Steel - Hilariocity Review

under Dubai steel starring Shaquille O'Neal directed by Kenneth Johnson released in 1997 uh no well that's good because I was about to say relationship over I still don't know why it's in our house though I did not hit her it's not true it's bullshit I did not hit her [Music] ah the late 90s when superhero movies were still figuring themselves out and MBA stars got to be in movies welcome back to another Hilary asti review today we are going to be talking about steel this is not a good movie I just watched it in preparation for this review because that's the hardest part of these hilarious tea reviews I actually have to sit down and I gotta watch them all so after a very boring opening credits sequence in which we get a whole bunch of static unmoving shots of lava falling down various places and the incredibly over-the-top theme for this movie we get the cliched it's only a test opening scene you see stuff that looks like it's dangerous and all of a sudden people come out and go hey that was pretty good good job all these weapons are going well I like this this is gonna be a lot of fun yes that's right it's all only a test and Shaq is trying to explain to everyone this new technology he's developed they could neutralize a whole bunch of soldiers without actually killing them and Judd Nelson's there - what Judd Nelson's the villain in this movie okay but guess what the opening line of this movie is I smell some nuts roasting now when the guy was writing this movie and by the way he's also the director Kenneth Johnson someone told him that's a good opening line like he's actually he was writing a script and he was like that's good that's how we'll open the thing no Kenneth Johnson is a director who was primarily known for television I grew up watching The Incredible Hulk television show he directed many episodes including the pilot now when I was a kid in the 90s this sci-fi channel became a channel in America I watched The Incredible Hulk show I watched the original spider-man show all 13 episodes of it the live-action one so automatically you can tell then a few shots Shaq has this thing for this girl named Sparky they like to touch their fingers a lot like et and Eliot and there's a lot of foreshadowing with Judd Nelson's character because he's obviously going to be a villain that's right he fucks up the entire mission and now Sparky's in a wheelchair and we hate him [Music] now the filmmakers were obviously trying to make her basically be the Oracle character from the comics in fact there's a few attempts that try to be like the comics in this movie because there you have John Henry irons who was very inspired by Superman to become who he is and shack himself has the Man of Steel tattoo right here so it kind of worked I guess I think those are the only things in this film that even remotely resemble anything in the comics so Shaq is trying to save Sparky and he basically looks like he's taking a giant shit I mean look at that face just look at it he really honestly looks like he's constipated and he's just trying to let one out we all know Shaq is tall okay the dude is 71 but this just looks hilarious I can't help but laugh when I see this shot so Sparky's in the hospital she's not gonna be able to walk and the doctor is like nope it's not happening it's like it's really obvious like nope you're not gonna ever walk again shot jack decides to return home to the City of LA and guess what yeah he's gonna try to shoot a basketball [Music] now you think that would be like the only basketball reference in the film right it's not there will be more so quickly we realized that Shaq knows like every single child in the city like what he's like 130 I know all these 12 year olds like what does that even mean is this some sort of oh I know it's said in Shaq's contract that he has to know a lot of kids so that kids can like him as a basketball star and it'll boost his uh you know his demo for that age probably shouldn't we meet grandmom and she gives even more awkward sugar kisses then SpongeBob's grandma does don't you patronize me young man you just give me some most sugar and she really is trying to make a souffle she doesn't want anyone to talk while she bakes the souffle this is a very important story element trust me it it actually is a very important story element to this movie and it it's brought up quite often so Shaq apparently just obtains a steel mill job and we have an entire scene dedicated to girls thinking he's hot it's like the entire first act of this movie the filmmakers were contractually obligated to just make Shaq look good now if you're watching this film like I am it's right around this time that you may notice that just about every single song in this movie is some sort of hip-hop R&B song [Music] this is a DC Comics film not checks personal mixtape but we got to go back to Judd Nelson right because he's the big evil bad guy this movie he dispatches us some pesky side characters with his magical elevator braking button there's quite a bit of magical movie technology in this movie we'll get to that later so Jed Nelson's goons robbed a bank with a laser gun and Shaq just so happens to be driving with one of his friends who is a female police officer and a kid in the back that he's buddies with she gets a call on the radio that this is going on and she goes into a firefight with two passengers in her car this is LA couldn't you've been like um I have a child and a friend with me in my vehicle while I'm on duty I know I don't want to get fired but I feel like I kind of have to say that so please send someone else to the laser gun firefight no of course not she goes right into the firefight and Shaq and the kid escape while she's still in the car which gets blasted over and then Shaq has to save her the funny thing is the kid goes so because of a little bit of fire we're just supposed to let this girl die I mean she what happened to this kid who raised that kid oh there's some fire so let's not save the police officer cuz you know there's a little bit of fire over there I guess we'll just forget about her there's a little fire now you think this girl would have something to do with the plot right you know like maybe a potential love interest or something guess what she has nothing to do with the plot seriously she has nothing to do with the movie she literally is a plot device they needed shaq to somehow be in the streets of LA at night in the middle of a gunfight so they had him know a female cop who would end up going to this gunfight so Shaq could be in the gunfight and see these weapons and be like oh sure there's ooh guns oh man we're shooting another free-throw it missed because that's what I do so Shaq gets really pissed at these guys and he says you're sawing now but now starts the slowest running chase ever I mean this is ladies just like doo doo doo doo doo de doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo apparently they couldn't find a stunt double for Shaq because he's like seven foot one now I know they used this stunt double for some of the motorcycle scenes cuz you can just tell but that's because he's sitting down crouched over he can hide his height but for these chase scenes is just shag running it's like he's running up and down the court just kind of jogging to his position you know it's just crazy even the music feels like it's a slow scene like the music is very repetitive like oh here we go he's gonna run now so Shaq catches the kid that he's chasing then all of a sudden some goon just appeared out of nowhere how I mean they just had to cross like ten railroad tracks with moving trains and then this thing just he's just there so now Shaq is really mad and he really wants to beat up some of these kids seriously these gangs with these laser guns they're all kids they're like 14 kids don't join gangs gangs have laser guns guns or bad and laser guns are worse don't join the gangs Shaq is your friend watch him on TV when he plays basketball please please and like him if you're a kid please so he goes to visit sparks who's in like some physical therapy thing and I swear to you throughout this entire scene I thought she was blind somehow like she just she sells blindness throughout this scene I actually thought that she was faking being blind for like two minutes just to make a joke to Shaq and it would be like a really funny but no she's just that's what she's doing she looks like she'd tell me if I showed you that scene and said this is a blind woman would you believe me yes of course you would look she looks what is that check out checks eyebrow twitching in this shot this is a prime example of should happen my god that was worse than the fucking garbage day guy carpet day [Music] now we're introduced to Uncle Joe finder of complicated computer thingies that's a mainframe 7200 IBM 500 megahertz slam bam thank you ma'am sudden other so sparks and John Henry irons and Uncle Joe team up and now there's super people and they're gonna fight crime and build steel costumes that look like shit now like I said you would think that first basketball pun would be like the only one right do you know why Michael Jordan worked in Space Jam because he played himself he played a basketball player he did not push the boundaries he just he was like look I'm gonna be Michael Jordan let's play some basketball space jam in this movie Shaq is like an odd amalgamation of his actual self and this superhero at the same time and it just they had to make him play basketball and not be able to shoot free throws they just they just had to that didn't they so of course the kid is now joining Judd Nelson's gang of laser gun-toting children because at some point in the movie he's gonna have to put a gun to that kid's head to make Shaq do something he wants them to do so now we get the montage because every superhero film has a montage building and preparing that's just there in like every one of them some of them are awesome and some of them are from the movie steel that came out in 1997 and we get to watch him make his stupid fucking costume that looks so shitty it's supposed to be steel but like almost every time he moves his mouth you can see the little steel things on the side going like this like every time he moves his made it so the poor John Hawks shows up and gives the best performance in the whole damn movie it's interesting to see how some of these oscar-nominated actors start histah never get the first big superhero rescue scene and of course it's a bunch of slow ass action again with Shaq just jogging around did you didn't did you dude during this scene we get the ball shot finger wave that's what I call it [Music] can you believe that that was actually filmed like me I mean it's like they filmed that and then Uncle Joe says possibly the best line in the movie even though it's it's like the worst line in the movie but it's the by far the funniest line in the movie shit and roll in breadcrumbs okay and I'm done I'm done I'm done so after Shaq dispatches of some thugs one of his leg plates falls off and I think they wanted us to think that that was planned and scripted but it honestly looks like a blooper like it looks like a gag like Shaq's best performance in this movie is when he goes like oh it fell like he did it really looks like it was like it actually just fell and he falls off a building and it's so incredibly obvious you can see the line attached back here is just there's the line it's right there and of course he falls in a dumpster because whenever someone falls off a building you don't want to die there's gonna be a dumpster down there a big dumpster big enough for a seven-foot one basketball player to fall into so the cops start to follow him in a big chase ensues this is my favorite part little chase okay the cop makes the home alone face I swear to you he makes the home alone face it's amazing check it out I left so friggin hard oh my gosh it was amazing and this is the first time in the movie where this happens it seems like a person cursed but they like edited it because they were afraid the MPAA would give them an R or something I don't know it's just amazing son of a but who says son of a but no one says son of a but it couldn't do they could just cut the line out no it says son of a but wow you're a son of a but who in the hell says that no one no one on this earth says that just that one cop son of a but I'm gonna start saying that now so check makes it back safely and of course they do the finger thing again and you know at this point it's already getting kind of tired it happens a lot more trust me and guess what else is in this scene leisure records intact what a basketball joke so at this point Judd Nelson begins his big evil plan to showcase all of his awesome evil weaponry to people at this time please notice that throughout this entire film whenever there is a nighttime action sequence of some kind the streets of LA are always deserted completely deserted because you can just tell they've got it all blocked off for the scene there's never cars there's never traffic nothing look I just spent a weekend in LA and I can tell you that all night all I heard was traffic where the hell's the traffic so Shaq shows up and starts blasting people in another slow a shootout let me set up what happens next okay these guys are robbing the Federal Reserve with laser guns there is a seven-foot one maniac in a steel costume shooting at those thugs with another laser gun they send one police car one one I was just in LA literally this weekend okay and some people were fighting outside of a movie theater we all like eight police cars go there I'm not even King like eight to ten police cars for two people fist-fighting yeah and guess what the two cops that are in the cars same cops from before so a helicopter shows up and a thug looks up blasts the helicopter the helicopter is now falling oh my gosh it's gonna fall on the home alone macaulay culkin cop so steel is running you know kind of slowly and he tackles the cop and saves him from the helicopter but does he really save him no he doesn't because look there was like 30 feet in between him and alle copter because this is so obvious and poorly filmed that he wasn't actually in danger but they're trying to make us think he was but for stories sake we have to think that he was because it's important for later now we get an inspirational scene with grandma where she feels they have to whisper to maintain a well-cooked souffle in her oven what all of a sudden some guy just burst through her kitchen window Shaq attacks him starts throwing people around and we find out it's a SWAT team it's a SWAT team with a search warrant because they suspect of him being involved with the weapons the SWAT team came through the kitchen window by breaking it open right in front of this 80 year old grandma so the home alone macaulay culkin cop doesn't want to ID Shaq in the lineup because he tackled him to the pavement when there was actually no danger at all from the helicopter and you know like I said we're supposed to believe that he saved him but you know they were like 30 feet away from the helicopter they were fine if a seven-foot one guy wearing nothing but steel tackled me to the asphalt I'd be fucking pissed but I also want to point out that in this scene he takes his earpiece out from his mouth and puts it in his ear and he has contact with Sparky now know I'm gonna estimate that at least three hours have passed during that time from when he was taken by the SWAT team to the line up to being locked up in jail and the earpiece that he's had in his mouth that entire time collecting saliva it still works of course because magical movie technology so where they're supposed to find where these advanced military weapons are going to be sold where is Judge Nelson gonna do his big deal well in 1997 the internet was still relatively new to some people and not everyone had it and not everyone was as experienced with it as we are now so the filmmakers had the plot point deed that Judge Nelson made a web page where he's selling his illegal weaponry that every law-enforcement agency on the fuck earth is looking for the Internet damn right we can pick up all kinds of good crap not just porn oh he just made a website seriously like I mean all you'd have to do is just fucking there's the webpage with the illegal weapons you just type it in and there it is so Shaq is freed from jail by magical movie technology with Sparky's voice being changed to the voice of a district attorney and it's it's all just perfect within minutes he is in his full steel suit going to some address that Sparky got with her magical movie technology again and Judd Nelson's there trying to sell his weaponry to a whole bunch of different buyers so when Shaq is observing this area from afar he notices there's a guy with some dogs some very vicious looking dogs he pops out his gun at this point he reveals that his gun actually has a very high frequency dog whistle now two things one you're in a full body steel costume who gives a shit about a couple dogs you're fine the dogs will not affect your full body steel costume number two what the fuck is a dog whistle doing on advanced military weaponry what is the practical application of a dog whistle on a laser gun there should have been a scene where he was like well I guess she was right to include that in the gun or something that led us in on the joke of a dog whistle being on a gun he's got a dog whistle it literally goes well at the top of his gun and it emits a high frequency nevermind so the big finale starts with the perfect oh shit they've got the girl shot so at this point Judd Nelson starts killing every single one of his business associates right in front of his potential buyers what a fantastic business strategy I'm sure all of them want to sign contracts with this guy now so a guard is threatening Uncle Joe but his dog lilly saves him wait a second I thought oh that's Lilly she wasn't like so Shaq actually successfully tempts Judd Nelson to push the red button and of course he does engaging his electromagnet his gun shoots back to Shaq's chest and Sparky starts to shoot laser beams out of her wheelchair she's shooting pulsating sonic beams out of her wheelchair couldn't they have at least shown her put the brakes on or something you think she'd just like shoot back where I mean when you're a person and you shoot a regular gun it goes like that okay pulsating sonic beams that can blast through Federal Reserve walls would she's in a wheelchair they could have at least showing her blast backwards or something her head shacked like put his hands on it and like aim her that would have been cool a guy Isis a grenade in the room with Shaq and the kid and the kids like there's a hole up there you got to throw the grenade through the hole and Shaq's like I swear to you the grenade doesn't go off for like 20 seconds it's the worst grenade in the world now I'm telling you guys I'm gonna mimic my exact reaction when I saw this scene okay this was my reaction I never made these and follow-through come on [Music] [Music] [Applause] so Shaq reflects a giant blast back to Judd Nelson steals a car saves the day and nearly kills Sparky and Uncle Joe in the process so Judd Nelson is dead and everyone has a party at Grandma's house and she brings out her perfect souffle that fucking thing has more character development than anyone in this movie and then I'm just going to show you this scene because I really can't you just have to see it [Music] I love a girl yep that's steel it was shown in theaters around the world thousands of screens it's a movie that actually exists guys thank you so much for watching my hilarious T review of steel hall man it's not a good one but I appreciate you guys watching and I will do more hilarious ''tis because I really enjoyed doing them and thanks for all of your great requests as well guys thank you so much for watching and as always if you liked this you can click right here [Music]

Channel: Chris Stuckmann

Views: 1,165,954

Rating: 4.9280806 out of 5

Keywords: Steel, 1997, Shaquille O'Neal, Shaq, Movie Review, Hilariocity, So Bad It's Good, Chris Stuckmann, Kenneth Johnson, DC Comics, John Henry Irons, Oracle, Annabeth Gish, Judd Nelson, Scene, Clip, HD, Full Movie, Fight, Final, Battle, Finale, Ending, Spoilers, Reviews, Funny, Hilarious, Comedy, Action, Adventure, Science Fiction, NBA, Basketball Player, Los Angeles Lakers

Id: D2_4tBLbl6Y

Length: 24min 3sec (1443 seconds)

Published: Mon Aug 18 2014