♫ INTRO ♫ ♫ Radio music playing ♫ RACER: Dad! (sigh) I don't have time time right now... ...Rocket?
- No. - Rebel?
- No. - Racer?
- Yes. I don't have time right now, Racer! I'm writing, directing, editing, shooting, rendering, composing... ...and providing the catering for Spy Kids 4! Do you even have a crew anymore? Yeah, he's over there. (typing) - Hi Racer. Now go play with you other siblings who have radical 'R' names. Racer: But dad, it's my birthday.
- And, that's why I'm... - ...making this movie for you. Huh? Really? Spy Kids 4 was just a lie to trick ya. I'm actually making a movie based on all the characters that you've created. You know the ones I'm talking about. RACER: Sharkboy and Lavagirl? Sharkboy and Lavagirl! That's right. And all the crazy adventures they go on. Oh, I haven't thought of any adventures for them yet. What'd you dream last night? Oh, mom said I shouldn't dream that anymore- What else did you dream last night? MILK AND COOKIES! The Land of Milk and Cookies is where it takes place! And I will give you full credit at the beginning of the film, so everybody knows it was your idea. Wait. Doesn't that just give you an easy out if the movie's bad? I prefer to see it as the greeting card before you open your gift. D'aww. Now off you go, Daddy has to get some inspiration. Oh! Are you gonna play your tiny paper flute? What can I say? I just write so much better with it. Now, off you go. *inhales* - Sharkboy and Lavagirl? - Sharkboy and Lavagirl. NC: In many respects, Robert Rodriguez is a film-maker's film-maker. He started off with no money, but made up for it by incorporating what little he had into a unique and clever style. He saved on crew by doing most of the work himself: directing, editing, writing, composing, special effects... He's cheap, quick, and best of all, cool. It's pretty hard not to be impressed with the guy. But not surprisingly, sometimes the fast-paced cheapness can backfire. Particularly with his children's films. While the first "Spy Kids" was a big hit with most audiences and critics, They seemed to get more and more childish and gimmicky as they went on But its not the Spy Kids movies that people remember being the most outlandishly strange and fucked up, that distinction goes to The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl! This is a film that actually starts off by saying it was inspired by the stories and dreams of one of his kids. A charming gesture on say, a behind the scenes featurette, but when you had to put that before your movie, almost like you're trying to already set the curve pretty low, well, let's just hope the family enjoys it because for the rest of us... Um... let's just hope the family enjoys it. Let's take a look at Sharkboy and Lavagirl. *sigh* Okay, filmmakers, as well as the internet in general, word of advice, If you put quotes around something and then a name after it, it surprisingly doesn't automatically make it important. You can, do it with anything really. Not very happy when you really think about it... We start with the backstory of Sharkboy as, I have to admit, it's actually kind of funny and creative. (Film) "He was a marine biologist or at least in training but one day an incredible, mysterious storm appeared. Oh shit, this is just exposition for Sharknado 4. Quick! Hide all your Tara Reids! "Sharkboy and his father survived, but they survived on different sides of the wreckage, each floating off in a different direction. Sharkboy was completely alone." Yeah, he looks really torn up about it. [NC] Sharkboy: "Ah, I should've gotten his adult password for Netflix." The sharks take him in as one of their own, he grows gills... As most growing boys do... And he comes across our main character, Max. Who decides to take him home. Max: "Then one night, I was visited by a glowing light. An amazing girl with purple flames for hair and skin of molten lava-rock appeared. I called her 'Lavagirl'." [NC] Lavagirl: Uhh, actually it's Amanda. [NC] Max: "Lavagirl." [NC] Lavagirl: Why do you feel like you need to name me? [NC] Max: "Lavagirl." [NC] Lavagirl: Does Rodriguez always name kids after things? [NC] Max: "Lavagirl." [NC] Lavagirl: Okay, Fine! Lavagirl. Jesus... She says she has to take Sharkboy to planet Drool and that's the last he's ever seen of them. Not surprisingly, everyone doesn't believe his story. Including his teacher, played by George Lopez. Mr. Electricidad: "How many people think Max's story is true?" "Have a seat, Max." [NC] Mr. Lopez: "I have five failed sitcoms to get to." But a bunch of Disney Channel villains try to take his dream journal. You know, that device that every kid in movies has but you never actually met somebody who has one. And Max tries to run away. Linus: "Get the book!" *Chuckle* Oh My God, this kid is so confident in his master evilry, he just has to point and his minions understand? In fact, why the hell does he even have minions?
HE'S FUCKING EIGHT! Linus: "I'll bring you a revised edition tomorrow." And don't worry, I'm sure it'll be better than what this story is turning out so far. But Max finds out more and more how few people actually believe him. Max: "It was Sharkboy and Lavagirl! Look, this one has shark bites, and this one is singed! Ooh!" Mom: "There's no such thing as Sharkboy and Lavagirl." Dad: "Well, I believe him..." But I also my believe my penis is my eleventh toe, so I might not be the best person to ask. Max: "Stupid plugs..." "Please don't let me have to go to school. They'll make fun of me, I know it..." [NC] Max: "Please, top-bunk which, seeing how I have no other siblings, I'm not sure why is here." Seriously, who's up there? Tom Hanks from 'Big'? Max: "Linus took my journal!" Mr. Lopez: "Give Max back his journal." After the teacher forces Linus to give back Max's dream journal, Max sees that it's ruined, leading to one of my favorite deliveries from Linus. Max: "HE RUINED MY D R E A M J O U R N A L!" Linus: "I did not! Mr. Electric, send him to the principal's office AND HAVE HIM E X P E L L E D ! " (Chuckle) Okay, this kid's training to be a Spider-Man villain. I mean who talks this way? Linus: "...send him to the principal's office AND HAVE HIM E X P E L L E D ! " "Then, it'll be MY turn to look after Mr. Fluffy the Hamster for the school weekend!" (Dramatic Thunder) MWAH-HAHAHAHAHA! But Mr. Lopez says "Hey, I can act even fucking sillier than that!" Mr. Lopez: "I know everything! And you... Know nothing!" "At the end of class, BOTH of you report to the principal's office. With your parents!" Somebody. Give me direction as I, Have no idea, What I, am doing. With your parents. But suddenly, Sharkboy and Lavagirl bust in. Sharkboy: "If you wanna stop the Darkness from destroying our worlds... Come with us." Mr. Lopez: "You better go with 'em." Jesus, is this guy trying to get worst teacher of the year? "Go with the two strangers towards the killer tornado, I'm just going to stay here and teach everybody how they'll never need geometry." Max: "I can't believe I'm finally getting to ditch this place and go to Planet Drool!" By the way, that's Taylor Dooley as Lavagirl and guess who as Sharkboy. Having trouble? Well, just imagine him with his shirt off... That's right! That little kid is Jacob from Twilight. By God... I'd never thought I would need it again but... the time has come. ♫ Church Choir ♫ (Explosion) ♫ Church Choir reaches crescendo♫ I thought I put you away forever, But you are needed once more. You will be most useful, my friend. *kiss* They get aboard a shark spaceship and get ready to launch. Lavagirl: "Blue goggles for the boys, pink for the girls." Max: "Do you have another pair of boy goggles?" Sharkboy: "Nuh-huh." Then why would you say pink is for girls? And why is there only one pair of boy goggles? And why would you have that selection to begin wi- This mission's already bullshit! (Rocket Launch Noises) They take off to Planet Drool but, is it me or do they look more like they landed on Planet Food Fight? Oh boy, I do hope there's a stereotypes and sex innuendo part of the planet! Lavagirl: "Recognize your dream world, Max? Max: "Not really." Jesus, it's like somebody melted the Teletubbies. Which I would like this movie a lot more if that was the story, But nope, this is where all of Max's dreams go, and is being taken over by something called 'The Darkness'. Sharkboy: "The Darkness! Run!" (Metal groaning) And if you think this is the closest thing to mocking The Neverending Story,, remember, The Neverending Story did it pretty well on its own. *Kids screaming* Lavagirl: "Kids aren't allowed to rest, 'cause if they rest, they sleep. and if they dream-”
Sharkboy: “It takes away power from Mr. Electric.” (Rocketing Jump Sounds?) [NC] Max: "Hey, come on, I can't green-screen like you can!" So they try to save some kids from a roller coaster that won't stop and... You know what, I just figured out why this movie looks more gimmicky than it does creative. The whole thing, I mean the whole thing looks like one giant, extreme 90's commercial. Think about it, can't you see it advertising something? 90's Malcolm: "Woah! Ride the roller-coaster of flavor with Capri Sun! 90's Tamara: "Hey! Ever ridden a EXTREME JELLY BEAN!? Well, now you can with Ext-Relly Belly!" 90's Malcolm: "Hey! Ever go through a door that looks like a penis and testicles?" 90's Tamara: I... I completely forgot what we were selling. So they come across one of the villains named Mr. Electric, played again by George Lopez. Mr. Electric: "No school, no discipline, no rules, and most important, no dreams!" (Power plugs hissing) (Cartoon Punch Sounds) (Chuckle) Now that's the face of an invested hero. [NC] Lavagirl: "I'm flying, who cares..." Mr. Electric: ('Evil' Laugh) [NC]: I'm Mr. Possession Head with my bucket of Hell! Hey-ey, this looks like fun! Where do I put the quarter in? What. I can't play it? I just assumed this was all a cutscene for a McDonalds online game or something. You mean we're supposed to take this story seriously? I was just watching to get an Egg McMuffin coupon at the end. So he captures them and sends them on their way to the Graveyard of Dreams where... Sharkboy: "Duck!" (Duck Calls) (Sigh) Did I mention this was in 3D? You know, sometimes that can be a good thing, like, flying through the skies in 'How to Train Your Dragon', Or experiencing breathtaking worlds in 'Avatar'. But then every once in a while you get the Youtube Poop of 3D. Where every so often they just go: FUCK YOU WE'RE 3D! FUCK YOU WE'RE 3D! Can you see this in 3D! Can you see this in 3D!? You fucking little dick whores! *Smack* Lavagirl: "Close your eyes and dream. If Max can't remember his dreams, maybe he can re-dream them." Sharkboy: "He can dream us out of here." Lavagirl: "Dream, Max." I would love you if you never do that smile again. Lavagirl: "I know you got a lot to figure out, but if you happen to dream about who I am, and how I fit into this world..." Please dream up a plot for me, the writers forgot to give me one. They come across a robot that Max dreamed up and hope will have some answers. Max: "Tobor, awake!" Tobor: "Yes?" Max: "We can ask him anything now." Lavagirl: "Let me, Let me! Tell me something about me. I'm clueless." Bernard: Your joke, sir. NC: Oh, thank you so much, Bernard. Ah, look at that, silver platter and everything, you've made it impossible for me to ignore this. Bernard: My pleasure, sir. NC: *Ahem* NOT AS CLUELESS AS YOUR AGENT! HAHAHAHAHA! AH-HAHAHAHA IN FUCKING 3D! FUCKING 3D! Bernard. FUCKING 3D! FUCKING 3D! So the robot tells them to go to the Land of Milk and Cookies, which, I think this the Holy Land from Moses, Jr., where they come across the Train of Thought. Max: "That's the Train of Thought? How do I keep it on track?" Well if we knew that, we'd be in a much better movie wouldn't we. Max: "Sorry I forgot about you, Tobor." Tobor: "Are you kidding? You just saved me. I'm freeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" God, even the magical robot sounds disinterested! Tobor: "...I'm freeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" [NC] Tobor: "I'm going to go visit my children." "Look kids, I'm home." Tobor's Kids: Yaaaaaaaaaay. ♫ Commercial Break ♫ ♫ Now back to: Nostalgia Critic ♫ So while they fly by all the brains this movie killed, they realized that the locomotive is out of control. (Lever pull) (Door Opening) Lavagirl : "Jump! It'll be all right!" Annnd that was the end of Lavagirl! We never knew that much about her but we never wanted to anyway. And that was the end of Sharkboy, at least he won't imprint on any newborn babies anytime soon. Can we go now? (Squish) They end up in literally a half-baked Mario Kart level, but it looks like they're not out of the woods yet. Look out! The film's just given up! (Stomping) Okay, so the parents are in this dream too. Well, good, this could give some very visual insight into Max's feelings towards them. Max: "Those giants almost look like my parents" Lavagirl: "They seem happy together. Is that your dream?" Max: "We had a dream we're a family. It hasn't been coming true lately." Lavagirl: "Most dreams don't come true on their own, You have to make them true. Takes a lot of work. Not easy." *Sigh* Okay, wow. I never thought I would have to say this in a Robert Rodriguez movie but... Show. Don't. Tell. That's the idea of film. In 'Where The Wild Things Are', the monsters represent the boy's insecurities. Even in 'Bridge to Terabithia', the shadow catching up to our lead shows us his fear of confronting death. Here, the parents attack him for no reason, and leave! They have no character, they don't even have any lines, and everything that's said here could just be said in the real world! So this sequence was practically pointless. In a visual medium like this, we gain nothing! How would you like it if in 'The Wizard of Oz' the characters just explained, rather than expressed? Wicked Witch of the West: "...and as for you, my fine lady, it's true, I can't attend to you here and now as I'd like, but just try to stay out of my way." [NC] Glinda: Well, she certainly seems like a representation of abandonment issues you're feeling for Toto. As well as your feels of limited mortality not allowing you to see as much of the world as your short time-span allows. (Stunned Silence) So they tell Max that he needs to dream in order to stop the land from being consumed by The Darkness. Sharkboy: "Alright Max, you've had your cookies and milk. Now go to sleep." Yeah, we filled you up with sugar little boy. Now sleep! Sharkboy: ♫ Close your eyes, shut your mouth, dream a dream and get us out ♫ ♫ Dream, Dream, Dream, Dream, Dream, Dream. ♫ (WOOSH) Lavagirl: "It's working, keep it up Sharkboy!" ♫ Aggressive Hip-Hop Beat ♫ ♫ Just relax, lay about- ♫
NC: The fuck? ♫ -or my fist will put you out! ♫ ♫ Dream, Dream, Dream, Dream, Dream, Dream. ♫ Yeeeah, lullabies always work great with an aggressive hip-hop beat. Hell, why stop there?! Why not just go into straight Gangsta Rap?! ♫ Rap Beat ♫ ♫ Get us out of this ditch, go to sleep you fuckin' bitch! ♫ ♫ Dream, your muthafuckin' dream! ♫ ♫ Go to sleep really quick, Or I'll droolly in your dick! ♫ ♫ Dream your muthafuckin' dream! ♫ Eh, that ain't workin'. Lemme try a bedtime story. "Go the Fuck to Sleep"! *Horrified scream* What? But Mr. Electric starts to approach and they need to wake him up. Mr. Electric: "...power!" Cry static and let slip the plugs of war! (Sharkboy fighting the Plugs of War) Sharkboy: *Screams LOUDLY* Sharkboy: *Screams loudly AGAIN* NC: Jesus Christ, kid! You're fucking Sharkboy, not William Wallace! Are you making up for how little you're gonna kick ass in New Moon? Oh, I've missed you! Lavagirl: "Hot lava..." NC: What the hell? Max: "Where's Lavagirl?" NC: What the hell? Lavagirl: "It's up to you now, Max! We believe in you, Max!" NC: WHAT THE HELL!? You know, General Patton used to say you'll gain strength when you look into a pile of goo that's a best friend's face. Well, I'm looking into a pile of goo that's a best friend's face, and I'm scared fucking shitless of it! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS MOVIE?! Lavagirl: "It's a banana split boat!" NC: So they try to make their way to a banana split boat, but Lavagirl loses her leg. "Brought to You for No Reason Whatsoever" (Whining plug dogs) Mr. Electric: *Starts crying* NC: Yeah, I would've loved to have seen the direction on that one. Just act like you don't know what you're supposed to be doing and nobody is helping you at all. *Inelegant blubbering* Oh yeah, visual dead air. They tell Max that apparently he's getting better at mastering the next stage: daydreaming. Lavagirl: "This is great, Max. You're starting to daydream. Keep that up, and they'll never get us." NC: Much like the audience, pay no attention to what's going on and imagine something better. He dreams of a Crystal Heart that can be found in the Kingdom of Ice. Mr. Electric: "You can almost feel the electricity in the air." NC: But they get intercepted by Mr. Electric, and they're taken to who's behind all the Darkness. Minus: "I am much... cooler. I... am Minus!" NC: Wow, It's like Eddie Munster impregnated Emperor Zurg! Sharkboy: "Where is my father?" Minus: "Hm. Check the bottom of the ocean." NC: I'm not gonna lie, I think this kid has been waiting all his life to play this part. I mean, just watch him in this performance. Minus: "And, Lavagirl, once I figure out how to freeze this planet's core, all of your powers will disappear." NC: (chuckles) This kid is giving Joffrey a run for his money. He's fucking amazing! I'm just trying to imagine this obvious James Bond villain trying to cope in a 4th grade environment. Minus: "You thought you could escape fear by running away to Dreamland. But fear exists in the one place you can never escape! Your mind." [NC] Minus: Oh, yes. You may think you have won at Guess Who, but let me ask you this. Does your person have brown hair? Robert! NC: He puts them in a cage when... (sighs) I don't know, these weird things pop up. Sharkboy: "The song is driving me crazy!" Lavagirl: "Sing louder! Sing higher!" Sharkboy: *Loud Scream x3 Combo* (Sounds of metal falling to floor) NC: So they got free because of narwhals? ♫ Narwhals by Weebl plays ♫ To be fair, I'd go nuts if I had to hear that song again, too. So they get back the Dream Journal and Sharkboy is able to find out what happened to his father. Max: "Your father really is at the bottom of the ocean. He's in a submarine. Looking for you!" NC: Okay, for the record... Dick delivery, all right? [NC] Max: "It says here that he crashed. On the bed because he was so tired. But then apparently he died! Of exhaustion because he's working so hard. But then a squid ripped off his head, ate his body, and has been digesting it for weeks! Is what he would call his memoirs if a squid ripped off his head, ate his body, and has been digest- Sharkboy: *Loud scream* [NC] Max: "I'm sorry, I focus on weird details." NC: So they go back to the ice castle to see the Princess of Ice. ♪ [NC] Let it blow, let it blow, at least I don't have penis hair! ♪ She gives him the crystal heart to help them on their mission, but Mr. Electric shocks Sharkboy unconscious. So Lavagirl has to go save him, even though the water will kill her in the process. Max: "Come on, Sharkboy!" [NC] Lavagirl: "My last request is to put a bullshit quote for me at the beginning of the film." NC: But Creepy-as-Shit Face comes back and tells them that she needs to be thrown into the volcano to save her. Sharkboy: I'll go. I'm stronger and faster. [NC] Sharkboy: "Hey, at least you're unconscious. I've had to carry a girl just to make some cougar's horny fantasy come to life." (Closing book) NC: I think that's enough for now. But you will be missed, old friend. *kiss* (Lava bubbling) Sharkboy: *Grunt* [NC] Sharkboy: Oh, my God, that killed her! I don't know why I thought that would work! I'm a terrible person! NC: It, of course, brings her back to life. Which is good, as a healthy dose of scenery seems to be next on the menu. Minus: (swishes cape dramatically) "How'd you get in here?" NC: *Bursts out laughing* Minus: "I hate to burst your bubble, Dreamboy, but I read your book." [NC] Minus: "Hate to burst your bubble, but the marbles on my side of the Hungry, Hungry Hippos are more than the marbles on your side of the Hungry, Hungry Hippos." NC: "So it's a showdown between Linus' nightmares and Max's pussy dreams." Max: "Brainstorm!" What was that supposed to stick to? Max: "Brain... F A R T ! " (Phone beeps) (Phone ringing) Past!NC : Hello? NC: Hi, this is you twenty minutes from now, umm... you need to get out. Past!NC: What are you talking about? It's just Sharkboy and Lavagirl. NC: No, you don't understand! You will not be able to SLEEP! For a year! Past!NC: Come on, I survived Son of the Mask; and Foodfight!. Those had a ton of scary scenes in it. What it lacks in quantity it makes up for in magnitude! Past!NC: Look, if you're there, obviously I did it. I'm... not even sure how we're really doing this right now. NC: Okay, okay, but I want you to write "I'm sorry" on a piece of paper and stick it under the desk. Past!NC: Why? NC: BECAUSE I DESERVE AN APOLOGY FROM SOMEONE! *NC cries as melancholy music plays* NC: So after... Oh, God... fucking that scene, Sharkboy defeats Mr. Electric. Mr. Electric: *Struggling grunts* [NC] Mr. Electric "Wait, I'm electricity in water. Shouldn't this kill you? I really am a bad teacher." NC: Meanwhile, Linus, really with the most minimal effort, is convinced to be good again. No, really, this is all it took. Max: "We can create a better dream than this. A better world. What do you say?" NC: God, I wish all villains were this easy to win over. Darth Vader: If you only knew the power of the Dark Side- NC: Hey, knock it off! [NC] Darth Vader: Oh, okay. NC: Lets get some clippertinis. [NC] Darth Vader: Sure. Sharkboy: I am King of the Ocean. Lavagirl: "Thanks for saving me." NC: Well, technically, you saved him first, but fuck it, the chick saving the dude never counts in movies. Minus: "Everything will return to being the way it was. You will be able to travel to Earth and back again as you wish. You can search for your father. You can rule Earth's lava world." NC: Oh, he's such a bad actor when he's not evil. I mean, a less fun kind of bad. *Mr. Electric blasts off* Sharkboy: "He's headed to Earth!" Minus: "He's going to try and destroy you in your sleep." NC: Oh, my God, go back to waving your cape or something! Just keep your head the same size! When he gets back to Earth, he finds it's still under a tornado attack and this time, it's caused by Mr. Electric. On top of that, Max's parents get dragged in, too. Mom: "Find Max! Tell him I love him!" Dad: "Don't leave me!" Mom: "I thought you wanted me to leave!" Dad: "No, I don't! You're my best friend!" NC: Wow, this is the most disinterested couple getting sucked into a tornado ever. Mom: "Ahhhhhhhhhhhh." NC: Even her scream kinda sounds half-assed. Mom: "Ahhhhhhh-" [NC] Don't forget to take out the garbage... " But Lavagirl saves her as Max figures out that the teacher's daughter, being the only one who believed Max to begin with, is the only one to stop the evil. Max: "Do you know what to do?"
Marissa: "I believe so." [NC] Marissa: "I'm gonna do what I always dreamed: kill my dad." NC: She saves the day as everything seems okay now. In fact, a little too okay. Max: "So dream a better dream. Then work to make it real." NC: So remember, kids: if your parents are getting a divorce, just dream really, really, REALLY hard, and eventually, they'll get back together. It always works. And that was Sharkboy and Lavagirl, a nice gift from a good father, but a LOUSY movie from a great director. I'll give it credit for some of its creativity, and again, it's kind of hard to be angry at someone who basically made this movie for his kids. But the cheapness of the story and the effects don't work to the film's advantage like his other works. In Sin City, the cheapness is stylized and gives a unique look. In this, the cheapness is too similar to so many other bad films that obviously didn't try. So this just looks like another one of those bad films. Aside from one or two entertaining performances, most of the acting is really wooden or just flat out awkward. A noble idea, but sadly, a failed delivery. So Racer? What do you think of your birthday gift? I got you a car too. Racer: *Gasp* Yeah! Woo! -Ungrateful little shit... *Inhales* *Exhales* ♫ Ending Credit Theme ♫ Linus: Send him to the principals office and HAVE HIM EXPELLED! Lavagirl: "We believe in you, Max!"
It's a rather incoherent film.
Linus is the best, so dumb, but so confident. I love his voice direction.
Wait... is there an NES controller in the background at 12:04?