how everybody treated me and how most dermatologists treated me and i was like yeah i would totally love to do that and then i realized that um my whole life i kind of told myself that i wasn't intelligent and i couldn't do that and then i was like oh like let's just let's just do that let's just at least try um so i switched to biology do you still tell yourself that you're not intelligent enough to do that not often not often i i think that like uh through my degree and like going through that process i know that um i totally can it's just that if i'm willing to drop everything else i can like i said i didn't make any friends from college so at what expense did i was able to like get good grades and maybe be pre-med at the expense of not having friends sounds about right yeah getting good grades as a pre-med is impressive that's not easy to do it it took a lot like literally everything that i had in me to to work towards that you know just my experience was that i got terrible grades and didn't have any friends anyway so at least you got something out of it yeah of course i was both a loser and a failure sounds like you were just a loser so um yeah so then it says sounds like you started so were you like lonely in college oh my god i was so lonely um i thankfully had a really great boss i worked part-time and my boss i like developed such a great relationship with her name is cheryl and i love her like she is the seven-year-old woman she is just feisty she's um i just love her and so i had her thankfully and i would consider her a friend it's just that our age difference was really drastic so we couldn't like go and out and do anything really other than grab dinner and and so what was it can you tell me what what it was like to be lonely i heavily relied on my boyfriend at the time we had we dated for way too long i think because of that um so because i had met him like my like summer going into college but yeah we were with each other for the entirety of college which makes sense uh you know like we were good for each other i think when we while we needed each other kind of thing but yeah i was like didn't have friends to rely on like talk to my mom a lot and would vent to my boss but didn't really have anybody my age to like like anybody any girlfriends that i think are obviously really important um do you have girlfriends i have girlfriends now yeah how did that happen through streaming all my friends are through streaming um and like weird coincidences i think like my best friend is actually from where i'm from she was acquaintances with my ex so we met through my ex but then she ended up streaming and we ended up really bonding over that and now we're roommates oh cool yeah um and so what how did your uh what ended up happening with your ex boyfriend you guys said so it sounds like it was like a what you guys needed at the time and then you kind of grew out of it or what happened we so he started streaming before me which created an interesting dynamic in our relationship because his stream didn't do so well and mine did well enough to be full-time and uh that was really the decline of our relationship i actually found a lot of self-worth through streaming and uh every day and also just some empowerment um i've never really had anything that i've felt good at and i actually think that i feel pretty good at streaming i'm not sure what about it or like i couldn't pinpoint it to you and tell you like what i'm doing right i just feel confident doing so i can tell you what you're doing right oh i think you've ever yeah go ahead go ahead i've never watched the same way yeah you've never seen my stream i haven't seen your stream i don't need to see your stream oh that's interesting yeah i think you're very alive oh i would yeah yes yeah i think it's it's quite compelling well thank you i will i cherish those words cherish away my friend um no seriously i think it's it i can see i i think you have some like a certain like charisma right there's like yeah well a lot of life in there yeah my pink hair shows um but through streaming i i genuinely felt like i was good at something and so that changed the dynamic in our relationship because he used to be the one that was like good at everything more than me or um i don't know we were not like good with each other but we just happened to be with each other i felt like yeah so it sounds like maybe it was hard for him to watch you become more successful yeah and you know when your testicles started to outweigh his he noticed hard yeah yeah it's challenging um my wife wears the pants in the relationship too so that can sometimes be hard for me um okay so and and then so it sounds like so i'm a little bit curious you had mentioned trust and friendships as important um can you help me understand so it sounds like you actually have a fair number of friends now it sounds like um you know things maybe just ran their course with your ex-boyfriend are you seeing someone now if you don't mind me asking you don't have to i am seeing someone now yeah um so then so help me understand why trust or or friendships is kind of like something that you wanted to talk about or so i would say that until recently i have good friends and i would consider like my roommate's really good friends and then some of the people that i've met through streaming um it's just that my whole life friend it's like i have horse stories with friends or just people and it makes me uh try to reflect and be like well why did all these things happen to me and like what am i doing so wrong and it really scares me when approaching new friendships because especially with people that i cherish because i'm like oh when is it that they're going to realize like i'm this that and this and then decide to leave me or like like yeah does that have something to do with the intrusive thoughts yes um absolutely yes [Laughter] yes this sort of looks like a nutrition plan people are wondering that's what an intrusive thought looks like out of all the thoughts that you've had that you've shared over the last 45 minutes that is the intrusive one okay all right so tell me what happened with um we can we can we can get to the bottom of this i think okay um so tell go ahead oh so do you want to say something else no okay so tell me what what happened with your uh friends like before this most recent batch drama literally i can look back on the time of my life and i'm like okay yeah yep oh we're finally good and the good is now oh yeah an um middle school my uh elementary bully came to and switched my school good stuff wow they just follow you everywhere it's great yeah that's not funny so just like uh my parents were part of this business and i want to say that it was kind of like a kind of like a cult business probably i'm not sure they didn't really tell me much about it um but pretty much when they switch businesses when they're like oh yeah this is kind of scummy um the other individuals that like oh nice place i went to a school it was a private school and the parents that all went to that all worked at the same place obviously like flock together and they all had kids and so all the kids hung out so like the me and like i think five other girls four other girls we would all hang out um and then as soon as my parents were like oh yeah we're not gonna be part of this business anymore the parents are like oh you can't hang out with jody anymore because we're not hanging out with their parents anymore but as a kid i don't think i really understood that i think i was like i don't know people don't want to hang out with me like and then yeah but they were also like the kids were really mean about it specifically one girl but she was just really yeah not nice to me i would cry every day on the races i would literally bury a hole in the wood chips and dig myself out of the stairs and cry and i remember like calling my mom um third grade you're smiling because it's comedic to me i imagine my small self like burying myself with wood chips because i don't emotionally know how to understand this and i'm over it now in the sense that i understand like i'm aware enough to know that it wasn't a me thing it was definitely like a parent thing but it still affects me emotionally i just understand it a bit more like from bird's eye view what do you understand that it wasn't a me thing like i didn't do anything to make these girls hate me but they did after my parents or after their parents told me i think we can't hang out with you okay can i think for a second what games do you play jody um right now a lot of valerie okay i love minecraft okay rust among us but among us is okay um i love just fps games in general and puzzle games so like zelda favorite zelda game twilight princess try you know it's sleeper sleeper head did you ever play majora's mask uh i didn't like finish majora's masks i think in its entirety i ended up not liking it that much but i was also young and have not given it another try so it kind of scared me it's kind of it's kind of demonic yeah i mean toilet princess also do be kind of a little bit less dark yeah way more happy valley than or sorry what's uh uncanny valley you familiar with yes yeah so it's way creepier but um okay uh thank you for sharing that i know it's kind of a random question but i'm trying to just figure out what kind of analogies do i need to come up with in my head to help us understand uh so we're going to have to go towards zelda because i suck at fpss yeah and i've never really played minecraft i still don't really understand it to be honest it's okay it's it's you won't understand until you dig like 10 hours into it okay so maybe i should do that at some point um okay so let me ask you something have you ever so you've it sounds like you understand that you know those kids were being mean and it wasn't really your fault um and when you think about that girl who buries herself in wood chips have you done anything besides laugh like have you cried about that yes i definitely went through my emotional acceptance of it help me understand what that means like when i allow myself to feel really sad or like bad for myself it will go back to that time but it is not often i oftentimes will just laugh at it okay but you do let yourself is it when you're feeling bad now that your mind kind of returns to that time or do you let your mind go to that time and you feel bad in the present this is so interesting i was just talking on stream about how sometimes time to me feels very like sandwiched because my memories feel like i had lived in them yesterday yep so a lot of the times like let's say that something happens i will remember that feeling like if something similar happens in my life let's say related to friends or like i'm being wrong by a friend so it sounds like the present triggers the past you don't go and sit in the past and yeah okay cool yeah we're going to talk it's going to be good i think you're going to we're going to figure this out all right it sounds like you're halfway there already jody your understanding of time i think is quite sophisticated and a very important revelation okay now let me ask you another question so when you are living in the present and you travel back to the past do intrusive or intrusive thoughts part of that picture not in this so when i'm thinking of myself in the past does my past self have those interested thoughts no no so uh just ask me about the intrusion let me ask you about the intrusive thoughts can you tell me just a little bit about what you mean by intrusive thoughts um when i say intrusive thoughts it's mostly like my interactions with others how i affect others how others perceive me and how that will it relates to you because of how you're perceived yes and it and how i feel like i've been either betrayed or wronged or just like um not just not liked throughout my life and so i feel like there's something wrong with me which creates these intrusive thoughts but that i can't really pinpoint if i'm like lying to myself or if others are lying to me and it just intrusive in the sense that i'm like i must be inherently bad there must be something wrong with me that somebody just won't tell me and yeah okay so tell me what kind of in can you give me an example of intrusive thoughts uh like let's say i'm streaming with someone or like i'm collaborating with another streamer and i say something that's like me being myself uh i'll i'll like have a sudden moment of like should i have said that or because i'm showing a glimpse of myself this is like the last time that we'll be collaborating together because i'm just bad i'm terrible nobody likes me kind of thing um there's that laughter again so funny i deal with everything through humor also especially with streaming uh i like don't mind talking about my feelings and laughing about them because i want people to laugh with me like i don't want people to be sad for me so i laugh so that people mirror me because um i because i don't no uh i think especially with streaming i want people to feel happy on my stream like i want you to click on a quarter jade stream and be like yeah this is like a positive uplifting happy place where we occasionally talk about sadness but i don't leave feeling sad so if i talk about things that happen to me or don't laugh at the things that happen to me then you'll also feel bad you'll be like oh okay does that does that also apply outside of streaming like i can understand trying to create a particular kind of community or vibe on stream but do you feel like people are you okay with people being sad pitying you otherwise see i in yes but i will not often put myself in those situations to be pitied i guess you won't put those self does it feel uncomfortable to you when people feel sad for you or pity you i've never thought about that let me think about that um i don't think it makes me feel uncomfortable i just don't want people to feel that way in our experience like when conversating i guess it is not my main goal sure or like yeah let me ask you do you do you protect other people from feeling that way yeah why where does that come from from lack of protection i think that didn't take long no [Laughter] and what weren't you protected against uh yeah just mean and toxic experiences or people can you tell us about those the experiences in particular or um i remember like oh there's a lot one that stands out in particular is oh my god i was just talking about this on stream which is funny um the said girl who we are going to continue to go back to uh she we actually ended up becoming friends i i remember having this thought and i was like oh god we were so young i'm sure i could be friends with her now and we ended up like kind of getting along we would hang out and i would like go to her house and she is very she lives a very fortunate life she had this beautiful pool and this beautiful house i would go to her house often and i went swimming one day and then she ended up kind of merging with the popular crowd and so i was no longer her friend after that and uh i left my bathing suit on her house and i was like hey like i love bathing sure your house like can i come get it and she's like oh like i don't have it and then i was like oh shoot okay um then this is when instagram was rather new into society but uh her sister posted an instagram photo of her wearing the bathing suit i'm like yeah that's definitely my bathing suit um okay and then i in a message here i'm like hey like can i come grab this she's like no that's my sister's and i'm not even home and then okay this is my dad was probably wrong in allowing this too but my dad was like yeah let's just like go drive her to her house and go get it i'm like yeah okay hindsight i don't think that's a good i definitely should not have done that but um the winter house knocked on the door the dad answered and he's like oh hey jody i'm like hey i'm here to pick up my baby soon and he's like oh yeah go on upstairs and um she had another sister so uh the other sister was like oh like what are you doing here i was like hey i'm here to grab a bathing suit she's like oh cool it's like so it's in her room i grabbed it i left uh her sister obviously told her that i was there and then it ended up being this huge thing she's like i cannot believe that you would trespass into my house and steal my bathing suit i'm like okay but it was definitely mine but it has a like that is like one of those moments where it's really toxic and i know that she went and told a bunch of other people about it and said maybe things that weren't very true or from her point of view might have been and that like had altered the way that people saw me and the friendships from there on out that's [ __ ] up retweet wow man you just really get [ __ ] every time you stand up for yourself don't you what do you think about that okay the first thought to me was like well why and yep yeah but i also think that's why i'm really protective of others like i'm i'm like straight up mama bear for anybody that i care about and a lot of people that you don't care about that too i think it's yeah you're very protective i think it's quite an admirable quality and people even though you sometimes get the short end of the stick i think people benefit from having you in their lives for better or for worse um but why do you think how do you understand that why do you get smacked down every time you you know pop poke your head above ground um i just i don't really know if i have a direct like i don't feel like that's happening to me i guess like you say that i'm like oh yeah that like makes sense but when i do stand up for something it's more because i couldn't no i like can't go to bed at night if i didn't it will eat away at me can i think for a second so i'm going to just think out loud i may need to pause in the middle here but you know it's kind of interesting because when we think about these sorts of stories right where like you leave your bathing suit at a friend's house and she's like nope that was mine and then you know kind of it sounds like sometimes you tried to express yourself maybe with your dad and then that really didn't go well it sounds like there are a lot of times where you've tried to you know show people who you are be yourself and you've been punished for it and generally speaking you know when we think about that we think that the psychological consequences that you're like meek right is that like when someone gets knocked down like a thousand times like they're gonna learn how to stay down and they'll be like feel really bad about themselves and like have low self-esteem and things like that i don't think you have low self-esteem what do you think um until streaming i would say that i for sure had low self-esteem yep and have since grown i am i i have occasional low self-esteem sure of course everyone does but but you know you're not like a downtrodden like you seem to be confident you seem to be vibrant um i would not describe myself as confident but i am definitely how would you describe yourself uh definitely like fake it till you make your confidence i want to be perceived as confident and therefore i kind of like just act accordingly but deep down i don't feel confident and i don't feel confident in the words that i say i've just like conditioned myself to be like okay well now speak how do you feel about the words you say um sometimes really good i'm like happy that i am open and then sometimes i'm like the whole reason why people don't like you is because you talk so just stop talking but then i'm like at a turmoil and i'm like i have to be confident because i don't and i have to stay up for this but at the same time yeah so i'm going to be a little bit judgmental here i think you're confident and i think confidence is so foreign to you that you don't know what it looks like so let me try to parse this out a little bit okay so if there's a part of you that says deep down inside you just hypothesize okay i could be wrong but let's let's take a look at it and then you let me know whether i'm right or i'm wrong because i don't know what's going on inside um so you know there's a part of you that's like i want to speak and then there's another part of you that's like no no don't speak that's stupid when you speak bad things happen is that fair is that the conflict so that's really interesting because i don't detect any con lack of confidence there so i'll give you an example of what lack of confidence is don't speak because you're dumb but i'm not hearing that from you i'm hearing that you've learned that there are consequences to your actions but not when i think about someone who's not confident intrinsically they don't think that their words have merit i'm not hearing that you don't think intrinsically that you lack merit i think you just you know you've been traumatized yeah actually right because if you think about it like i'm sure you've had friends or you've felt in the past like you intrinsically don't have merit right like you're like there's something wrong with me but that inner conflict that i hear now is not like i should i feel like speaking and then the other part of your voice is like no you shouldn't because that's dumb you're dumb sit down and shut up it's like people are gonna get frustrated if you do that and that by the way may be legitimate right so i think that um you know you have a lot of bitter and if you don't know what that is i'll explain it in a second but in ayurveda the iv is traditional indian medicine and pitta is um so like they sort of diagnose personalities based on like elements so you are like sort of like a fire type and there's a really interesting um sign of your bit though which is the insides of the palms of your hands and the color of them right so i know that you have a lot of um i know that i'm assuming you're wearing makeup i can't really tell um but and then i'm assuming that you know your hair is not normally this color so like people with bitters a high amount of bit that that's correlated with redness in their body and so the palms of your hands um you know are quite red right so it's kind of interesting so if you look at the palms of my hands they're like whitish right yeah so you've got a lot of color there um so and bit this also are kind of like angry they're fiery they're logical they don't take things lying down they stand up for themselves um so that's maybe just a conversation for a different day but i think that like yeah i don't think that you lack confidence i think i think you've just you're trying to figure out like why when you express yourself like people like you've learned that when you express yourself like sometimes it doesn't go well and people like mistreat you which i think sort of makes sense i can sort of understand what you mean also if you say you're not confident because um it does sound like you have thoughts floating around in your head that there's something inherently wrong with you that's a lack of confidence right but i think that those thoughts and i guess i'm gonna so here's what i think by the way because i've started to do that and so let me know you know if it i could be completely wrong let me know what resonates with you and what doesn't but the way that i understand it um is that you know jody you were like so these so let's think about intrusive thoughts for a second so intrusive thoughts are thoughts that are unwanted right that's why we call them intrusive and what they kind of do is they sort of like spawn in your mind like you're like going around about your day like duh duh duh duh like i'm gonna eat a taco and then like this thought spawns in your mind and it's like there's something inherently wrong with you you're like [ __ ] like where is that coming from like i was just trying to eat a taco and there you go again mind telling me that there's something inherently wrong with me it's like oh like hey like do you want to hang out sometime and you're like yeah i want to hang out you go hang out with your friend hey do you want to move in together and your roommate's like hey we should live together that'd be totally awesome you're like yeah that'd be totally awesome you're like that dude and it's like hey there's something inherently wrong with you may [ __ ] it up be careful it's like what the [ __ ] like why does that happen like no no like she likes me she wants me to move in with her this is great we're having fun we've hung out a lot like why are you doing this to be mined where is this coming from and so it's intrusive because much like yourself it shows up at your house invites itself in and takes your bathing suit right it just comes in and it's like but here's the really scary thing because it actually has a right to be there just like you had a right to be there right because here's the thing about intrusive thoughts so intrusive thoughts like get spawned right they're like spawning like there's like a portal somewhere in your subconscious that every now and then gets triggered and then like spawns a mob and then you have to like fight against the intrusive thought and sometimes you kill it and sometimes you don't it sounds like you've gotten pretty good at dealing with them but they keep coming back and you're like confused because despite your confidence despite your success despite the fact that you have friendships i'm assuming just based on what we haven't talked about or that it hasn't come up that your relationship with your boyfriend is pretty good seems like a cool dude um you know because like we've talked about anyway so you want to have a lot of fun we can talk about him but um you know so it seems like you actually do trust people it sounds like you are standing up for yourself like if you have a dad who gets angry all the time and throws things like over the banister and you lack confidence it's really hard at the age of 23 especially being a woman to like stand up to a father figure and say like hey this is not okay that doesn't compute for me that this person has low confidence right because like you know inside yourself that like this is the right thing to do and like it needs to be said i think the reason that you call yourself not confident is because you have the intrusive thoughts but like what i want you to understand is that there's you and then there's like this machine over here that's like spawning this portal that's just spawning the intrusive thoughts but that's not really you because you're confident it's just there's this like bit of malware running in the background that is like pop-up ad pop-up ad hey people don't like you hey be careful because they're gonna steal your bathing suit hey and you're like how the [ __ ] do i get this to stop okay does that make sense that resonate with you or okay all right so let's try to understand like where do these portals come from like like and so this is where in in my experience um i like the system of like eastern philosophy or like eastern system of mind so this is where um you know you could go to see a therapist for something like this absolutely but i i really like the eastern conception of like what they say about this kind of stuff which is basically that like there's that little girl so like i want you to think about what was going through your head when you would bury yourself in wood chips like do you remember what kind of thoughts you had um it was specifically after the girls had said some not very nice things to me and they're like yeah we think go away and i remember i wanted to not be there but it was recess i had nowhere else to go yeah and do you remember what you thought about yourself i don't remember specifically anything about like myself i just felt sad and confused i guess unwanted it's like the first thing that comes to mind yeah so that's that's important right because if i think about the i've hypothesized what some of your intrusive thoughts are and i think unwanted is a great way to encapsulate like what is the label on that portal right it's like i'm like be careful jody because they may not want you they want you to move in with them but be careful because if they really know who you are they won't want you anymore right and so i can tell by your face that that's hurts a little bit when i say it right so what are you feeling right now how that makes me really sad and like how it's also unfair to others for me to have that judgment of them or like to think that they are go like uh the other struggle that i have is like people are telling me no jody we love you like i'm here for you i'm not gonna randomly leave you and then i'm like well i know but and then like not only am i sad i'm not like disrespecting their words and how does that make you feel about yourself not good yeah right so you blame yourself for fearing and so now like there's been a big change like you've been really vibrant you've been really open now you're sitting back your arms are crossed right so like we're getting there so now what we're doing is like so these feelings are there and um you know so like this is i i think how we're going to have to work through this because i think the the issue here is that you do have that little kernel of like doubt and then like there's a lot of self-blame there too because like if you think about it even now the way that when you get mad at yourself right like you think that you're the one who's at fault so like like you're mature and you can understand that you didn't really do anything wrong back then but even now there's actually a second portal which is like it's your fault do you see how that's like but that's just as wrong as the first one um i don't like see you say that and i can logically agree and then i think back on myself in these moments and i'm like there's just no way that every single person that has wronged me is like one way straight okay this girl saw me bathing bathing suit well then i'm like it was so long ago that i'm and i feel this way and she was so vehemently like affected by it as well and like you know that i'm like well what if it wasn't her bathing or like what if it was her bathing suit and that can relate to any other situation too i'm like well what if it wasn't my parents switching work like what if they just didn't like me this whole time and they finally got the chance to not be friends with me anymore and that was why they were so mean on top of just like having to distance himself from me okay give me a give me a moment i was very helpful that you said that jody yeah that's all the same thing okay so let me so so what we've got to do is we've got to understand what are the different processes that are running in your mind and where do they come from so i'm going to lay out like a little bit of a like system okay so your mind has a conscious layer and it has an unconscious layer right and so what happens is anytime we feel a lot of emotional pain that that that hurt goes dormant and sort of becomes malware and then sends pop-ups so like you know if we think about like a phobia for example like if i you know get attacked by a dog and then like the next day i'm like gaming and playing halo it's like no big deal my conscious mind is completely fine and then i hear a dog bark inside my house and i'm like oh [ __ ] and then that dormant fear of the dog that came from the trauma surfaces in my mind and starts generating all these thoughts even though there may be like maybe like the tv or something like that i may not actually be in any logical danger but my mind doesn't give a [ __ ] because that emotion is there and it like spawns thoughts so just now you said i think a really telling use a telling sentence that makes me think that this is actually an echo from the past which is when you say oh they finally had the excuse to get rid of me right so that is a thought from a non-confident person that's why you're kind of saying so like if you think about the thinker who generates that thought that thinker believes that they are not intrinsically valuable and so if we think about it like that's kind of confusing because you're confident in yourself but then you have this like portal that's like spawning that has these lingering beliefs and just like me hearing a dog what actually happens is your mind has this function where i know it sounds so simple but what your mind does is look at the environment and then figure out which unconscious programs to turn on right so if i hear my child crying my subconscious mind is going to activate like go into dad mode and then if i'm like you know if q pops when i'm playing a game of dota my mind is like forget about that mode go into wrecking shitties mode right so like your mind is like constantly opening up programs that are appropriate and so what i think is happening with you is that you've you as you encounter situations with new friendships that seem to be going in the right direction your mind is like hold on a second we've been here before and be careful because when this person bullied you and this is so this is why it's so [ __ ] traumatized it's so interesting because like she bullied you once but what really hurts is that y'all became friends and then she did it again right like that's so much worse like she was she had grown up and y'all were supposed to be friends and y'all sort of were friends and so then your mind learns that friends are gonna steal my bathing suits and so then you're going along and then your your roommate and best friend is like hey let's be roommates and then there's this part of your mind that's like hold on a second we've been here before she's gonna take your bathing suit and then she's gonna talk [ __ ] about you to everyone that you know and then they're gonna realize everyone's gonna realize that i'm a bad person right but the the i know it's weird so what are you penny for your thoughts because i don't know where you are right now right as you said that i it's not actually that i uh so it's more of so i specifically think of my roommate right now who i think really highly of i actually like is when i think about what would happen i'm like she's just this great well-rounded woman that i view herself highly that she's gonna look at me and be like and then it's not so much talk [ __ ] it's just that she's gonna realize that she can have just better friends than me yeah okay so so the talk [ __ ] was off but that you will be revealed right to be worth less than what you're faking it like everyone is is you know oh she like did her hair like oh that's so great but she doesn't realize that i'm not really worth a whole lot and so i can understand why you feel sort of like like obviously that's not confidence but what i think this is is a some scar which is the sort of buried emotion and somewhere along the way your mind kind of learned that you are not worth very much and so what happens is as long as that core belief is sitting in your subconscious it's going to continue spawning these thoughts because that's kind of what it does it's sort of like you know it's like a generator it's like a thought generator and there are some situations that are going to trigger them the interesting thing is that you can get rid of that so i think if you haven't seen a therapist like a therapist sounds like it would be like a good move for you and like work through some of these things it's not the only way to get rid of it but it's something that i'd highly recommend that you try um what do you think about that by the way i've always wanted a therapist um it was just like the means of finding one and also just delegating the time for one okay so um you know just as an aside so so therapy is really designed to treat diagnose and treat mental illnesses right so it can be used for a lot more than that but what i really think about is like therapy is about bringing people up to baseline like if they're below baseline the other thing you could always try because it's quite accessible and and easy is you could try our coaching program i think there's now a specific deal that we have with twitch where they're supporting that kind of thing um and a lot of creators seem to be like getting help from it so um you know i can send you more information about either we will send you information about how to find a therapist if you're interested or how to sign up for the coaching program and i'd be curious um you know whether you would find that helpful or not but our coaches are sort of trained in this methodology of like trying to understand like you know where does this stuff come from um where was i going yeah so i think that uh jody the other thing to kind of just think about is that like when i say some of these words and you feel hurt now this is going to get weird okay because that is bringing the past into the present so you were saying that you usually go from the present into the past right so the way that you digest the way that you close control all delete and and task that thing because i want you to think about it like an emotional echo it's like you had all that hurt like there's just so much hurt back then and you've learned how to wall it off with humor so like you've learned how to minimize the pop-up so it's like just sitting there at the bottom of your taskbar but it's still taking up ram you don't see it anymore and you kind of laugh like any every time you like instead of hitting the x you learn how to minimize and that's what humor is and you have a lot of humor and so like the more you laugh like the more there's something there you know and so the way that you close it is by bringing that past into the present and see like already now you're like a little bit more relaxed your arms are uncrossed like i'd imagine you're feeling less emotion because we're processing it right you were like then like now it's like okay so like it kind of gets lighter and over time like that emotional energy will like start to dwindle as you like sit with it now and um uh what i would kind of say is that like i understand that 23 year old jody has understood all these things and you're like a grown and strong and capable woman who's moved out and is financially independent and like you're confident right it's so confusing because there's like also the like seven-year-old jody is floating around in your unconscious and you carry her with you because she never like processed because kids don't questions i'm absorbing okay i'm just trying to think about whether i have other things to say yeah so let's just sit with that for a second and then like let me know process and then let me know if you have thoughts or questions it's an interesting thought to me to consider my 23 year old self as this and my seven year old self is this rather than this yep yeah that's what's really confusing for people right as we think of our our mind as monolithic but like you're clearly a confident person jody and you're also clearly not confident at times so how can those two contrary things exist and what the yogis figured out is that the mind is not a thing it is a fluctuation so fluctuations at a particular wavelength produce a particular sound and fluctuations at a different wavelength produce a different sound so in the right circumstance hopefully when you're with your boyfriend or hanging out with your mom you produce a particular wavelength where you feel confident and good in yourself and there's certain circumstances that will hit a certain twang on your guitar string it'll hit a different guitar string it'll create a different fluctuation in your mind and then you'll feel less confident and so people are confused but like that's how it works and so is it essentially what we can do by like bringing the past into the present i if you want to i can we can do more of that i'll basically say things that are going to make you feel more of the hurt come up right because i know how to tune your guitar strings and so i can you know say things to you that are going to be like empathic and i will pity you and then it's going to like bring up this emotion right if i start to feel sad for you it's gonna like it's gonna be weird you're gonna try to laugh it off for a little while and then like you know but if i persist and i don't let you squirrel away and like make me smile and if i persist in being sad for you then like something weird is gonna happen i just don't know that we want to go there today does that make sense it is so interesting to me that i have subconsciously been doing that like i really really ha i don't want people to feel bad for me yeah i'm like really intrigued by that i didn't really notice that i as much as i want to talk and tell people my story at the same time i don't want that exact story to make people sad or like feel bad for me you want to go there or enough for today seriously what's wrong with making people feel sad [Music] um i don't i guess i don't think to myself it's wrong to make people feel sad yeah i know i just think that i approach conversations or just whatever in general as i want to make people laugh why is that important to you it brings me joy like it makes me feel fulfilled yeah okay so it's definitely like also a selfish thing like i'm approaching this conversation to make you laugh which in turn makes me feel fulfilled which is like streaming like i want to farm little w's not like decolons i i don't know what that means they're just emotes okay pretty much i just don't call in a penis no okay cuz you know what penis is a part of the d the d is the so is so many other things part of the d um it's one of the three it's a bunch of colons followed by a d is that not the same yeah anyways it's like the sadness shock e-boat okay okay oh yeah these are like the cheat codes where if you type in something it shows an emote yeah i recently discovered that i was figuring out how to make a fish i figured out the fish is four o's okay do you feel fulfilled now yeah interesting right so we can make you laugh and then feel fulfilled so what's it like if we don't laugh how do you feel um i may have just screwed it up by the way if we were gonna try to go there i may have just destroyed the emotional wavelength but whatever i maybe for another day i can't just i don't maybe like it's not uncomfortable unsettled maybe or like it can't end there like if we end the conversation sad i like cannot okay right so so what i'm hearing is that you can't sit with the sadness yeah right so like that's so until you can sit with the sadness the intrusive thoughts will continue right so what we've got to do is like let seven-year-old jody like come and sit in our lap and we've got to let her cry and we just have to like kind of be there with her and let her cry and like pat her on the back you know we don't need to distract her with jokes and tell her everything's okay like we have to sit with her and tell her like hey what happened to you is not okay and it's not fair that you feel like you're a bad person because you're not a bad person and it's really really sad that they have done something to you to make you feel and believe that you are not a good person and that you are not worth being friends with and you don't deserve that and you didn't do anything wrong foreign foreign what was that like for you well the whole time i'm like see no jokes no no cracking up but i also like i it's like so a part of me wants to hear those words and allow that and allow me to feel those raw emotions and then the other part of me is like he cannot yeah what would happen if i did i just feel like a motion that i show that is not calculated is wrong okay so i can take that i think we're at a good stopping point for today if you have more thoughts and questions i think that's totally fine but what i mean to say is that i think we've reached a good spot and we shouldn't push any further i think we've reached the limit of how far i understand that you're willing and enthusiastic consciously i think subconsciously this is like this was hard for you and so i i think you did a great job but i don't think we should push anymore so a couple of things one is you got to give this time right because for years if not decades um you haven't like you know that he cannot is like that's a strong like you that there's a lot of strength behind that does that make sense it's like a minotaur it's like not no is what it's saying and so that we have to we don't want to force it it's going to have the opposite result right so like what we're doing is like when you're under the bridge or under the stairs and in a pile of wood chips what we don't want to do is like i'm not going to reach my hand and like yank you out and i'm like you don't have to be down there i'm going to no no no what we're going to do is we're going to sit outside we're going to sit right by the stairs and we're going to be like jody whenever you're ready i'm here if you want to come out and we can talk about it and then jody's like no i'm not no go away and so we're just going to sit and we're going to be patient so you need to give yourself some time another thing to think about because you are a streamer is that um you know when we talk about boundaries so we should really think about whether this is the kind of thing that are we making it hard for you harder than it needs to be or that it deserves to be because you're talking about it on stream so we want to create an environment where maybe privacy would help you come out more definitely something to think about right because you do say i don't want people to feel this way so like that's fine leave your streamer persona how it is but you get to have a space maybe privately like you can kind of think through that um but i really encourage you to like learn how to sit with it because i i think like she's been down there for a while and like she doesn't you know and she's like under the stairs and then like you're going about your business and then occasionally she'll sob and send a thought your way right so thoughts about that questions does that sound okay to you yes okay i am really welcoming the idea of seeing myself underneath the stairs covered in wood chips and seeing that as myself but also seeing that as like just a little girl that i would comfort and treat a little differently yeah you gotta treat her like your cat yeah that's that's what the girl under the stairs needs right like she just you know and and i think that like by the way this is what we call like i know there are a bunch of instagram posts about self-compassion that's what that is by the way right so i think you're really good at protecting other people you're really good at making them laugh but i don't know that you're actually compassionate towards yourself i can tell that you're kind of a treat yo self kind of person like i get that i get that you're like about living which is it but that's 23 year old you mm-hmm and i get that i get that vibe um but i you know that's self-compassion and it's something that's hard to learn cool cool um so i also often times will teach people how to meditate i'm sort of drawing a blank there but i'm curious are you interested in meditation yes okay [ __ ] i have to come up with something okay i'm gonna need a minute is that okay that's fine what are we gonna what kind of meditation helps for being buried in wood chips i want to teach you something fun but what do i know that's fun what's gonna help you have you tried meditation before okay so i also try to teach a little bit of variety but it's occurring to me that maybe what we need to do is just because we've never had done meditation we still got to start with the basics we can't jump straight to advanced techniques so i'm gonna tell you you've got two options you've got one that's energetic and one that's common which one do you want okay so i'm gonna teach you how to chant okay we're gonna do ohm chanting this is gonna sound weird all right so i gotta i can't i've learned how to not leak things so i gotta move to push to talk and this gets really confusing for everyone because i forget to push push to talk so you probably can't hear me anymore yeah yeah so i'm gonna forget to push push to talk a lot so it's gonna be rough on you okay so um this this we have to do just because of the way that discord voice activity picks up the chant oh so i'm gonna chant om um so om is composed of three syllables ah and the reason that we sort of do that is because om starts with a fully open mouth so open your mouth as loud as you can or wow wide as you can and then make a sound right now yeah yeah try as wide as i can yeah and then make sound ah there you go see there's ah right okay and then close your mouth entirely and then make a sound there we go right so that's the ah and the um and in the middle of those is going to be the ooh so um got got me so that's actually where so like this looks pretty confusing because people is like oh om is like the fundamental sound of the universe man it's not it's really not i mean sure it's the fundamental sound of the universe you know if you're a yoga calendar but what it really is it's just like uh okay so that's ohm so we're gonna do is chant it five times i want you to really use your testicles to their maximum when you're chanting okay and so i'm going to demonstrate once and then we'll do it once together we'll check in for a second just make sure that you feel comfortable doing it and then we'll do like five rounds okay so i'm gonna sit up straight so it's important when you meditate that your back be straight so since you're pre-med i'm gonna ask you questions that will test your ability to you know be a surgeon so what are the different positions that your back can be straight lying down yes yep and standing up right so those are the three beautiful right so like it perfect so that's why those are the three positions that we can do when we meditate another little tip um how tall are you five three and do your feet touch the floor when you're in your chair no are your feet down right now i have a yoga block you have a yoga block where oh beneath your feet my feet okay so so this is what i want you to do can you sit cross-legged uh yes okay so but this is gonna be tricky you're gonna have to put the cat down because what i want you to do is sit on the yoga block put your butt on the yoga block and then sit cross-legged so that how big is yoga block is small right yes my yoga block is small yeah so i want you to sit on it like under your bum oh on my chair yeah on your chair and so that you're but i want you to notice so let's just put let's let's start with this put the cat down say honey okay what's the cat oh he said he's like where am i okay no yoga block yet no yoga block yet okay okay okay cross-legged first just sit cross-legged indian style if you want to culturally appropriate something okay so notice what your back is doing what's your back doing uh yeah perky uh nobody can see jody oh no one can see jody thanks wife okay so um so it you're gonna be slumping a little bit maybe you feel that no no okay so now i want you to sit on the yoga block but like not don't have your feet on the yoga block like sit just elevate your butt okay grabbing my yoga block okay oh my gosh now try to sit cross-legged i can't hear you and now try to sit cross-legged oh oh tell us what happened it's comfy it's like this is much comfier your back is naturally straight right yeah it's weird physics taller now yeah yeah i think you're five five definitely okay so now i'm gonna demonstrate so we're gonna sit up straight okay okay and then i'll demonstrate one round [Music] got it yes okay like i said use your testicles yeah i'm impressed by how long you were able to hold that yeah it doesn't need to be that long okay okay um so deep breath in and let's begin great job couple things to do one is eyes need to be closed secondly is if you bob your head around your back is not straight spine needs to stay straight okay nope none of this bobbing of the heads that's too much cultural appropriation you only get to do that if you're indian okay so back straight we're gonna do it again okay and then so eyes closed it's a big deep breath ah ooh and um [Music] [Laughter] [Music] good i definitely cannot hold it as long as you that's okay so just just just do it we'll shorten it okay so i want you to do whatever you're comfortable with in terms of the length and i want you did great you may feel a little bit silly or self-conscious i want you to just chant through it so we're going to do five rounds in a row um let me just think about whether do you feel comfortable leading and all kind of follow your lead or do you want me to lead okay you lead okay so i'll follow you so you go forward eyes closed five rounds and then after we're done i want you to just stay silent with your eyes closed i know this is gonna sound weird sit in the post post-meditation space you can continue to breathe and stuff i know it sounds weird you'll understand when we get there just hang out after we're done with the practice and when you're ready to open your eyes do you want to sit on a pillow instead of the block would that be easier i'm struggling on the block all right but thankfully i have a plethora of pillows here all right there we go okay back straight take it away jody okay [Music] beautiful [Music] great again [Music] three more [Music] [Music] oh last one big deep breath oh [Music] you if you're ready you can go ahead and come on back okay it came back a little bit earlier to be honest but you you're nice and then i can tell i could tell i could tell you just have a lot of trouble just sitting [ __ ] still so we'll teach you that yeah so this is why i like to combine meditation so if you want to see a therapist i think we're going to send you some information everyone who comes on stream will send you like a guide of how to find a therapist and stuff like that um you know if you want to sign up for the coaching program whatever but here's the cool thing so i think meditation works very synergistically with therapy if you decide to go that route because what we're going to literally teach you how to do is sit and just sit with what you feel without reacting to it right because right now jody what you really the biggest thing that i'd say you need to grow is like you need to be able to sit with things without reacting to them very reactive i mean don't get me wrong it's a beautiful reaction but it's still like reactive you can't tolerate so many things and so just sit you're fine you're perfect just the way you are you don't need people to think differently you don't need to be different you don't need to have a different color hair you don't need to do this you don't need to do that you're great just the way you are your cat understands this cat doesn't want you to be different you're just be you feel me yeah okay see that was good you sat with it that's good questions thoughts before we wrap up for the day i do not have any okay well thank you very much for coming on good thank you for having me yes it was awesome yeah i i feel really good about this yeah and good luck to you and you know keep us posted and and you know if you ever need us to attack anyone who is wrong to you just let us know because we're good at that okay let me know if anyone wrongs you i'm good at that too cool okay so take care and good luck and uh you know keep us posted all right you too bye bye so who are we rating um who we rating i can't tell is is foosley a real person i i feel like you guys are trolling me

Channel: HealthyGamerGG

Views: 209,802

Rating: 4.9687934 out of 5

Keywords: mental health, drk, dr kanojia, healthygamergg, healthy gamer gg, twitch, psychiatrist, quarterjade, offlinetv quarterjade, jodi offlinetv, jodi, intrusive thoughts, meditation

Id: 2cocDtxotBE

Length: 103min 25sec (6205 seconds)

Published: Sat Jan 16 2021