Supergirl - Hilariocity Review

I did not hit her it's not true it's [ __ ] I did not hit her I did not oh hi mark I love my eyes that's what time you welcome back to another hilarious 'ti it is hilarious 'ti Sunday last weekend was retro rewind I talked about tremors tons of fun but in the spirit of DC Comics and their past mistakes let's talk about Supergirl they actually tried to make a mini DC Universe back in the day incorporating this into the Christopher Reeve universe they didn't do it right this film begins with some very shiny opening credits that were clearly inspired by Richard Donner's opening titles for Superman the movie now I didn't remember much about Supergirl I had seen some of it on TV as a kid I didn't really remember much about this movie re watching it though I was absolutely blown away to discover that Peter O'Toole is in this movie and he plays a character named Saul Tarr what is this space ghost coast to coast I'm expecting Brack to show up telling jokes and moult are to be over on the keyboard deejaying this whole thing for us and while Peter O'Toole is in fact an excellent actor his performance in this movie is horrendously over-the-top I don't believe you how in that through that and we're now introduced to Supergirl and she seems almost like a child like a baby almost like she's experiencing things for the first time she's amazed by everything she sees it's almost like she was just born five minutes ago quite literally actually Zoltar is showing her some kind of wizardry with god-awful visual effects and this movie's insane people I mean it gets really trippy it really does she starts bringing to life a dragonfly with some sort of wizardry that kind of flies around and then she almost gets sucked out into the void of space because the barrier surrounding their little world rips and this barrier is plastic I mean it's plastic don't tell me that that's some kind of Kryptonian armor shield or some [ __ ] that's plastic Zoltar is harnessing something called the omegahedron he keeps calling it that apparently it's the thing that powers their city because when that thing blasts into space Supergirl just without a second thought hops in some sort of spacecraft after it and we the necessary exposition where her parents inform us that this omegahedron device powers their entire world they will lose everything without it without it the City Council by more than a few days I likes will grow dim in the very air we breathe so fin so after this exposition heavy horrific Li inept opening I'm terrified watching this movie the other day preparing for this review I actually got chills down my body in the worst possible way realizing that I was about to watch a two-hour film that thought that was the opening to hook me and oh my god these visual effects are amazing no they really suck actually they're pretty terrible so back on earth we meet Selena played by fade done away she's the main villain of this entire film she's a witch and she has a friend who explains how to become invisible take five black beans on the head of a dead man place one bean in his mouth two beans in his eyes oh my god this is going nowhere good do these people find the Omega head drawn because it landed on earth of course where else would it land and this thing apparently can do anything it is the all-powerful device that can accomplish everything ever so what is the Omega hedron do everything cool cuz then nothing has to make sense and I can just do whatever I want screenwriting so Supergirl lands in the water and she just bursts out of the water in full costume just as Supergirl right there she's just instantaneously Supergirl what an interesting character I mean I really care a lot about this character that I know nothing about now if I thought the film was bad already this is what gets even worse she picks up a flower and uses her heat vision to make it bloom is this because she's a girl Superman's heat vision can kill but super girls heat vision can make flowers bloom so she soon realizes that on earth she can fly and for whatever reason they decided to make this very artsy it's like the independent artsy version of Supergirl flying with all these incredibly shitty shots like behind branches I'm still having a hard time getting over the fact that there is no attempt to even remotely explain why she is Supergirl this film just expects everyone to have seen Superman the movie and with that knowledge we now know that girl from this place is Supergirl because she's a superhero in this screenplay makes no sense I mean none and we will get into more reasons why so she runs into two rapists because of course they're just rapists walking around looking for Supergirl and after she explains that she is in fact Superman's cousin and uses her super breath to blow one of them away this guy pulls out a knife and he's ready to fight and then she uses her heat vision on the knife and it works correctly this time earlier it made a flower bloom this time it actually works the way it's supposed to and despite that happening he still challenges her and I'm like dude this is not a good idea for you you're dumb so back to Faye Dunaway as Selena the witch in this film every scene with her is just her discussing world domination that's all her character is of course I mean what else could they possibly have done because every villain just wants to rule the world such a pretty world I can't wait until it's all mine I'm considering nothing less than world domination now this is where the film lost me entirely earlier I wasn't invested but I was at least watching it this is where I'm not kidding I almost turned it off I'm serious I almost was like screw it I'm not doing this video she sees some girls in school uniforms and she decides to adopt said school uniform and go to this school for no reason her entire world is in jeopardy do you remember what her parents said without her the City Council five more than a few days unlike to a girl gym in the very air we breathe so thin yeah like her whole family and all her friends they're all gonna die and she decides to go to school she's here to find the omegahedron thing why is she going to school so let's talk about a and W a and W they gave him some money they yes a and W was like hey Supergirl you like root beer don't you and then the one attempt to in some way create a universe with the DC movies of the 70s and 80s she finds a picture of Christopher Reeve that is all they could do I understand the Christopher Reeve had originally planned a cameo in this movie but more than likely this smart talented man was like no your script is ass so this is when the witches like start their big evil plan and their scheme is to cast a spell on some hunky guy so that this man can just like be their servant how devious and by the way this guy's Ellis from die hard now I know why he was addicted to cocaine in that film around this time in the movie I realized this film has no narrative there's no plot there is no thorough line of a story it's just random [ __ ] over and over again here's some witches they're trying to cast a spell on Ellis from die hard oh here's Jimmy Olsen here's Supergirl just going to a school so these witches then use black magic to cause Ellis to be chased by this thing and by the way I'm just going to keep calling him Ellis because I don't even know what his name is in this movie and I don't really give a [ __ ] this causes a gigantic bloated Looney Toons Domino piece extravaganza word like one thing will knock over into something else which knocks over something else which causes something else to roll around this was their idea of a set piece I guess in this scene I noticed something this place little chapel of roses this was also in the earlier scene with the rapist people and they not have permission to film in more than just like one location so Supergirl saves the day I guess I don't know she did something and people didn't die and then there's this really crazy line that just really I was like this whole movies weird but then this this just doesn't make any sense at all just just watch a storm dragon a Supergirl a storm dragon what does that mean I mean it like I actually I care more about learning what that means then I do about even finishing this review right now what the [ __ ] does that mean who is that girl I don't know a scroll G of burger go what is that girl I don't know what's black ado what is that girl I don't know ask a gobble juice guy like who wrote so Selena's black magic curse doesn't work because the first girl that Ellis sees is Supergirl she was originally supposed to be the first girl that he saw Selena and that didn't work out so now Ellis is in love with Supergirl and this is our movie I'm serious this guy's under a spell to be in love with Supergirl and he follows her everywhere and super girls like no no so since she isn't really into this guy she apparently decides to experiment and thinks I'm just gonna go try to kiss myself in this mirror why it's like what is this what's happening this movie's crazy people is always crazy so Selena casts another kind of spell and now the wind is after Supergirl that's right this movie did it before the happening she confronts this invisible force because there's no other villain for her to fight so I mean it might as well be the wind so she grabs a lamppost flies into the storm and lets lightning strike at a whole bunch of times and then she like uses it like as a weapon hmm it's the thing none of this movie none of it okay none of it none of it works now I actually wrote in my notes there right here I stopped the film to see how much longer I had and I still had fifty more minutes so now it's Selina versus Supergirl and I'm telling you these effects are laughably awful there's no tension there's no stakes I honestly want to turn it off I hate it I hate it I hate watching this movie it's so bad I know you're thinking well do Chris you know order Hillary also you're supposed to be entertaining guys there are different types of hilarious E's I've said this a billion times there's guilty pleasures there's movies that are so bad they're good and then they're movies that are so hilarious that they even got made and Supergirl is that movie and still I must remind you isn't her entire world and everyone she loves and cares for in danger of dying without her the City Council five more than a few days I likes will go dim in the very air we breathe so fin don't worry guys she's on earth discovering love and going to school everything's gonna be fine know you're all gonna die actually so next Supergirl decides to eat a coconut why did I say I would review this so I guess the spell on Ellis gets broken but he still really loves Supergirl anyway yay and then Selena with the flick of her wrist and the omegahedron creates a mountain this mountain just appears in this small town and everyone's like hey there's a mountain that's weird huh that's strange now back to our everyday lives Supergirl flies up to the mountain confronts Selina and some Selena traps her in the Phantom Zone for like five seconds before she arrives on cheap-ass version of Mordor within a few minutes there is already an uprising of people in this town including a picket line against Selina for this mountain this movie is broken this thing is more broken than Superman 64 this thing is [ __ ] and when Supergirl wakes up in this cheap-ass Mordor she gets scared by a skeleton that reminds me of an earlier line she said I am car of Argo city daughter of Alura and zor-el and I don't scare easily apparently you actually do what a great script so Zoltar shows up he's trapped there - Selina then captures all the principal characters because we need all of them to be captured so the Supergirl can be Supergirl and Zoltar is obsessed with this squirt thing he keeps talking about it over and over again and it's really disturbing me I mean it it's disturbing the [ __ ] out of me squid squid what is he talking about if he wants her to have a drink just say would you like a drink quit calling debts making me have goose bumps is disgusting like what is he what is he saying I hate it I hate that that is the most annoying thing I think I've ever heard in a movie that line forget I mentioned it have a squid instead I hate it so much that annoys the [ __ ] out of me what is that why why can you just say do you want to drink quit calling it that sure you won't have a squirt oh god that's so annoying there's this really awkwardly long sequence inside of a swirly Red Tornado because apparently that's the way you get out of the Phantom Zone because the place where you get trapped in forever of course has an exit saltar dies and just just look at this shot just look at it just just stare at it and look at it now think about the fact that I had to watch two hours of this so Supergirl gets really mad and just instantaneously flies out of the Phantom Zone and arrives at Selena's house Selena starts then like rumbling the floor she uses her spells or magic or whatever to make the floor Rumble and tumble like an earthquake Supergirl can fly why is this affecting her adversely all she has to do is float up she can fly I just wanted Peter Pan to zoom in the window and say this to her because if she would have been like oh yeah I can fly I forgot so the power of shadow or something like appears and starts stretching Supergirl like she Stretch Armstrong this looks unforgivable I'm serious like the whole movie before you really like oh I looks really bad right here it's just like what why would you do that why would you even make this why would you even release this just be like oh sorry we lost all of our film reels we can't release Supergirl sorry that would have been the better choice so she overcomes that and just like turns into a tornado and sucks everything up you don't even get the sense that Supergirl actually did anything she just turns into a tornado and just sucks everything up and she went so bad so the mountain just disappears with no explanation of course I've grown used to not having anything make sense and she flies underwater into her ship and goes back home I guess and you don't get to see her family saved or anything like the whole stakes of the movie was her family dying and like her city died and what was this movie about she went to school I think people liked a A&W Root Beer oh my god I thought Superman 4 was bad that's my review of Supergirl I'm very sorry my dear you were done poorly this is a much nicer this version mmm so put you there guys that's my Hillary asti review of Supergirl I hate it that might be my least favorite DC Comics movie because it was just so bad like Batman and Robin's bad steal with Shaquille O'Neal these are both hilariously reviews I've already done those are bad movies but they're funny at least Supergirl is just atrocious it really is a movie they should have just been like whoops we lost the real sorry we're not going to release it but as I promised I would let you guys know what next week's retro rewind is going to be continuing in the vein of DC Comics related things that are crappy I thought next week's retro rewind could be oh I don't know maybe a discussion on something really terrible maybe a past experience something traumatizing it's definitely not going to be a review for Superman 64 so definitely don't look forward to a retro rewind of Superman 64 I am definitely not going to try to beat this game on camera definitely don't look forward to that next week you're the best thank you so much as always for watching and if you like this you can click right here and get stuck my nice

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Views: 1,231,708

Rating: 4.9087286 out of 5

Keywords: Supergirl, Hilariocity, Movie Review, Chris Stuckmann, 1984, Super Girl, Superman, DC Comics, Scene, Clip, Christopher Reeve, Cameo, Ending, Fight, Battle, Trailer, Teaser, Reviews, Film, Hilarious, Funny, Moments, Helen Slater, Faye Dunaway, Peter O'Toole, Jeannot Szwarc

Id: KHAy7aO8-Ew

Length: 18min 19sec (1099 seconds)

Published: Sun Feb 28 2016

Reddit Comments

[u/The_Underhanded]

Stuckmann is good when he's reviewing a movie. His attempts at humor are not so great.

[u/baronobeefdip2]

The movie sucked, simple as that since they neither had the budget like the first superman films, or that they didn't take a lot from the comics source material at the time (crash landing, yadda yadda), instead we got a flying blonde girl (disguised as a brunette, one of the few things from the source material) trying to retrieving her father's pokeball (and I thought krypton and/or Argo were gone?).