How Parents' Standards Still Affect Us ft. Natsumiii

and it's sort of like you know they'll never tell you they're proud of you to your face but they'll let the rest of the world know yeah yeah and it's kind of weird because like they not only do they not tell you to your face they actually tell you the opposite thank you for coming on stream today yes thanks for having me everyone has cats what's up with that um i don't know it's just uh i don't know it's just you know uh you had jody on last right yeah we just have cats we just do yeah and what is that circular thing in in that it's the cat portal to the cat world i'm just kidding it's a cat wheel so it is a cat portal to a captain yeah yeah pretty much wait what does that mean it's a cat wheel oh it's like like like a hamster wheel for cats is that that's the best but do they actually run on it yes yes you just train yeah you train them to kind of like get used to getting on it and one of my cats who's a siamese cat he loves like going on it randomly throughout the day yeah it just goes out on his own just goes on a run interesting cool and um and and so what do you go by do you want to uh you could just call me wendy it's okay yeah welcome wendy i'm all over you know sometimes people call me dr k whatever you feel comfortable with um and so is there something um that that you wanted to talk about today or or any way that maybe we can be of help to you uh so i've been wanting to kind of like tackle the feeling of i guess i don't know if i really i guess it is anxiety and i guess i'm not entirely sure what it might be but it's it's more like um i guess i stream a lot uh and i've gone weeks where like i stream maybe like 12 hours every single day and with like with little breaks and i find that when i do like i know i need breaks and uh when i take them i end up feeling like crap the whole day that i take a day off okay yeah so it's just i guess uh i just want to talk about like why i might feel like crap every time i try to rest okay um okay so first of all i applaud your instinct to not just call it anxiety yeah i'm not entirely sure it might be but like yeah so i i think that that's um i'm really i think that's a great way to start off because a lot of times like you know people will say oh i have anxiety and it's unclear like what that means right like what is what does that mean and so i find that the more that we can like use a specific like the more that we use like raw data to describe our experiences the better off we're going to be like actually getting to the source of it so let's dive right in i think that's a fantastic thing to talk about so tell me um help me understand hold on let me think for a second do we want to jump right in or do i want to ask you about your background okay let's jump right in and then i'll ask you about your background a little bit later okay so tell me so first tell me help me understand like what goes through your head when you stream like 12 hours a day for like six or seven days a week i guess well generally it's because whatever i'm doing my is just really fun like whether it's like the new game that i've really like dove into or like just spending time with uh friends who are also playing the same game i think we kind of just like we give each other that momentum to kind of keep like creating content and like you know it's in general it's really fun okay sometimes i just forget the time um okay and then sometimes i just i just feel like i don't stream long enough there's like this there's this part of me where my norm is like to stream six to eight hours and i consider that on the shorter side of things but i know like when i compare to my peers a lot of them stream maybe like four to six which is their normal but then for me it's like much higher in hours um and i feel like if i don't hit that number for myself i feel like i'm slacking yeah okay okay so tell me about that so like you're streaming six eight hours and then you kind of feel like it's not enough and that you're slacking can you um help me understand a little bit about like what's going on in your mind like what does his thoughts look like or what do those feelings look like um i guess like i don't i don't i i feel i guess personally i feel better or like i feel more fulfilled when i've streamed longer than if i stream like for like two three hours i'll be like oh it's like i didn't work at all you know okay just yeah i just it just feels like i didn't do anything sure so like the length of it kind of matters to me and um how do you know when you've streamed enough when i get tired i guess that's like one of one of the biggest indicators i just feel physically tired okay yeah so it looks like unless you're physically tired you haven't streamed enough i guess yeah right it's kind of weird so let me just let me lay something out and see if this kind of sits well with you or not so like six to eight hours roll by you've been streaming and you're like oh like i know most streamers stream four to six i've streamed six to eight on paper that seems like it should be decent but it doesn't feel enough and i haven't done a good job unless i'm physically exhausted i guess yeah it sounds bad but yeah i guess that is what it is right yeah okay so so let's just pause for a second i know sometimes i'm going to use words wendy that are um purposely inflated right so like you use the word tired and i said physically exhausted which is like i'm amplifying the word that you're using right but i'm sort of really noticing that like you know it's i'm guessing it's actually not tired like i'm guessing that you have to really feel the physical tiredness and if you think about like you know you could work a full day like let's say an eight-hour day and you're still you don't feel like tired tired even though you kind of are tired right that's a sufficient day like if you want to really feel that ache in your bones kind of tired which is like how your how your body is sending signals to your mind and saying like hey we can't do any more and then your mind is like good job wendy yeah right it's like that's satisfying i mean you use the word fulfilling and and and so that's you know it's interesting so we'll get into that um so the first thing that i kind of want to point out to you is that it seems that like you set a bar for yourself and the way to meet that bar is physical exhaustion yes okay and so um okay hold on let me let me just think okay okay and now tell me about what happens when you take a day off um i guess like i'm just as much as a consumer like any other twitch viewer so i watch a lot of like my friends um watch watch a lot of just other streams i end up feeling like i think at the end of the day i just end up feeling like i should have streamed today okay tell me about that um i don't know i guess i just i just see them and i'm just like oh i i could have also been you know streaming i could have also been like doing this but instead i'm just feeling like i'm sitting here not doing a whole lot which is just relaxing mostly or like sleeping in or watching dramas or something yeah okay it doesn't feel entirely productive and i am aware that i do need to rest and stuff but i just i just feel like crap when i'm not working okay okay so i'm gonna do this thing where you know once again i'm gonna kind of send words back at you and it's gonna sound a little bit extreme okay okay so so it feels like you know when you're relaxing you're not doing anything like you should have done this you could have done this on paper like there's some part of your mind that's like you know i should rest from time to time like i should do things for recreation and then there's another part of you that like it's a waste of time wendy no recreation for you yeah recreation and it's also like like if you think about it you feel like uncomfortable relaxing yes um i mean i would even go as far as to say it's stressful to relax kind of i think like sometimes there are times where i'm like this is nice you know what i mean but then at the end i just i just remember like at the end of every night i just feel like i end up always debating on the day that i rest that i should just turn on my stream i was just like if i'm gonna be gaming i'll just i should just turn on my stream you know what i mean like why am i not like why am i gaming yeah i might as well might as well be productive yeah yeah i guess that's the thought that goes through my mind okay a lot [Music] questions anything that you want to mention or anything that's popped into your head because i'm about to shift gears unless that's why i ask sorry oh no not at the moment so let me ask you something i'm getting the sense so i'm gonna toss out two words that i think may be like a way to describe what you go through like the negative stuff in your mind is not enough so six to eight hours is not enough like on a on day that you didn't stream that's not enough right like it's it's sort of like it feels unsatisfying to you so you use the word fulfilling when you're like kind of like bone tired and and that's like that's enough that's how you know it's enough so so what i'm hearing you kind of say is that you like kind of are in a struggle with yourself about like getting to enough and unless you get to enough you're kind of like it's not enough yeah okay so let me ask you something how long have you felt that way um a long time i don't know it's it's been a long time like yep yeah like years i would say yep before you started streaming i guess it was it started maybe like a year or two after i started streaming i've been streaming for almost eight years okay so it's been a long time so can you tell me a little bit about um kind of like what your what growing up was like for you uh growing up i mean it was it was good i i did a lot of music growing up okay um it was like one of those stereotypical situations where like my chinese parents kind of like made me go do piano lessons and uh i ended up being pretty okay at it so i ended up pursuing it for my entire life and uh yeah i went to like music conservatory during the weekends after like school regular school so i had like two schools basically um and then and yeah i don't know i don't know what else to say about it it was just like a lot of uh i mean it was nice just cause i can't i'm not so you're you're telling me wendy that you went to music conservatory after school and you were pretty okay at it pretty pretty okay at it okay who would you say is good at piano would you say you're good at piano i think i'm okay yeah is okay different from good um uh i mean i don't i would just consider people who are good you know people who are doing it professionally you know who people who are like concert pianists people who are performing you know who do it as an occupation okay yeah interesting okay so do you remember like what so it sounds like you're chinese yes and um what part of the world did you grow up in if you don't mind me asking i'm born and raised in canada okay yeah and um and so what was it like like siblings i have one older sibling he's my brother yeah okay and can you tell me a little bit about your parents um they moved here uh when i was born because there was like the one child law in china so they had my brother they moved here um and they worked a lot of just like odd jobs because they weren't like super educated um they just graduated high school so they worked a lot of like different odd jobs and uh they used to have like a convenience store and stuff and then afterwards like you know just a lot of different odd jobs like security jobs and like you know things and things like that um yeah like they and what was it like kind of what can you tell me a little bit about like what life at home was like it was honestly like it was just very normal feeling to me um i remember actually my parents cared a lot more about how i did in piano than i did in regular school which was really funny because i remember like i used to get like 80s which is not that great you know compared to like what other people might expect you know you want like 90s and stuff but they didn't really care whether i got 80s or 90s they cared whether i practiced piano or not and what was it like how did it feel when would they be satisfied with how much you practiced like do you remember any days where like they were upset with you or or maybe you didn't want to practice and they were like they really wanted you to practice um sorry i don't know why i'm feeling emotional anyways um pause don't answer my question what are you feeling just add i think like thinking about this topic makes me feel like just bad in general but i also feel like i need to talk about it so yeah so let's set a couple of boundaries right so the first thing is that should you talk about it at some point probably it doesn't have to be here it doesn't have to be now it doesn't have to be public right so if at some point you get to a point where you don't really feel comfortable talking about it like we can just pause and watch cat videos together and and at the same time i think it is important and i think there's a reason why we're talking about it so when you when we start to talk about it what about this makes you feel bad i think it's just i never feel like it's enough at least for myself yeah yeah and so you know just to kind of lay this out when i ask you about practicing piano and your your parents being satisfied i'm guessing that they sort of made you feel like it wasn't enough yeah i think i think it was always like like you know you need to practice more you need to practice more and it was it was the same throughout like ever like my whole entire life i guess it wasn't only my parents but like my teachers my professors because i ended up doing it in university too because i have a degree in piano so it was it was always like are you not practicing like four to six hours a day of piano you know it was like it was always like that did you feel like you had to practice more than other people who were more talented than you were um sometimes i think there's just like there was like a bot like a average amount that everybody should have been practicing regardless and then obviously you know there are some peers who are better than me and so you know you have to make up for it with hard work yep that's just natural right especially with something like piano where it's very it's very just you know a lot of practice a lot of like motor memory and like physical like you know technique stuff like that do you um so i'm gonna ask like for specific memories now okay so like do you remember particular times growing up where can you just tell us a story about like you know whether your parents were okay with you getting 80s or wanting you to practice like does stuff come to mind do you have any like strong memories around things there it doesn't have to be good because it was like a really short memory i guess yeah but it was pretty it's uh something that i can recall very clearly um there's uh the one day i came back home from school during high school and you know i take out that brown envelope that has you know my grades in it i take it out and then i was like hey mom and dad like oh i got a 90 in this or like i got an 85 and this and they're like okay go practice piano you know it was like they really didn't care about my grades because i guess they knew that i they kind of knew like what my grades generally were all the time and they just didn't really care about that they just wanted me to practice piano and did you care about your grades i i did for the most part but i i remember that like i was just one of those students where i felt like i didn't need to do too much but just enough in school to get like my 80s and then i would just go practice piano but i also remember there was like a point in my life where i was just like i don't want to practice anything anymore so i just started gaming that's that's when i started gaming actually yeah and do you remember how you felt like tell me more about the feeling of i don't want to practice anymore it was just i don't i think i was just going through like you know the rebellious phase where the my parents were like do this no kind of thing um i just got really sick and tired of listening to them so that i just i was just like i'm not and i i remember distinctively telling them like the more you tell me the practice the more i'm not gonna practice i said those exact words to them and how did they respond they just got mad i mean they used to like you know they they never did any like like physical beating or whatever it was all just a lot of yelling you know just a lot of like why don't you do this or like do this you know go do this yeah what was what was it like to be to hear them yelling at you i think after some point i just kind of let it go in one ear and out the other uh yeah i i don't know when it's when it mattered or when it stopped mattering i just remembered i learned to like just cope with it because i was just like there's no point in talking back i just i'll just let them you know yell and then afterwards it's whatever i'll just do what i want can i think for a second yeah there's a lot here wendy okay much of it is very sad um were your parents proud of you i think a lot of the times there were like there they were but i don't think i've ever heard them say it until like recent years yeah that's good took the next question out of my mouth which was sort of you know if they were proud how would you have known i guess it was just a okay this i guess it's really arbitrary but i guess it's just a feeling it's just maybe sometimes like oh i know the way they talk about me to relatives [Laughter] yeah that's that's that's a really you know obvious one when they you know brag about you or whatever you know that's something that they they could do or would do or to friends or whatever yeah so i'm about to make a couple of stereotypical statements about east asian and south asian culture i know it applies also to like nigerian culture yeah can apply to all kinds of cultures but you know i tend to hear this a lot from people who are asian um and it's sort of like you know they'll never tell you they're proud of you to your face but they'll let the rest of the world know yeah yeah and it's kind of weird because like they not only do they not tell you to your face they actually tell you the opposite yes right they're like you need to do more it's not enough you need to practice more and then as soon as they're done yelling at you to practice more they're on the phone with their brother back in the home country talking about how awesome you are and then as soon as they get off the phone they hear you're not practicing and they come into your room they're like [ __ ] you practice it's kind of weird right it's it's interesting because like when i look back on it now i know that they didn't mean harm yeah and like they very much love me and support everything that i do right now and i think my dad especially has always understood because um another i guess another distinctive moment in my life was uh after graduating my bachelor's i i was expected by like my professor and my parents to go into my master's degree for piano as well and i just remembered telling them like i can't i just can't do this it's like i my love for piano was there but i felt like the competition and like just the amount of work that i had to put in every single day was just too overbearing for me so i told him i couldn't do my master's degree anymore and i remember my dad telling me that he's like you don't have to i just want you to be happy yeah and that broke me because i guess my entire life like i felt like there was a lot of expectation but like he told me it was okay if i didn't do it as long as i was happy so that was like really relieving to hear yeah why did you use the word break um i guess well half of it is like i broke into tears telling them that but um or hearing that uh i don't know it's just it was against my expectation of what i thought they would like say i thought they would say something completely different and so but my dad end up saying something like completely out of my imagination yeah so what do you think it broke my expectations which were what that they would say like no you should do it or like no you should continue to pursue that degree or like no you should still like listen to us yeah so i'm gonna dive in there okay so we're gonna put some words to it that may be painful to say but like so that was what you were expecting them to say yeah but what would what were what did you expect them to think about you like what would be their idea of you behind those words um i mean i was mostly afraid of what of you know being a failure and of sorts you know or like um wasting or seemingly wasting like time and money because they spent a lot of that on me and and like owning my skills yep so for me to not go into it later is i feel like it's kind of like oh just it just feels like i wasted it in a way yeah what i'm kind of hearing is um you know that they invested a lot in you and you kind of washed out and that you weren't good enough to cut it i can't say i wasn't good enough it was just i couldn't bring myself to put that effort in there anymore um yeah i think i think i've always been able to rise up to many occasions and like you know like jump over a lot of hurdles if i really wanted to but i just i was so tired of it yeah it was just like really really really really stressful for me i'm gonna just sit for a second okay i'm gonna just like feel some emotions because i felt a little bit broken too um let me ask you something how often do you talk to your parents a lot actually um i would say like every two three days yeah do you talk to them on your day off yes i what do you guys talk about um it's not like we don't talk too much it's mostly just like oh how are you guys doing you know like um you know how well my mom's um health is not super great like she has a lot of arthritis and it's like always plaguing her so i ask about that um ask about what my dad's up to what they do like recreationally because they're both retired um and then i just yeah just mostly about how they're doing and sometimes like small little things like if i need to help with translations or like doctor visits and stuff like that yeah okay so i have a suggestion for you uh-huh the next time you take a day off and you feel like you're not doing enough i think you should talk to your dad and tell him i'm taking a day off and i feel like i'm not doing enough and tell him what your week has been like it's funny because my dad tells me to rest a lot like he's literally the person who goes like because he actually i i showed him my stream link this year and uh so he started watching my stream a lot he says like he watches my stream like whenever he has a chance to even even if it's like during dinner or something he just turns it on the laptop and there's uh i think it was a couple weeks ago i did like a 24 hour stream and i didn't tell him i was doing a 24-hour stream but then he calls me later like a few days later he's just like you know you can't really catch up on the amount of hours you're going to lose in sleep you know and but he didn't you didn't i didn't tell him anything about a 24-hour stream he just knew from like looking at a vaude or something um so yeah it's funny because he tells me to rest a lot he goes like no matter how much money you're making like make sure you sleep make sure you rest make sure you exercise you know and he doesn't tell me to work hard because he knows i do how does it feel to not hear him say that for him to tell you to rest and take care of yourself i mean it's it's nice like i i really appreciate my dad telling me to rest and like i i guess it does come up in the back of my mind i i guess he's like a big factor in why i feel like i should rest good so i think um what we've got to do what does it feel like to have him watch your stream while he's eating it's it's funny i just i think it's i think i just think it's like endearing it's nice sounds like he's proud of you yeah it's weird because i i told you in the past few years it's the first time like he's told me that he's proud of me or that he loves me and stuff yeah it was weird like hearing him in a voice message say like i love you and i was like what the heck i was like where did this come from you know but he started saying it in the in recent years so you know i set it back and like i realized i don't say it to my dad either but i guess that's just like an asian thing you know like you don't say these things to your parents or your kids you know yeah you say it to your cats yeah you say it to your cats and your dogs how did he learn how to do that i don't know it's crazy just like one day um he sent me a voice clip and he was just like he was saying some stuff and then at the end of it he was like i love you in english and i was like what you know i was like oh i love you too dad you know it's like kind of awkward but like nice but it was just one of those moments where i was like whoa where did you learn to do that you know yeah sounds like you leveled up yeah it's crazy my dad is super into like learning tech stuff i feel like it hasn't even been that long since i like you know helped him with the computer and laptop and now he's like watching streams and stuff and i was like how you're torrenting or like you're like streaming stuff and i was like what i was like what are you doing dad how do you learn this stuff yeah turns out that you can't teach an old boomer new tricks i know so wendy you know i i'm happy to you know if you want to continue exploring and stuff like that i think we can certainly do that i i feel like um we've kind of hit a pretty important point and if it's okay with you i'll kind of lay that out lay a couple things out and we can talk further if you want to so the first thing is i'll double down on what i said earlier i'm not surprised at all that your dad does tell you to rest um it's not i mean there's a reason why i told you you know call him on the days when you're beating yourself up for not doing enough and tell him how you feel um and tell him that you know you feel like you're not doing enough or that you should be working harder and let him let him so here's the thing so you come onto the stream and then you say to me i have trouble taking a day off i have trouble um you know if i don't if i'm not bone tired i feel like it's not enough so you come to me and you make it sound or there's an assumption that that is something that you need to fix right you're coming to me and you're like hey i want to change this about myself like here's the thing you're you can you fix it absolutely but you're not the one who needs to fix it it's your dad who can fix it so much faster what you can do in a hundred days he can do in one because i think you just because if he tells you if he gives you permission of sorts and he tells you like take it you know take a day off i think it's gonna like be worth so much more what do you think about that yeah i can see that yeah and so i think it's going to be like challenging for you to show him that side of you because that's the side that you've tried to keep from them right for like so long and there are times that out of like desperation or at the end of your rope you're like i can't do my master's degree and it's so dangerous because like that's when all of the assumptions about your parents will come to a head and like all of the things that you sort of piece together like you know what they're gonna say because they've said it a thousand times before but then they actually don't say it and they kind of confound your expectations and you recognize that your parents really do love you so now we get uh does that make sense yeah yeah your dad is going to teach you how to rest because he taught you how to not rest right your parents taught you that so like this is where they have to teach you the other thing so i'm gonna say some things and this is gonna paint your parents in sort of a bad light i don't think it's but i think it so i think we have to understand that even the best parents are gonna like not be perfect and are going to do things to their kids that their kids then have to like struggle with and grow like that's just life you know my parents are both wonderful and they also did a number on me in different ways that's just how it is so here's what i how i understand kind of what happened with you i mean i think you know it's interesting because when you grew up like it sounds like your parents really emphasized piano and as you joked i went to two schools but i think there's a lot there about you know like them really pushing you and wanting you to be something and sort of creating in your mind a standard that you have to live up to and then there was always this sort of message of it's not enough are you practicing you need to practice more and you tried every which way to deal with that right you tried to practice more and i'm not really hearing that they ever said good job today you practiced enough so even though you kind of practice as much as you can it's not enough and then like it hurts to give everything you've got and not get a thumbs up from the people that you're trying to make happy right and then it hurts too when you do do a good job and where there may have been things that you're proud of and like even if you can't win at piano like at least you got a 90 and then you come and you show your parents and like you're like hey i did something and they're like we don't care right and so you're kind of like growing up you're sort of like there's no way for you to win this battle there's no way for you to get approval and so like this thing starts to grow within you that like you're not enough and it's not enough and no matter what you do it's not enough so you try to make them happy it doesn't work you try to show them things that you're proud of it doesn't work and so somewhere along the way you lose your voice right like you can't speak to them they don't listen there's no point in speaking there's just kind of putting your head down and like you know pounding away like there's doesn't matter what you think or what you feel or what you say that's a really painful and difficult place to be and when kids lose their voice they stop listening because why do we stop listening to people it's because what we say doesn't matter you know it's kind of weird so then you learned how to in one ear and out the other because what used to happen in one ear changes something in here and then you try something new they tell you wendy you need to practice more and then you'd get home from school and you'd practice for six hours a day and it wouldn't make a difference and so like if you started being you know there's a coping mechanism ignoring what they're saying it's because you can't win that game so you're like not gonna play it anymore and then you get teenage rebellion and they don't really understand what's going on and they think you're being defiant and stuff like that and all that kind of good stuff um you know there's not really you lose a voice you don't they don't really show pride in your work you don't really show pride in your work like it's mind-boggling you call yourself pretty okay at piano you had to piano conservatory i can guarantee you you're in you know in the general population you're in like one in the 10 000 people in terms of piano skill right like i'm almost 100 sure of that statistic are you a professional no but there are thousands and tens of thousands of amateurs out there but like you don't know how to have pride i i think this has changed but in some ways especially when it comes to piano you have difficulty having pride in your work right because you weren't taught like your parents didn't show you how to have pride in your work all they showed you was how your work isn't enough and so you carry that with you and so now what i'm hearing is that like that's what that was the formula for success that your parents taught you there's a lot of other stuff here like the odd jobs that that they worked the sacrifices they had to make the investment that they made in you there's like a whole like thing there yeah you know of expectation and not being good enough and like because they're it's a lot right like they make they did a lot and see living up to that expectation every sacrifice they made every odd job they worked every time that they ran into trouble and still paid for you to go to conservatory raises the bar of expectation and like increases the weight on your shoulders and that's weight that you carry with you despite your successful streaming even though your dad kind of clearly loves you your parents clearly love you you know they clearly support you they clearly are interested in you and it's so strange because it's like well doesn't that fix things and the answer is no because he loves you today but what you really need to do is like go into the past and recognize that at each of those painful moments he loved you then too even though you didn't know it and then we get to like the next big swath of stuff that's challenging and this is tough is that your parents may have made mistakes and i don't think that you were willing to let them make mistakes i don't think that it's possible for you to criticize them i don't think it's possible for you to say to yourself i needed them to be like proud of me when i was seven and they weren't and like i needed to hear like it broke you when your dad told you i loved you and like he needed to tell you that a long time ago right and we can there this is where things get really really like tricky because we can not in a this is tricky but like that's just a truth right it doesn't have to come with blame but like it has to come with accountability like we can forgive him because he didn't know how to do that back then and like he didn't they didn't know better and they learned and we can appreciate them but the damage back then was still done and like you can't heal that hurt until you recognize that like that damage was done so this is where things get really really tricky because like you you're gonna feel guilty for sort of blaming him because he did so much for you because they sacrificed so much for you but like you still have to do that because then you can really forget like you put everything in context but you can't ignore your experience because that's where the real healing happens does that make sense yes so i think kind of just to sort of wrap things up um i mean we can still talk more if you want to in questions but like just to kind of like kind of finish up where we are right now you know i think you carry this not being good enough with you and you like you slung that on your back like a long time ago and and if you kind of think about it like you're clear i think you're confident and you're probably proud of what you do now like on a relatively daily basis i wouldn't be surprised so then that gets confusing because like how can you be proud today and still feel like you're not good enough today and the reason is because that not good enough is not from today it's from a decade ago right so like when your dad started telling you i love you like that damage stops and he's like proud of you and you like know that that's why it's so [ __ ] confusing about like why like i'm confident myself my dad loves me my parents are proud of me why do i feel like i'm not good enough shouldn't that balance itself out and unfortunately that's just not how the mind works you have to go kind of back in time and like like even talk this is challenging but like even talk to your parents about you know like when i was growing up like like asking hard questions like were you proud of me it's gonna be a question that breaks him because like he's gonna feel your pain it's gonna be a lot of tears and stuff like that but it's like it's like a question that you need to ask and it's an answer that you need to hear yeah right it's just hard to i gotta get okay yeah um anyway yeah yeah i went into this day i mean i went into this today and i was like i don't want to cry i don't want to cry but i know talking about this is going to make me like really emotional but yeah yeah yeah right and that's the thing wendy is like you don't the thing that makes me the most sad about this is that you don't really have to hang on to that anymore right because your dad does love you guys just need to like talk up you know talk about it and like you need to hear those words because like there's you know a 12 year old little asian kid who's like going to piano conservatory like she needs to hear those words right and like she deserves to hear those words because like you know like adult wendy high level wendy endgame wendy like she's a beast but you know that other little girl like needs to hear that yeah i never i never thought about the fact that it might be that actually or the thought that it might be from my piano days i guess i g because it's so it's like when i think about it it's like it's kind of like behind me in a sense because i really haven't engaged in a lot of that in a long time i play it for fun now which is actually nice because you know i just play whatever i want whatever i want however much i want and that's nice and it's like so almost so far put behind me that i never think that that is what's affecting me still today yeah and i think the real question there is like on those days when you're relaxing how when was how old were you when you felt that i'm not doing enough and i should be doing more does it smell look and tastes like what you felt when you were 7 or 10 or 15 or 16 i guess it's similar yeah um i have i don't know i think when i was younger too there's just it's different now because there's nobody pushing me but myself yep but when i was young uh or younger there was you know my professors and and my parents but now it's like i know that if i don't push myself nobody's really gonna push me but i realized i pushed myself a lot yeah and and how deep so how do you know when oh god i'm bleeding oh god how do you know when you've pushed yourself enough i don't i don't know when i push myself enough or too much i just i just remember waking up for the past like at least half a year or more where i'm just like every day it's like i wake up all right eat get ready stream go like that's literally like i i don't think i really have a lot of like just spare time to do whatever i just i just know that i wake up and i should work like that's me yeah so there's also are you familiar with um chinese medicine or ayurveda chinese medicine in like what sense like are you familiar with like any of the principles of chinese medicine tcm oh no okay so i think the other interesting thing is that you know uh so ayurveda and chinese medicine i remember this traditional indian medicine and there's a lot of cross-pollination in terms of concepts like they kind of end up coming up with different terms but the ideas are pretty similar another just kind of side thing you can check out like some of our youtube stuff on this but um some of that work ethic that you talk about you're very kapha so like this is like an element like so in in eastern systems of medicine what they do is they use elements to describe people's like personality temperament and things like that so gaffas are people who have a lot of like earth element and water elements so they tend to be very very resilient very very hard working have large stamina pools the tricky thing that they get into is that because they have such because they're so resilient they tend to tolerate negative situations far longer than they otherwise would right so like people who have like smaller hp pools will like sit in burning lava for a very small amount of time whereas like people with large hp pools are like oh i'm taking a bunch of damage every round but i've got like a thousand hit points so it's like not that big of a deal i'm just gonna hang out here um and and so you know it's something that people on our stream sometimes we talk about but i think it's like kind of interesting because you know i would imagine that follow-through and perseverance are not problems for you yes that's i think that's like you know those you know those tests that go like oh describe your personality in like five words i think like i think i've used perseverance like a lot yup yeah so that's classic kapha right so a couple things wendy for you to so sometimes it takes longer for me to feel like i understand like where stuff is coming from from someone i think you were just so authentic and open that it like really came together quick so i'm talking about a couple other random things now if that's okay okay yeah so the first thing is that you've got to be careful about a couple of things one is that that feeling of not good enough so in terms of when how how hard do you push yourself i would say that you probably push yourself to the point of like a decent amount of feeling not good enough yeah and i know it's kind of weird like like you know you think the more you push yourself the more good about yourself you feel but for you it's the other way around and you know because like you know that in in order to do a good job you have to feel not good enough what do you think about that yeah i i guess so it's kind of weird okay yeah but like this is where like when you decide to stop pushing yourself is based on these weird internal feelings like like when is streaming enough it has nothing to do with numbers and metrics and this is how much i need to it has to do with an internal feeling of okay i'm [ __ ] exhausted which means i probably did a decent job today like i need to keep pushing myself until like i really get into a place where like okay i don't feel like i'm good enough i'm really like pushing myself you're like cracking the whip and then you're like okay oh whoo you know i'm finally like cracking the whip really really hard and flagellating myself so like as long as i'm beating myself up this much like i'm probably going to work good enough and it'll end up okay so i encourage you to just sort of play around with that see if that's true or not a couple things to think about is sometimes these dynamics can pop up in like romantic relationships so you know if you start to feel like you're not good enough in romantic relationships or things like that like you have to be careful because like you said you know you didn't realize it you know went back to your piano days because your piano ideas are behind you you just carry them with you absolutely um and for kapha's too you have to be careful because a lot of times the relationship problems that kaphas fall into is that they end up in unhealthy relationships for far too long and and especially like there's a particular vulnerability here where like you could feel like you're not good enough when actually you're doing fine and the person you're dating is probably should be better but you're so used to like not being good enough that maybe some of that stuff can start to like pop up again i think that was very like apparent to me in the past yeah like in past relationships that i had definitely and i guess it doesn't help that like every guy that i've dated cheated on me so it doesn't help that not good enough thing but yeah it was very apparent like i i was in a lot of relationships that i stayed for too long yep yeah so i mean i'm happy to hear you say was and i think this is kind of weird but like every time your dad tells you he's proud of you that is gonna shrink and as you become more confident in yourself like there may be an echo of this but but you know like every time that happens like literally like talk to your dad on your day off and tell him you don't feel good enough and he's going to tell you that you're he's proud of you you're wonderful he loves you you deserve to rest he's going to say all that stuff to you and then like your next relationship is going to be healthier um yeah questions thoughts um not at the moment i just i'm just thinking about how to have a conversation with my dad it's just uh it's gonna be it's gonna be weird yeah but yeah i think it'll be good penny for your thoughts there like what what are you thinking about how to have a conversation with your dad um like just like i guess how to tell him yeah because because i think like i like part of me also like i don't want to worry him but i realized like i do have to tell him these things so i'm gonna try to help you out there a little bit you don't want to worry him he's already worried yeah i guess yeah so this is what i want you to reframe you need to give him the opportunity of comforting his worried daughter you need to give him the oh sorry like his you know the daughter he's worrying about you need to give him the opportunity to like make it better that's what you really owe him yeah when he sees you streaming for 24 hours and he's like you should rest like he's worried about you it's already happening yeah it's true do you need help i mean do you are you confident that you can come up with like language for like talking to him i don't know it's gonna be a little weird because i i grew up speaking like cantonese to my parents but then with my dad he's like more fluent in english so i end up speaking like this weird like mixture of stuff with him but he kind of understands like my moon runes when i like mix both languages together at random parts of the sentence so i'm just wondering like in my mind like how i'm gonna piece together uh like if i'm gonna say it in like cantonese or am i gonna say it in a little bit of english or like how it's gonna work out but yeah i think it'll be okay yeah yeah it sounds like he listens to you now yeah i mean i think like both my parents you know listen to me but it's just i think i've always um bonded with my dad a little bit more i mean i love both of them a lot and i think in recent years i've come to talk to my mom a lot more um it's because my mom did a lot more of the yelling and my dad did less of it uh yeah he was he was always more like chill and quiet so i i guess i always like i also played a lot more games with my dad growing up too i didn't ever play any games with my mom what kind of games oh we played like i don't know like tetris and like chess and you know board games and stuff together and we would watch tv shows together like kids tv shows like arthur and magic school bus and stuff together you know like my dad loved pingu you know it's just like it's just one of those he oh piku is like this this uh penguin it's a stop-motion penguin animation that was like really popular in mild in my childhood yeah it's interesting you know i think dads have special relationships with their daughters i'm sure they have special relationships with their sons too but i have two daughters and and so i you know it's different i'm different with them than my wife is right um yeah i'm kind of at a loss as to what to talk about now um yeah for me it was just mostly trying to find out like i guess why i felt so bad when i took my days off yeah yeah um i i guess the other thing is i guess it might be related it's just constantly chasing for more or that but that might just relate to you know not feeling like it's not enough so they kind of come hand in hand i think yeah and that yeah and that might be in terms of like numbers too you know like for streaming or like anything yeah so i i think that that is actually a little bit more complicated so i think certainly they're related but i think a lot of that has to do with just being a streamer in general yeah um and just you know there's like this there's a effect of platforms on our psychology um and and some of that of like always needing to grow in sort of the sentiment of like if i'm not growing i'm dying you know and you can't take a break because like you know it's like steady content and and like this is like it's not so i do wonder about god i should really think about this now i wonder if we should do a study about this but like there's so many streamers that we've talked to that were like you know had parents that were like fundamentally unsatisfied or like weren't able to display pride or satisfaction with their kids yeah and and just i i it never crossed my mind until now that like i wonder if that's actually part of what makes you guys successful because you guys do you know like like that feeling of not being good enough like pushes you to you it'd be an interesting sort of like personality analysis like study but um i think some of that stuff is just you know it's just how what social media and stuff like that does to us so it's like i mean if you want to you know hear me be professor andy i can like talk more about you know like go into a quick explanation of how that works but my experience is basically that we have like personal psychological stuff that then meets the influence of the internet and that the influence like we've always had the psychological stuff but now we have the internet which sort of like amplifies or even like preys on some of our vulnerabilities that like everyone has always had and then we end up with something that we haven't ended up with before which is like the psychological stuff like you know everyone's had i mean asian parents have existed since the dawn of time and then you take asian parents and then you throw in twitch and then you're actually rare wendy because i you know i don't i don't know how many usually it's like through therapy and a lot of effort on the kids parts to like get their parents to tell them i love you like they have to be taught like i don't know like your dad yeah i don't know my i don't know but my parents evolved yeah like pokemon but like they literally but i i don't know i guess my parents are like or my yeah my dad is like especially woke it's really weird because like he tells me all these things that he thinks about and then he he kind of like realized and then he'll tell me these things sometimes and i'll be like it's weird hearing it from him because yeah because it's just like this is very against like traditional asian culture you know and so i always call my parents like hippies because like they're so much more like relaxed or more like understanding than a lot of parents that i've seen or like have heard about and so every time i just think about my dad it's like what the heck is going on you know yeah it's really good to see too and it's really nice so yeah yeah i i think um you know there is a there is a asian dad pokemon who starts out as security guard form and then goes into convenience store owner form and then winds up his woke asian dad in touch with his face asian dad which is which is the which is the charizard vocation dad uses i love you oh god wendy begins to cry very effective yeah it's very effective oh god yeah oh that's really funny [Music] yeah i it's it's weird because i feel like there's i guess there's two types of people right like there's the people who they tell themselves like oh they're not good enough and then they don't do anything because it's like crippling and then there's just i guess there's people like me who if i say like i'm not good enough well i should do more like i need to do instead of like just not do anything that's a really cool observation what do you think separates those two people why why do you think one is i i don't know like why someone becomes one or the other um and i and i found like i talk to some of my friends you know some of them are very much like i feel like crap now i'm not gonna do anything and then for me it's like i really wish i could give them some of my energy and be like i think you'll feel better if you do something rather than not doing anything at all and yeah i don't know what makes us do one or the other i don't know if you have any insight on that i've never thought about it like that but i i love where you're going with this i wonder if it's the presence of someone that you want to do it for like a motivation yeah like like you want to make your parents proud which no matter how hard you try never happens which i know sounds bleak yeah and and then because i i have talked to some people who you know don't feel good enough but i i don't think they ever i mean their parents were really more um tend to be more toxic so it's like like you know their parents would tell them you're not good enough like to their face and it's sort of like like at least in your case it's almost like some people have a parent like a parent that sort of like you know holds up a standard that they push their kid to meet and it's so impossible that you never meet it but they still hold you to that standard and push you towards it whereas some parents just tell their kids that they're not good enough and they don't expect maybe it's the expectation of a parent that's different like like expectations yeah like they expect you to do it and you can be disappointing to them absolutely but at least they expect it of you and some parents just you know think their kid isn't good enough and don't expect anything out of them and and then that's actually why they don't do anything because once you don't believe you're capable of anything then there's no point trying whereas like there's still this idea that you have that like if you work hard enough you'll get there one day but some people believe that they're just not capable so you know when they talk about motivation like so i see this a lot where a lot of motivation or problems with motivation they say i lack motivation is really hopelessness underneath because if you're never gonna succeed there's no point in trying and so you have to tackle that you know lack of expectation of capability of yourself maybe that's it i don't know it's a great observation on your part though sounds yeah sounds like that might be it too [Music] it's yeah very eye-opening yeah i don't really i don't really talk about this stuff much um no one does yeah it's a lot of like diving into why why and why yep oh yeah and you don't always know why yeah yeah so i think that's where um you know a big part of like my journey was just asking myself why why and why and and this is where i spent some time sort of training to become a monk and and they that's what we do like when you train like you know you meditate and then like like you ask yourself like why do i have a desire for this thing why do i have a desire for this thing at this moment why am i feeling bad today like so it's sort of like an internal exploration you know you're mapping out the inner world instead of like mapping out the outer world which it sounds like your dad is pretty good at a few months ago he told me he's like he's like ah when you get older you stop caring about a lot of stuff and i was like oh he's just like yo you'll understand when you get here and i mean he's just i don't like he's old like he's older he's not like a grandpa yet i guess but i mean he's like 65 so you know like 66 retirement age um but he's like you really stop caring about a lot of stuff when you get to my age she's like all those things that you're feeling right now like you probably won't feel a lot of it in 40 years or 30 years and and my woke asian dad yeah yeah [Laughter] yeah i i'm really loving location yeah it sounds like your dad is is developing detachment or vairagya in sanskrit which is like distance between feelings and things in the world and like how you know how much it pisses you off so one of the one of the other qualities of the final form of the asian bat the final four yeah i think i'm still very angry at random things definitely not detached at all yeah yeah so you so as your dad said dad uses skill wise words and and you know he says he'll get there one day yeah oh it's so funny yeah wendy like i said i you know usually this takes longer but i think you've really opened up and seemed simple today or clear to me yeah i i don't i'm not uh like i'm super okay with talking about feelings it's just i don't like always talk about them but i mean like i i'm really open about talking about feelings so it's like if anybody asks me anything you know it's like i'll just say it as it is yeah i think it's it's great i think it's you know that's a lot of people tend to you know be open to answering but we all feel uncomfortable about volunteering yeah right because it's like it's kind of weird because like people are open books but like you've gotta crack the cover you know they're willing to be open and transparent but someone has to express interest and and i think part of the tricky thing is that nowadays like it's you know it's polite to not inquire and then when we don't ask like if we see someone crying we don't like go over to them and ask like what's wrong you know because we like want to respect their privacy but then they feel isolated it's kind of like a we get stuck between like a rock and a hard place i guess i i really want or i i i'm actually usually the person that inquires like if i see any signs of someone being sad i'll like i'll message them be like are you okay that's really wonderful if they need an ear or like yeah stuff like that i think that makes the world a better place yeah i definitely you know wish everybody can be kind to one another yeah how's your brother doing oh ah i guess he's good i mean we don't really talk much and i wish we talked more but he's he's good he's in china and uh he does like teaching and stuff uh english teaching um but i haven't seen him in years so what's that like um i mean it sucks uh the thing is like my brother and i have a huge age gap and it's only my brother and i like my parents only have two kids um like he's 10 years older than me exactly 10 years so growing up it was like of a pretty crazy dynamic because it was like i was four he was 14 you know um i was 10 he was 20. you know he was already like practically gone by the time i was in my teenage years because he had to go to college and then go to like he did some like training like student teacher training in like china and stuff and he always really liked teaching there um so he did a lot of traveling i didn't see him for a long time i remember like him coming back after a trip and he was like whoa you grew a lot you know and i was like yep i did so does he have uh you said your your parents your parents don't have grandparents so i'm assuming he doesn't have children and neither do i yes neither of us have children yeah and and so he's been in china what sounds like years so he's like settled there yes yeah he's definitely settled there um he wanted to visit in recent years but then covet and whatnot so yeah he didn't end up coming back and then i never really go there either so we just haven't seen each other in a while besides like happy birthday merry christmas and happy new years you know like through text messages we don't really talk too much yeah maybe someone else to reach out to on your off days yeah yeah the time zone difference is a little weird but maybe you can trick yourself into thinking you're being productive by reaching out to your brother yeah somebody i could definitely reach out to so wendy um sometimes on stream we teach meditation are you interested in learning that yeah i'm down let me think have you had any experience with meditation uh i've followed your stream a little bit here and there but that's that's that's about it yeah i think i've done a breathing one before a long time ago in like choir i don't know my choir instructor was like breathe in for this many counts and breathe out for this many counts okay close your eyes and stuff yeah i'm trying to think about whether we should do a meditation around sound or a meditation around breath or we can do both because you are musically oriented um okay i've got one for you okay so i'm going to give you um i'm going to give you kind of an uh task of sorts oh hold on let me think about this how we can do this give me just a second okay okay this is going to sound kind of weird okay so what i want you to do is um i'm going to put forth a hypothesis and i want you to test it okay okay so the hypothesis is that the letter u is at the end of any sound that you can make okay okay so if we think about like like what what sound does the letter b make b or b sorry yeah right so so ba right so there's something yeah i was like what does b uh b okay so so but then what i want you to also do is is listen to the sound b and see if you can find an uh at the end of that so close your eyes and you can try saying it b b and and just really pay attention to the end of it b okay pay attention to the e sound so after the e there's another sound even when you say b b i don't get it it's because it like that's okay it's just it's it's a poorly explained technique um okay let me let me let's try something else let me think let me think let me think okay i've got another technique for us to try okay okay so um this is gonna be sort of like a rotating uh it's gonna be like a rotating awareness technique so what i want you to do is we're going to take deep breaths and what i want you to do is kind of imagine that the breath is going in through your nose up to the top of your head and as you inhale goes all the way down the back of your spine and as you exhale so as you hit the you know the tailbone as you exhale the breath kind of comes via the pubis and then over the navel through the chest and then out the nose okay so as we inhale we're going to rotate our attention i'm giving you hard techniques i don't know why i should probably be getting introductory stuff but you know you're such a hard worker and talented and all that good stuff so breathe in and then kind of follow it up and then around the back of your spine and as you finish your breath you should be at your tailbone and as you exhale over the pubis through the navel through the heart through the base of the throat and then oh actually i guess this is a little bit complicated also back up here and then out the nose okay okay and so along the back what you want to do is you know start here go to the top of your head sort of the the you know the base of your throat so like the part of your spine that is opposite your throat the part of your spine that is behind your heart the part of your spine that is opposite your navel your tailbone and then up the front does that make sense yes okay so sit up straight close your eyes and i'll i'll run you through the breaths at the beginning so i'm gonna do three rounds while i'll walk you through them and then you can you're gonna do five more on your own okay okay so go ahead and exhale to begin with and then through your nose breathe in slowly slowly slowly it goes up to the top of your head along the back of your throat down past your heart down past your navel and into your tailbone and as you exhale across the pubis over the navel through the heart base of your throat up to your eyebrows and then out your nose and now we're gonna go again okay eyes closed breathe in up to the crown of your head back of your throat behind your heart behind your navel bottom of the tailbone and then exhale pubis navel front of your heart base of your throat up to your eyebrows and out and now continue at your own pace and just as you breathe in let your attention rotate in that circuit we're going to do we're going to practice for about 60 seconds okay c for what no i just i don't have a good time of 60 seconds i was like did i breathe too long or did i breathe too short you did fine i i should have been a little bit more clear i think something about maybe my teaching styles off today no no no no it's fine what was what was that practice like relaxing it was like yeah it was very relaxing and it was funny because i was trying to follow my air through my body and it and then when i went back up to like here and then down through my nose it like kind of tickled a little bit because i was it's just yeah good so kind of feeling the air fantastic right so the goal of meditation is to bring your attention to the present um and then sort of just as if you're sitting with an experience that's perfectly fine let me ask you i know this could be hard to understand having done it so little but did you feel like sometimes your breath or attention would stall at a particular place in your body yes because i i don't know for some reason i was like having a mental or i was like trying to follow and i was like wait did i go to that part go back so i was like trying to like yeah when you were telling me where to like uh where my air travels it was like really smooth but when i did it on my own it was not as smooth yeah and do you know if there was a particular place that you would stumble around um yeah i guess just like the end of my breathing so around like the spine area like of the back the the bottom of your spine yeah the bottom okay and then was there uh was the exhalation pretty smooth or would that also kind of like where you like you know imagine you're driving a manual and it kind of like doesn't start quite right so did you like stall at the bottom on your way out or was it pretty smooth on the way out uh i think it stalled because i was like like again i was thinking about which part it was traveling through um but generally it's like pretty smooth yeah okay generally but it seems like you get kind of stuck around the bottom yeah yeah okay okay yeah keep doing it um not now but just in general okay so so i i think you know you can try this technique out i would say do it for three to five minutes a day ideally every day but i think you can start with like three days a week you know i think eventually what you want to do so the science on meditation suggests that if you can practice 20 minutes a day for three days a week that's the minimum required to really like literally rewire your brain so like stress indicators and things like that will improve um but if you know if you can do 20 minutes a day five days a week that's totally fine you don't have to do this practice for 20 minutes so you you can do this for three to five you know check out our other youtube videos or you know reach out to me at some point if you have more questions about meditation or things like that um yeah and then oh sorry do you have a recommendation on when you should do them or like is it like when you wake up like before you sleep so meditation is the is the most fruitful at dawn and dusk oh okay so i don't know if you're up at dawn but if you're in canada i'm definitely up yeah because you're up late or up early yeah off late okay i haven't slept yet uh-huh so i i would say you know when dawn rolls around then um you know you'll that's when it's the most fruitful the other thing that's a little bit tricky i don't know if you noticed but one of your nostrils is going to be more closed than the other can you tell which one ah this one's more open this one's my right the moment of dawn or dusk both of them will open up and it's [ __ ] weird i know so if you can do that practice during the period of time where they're both open then it'll be the most fruitful sorcery yes okay okay i'll try it i'll try it yeah just try it yeah you'll be it's one of the weirdest [ __ ] things in the universe okay i don't even quite understand it but there's something about being in rhythm with the universe i don't know how any of that [ __ ] works it's just weird it used to be my alarm clock it's like oh okay but anyway um any other questions cool um no i think i'm good so one last thing wendy you know it may be worthwhile for you to see a therapist i don't know if you ever have but if you wanna like if you find that this is really a problem like not a bad idea to work with someone you can also work with i'm not really seeing a huge need for um you know therapy i'm not hearing anything that i think is clinically concerning you know i don't diagnose people over the internet so you know that being said but um you know you can certainly work on the stuff if you feel like you do want someone to talk to you can also uh sign up for our creator coaching program which thankfully twitch is sponsoring so twitch has decided i'm are you a partner on yes okay so if your partner it's available to you and and coaches can kind of help you work through some of the stuff a little bit more two other things to kind of think about okay yeah thank you thank you for coming on and you know being so authentic and open it was like and and also insightful because something about i don't know it was just easy today like like something oh that's i'm glad i didn't want to be a difficult guest i i mean i don't know that anyone well actually that's not true some people actually but you know that's not their problem that's my problem and but you certainly worked you're pleasant and delightful and good luck to you you know i hope you do well and seriously like tell your dad how you feel and and let him do let him give him the opportunity to like make you feel better because that's you know you owe that to him and you can make him so happy speaking as a father there's nothing that makes me happier than making my daughter feel better when she's hurting like that's like what i exist for at this point right so give him that opportunity and don't worry about burdening him because he knows i can see you're going to cry for my dad speaking from a dad's point of view yeah we know all right yeah and now you can have a go have a good cry in private all right take care and thanks a lot so much you too bye ah yes let us let us raid lig myanus

Channel: HealthyGamerGG

Views: 99,466

Keywords: mental health, drk, dr kanojia, healthygamergg, healthy gamer gg, twitch, psychiatrist, natsumiii

Id: 154UuRusL-8

Length: 92min 19sec (5539 seconds)

Published: Sat Jan 23 2021