Jaws: The Revenge - Hilariocity Review

I did not hit her it's not true it's [ __ ] I did not hit her and it's not oh hi mark I love my eyes I didn't miss anything that's what what time jaw's the revenge because apparently I like talking about total [ __ ] and you guys seem to enjoy watching it so here I am doing it again welcome back to another hilarious 'ti review my last one was Batman and Robin you guys really enjoy that and he requested me to do more of these so I'm back talking about not only one of the worst sequels ever made I actually think jaws or revenge is one of the worst movies ever made but it's pretty hilarious and awesome and I've wanted to do a review of jaws 4 for a long time because Siskel and Ebert did a video review of this movie and that was one of the first video reviews that made me want to do movie reviews so it really inspired me and I felt the need to bring my brand of destruction to jaws the revenge because there's just no stopping making fun of this movie now I'm not going to describe the plot of Jaws for yet until later in this video because it's by far one of the funniest parts of this movie and I want to savor it so the movie opens with the cliched underwater viewing shot you see the point of view of the shark and then it comes up over the water but you can kind of see above the water as well so it's almost like you're really the point of view of the fin because you're seeing what the shark is seeing but you're seeing above water but you know what this shark spends the majority of the movie above water and cut underneath it so I guess it does make sense in Jaws the revenge when you see the shark at the top of the water you only see its fin drying out and yet when you get the sharks point of view like we just look at the people it's like its eyes are above the water too that's a logical error among many logical errors you've got that right within seconds you know the filmmakers don't care about you because there's this horrible sped up shot of Ellen Brody's hand approaching the fridge where you can tell they just thought well she did that too slowly so we're gonna have to speed that up and post but it looks like garbage so Ellen Brody is on a mini island with her son there's Christmas carolers for some reason this movie took place during Christmas time and her son has to go out on the water of course to clear away some wood that floated into something and got stuck and what do you know there's a shark and he dies in a flurry of cuts and shoppi editing that are apparently supposed to tell us that someone's being eaten alive by a shark but it really just looks like if you handed a camera to an NFL quarterback and told him to throw it into the ocean and then you get that shot of just like spinning and spinning and blurry and then eventually something splashes in the water you're not entirely sure what it was that's Jaws fours way of showing a shark attack so Ellen Brody's son dies and of course she's really broken up about it her other son Michael comes to Amity Island he's a marine biologist of course because what else would he do if it didn't involve water despite his entire family being constantly attacked by sharks and within just five minutes jaws for feels like a melodramatic soap opera that you'd find on daytime TV there's nothing about this movie that tells you it's a summertime thrill ride this movie is depressing as hell gloomy dreary and ugly now I mentioned the plot earlier and here is where we get our first little taste of said plot tainted what its waited all this time and it came to him apparently this specific shark came for her son so Roy Scheider the star of the first two films was smart enough to say no to the third one and even smarter to say no to this one so they killed him off for some reason that's right he had a heart attack between movies now the reason that he had a heart attack was because of hey come on can't believe that voodoo chefs don't commit murder they don't pick out a person hit up Sean get killed your father dad dad from a heart attack he died from fear the fear of it killed him I would think if anyone on this planet would not be afraid of sharks it would be the guy who killed two already so now we get a little more introduction to Mike Brody her son the marine biologist character and during this scene in the middle of his dialogue he just takes off running for no apparent reason kids always wanted to do a house the only thing I can think of for why that would happen is the writers all of a sudden were like oh my god guys we don't have time to finish the scene just have it run away seriously is this movie depressing or what there's someone crying or moaning or screaming in every scene so Ellen Brody understandably is feeling very broken up she already lost her husband to a heart attack because he's really afraid of sharks and she just lost her son to an actual shark so she's feeling sad and she is screaming at her son I want you to get out of the water I want you to give up that terrible job I don't want anyone in my family anywhere near the water never again so guess where she goes in the very next scene okay okay a boat in the water so yeah and once again my god this movie is so sad it's so depressing who thought jaws the revenge needed to be a cry fest it's like spider-man three had a baby with jaws 3 sucked any fun that was in both of those films out and it became jaws for the movie where everyone cries all the time and it's sad and disgusting and dreary and horrible so we're watching the movie and things are happening and what the [ __ ] is Michael Caine doing in this movie Michael Caine why are you in this movie man so Michael Caine collects a paycheck playing an airline pilot in fact this is actually known as one of his paycheck pictures other ones included movies like the swarm and of course what would any responsible pilot do to a family that's just lost a loved one and has all the remaining members in his own cabin right come on man Harrison Ford would be ashamed Harrison Ford's the man so next we are greeted with the cheapest most minut most simple level of thrill possible in a movie like they say I'm setting out live I hate when that happens a dream sequence people were groaning in the theater when that happened I mean I want to go up and punch a hole in the screen now when I watched the original classic jaws film and even the alright jaws - and screw it the hilarious jaws 3 all of those movies still feel like summer movies because they all take place during this summer they still have a vibe of fun infused into them even the terrible jaws 3 still feels a little bit warm a little bit inviting they all feel that way the choice to place jaws 4 during Christmas was the most horribly misguided choice since like hey let's just have diehard 5 just be [ __ ] terrible so finally we get our first look at the shark please observe that's it zero suspense zero ok there's no suspense it cuts directly to a close-up of the shark which by the way just follow them from New York to the Bahamas the shark followed them from New York to the Bahamas now Michael Caine shows up again in this movie reminding us that he wanted to buy a nice big house did you know that he was unable to accept his Oscar win in person because of his work on this movie and in another example of the worst pilot in history take the wheel no I can't show you Carol I mean I don't know how yep nobody does delaila at this point in the movie we are 30 minutes into this film and there has been no suspense I mean nothing absolutely nothing it's been a soap opera the entire time and then finally something happens the shark shows up and starts chewing on Mike's boat and during this scene we get to see Ellen's first use of her psychic connection with the shark much wrong so yeah this random shark is hunting the Brody family this shark that apparently is buddies with the other three sharks is now hunting the Brody family it's like the shark was like I don't like you because you killed my three buddies I'm gonna travel to the Bahamas I'm gonna I'm gonna kill the Brody family and I'm gonna fight all you sons of [ __ ] because I was shark [ __ ] and I'm gonna find you and you're going down bro I can't even contain it oh my god that's the dumbest plot ever in a movie I think it's the number one dumbest plot in the movie ever guys I really do even the tagline of this movie is this time it's personal and speaking of that tagline I recall a scene from Jaws - you don't think that the shark was destroyed that another shark could could come in sharks don't take things personally mr. Boddy apparently none of the elementary school writers who wrote this script had seen jaws - so okay I'll deal with that and since we're all sitting there watching this jaws movie hoping for a thrilling film we want some suspense we want some entertainment we want to see some shark action and we want to see some cool characters involved with said shark action the filmmakers thought well hey they don't want any of that we just want to see these characters wandering around the city blah blah blah about random [ __ ] and dancing and guess what they're kind of go dancing again because that's what we want to see we want to see these two middle-aged - slightly older people just partying that's what we want to do right now but in a film so stupid with hardly any real action or any real suspense at least maybe the dialogue can save it right I'd always wanted to make love to an angry welder I've dreamed of nothing else since I was nope so they rigged a tracker and stick it in the shark that's out for [ __ ] revenge and we're almost immediately returned to sad relationship drama and boring serious family discussions because they needed to remind us that we were watching jaws the soap opera and do you remember how annoying that first dream sequence was the cheapest possible level of thrill you can have in a movie now about the next dream sequence another is only enhanced and the dream sequences why do they do that in the movie if there's anything that annoys an audience it's the dream sequence I hate that stunt it's old it's cheap it's a lousy gimmick and I wish they would stop doing it in the films most clever dramatic scene is actually a direct ripoff of the first Jaws in the first Jaws Roy Scheider and his son mimicked each other by touching themselves on the face it was so cute and so touching the best jaws 4 can do in regards to drama is ripoff one of the best scenes in the first jaws so jaws attacks Mike's boat and you can tell they always have to frame the shark with his lower belly out of shot so they can hide whatever they use to move him around it's pathetic so after being attacked directly by the shark that his own mother has warned him as hunting their family he gets out of the water and then two minutes later he goes right back into the water where he knows this shark is that wants to eat him I'm telling you the writers have completely given up on giving us compelling reasons for anything to happen at this point because it's the fourth film in the franchise they've got no more ideas and they're assuming they have a built-in audience that's going to provide them with funds to continue to make jaws movies forever so Ellen gets more psychic readings as jaws approaches this banana boat with a bunch of kids on it and eats a woman I'm telling you she has a psychic connection with the shark I'm not making this up it's actually in the movie whenever the shark is nearby she actually gets up and bolts and looks out into the ocean like she recognizes that the shark is there they have a connection she's like an x-men I'm telling you it's [ __ ] crazy so she gets really mad she deels this boat and goes out into the ocean on her own what exactly is she attempting to accomplish she has no gear no weaponry nothing what is she going to do against this shark is she going to throw herself at the shark is she literally going to jump into the ocean allow the shark to eat her so that it can all be over ah this movie just made me have a short circuit in my neck so all the characters magically meet up for the big finale and before Michael Caine shows up with his airplane to take them to wherever she is you're telling me they planned to sail out into the ocean on that with the giant freaking shark that can sail across the country so they find Ellen they crash land their plane into the ocean and these it is jump into the water where the man-eating shark is and swim to the boat and here's Ellen's explanation for her actions why did you take a boat realize what you were doing I had to do it nothing else to do you shouldn't have done it the shark then attacks Michael Caine his reaction is amazing it probably is the best part of the movie but of course he survives set attack climbs out of the boat and that last scene is preceded by one of the most glaring errors in recent movie history Michael Caine has been in the water has swim to safety onto the boat but in the very next scene his shirt is as dry as if it just been freshly laundered it's not even the next shot Michael Caine actually comes over the rail out of the water and he's totally dry I was sitting in a theater and I said his shirt is dry you know this preview audience laughs preciate that you know I always hate it when people talk during the movies but I don't know that seemed to go over pretty well yeah that's right Roger Ebert his shirt is dry now Michael Caine's apparent explanation for this was that they took so long for the next set up to be done that his shirt dried in the Sun they couldn't just spray them down with some water I mean how easy is that you just take your in there's a water tank you're in a water tank right there just take some water just throw it on them so they rigged what I call a movie device it's an object that doesn't actually exist in real life and thus must be explained to the audience and preferably extremely fast so that we don't question its lunacy they have some kind of electronic thing that resembles a flashlight that will obviously electrocute the shark after he eats it at the push of a button so they successfully get this electronic thing into the shark's mouth as it launches itself out of the water as I said spends way more time out of the water than in it and then pulls this extremely obvious stunt double down underneath in more examples of Ellen's incredible psychic abilities she starts to have flashbacks to events that she never witnessed in fact no one witnessed we were the only people us as the audience who got to see Roy Scheider blow up a shark we were the only people who got to see her son be killed and yet somehow she is able to recall these memories because she's a [ __ ] x-man now this is the best part of the movie I'm telling you guys this is the best part of the movie there's nothing on earth better than this the shark is like balancing on its back fin okay on top of the water as they zap it with the electronic thingy and it starts roaring like a [ __ ] lion I swear to you it starts growling like a [ __ ] lion sharks don't have vocal cords or even lungs they what happened it roared like a lie oh my god [ __ ] locusts that's not the best part as it balances on its fin she Rams the boat into it and it explodes you it explodes the short blows up for no reason it blows up oh my god now there is an uncut ending to this movie and it's much better apparently it's only available on like certain cuts of the movie it was shown on a few TV stations and I don't know about what country had it or what country didn't have it but she rammed the shark in this ending and she impales it and the shark is like it's like spraying absurd amounts of shark blood everywhere and then the shark breaks off and falls into the ocean that was a much better ending than the actual ending we got in the theatrical cut that steals the exact shot from the end of the first jaws of the shark sinking into the ocean they actually took the exact shot oh yeah and by the way this dude is still alive after he was eaten by a shark and then they were electrocuting said shark and then it somehow blew up yeah that guy lived in the next scene they're magically back on land now they needed a plane to get out there their boat sank their plane sank how did they get back on land I'm telling you I swear this movie was written by elementary schoolers in fact you know what that's what they did Universal took this script sent it to an elementary school somewhere and asked all the kids to pass it around and say hey write down what you think will be cool in a shark movie and they all went oh cool yeah well I'd like to see a guy fly around and do stunts okay there you go well I think a shark should follow a family around the world okay there you go well I think somebody should be so afraid of a shark that he dies because he's afraid of the shark okay there you go well I think that sharks can roar like lions and I want to see a shark roaring like a lion there you go that's what happened with this script I guarantee it jaws 4 is one of the worst movies ever made ever by a person ever got a shark they can travel from New York to the Bahamas just because it has a grudge against a family because three of his other shark buddies blew up once it has Ellen Brody and her amazing psychic powers that allow her to know when a shark is nearby and to have flashbacks to memories that she never witnessed and no living person did witness and let's not forget that the shark can growl like a [ __ ] lion guys thank you so much for watching this hilarious tea review I'm very much looking forward to bringing you guys more of these because I've gotten absurd amounts of requests to do more I'm really enjoying these and thank you so much as always forgive me those requests because it's really cool to be able to know what you guys are thinking and one of the biggest ones I got was vampire's kiss with Nicolas Cage yes that movie is amazing and that's going to be my next hilarious 'ti thank you so much as always for watching guys and if you like this you can click right here and get stuck menage

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Views: 1,513,541

Rating: 4.9271269 out of 5

Keywords: Jaws: The Revenge, Jaws 4, Movie Review, Hilariocity, Chris Stuckmann, Roy Scheider, Lorraine Gary, Lance Guest, Mario Van Peebles, Joseph Sargent, Peter Benchley, Steven Spielberg, Scene, HD, Full Movie, Trailer, Teaser, Clip, Banana Boat, Bad, Awful, Hilarious, Funny, 1987, Reviews, Michael Caine, Ending, Uncut, Alternate, Soundtrack, DVD

Id: BTsyFNq0XM4

Length: 21min 25sec (1285 seconds)

Published: Sun Mar 22 2015

Reddit Comments

[u/Error404-]

Cause I'm a shark Motherfucker