Some of the Best of Beside Himself | JEFF DUNHAM

[Applause] wow what a crowd this is awesome so look i know a lot of you folks are here on purpose this evening you knew what the show was you purchased the tickets thanks for coming sailors were sitting at home going ah there's nothing on tv let's get drunk girl with that puppet show so yes i make a living talking to myself which means some forms of mental illness actually pay off oh you're applauding at that you're a sticker out i like it already now before we get to the main event i want to talk to you a little bit about boys and girls now when my girls were tiny little babies i had friends and family coming to me saying okay you've done a fine job with little babies we just want to warn you what's coming next i said what's that they go the terrible twos and horrible threes i said really they go oh yeah the toddler years you're doing a good job but it's it's going to get tough it's not going to be easy your life is never going to be the same hang on and good luck and guess what happened nothing everything was fine i swear i have no earthly idea what everybody was talking about it wasn't until they turned like 12 or 13 that satan came down to enter their bodies nobody warned me about this i walked in their room one morning good morning girls [Applause] they come home from school how was your day stop talking to me [Applause] i'm sorry would you like a carrot why are you saying i'm fat be in the garage with the dogs they like me more bye and this kept up for a few years then they started turning 17 18 years of age and then apparently jesus came down killed the three satans and my daughters were back and that happened like this i'd be like good morning girls oh good morning father may we have money satan was cheaper oh shut the hell up how are you walter who the hell cares but wait i take that back everything is awesome i'm suing someone for sexual harassment and who would you sue for sexual harassment my wife your wife but she's your wife i know when i realized i could have avoided all this years ago with one simple word i do not you ever think like that no my wife's an angel oh you're lucky mine's still alive but again you two still actually love each other yeah but then they have changed a little bit over the years how's that i used to say i jumped in front of the bus to save her life yeah now i think i just yell hey three two one look how and i thought that timing too and what would she do if the rolls were reversed oh she's shoving my ass right in front of the damn bus and then she'd have them stop to go back and forth just a few times for good measure so what do you think is the biggest problem in your marriage everything is my fault but it's not oh she is very convincing really yeah last week i found myself apologizing to her after she rear-ended a guy at a stoplight how was that your fault i have no freaking idea i was taking a nap at our house know walter i forgot to ask earlier what sexual harassment are you suing your wife for oh she didn't like the noise i made during sex okay that's too much information want to hear the noise she didn't like no we don't walter get off i'm tired what you hurt her feelings she hurt my back [Applause] that's terrible and it has them for years no i mean you're terrible she said that to me for years too so you're saying the sex is bad it didn't used to leave no no it was great when we were young it was like and he was like i don't know it was like jumping in a new car and taking it for a ride you know pushing buttons and twisted knobs you get it it's an analogy dumbass yes we get it in that new car smell [Applause] good lord oh slow down and we'll get to where we're going too fast if you know what i'm saying yes but now almost 50 years later it's like getting in that same damn car and you barely make it down the ethan driveway you get to the point you don't even want to warn her up sometimes you gotta choke it but usually i don't even want to pull it out of the garage i don't know what that means they do and she does not like reverse yes these well-disguised jokes are how we keep our show family-friendly so how did you meet your wife online oh on a dating website yeah ancestry.com i'm a jane it was better than when i accidentally tried ancestry.com [Applause] i felt bad sweat than left on my own sister i actually had to swipe twice to get all of her off the screen [Applause] okay it was more than twice swiping swiping but my sister's uglier than my wife come on well she looks like me oh come on you think you're ugly well no well that's good little thought is a girl hell yeah i gotta say though there's nothing wrong with being ugly but my sister has got it down on a scale of one to ten oh i can't do fractions how far apart in age are you and your sister we're twins oh identical twins oh well wait you can't be identical if you're a different sex a different sex right you mean like when my wife wants to use stuff from my toolbox oh come on you know women had cordless power tools long before men did and when she says she loves her double d's yeah she's talking about batteries i got it bubba j different sex means you're male and your sister's female oh right leaner and wiener free hey i think about this since a guy has a wiener does that mean that technically he could not be a vegan oh wait my prego sister can't be vegan either why not hey sis got milk so this is the unmarried not so pretty sister yeah does she have a boyfriend no how'd she get pregnant she's so stupid when she robbed the bank yeah turns out it was a stern thing how do you rob a sperm bank well you start by telling everybody to put their hands up [Applause] yeah that's a thinker right there i guess so you can see some folks explaining it to the other ones please help me welcome the personal advisor to donald trump my new friend larry so larry how long have you worked for the president that four hours he hired you four hours ago well he fired me before breakfast then rehired me after lunch oh you heard of taco tuesdays yeah trump has firing fridays and what does melania say when people get fired take me with you do you think it's true there might be a problem in trump's marriage oh no no he just went through a stormy patch ah screw you that's a good joke [Applause] and what is your exact job title again personal advisor to the president you advise the president yes really i try i swear to god i try how's that going for you look at nice you're a little stressed out oh you think [Applause] it's not lit no that i am no you know who i haven't seen in a while who jose that's right jose the jalapeno on a stick you going to get them out well you know peanut in today's politically correct climate there are a few people who think it's not okay for me to even be talking to jose [Applause] [Music] hang on hang on i say we take a vote what hell yes okay here we go who does not want to see jose jaletino and thinks we should not have them in the show okay then who does going to see jose jalatina out here well if this is being reported by one of many of the news outlets today they would say that was really close [Applause] i guess jose's in he's actually right here check it out look are you ready season okay for the folks who might not know tell them who you are my name jose jose jose right honesty jose you told me earlier today that you wanted to tell us something important fee senor i hate to have to say this but i want to lead the show yes wait wait a minute what do you mean you want to leave the show hold on i think i know what he means i think he needs he wants to leave the show i was able to said that in standish that out of all three of us only jose knows that language i am not kidding jose can speak spanish that jeff cannot it's the weirdest thing language oh sorry it's the weirdest elf thing oh jose why do you want to leave the show he can't leave the show exactly we need you no i mean he actually can't leave the show why not he doesn't have any legs all i need is my stick at least that's what your mother said what the hell you know you could try and leave but you'd fall down they need the jose jalapeno on the floor with your mother wait and then i would probably step on her and break his stick then he did jose jalapeno with a broken stick on the floor [Laughter] another another joke jose no this time it was your sister what the hell i'm gonna kick his ass i don't have an ass oh god stick or whatever the hell there is there peanut come on i come to think of that i see he can't get away the name of that stick is actually a wooden leg because then he's just a jalapeno on a wooden leg no a leg always has a knee there's no knee on that stick that the good knee needs to cut the stick in half and put the hinge on it the ninjas they've had to do the jose alatina on two halves of the stick with a hinge it doesn't exactly roll off your tongue does it know about your sister dude what the hell jose why do you want to quit the show i'd be living alive i want to be an astronaut [Music] peanut no no this is great jose the astronaut and it would be great if they need a space shuttle with a clutch why who's they could be the stick greedy hurry augment lately before we get started i had a question yes was it bad that i unplugged my cousin's life support to charge my phone are you kidding no i was at three percent what about your cousin he's now at zero percent well i'm sorry to hear that ahmed and how do you end up on life support well my uncle said pull my finger and they both exploded it's not funny don't make me say it i'm not ready hey you want to know the joke i told on folks when they're in the hospital a joke what do you do to people in the hospital the ringtone on my phone is the same noise as the heart monitor when you die what yeah i stand next to their leg my phone rings and all everyone hears is then i answer oh you just missed him that's a little dark look who you're talking to oh wait when my cousin died you should have been there why you could have made him talk one last time oh wait that is genius you should hang around funeral homes and scare the crap out of folks or even that fifth funeral dearly the love that here lies uncle charlie i'm not dead yet best youtube video ever are you a good father of course but sometimes i get very angry with my kids and i tell them i'm going to kill them that's not good i don't know what coming from me it's kind of effective and what do you say exactly either go do your homework or take my backpack to the market your choice talk man we've been talking a little bit about politics tonight and you've been in this country for a long time now politically if you were a citizen here would you go democratic or republican oh yikes those are my choices i'd like to die a valttelies but seriously would you ever consider politics if you could would you run for office no no i run from the northless after i set the tanner that's my job stop laughing not yet and that's another thing that's teasing me off what my 72 virgins that i'll now join the metoo movement i can't even call them virgin didn't even learn no no i see now they insist on being called the 72 consenting strong winner of character clone almost hey know what happens now if i take a viagra what i get lockjaw silence i kill you [Music] let's do the whole thing together three two one silence [Applause] that's fantastic i just helped ten thousand folks commit a felony [Applause] i kill you you

Channel: Jeff Dunham

Views: 5,700,002

Keywords: achmed, all over the map, america's got talent, arguing with myself, beside himself, best of, bubba j, christmas special, comedian, comedy, comedy central, comedy special, commercial, controlled chaos, funny, hilarious, jeff dunham, jeff dunham netflix, jeff dunham: beside himself, keel, minding the monsters, movie, movie trailer, netflix, netflix original, netflix special, peanut, promo, promotion, spark of insanity, stand-up, tntl, trailer, tv, unhinged in hollywood, ventriloquist, walter

Id: Yk-BL9w6miQ

Length: 18min 24sec (1104 seconds)

Published: Fri Jul 09 2021