Samurai Cop - Hilariocity Review

I did not hit her it's not true it's [ __ ] I did not hit her I did not oh hi mark I love my eyes tiny anything that's what time Wow one of my most requested titles to talk about in the hilarious 'ti format has been samurai cop now that I've seen it I understand why it's barely even a movie this thing wasn't even released in theaters it went straight to VHS at some point then just got buried by obscurity eventually it was rediscovered and now it is one of the best worst movies of all time and oh my god having seen it I can see why I first heard about this movie from my buddy fanboy flicks he did a really funny review of it and I was like huh that movie looks movie looks special so I decided to check it out myself I don't even know where to begin I really there's just there's so much [ __ ] to talk about there's so much crap this movie is unimaginably terrible it fails it everything but my god it is entertaining to watch so let's start talking about the beginning of samurai cop from the very beginning the opening title music sounds like a Sega Genesis game if you watch this movie one of the things you'll probably notice is that every single scene takes place in daylight and that's because the filmmaker wasn't able to afford lighting to shoot at night so every single scene in this movie is during the day and they obviously have no idea what exposure is because many shots go back and forth drastically changing exposure color time of day Sun position everything it honestly looks like the entire film was shot on one of those gigantic VHS camcorders like the ones your grandpa used to have also prevalent in this movie is some of the most horrendous dubbing I've ever heard in my life in no way we go under he almost black yeah that right there that electronic warble that's because the director dubbed a lot of the lines himself because he couldn't get the actors back in to do it and so he recorded a lot of the dialogue himself and then tried to warp it in weird ways to make it seven different the basic plot of samurai cop if there even is one is there's a gang that is into drugs and this cop who's recently come to the area who is known as samurai because apparently he speaks fluent Japanese despite not being able to say Japanese names correctly so anyway you get on the phone and you tell me that these what's his name Omaha Yamaha whatever his faces name is right are you food Fujiyama as well as this scene what does katana me means Japanese sword just where do I start what do I [ __ ] start with this thing the movie mercifully lets us know what the actions gonna be like pretty early on with this horrendously choreographed and incredibly fake fight scene but it's all the more hilarious for it are you sure this is a good bust yeah okay we're gonna go catch us some bad guys we're gonna go catch us some bad guys yeah a nice wig man that's another thing to keep in mind apparently the entire film was shot or at least the lead actor thought so so he cut his hair the director then told him we need to do some reshoots but he had cut all of his hair so they had to find a wig and all they could get was this incredibly feminine wig and to the incredible horror of the lead actor they still had about half the film to shoot so he goes from ladies wig to actual hair quite often also heavily prevalent in this movie is absurd sexism I mean every woman in this movie looks like a porn star even random background people who are just walking around they all look like they came off of a 1989 porn shoot and every single time samurai cop is in a scene with a woman he is always trying to get in her pants oh it's up and ready you just keep it warm it's for men so samurai cop and his partner are going after these drug guys and by the way I can't help but notice that these guys look remarkably like the lethal weapon pair Mel Gibson and Danny Glover and this movie was being filmed only a few years after Lethal Weapon came out so all I can think of is that the director saw Lethal Weapon said that was amazing let's recreate it and now we have samurai cop so the second action scene is this incredibly inept chase scene samurai cop and his partner are chasing this van filled with druggies and my god it is just filled with way too many hilarious moments to even mention you just have to see them hey man watch it watch it oh man I don't know where do I [ __ ] start where do and the best part of this whole thing is when the van driver catches on fire he clearly changes ethnicities yeah that's the same guy a large majority of the sequences samurai cop just saying shoot him shoot him over and over again my favorite part my favorite part is when he's like oh you got him to shoot him shoot you got it yeah I got the bed where do I start and this leads us into our very first porn scene and I'm not kidding I mean it's distance porn I mean the camera lingers on her body for absurd amounts of time and then we get what has become known as the piano on the head scene I want his head cut off and brought here I want his head on this piano I will bring you his head and I will place it on your piano I will bring you his head and I will place it on your piano right around here I started to notice that almost every close-up has an absurd amount of space above their heads it's almost like the director told the cinematographer or the cinematographer did this on his own to perfectly Center the head that's not how it works the guy's it's not out work close-ups the forehead has nothing interesting okay close-ups usually start right above the eyebrow but almost every close-up in this movie has like this crazy amount of space above the hairline it's so ugly I gotta be honest the next scene in this movie involving a nurse is one of the most insane things I've ever seen in my life and I mean that in all honesty all I can do is basically mimic my reactions to having watched this and that's the best way I can let you know what I thought do you like what you see I love what I see would you like to touch me see yes yes I would would you like to go out with me uh-huh yes I would would you like to [ __ ] me bingo well then let's see what you've got doesn't interest me nothing there nothing there just exactly what would interest you something the size of a jumbo jet have you been circumcised yeah I have why well you dr. mr. cut a big portion of it ah no he he was a good doctor good doctors make mistakes too that's why he's my insurance hey don't worry I got enough it's big I want bigger you have got to be [ __ ] kidding me his partners reactions everything about that scene it's just insanity so the gang sends the swordsman to cut off the burnt guy's head because there isn't one time to talk and then we get this weird escape scene that has two cuts from the exact same hallway laced right next to each other and in the following scene we get count'em for hey wait a minutes hey wait a minute ah wait a minute wait a minute doctor another thing has become famous about this movie is that legend says that nearly every scene was just done with one take and they almost always use that very first take and here when we get her introduction to the captain and he floods up his line like this you're the one that talked me into bringing this [ __ ] from San Diego the point that Japanese get done again I have a feeling that legend is true but I gotta say I love this captain he is like the best angry police captain ever and he says some really crazy [ __ ] feel like somebody stuck a big club up my ass and it hurts I've got to figure out a way to get him out of there all right the scene also ends with a very elongated bizarre pause yeah you son of a [ __ ] come back here you [ __ ] so now we get to the restaurant scene which is iconic for good reason there are just so many incredible things happening in this scene and one thing you'll notice is that as samurai cop is approaching this table of gang members this conversation breaks out and you can so tell these shots were filmed in different locations back and forth and different times and with different lights and everything but this scene contains hands-down one of the best one shot one take insults I've ever seen now I'm telling me son of a [ __ ] that we respect the Japanese of this country who are honest businessmen and yeah this is the land of opportunity for legitimate business not for death merchants who distribute drugs to our children through schools and on the streets now I'm telling these [ __ ] that if they continue killing our children to make their precious Millions that they deposit in their secret Swiss bank accounts counselor before your lawsuit even gets off the court clerk's desk I'll have their stinking bodies and garbage bags and ship them back to Japan for fertilizer got it now I'm telling these son of a [ __ ] these [ __ ] if they keep killing our children and the finale this scene is so great as well as samurai cops partner laughing and saying this hey counselor we'll see you in court the scene also ends with the most random encounter with a waiter I've ever seen in a movie well shot him he who him who's him himself oh he committed suicide yes what is the purpose what's happening here what does this mean now another incredibly random action scene erupts outside of this restaurant samurai cop chops off this guy's arm it's amazing the choreography here I mean like what choreography it's just a bunch of huh sure sure look but hey I mean at least it ends with a great joke kept the Romans gonna burn my ass yeah he's gonna burn it charcoal black it is black rat oh I don't know what to say where do I start and again I gotta say the captain best angry captain of all time you get your ass out of my office or you'll have to go to surgery to get my foot out of it get out of here you [ __ ] leave me alone I'll see you in court you [ __ ] I'll see you in hell leave me alone get a job so again samurai cop has one thing on his mind and he comes off like a samurais stalker in this scene he just really likes this blonde chick he saw at that restaurant decides to follow her around because he really wants to get in her pants and this scene ends with another incredibly pointless fight scene and this guy swinging that bat it's I can't I've constantly in shock I'm constantly in shock this movie got made they made this somebody made it take that as inspiration everyone out there with great ideas samurai cop got made I'm reviewing samurai cop if you have an idea it's probably better than samurai cop and you can probably direct and write it better than samurai cop was written and directed so be inspired people this movie got made and again the women in this movie the only reason women are in this movie are for samurai cop to [ __ ] them or for them to walk around and look sexy or for them to do something that the people who made this movie think women do all the time seriously look at this line hey preacher yeah you and I got nothing to do let's [ __ ] later when we're introduced to this character again where is she she's in the kitchen of course seriously everything about women in this movie is like the most sexist viewpoint of a woman you could possibly have it's kind of sad it's really sad actually so now this raid occurs on this house they're trying to find the rest of these gang members and the biggest star of this action scene is the defender arcade machine because the hardcore drug dealers they really love their defender I mean it is really fun this leads us into another horrible fight scene that's just everything about it's amazingly awful but it's entertaining and his wig I gotta say this is one of the most obvious wig scenes now another terrible shootout scene with a very hilarious t-shirt wig and hat happens and it cuts incredibly abruptly to this I mean my god the dubbing here the ADR is so horrendous excuse me where did the tall guy with the ponytail go the samurai cop basically forces this girl to go on a date with him by stalking her the church that she goes to and then pretending like he had to question her about this gang but in reality he's just taking her back to his house so they can get dressed in the most late 80s Early 90s swimsuits I've seen in so long and just prance around the beach for a while so now the gang is looking for samurai cop and they somehow find all of his associates I don't know how they just do hey take it easy good come on talk to me what do you I gonna kill you now but I can believe you this gift it's black gift I mean I don't know what else to expect at this point the abrupt shifts in tone in samurai cop are some of my favorite parts of this movie because it goes from like guys threatening to cut off somebody's dick to this happy birthday to you happy birthday to you okay I'll take it I'll take it and we get another porno sex scene seriously this goes on forever and it's not sexy it's incredibly awkward actually it's very bizarre and just off-putting and even slightly embarrassing you're almost picturing them behind the camera like slowly touching themselves like oh this is sex no don't cut just yet don't cut not just yet not just yet not just yet okay okay you can come down so there's a shootout scene in which samurai cop and this girl are almost killed and in the very following scene he's like not even remotely affected by this she's just prancing around her home she's smiling she's all excited she has a new boyfriend she almost got killed like five minutes ago whatever so the captain gets really angry again and gives samurai cop and his partner permission to just go kill every wani literally says his go kill everyone for me do it for me they're like okay cool all right sounds good to me man yeah and we get another horrendous action scene now I gotta say at least 50% of this movie is people ducking for cover and then shooting and then ducking for cover and then shooting that's all this movie is and I just want to know like in their desperate search for actors when they found this guy did they hire him because they thought he would be really good at dying on screen because if they did they failed so in the big finale scene with the boss he's holding the woman hostage there's a moment where samurai cops partner could have taken care of business and it's this moment now that she loves you you would have to worry about her life not me neither do i but he lets him know he's there he could have had the jump on him why what a dumbass and he gets shot but of course he's wearing a bulletproof vest because you know he's the main character and he got shot so he's obviously wearing a bulletproof vest so after killing the boss of this gang they show up at the last bad guys house somehow now I've been waiting for there to be a reason for this movie to be called samurai cop for quite some time so gratefully some random goon just walks up to them with a sword while the two cops have guns this guy's just like swinging the sword around and of course they kill the guy with the sword so it's a really good thing that samurai cop can then pick up that sword and actually do something samurai like and fight this last guy and the way they swing their swords it's so obviously sped up and sad these people are desperate they're just like just get it done okay just film the [ __ ] movie so I can go home and go to bed and I can't help but notice that samurai cop really looks like Rambo here this movie is basically like an amalgamation of 80s action movies that were good and then the director was like I'm gonna try to remake those the samurai cop wins of course and the guy kills himself because honour because after being a drug dealer and a murderer and a guy who tortures women he's really concerned about honor so we get more swimsuits and the movies over wow I I had no words when I watched this movie guys I mean you've been recommending this for quite some time and you've been wanting to see a hilarious 'ti of this and I had no idea what to expect timmreck up honestly changed my life I don't even know what to think or do or expect this movie has changed everything everything's different now samurai cop you you broke me never samurai cup uh check it out sometime I guess I'm gonna have another hilarious tea for you very soon on Valentine's Day in fact and that's going to be with my wife it's going to be a special hilarious 'ti and I cannot wait to bring it to you guys it's another review you guys have been requesting surprisingly for a while that I had no desire to do and then I just went wait Valentine's Day is coming up perfect I can't wait to bring that to you guys thank you so much as always for watching and if you like this you can click right here and get stuck mine eyes you

Channel: undefined

Views: 1,963,587

Rating: 4.889112 out of 5

Keywords: Samurai Cop, Hilariocity, Review, Chris Stuckmann, Restaurant, Scene, Clip, Hilarious, Funny, Moments, Nurse, Fight, Lion, Head, Piano, Sword, Trailer, Teaser, Reviews, Film

Id: 01BZVgix8F4

Length: 20min 45sec (1245 seconds)

Published: Sun Feb 07 2016