Battlefield Earth - Hilariocity Review

I did not hit her it's not true it's [ __ ] I did not hit her I did not oh hi mark I love my eyes I didn't miss anything what what [Music] Battlefield Earth never in my life did I ever want to say that title in a video on my channel but I started a segment entitled hilarious Adira views in which I talk about films that are such atrocities they are hilarious and so it's my own fault if you guys follow me on Twitter you would have seen that over the past few days I have actually been attempting to watch Battlefield Earth in its entirety it took me two days over the course of like three to four sittings to finish this movie I think I've watched about 17 minutes of it before I said no can't take it anymore off later that day I watch about another 20 minutes of it and I couldn't take it anymore and to turn it off again this is a true story I actually sat down with my fiancee and she encouraged me to finish it like she had to give me like Yoda advice she was like it will be fine dude do not there is no try you told them you do it I was like I know honey I'm trying but thankfully I finished the film took about 10 pages of notes and Here I am to talk about one of the worst films ever made now you may be thinking to yourself Chris how is this a hilarious 'ti it's so bad you had such a hard time watching it isn't it supposed to be entertaining if you think it's a hilarious 'ti and I wanna see Battlefield Earth inhabits a different section of the hilarious 'ti review it's a film that as you watch it you begin to be in such awe the fact that it actually exists on this earth and it just becomes so funny when you actually imagine someone filming the damn thing and saying yeah that's the shot I like we'll use that one nevertheless a quick backstory about this film John Travolta really wanted to make this film because he is a Scientologist and the book is written by the founder of Scientology this man wanted John Travolta to make this movie for many years he wanted the film to be in the vein of Star Wars and John Travolta it was like a passion project you just wanted to be made so bad the movie opens and it says Battlefield Earth a saga of the year 3000 it's almost like they decided okay we're not gonna use that subtitle they just wanted to call it Battlefield Earth they had already rendered the title screen so they couldn't go back and change it because that cost money something these filmmakers clearly didn't have much of and the movie is called Battlefield Earth but in my opinion it should just be called evil laughter the movie because that's all this movie is it's a whole bunch of scenes in which it ends with somebody going ha ha ha haha now before I get into talking about what actually happens in this movie I feel the need to inform you that basically every shot in this film is at a Dutch angle slanted a 45 degree angle however you want to call it every single shot almost in this film is like that if you saw Thor and thought there was too much of that in there go watch Battlefield Earth Thor is gonna be like a drop in the bucket compared to Battlefield Earth every single shot in this film looks so incredibly ugly that it just makes your eyes bleed movie opens with Barry Pepper and he's sliding down a hill on a horse or a stuntman is anyway he returns to his small little village in which mankind is just almost nearly extinct we learned that because of a quick little sentence that pops up on the screen to explain it to us he wasn't able to find any food or any supplies of any kind he talks to this girl that you immediately kind of guess she's a girl friend is something I just there's no there's nothing there's no depth of any kind it's just a girl and you're supposed to be like okay she's she's a girl and he's a guy so they must be together he gets very upset and throws a rock or something into the air with this horribly audio dub scream and this horrific Allah badly framed shot and let me get our first wipe yeah every single scene this movie ends with a white cut every one of them there's maybe like one or two that dozen but most of them just go boom it was like they watch Star Wars and we're like hey there's a lot of cool wipes and transitions in that movie let's just do that because that's why Star Wars was good right cuz it had cool transitions so he's in his cave with some of his fellow men and they're all scared of these demons these things that are apparently outside that are keeping them from venturing beyond their cave and he sites to get up and do some sort of intense dramatic display for his fellow man in regards to this whole thing about there being demons out there has anyone here ever seen one a demon Oh a monster oh please yeah I don't understand the purpose of that but that's just that's just the start okay the more things happen so our hero Barry Pepper whose name is Johnny by the way like the most conventional hero name ever for the year 3000 for a cave dwelling man who's afraid of demons outside his house his name's Johnny he decides to venture out because he doesn't believe all that stuff he wants to go see what else is out there and he's on his horse and everything and just put this lame-o every set in this movie or location looks like complete [ __ ] he comes across these two guys who are very hostile and I gotta say this scene had me holding my sides doubled over from laughing what I don't get about this guy this guy who I'm gonna call the monkey guy for the rest of this review later in the film and throw it even this scene he speaks perfect English and yet he makes monkey noises constantly it's crazy and you wonder why the [ __ ] aliens call him man animals throughout the whole movie so these guys are going on and on about the fact there are gods everywhere you can see him everywhere they've done things to people they frozen people while they stand the thing that confuses me is it took him like not even a day to ride out there on his horse and he's in awe of everything he sees are you seriously telling me that no one in that cave of people even decided to venture out and look around them less than a day's ride extremely abruptly this little green laser being like wisps into one of the guys and he just blows backwards and you see that this dreadlocked alien creature is shooting them with these little beams they're like this big honestly a CGI laser beam is one of the easiest things for a CGI artist to create I did it on [ __ ] Microsoft Paint when I was a teenager for one of my stupid little Star Wars short films I actually had little booboo I did it on Microsoft Paint and they looked better than these things in Battlefield Earth so Johnny gets shot by one of these beams and he blasts through all this glass in this horrible slow-mo frame rate matrix attempt to copy off the matrix that's another thing I want to talk about because movie came out in the year 2000 it's very clear that filmmakers saw the matrix while making this movie and thought we need to rip that off because that's all we have I'll get to it more but there are so many moments in this movie that just look like they're tell me to copy off the matrix especially with a slow motion but the problem is the slow motion is so poorly done you can tell the not every scene it's in slow motion was meant to be in slow motion when they filmed it because they're not filming it at a frame rate that makes slow motion look good they're filming it at a normal frame rate and then in post trying to slow it down except it looks like garbage because it wasn't filmed at a frame rate that actually supports slow motion so you can actually tell that it's like they were watching the matrix while filming Battlefield Earth and we're like oh my gosh this is the next big thing this is what we need to do and so they slow mode like everything but it looks like [ __ ] so Johnny gets imprisoned in this ship and it gets transported to Jamaica I'm calling it Jamaica cuz everyone there has dreadlocks and there's lots of drugs and alcohol going around and quite a bit of firearms that's that's racist okay so Johnny kills one of them by screaming [Music] and then he tries to flee and as he's running you can just see him like flailing his arms like this I'm like who [ __ ] runs like that no one [ __ ] runs like that ever sorry I'm seeing words I don't usually say smoothly just movie Johnny slips and falls and this is when we meet John Travolta's character Turell and he's wearing stilts everyone in this movie who is an alien wears stilts it's so obvious too because the way they walk there's like earth oh oh it's like oh my god where's stilts right now I hope no one notices Soter lie actually gives Johnny a gun he's like here's a gun just take it I don't know why and then Johnny's like he just glares at everyone he could have shot them all including John Travolta the main villain he could just shot him right there John Duvall doesn't have some special shield or something you could just shot him right there there was no Scientology shield of any kind it could have activated that moment you could've just shot him but he doesn't he just glares at him and finally he decides to kill of course some random little minion side character and then he just gets in a headlock and that's it worst hero ever and of course they all laugh evilly [Laughter] so Travolta meets up with this movies version of the Emperor from Return of the Jedi and they have a quick little discussion about how John Travolta is gonna be transferring out of this place soon then they want to blow up earth afterwards and of course they have a laugh about it evilly let's exterminate the lot of them oh you're too much but soon poor Johnny learns that his transfer request was declined and more evil laughter ensues we've decided to keep you here for another 50 cycles whatever the options for renew with endless options for renew with endless options for renew we decided to keep you on for 50 cycles with endless options for renewal endless options for renewal endless options for renewal till next scene we have John Travolta at a bar and he's being served to drink by a conehead so these guys are called cyclos they hate humans they refer to them as man animals and yet they follow quite a bit of human customs like having bars and getting drunk and even speaking the English language now that language thing is a little confusing in this movie isn't it if you've watched this movie you know what I'm talking about sometimes they'll just be speaking their Psychlo language and then all of a sudden are speaking English sometimes it mixes together and then there are times when there are subtitles on the screen it's like they can't decide to let us know that it's speaking English for fun or if they're speaking syclo right now and we're just hearing English it doesn't make any sense nothing in this movie makes sense half this movie is Travolta at a bar drinking some sort of green fluid I'm not kidding he's have said he's not getting transferred and he gets so upset with Forest Whitaker and he goes on this rant about before you weren't even learning how to spell your name I was being trained to conquer galaxies it's just amazing to me that this dialogue was written you know and then performed by a man who looks like that and filmed by professionals who said that's the one we're gonna put in the movie while you were still learning how to spell your name I was being trained to conquer galaxies the wickedly talented one and only until it doesn't spell your name Adela that does he yeah I went there so we finally cut back to our hero who's imprisoned and he's fighting for a green food while he wears green clothes and people with green eyes watch we get it green stuff you like the look of green the green filter for all these scenes we get it the matrix happened the matrix was awesome quit copying off of it please Thanks now we get a couple of random scenes in which the villains talk about random bla bla bla crap in which they are trying to get to a point a point that progresses the plot I've seen this done in really horrible movies where they're like in this scene a character needs to do this but we need to stretch out the runtime so we'll just have them talk about random stuff the whole time right okay that's what we do they just keep talking about stuff that actually has absolutely nothing to do with the plot at all and then at the end John Travolta will be like oh by the way it'd be nice if man animals mind for us wouldn't it oh you don't like that idea what I like it a lot ha ha ha but seriously John Travolta wants humans to learn how to mine so they can find more gold if Lee would you train them how to mine [Laughter] operating machinery and everyone just doubts him instantly I'm like you guys are currently living around the rubble of mankind later in the film they go to a library that is filled with mankind's history they clearly never really got too much into reading that they should be able to realize that humans are capable of doing [ __ ] and they just keep doubting them all the time cuz they're so stupid worst villains ever so we see Johnny marching with the other prisoners and some random collapse of some kind happens on a structure that gives him a chance to escape and run around in slow motion of course with this horrible droning score in the background and then he gets shot by a sound effect we don't even see the beam this time it's like they didn't even take the time to animate this the Rabine and the funny thing is that like throughout this movie the humans are always like we are worth something these people are disrespecting us and everything and then they just start screaming like Apes and monkeys the whole time and you're like no wonder they call you man animals you idiots you like [ __ ] monkeys over there seriously what'd they do I just homo is oh oh oh battlefield oh oh this next scene is so nuts like I don't get it John Travolta decides I think that like he thinks Johnny is resourceful so he decides to somehow transport him and two other people to this icy Mountain to search for food so that he can learn what humans favorite food is so that he can persuade them do things for him how is this relevant I was this [ __ ] do anything like I just don't get it what does that to do anything ah if he wants to find out what humans favorite food are you could just walk up and say what do you want to eat I just turned to Bill Cosby what do you want to you want to chocolate cake do you want to chocolate cake for breakfast chocolate cake milk eggs that's nutrition jell-o pudding pops Jim I just went on the biggest tangent of a Bill Cosby impression in my life I am not editing that out I'm keeping it in this video I do not care but seriously I don't even understand what the point of this scene is it just cuts and all of a sudden he's like yeah Steve been out there for three days they've got to be hungry by now what like we were just another scene they somehow just teleport out there and all of a sudden they've been out there for three days on this icy Mountain they'd eat anything and of course they'd find a rat and so all these like rats that's what they like yes rats well feed the rats that will persuade them to to do something because we're evil but the scene ends in a great way so at least there's that check this out first off hitting his head on the ceiling is amazing but then Forest Whitaker's like slow-mo turns smile wipe cut it's pretty amazing but I don't understand why it's there all of a sudden we have a scene that's actually shot normally I don't get where it came from but of course a ship comes down and Johnny throws a stick at it worst hero ever so Travolta grabs Johnny and we're like oh my gosh are we actually about to see some menace some real villainy a scene that actually makes John Travolta out to be an actual villain no he's just gonna leave the room well Johnny has some machine teach him stuff about Psychlo because clearly the way to deal with your enemy is to educate them on everything make them smarter and make them better at everything that they weren't good at before worst villains in a movie Ville time so next basically Johnny becomes the Rain Man of man animals that's right he's drawn shapes on the ground he's just pulling facts out of his head he knows everything facts are spurting all over the place she learned something about molecular biology this is the symbol for water so this machine could teach molecular biology but it can't teach the damn cyclos what humans favorite foods are again what was the toughest of the food scene why did they have to be stranded on an ice mountain for three days just to eat a rat and drown their favorite food is rap that's it brother so next in his continuing string to educate his enemy on everything John Travolta takes his character to a library filled with books that have been in the open air for 1,000 years of course these books are in pretty good shape and his cuts and dust on him yeah that would never happen so all of a sudden these group of forest freaks just burst out of the forest and they're basically the Ewoks of this film and you can really just see all the ways they were trying to copy off the Star Wars throughout this movie for a second Johnny gets the upper hand he has the gun pointed directly at Travolta he's sitting there with a gun pointed out I'm in drool just like didn't you learn anything about your species humans were the only species ever to hunt animals for sport so he knows about human history about how we hunted animals for sport think he'd know about how he hunted animals for food too and that our favorite food isn't rats I'm gonna keep pointing back to that because that is the dumbest scene in his movie nothing in that scene makes sense nothing about it makes sense nothing nothing in that scene Rickson not a thing me and my men are with you in like two seconds Johnny convinces everyone to fight against the cyclos including these forest freaks we met exactly 1 minute ago we know nothing about these people they just burst out of the woods they're like hey we're here in the movie too what do you guys want to do hey let's go war okay let's do it oh oh who are you I hope [ __ ] know where you are let's be in a war together okay let's do it that's the scene that's the scene that is the see pictures you're like hey who are you I don't know who you are let's do it let's go then he gives the gun back to John Travolta he just gives it to him he does like this cheesy flip like I can determine it gives it back resulting in another man getting his head blown off by Turrell and he sees his girlfriend's been captured the girlfriend we met for one minute in the beginning of the movie worst hero ever so next we have a scene in which John Travolta once again is kind of getting drunk at a bar because that's all he does is lounge around at a bar and drink baby cycle on a straight diet of her Bango what during this portion of the movie actually paused it and I said to myself this entire movie is about John Travolta's character trying to get knowest that's it he's just wants attention his big sinister scam is he wants people to look at him that's it so Travolta leaves him and some other humans on a mountain to mine for some of this gold and he's like I'm gonna be watching you and he sees some drone fly over and he has like some little thing that says this is me watching you and okay I guess I guess he's watching him I don't know what that means because the drone flew over and then we get like a still image I don't get it this movie should not have been called Battlefield Earth there's no battling in this movie it's like the last 10 minutes of it are battling and this movie's called Battlefield Earth that should have been called evil laughter and the day John Travolta wanted to get noticed so all of a sudden the humans decide you know what we're gonna fly to Fort Knox the safe is open in Fort Knox it's open and the gold is all perfect perfect it is pristine again the safe is open in Fort Knox and their gold is perfect I don't understand I did Bill Cosby getting the gold perfect I was there was go around fully why is that how oh and I thought John Travolta was watching them apparently they were able to fly to Fort Knox and take some gold and he didn't notice worst villain ever so they meet up with the random forest freak people to plan their revolt again what was with the intro of those characters they burst out of the woods wet it your boy you're pretty cool too hey let's be at a war together now in a war I guess they're planning their revolt and we're supposed to be into it so the Rainman of man animals is talking to the forest freaks and his friends and they're like we need to get to the radiation bomb storage in Texas how the [ __ ] these people know what he's talking about they're monkeys they are always talking about it it's like yeah the radiation bomb storage okay okay don't matter monkeys again what was the point of giving Johnny all that knowledge at that knowledge machine it is the dumbest script writing I've ever encountered in my life it's like okay we have a dumb stupid hero and a dumb stupid villain we'll give him a knowledge machine to make him smart because that's the only way we can get him to be a cool enough hero to do anything he doesn't earn any of this knowledge he sits there goes Oh as the machine feeds him knowledge and apparently all of a sudden he's a really smart guy and it's so stupid is such a stupid writing point you don't care at all about this guy he sat in a chair and all of a sudden he's a cool badass and he can do stuff yes the matrix I know the matrix he plugged into the matrix he learned kung fu I know Battlefield Earth just doesn't understand how to do it right plus in the matrix you actually see him training in his mind so it worked so they get these jets because he knows where Jets are and of course the jet fuel is absolutely fine after 1,000 years and of course all the lights are on in the area now let me ask you a question where in the hell is this electricity coming from it's been a thousand years since mankind's extinction there's jet fuel that survives books that aren't rubble and electricity is still around for us to harness into light bulbs and of course Fort Knox is safe was wide open with all the gold in it so Forest Whitaker's character is convinced by Johnny that Travolta has just been using him this whole time you think and he tries to blackmail John Travolta's character apparently John Travolta had killed the bartender who was the only other person that Forest Whitaker gave a copy of John Travolta's security footage of him being a dick and somehow Travolta knew that cut off the bartender's head and placed it in the exact room that Forest Whitaker would be and when Forest Whitaker said I know what you're up to how did that happen he's such a dumb villainy against somehow teleport and do all these things it's amazing these shoots off Forest Whitaker's hand apparently these people don't feel any pain so the humans begin to enact their revolt and of course all the explosives they have say explosives on it might as well just say Acme just make it a Looney Tunes episode already finally the battle in Battlefield Earth starts and it is a incredibly slow motion matrix ripoff shootout that looks exactly like the lobby shootout scene in the matrix except without any skill style of any kind it just looks horrible now here come the forest to Ewok monkey people and they're flying these 1000 year old Jets yeah they became expert fighter pilots in seven days so they attempt to blow up the glass that's surrounding this place because the aliens can't breathe the air or they have to do those stupid things and knows whatever it doesn't break all the way I just cracks John Travolta's like kill all men animals shoot it will do whatever you want if all you're even letting it to spell your name in the middle this scene when some of these humans are dying here in the background this really muffled voice go there killer laws I was like so it actually recorded that and put it in the movie it was kind of like in the older spongebob episodes where explosions would be happening in the background you'd hear my leg it's exactly like that so the monkey guy blows himself up with all of the explosions that he for whatever reason did not initially use to blow the dome that just so happened to be in his ship he kills himself raining thousands upon thousands of shards of glass upon everyone humans and cyclos great plan so one random guy ops to sacrifice himself and he teleports himself to the planet cyclo with a bomb blows up the planet cyclo instantly somehow Travolta and Johnny are like this fighting horrible slow-mo close-up it's so bad it's like Alex Cross bad Johnny tricks Travolta into blowing up his own arm and of course these people apparently they just don't feel pain I guess the humans have a cringe-inducing scene in which they mourn their losses and then the girlfriend runs to him in slow motion and they hug and the music is old orchestral in the background it's it's really really bad so now they've got John Travolta sans one-armed imprisoned around his gold and of course it's almost like his entire characters arc revolves around his changing laughter so Forest Whitaker shows up and he's on the human side now because John Travolta was a dick to him throughout the whole movie and guess what he does so what exactly did John Travolta accomplish with this movie well he wanted more attention and glory for himself he didn't get it so he captured some humans taught them knowledge which led to them revolting against him and imprisoning him worst villain ever and he still couldn't figure out that humans don't like to eat rat Battlefield Earth is an incredibly awful movie but as you watch it you begin to laugh at the fact that this thing actually exists on earth this movie was actually made and shown in theaters around the world this thing actually happened it is so incredibly bad in every way there is not one good thing about this movie not the production design the script the directing the acting not even the musical score is good like even when you have a bad movie at least a composer can come in and be like I'm gonna at least try to make a good score for this movie but it's just this endless string of sounds that are meant to in some way make some of the scenes bearable but it doesn't just this droning noise throughout the movie everything in Battlefield Earth is bad but it's fun to watch because there isn't really another movie like this out there guys I love doing these hilarious key reviews what did you think of Battlefield Earth if you saw it I actually know someone who doesn't hate this movie so they're out there man thanks as always for watching guys and if you liked this review you can click right here and get stuck menage [Music]

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Views: 1,917,038

Rating: 4.8371568 out of 5

Keywords: Battlefield Earth, Hilariocity, Movie Review, Chris Stuckmann, John Travolta, Forest Whitaker, Barry Pepper, Roger Christian, Scientology, Ron L. Hubbard, Scientologist, Scene, Clip, Full Movie, Ending, Laughing, Laughter, Spell Your Name, Conquer Galaxies, Adele Dazeem, Funny, Comedy

Id: Efier0fVWH0

Length: 29min 58sec (1798 seconds)

Published: Fri May 23 2014