The Wicker Man - Hilariocity Review

okie-dokie time to watch movie gotta pick one I haven't seen before where do I want to watch great movie The Wicker Man starring Nicolas Cage it's a creepy looking girl with white eyes clearly she will be featured in the film at some point I'm sure that well Nicolas Cage is in it so it's a hundred percent guaranteed to be good I think I'll watch this okay look whoa yeah I've been standing here for about a minute hoping that my stupid idiotic past self would somehow make the right choice but I was reminded that I didn't I'm from the future two years in the future in fact and I am warning you do not watch The Wicker Man whoa whoa I'm still wearing the same shirt two years from now you know I really do need a wardrobe change don't I that's besides the point dude listen to me listen to me don't watch this movie listen to yourself don't watch The Wicker Man you will regret it I'm trying to erase it from our memory hold on we have time travel two years from now yes actually you can get it at Walmart for about three hundred ninety six dollars and 96 cents I probably shouldn't be telling you this hmm I don't like what I make that face what I make that face I get into trouble if time-travel gets invented in two years and I probably shouldn't do anything different right otherwise it might not get invented yes then I'm gonna watch it please don't watch it I'm gonna watch it don't watch it I'm gonna put it in the blu-ray player I am begging you please don't watch that movie I'm gonna watch it fine it's your fear it's our funeral fantastic have a great day geeze future me is really paranoid what could possibly be wrong with a Nicolas Cage movie called The Wicker Man I mean it's obviously going to be good it's guaranteed to be good it will be good there is absolutely no doubt in my mind this movie's going to be good it has to be good it starts Nicolas Cage oscar-winning actor it will be good why is future me so dumb if I drown myself in the river in the woods outside you think they'd find my body The Wicker Man starring Nicolas Cage a truly awful movie but it's awful in a very special way it is hilariously awful it is such an atrocity that it is hilarious it's officially a hilarious 'ti so let's talk about it today on my hilarious 'ti review of The Wicker Man starring the one and only Nicolas Cage I did not hit her it's not true it's [ __ ] I did not hit her I did not oh hi mark hi the wicker man they don't get funnier than this guys they honestly they just don't this is one of the best bad movies ever made now my last hilarious T review was for the room I've gotten a lot of requests ever since then to do more and I was thinking to myself Nicolas Cage has made a lot of movies that could fit in with that hilariously title quite a bit there were a few that I could have done there's vampires kiss it's a horrible horrible job and you have to do it you have to or I'll fire you do you understand I never misfiled anything not once not one time my fiancee literally just came to the door and asked me if everything was alright and you can't forget con air why couldn't you put the button back in the box Nicolas Cage is awesome I gotta be honest I love the guy even in a bad movie he entertains me I can't help it I love the guy he seems cool in real life also whatever he's awesome however the Wicker Man is a horrible movie let's talk about it the first time I saw this movie I was in disbelief at how bad it was because it's marketed as this extremely scary thriller it supposed to be a very scary horror movie that's really supposed to disturb you and that's really one of the goals Nicolas Cage had when he set out to remake this movie he wanted to make a very disturbing movie that would haunt our dreams it did in certain ways but probably not the ways that he was hoping so the movie opens with him buying some self-help tapes why is he doing this we don't really know it's never referenced again in the movie even one time it's a very simple and easy way to explain to us that he's not terribly happy except when he picks up the tape he smiles like who picks up a self-help Tim goes yeah this sounds like fun no one happily buys self-help tapes self-help tapes over depressed people you're not happy if you buy one of those the Nicolas Cage's and then we cut to another scene that is the most reference and constantly shown scene in this movie that absolutely has nothing to do with the movie whatsoever so this truck comes along driving on the complete 100% opposite side of the road doesn't see the car there or the police officer and decides to crash into the car and kill everybody and ruin everyone's day then the main title comes up and it's a scene that is constantly constantly referenced throughout this movie you see him in vis this little girl when he's on a boat you see like a truck hit a girl out of nowhere there is no reason for this scene it's never just the scene that's in the movie one time but it said there would be like five times later for no reason at all why so we cut the Nicolas Cage in his home and a fellow police woman brings him some letters he reads these letters and one of them is from an old flame and she is speaking like she is right out of M night Shyamalan's the village I wanted to send you this letter in private because I had to give you this letter and it meant so much to me oh my dear Nicolas Cage you know what she sounds like Olga Pataky from the Hey Arnold Show that's right the older sister of Helga that's what she sounds like Oh baby sister I just love you so much Wow I can imitate her I never realized that it till just out that's not really something to brag about I guess so Nick Cage does some research on this summer's isle place they have a website they have a website this place has a website later in the movie you find out they don't have any phones on the island they got a website though this girl is missing her daughter and she needs his help because he cares about her still these two have thing going on he decides to go out there and find this girl that also reminds me the fact that when he gets the letter he gets an unknown phone call from somebody and it really freaks him out okay so who's the phone call from they don't have phones on this island supposedly who's calling him we never find out it doesn't I guess it doesn't really matter now when he gets to summers Isle he runs into this group of old and incredibly unattractive women who are holding a bloody bag and he asks the first natural question that any of us would ask in this situation what's in the bag a shark or something yeah of course it's a shark I mean what else would be in a bag a shark of course I mean we all carry sharks around in bags don't we that's just what people do so cage walks into the neighborhood bar and there's a woman behind the counter she's technically a woman she looks more like a man but she's a woman he kills a B on the table and that's apparently like blasphemy in this place we'll learn more about bees later that's a very important part of this movie but at the doorway appears his old flame with lips three times the size of your average woman someone's had some injections she stands there looking like a heroin addict and she pretty much looks like a heroin addict throughout the majority of this movie generally every single scene with her has her start speaking and then just stop like mid-sentence she really likes to say sentences and then just stop and not finish it she does it literally I swear it's like all she does she'll be like well what that's all she does in the movie okay so later on in the movie cages in beds sleeping and we get the obligatory dream sequence it seems to come with all these stupid horror movies where you have a character dreaming about something that maybe is slightly integral to the plot except in this movie he dreams about the truck accident again which I have already said has nothing to do with the plot it's just this scene they keep referencing over and over again for no reason to have Nicolas Cage have something to be stressed out about so we can really want some self-help tapes wow this is the perfect dive room to bust out that self-help tape right the one that he bought in the very first scene in the movie that must have some kind of importance no of course not he's not gonna do anything with that ever why would you think that maybe they put that scene in the movie so they could show him wake up and look out the window and see the little girl running down there he sees the girl he's like wow there's the girl I'm gonna go chase her it was like someone was like hey we probably have to have something in this movie that's even remotely thrilling okay we'll have Nicolas Cage like hanging from a piece of wood so after that random scene of him just running around at night we don't really find anything it doesn't lead to anything we meet legally sobieski x' character yes I remember that actresses name sorry I just I remember things it's a weird scene of awkward sexual tension that has no purpose she keeps asking him to take her with him when he leaves and he's like yeah I know now as I say all these things I can't help but think about the things that happen later in the movie and I know how this movie ends and I can't help but think about how none of this makes sense I'll get to that later I will don't worry now there's a part in this movie that I actually start to kind of seriously relate to Nicolas Cage's character and that's because what this movie does is it pits men against women the original Wicker Man was more about Catholicism versus paganism that's more disturbing the whole sexist battle thing isn't really ground for this type of horror movie so at some point in this movie Nicolas Cage's character actually starts to do what the audience is thinking like there are certain moments in the film like when the kids raise their hand and go battle-ax in both phallic symbol he just starts laughing and I'm like yeah that's that's how I feel - man don't worry about it I feel yet within that same scene he opens up a desk and a bird flies out and he goes he trapped a little bird inside see how long he can stand it now why in the hell would you let them do a sick thing like that yeah that's that's exactly what I was thinking - man I agree with you and that's what I'm saying there's a point this movie where Nicolas Cage's character starts to say what the audience is feeling and it's like we are speaking through him and that's kind of what a main character supposed to do in a movie but in this movie I just really do relate to his character at a point in this movie because if there's a poor way he's just like dude what in the hell is this all about man I don't get any of this it's weird and that's how I feel as an audience member so Nic Cage and the girl with the giant lips are talking and she finally admits that the girl they've been searching for is actually their daughter it's like wow I really didn't see that I definitely saw it coming a long time ago but her performance is just just looks like a crack head throughout every scene in this movie it's like they got her all shot up with drugs or something and she can't stop making incomplete sentences it's all she does in the movie is incomplete sentences so like I said there's a point this movie where Nicholas Cage starts to get just about as annoyed as we are as characters like doesn't give a crap anymore he even starts to interrupt characters that we are annoyed with she can swim like like sunshine okay um I legitimately like that about this movie how is characters just at a point like I don't care anymore just just leave me alone God you people are really annoying so Nic Cage sees the old guy come back into plain the old guy a man another man me Amelia's like I have to go find this man I have to run to him because there are so many crazy women on this island get me out of here now in the one to two minute radius it takes for him to run down to the dock the old elderly woman have already taken out the pilot as well as the radio and all of the controls those are some magical speed powers those elderly whim and half pretty impressive then he sees the girl under the docks and he's like I got to go down there and get her and then he wakes up it's another dream another dream the first dream sequence earlier in the movie was like the obligatory dream sequence of the horror movie we have a second one now when he wakes up from the second dream guess what he's not actually up he's still dreaming again another dream sequence another one enough for the dream sequences so later in the movie he's spying on this old lady who's leaving her house as the Emperor's Royal Guards from Return of the Jedi follow her everywhere she goes so after he breaks into her house he finds some fetuses in jars a staple of any horror film you gotta have a fetus in a jar or you might just be making a really good horror movie that doesn't follow the stupid cliche of the fetus inside the jar so next we get to meet the ultimate old hag of all the old hags this is apparently the queen of summers Isle I don't know what she is she's like the queen bee maybe I'm in a bee Joe and he starts to ask her some questions that were pretty much wandering ourselves as audience members were like yeah yeah exactly man and the film script doesn't have any idea how to answer his question so she goes come on let's wander and then it just cuts to some scene and then wandering around she's saying random things I don't actually answer any of his questions or any of our questions so basically you learned that men in this place are only viewed as possible breeders that's what we men do for these women in the wicker man colony of summers Isle we breed you can tell that none of the men have any education as well they're all like like Nicolas Cage bumps into one like Nicolas Cage bumps into one of them and he's it goes like they don't know how to speak hardly at all they're just like worker bees another bee pun Oh so later on he hears a random girl like crying inside a crypt and he's thinking wow that could be the girl so he goes down there and tries to find her and they trap him there and he gets trapped there all night in like neck high water what's the purpose of this I don't know if there was a semblance of a story this movie might be possibly good I really want to bring up the stupid part of this movie that I hate the most but I gotta wait to the end to make it as powerful as possible but I'm remembering all this stuff I'm remembering everything I mentioned so far remembering them trapping him down there at night almost drowning remembering all that so I can bring it up at the end of the review and bring all this home I'll get to it don't worry so now we have one of the best scenes in the whole movie once Nicolas Cage is freed from this trap he is pretty freakin mad and wet and mad and extremely mad and he really wants to know how this thing in his hands got burned how'd it get burned how'd it get burned how'd it get burned out of your burn Mike don't know I just I loved that scene so much now we've come to what I call the WTF house because every door the Nicolas Cage opens in this house that's pretty much what you say in your head I mean there's girls covered in bees old fat men covered in bee stings in here and it's just like every door has a great surprise behind it what's behind door number one Johnny an old fat man with bee stings yeah now this point Nicolas Cage is really starting to break I mean he's even telling people to get off bicycles at gunpoint and it's pretty awesome when he does it I'm telling you I get off that bicycle if you talk to me like that get off the bike step away from the bike take a stupid mask so later on he finds the old pilot he's got no eyes he's got no hands his mouth is sewn shut what does he try to do wake him up yeah he might have been alive so I'm thinking as a viewer who killed the airplane guy well we get a scene explaining that perfectly this old lady who looks like she's about 85 years old is like I took care of that business down there yes I did oh so you kill them okay lady you need a bar by your toilet so you can get up from it after you take a crap there's no way you're gonna kill some guy so his mouth shut cut out his eyeballs cut off his hands in the two minutes it took Nicolas Cage to run down to that plane it ain't happening lady but it doesn't really matter you know why cuz Nicolas Cage can't take it anymore he just can't take these women anymore he's done he snapped he's lost it and he's done with these ladies Nicolas has been let out of the cage ladies and gentlemen he can't take it anymore these ladies are going down now the next scene in this movie is indescribable I can't describe the Nicolas Cage bear suit scene the only way I can think to show just how crazy the scene is is to show you somebody watching it for the first time having no idea what they're about to see so I filmed my fiance watching the bear suit scene for the very first time please enjoy her reaction what are you thinking that huh they actually made that into a movie yes they did through you who said Nicholas Cage should wear a bear suit and run around and punch a girl whoever did thank you man cuz that's the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life and then another display of incredible speed powers as shown as this group of about a hundred people go all the way around a forest the Nicolas Cage is cutting through this forest and somehow they beat him I don't know how but they do and then we get the giant twist explained to us and of course it's explained in a very detailed fashion for us dumb audience members who are too stupid to figure anything out on our own why respect us and allow us to figure things out with great visual storytelling when you can have an old hag goddess lady explain the entire thing to us while she wears her Braveheart paint so apparently the entire scheme behind this thing is they needed somebody who was in some way blood related to someone on the island come to that Island at his own will so they could then sacrifice him hopefully getting their honey crop back someone wrote that down and said that's a good idea and then hundreds of other people said yeah I like that that's a good idea more importantly after each take in this movie somebody in the background said cut print I like that one who said that okay so as I kept hinting throughout this video I'm gonna bring this whole thing around the thing I hate most about this movie is the fact that none of it makes sense the accident the truck scene nothing to do with the movie the self-help tapes nothing to do with the movie okay now we know that they want to kill him they want to sacrifice him he is their only hopeful thing for this honey crop to come back so why did they trap him underground at night where he nearly drowned that would have ruined their whole sacrifice thing wouldn't it how about right there in the opening scene in the movie where he comes and looks at the shark bag there's a whole bunch of those old women with evil speed powers they killed that old guy in Seoul shut his mouth and cut off his eyes and his hands so why not kill Nicholas Cage right there does have to be on this stupid harvest date I guess so but seriously why go through all this rigmarole why all the fake stories why all the lies why the setup why is everyone going through this crazy charade there he is on the island in the beginning of the movie just imprison him right there you got the old women with the evil speed powers right in front of him she can kill people pretty well she ripped out of guys I sold shut his mouth and cut off his hands remember I keep referencing that because really how dumb is that she's like 85 years old don't trap him in a well at night if you're gonna kill him these people are idiots they are so stupid they can't even do what they want to do successfully but somehow it all works because they have evil speed powers but they decide to go through all this stuff and it's like why because there wouldn't be a movie if they didn't so next we get the infamous be seen and the best lines of the entire movie are spoken throughout the scene but Jess you betcha killing me won't bring back your goddamn money ah the phrase oh my god is used a lot in movies Nicolas Cage's The Wicker Man has my favorite usage of it ever Oh God oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god so he dies he burns alive it's terrible and you see these women they look so happy about it they're making these faces like oh and you hate it because you hate these characters it isn't creepy or disturbing like the original was it's just maddening and the worst type of way The Wicker Man is a horrible movie it is so so bad but it's also so so funny if you guys ever get a chance to watch this movie check it out with some friends you will enjoy it until next time guys I will be doing more hilarious 'ti reviews let me know someone you'd like to see in the comments below and have a nice day and know the Wicker Man guys as always thanks so much for watching and if you like this you can click right here and get stuck man iced the plot thickens didn't even know you had a plot okay

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Views: 1,777,351

Rating: 4.9068332 out of 5

Keywords: The Wicker Man, Movie Review, Chris Stuckmann, Nicolas Cage, 2006, Not the Bees, Torture, Oh My God, Scene, Clip, HD, Full Movie, Reviews, Ending, Best Scenes, Hilarious, Comedy, Horror, Unintentional, Neil Labute, Remake, Death, Bear, Suit, Punch, Woman, Hilariocity, The Room (Film), Whats in the Bag, A Shark

Id: _Uo_lcqB8rM

Length: 21min 31sec (1291 seconds)

Published: Sat Jan 11 2014